Night Thoughts

Guess the problem is that I'm clever enough to see through the dynamics, patterns and games, but not strong enough to walk away

Thoughts about polyamory: How many partners does it take until they are no longer selected lovers but just random people who happened to be there at the right time?

Am I suicidal? Dunno. I honestly just thought that I can't kill myself because my stupid boyfriend will tell people that the pandemic was too much for me while actually suicide would be the easy way out of this messed up relationship. Nothing to do with Covid or self isolation or social deprivation, it's just you. Like your wife. There. I said it.

Why am I so good at mourning you?

I should have told you that I am willing to be there when you die right the moment the thought crossed my mind. Maybe you wouldn't have died alone but the way you dreamt it. In my arms. If that wasn't the way meant for you to live, you at least deserved to die like that. And I failed you. Again. I'm sorry. I'm endlessly sorry

If there is "the other woman", is there also "the other widow"? I guess that's my official title now

I won't fight for you. If you want to go, go. Just don't think I'll fight or cry or beg. I won't choose you over my dignity any longer.

I still trust you with my life. But no more with my heart.