No longer a ghost

Mila listened to what he was saying, nodding on so he would know that she was paying attention to him as she rolled up the pasta around her fork and took her first bite. She smiled, devouring every delicious as her taste buds danced with joy from how delicious this pasta was. She had forgotten how much she loved his cooking. She liked hearing him talk about Steve. His childhood friend. She hadn’t had the pleasure of meeting him yet but Bucky was always talking so much about him now that it felt like she already knew him. She could tell how much his friendship meant to him and for once she didn’t see him struggling with his feelings. Not when it came to Steve. But that all shifted once they got to talking about how he was doing. She could tell all the testing and therapy was getting to him. In worse ways than good. And the way he described the nightmares seemed so realistic, it sent a shiver down her spine. “Oh no, no don’t be ridiculous. You’re not dumping all this on me. And it’s not the easiest things to hear but it’s not depressing. I’m happy you feel comfortable enough to let things out with me. It makes me happy that you do. But that’s good news right? You’ll still be watched over but at least no more stressful court meetings like those. I bet those were hard to get through. But they can’t touch you. You did nothing wrong because you couldn’t control what was going on inside your mind. That’s not your fault.” Finishing up the last bite of her pasta, she relaxed back against her seat and took a sip of her wine, loving the taste in her mouth. But somehow along the way of their dinner date, Mila’s mind flashed back to a specific moment that happened between them as she shifted her eyes over to the piano that was sitting a few feet away from where they were. An image of them sitting there together, enjoying the music he started to play while she sang right beside him, the joy and happiness on both their faces. How he would stop every now and then to sing with her and then kiss her softly in the lips, stopping her beautiful melody. The memory was stuck pretty in there, she tried getting it out but to no such luck. Her eyes slowly began blurring and getting wet which only meant one thing.” I-uh… fuck this is harder than i thought it was going to be.” She complained placing her elbows on the table to hide her face as she felt her strong walls break down and crumble as she tried wiping her face clear of any tears. No matter how strong she should’ve been…she never properly got the closure she needed before when he left and now? Why couldn’t this shit be simple? Why couldn’t she have a normal day where she wasn’t constantly remembering the good she lost…

“I suppose I’m just glad they were able to do it without me ever having to testify.  Steve said they brought in the chair... the... the one they would use to wipe my memory and there’s no telling how it would’ve gone if I would’ve had to be there.  So I’m just lucky the judge said I could go through the trial without having to actually go to the court sessions.  Makes things easier on me and everyone else, to be honest.”  He shrugged as he talked between bites, doing his best not to steer the conversation into too much of a depressing territory.  Things had been wild for him ever since his mind had been unlocked, but he was finally getting to a point where he thought he could have more good days than bad and had hope, knowing his mind would never be full healed from certain things, that things in his life would get easier.  He stopped speaking as he saw her sort of phase out and look towards the piano that sat in the corner.  He wondered what she was thinking, what memory was coming to her, and once again felt bad that he couldn’t remember a lot of their time together.  He remembered bits and pieces and the feelings, those were strong, but when it came to a large percentage of the specifics he had no recollection and he felt bad for her, because here she had chose to stick around, while it was painful for him it had to be more painful for her.  He was a constant reminder of what she’d lost and there was nothing he could do to change or fix that.  They could be something now, friends, more, but he would always be that giant obstacle in the road of her mind, reminding her that she had lost something great and would never have the chance to get it back.  He was brought back when he heard her sniffling and realized she was crying, watching as she wiped tears from her face, and he felt bad for her, and like it was all his fault, even though he knew she would tell him that it wasn’t.  “I’m sorry... look I know this isn’t easy for you, in fact it’s probably harder for you than it is for me, at least this part.  I’ll understand if you never want to see me again after tonight or even talk to me.  I know I’m just a reminder of the person you lost, and I know it hurts you that I can’t remember a lot of the stuff that was important for you and, and Cris,”  He scooted his chair back and easily picked it up, setting it next to hers and placing his flesh hand on hers squeezing it lightly before pulling back.  “I feel selfish continuing to ask you to be a part of my life when I know how much it hurts you, and I know, you’ll say I’m not and you stick around because you want to.  That doesn’t mean what you’re feeling isn’t important and you’re allowed to tell me, it’s not going to fuck me up anymore than I already am.  In fact I think I’d feel better if you were even a little mad at me for all of this, whether it’s my fault or not I know you can’t very well be extremely happy about it.”

“Cheesecake with blueberry sauce?” Mila felt her stomach explode with a million butterflies as she saw the dessert sitting on the kitchen counter. It had been one of the many desserts he had made for her during their time together and it was always her favorite of his. “I can’t believe you remembered…” She whispered but hopefully it was more to herself and he didn’t hear it. In her heart, she was touched that he had remembered something that meant so much to her in their relationship but perhaps he didn’t see it that way. Perhaps he jsut had the memory of making it stuck in his mind and he wanted to make it. She had got to stop comparing everything he did to what they used to have. This would never work if she continued to do so. “So, anyways uhm, thank you for you know offering to cook me dinner and everything. I know you used-you’re probably used to cooking for yourself so this might be a little strange huh?” She laughed nervously trying to cover up a mess up that she was sure would happen quite often tonight. “Let me just put the dessert in the fridge. Um, do you need any help finishing up or setting the table?” She asked after placing the dessert in a good spot in his fridge and turning around to walk towards the stove where many pots were sitting there steaming hot. “Everything smells delicious. Is that pasta?” Her stomach rumbled in hunger and she placed a hand on it to stop it from making too many embarrassing noises. “Oh i cannot wait to dig into this.” She smiled and grabbed a plate for her and him but was stopped and whisked over to the dinner table where a nice candle sat in between them and the bottle of ROse was already opened and poured into their glasses along with a glass of water. “Oh i didn’t even realize you opened it.” She let him sit her down as he busied himself in fixing them both a plate. “How uh, so how have you been?”

The way her eyes lit up at the dessert made him think he did something right, but he was disappointed in himself that he couldn’t remember why she would be excited about it.  He didn’t want to say anything and make her upset so he kept it to himself, instead smiling as he moved to seat her at the table and began to dole out the pasta.  “Actually I’m not used to cooking at all.  If I’m honest I have a hard time recognizing when my body is actually hungry because of the soldier conditioning.  He was trained not to need much sleep or eat, so a lot of the time now, Steve comes over when he can and makes me eat.  He says we have to eat a lot to maintain the metabolism the super soldier serum gives us so, he’s like a clock reminding me to eat, in those times when I don’t remember to eat or just don’t feel like it.”  Bucky shrugged and put the pasta dish onto her plate, added some salad and a piece of the garlic bread he’d made.  “This is, a dinner my ma, used to make when we had the money to buy the ingredients.  We weren’t poor, not like Stevie was, but we weren’t rich either.  So when we got to eat like this it was, special.  I’d invite Steve and he’d try to eat so much he’d make himself sick.”  Bucky chuckled softly as he made a plate for himself and set it in front of his place, trudging off to get the silverware he’d just realizing he’d forgotten.  Offering her the fork and knife with a smile he sat down at his own place, waiting for her to start before digging in himself.  “I’ve been... better.  Therapy is helping the three side of myself settle into each other and make it just me, but it’s still hard some days.  There are days when I wake up and have no idea who or where I am, but there’s been less of those.  I’ve just been keeping to myself trying to figure a way to keep this anger from making me hurt anyone.  I feel it bubbling up inside and I realize why... why people think I and the soldier are monsters.  The nightmares of the things he did and the punishments he went through if... if he didn’t do what they wanted, how they wanted don’t help but I try not to dwell on it if I can. Oh, sorry” he said realizing what he was talking about was probably depressing.  “I didn’t mean to dump all of that on you, uhm anyway, I guess on a lighter note the trial should be coming to an end soon.  Steve said they’ll probably just make it so that I’m still under government watch for a while, but that I won’t be found guilty and I’ll be found innocent via non compos mentis, because I was brainwashed the whole time.”

Mila didn’t bother responding as her eyes traveled up to the apartment building that held so manydifferent memories for her. She didn’t mean to lie about being late or the reason why she was late. She had made it in time but she couldn’t find it in herself to get out of the car just yet. Strange feelings of the past suddenly flooded her mind and she tried getting them out, not wanting them while she was in there but she didn’t think it would be possible.She shared so many things in this place with Cris or well Bucky but he wasn’t Bucky at the time. He was Cris. But was still the same person but didn’t exactly remember everything that they went through. That was probably the hardest thing for her to get through altogether since getting him back. The adjustment of having him but having to start over in a sense…except her love for him never went away. “Come on Mila, pull it together. Just do it. You can do this. It’s all gonna be okay.” She talked herself a good pep talk before grabbing the bottle of Rose she bought along with the dessert she promised and opened the door to get out. She locked it behind her as she was buzzed into the apartment building and walked up to the third floor. His floor. Walking into the hallway, a memory of the drunken fool that had tried to take advantage of her popped in her mind. Cris was there beating the guy up to a pulp so vividly in front of her like a movie. She shut her eyes, blinking a couple of times and the image went away. She walked the rest of the way to his door and knocked and waited. A smile appeared to replace her frown as he opened the door and she was let in. “Hey, it’s good to see you.” An awkward silence appeared as she didn’t know how to greet him and opted to just hand over the dessert and wine. “Apple Pie and Rose. Wonderful combination. I hope you have ice cream!” 

Bucky had no idea what he was doing if he were to be completely honest.  He had been keeping to himself for a while, trying to figure out how to best deal with the overwhelming anger and resentment the soldier part of him had seemed to be holding inside.  For someone who was built not to feel anything the guy had sure kept a lot bottled in and unbridled rage seemed to be at the forefront.  It seemed best for everyone if he stayed in the apartment and didn’t go out, keeping innocent people out of harms way and not letting people find a way to paint him as the monster a good portion of the population thought he was.  He had been feeling better lately and had remembered what that newspaper, magazine, tabloid whatever had said about Mila and while she had told him he didn’t need to apologize he felt like he had to make it up to her somehow.  Not to mention the feelings that seemed to be rumbling around inside of him made him feel like even despite those things he wanted to see her just because he did.  She seemed to be the only person, besides maybe one or two others, from his fake life that actually cared enough to worry about him or even bothered to just want to see how he was doing.  When he’d asked her to dinner he’d had no idea what would come of it and then when she had accidentally called it a date, he found that maybe calling it that wouldn’t be so bad, and that wasn’t the residual feelings from ‘Cris’ talking this time either.  Sighing he looked at the spread he’d made.  A pasta dish that he had managed to remember all the ingredients of and a very prominent dessert dish that he seemed to not be able to get out of his mind, cheesecake with a blueberry sauce on top.  When he heard her knock on the door he sighed, running his flesh fingers through his long her, trying to make himself look halfway presentable even in one of the nicer shirts the girl on the other side of the door had helped him pick out.  When he opened the door her smile made his lips upturn slightly.  “It’s... nice to see you too, uhm thanks.  I know you said you were bringing dessert but I made one there was just a recipe stuck in my head that I couldn’t shake.  So, I hope that’s okay too,” He replied as he closed the door behind her and led her into the kitchen where he’d set dinner out on the table.

Text- @cvllmebucky : Hey, i’m sorry I’m already late! They made us be present in a meeting and I just got out of it. I’ll be there in ten! 

[text: mila] it’s okay I was just finishing up things anyway.  You’re fine.