garden in the valley

My father asks

"You used to sit in my lap

and pretend to drive — "

He smiles and laughs

"Yes" I say

With bared teeth

I do remember the van

Your bloody knuckles

I have always wanted to tell my dad

“I could kill you

I could kill you and no one would miss you

I could kill you and I have evidence

Of everything you’ve ever done

So the police would know it was self defense”

But every curse

And every broken cup

Make me feel like I’m small

And I lock it all away

Like I lock myself in my room

Shaking

With anger

One day I might kill you

I’ll make you feel fear

And every bit of pain you’ve ever made me feel

At least that’s what I tell myself

To survive until tomorrow

I could kill you

I could kill you

I’m stronger than you

Physically

Emotionally

I could overpower you with ease

I am perfectly capable of defending myself

I know I can

And I just choose not to

「degenerate」

「easy to forget 」

dont worry about me, i dont need you anyway

forget about me like you always have

and leave me to the caves im in

the very ones ive made myself 

you cant let me out, nor do i expect you to

i dont need someone to come and save me from all this

not that you were thinking a-bout saving me at all

the cave is warm, the cave is cold

i dont need a savior

i dont need a visitor 

i need someone fitter than the mayfly youve become

come and go but never staying

youre too weak and youre too soft 

you wont make it here

so its better if you leave never to come back

so dont turn around and look at me

im not your abyss 

im not eurydice 

back from the place in which i was made

but now i can see

would you notice if i vanished

designated consciousness 

forced into reality and ripped from a dream 

the walls are blank and empty as they always have been 

you never get to see me so how do you know im even really living

dont pretend to care

you arent my wellbeing 

developing a conscience for all human life 

its worthless if you care more about morality than you do a person

with your useless designated conscienceness 

dont bother with your empty words that will never be fulfilled 

id rather wither and be left to rot in the crevice than succumb to stupid words that dont mean anything but your need for feeling guiltless

thats what it always is, selfish need to ease yourself than the one in front of you

empathy and sympathy lie too close 

but i dont need your pathies