Dylan Moran

get to know me || 5 male characters; Bernard Black

Go and get a job. Go and find a flat. Find somebody else. Put them in the flat. Make them stay. Get a toaster. Go to work. Get on the bus. Look at your boss. Say “fuck”. Sit down. Pick up the thing. Go blank. Scream internally. Go home. Listen to the radio. Look at the other person. Think, “WHY? Why did this happen?”. Go to bed. Lie awake! At night! Get up. Feel groggy. Put the things on – your clothes – whatever they’re called. Go out the door, into work – same thing! Same people, again, it’s real, it is happening, to you. Go home again! Sit, radio, dinner – mmm. Gardening, gardening, gardening, death.

I always remember, my granny used to say to me: The neck and the groin, the neck and the groin. Doesn’t matter how big the fucker is, they’ve all got a neck and a groin.

Who sleeps, really? If you’re a proper adult person in the 21st century, how can you relax, at all? Your mind keeps churning. You think, “What if this thing happens?! What if that thing happens?! What if they happen together?! What if I lose my job?! I hate my fucking job! But what if I lose it?” Your mind is a hive of worms. And worms don’t live in a hive, so it already feels unnatural. You lie in bed, beside your partner… “What if I died?!” If you don’t have a partner, you just think, “What if I died? …Okay, I would be dead.” But if you do have a partner and family, you’d think, “What if I died? How would they cope?” They wouldn’t! They would be out in the street in half an hour, stealing food from seagulls mouths! Or worse! They WOULD cope! They’d have a much nicer, cleaner house! And an improved sense of self-worth. Probably more money! And inevitably your partner would find somebody within the first 3-4 days, and begin a tumultuous sexual relationship. They would be having sex a lot in your bed when you were dead! The morning, the afternoon, the evening, and the night time would be the main times they would be having sex, in your bed, when you were dead. Feeding each other lobster with their bare hands, to give each other more energy to try it in new and more demanding ways. When your realise you are lying besides somebody who is waiting for you to die! And what’s more, they’re sleeping to make the time go faster.