cup of coffee

apr. 16, 2025 ⎻ wednesday

whenever i think about my life, how far i've come and whatnot, i don't think i've ever once felt satisfied with it. no matter how many people tell me oh, but you work so hard!, i've never truly felt like that was true. i am but a reflection of my parents, who are hard workers. i work because that is my job. that is how i've faced work in my life for as long as i can remember.

a while ago, i stumbled across an article discussing something called "imposter syndrome". in the simplest way possible, imposter syndrome is the psychological feeling of self-doubt and feeling like a fraud, despite evidence of accomplishments or abilities.

somebody with imposter syndrome can be shown their own achievements, have people praising them for hard work, and still not believe they are achieving anything. this can cause individuals to continually work harder and harder, without a real limit.

all of this being said, imposter syndrome isn't classified as a mental disorder; it is an experience that a person may have, as a result of particular stimuli or events taking place. | source

while reading this article, i came to the slow realisation that this is why i act the way that i do regarding work. whenever i get complimented for my work ethic, of course i will take it at face value, smile, and say thank you!... but this is to be polite. those compliments never truly make me feel like i am a hard worker.

i started to feel like a fraud, because i was faking my reaction, just to be polite. i don't want to reject somebodies compliment, but is faking a smile worse?

i do feel happy when i receive these types of compliments, but not because "my hard work is being recognised"; it's because i think i should feel happy. by societies standards, i am probably a hard worker, so i should feel happy when somebody recognises that.

(written on) apr. 12, 2025 ⎻ saturday

there are feelings that no language can come close to describing, therefore they are stuck being unsaid. they sit in my head, unable to be expressed, not because i lack the ability; because there are no words to describe them. i have many of these feelings, and i am feeling them all at the same time.

as somebody who went from graduating high school during covid-19, never going outside and having no job to somebody who has a full-time job, there are many emotions i'm experiencing now for the first time. unfortunately, i am no closer to being used to people.

whenever somebody says thank you, i appreciate you, you work so hard, i still become flustered. these words didn't exist for me until i started working.

to be appreciated by somebody, even in a work environment, is to be loved. i believe that love is an all encompassing word; how you use it changes it's definition. i am not used to love, coming from non-family members. it is something that i wrote off in my mind; i accepted any sort of love from non-family members would just never happen.

many of my coworkers go out of their way to speak to me, this i do not understand. i am quiet whenever i am not spoken to. what makes them want to speak to a quiet person?