Bad Words

Where have I been? When I say it’s been a while, I mean it’s been a long while. I guess the major life event that categorizes where I’m at is that I finished college. It’s insane to think about and read my past writings here knowing I was still in high school. A part of me cringes, but a part of me is also kind of impressed with how cohesive my thoughts seem to be. Lots about love, which is very ironic considering now I know a lot more about myself and my current views on romantic relationships. (further explanation: I realized that I romantic relationships really aren’t that important for me and I wrote those things to fit in as a teen because I thought I was supposed to have romantic feelings for people). 

But yeah college. What an interesting experience to say the least. I definitely experienced a lot of global and historic events during this time. It’s crazy to think about how much has happened/changed in these past couple years. Even, then I somehow ended back where I started: in my childhood bedroom.

Finishing my degree in my childhood bedroom was very bittersweet. On one hand it’s like wow, this is where I dreamed about where I’m currently am now. But also it’s a place that’s filled with a lot of doubts and scars and sadness. Honestly, I’m not sure which outweighs which. 

Hi. It’s 2021. I think I stopped posting on this thing back in 2017/18? I’m not really sure. But I once again came back to seek refuge for my thoughts. I’m not sure what I’m going to write/if I actually will keep this up, but I just need a space to let these thoughts go and let these memories live on. 

What will it take for America to even consider gun control? How many lives will it take for people to finally understand that mass shootings are not normal? It didn’t happen after Sandy Hook, it didn’t happen after Virginia Tech, it didn’t happen after Orlando, and that lead to where we are now. 

It is not far that we live in this country were we are taught as kids what to do if gun violence breaks out. We should not have to grow up in fear that our lives might one day be taken away by someone who just decides to go on a rampant spree. 

Gun control does not take guys away. More importantly, gun control does not take lives away. 

We have all dealt with suicidal thoughts in some way, some form. There is no denying that there are moments that do not feel like moments; where the sky bends and surrounds you in gray. Despite the sun still shining, all you can focus on is the darkness the moon lies in. 

There is no denying that sometimes, we just do not want to be here on Earth; that we just do not want to live. 

But I swear to God, hold on. There are so much things in life that you have not experience. Finishing school, getting married, working your dream job, having kids, being a parent, falling in love. These moments in life are waiting for you.

You are special. You are worth it. You are enough. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. You are not a burden to this world, you are a gift. 

It is hard to see the light in the darkness. It is hard to wait for something good to happen. It is hard to feel happy when everything feels like shit. But you are going to get through this. We are going to get through this. YOU ARE LOVED. YOU ARE NEVER ALONE. 

Please, if you ever need someone to talk to, send me a message. 

HOTLINES:

U.S. National Suicide Prevention number: 1-800-273-8255/1-800-273-talk

U.S. Crisis Text Line: Text CONNECT to 741741

Suicide Hotlines by states: http://www.suicide.org/suicide-hotlines.html

I’ve been away from home before

The maximum a month or so

But this feels different.

Maybe it’s because I had my sister with me

or maybe because I needed a break from the norm, 

but this time it feels different.

It’s so hard to leave because I’m so comfortable where I am.

Am I ready for new changes?

New challenges?

New beginnings?

Being alone?

But for most of my life, I was alone. 

I’ve learned to play with myself.

carry myself,

heal myself.

I’ve learned to take care of myself.

I wish I was brave enough

to share my stories, my hardships.

But as I read my deleted passage,

I can feel the bluntness of my words

cut through me like a knife.

All I want is for these thoughts

to stop shouting things in my head.

I don’t remember the last time

where there wasn’t a storm on my mind.

I don’t remember the last time

I saw blue skies.

You ask me this

Of course I am, I say

But am I really ready?

I don’t think anyone can ever be ready for changes. 

Yet I still say yes,

to give me the assurance I need.

Yet I still say yes,

in hopes that will ease my worries. 

Yet I still say yes, 

We never thought that we’d end up here

Actually, we’ve always knew

but never expected it to come so fast. 

Now, here we are

As if we’ve time traveled to the future that is now. 

Because we are still the same people,

same mindset,

not ready for the challenges up ahead. 

When I was 9, my dentist told me I had the teeth of a 12 year old. Call me naive, but I’ve always felt like I was 3 years older than I am. 

Which is why I can’t relate to my generation. I’ve spent my whole life trying to understand others, trying to fit in. Like trying to solve a puzzle, I learned that you can not just force pieces together. It has to click. 

My biggest regret in high school was just that. I assimilated with people just because I wanted to fit in; I wanted friends. That absolutely destroyed me. Because I thought my self worth laid in the hands of others; the more friends I have, the more people would care about me.

I failed to recognize that there was a difference between being loved widely and being loved deeply. Being loved widely consists of people who vaguely care about you. Being loved deeply consists of people who truly care about you. 

You said don’t worry

But how could I not worry

When it feels like the sky is crashing down

and the walls are caving in?

Do you not feel the pressure weighing on my shoulders

when you sit next to me?

Or maybe have I burden you long enough that 

you are used to carrying that amount of weight.

I’m sorry that you have to go through this

It is my fault that I was selfish

I could’ve chosen an easier way 

But I wanted this for myself

I’m sorry that I could not see beyond what I wanted

I’m sorry that I did not think about what you want