♡︎

Weaving between lanes of consciousness and reaction eventually became tiring. The last thing I remember wondering about was that burning in my throat. Was the warmth my own blood, or the grasp of your fingers on my throat?

I received a delivery of flowers with a card attached,

“For the most beautiful woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.”

It didn’t take long for me to realize that at some point, Will got enough free time to arrange for flowers to come today.

I stared at the pink dyed roses, they weren’t just pink but “Soft pink”. I was smitten, right there in that moment I couldn’t help but blush, this is what had gotten us into this predicament in the first place. It didn’t matter which room I fled to, in hand I was carrying the flowers he sent me. It was so imperative that even when being together it still felt like I was being courted.

We’ve been there many times, they chase you, they get you and then they think they “have” you. I’m a kept woman, and not because someone’s choosing to keep me.

I honored actions over words, gestures over thoughts and of course when being spoiled is involved I can’t help but feel greatly considered. There was no doubt that my smile was so heavy it became infectious. Even Geoffrey was practically skipping around the house.

Excitement rolled through my body for an event tonight, talks of champagne, picture taking, and a great show.

The mountains would be refuge for anyone who wanted to feel relatively small, being tucked away between the peaks had its own jarring affect on me. I spent time shopping and dilly dallying with my little girl around town before the birth of her little sibling. She was ecstatic and as happy as I was to have them safely in my arms, the pregnancy blues were already sweeping over my empty and desolate body. Soon my body would heal and all that would be left behind was a biological imprint.

Days since I had my body back, and it was odd and eerily unsettling. There was nothing I was protecting attached to me but myself yet I was still guarded and hesitant. I wondered how much of that moment I could share with the world as viewers loomed in the shadow waiting for news to come out. There was expectation yet we 𝘯𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳 made it to the podium.

We were both there for the beautiful birth of our baby and was very present and invested, but the second he left, I had to figure out why and with who. He had grown colder, more distant, quieter and I could see a fire in his eyes dimly snuffing out by the day. It didn't make me remorseful, it made me fragile. Every wince, every aim to look in the opposite direction created a fracture in my ceramic bone. Had he really started to despised me that much? Gotten bored already? Was ready to leave again?

I didn't know what I would see when I walked into the cafe, him sitting with another woman discussing his day? Was she asking him about his plans? Did she know he had 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 had a 𝘣𝘢𝘣𝘺?  As I pushed open the door, I quietly looked around the quaint cafe. It was an open layout of tall tables and chairs I would literally have to sacrifice my womb to even sit at. Playing pretend wouldn't be worth it. Just as I heard what I thought was Will's voice and ran towards it, "CLINK" a mingling of a coffee cup sliding across a saucer garners a little attention and to my surprise it was none other than Geoffrey. I gasped quietly, "you're not supposed to be here for another 3 days!" I said, excitement suffocating my curiosity as Will sat 12 feet away somewhere here. He ushered me out, almost certain I was here on a mission and my disguise was going to be compromised.

As we hid behind a bus stop shelter we stood parallel from one another. He was noticing there was no belly and as awkward as it was watching him piece everything together physically, it was a dread I couldn’t live any longer. “No the baby isn’t here.” I say with a smug smile on my face. He looks up quickly as if he’d been caught staring. “It was different seeing you in maternal mode like that. Your mom- she would be proud.” He said calmly with hints reminiscent of the manor. The same one my sister and I ran around to pass the days.

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘏𝘰𝘭𝘪𝘥𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘯𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘦𝘴

My due date was around the Corner, approaching quickly and leaving me little time to take care of the Christmas shenanigans beforehand. I had no way of knowing whether or not I’d be home for Christmas or if I’d still be in recovery with baby bean.

I decided to be a Proverbs 31 woman and help Will wrap some presents for Ellie to see under the tree. She kept asking why Santa delivered presents so early and she’s kinda convinced it’s because she’s overly educated and on the nice list.

She’s quickly warming up to the idea of a baby sibling, she really wants a little sister but she does question why we want other kids if we have her. Needless to say the little princess has been consoled and has found positive things to look forward to, like being a big sister. I’m so proud of her for expressing her feelings and also being able to adapt to change.

Not only is she adapting to a big change like a sibling, but also a huge move from France back to the states in the mountains of Estes. The weather is enough to make you say never mind, yet she’s fully embraced if.