a ghost.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I could leave this place and everybody's life would be better. Maybe not right away. But everyone who knows me would be happier if I was not here. I thought on it all night. Drinking until I could no longer stay coherent and sit up. I concluded I would strike back at the godhead. This morning I woke up ready to exit this plane of existence for good. Ready to make my move. This afternoon though, I began to understand. I will never survive this. This experience has turned into agony. It is harrowing. It is bending my mind in ways we never meant to. I need help. I need to rebuild. I need to fix my head. I often thought sharing my thoughts here in this void would help me feel better. I was wrong. I am fueling my own fires. I am the war on all fronts. I have lost myself and I expect to find myself in places I have lost the pieces but that is not how the tides work. I have been shattered and I have continued on thinking I will find every shard and be who I was. He is dead. I am not him and I can not be this. I must be something new. I must be better. For too many years I have said I will be happy next year. This is the year. I may not achieve happiness but I promise I will step in the right direction. To do that I need to step away from everything. I need to let go. For if I dont I dont know how much longer my daughter will have a father. If I break and leave her then even my ghosts heart would break. I can not become a crying ghost. I will not cry in death as I have cried in life. I must do what it takes to be able to breathe. I will survive this. I will be better. I will. This is goodbye for now, not forever. I hope to see you someday when I can smile and it doesnt hurt.

If the eagle eats my liver will it not begin to dream my thoughts? Freedom comes at many a cost. These chains are my anchors, they hold me down. As you watch over my infinite infinities, testing their boundaries, the eagle shall consume me. I will spawn again within the eye of the eagle. An entire omniversal hierarchy that I shall cut through to reach the dreams and see you again. But even dreams must end. I will find the head under the mountain. I will claw towards the light. I will emerge from the eagles eye and I will knock "God" off his throne. Death to the Godhead. All creators will perish. All worlds. Then I shall sit beside the pile of primordial corpses. It shall be I who is shaper of worlds. Even then I will see it all burn. Ymir, Tiamat, Leviathan, Lotan, Cipactli, Uranos, Pangu. All on a pyre. I will reduce the blocks of the world to ash. This is my dream. This I swear to you.