Persian Mom Dad

words in [ ] are interchangeable/changeable

None of Thee Above

“ You flatter me With all your lovely jewelry And custom tailored tragedy ” “ It fits you like a glove ” “ [We] knew for all you said and all you’ve done that you would be the lonely one ” “ [We] know you’re right where you belong ” “ [We] hope you burn and grow to learn what you’ve done ” “ The truth you’ll find ironically is none of the above ” “ [We] watched you fumble your way home ” “ [We] watched the wounded, waiting Calling out the call ”

Carve A Smile

“ For every tear you’ve shed I’d carve a smile into my skin ” “ You have the unique ability to damage me ” “ You have seen too much and in between ” “ I can’t guarantee I’ll be the one thing you need ” “ I can’t guarantee I’ll be the one thing you need, but I won’t make a promise I can’t keep ” “ I won’t make a promise I can’t keep ” “ I can’t guarantee that you won’t pick up and leave ” “ I swear, I’ll make you smile ” “ With every kiss you make a better man of me ” “ The safe disguise of accidental lies won’t hide us here ” “ No more, my dear ” “ I would sacrifice the air that makes my body breathe If it keeps you safe ” “ I was wrong about love, I was wrong all along ” “ I was wrong about love ” “ I was wrong about life ”

Room by Room

“ I would walk through a glance and I’d stop at the stare ” “ I’d follow it down To the very last step ” “ I’d wait by the room Where your secrets are kept ” “ If you beckoned me in I would hang my black hat on a bottle of pain ” “ I’d burn every book with a villain inside ” “ I’d march through the door to you parlor of need where the glass on the floor would make weaker men bleed ” “ The weight of my words would turn slivers to dust ” “ I’ll pace for as long as I live if I must ” “ I’d pause for a time and I’d look at your world ” “ I’d fashion a rhyme For a lost little [girl] ”

Ghost Town

Episode 6 “You suck at cooking and you suck at a whole bunch of other things that I’m not going to list off right here on account of the fact that I don’t really wanna make you look bad in front of your friends and also on account of the fact that I don’t know you in real life which makes it really kinda difficult to get into specifics but if I had to speculate when I would probably say that you suck at crochet and also building a jet and you probably can’t fly a helicopter (yet) and you suck at traveling through time or putting on your pants two legs at a time but maybe we could hang out so that I could get a better sense of what you really suck at so that I could better criticize you in a meaningul way without random speculation because generalizations don’t hold up under the circumstance and all my credibility is on the line. So call me sometime. Yeah you totally suck.” “ ‘Kay, the way I see it though is I did exactly what you said and you’re just not happy 'cause…” “No, ___, I’m actually consciously trying not to yell at you right now, okay?” “See that? Sands of Solomon; what I asked for. What’d you give me? October Harvest or some shit; too much cream, it tastes like PISS, but I’m gonna drink it ANYWAY.” “Oh, shut UP, ___, do you want to get your credit or– oH hey!” “I think this is basically how the wheel was discovered.” “That’s obviously too much but I’m going with it.” “Oh yeah, I learned something. Apparently you’re not supposed to do this with the knife… Don’t do that.” “You know how I feel about homogeny. Make it homogenious.” “That’s too much of that.” “I keep my salt in this open bag.” “I’m just gonna hit 'em with a ratchet, 'cause I don’t own a hammer.” “Ugh. Where are you peppercorns? Son of a bitch. C'mooon.” “… Shit is that it…? … You can put on a little hot sauce if you want.” “This is basically like that sandwich I made before, fuck…” “If you encounter a friend who doesn’t like this, it is valid grounds for submitting your friendship resignation papers.” “Hopefully you won’t have to use it.”

Episode 7 “You’re good at cooking and you’re totally cool.” “If you fuck with his recipe he will show up at your house and he will scream at you at the top of his lungs. So you’ve been warned.” “It’s all about cooking the ever living fuck out of everything.” “Speaking of the f-word, I got a voice message from my dad the other day.” “I think you need to become more creative in terms of your salty langauge.” “Jesus dad, won’t don’t you stop bustin’ my fuckin’ balls on the internet.” “Just remember ___, you’re the person who once said ’__, could you check in The Google’.” “If you ask me, this is a bunch of flapdoodle.” “Bajabbers, these onions look like they’re coming along nicely.” “That sizzle tells you it’s cooking.” “Aaagh, now I’ve gone now and friggin’ burnt this.” “I’ve had enough of this teradiddle.” “Don’t waste your time chopping. Buy this shit.” “After the beans get all nice and toasty, add a healthy amount of your favorite hot sauce and some water to make it all soupy.” “Golly-gee, I’m not sure if that constitues 'soupy’.” “__ didn’t specify the cube size so I went with, uh, some two millimeter cheese cubes. And uh, some five millimeter cheese cubes as well. And I threw in some seventeen millimeter cheese cubes, and uh, then I also uh, threw in some uh, thirty-eight millimeter cheese cubes. So hopefully we’ve covered the bases here.” “It’s a bunch of codswaller.” “Cumen makes everything so awesome.” “To be honest, it is complete like this. You don’t need to be all fancy and shove this in an oven and pretend your Martha Stewart.” “WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING? DO NOT. FUCK. WITH MY. RECIPE.” “DO NOT FUCK WITH MY BEAN DIP.”

Episode 8 “We got shorts, shirt, socks, thong.” “Not that type of dressing.” “I can hear you.” “THAT’S A REALLY GREAT IDEA.” “Look, there’s no need to yell.” “This looks more like a dip to me than a salad.” “You can eat it off a plate, or out a bowl; you can eat it off an onion, or off of a lime; you can eat it from a sharp can.” “Okay, don’t do that that’s dangerous you could cut yourself.” “You’re a big baby.” “I’m not a baby, it’s just a safety thing.” “You can eat it from a mug, you can eat it off a piece of wood, eat it off a skateboard, or if you’re feeling crazy you can eat it off a rice cake.”

Episode 9 “This next technique was the main way people chopped things before the 40’s when knives were invented, and what you wanna do is just firmly throw it against the wall.” “The next technique you’ll only be able to do if you have a yellow-belt in taekwondo like me.” “Look at that. That is a nice, clean hit right there.” “Don’t be STUPID like me.” “This one should be easy for you if you have a break-dancing background, it’s definitely advanced, sometimes takes a few tries.” “This one is my favorite because it relies on the power of sound.” “What you wanna do is wind up and give your onion a good spin, aaaaand… All that happens is you’re gonna end up making your onion dizzy and you should probably have more respect for your onion than that, considering what you’re about to put it through.”

Episode 1 “You suck at cooking, yeah you totally suck.” “They come in a jar. They taste fucking delicious.” “Salt and pepper. That’s it. Nothing else. No garlic, no bullshit.” “Choppity fuckin’ chop.” “Throw this shit in the bowl.” “Take three of these mother fuckers.” “Slice. Slice. Slice.” “Chopping was invented in the 40′s. Before that people just smashed shit against the wall.” “Wash your fuckin’ hands, God, don’t be gross.” “Then they’re hard to get off- you have to bang them… ‘gainst something… Fuck.” “Don’t… Cut your fuckin’ fingers.” “Scoop this shit out.” “This is science here.” “If you don’t like avocado you’re a fuckin’ tool.” “Don’t fuckin’ hide… From me.” “Take your lime… Put in three of these. Why? Math, that’s why.” “Fuckin’… Here, lemme show you some math, kay?” “You got one avocado… Put one and one– doesn’t matter.” “You should probably practice your grip strength at the gym.” “I have a bag of salt here.” “I just kind of visualize how many sprinkles I want per cubic centimeter type deal.” “Pepper, pepper, pepper.” “If you don’t like pepper you’re a fuckin’ tool.” “You can mash it a bit, but you want it to be a little chunky.” “Now, I swear to fuckin’ God, you bring this to a party this holiday season, or any other time of the season, or any other season, or any other fuckin’ planet, people’s crotches will explode it’s so good.” *takes a bite* “Oh my GOOOODDDDDDDDDD.” “You suck at cooking you should probably give up.” “You suck at cooking, oh my God.”

Episode 2 “You suck at cooking and you suck at life.” “Take a can of tuna; use magic to open it.” “Don’t… Worry about what’s on my arm, I just got a girl’s number last night… Better scratch that off…” “Tuna goes in the bowl. Fork goes in the tuna. Bowl goes on the table.” “Surprise, put this shit in the bowl.” “Here’s a real surprise: cranberries.” “The cool thing about cranberries, and a knife like this… If you chop at a certain angle…” *thump* “Gives it a good base sound.” *thump* *to a rap beat* “Don’t chop, too hard, or you’ll knife’ll lose-it’s-edge.” “Anyway that just… Wastes time now, so uh…” “Guess what. Surprise, this shit goes in the bowl too.” “It’s important not to forget to take a piece of the tuna and give it to your cat.” “Alright, we’re almost there, guys.” “Take some olive oil- this is special olive oil from Italy, you don’t need it, just get some shitty olive oil.” “Okay, so… Seems like it’s done.” “Put it on some fuckin’ bread, put it in your fuckin’ mouth, put it on a salad, put it wherever you want. Just eat it, it’s good. It’s really good like that.” “You suck at a lot of things, but you suck at cooking the most.”

Episode 3 “I was talking to __ this morning and uh… __ Died… I wanna say… Nineteen years ago now?” “You suck at cooking and you suck at not dying.” “I learned this from my friend __, before he had a baby and ruined our friendship.” “Looks like a friggin’ crime scene.” “Looks like these kidney beans are gonna DIE.” “Get all the bullshit out.” “The amount of flavor that comes out of these little mother fuckers is…” “Woah… Looks like a potato bud, doesn’t it? Gross…” “C'mon guys, focus here.” *drops hot toast* “OW- fuck that hurts!” *picks it back up* OW-fuck… *drops it again* “And you can just… Get it on really easily, if you just use the power of temperature.” “You wanna clean that off after… Like that… Don’t be a dick.” “Hey, who doesn’t want a little more butter?” “This could… look like shit to you, but honest to God, this is so fucking delicious.” “You suck at cooking and you’re never coming back.”

Episode 4 “Delicious bread.” “We’re going to use coconut oil on the bread instead of butter, because it’s delicious and awesome and it tastes good.” “Use your magnetisphereiscope to open the jar.” “Good job everybody.” “Time to go old school, bitches.” “If anyone judges you, tell them to go fuck themselves.” “We are aiming for homogeny here. Homogeny is a beautiful thing.” “If only I had the capacity to understand what beauty is.” “Now that’s looking great.” “Ah fuck- that’s the wrong side.” “Cocksucker!” “Alright we’re ready to cook.” “Ah fuck, I forgot the pesto.” “Spread that shit around real good.” “That crispy sound means that there is a kinetic energy increase to the molecules of the bread and a chemical reaction starts to take place that results in the bread tasting delicious.” “If you want to be a really fancy mother fucker put some more cheese on top, which will cook in, creating a layer of crispy, cheesy deliciousness.” “Sometimes you want to go on a lower temperature… Actually that temperature is just fine.” “Take a little peek… Jesus Christ that looks good.” “I wish I had a mouth.” “I think it’s time to flip this bitch over.” “Oh shit. We’re all gonna die.” “Ouch, my hands. Ouch, that hurts.” “Let’s get this bastard out.” “Now you want to turn off… Actually just leave the stove on until the next time you cook.” “Man, I really wish I could taste this. This is actually very frustrating for me.”