I looking for a hug, or some kindess

Guess it’s only for me, but feels like better i let my thoughs flow out of my brain, i’m not sure it’s help or not, trying to cope with everything, I’m afraid maybe if i just keep thinking of the problems i fall back in the deepression, so i try to keep the positive way after all, and also ending up with something good.

Never tried to create a diary, or even if i did i’m sure it didn’t last long, 

I feel like i shouldn’t share with anyone, so i share it with everyone, strange logic but that’s what i’m doing actually.

I’m over of a heart break, I never understood those “love” or “emotional” posts, all of them seemed meaningless, until a few weeks. I met someone, someone who became really special for me, I loved to spend my time with her, she was really far, and i knew it will be hard, but i felt it worth, I loved to hear her voice, listen to everything she said, go home and call her inmediately, i loved that 4 months like that, i loved HER

. She said she stay with me, i promised her i won’t go anywhere, keep up forever, and i meant it, by my hearth.For the first time of my life someone said “i love you” and i belived every seconds.

You all know how is it going, getting crazy for the other one, I was happy, happier than ever before, i felt like i have someone to live for, someone who i would give my life to, I felt like i would die for someone like her. 

BUt yeah, i wouldn’t be here if everything would still be like that, like actually i would be laying beside my phone listeng her sleeping, and i would feel calm and safe,i would feel my soul safe. BUT it eneded, so sudden so random, so stupid way i couldn’t even cope with, or understan or accept. 

I’m confused, i’m lost, i cried for days, lot of days.

And i don’t know if it was my fault or not, I can’t forigive for myself for being so dumnb to not understand. 

HOw can you just get over on it like that? I’m not working like that, seems like if i love i do it deeper than i ever imagined. 

The only person who ever said I love you , just gone within 2 daysm, step out of my life, and i feel empty now. 

Looking for myself again, but not the old myself, i wan’t happy before, i started to change with her, and i enjoyed to be different, don’t want to be like my old myself. I’m meditatng now, I’m woking out, reading books about self acceptance, self love, how to find your happines inside. If i haven’t listened to like 30 hours of motivational speeches alredy i haven’t listened to any... All these activities, to fill something in myself, what can’t be filled up. How could i love again, how could i trust in words again, if the only person who i would die for left me, saying there are differend kind of loves, and we don’t have to be together to feel that, it can be done even if we don’t talk anymore.

And Im lost, 

More than a week now, and today i cried again in the car, punching the wheel because i miss her so much i can’t even tell you all. I hate to be alone again, i hate to be by myslef again, i hate that noone have a kind words fot me after a hard day, i hate that.

But i should stop it,I know by the time we talked, she ever said i have to look for my own happiness, and she was right, Who knows how long she wanted to break up with me.

And now, i following a path what someone who broke my heart, my sould and my physical body, said me to go on. Everything what i do now is because she said i have to find the peace and the way to love myself. And look at me now, i’m doing that, I’m doing everything for her, when se not even want to see me again..

I really loved her guys, i really trust in her, wish i could understand, wish i could accept, wish she would still want my love.