rei-holic

my movie recommendation/review:

never goin’ back (2018)

if you’re looking for that tumblr-era, teenage girl fantasy, liberated, effortlessly cool, beautiful in that messy way. broke but glowing, sharing a cramped apartment with your best friend, working minimum wage jobs to get by, dancing the nights away like the world isn't burning,,, this is it ! this film captures that exact feeling. the freedom, recklessness, and warmth of having someone who just gets you.

i found it unexpectedly funny too, especially after the halfway point. the kind of humor that feels real. the kind of laughs that come from shared moments. and as someone who’s never had that kind of life,,, i’ve always been stuck in classrooms, in an environment that worships academic status ,, it felt like a window into another timeline i never got to live. i’m grateful for the education i have, of course. i know that’s a privilege. but watching this movie made me ache for that kind of freedom. even just for a weekend or a night.

what really hit me, was the friendship. that ride-or-die kind of love between girls, it was so pure and real. i never really had that growing up, not like that. but through this movie, i felt, saw it, and it was beautiful. even if the cinematography wasn't groundbreaking or experimental, the vibe was everything. it looks like a summer memory that won’t go away. the dialogue isn’t overly polished, but that’s why it works. it sounds like how people actually talk. how teenagers really sound in the middle of nowhere, chasing feelings instead of futures.

of course, there’s also the misogyny in the film,, the casual kind, the everyday kind, the kind we know too well. it’s ugly, it’s real. and watching it, you can’t look away. because this isn’t just a movie thing. it’s still happening and it makes me sick.but despite all that, the film doesn’t lose its softness. it stays warm, human, and funny. and maybe that’s why i loved it so much. because it didn’t try to be more than what it was. it just was honest, messy and glowing.

i love stories like this,, raw, chaotic, and full of youth. stories that feel like diary entries, or a polaroid taped to your wall. it had that dreamy american youth aesthetic, messy freedom, big feelings, no plans. i know i’m probably biased because i eat this aesthetic up, but this one really hit me.

it’s a comfort film. a stoner buddy movie. a little chaotic, sad. it made me feel so many things i didn’t know i missed.

if you need something fun, something that makes you feel alive and nostalgic all at once—watch this. it’s a little bit of magic in a world that feels too serious most days.

9/10

Neon Genesis Evangelion

I don’t know how it happened, but somehow, I ended up with 18 Evangelion figures. Yes, you read that right. 18. Thirteen of them are Ayanami Rei—don’t ask, I can’t explain why. It’s just one of those things you end up doing when you're way too connected to a story, I guess.

And let’s be real, Evangelion is a bit of a mess, but that’s what makes it so real. I can’t think of anything more raw and honest, especially when it comes to the whole teenage, "I don’t know what I’m doing" feeling. It nails those three states we all go through:

The withdrawal, feeling like you’re just shutting down, not even caring, but the sadness is still there.

The outburst, when everything just frustrates you, and you want to scream, because it feels like the world’s crashing down.

The dream, wishing things could be better, wishing for a world that actually makes sense.

It’s about fighting against everything and everyone, pushing through, but still feeling lost. The whole “self vs. world” thing. Evangelion makes you see that, like, personal power isn’t this grand thing. It’s messy and complicated, a little destructive, but still something you feel like you have to chase.

I think that's why I got hooked, honestly. The absurdity of wanting control, wanting to feel whole, when in reality, the world and the people around you just keep showing you how broken it all is. But it's like you need to see it, need to feel it, because somehow that’s what it means to be alive.

I’m not sure if I’ll stop buying figures anytime soon. But I do know this: there’s something painfully relatable in the story that just sticks. It’s about this weird balance of pushing for something and also realizing it’s all just one big, complicated mess, trying to find purpose in the void. It doesn’t solve anything, but it sure makes you think.

it aches how badly i want it, but the moment i try to move, i vanish again. like i never even tried.

i’m so tired. not in the sleepy way. just… tired in the soul. the kind that makes everything feel impossible.

and i wonder if it’s normal to be surrounded by duties and still feel like i have none.

school is there. life is there. but i feel so far from all of it.

like i’ve been watching myself from the outside for too long.

i keep thinking,,, if no one knew me, if i could just erase everything and begin with new eyes—

maybe then i’d have the strength, maybe then the shame wouldn’t wrap so tight.

i feel like i’m disappointing something i haven’t even begun, and that feeling follows me like fog.

there’s no energy, no will, just this hollow floating feeling, like i’m stuck inside a body that forgot how to try.

i don’t know if this is what it means to be lost, but if it is… then i guess i’ve been gone for a while now.

maybe someday i’ll return to myself. and maybe when i do,

i’ll finally begin