I haven't seen much of Jim for a while...I guess that's my fault. He came to find me today, though, to give me something. I don't know where he got them, but the chocolates were nice. Bittersweet, heavy on the bitter.
He asked why I wasn't wearing my belt, and I told him I just didn't feel like dealing with the hassle today.
I don't think he believed me.
He didn't say anything else about it, but I'm afraid he'll bring it up again.
He knows my body better than anyone else. Maybe better than me. I've been avoiding him, craving sweets, and now my uniform is more snug and I've taken off the belt I've been wearing every day for nearly eight months. If he didn't at least suspect, I'd be surprised.
I know I should find Sunshine, and wish him a happy birthday, but the thought of seeing him right now brings tears to my eyes. I don't want him to know what I did. The risk I took, what happened because of it...
One of these days I'll work up the courage to find Jimmy.
If he won't do it, I guess my best bet is to ask Grant. Swansea might be willing, but telling him the truth about my past isn't something I want to do. He's my last resort, even if I'd trust him with anything else.
Funny, how Grant is the lesser evil, for this one thing alone. At the very least, I think he'd do it. He has the capacity to do unforgivable things, and he lacks the capacity to feel reasonable shame about it. Is it really so hard to believe he might want to kill someone with the same face he wears, just to see if he can do it? Just to see how it'll feel?
I worry sometimes about the universe he'll go back to one day. I feel sorry for them...but at least I can be comforted by knowing that James won't be there to be hurt by him anymore.
He'll have a happy life. One where he's cared for, and respected. I'll make sure of that.
Jim didn't kiss me today.
I wish I had kissed him. Just to make sure he knew that I still care. It's not about him. But if I tell him that, he won't believe me.
He's still taking his meds, as far as I know. He's more settled than he had been since everything changed...but I know that he still feels some urges. That some things are hard to let go of. When he looked at me today I thought he would
I thought that maybe it would be like things were before. I was bracing for it.
It's hard not knowing what he's thinking. Even though he's calmer, it's almost more frightening now. Before I could at least tell how mad he was and when he was going to snap. Now I'm not sure, and sometimes it actually keeps me up at night wondering if he's going to steer us into an asteroid.
There's still nothing on the scans, but it doesn't stop me from fearing it anyway.
I don't think journaling like this actually helps me, but I have to talk to someone, and since there's no one I can confide in, this file will have to do for now.
I guess I should say it, because someone should. Happy 39th birthday to Captain Grant Edward Curly and Sally his unnamed and unborn child.
Maybe we'll both be buried among the stars before this is over.