I feel like I need to write a post on enmeshment / emotional incest trauma.
I used to hate when people applied the word "incest" to psychological/emotional abuse until something clicked for me, and I realized that it really is that invasive, gross, and insidious. (And as someone who's also experienced CSA I am giving you a license to call that shit exactly what it is).
What is enmeshment / emotional incest?
Enmeshment occurs when a child is not allowed to have any boundaries. This lack of boundaries causes confusion between the roles of parent and child, making the child take on an adult role, becoming inappropriately emotionally intimate with the parent and often acting more like a surrogate partner--thus referred to as emotional incest. Other related terms are covert incest (with overt being sexual abuse) and parentification (when a child has to not only act as an adult, or partner, but caretaker for the parent).
How does enmeshment / emotional incest present?
- Parent both lacks personal boundaries for themselves and does not allow child to have boundaries, and frequently gets angry if child attempts to develop any boundaries
- Parent treats child as a source to meet their own needs rather than as a separate/autonomous person
- Parent does not allow child to say "no" to them (even after child has grown up)
- Parent feels entitled to access child at all times (even after child has grown up), and frequently gets anxious or angry if access is denied; frequently uses guilt tripping and other manipulation tactics
- Parent is emotionally needy and demanding, and seeks out an inappropriately close/intimate relationship with child; may even make comments about how special the relationship between them is or that they have a bond like no one else does
- Parent makes child responsible for managing their emotional states and uses child to regulate their emotions for them
- Parent may blame child for their problems
- Parent has unrealistic expectations about child's role and responsibilities toward them, may bleed into expecting/demanding/forcing physical contact that is unwanted by child
- Parent shares inappropriate details about their personal life, may lean on child like a therapist, and is intrusive about child's life, therefore not allowing child to have space or privacy
- Parent assumes that their personality and preferences are shared by child, struggles to see child as their own separate/autonomous person
- Parent says and does things that are excessively controlling; is manipulative and undermines child's ability to feel, think, or act for themselves by keeping them in a state of both control and chaos (also known as coercive control)
- Parent is prone to taking over or unilaterally making decisions for child that child should be capable of and allowed to make for themselves (even after child has grown up)
- Parent has excessive concern or commentary about child's body or other personal matters
- Parent says and does things to keep child dependent on them for as long as possible, may even outright say "you need me" or otherwise undermine child's growth and development as they grow up (or even after child has grown up)
- Parent becomes upset or feels "left out" as child grows up and tries to become more independent
- Parent may take responsibility for child's success, citing their wonderful parenting and expecting credit or praise when child accomplishes things
- Parent displays unreasonable dislike or jealousy toward child's partner(s) as they grow up, may insist that only they can have a special bond with child, outright fabricate reasons to hate child's partner(s), or try to drive a wedge between them
(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).
How does enmeshment / emotional incest trauma impact the victim?
Emotional incest is a serious form of abuse, and similar effects are seen between victims of emotional incest and overt incest (sexual abuse). This is because, in both cases, the child is being violated by the parent. Because they are stripped of their autonomy, they are not really allowed to be a person at all. They are fundamentally treated as an object to serve the parent's needs or even as an extension of the parent themselves.
- Disruption in attachment, often resulting in disorganized (i.e. fearful-avoidant) attachment, because the caregiver is both the primary source of emotional intimacy and comfort as well as a source of confusion and distress
- CPTSD and other trauma disorders, especially dissociation as this type of abuse often causes confusion in child's identity and sense of self; pervasive depression and anxiety, addiction, etc.
- Feeling "uncomfortable, gross, or icky" about the parent or relationship with the parent--but often maintaining a feeling of obligation, anxiety, and guilt over the need to meet parent's needs
- Feeling chronically stressed, exhausted, and drained by the demand of parent's needs
- Struggling to form an internal sense of security, not trusting self to know how to function autonomously, feeling lost without being controlled
- Poor self-esteem, emotional dysregulation, and insecurity in relationships
- Extreme anxiety and/or guilt about trying to develop or enforce boundaries
- People pleasing, fear of upsetting others, expecting extreme reactions and retaliation
- Being overly dependent on others to function or make decisions, OR overfunctioning/codependency and even taking on others' responsibilities for them, OR both in different contexts
- Hypersexuality or other problems with intimacy due to not knowing how to have healthy intimacy
(This is not an exhaustive list, only some examples).
