Royaltea

Max’s BI-Pride Playlist

1.  Born This Way ~ Lady GaGa 2.  Queen of the Night ~ Whitney Houston 3. Confident ~ Demi Lovato 4.  I'm Coming Out ~ Diana Ross 5.  She Keeps Me Warm ~ Mary Lambert 6. Firework ~ Katy Perry 7.  Girls Like Girls ~ Hayley Kiyoko  

8. Know Your Name ~ Mary Lambert 9. Beautiful ~ Christina Aguilera 10. This is Me ~ Keala Settle 11. I Kissed A Girl ~ Katy Perry

"When did you first wonder about what your name meant?", Max's neighbour randomly asked. She did that often, ask weird shit out of the blue but Max didn't mind. It was like playing a unique version of twenty-one questions that just never ended.  Thinking for a moment, the brunette smiled. Max remembered it well, year three's assignment, 'What's in a Name?' It was to be an essay of sorts. Well, as much of an essay that a bunch of eight years olds could write. The project seemed easy for everyone in her year, even her twin brother Mitchell had little to no problem discovering what his name meant and how he related to it all. Max, however, was having no luck. She found the male version of her name but still, there was no real information on the origins or even meaning.

Young Max ran home after school in tears. She didn't care about the marks for the assignment, okay everyone knew that she cared about her marks. She lived for good marks in school. This assignment, however, had her all upset. She just wanted to know what her name meant, where it came from and why the fuck her parents chose it. After all who tortures their baby with a name such as Maximilliana?  Throwing herself down on the chaise in the sitting room, crying her eyes out. "Why can't I have a proper good name like everyone else", she screamed. Diane could hear her daughter from the kitchen, she headed over to comfort her child. It was in that moment that Max finally got to hear where her name came from and it wasn't just some random long-ass weird name. It truly meant something to her mum.

Diane wiped Max's eyes as she pulled her close. "Oh my love, your name is special. More so than anyone else's in this family" her mother spoke in a soft soothing tone. Max's interest was more than piqued. "Really?" the eight-year-old asked. As interested as she was, she wasn't sure if her mum was being nice to her or telling the truth. It turned out that Diane was indeed being truthful. Max's name was very special.

"Maximilliana Eleanor," her mother said her name before pausing for effect most likely. Diane was known for that. "Your name is a combination of people I hold dear in my heart," she informed the young child.  "Max is short for Maxwell, which you know is my maiden name." Max smiled at her mum. She actually liked the fact she had her mother's maiden name as part of hers. It was something extra to bond the two. Diane continued "Milli, well she was my best mate when I was a child. She passed away when we were in sixth form. I never got over losing my partner in crime" Diane's voice broke a bit as she fought back the tears. Max wanted to know more about this Milli girl but figured that it was best not to ask, at least for the time being.

"And well Ana. Now that was my grandmum's name. She was a beautiful woman from Spain. She's who you got your colouring from." Diane kissed Max's forehead. "Then there's Eleanor", Diane went on causing Max to scrunch up her nose. She was never really fond of the name Eleanor. It seemed so old school, so vintage. "I once read a book and the main character was called Eleanor" she stated without any extra explanation. "That's it? A character?" Max arched her brow. "Seriously, mum?" she added as Diane nodded. "And since your father insisted on calling you Max, I wanted to give you a name that I could give you a nick from. Hence why I call you Ellie", her mother finally explained.

Follow Your Arrow  ~ Kacey Musgraves

Born This Way  ~Lady Gaga

True Colors ~ Justin Timberlake & Anna Kendrick

Count On Me  ~ Bruno Mars

Best Friend ~ Jason Mraz

Fucking Perfect ~ P!nk

Keep Your Head Up ~ Andy Grammer

Don't Wait  ~ Joey Graceffa

Friends in Low Places ~ Garth Brooks

Firework ~ Katy Perry

Bonus Track

[*trigger warnings; mentions of rape and self-harm]

Everyone has secrets. Hell, even the dead have them. Some are good secrets that one keeps until the time is right to reveal. Some are surprises such as a marriage proposal or a new pregnancy. Some, however, are dark, scary and damaging to the person that hides them deep inside. Those kind of secrets are the hardest to keep and the hardest to tell. Those secrets can end up destroying the holder. Tearing them up from the inside out.  This is the kind of secrets that Max holds on tight to.

On the outside, Maximilliana Deveraux looks like any other twenty-something living in New York City. She has a job she enjoys, an adorable pup and a son that she loves beyond this world. That's how things appear to the world outside her windows. On the inside, Max is drowning. She is fighting a losing battle with herself. No one knows about the scared seventeen-year-old Max that is still very much alive inside the twenty-two-year-old's mind. The young girl who was betrayed by her former boyfriend. The girl who lost her virginity by force. The girl who got pregnant and lied about the conception to everyone that she loved. She couldn't let anyone know what had really happened. Everyone that Max loves and holds dear believes that her son, Kaben was conceived on a night of passion between two recent high school grads.

How was she supposed to tell her family what had happened when for so long she couldn't even call it what it was. There are many days still that the brunette can't manage to say the four-letter word. After all, she still believes that it was very much her own fault. Trying to cope alone with her secret, Max turned to not only drinking and the occasional use of drugs, but self-harm as well. For Max, it keeps her head above water, it’s her release. It’s how she survives it all.

Lightning lit up the sky followed by several booms of thunder. It was loud enough that it had woken Kaben up yet again. Max was going to spend another sleepless night comforting her young son. She wasn't sure what caused Kaben's fear of thunderstorms but then again she hadn't really been in his life much until recently. "I'll give Nance a ring tomorrow and see what this is all about," she thought to herself. She surely didn't recall herself ever being scared of storms but then again, she had always loved to play out in the rain with her brothers even when it was a rather bad storm. Max the tomboy, always keeping up with her brothers or at least trying.

Turning the television on so that they could have something to drown out the sounds of the thunder, Max asked what Kaben wanted to watch. He shrugged his shoulders. Maybe it was because he was so tired and would probably go back to sleep halfway through anything that she put on. "Okay buddy, how about.." she trailed off as she flipped through the channels landing on QVC. Of course, they were selling clothes. Max was a sucker for clothes. Clothes and shoes to be exact. Glancing down at her son, she smiled. "Mind if mummy watches this for a minute. Might buy us something nice" she winked. Kaben was half out of it already and just nodded. "We have this nice sweater in both lavender and rose" the host of segment stated. "Hmmm," Max nodded. "Mummy what is a sweater?", Kaben chimed in causing Max to chuckle.

It was time to leave. Max's flight was in a few hours and she definitely did not want to miss it. She had been planning her big move across the pond to New York City for a what seemed forever. It however had been just under a month from the time she told her family that she was leaving no matter what ,to them, especially her mum and younger brother excepting it, to her packing and loading up the car to head out. Saying goodbye proved to be harder than Max had thought. There were plenty of tears to go around.

Diane held her only daughter's face in her hands one last time before pulling Max into the mother of all hugs. That was going to be a feeling that Max would miss. Not having her mother to hold her when life beat the shit out of her. She was not sure she would survive being so far from her family. Her older brothers she wasn't that worried about. Sure she would miss her daily talks with Thomas but Mitchell she wasn't going to waste as second thinking of him, even if he was her twin. Their bond was shattered years before. As far as Max was concerned she didn't have a twin brother. Now, her younger brother Alfie, she was worried the most about him. He had always been her shadow and there wasn't much the two didn't do together. 

Hugging Thomas, Max asked where Alfie was. He hadn't shown up. She couldn't leave with out saying goodbye him. Thomas searched the house for their brother but the blonde boy was no where to be found. Letting out a sigh, Max said one last goodbye to everyone before getting into the car with her best friend. Though the girls were not heading to the same final destination, they were both headed to the airport.  Just as Max turned the key in the ignition, she looked up and spotted Alfie hiding. He had been watching the farewells from afar. She smiled at her little brother and blow him a kiss. She knew that he couldn't handle an actual goodbye.

"See? I told you I could do it.", Max said in an unsure voice. Could she really do it?  Sure she was strapped into the swing and was seconds away from being swung out over the trees and valley below. There was plenty of time to back out and her nerves were telling her to jump out of the seat before the two-man crew released the swing from its restraints. "Are you ready?", the older of the two men asked. His Jamaican accent was just as thick as her British one.

Max shook her head. She wasn't ready, she needed a few more minutes to talk herself into it. She knew that she couldn't back out after all her best friend had already taken her turn. Max didn't want to look like she was afraid of it. Truth be told she was a little afraid. Not of the swing or being so high up. It was the fear of the swing giving way and her falling to the earth below. That terrified the fuck out of the then sixteen-year-old.

"Come on Max, you got this girl", the blonde encouraged her. Taking in a deep breath, Max looked up at the bright blue sky. "Okay, let's do it" she stated, closing her eyes. If she was going to fall to her death she sure the hell didn't want to see it. Pulling her back the men counted down to three and let her go. She swung out over the trees. The breeze hit her in the face.