The Daily Derby

Roller Derby players are abuzz with excitement for a brand new shop that only sells a range creams for skin complaints

The store promises to help players tackle sweat rash, ring worm, rink rash, fungal infection, eczema, hand thrush, pit thrush, thrush thrush, hives, nappy rash, derby rash, shingles and gangrene.

"We're so excited to open a bricks and mortar store, run by derby players, for derby players", said owner Rash Nality.

"Back when I started, we had knee-starts and minors, and our knowledge of derby related skin complaints was so limited! It's funny to think that what we called derby rash was actually a whole field of various infections, each requiring a different treatment"

A new rule will allow jammers to call off WFTDA sanctioning mid game.

WFTDA spokesperson Sarah ConHer, told us that the new rule would make more Derby games happen, and that could only be a good thing.

“Last year we found lots of teams either wouldn’t play other teams, or would play and not sanction to protect their ranking”, said ConHer, “we think giving the jammer the ability to call off the sanctioning mid game will mean that teams will be more willing to play each other, and that’s great!”

“Except for the five teams with a shot at the Hydra”, ConHer continued, “in Roller Derby strength factor ranking is now the end game, so obviously teams who are not likely to play for the hydra must do all they can to protect their all important ranking. Currently, the best strategy for this is to pool the entire teams disposable income in to one pot, set up an affordable monthly repayment plan, and travel to the nearest continent with high ranking teams that will sanction against you for a month, and play as many games as you can.”

We asked ConHer to tell us a bit about the new bench position that will accompany this rule: “Each team will be able to field a Stat-Shaman as well as a bench manager and a bench coach”, she said, “the Stat Shaman’s job will be to add excitement to the game by protecting the teams ranking. If the Shaman feels the rank is at risk, then she may assign the jammer the Sanction Panty, which, when worn, will result in the sanctioning being discarded”.

This move by the WFTDA comes as some have suggested that perhaps rankings should be a seeding for competitive play, rather than an end game in itself, however research continues to show that audiences everywhere are glued to the excitement of the ups and downs of strength factor ranking: “there’s no better thrill than refreshing your browser and seeing where your favourite teams ranking has moved to, breaking that dynamic would be a blow for the fans and bad for the sport”.

Looking a little dishevelled and blinking in the sunlight, 14 members of the original Texas Roller Girls emerged from a decade long committee meeting yesterday, with a host of new league recommendations and procedures.

“We can’t wait to get the league using these new best practises”, said Kimmy Hit, “they’re totally going to change the way we organise hire kit, account for dues and track minor penalties”.

“We’ve also got some great new tactical ideas for speeding up jam starts and making the most of power jams, so we really get the most out of that minute where the jammer is in box, we also think it’s time someone made a hollywood movie about roller derby to boost the profile of the sport”

The group are planning another committee meeting later in the year to put to rest a few more of roller derby’s burning questions, like where did all the fishnets go? and should mandatory committee membership be extended to player’s family members?

Parents, Paul and Eileen Dugman confessed this week that they are completely unaware of what point they should cheer when watching their daughter’s roller derby match.

“We tried cheering each time a point was scored” said father Paul, “but it was near impossible to keep track of when a point had actually been scored, and no one else was doing it so we gave up”.

“Everyone else was cheering at the beginning while the skaters had their names read out”, said Eileen, “but my hands got tired”.

The Dugmans daughter Dig Dug who plays for the L.A. Mole Rats is very understanding of her parents, and is basically just happy that they come to the odd game and have a nice time before leaving slightly more confused than when they arrived.

“It takes a while to learn the rules about cheering”, she said, “it’s a little embarrassing when mom stands up on her own and shouts ‘WELL DONE DEAR, YOU GOT A POINT’, but mostly I’m just happy they can see us all having a good time”.

A WTFDA spokesperson said a guide of appropriate cheering times is in the works to improve the flow of the cheering game. 

The Wild Lil Things Derby Girls of the Netherlands have expressed deep sadness after learning that skater Demi Less’s ACL tear injury is inoperable and understand her decision to be euthanized next week.

“I may not be able to control my edges any more, but at least I will be able to control my own demise”, said Demi Less, who is able to get about with the aid of a crutch, but is completely unable to perform T-stops, plows or even basic hockey stops.

Speaking via text message, a spokesperson for Demi’s home league commented :-( and :’’’’( although these words most likely fail to represent the depth of pain the team feels at this time.

In a move that the WFTDA says will "markedly improve the flow the of the game", junior derby will ditch the traditional penalty box in favour of less time consuming punishments administered by officials, such as being made to wear a large dunce helmet, or receiving a 'whip' on the knuckles from the head referees whistle for rule infractions.

A WFTDA spokes person said:

"we're super excited about this, and it's not just the game flow that will be improved, over time we expect that roller derby children will be 17% better behaved than children who are molly-coddled by sports such as soccer, rugby and dodge-ball"

At a recent junior derby tournament, crowd members also voiced their support for the move, many reporting that "spank alley never did me no harm", and that "many children these days do not know they are born". They also spoke wistfully of roaming long distances without adult supervision, fishnet stockings, and making roller derby tracks out of shoes, some shaking teary-eyed heads as they lamented that today's children do not partake in any of these activities.

Bench coaches are already devising ways to use the new rules to their own advantage, burning the clock by calling timeouts to question what happens when a star is passed to someone who's dunce helmet is too large to accommodate a helmet cover, and running in to the middle between jams to question whether opposing skaters had the correct number of whips to the knuckles, and whether their dunce helmet has a large enough 'D' on it - expect some exciting rules clarifications in the near future!

When asked for comment, the junior derby players promptly lined up in height order and said nothing, staring straight ahead with a steely glare.

A WFTDA spokesperson today confirmed that face bracing  will be included in the upcoming changes to minimum skills requirements.

This means that all skaters must demonstrate confidence and stability when being braced in the face, or indeed in the boobs.

“for too long, players have been bracing faces without being taught how to do it properly, as a sport its important that we take things like nostril damage seriously and take steps to limit it - this a step in that direction”