Vibing

unfortunately for pantalone, dottore found all of his excuses to be complete lies. by all means, he doesn't mind pantalone being clingy but he would strongly prefer if they remained physically affectionate behind closed doors. sometimes, it felt like his husband was pushing his luck a bit too far.

today was no different. it was supposed to be a quick, formal meeting regarding the recent budget changes, and yet the mischievous smile on pantalone's lips was enough to send warning signals. dottore had already taken a step back from the banker's desk, putting some distance between them.

"stay there, feofan. do not come over here and pounce on me." pantalone tilted his head, feigning confusion because it was incredibly amusing to watch dottore becoming so defensive. "so quick to accuse me when i did nothing wrong. how rude of you, my dear doctor."

dottore was quick to snap back, crossing his arms as a faint, rosy blush formed on his cheeks. "i have my reasons for putting distance between us." if anything, he could think of a million reasons why he didn't want pantalone anywhere near him.

his affectionate touches and sweet words gave him goosebumps on his skin. "you were smothering my face in kisses and capitano was unfortunate enough to witness your shameless behavior."

"out of all our colleagues, he's the least of our troubles. he never brought it up, so i don't see the issue here?" fortunately for them, capitano knew better than to meddle in other people's business. however, it wasn't his intention to interrupt their privacy, he only wanted to discuss funding for his troops.

dottore ran his hands across his face, letting out an exaggerated sigh. "the problem is that you are so quick to touch me at random moments, that i don't know how to react-" warm, steady hands came to rest on his hips, making him jump from the unexpected touch.

he immediately turned around to find pantalone standing behind him with an amused expression. how the hell had he gotten behind him so quickly? he was just sitting at his desk only a moment ago! "you are proving my point right now."

"so? it's just us here. i doubt anyone would intrude on our private moment, hm?" dottore was incredibly grateful that his mask concealed his face, he would rather not give pantalone any more reasons to tease him right now.

his hands rest against his husband's chest, gently pushing pantalone back a bit. although pantalone did enjoy provoking a reaction out of dottore, he was still careful to not cross their boundaries.

without hesitation, he gently pulled away before offering a soft, reassuring smile to his husband. "did i make you uncomfortable, zandik?" dottore could only sigh, shaking his head. despite the teasing, it was endearing that pantalone still prioritize his comfort above everything else.

"not at all, don't worry about that. i'm just.." his words fell silent on his lips before averting his gaze. dottore would rather not admit aloud that he was a bit bashful to reciprocate his husband's affections sometimes.

a soft chuckle escapes pantalone's lips, dottore's shy expression was enough for him to assume that he was simply embarrassed, not uncomfortable. he decided to press their foreheads together, pulling dottore closer to him his eyes lingered on those soft lips, seeking for permission. "may i, dear?"

"... go ahead, feofan. you're insatiable anyways." there was no venom in his words, earning a soft laugh from both of them. dottore tilts his head just enough to avoid poking pantalone with his mask, gently capturing his lips into a tender kiss. he felt pantalone attempting to deepen their kiss, slightly parting his lips to welcome him in for more.

before they had the chance to do unspeakable things on the banker's desk, the office door was suddenly slammed open. the loud noise startled them, abruptly ending their little makeout session. "pantalone! i grabbed the paperwork you wanted. is there anything else you need- oh!"

tartaglia froze in place, nearly dropping the papers to the floor. by all means, this was truly an accident and a misunderstanding at best. he had informed pantalone hours earlier that he would be stopping by, and somehow, he managed to run into them again under the most unfortunate circumstances.

to avoid any further confrontation, tartaglia set the paperworks down on a nearby table and quickly left without saying another word, closing the door behind him. dottore couldn't hold back a scowl, his poor face was burning red as a cherry.

pantalone could only sigh, his own cheeks were a bit red as he pulled away and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck. "oh dear, i forgot he was um.. supposed to come over today." this was completely unintentional on his part. he had genuinely lost track of time because he was more focused on teasing dottore. "and you didn't inform me?"

"my memory is quite poor. have pity on me, dearie." unfortunately, luck and mercy were clearly not on dottore's side today. all he could do was groan in frustration, burying his face into his hands. pantalone tries to comfort to his grumpy husband, pressing a quick kiss on dottore's cheek. "at least it wasn't pulcinella."

in exchange for a prolonged lifespan, pantalone had encountered more than a few difficulties throughout his life. from necrosis to skin grafts, his body had undergone multiple surgeries and medical treatment to preserve his physique.

by all means, he saw it as an equal exchange. a fair trade, one could argue because he placed his unwavering trust in dottore's abiities to treat him. pantalone left his health and well-being in good hands and he had never regretted his decision. however, there were days when he found himself feeling self-conscious about his appearance, pesky insecurities would float around in his mind for a while.

when he started dating dottore, pantalone felt more reluctant to hold hands with his lover. granted, dottore also had scars on his hands and pantalone knew he wouldn't judge him. however, there was always that nagging voice in the back of his mind telling him otherwise. for a businessman, he was supposed to be pristine, not painted with scars.

his hands were his greatest insecurity. from his biased perspective, they looked utterly horrifying. pantalone had never bothered to take great care of them, allowing years of scars and calluses to build up over time. every time he stared down at his bare skin, a wave of self-hatred hits him hard. all pantalone can do was conceal his imperfections with his gloves and forced a professional smile on his face.

for a long time, pantalone wore thick gloves on his hands and sometimes kept them buried deep within his coat pockets. he tried to casually play it off whenever dottore brought up his habits, insisting that the weather had simply been too cold lately. as if snezhnaya wasn't always cold everyday, what a terrible lie. but dottore didn't bother to press the matter any further.

of course, there wasn't a part of pantalone that didn't feel guilty for withdrawing his touch from his lover. and yet, it was difficult to swallow down those insecurities and simply ignore his negative thoughts.

he continued to avoid the subject until dottore brought it up again during one of his routine check-ups. except, dottore had a tendency to be well.. direct with his words, not realizing how they might come across to others. "take it off."

"pardon?" pantalone tilted his head in confusion, which made dottore soften his words. "i meant your gloves. take them off, please." he watched as the banker's body tensed, freezing on the spot. pantalone tried to look away, fidgeting with his hands nervously.

perhaps he had still been a bit too forward with his approach, which was unfortunate. dottore could only sighed, removing the mask from his face and setting it aside on a nearby table. he took a seat beside pantalone, reaching out to take one of his hands into his own. "apologies, i was too forceful with my words. i just.. don't understand. you're not afraid of my scars, and yet you're scared to show me your own."

dottore felt a slight tremble coming from pantalone's hand, gently squeezing it to reassure him. "feofan, i have operated on you more times than i can count. i have seen every part of you, even the ones you hate. i won't feel disgusted, i promise."

pantalone let out a shaky breath, fighting back every emotion that threatened to spill out. he was truly afraid that if he spoke, he might cry on the spot. instead, he finally made an effort to peel away his gloves, resting the fabric on his lap.

he knows that he can't avoid his scars forever, his eyelashes rapidly blinking away the tears. his vision was beyond blurry and he really didn't want to cry infront of dottore. pantalone knew it was ridiculous to feel ashamed of the state of his hands. but his insecurities still held him down, thoughts spiraling in his head.

the silence was suffocating for a moment until dottore finally made a move. he removed his own gloves, tossing them aside without a care. he laced their fingers together, lifting their joined hands and pressing a kiss on the top of them. "beautiful. just like you, love."

pantalone felt his eyes watered even more before a few droplets rolled his cheeks. he began to cry more when dottore peppered kisses across his hand, treating each scar as if it were precious. he sniffled, using his sleeve to wipe away the tears streaming down his face. "d-do you truly mean that, zandik?"

"yes, very much." dottore could hear the slight doubt in his lover's voice, deciding to reassure pantalone with a quick kiss on the lips. the last thing he wanted was for pantalone to feel uncertain about his words. "i'm so damn lucky to have you as my significant other."

"heh, you could just say 'boyfriend', dear..."

"... don't nitpick me right now, not when your face is still a mess." pantalone let out a soft chuckle, he couldn't argue with that fact. his face was indeed a mess but it didn't bother him at the moment. pantalone did think it was endearing that dottore was far too shy to admit the status of their relationship, as if it were all a dream he could wake up from. "you're blushing, zandik."

"and so are you. now, hush and let me dry your face." dottore rolled his eyes, feigning annoyance as he used some tissues to clean the tears from pantalone's cheeks. despite their little bantering, pantalone was grateful to have dottore by his side. once his face was dry from tears, his glasses finally returned to his face, despite the redness around his eyes.

"... thank you, dear. you don't know how much this means to me." a soft, genuine smile of gratitude formed on pantalone's lips, which was terribly contagious as a smile formed on his lover's face too. dottore reached for one of the banker's hands again, pressing another kiss on his knuckles. "you're welcome. at least.. we're matching now. scars and all."

all he could do was wait for dottore to arrive home, still finishing up lab reports in his laboratory. pantalone went ahead and set up the table in their living room, candles flickering on top of the cake.

a handful of balloons were scattered across the room and he placed the gifts in a nearby corner. perhaps he had gone a little overboard with his budget but pantalone didn't really care. after all, it wouldn't leave a dent in his fortune.

a brief wave of sadness washed over him, all he could think about was dottore. pantalone was very aware that his husband rarely celebrated his own birthdays. more often than not, dottore would even go on missions for weeks. he truly wanted to avoid his birthday altogether.

he understood why dottore was reluctant to celebrate his birthday, pantalone used to do the same. sometimes the memories of this special occasion can be unbearable. however, if there was one thing he had learned, it was that every birthday was a once-in-a-lifetime occasion. everyone was destined to meet their end sooner or later, so why not enjoy your special day?

pantalone eventually snapped out of his thoughts, the sound of footsteps approaching from outside caught his attention. he quickly dimmed the lights, making his way to the front door to greet his lovely husband. the moment dottore steps inside, pantalone slipped behind him and covered his eyes with his own hands. "what is the meaning of this, feofan?"

"just play along, won't you? now, come with me." for weeks, dottore had his suspicions that pantalone was planning something extravagant. however, he still decided to play along reluctantly, taking hesitant steps forwards as they reach the living room.

he knew exactly what today was and he has been dreading it. although he understood that pantalone had good intentions, it wouldn't erase the terrible memories he had with previous birthdays. to dottore, birthdays were seen as trivial and he had never seen the point in celebrating his own.

they continued walking until they reached their destination, pantalone finally pull his hands away and came around to stand in front of his husband. "keep your eyes closed, okay?" dottore let out a weary sigh, the growing sense of dread continues to build in his chest. "fine, i will. i don't know how you do this every day."

pantalone rolled his eyes before reaching for the small cake on the table. "stop analyzing my eyes. that's not the point right now." he adjusted his grip on the cake, stepping closer as a warm smile blooms across his lips. "now then.. open your eyes, dearie."

dottore slowly opened his eyes, his body immediately tensing up. their living room was decorated with balloons, presents, and scented candles. before he had a chance to scold pantalone for his impulsive spending habits, his gaze finally lingered on the cake resting in the banker's hands.

the cake was decorated with fresh strawberries and flickering candles, definitely a beautiful sight indeed. this wonderful desert was clearly made with only the finest ingredients, everything was high-quality and visually appealing. dottore stood there in silence, completely stunned in place.

he finally noticed the rosy blush forming on pantalone's cheeks, he could tell that his husband put a lot of thought into this celebration. "birthdays are special, you know? it always pained me whenever you deliberately left on a mission on your birthday.. simply because you didn't want to celebrate it."

pantalone carefully return the cake back on the table before reaching for a handmade rose instead. he had crafted it by hand, using leftover scraps of paper and fleece to bring it to life. however, this small project took a lot of energy out of him and he was only able to make one.

"this time, i want to spend it with you. i want to show you that you matter to me, that you deserve all of my love." he placed his handmade gift into dottore's hands, his smile growing warmer with every passing second. "allow me to be the first to say it. happy birthday, zandik."

to say that dottore was surprised would have been an understatement. he remain frozen in place, his fingers tightening around the rose. for a moment, pantalone was worried that he had gone too far.

all of his concerns vanish away the moment dottore suddenly wrapped his arms around him. without hesitation, he returned the warm embrace with a smile, gently pressing a kiss on the side of his husband's head.

pantalone was about to say something, however, he suddenly felt a warm dampness soaking into his shoulder. he was quick to be concerned, trying to pull back but dottore only clings to him tighter. he really didn't want pantalone to see the tears on his face. "are you okay? why are you crying, dear?"

dottore only buried his face deeper into his husband's shoulder, light trembles shook throughout his body. curse these human emotions, he had never expected himself to react so strongly to such a wonderful surprise. "i'm fine, just hold me. please..."

it was utterly embarrassing, he was still growing sentimental over a tradition that he had intentionally avoided for centuries. it wasn't the cake or the mountain of gifts that brought tears to his eyes. but rather, he got emotional because someone had cared enough to remember his birthday, let alone go through this much effort.

pantalone let out a soft sigh before finally separating from the warm embrace. his hands gently cupped his husband's cheeks, slowly removing the mask from dottore's face. tears blocked his vision, followed by a sniffle. all he could do was mutter a soft apology, to which pantalone immediately reassured him. "don't apologize for being emotional, it's perfectly normal. are you alright, though?"

".. i'm alright, i promise. i'm just overwhelmed."

"overwhelmed in a good way or a bad way, dear?" pantalone gently brushed the tears away with his thumbs, pressing a soft peck on his husband's nose. "in a good way. i'm just.. grateful, thank you." dottore had never expected to receive this much love and kindness before, sometimes it felt overwhelming. for centuries, he always viewed himself as a monster and yet pantalone was always here to remind him that he was still human.

"you're welcome. do you still want to blow out your candles?" a light chuckle escapes his lips, following pantalone over to the couch before taking a seat beside him. "sure, bring it here." the cake was slowly placed in front of him, and the eagerness on pantalone's expression was quite adorable.

he sat in silence, allowing the banker to sing 'happy birthday' in the comfort of their living room. a soft laugh slips from dottore, noticing that pantalone had stumbled over his words halfway through the tune.

however, it was the thought that mattered the most to him. the moment that the song came to an end, dottore silently made his wish before finally blowing out the candles with a smile on his lips. "happy birthday, love!"

"thank you again, feofan. although, it really wasn't necessary to buy me so many gifts." truth be told, dottore was simply happy with the cake and the handmade rose that his husband prepared. of course, pantalone was quick to disagreed, already cutting the cake into slices. "nonsense. my husband deserves to be spoiled rotten. now, let's eat some cake."

The breath he takes is less erratic. He hears movement at his side, and then a touch. A warm hand cradling his cheek. He looks to the side, not without effort, and although he cannot see well, the silhouette is familiar. Something settles inside his mind. His fingers twitch to life.

“It’s okay,” the voice continues, soft, patient, “It’ll be over soon, it’s okay.”

He can feel a hand grasping his, massaging small circles into the back of his hand. He can feel it. Feofan swallows. He’s not starving, there are no hunger pangs. 

“I’m here, love,” you say, leaning down to kiss his forehead. 

From this close he can recognize you. Blurry and your features all smudged together, but undeniably you. And his hand squeezes yours.

“There you are,” you murmur against his skin. 

Your lips meet the tip of his nose next. He doesn’t remark on it. For now, he allows what he usually wouldn’t let pass. You lie down next to him, your chin on his shoulder, your forehead resting against his temple. As the numbness and restraints uncoil from his body, he leans his head closer to yours.

The bed is the one he went to sleep in, you both went to sleep in. Not the uneven, hard and frozen cobblestone of the streets. The duvet is heavy and warm, the sheets are comfortable, luxurious, worth the price tag that he didn’t bother to look at. His clothes don’t bite into his skin, they don’t irritate the scars, old or new. You wear a matching set, you curl into his side when his arm draws you closer. You come so willingly it’s clear it wouldn’t cross your mind to draw back in repulsion. 

Feofan turns to lie on his side and buries his nose into your hair. He smells the shampoo you share, the familiar scent of it, remembers every detail of the bathroom, the number of products lining the bath, the scalding hot water, your body under his palms - your hands cleaning his body, carding through his hair.

You shift in his hold but don’t attempt to flee - wisely. You would not be allowed. Gingerly, your fingers find the hem of his shirt. A nod, and then your touch finds his skin. Your hands are warm and something finally stops trembling deep inside his chest. 

Your hands are warm in the middle of the night in the middle of Snezhnayan winter. 

“Go back to sleep, darling,” he mutters into your hair. It’s an unreasonable request - how could you fall asleep, given how tightly he holds you? 

“Soon, my love,” you whisper back. 

You stroke down his spine, tracing the vertebrae. The skin of his back is mostly unblemished with scars. You don’t care, and most of the time he doesn’t care either. But right now Feofan feels something akin to relief that you don’t witness any more proof of his failures in life.

Your nose traces his collarbone before you leave a kiss on the pit of his throat. He welcomes your silence and promises to himself that he shall reward it in the morning. Perhaps he’ll stay in bed with you until you wake up, or he’ll send for you to have breakfast together. He thinks you’d like that.

For now, he returns your kiss. You fit so perfectly into his embrace, like you were made for him. Yet another custom-made piece in his collection, precious above all the rest. The one treasure that could not be replaced.