So where am I now? My days aren’t filled with sadness anymore, but the feeling is extremely familiar. It’s like, I’m no longer consumed by it, but it’s still something that is very close by. It almost feels like the sadness is right by my side, I’m just choosing to ignore it because there are so many other things, better things, to pay attention to now. I have had time to kind of digest the break up and look at it from a logical perspective. It’s hard to deal with anything when your feelings are involved. I understand why I was so sad, and I understand why I am no longer sad. I really fell in love. Head over heels fucking in love. I submerged myself into another person to the point where I didn’t care about myself as long as he was with me. I really really really fell in love but no matter how hard we tried, it didn’t work. Now that i’m looking at our relationship from the outside, it makes perfect sense why it didn’t work out. It gives me peace knowing that I tried my best, that I gave my 200%. Through the break up, I learned my worth. I learned what it meant to put my happiness first. It was almost as if I didn’t care to be happy, as long as he was happy. But the thing I didn’t know at the time was that I was the reason why he was unhappy. Letting him go was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. But I did it. You know, there’s a lot of things I had to do this year that were hard. But I fucking did it. 2018 really beat me up. It really did. I feel burnt out and tired. I feel a bit under appreciated. I feel like I accomplished a lot but I don’t really feel accomplished. Not right now at least. I do feel like I gave everything I had. These really are the days that I was looking forward to. Time just flies by when you’re busy, you forget to experience it. I think my new years resolution for 2019 will be to write more. It’s been 7 months since the break up. I didn’t even think I would be alive by now. It really felt like the sadness was going to kill me. It’s insane how strong feelings can get and how much they can affect you. It’s kind of scary how something that you can’t even see or touch can control your mind and your actions. But I am no longer sad, and just because of that, I feel better. Just knowing that I got through the past 7 months makes me feel better. I know I’m strong and I know i’m capable. I’m ready to give myself a break. Mentally exhausted. Financially exhausted. Emotionally very exhausted. Always physically exhausted. 2018 was hard. But I made it.
