Private Diary

It’s too bad that i haven’t spoken to you in a while. You were on vacation and i get that you’re not on your phone, but you said you’d reply later on. However you didn’t. While i’m a bit sad about it, it’s in your own right to do whatever you want. We’re not even dating, we only had one date. What i’m contemplating about is whether to send you a message first. I can ask you how your vacation was, but i can also just let it bleed out if you don’t message me back or again. However i can also take matters in my own hands, take control. I can do that, but i always want the man to show me that he wants to date me. It will give me assurance. It helpes me since i’m afraid of rejection. Shall i act differently this time though? There truely is no right or wrong way.

I’ve gone way outside of my comfort zone. I’d normally won’t go on a date with someone who i haven’t spoken a lot to. Yet, i’ve gone on a date with someone i’ve never spoken to. I’m not sure what it is, but i felt some kind of connection to this guy. Who is you. I’m not sure if it’s the way the conversation went, or it was because we’ve never talked before. When we met, it felt so natural, like we’ve known each other for years already. I could be my dorky, talkative, idiot, mean self. I’ve had dates where i had this feeling before, but not like with you. With you, i could show my vurnable side. It felt more trustworthy, you felt more trustworthy and might i add, sincere? I felt really comfortable with you and i felt like i could open up and be vulnerble. Thinking back to the date, you’ve said some things about me and the date that were so cute. When you said i was mean, i said you’d have to take it or leave it. You said you wanted to take it. Which i actually found pretty surprising, i’m not sure why. You also said you didn’t want the date to end. At that moment, i also didn’t want it to end. When we kissed, i knew i wanted to spend more time with you. I don’t think i’ve had this feeling to that extend. It just felt so comfortable and right that i went home with you. This also is way outside my comfort zone, but i just felt like lets just go with the flow. Lets have fun. Everything with you felt so natural. I never felt uncomfortable. Even the day after was great. You were so sweet all the time. I actually wanted to feel special, but i didn’t dare to, because i didn’t want to go ahead of myself. I’ll admit, i already have a crush on you. Eventhough i don’t know you that well, i want to enjoy what’s going to come. I would love to continu to date and get to know you. And if that doesn’t happen, that’s fine too. I’d be sad, but i’m glad to have had this feeling and experience. If it ends on a good note though. Right now, we haven’t talked a lot. I hope it’s only because you are on vacation. However it was cute how you said you didn’t look at your phone, because Valencia was that great. It kinda felt like you were worried, because you didn’t have to say anything. I could also be looking into it too much. Anyway, i’m ready to see how things will develop, with or without you.

I don’t really know what i feel and why i feel what i feel, but honestly, that’s fine. I have to keep telling myself that. I always need a reason, but sometimes you just don’t know. I have to be honest with myself. I have to let myself go, be true to my feelings. It’s okay to not be okay and right now i am not okay.

I’m so insecure that i’m searching for validation of others. I’m searching for attention, when i don’t actually need it. I always overthink things, which make me anxious and go crazy. I keep torturing myself

I thought i was fine. That’s what i told myself. I had nothing to complain about. I am in such a blessed life, but the truth is that i am sad. I am tired. I’m not unhappy, but i am tired and sad. And i have no reason to be. But sometimes you feel like this without a reason. I tried to give it a reason, upcoming mentruation, work, which made me tired. I tried to understand it, but i actually don’t. I tried to bury these feelings. Not acknowleding them. But with just one word, those feeling rose up and hit me on the head. It wasn’t a punch, but a hit and it still hurted. It occasionly happened, so it wasn’t a suprise for me, but it still caught me off gaurd, because i’m afraid i’ve been denying it for too long.

Ik voel me stom, ik voel me in de maling genomen, maar het belangrijkste, ik voel me gegeneerd. Ik heb mezelf pijn gedaan, doordat ik te hard van stapel liep. Ik heb gehandeld op de manier hoe jij tegen mij hebt gedaan en dat was mijn fout. Ik had mijn gevoelens moeten onderdrukken, maar jij liet me voelen alsof ik dat niet hoefde te doen. Je liet me comfortabel voelen. Je zei al die dingen tegen mij waardoor ik je begon te vertrouwen. Al bleef ik de scepticisme behouden. Je zegt dat je de druk dat op mij lag weg wilde halen, maar dat je ondertussen de druk op jezelf legde. Dit is een fout van jou. Ik heb in het begin tegen je gezegd dat je aan jezelf moest denken en niet aan mij. Kijk waar het ons heeft gebracht, ik die onnodig gekwetst is. Ik wilde in de eerste instantie alleen maar vrienden zijn, maar je liet het zo ver komen dat ik je leuk ben gaan vinden. Je hebt jezelf eigenlijk op mij geforceerd. Het is echter mijn fout dat ik je heb binnen gelaten. Ik begrijp goed dat mijn gevoelens voor jou dieper zijn dan jou gevoelens voor mij. Jij hebt altijd die dingen gezegd waardoor dat gebeurde. Ergens binnen deze gehele situatie geef ik jou de schuld. Ik geef jou de schuld om het feit dat je me valse hoop hebt gegeven, ik geef jou de schuld dat je me voor je hebt laten vallen, ik geef jou de schuld om de lieve woorden die je niet tegen me had moeten zeggen, ik geef je de schuld dat je te lief voor me bent geweest. Het is echter ook mijn eigen schuld geweest. Ik had me niet zo comfortabel bij je moeten voelen. Ik had niet gelijk alles moeten zeggen wat ik voelde. Dit alles hoefde niet te gebeuren, maar het is eenmaal gebeurd. Vergeet niet, dat jij degene was die zei "i think i'm falling in love with you" en "em yeu chi". Ik ben niet degene die te hard van stapel is gelopen, dat ben jij. Wat ik heb gedaan is achter jou aan lopen. Dat had ik niet moeten doen. Dus doe alsjeblief niet alsof ik degene was die hard van stapel liep. Doe niet alsof het mijn schuld was. Het was allemaal jouw schuld. Jouw schuld. Ongeachte dat ben je uiteindelijk een belangrijk persoon voor me geworden en ik wil je niet uit mijn leven hebben. Ik hoop oprecht dat we in de toekomst vrienden kunnen zijn. Wanneer ik alles heb verwerkt en het je niet meer verwijt.

I really want to get to know him, but i'm also not ready for it.

I have peace in not knowing.

You don't know what i'm capable of.

Actually, i don't know what i'm feeling..

I'm feeling more than i want to.

I wished time would go by faster..

Never doubt yourself.

I am obviously still hurting because of everything.