Kallee

Today was very uneventful. I had class earlier today, and it’s near the end the semester so nothing groundbreaking is happening. After class I went to Target and got some things, then I cleaned out my car (which was much needed). 

I’ve somewhat depressed lately. I’m always depressed but more than normal I guess. I’m just struggling with myself and overthinking again. I’ve always felt like I'm annoying. With everyone. I speak before I think a lot and I’m very loud and opinionated. I feel like I’m annoying my friend group. We have this on going group chat and it always happens to where I feel like I reply too fast to things, say dumb things, or I’m just annoying in general. I’m always the last to reply to things because some part of me thinks it’s necessary for me to have the last word. Not in a catty or snobby way, I just always want to keep the convo going I guess. 

I wish I wasn’t so lame to where I instantly reply to everything. I wish I was someone who did things except play around on my phone all day waiting for someone to talk to me, which is what I do for the most part. I see on Snapchat and Instagram all of these people going out and having lived besides staying at home and I wish I was that person. But I’m not. I’m a hermit. I prefer it this way so I can’t really complain but I also wish I wasn’t the way I am. I wish I had hobbies or outside groups or literally ANYTHING. My anxiety gets in the way of a lot of things. It’s times like this where I think the best thing to do is distance myself from people because I think I’m coming on too strong, and then people think I’m upset with them or just being a reclusive bitch, and it’s just a never-ending cycle of my overthinking fucking everything up. 

I wish I had some sort of niche in life, but I don’t. I just feel myself floating around waiting for something to happen to change my life for the better. But I live in the middle of nowhere, where nothing happens and most of the people are bland. I know there’s a quote about be the change you want to see in the world or something, but I have no motivation....no energy....nothing. 

I’ve been super busy the past few days. Not even good busy, just busy with things I shouldn’t be doing, like decorating for Christmas and eating out.

I’ve been especially moody lately. I find myself getting mad about the dumbest things. I’m trying to be nicer but it’s just so hard for me, which sounds really fucked up. Not even nice just more positive. I’d consider myself a pessimist or just a very realistic person. I’m super sarcastic and blunt. It get’s me into trouble alot. Lately i’ve been worse than usual at work. I’ve been having a lot of problems with this one girl in particular. I’m going to rant about it for a bit...

This girl started about a year ago, and she never really made a lasting impression on me. She was always just kind of there. This sounds messed up but she’s just way too peppy and ditzy, so it’s always bugged me. She’s a few years older than me but she acts super immature and childish, she talks like a kid and just does weird things that strike me as odd for her age. She clings onto people at work. The past few months she’s gotten under my skin, particularly because she’s been going after my friends. She’s very lazy, and she was an interim trainer at our job and let it go to her head. She was incorrectly training the new employees and telling them that they don’t have to do things correctly if they don’t want to. I don’t like lazy people, point blank. For some reason everything this girl does bugs the fuck out of me, and I tend to roll my eyes everytime I hear her voice. Idk, I’ve just noticed myself being more openly rude to her, which I don’t like to do. She just brings it out in me. I’m trying to control it but it just comes out.

I don’t want to be known as the rude person (even if it’s only to her). I just don’t know how to control my frustration or anger sometimes. I’m awful at controlling my tone when i’m annoyed. I’ve thought about self help books or something, because I refuse to go to the doctor and get my antidepressants back on track. It doesn’t make sense but I know I need to go, I just hate doctors and meeting new ones, mostly because the last adult doctor I had talked down to me the entire time.

All I’ve done today is sleep and work. I told myself I would get up early and clean. Maybe start my research paper, but of course I pressed snooze about 12 times. I got guilt tripped into closing, which wasn’t bad. I made more money but I also told myseld I’d go to the gym. Didn’t happen.

It’s been almost a year since I've last written one of these. I’m going to try my best to keep up with this, I need some sort of outlet.

 A lot has changed! I’m not really friends with any of the people I used to be friends with. I have a new friend group. There’s 5 of us, we all work and do everything together. It’s nice being apart of something like this. We hang out regularly and we have a lot of the same interests and personalities. We also know that we don’t need to hang out all the time, especially because we’re introverted-ish.

Though I have this friend group now, I still find myself severely depressed. It’s getting to the point where I want to see someone or get some antidepressants. I just hate doctors and also I’m terrible with routines, which would utterly fuck up my head. 

I think I'm depressed because I’m just unhappy with myself (duh). I have no motivation, nothing that I used to be passionate about is fun, I find myself complaining and being negative all the time, and I just hate myself. I hate the way I look, the way I act, the way I think, and literally everything else. It comes in waves though, some days it’s worse than others, and some days I forget that I feel this way. It always comes back though, like a dull hum that never seems to completely leave. It hits me most late at night. It hits me the worst when I see pictures of myself though. That happened last weekend. It was one of my close friends birthday parties and everyone wanted pictures. As usual, I tried to hide myself behind people, and I tried to act like it wasn’t awful and excruciating. Everyone sent pictures to each other and I got a few, and I instantly deleted them without searching myself out. I didn’t want to know what I looked like. And then I accidentally saw one, and it hit me in the stomach; I felt sick and anxious and got hot all over. I immediately tried to find my exit strategy. I wasn’t having fun anyways, and seeing how I looked was the nail in the coffin. I went home and just swallowed myself in anxiety. 

I don’t know how others perceive me. I want to better myself. I’m going to try to go to the gym and do skincare and just work on myself. I tell myself that at least. Then I get so depressed and tired that I forget... it’s a cycle. I don’t know how to break it. Even today I got some stuff from Victoria’s Secret. I couldn’t even look in the mirror at myself cause I know I would feel sick. I keep telling myself I’ll be able to wear it one day. I just feel bloated and gross. 

I don’t really know where to start.

I guess i’ll introduce myself. I’m KW. I’m 19 and live in a college town in Texas. Nothing exciting. I needed to find a way to deal with my depression and maybe vent about dumb shit that goes on. I used to  have a journal but I always forget to write in it and my hands get tired.

I work at a restaurant and go to school. I have 3 main friends (Mol, Kyla, and Gen), though we are friends, we never hangout. We have a group chat that we talk in consistently but we all kinda do our own thing. We found eachother sophomore year of highschool and we’ve been there ever since. Although I do consider them my bestfriends, I feel like I’m always the other option. If they had to pick someone to be there friend it would always be someone besides me. I know they’d do anything for me but there’s still that lack of connection I guess. It makes me feel lonely. So I just go to work and school. I’m heavy on the introvert aspect of the scale. I don’t know why.

I’ve never had a solid bestfriend. I’ve always gone through them, like a cycle. Not on purpose but we always just fell out at the end. It’s disappointing but I always get over it. It stings but it’s been so long and so constant that it’s kind of a numbing effect now. The most recent one was one I met my senior year of highschool. I thought we were always going to be friends. We had sooo much in common and we got that we both couldn’t deal with high exposure of people for along time, idk it just flowed. We went on a trip to France together, I helped her pay for it as  a gift. We went and saw my favorite band, met them. We would go on random trips to drive-ins or movies or just wherever we wanted to go honestly. It was great for a while. We kind of fell out slowly. What triggered it was a fight we had in France. I held against her that I paid for her trip because I was sick and tired of her picking on me. Idk how to explain it but she was doing it because she thought it was cute? Or maybe trying to impress people? I have this thing about people ganging up on me. It makes me go off. I implode slowly, then all at once when it happens.

The last big thing that happened was when her crazy mom found out she has a boyfriend and she wanted to leave her house. I told her she could move in or stay with me. We made plans for me to come get her from her house and then when I texted her that I was there, her mom came out instead and told me I needed to leave and that she wasn’t coming with me. Her mom told me she tried killing herself or something and that she needed help and all these crazy lies. I freaked out trying to get ahold of her and then with her not messaging me back I went up to her work trying to see if she had been there or if anyone had talked to her. Apparently she had been to work and she had been able to text her boyfriend, but not her bestfriend who was crying and scared because she tried to rescue her from her house without success. She messaged me later nonchalantly saying that she was fine and it felt like she didn’t know what I was that worried

Anyways, that’s what started to sink the ship. Then it became “I’m too busy” or “I’ve already got plans”. Then she got  a boyfriend, which I was happy about at first, until the new boyfriend also became new friends. Then it was her going to the big University in our town (I go to a community college atm) and then it became unread messages and canceled plans.

That sounds dramatic and stuff but it hurt like a fucking bitch. And I couldn’t do anything. I was silently watching her and I snapped and I deleted her off all social media platforms and tried to push her out of my life.

What sparked this for me today was while I was at Barnes and Nobles earlier, looking for something to read, I heard the unique sound of her voice and her laugh come up behind me. The hairs on the back of my neck stood up and my stomach dropped. I saw her with her coworkers of friends or whatever. And I did everything not to make eye contact but somehow it happened and she looked at me in a way I can’t explain. It made me feel like she saw a hurt puppy or something. I felt so small.

“Hey KW”

I said hey back and we made small talk. The worst kind of small talk. We both didn’t know what to say to eachother. Her friends were looking interested at who I was, not in a good way though. The whole 40 second conversation we had was just awkward. She acted like we at one point weren’t best friends. Like we never comforted eachother or were on the fucking Eiffel Tower together. She looked at me like I was just someone she knew from highschool and it hurt so fucking bad. I kept walking around B&N and she was there with her friends, standing 4 fucking feet from me pretending I was just a stranger.

I always secretly hoped that she would want to start over but I think deep down I knew that nothing would ever be the same. My body just aches right now. I told the GC what happened but none of them really seemed to care except Mol, who did seem a bit concerned.