Cyberphuck

Hey all the cost of living is making it really difficult to live on planet earth so this is my new pinned post check out my finished art @suicide-sauce check out my Patreon where if you become a free member you can see WIPs and NSFWs including the upcoming Mothmage Prologue and if you're a paid member I'll even let you do butt stuff @ patreon.com/suicidesauce

I would like to post something here about my feelings but feel guilty and attention-seeking no matter what I try to say. I feel like telling people, when I know they don’t have the ability to help me, just upsets them for no reason and makes it seem like I want people to feel sorry for me.

I have a lot of bad days. Jaydee is sad, fork found in kitchen. Jaydee feels hopeless, ocean is wet. Jaydee’s in pain, must be day ending in Y. There are too many bad days. I’m always asking for something. I’m always crying about something.

And today, when I tried to let someone close to me know that I wasn’t safe, that I’d made plans to hurt myself, I got a rushed “okay bye” and then, absurdly, “I’ve been hurting since I woke up a little while ago.”

I want to tell people not to promise that they’ll be there to help me, but they insist that this time will be different. They don’t mind wasting their time and effort. They don’t mind the grueling daily task of being kind to someone who will never be well again. They won’t mind the half-fear, half-hope that they’ll finally find me dead and they won’t mind the resentment of discovering that no, I’m still here, still sick.

(People LOVE to argue with me on this. They don’t believe me when I tell them it’s this bad every day. They don’t like hearing that I won’t get better, that there’s nothing left for me to do. They hate not being able to find some flaw in my logic, some chink in the armor. For my own part I hate having to lay it out for them; there’s no point in us both feeling sad. I pretend their earnest advice about journaling or making vent art saved the day. I’m sorry I handed you a game controller that wasn’t plugged in, I didn’t want you to get upset that you couldn’t help.)