CurvyWordy

Following on from my previous post, please know that you are not alone 💗

The festive season can be tough for many of us, so please reach out if you need to. The organisations listed in this infographic by @bigfashionista and @lottielamour are here to listen to you and support you.

If you'd rather not speak out loud, use the hashtag #joinin on Twitter.

I always find it hard at this time of year.

The shorter days, the longer nights of seemingly never-ending darkness.

The lack of bright sunlight and the presence of ever-enduring rain clouds.

The weather seems to mirror my spirit.

I feel black.

I try to smile and laugh but it feels so false.

Like this picture.

'You look so happy here.'

Appearances can be misleading.

Just because someone 'looks ok', it doesn't mean they are.

So many of us hide our true emotions as we feel obliged to 'put on a brave face.'

Remember, you don't owe it to anyone to smile if you don't want to.

You do not have to pretend you're happy if you're feeling sad.

It's ok not to be ok.

I cried at work today. Yes, I'm 42 next month and someone made me cry.

I was diagnosed with Meniere's Disease over 15 years ago. It's a horrid vestibular disorder that leaves me feeling giddy all the time and has damaged my hearing so badly that I can barely hear in my right ear. I don't often tell people about it and I make every effort to hide the symptoms and not let anyone see that there is anything wrong with me. The truth is, I'm always fighting the giddy feeling, trying not to fall or slump over, keeping myself as still as possible, readjusting my eyes to maintain my balance, trying desperately to ignore the deafening tinnitus in my ears, pretending I can hear a conversation when I actually I can't, trying to lip read so I don't have to ask you to repeat what you've just said at least three times, feeling horribly nauseated because of the constant giddiness, making every effort to ignore the 'full' feeling in my ears, and trying not to let the slightest thing cause me a sensory overload. It's exhausting.

Whilst I have been doing the training for my new job over the past fortnight I've had to tell my colleagues and the trainers that I'm deaf in one ear and need to sit near the presenter so I can hear them. I also need to sit somewhere that I don't have to constantly turn my head as that will make me poorly very quickly. On occasion I've had to ask colleagues to swap places with me - something I HATE doing as I never want anyone to be inconvenienced by me - but they've all done it without question.

Until today.

I arrived at work to find a colleague sitting in my preferred seat, with no other suitable places available. I approached him and - full of apologies - quietly asked him to let me sit there. He flatly refused. He said he needed to be able to hear the presenters too. I apologised and asked again. He continued to refuse. Another kind person moved further down the table and I asked this man if he'd mind moving along and yet again he said no. In desperation I begged him, and in the end he shifted, complaining vigorously.

I was so distressed by the situation that I hid in the loo and had a cry. I was mortified that everyone had witnessed the exchange, and that I'd been forced to beg for my seat. My pride was bruised, but more than that, I felt ashamed and intimidated. I was shaking like a leaf.

I tried to regain my composure, and duly returned to the office. One of my female colleagues must've noticed my distress as she quickly suggested we should go for a cuppa, but I wanted to carry on as if nothing had happened, so I stayed put, busying myself with getting my computer switched on and logged in.

After a few minutes I went to the kitchen for a drink, and my lovely colleague followed me. I ended up bursting into tears as we spoke about what happened. She had seen the whole thing and could understand my upset. She gave me a hug and helped me feel a bit better.

Today was my penultimate day of training for my new job. It seems strange to think I've been here for almost two weeks - in some ways it feels far longer and in others it's as if I just arrived yesterday.

I'll go home on Saturday and then I will work from home, unless I need to go into the office for meetings or further training.

I have loved my time in the office, learning about the job and getting to know some of my lovely colleagues. I've been fortunate enough to be trained and coached by some truly awesome people, who have helped me start my new job with real confidence.

I mentioned it before but if you're looking for an enjoyable job working either from the offices in London or Cardiff or remotely (from home) in the UK, this could be the one for you. It's completely above board and no selling involved at all - just customer services. DM me if you'd like to hear more!

#ootd #psootd

Vest top: Tu Clothing

Shrug: Pink Clove UK

Culottes: Fashionworlduk

Tights: The Big Tights Company

Anyone else spend the whole day sweltering? It was much milder than I expected today and to make matters worse it was SO hot and stuffy in the office. I'm really looking forward to being in charge of the heating and ventilation in my own home again soon! If it was up to me I'd have all my hotel room's windows wide open to let in the fresh air, but sadly they're permanently locked. Moments after I took this picture I stripped all my clothes off as I was melting 😓

First #ootd #psootd picture in my new room!

Thanks for your lovely words of support re my mini hotel drama yesterday. My new room isn't perfect but I think it'll see me through until I go home on Saturday.

It's lovely staying in a hotel but I'm looking forward to home cooked food and not having to untuck the duvet from the end of the bed each night (why do they do this in hotels?!?! It drives me bonkers!!!). It will also be nice not to sit in a room full of strangers at breakfast every day.

What do you dislike most about staying in a hotel?

Top: George At Asda

Shrug: Hot Hanger

Culottes: George at Asda dyed with DYLON Fabric Dye

Tights: Snag Tights

When I took this picture yesterday I had no idea that it would be my last #ootd #psootd picture in this particular room.

I was woken at 4am today by the aircon making a racket, which has been a common occurrence during my stay here. I then struggled to get back to sleep, and was woken just after 5am by the air quality alarm going off. The receptionist was less than sympathetic & didn't apologise initially. He eventually turned off the alarm, which meant turning off the electrics in my room. He didn't warn me about this & returned to reception without a word, despite having just plunged my room into darkness. When I rang reception again to ask what had happened he raised his voice at me because apparently there was a lot of noise going on near him. I'm not sure how that was my fault.

Eventually he gave me the key to another room with the intention that I could have a shower with the lights on (as opposed to in the pitch black of my room), but it turned out the power was off in that room as well. So I convinced him to turn the electric back on in my room & let me get showered & dressed in the hope the alarm wouldn't come back on. It did whilst I was in the shower, and another member of staff later came & reset it again.

I was advised that I'd need to change rooms, which I wasn't at all keen on as I was settled in my current room, despite its noisy aircon. But it turned out the air quality alarm needed replacing & was likely to continue going off at random moments until then (the new alarm wouldn't be delivered for at least a week) so I had no option but to move. I was told it would all be sorted out for me & a quiet room would be set aside for me to move into this evening.

So after a busy day at work, I returned to the hotel & was shown to my new room. It was not in a quiet location. I asked if they could give me something more suitable & after a bit of waiting I got given an upgrade. My room is bigger & brighter, but I'm not yet sure if it's quieter. Time will tell.

The whole situation was pretty stressful & I'm shattered from lack of sleep & having to relocate, but I hope I can now stay put for the rest of my training.

Have you ever had any hotel dramas?

Top: Primark

Trousers: George at Asda dyed with Dylon Machine Dye

Sometimes I feel like my life is made up of nothing but curves, both literally and figuratively.

I have never felt settled, although I have sometimes stayed in places (personally, job-wise, and employment-wise) for a long time.

I definitely haven't taken the most direct path to get to where I am now, but I have learnt many valuable lessons along the way.

When I was young I assumed all adults had life worked out and that everyone knew what they were doing all the time. They don't.

So follow your path, whether it be straight, curvy, or back to front, and learn from all those pit stops, bumps, giant leaps and stumbles along the way.

#Repost @chibirdart on Instagram

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Life isn’t about getting there the fastest. Life is full of beautiful and messy stops, bumps, and detours, and that’s part of what makes it interesting. 🐌✨

Today's #ootd #psootd. After a busy first week in my new job I was VERY ready for the weekend. I didn't sleep all that well last night so I'm hoping to do better tonight. I was thinking of exploring Cardiff a bit today but I popped out for lunch earlier and nearly got trampled in the stampede of rugby fans (there's a game on here today) and shoppers, so I ditched that idea 🙈 Maybe tomorrow...

Top: Primark

Trousers: George at Asda dyed with Dylon Machine Dye

Thank you all for your kind words of support for my first day in my new job. It was great! I'm shattered but very happy. The company I'm working for is even more wonderful than I first thought and I'm so proud to be one of the team. If you're looking for a job where you can work from home or in the office in Cardiff or London please DM me and I'll gladly tell you more 😊

Here's my outfit from today - items are listed below. I'll try to post an outfit snap each day as I brought enough clothes with me to wear something different each day 🙈😂💁🏼‍♀️

#ootd #psootd #newjob #newstart #newbeginning #hopeful #happy

Top: BiuBiu

Shrug: Pink Clove UK

Culottes: Fashionworlduk http://tidd.ly/842b0c92 (affiliate link)

Tights: We Are Colors

Hi everyone! It's been a while since you've seen my face on here; apologies.

Life has been BUSY!

I've moved from Yorkshire back to Kent. The move went well but it was sudden, hectic and stressful. I'm currently staying with family whilst I look for somewhere more permanent to live.

Today I drove to Cardiff in Wales. I'm starting a new job tomorrow - exciting stuff! I'll be staying here in a hotel for two weeks whilst I train and then after that I'll be working from home doing online customer services. It's pretty much a dream come true - I've always wanted a job that I can do from home as my chronic medical conditions can sometimes make it difficult for me to go out to work, so this seems like it'll be perfect.

THIS.

"Pain is pain."

💗

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#Repost @daniellkoepke on Instagram

・・・

I can't count the number of times someone has vented to me and followed it up with, "But I shouldn't even be upset because my struggles are nothing compared to yours".

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I've also been messaged MANY times by people saying that, even though they're really struggling, they don't feel like they deserve help or treatment because "There are other people who have it worse".

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Even this weekend. I had people share how terrified and broken they felt because of the fires and the shooting, only to cut themselves short and say, "But I didn't even lose anyone and my house is fine, so I shouldn't be upset." And it breaks my heart because it’s not s competition 😓

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💌 So here are some loving reminders:

✖️ You don't have to be at rock bottom in order to be deserving of support.

✖️ And you don't have to be living in the worst possible circumstances in order to justify feeling sad and affected.

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➡️ Whether a person is drowning in 20 feet of water or 5, they're still drowning.

➡️ It doesn't matter if your struggle looks different from someone's else's because you AREN’T the same and you CAN’T compare pain.

➡️ It's subjective and personal and there are so many factors that affect a person's ability to cope.

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✖️ If something hurts you, then it hurts you. And that pain is valid.

✖️ You're here, living, and breathing and trying. And even when it doesn't feel like it, you matter.

✖️ Just by being here and existing

〰️y o u m a t t e r 〰️

✖️ And if you're struggling, you deserve a space to talk about it.

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➡️ Vocalizing your pain even if you have a lot of good in your life ISN’T selfish.

➡️ It DOESN’T mean you aren't grateful for the good things you have or that you're taking away space from other people who also need it.

➡️ It's self-care, and it's survival.

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💌 This world is heavy, and it's human to feel it all and hurt.

💌 It's human to have days and weeks when everything feels too much.

💌 And it's never anything but brave to reach out and talk about it if that's what you need.

Today the @bbccin-blog #teamrickshaw is passing through Kent and I couldn't resist the opportunity to go and support them. Check out my Instagram stories to watch Harry ride past, and here are some snaps from their quick pit stop and changeover of riders - Kieran is ready to hit the road 🙌🏻

This video by the awesome @griminator is humorous...but it is also an accurate representation of almost all my encounters with men (except perhaps the wizard part). At what point in their lives are males taught that no doesn't mean no, that they shouldn't stop when a woman asks them to, and that their desires are more important than a woman's? We all have the right to say no and for that refusal to be respected. Even the 'nice guys' seem to find it tricky to comprehend this.

Watch the full video here: https://instagram.com/p/BpSQC9vl6SA/

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#Repost @griminator

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It shouldn't take a wizard. No means no and maybe means no.✌✌✌

Follow my comedy page @grim_humor

🤚Attn ppl arguing that a woman should just say no: Plz unfollow me. Do your research. Understand that it's hard and scary for MANY women to say no to a man.

Going through my saved posts on Instagram and found this awesome drawing of me from a few years ago by @sirdynamo aka @thepieeyes. I think this is the only drawing of me he ever published but I remember being truly honoured that he chose me (and I still am!).