leave me alone

I'm sorry you met me after my dad had snuffed the last little bit of light I still had out of me

I can't even say I was groomed. I did all that shit to myself. It my fault I have underage nudes of myself being passed around.

I definitely don't have enough trauma to have DID on what I was raped and my parents didn't care. That's pathetic

Like that was the worst part of DBT.... Realizing how many of those things I used to do on my own and then realizing how my father's behavior trained all that out of me.

Will never forget our dad straight up telling us "if you feel upset it's a good idea to smash stuff in a controlled manner" going so far as to tell me that certain objects were ok to break...... and then when I would go up into my room and crush cans I would be berated for it. Like haha why the fuck would you do that? Why would you tell me to do something and then punish me for it.

Sometimes I wish we had lost that finger so there was evidence of the neglect

I need to be so high I can't think feel or see

The chill of disgust that goes through my ribs when I remember I split a 6 year old version of myself. That version of me cannot.... It doesn't know what to keep to itself.

"other regressors don't act like this" I don't think most other regressors are dealing with the things Saint is when it comes to regression. We are keeping it private for a reason. How dare you.

The people who preach loving yourself have never been in a situation where they actually started asking themselves if self love is the right thing to do

Being raped is the only sex someone can have with me where I can know they actually want to have sex with me.

I wish I understood what I did wrong better. I wish I knew what was wrong sooner. I wish I wasn't stupid.

I didn't want the sex. I went out of my way not to ask. It's litterally just something inherant I don't think other people can consent to sex with me. I genuinely don't know what other than the stupid fucking hotel I don't know what exactly I did to make her feel like she had to fuck me I can't figure out exactly what it was that caused it and I can't figure it the fuck out and I have to. I have to.