For the love of god please turn back now

This isn’t a quick fix to your weight problem

This won’t help the way you feel about yourself

It will literally only make it worse

This is dangerous as fuck

Like you can actually fucking die

And today I felt like I was dying

My heart was pounding, and I was shaking violently. I didn’t have enough energy to get out of bed and when I stood up I’d nearly pass out.

I was laying in bed fucking sobbing because I’d rather be dead than physically feel like this

This problem is easily fucking solvable if I just ate

But I couldn’t because I was going to have pizza tonight

And even though I didn’t eat yesterday, and had less than 200 calories the day before, I still couldn’t bare to eat anything today because I would be forced to eat pizza with my family

Fucking pizza, a food I used to love, gives me fucking anxiety if there’s even a chance I’ll have to eat it. A food i used to love ruined by this godawful disorder, because all I can think about is how many calories are in a slice (but I have to eat 2 to keep away suspicious) and how greasy it is makes me want to puke

This is not a quick fix

This will not help you “gain control”

This will not give you discipline

But

This will give you anxiety

This will make you lie to the ones you love

This will make you absolutely hate yourself

With every ounce of your being

And if you go far enough

when im not hurting myself im not myself

tw selfharm:

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And i feel most of it is because i dont live with my emotionally abusive mom anymore.

I keep denying that it was emotional abuse but everytime i think about any day that i was there i want to cry and yell.

The loud noises, the yelling, the screaming, getting locked up in my room or house like an animal (at 16 years old ...)

When i cry i need to stop being dramatic, when im angry i need to calm down. When im happy she finds a way to get rid of that.

I was called lazy, dramatic, crazy, ungrateful

She wanted to send me away, kick me out of the house, put me in foster care.

Told me foster parents are MUCH worse then her and will beat me up and rape me.

Told me when i went to my room to go cut myself again.

She blames me for worsening her mental ilness,

The night i got sexually assaulted she told me terrible things, locked me up and wanted to sell my things and send me away. Bc i let someone in the house.

She made me not forget this for years and years. Every time she would remind me of how i need to do the best of my best to win back her trust.

She has kicked me, pushed me and tried to hit me.

Then tried to convince me that never happened.

I now live with my boyfriend and his dad. In seven months i have had more happy memories, learned more then in the 16 years at my moms house. I have never heard any yelling, any gaslighting, any guiltripping from his dad.

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if you

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love and appreciate

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But then later, you actually develop some empathy, awareness of other people’s feelings and their inner worlds and thoughts and situations, and you outgrow your parent’s maturity. And at that point you’re just so used to tolerating their shit you don’t even think twice, you’re the adult now, you let them have their way, you forgive and forget, clean their messes, take care of their feelings and make it all okay for them.

But then at one point, you realize you have adults acting like literal spoiled children, when you’ve outgrown this a while ago, and you ask yourself, when they gonna grow? When they gonna develop some self awareness? And then you go and assume they just never had a mature presence in their life so they had no way to learn (which isn’t true because then how did you learn it?), and you go and try to teach them by showing them a good example. You become extra nice, patient, explain things to them, cater to their inner worlds, try to explain to them that there’s people other than them on this world, who have feelings and hearts and deep inner world and this is significant and needs to be respected. But all they ever respond with is “yes I am those people now cater to me”. 

It is impossible to teach abusive parents by showing them a good example. They will insist you do it over and over again, and then exploit your kindness to the max. Literally the kinder you get, the worse they get. They soon expect you to run after their every need, to jump at their every whim, and in return they insult you for a good measure, call you worthless and lazy, then they go to sleep without a care in the world. 

Do not do this. They’re not growing up because they benefit so strongly from acting like a kid. Once all of their immaturity privileges and tolerations are suspended, and they’re forced to act like a proper human being in order to keep gettinng what they want, suddenly they’ll know exactly how to do it. 

You never knew what the consequences would be. You could be wildly overpunished for something as simple as failing to close a door, saying the wrong word, having a certain face expression. You would get blamed and punished for things you didn’t do. You would get punished for someone’s bad mood. You would get punished for existing next to someone who was angry and wanted a punching bag. 

There was no consistency in your life, you had to live tiptoeing and hoping you would somehow do the right thing and avoid torture, the rules would change and twist and turn against you no matter what you would do, you developed a sixth sense to figure out when someone was irritated or upset, and you would still end up hurt and abused. 

And you got told this is normal, this is just how life is, everyone has it like this. You don’t doubt it or see it as abuse, it’s just your every day, you can’t imagine living a life where you’re safe, where you don’t have to expect thousand horrible things to happen if you make a tiny mistake that you initially had no idea would even be a mistake.