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why the hell is everyone sleeping on the runarounds

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Behind Closed Doors ~ John Logan x Fem!Reader - (Part One)
Synopsis: Behind closed doors, Logan kisses you like you're the only thing he wants.
The problem is, being private feels a little too much like being hidden.
When you unexpectedly show up at a Briar athlete house party, and Logan suddenly acts like he barely knows you, every insecurity you've tried to ignore comes crashing down at once and Logan is forced to realize your relationship stopped being casual long before either of you admitted it.
Pairing: John Logan x reader
Part two here: read here.
My other Logan fic here: read here.
A/N: Was going to write a one-shot but it got long, so it's a two-parter!
PART ONE
The first thing you became aware of was warmth.
Not the blanket, not the weak gray light slipping through the curtains in John Logan’s room.
It was Logan. He was warm everywhere.
His chest pressed against your back, one heavy arm wrapped around your waist beneath your shirt, his face buried against the back of your neck like sometime during the night he’d unconsciously decided breathing you in was necessary for survival.
You smiled before you could stop yourself.
Mornings made it impossible to pretend this was casual in the same way Logan kept insisting it was.
Casual didn’t feel like waking up in a hockey player’s bed with his bare chest against your spine and his lips brushing sleepily across your shoulder before he was even fully awake.
Casual definitely didn’t feel like the quiet little noise he made when you shifted carefully, trying not to wake him up.
His arm tightened immediately. “You can’t leave.”
You laughed softly. “I have class.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I literally do.”
“Drop out.”
You rolled your eyes even as warmth spread through you and turned over to face him. He finally lifted his head enough to look at you, hair a mess, eyes still heavy with sleep. He looked so unfair in the mornings. Soft in a way nobody at Briar ever really got to see.
His gaze dropped to your mouth immediately.
“Come here,” he said, his voice raspy.
Before you could say anything else, he kissed you. Slow, sleepily, and warm. It was the kind of kiss that made you feel like you were being melted into the mattress beneath you.
Your fingers slid into the hair at the back of his neck automatically. He made that quiet, satisfied sound again and deepened the kiss lazily, pulling you fully onto your back beneath him.
It still startled you sometimes how affectionate he was in private. It seemed impossible for him to stop touching you while you were alone.
His thumb rubbed softly against the side of your waist while he kissed you again and again, like he had nowhere to be.
You had dated other men before, but no one had ever kissed you like Logan did. It was like every kiss accidentally turned into five more because he kept forgetting to stop.
The room was quiet, but you could hear distant movement downstairs, probably his teammates waking up. His hand slipped back up under your shirt just for skin contact, his warm palm flattening against your stomach.
Your chest tightened painfully because this was the problem. You were absolutely, hopelessly, falling in love with him. And that was the problem, because Logan still called whatever this was, casual.
A loud yell downstairs broke through the quiet. He groaned dramatically and dropped his forehead against your collarbone.
“They’re ruining my life.”
You laughed, your fingers sliding through his dark brown curls again. “It’s their house, too.”
“They should stop.”
Another voice could be heard downstairs, just a little bit louder now. It had gotten closer.
Reality started to creep back in. You felt the shift in him almost immediately. It was subtle, and tiny, but it was there. Logan lifted his head, glancing toward the bedroom door.
Suddenly, he wasn’t kissing you anymore. He wasn’t curled around you the same way, and his hand disappeared from under your shirt. It was small enough that maybe another girl wouldn’t have noticed it. But, you did. You always noticed him.
He looked back at you quickly, like he knew you’d felt it too.
“You should probably sneak out before they all start barging in here and getting me up for practice.”
There it was. The reminder. Everything was private and hidden.
You forced a smile anyway. “Wow, you really know how to make a girl feel special.”
His expression softened instantly. “Come here.”
Before you could dodge him, he caught your wrist and pulled you back into him, kissing you hard enough to steal the breath from your lungs.
You melted despite yourself. This was the problem, too. Even when he confused you, even when he accidentally hurt your feelings, he kissed you like you were something precious.
When he pulled back, his forehead rested against yours.
“You know I like having you here,” he said, his big brown eyes staring up at you.
Your chest hurt a little at how sincere he sounded.
“I know,” you said softly, as you looked back down at him.
The thing was, you did know. At least, privately. That was never the issue.
--
You ended up being ten minutes late to class because Logan refused to let you leave without another kiss, which turned into three, which then somehow turned into him pinning you against the bedroom door while you laughed breathlessly into his mouth.
“You’re the actual worst,” you told him.
He only grinned, his smile taking over his entire face, as his hands were warm against your waist beneath one of his old generic Briar University hoodies.
“You like me,” he said, knowingly. You swatted at him as he stole another kiss.
By the time you finally escaped his place, your lips were swollen, your hair was more tangled than normal, and Logan’s sleepy grin was still burned into the inside of your skull.
As you walked into your midday lecture, your roommate, Cassie, immediately narrowed her eyes.
“You stayed over again.”
You slid into your seat, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Well, you didn’t come home last night, and you’re wearing his hoodie.”
You looked down. Right.
The giant gray Briar University hoodie that Logan had tugged over your head that morning because you’d complained about being cold.
“I forgot to give it back.”
Cassie snorted, “Sure.”
You tried to focus on class after that, but it was impossible, because every five minutes your phone buzzed.
Logan: thinking about your mouth still
Heat rushed to your face instantly. You glanced around before typing back quickly.
You: I hate you
Three dots appeared immediately.
Logan: liar
Logan: also you left your book here
Her annotated copy of Pride and Prejudice.
The one filled with highlighted passages and sticky notes and embarrassing margin comments.
You: DO NOT TOUCH IT
A picture arrived seconds later. Logan was sprawled across his bed shirtless, her book balanced against his chest.
Your stomach flipped traitorously.
Beneath the image, sat another text.
Logan: too late
Logan: your annotations are intense
This was another thing about him. He quietly noticed everything, like he genuinely paid attention to you. He remembered what coffee you liked, which fantasy series made you cry, that you got easily overwhelmed in crowded places and preferred corners of rooms, and he listened when you rambled about books he’d never read but somehow remembered details weeks later.
Last week, he’d given you a little gold bookmark because “It reminded me of that dragon book you like.”
You had almost died on the spot.
Your phone buzzed again.
Logan: come over tonight?
You bit your lip.
Then another message appeared.
Logan: after practice
This was how it always happened lately. You’d tell yourself that you needed space. That you needed to stop letting this become so relationship-like when he still insisted you were ‘keeping things easy.’
Then, he’d look at you. He’d touch you, and kiss you, and suddenly, you were back in his bed again, pretending that your feelings weren’t becoming catastrophic.
Cassie leaned over to you, “You’re smiling at your phone.”
“I’m not.”
“You’re literally blushing.”
You shoved the phone face down onto the desk. Unfortunately, your roommate only looked more smug.
“So are you finally going to admit you’re basically dating John Logan?”
Your stomach tightened automatically.
“Shhh!” you said as you looked around, “It’s casual.”
Cassie stared at her for a long moment.
Later, walking across campus alone, the words lingered uncomfortably in your head, because privately? Nothing about John Logan felt casual anymore.
--
Practice ended late. You knew because Logan texted you an update when he had a small break.
Logan: coach is trying to kill us. If I die tell Garrett he still owes me twenty bucks
About a half an hour after that, you received another text.
Logan: miss you. Get over here.
This is how you found yourself climbing the stairs at his place just after ten, the tote bag heavy against your shoulder and your stomach still full of nerves that you couldn’t seem to control around him.
The house was quieter than usual for once. He had told you to let yourself in because no one else was home.
You slipped into his room without knocking. He looked up immediately from where he was sprawled across his bed in gray sweatpants, his hair still damp from the shower.
He smiled at you. Not a polite smile, not casual, that smile. It was the one that always hit you in the chest.
“There’s my favorite nerd.”
You rolled your eyes automatically even as warmth flooded through you.
He moved to the edge of the bed and held out a hand immediately. You took it before he even fully closed his fingers.
He tugged you between his knees until you stood directly in front of him, your hoodie-clad body fitting easily between his legs. His hands slid beneath the hem of the hoodie automatically, finding your waist.
“Did you eat?” you asked him.
“Mhmm.”
“You lying?”
A grin appeared on his face.
“Maybe.”
You sighed, “I brought food.”
“See? This is why I keep you around.”
You tried to glare at him, but it would’ve probably worked better if he hadn’t immediately tilted his head up and kissed you. It was slow at first, then deeper when you melted into him.
His grip tightened against your waist, pulling you flush against him until you could feel the warmth of his skin.
This right here is why you kept losing perspective around him. These little moments of when Logan kissed you like someone who genuinely wanted you.
His mouth softened against yours when you made a quiet sound into the kiss, and suddenly, he was smiling against your lips.
“What?” you whispered.
“You make that noise every time I kiss you for more than ten seconds.”
You immediately covered his mouth with your hand. “I hate you.”
He laughed into your palm before pulling it away and kissing the inside of your wrist casually enough to make your stomach flip.
You took out the food you brought him, and the two of you talked for a bit while you ate. After you finished, he handed you the copy of your book before tugging you down onto the bed beside him.
You barely got settled before he stretched out and dropped his head directly onto your lap like it belonged there.
You looked down at him, and you pulled out your book to read it as he closed his eyes, half-dozing against you. One of his hands lazily hooked around your stomach.
Sometimes, he’d open his eyes and interrupt just to ask questions about whatever you were reading, despite insisting romance novels were “overrated”.
Tonight, though, he just looked tired.
Your fingers drifted into his damp hair, playing with his curls. The reaction was immediate, and he practically melted.
A soft exhale left him as he tilted his head more firmly into your touch. Your chest tightened painfully because you became more aware that this was relationship behavior; it was terrifyingly intimate.
Logan acted like this only when you were alone. That’s what scared you the most.
As if sensing a shift if your mood, he opened one eye slightly.
“What’s that face?”
“What face?”
“The thinking-too-much face.”
You looked back down at your book quickly, “I’m literally reading.”
Before he could respond, voices erupted downstairs. They were loud and excited.
Then, you heard Garrett yelling, “Party Friday! Nobody trash the kitchen this time.”
You stilled slightly, and Logan noticed immediately. His hand tightened around your stomach.
“You don’t have to come,” he said.
You looked down at him. “I wasn’t invited.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
She nodded.
You tried not to think about Friday after that, but it was difficult because Logan kept making it impossible to think about anything else.
After the conversation died off, he’d sat up just enough to tug you into his lap, stealing lazy kisses between pages of your book while mumbling complaints about practice into your skin.
And you? You were weak, especially when he was affectionate like this. At one point, he’d gently pulled the book from your hands altogether and dropped it onto the floor beside the bed.
“Logan.”
“You’re not paying attention to me.”
“You’re literally attached to my body right now.”
“Still.”
You laughed softly before he kissed you again, slower this time. The kind of kiss that made you forget what you’d been saying halfway through it.
His hands settled at your waist, thumbs rubbing lazy circles against the skin just above your jeans while he tipped his head slightly to deepen the kiss. Your hands slid across his jaw, which elicited a moan from him, before making your way to his hair and lightly tugging on it.
The smile Logan gave her then was small, real. It was dangerous.
--
Friday came too fast. You spent a stupid amount of time staring at your closet, which was ridiculous.
You never cared this much about parties because you usually avoided them entirely. Cassie had been invited to the party by a football player, Beau, and she’d told him the only way she would go was if she could bring her friend. So, you decided to go so that Cassie could be with Beau.
Cassie appeared in the doorway holding up two tops.
“Wear the black one.”
You looked down at your oversized sweater.
“I was thinking this.”
Cassie blinked slowly. “To a party?”
“I like this sweater.”
“Babe, you look like you’re about to alphabetize a bookshelf.”
“That’s not an insult to me.”
“It is tonight.”
The girls who went to these parties always looked effortless in ways that you never managed to be. Tiny dresses, with loud confidence and perfect hair. They fit naturally into the world orbiting Briar athletes.
You usually felt like you’d wandered into the wrong building by mistake.
And now there was the added problem of secretly sleeping with one of the star hockey players.
Twenty minutes later, you stood in front of the mirror feeling deeply unlike yourself in a black top that showed more skin than you normally preferred.
Cassie grinned triumphantly behind you, “You look hot!”
You tugged awkwardly at the hem. “I look like I’m trying too hard.”
“You’re literally dating John Logan.”
“Cassie, we’re not dating, and no one even knows so you have to be quiet about it.”
“Mhmm.”
--
The boys’ place was already loud when you arrived.
Music was vibrating through the walls, and you could see through the windows as you walked up that the house was packed. You immediately regretted coming.
“You’ll be fine,” Cassie yelled over the music, already dragging you inside.
You barely had time to adjust before you saw him. Logan stood across the living room, talking to Garrett and Dean, a drink in hand, and gray long-sleeves shoved up his forearms.
Your breath caught stupidly. Even now, even after weeks of being with him and sleeping in his bed, looking at him still felt unfair.
As if sensing it, Logan glanced up, and your eyes met instantly.
You watched the exact moment recognition hit his face, followed by immediate surprise, then something else.
It was small, and it was quick, but you recognized that look. It was panic.
Your stomach tightened. Instead of smiling, instead of coming toward you, instead of looking anything like the boy who made you moan his name two nights ago, he just froze.
He gave a small nod.
“Didn’t know you were coming,” he mouthed, as he took a drink.
“Last minute thing,” you mouthed back.
He nodded once, and then turned back to Garrett and Dean.
You stood there for another second longer than you should have, just waiting. You were waiting for him to look back. For him to wave you over. Something.
But he kept talking to Garrett and Dean like nothing happened.
Cassie leaned toward you immediately, “Okay, he’s being weird.”
You forced out a laugh, “He’s just talking to his friends.”
“Babe, he looked like you caught him committing a crime.”
You tried to smile, but discomfort was already crawling slowly up your spine. Logan wasn’t usually weird with you, at least not privately. Privately, he couldn’t stop touching you. But now? Now, he looked almost… careful.
Heat flooded your face as you suddenly felt painfully aware of yourself. The black top you already regretted wearing, the loud music, the girls draped effortlessly across the hockey and football teams like they belonged here naturally. Unlike you.
“You want a drink?” Cassie asked.
“Yes,” you said immediately.
Mostly because it gave you something to do besides stand there, wondering why Logan suddenly looked uncomfortable acknowledging your existence.
You ended up in the kitchen, which somehow felt even worse. It was more crowded, hotter, and there was nowhere to hide.
You leaned against the counter while Cassie asked you if she could go talk to Beau, and you, wanting to be a good friend, told her you’d be fine.
Every few minutes, despite yourself, your eyes drifted back toward the living room. Toward him. You caught him looking at you a few times, and that was the worst part. He kept glancing over at you like he wanted to come talk to you, but every time you were able to meet his eyes, he’d look away first.
Your stomach twisted harder every single time.
A girl slid next to him near the couch. Blonde, a tiny dress. Pretty in the effortless way that you never managed. She leaned close to say something in his ear over the music. Logan answered absently, his gaze drifting toward you again. But, he still didn’t move.
You looked away first this time as humiliation burned hot beneath your skin. It wasn’t long ago that he’d held you against his bedroom door and kissed you goodbye like you were something precious to him. And now? You felt like you were some awkward girl who misunderstood everything.
“Hey.”
You looked up quickly. A guy you vaguely recognized from one of your elective classes stood beside you.
“Cassie said you were abandoned over here.”
You laughed softly, “That obvious?”
“A little. I’m Connor, by the way.”
“Y/N.”
“I know. You answered a question in class once and made the professor look stupid.”
You groaned and covered your face, “Please don’t remind me.”
Connor grinned. “No, it was impressive.”
The conversation was easy after that. It was easy in a way that you desperately needed right now. Connor looked directly at you when you spoke. He seemed genuinely happy you were there.
You found yourself relaxing despite everything. The knot in your chest loosened a little with every passing moment you stayed in the kitchen. For the first time since arriving at the party, you stopped thinking about Logan for almost thirty full seconds.
Then, you made the mistake of looking up. Logan was already looking at you from across the room. It wasn’t casual, either. He was staring.
Your stomach flipped hard enough to make you angry. Now he looked interested. Now he noticed you. Heat crawled up your neck.
Fine. If he wanted to act like you were just another girl at the party, then she could act that way, too.
So, you looked back at Connor.
“What’s your major again?”
“Pre-med,” he said with a dramatic sigh, “Unfortunately.”
You laughed softly. Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Logan shift abruptly and break off from his group.
Your pulse skipped traitorously. Don’t look at him. Don’t.
You forced yourself to keep listening while Connor talked about one of your professors, but suddenly, you could feel Logan somewhere nearby without even seeing him.
“You hiding in the kitchen?”
You turned. There he was.
He still had a drink in his hand, and he was looking unfairly good in the low lighting. However, there was something tight in his expression now.
Connor glanced between them, “You guys know each other?”
You opened your mouth automatically, but then hesitated. You had no idea what Logan wanted you to say.
Logan answered first.
“Yeah,” he said casually, “she hangs around the house sometimes.”
The words hit like a slap. You actually felt your expression falter before you caught it.
She hangs around the house sometimes.
Like you were random, temporary. Just some girl floating around hockey parties instead of someone who’d spent nights in his bed with his mouth against your throat whispering for you to stay.
Connor nodded easily, “Oh, cool.”
You couldn’t breathe suddenly.
Logan’s eyes flickered toward you briefly, like maybe even he heard how wrong it had sounded after it left his mouth. But then someone across the room shouted his name, and he looked away, just for a second.
You stepped back immediately, it was all too much for you.
“I’m gonna get some air,” you said quietly.
Neither of them stopped you. The cold outside hit your skin hard enough to sting.
You wrapped your arms around yourself as the back door shut behind you, muffling the music from inside.
Your chest hurt, which felt ridiculous. Technically, Logan hadn’t done anything wrong. You weren’t official, you weren’t public. You’d agreed to keep things casual.
So, why did you suddenly feel so humiliated? The answer came immediately, cruel, and honest. Because privately, Logan never treated you casually.
Privately, he kissed you like he missed you after one day apart. He fell asleep wrapped around your body. And then the second other people were around? She hangs around the house sometimes.
You laughed under your breath once, miserable. The back door creaked open behind you a minute later, but you didn’t turn around.
“Hey.”
It was Logan.
You stared out into the dark. “Your party misses you.”
There was silence for a second. Then, “What’s wrong?”
That almost made you laugh again, because if he genuinely didn’t know, that somehow hurt worse.
You turned and looked at him suddenly.
“John, you’ve been ignoring me.”
Logan blinked. “What?”
“You saw me walk in and acted like I was interrupting your life.”
“That’s not—”
“And then you introduce me as somebody who hangs around the house sometimes?”
His face changed immediately. You saw the exact moment realization hit him.
“Oh.”
“Yeah,” you said quietly. “Oh.”
“Y/N—”
“No, it’s fine.”
“It’s obviously not fine.”
You swallowed hard. You hated this. You hated feeling needy, and how much power he suddenly had to hurt your feelings without even trying.
“You know what the worst part is?” you asked softly. “Privately, you act like…” you stopped yourself.
Logan stepped closer automatically. “Like what?”
You looked away. “Like I matter.”
The words landed between them heavily.
Logan went still.
“And then we get around other people and suddenly it’s like you don’t know what to do with me anymore.”
“That’s not true.”
“It kind of is, though, John.”
Your throat tightened painfully.
“Do you know how crazy it makes me feel?” you whispered. “Because two nights ago you touched me like you couldn’t stop, and the next morning you practically begged me to stay in your bed longer and then tonight—”
Your voice cracked slightly. You looked down, mortified.
“Tonight, I felt stupid for thinking that any of that actually meant something.”
The words hung between them in the cold air. You hated how vulnerable they sounded out loud. You saw his face fall immediately.
“Y/N.”
Suddenly, you couldn’t do this anymore. You couldn’t stand there letting him look at you with those soft, conflicted eyes while your chest cracked open in real time. You stepped back before he could touch you.
“I should go.”
His brow furrowed instantly, “Wait.”
“It’s fine.”
“It’s obviously not fine.”
You laughed once under your breath. “That’s kind of the problem, Logan. I don’t think you realize how not fine it is.”
You saw him reach for you again, but you stepped back before he could. The hurt that flashed across his face almost made you stop.
Almost.
But if he touched you right now, you’d cave immediately. You knew yourself well enough to know that.
So instead, you shook your head once.
“I can’t keep feeling like your secret until it’s convenient, if ever, for you not to hide me anymore.”
He went still. You swallowed down the lump in your throat.
Then, you turned and walked away before he could say anything else.
TEXTS BETWEEN BABYDADDY!RAFE AND BLACKCAT!READER
pt.1
tags: @amelialovesrafe @alyisdead @illumoria @blissfulbutterfliess @sydneysslove @matthewswifeyy @meetmeintheemeraldpool @lcversvoid @sabrina-carpenter-stan-account @cokewithcameron @drewrry @harubunnyy @lifeonawhim @ar1ynx @tottassss @nessasmultiverseoflove @camerxnlove @mochibunnyyyy @starkeysfile @rosiecherie @dainted @my-fabulousness-has-arrived @angelicameron @p34rlzzz @maximumstructurearchivist @seraphiccrafe @graciegibsonn @obxobsessedbitch1 @dabishou
We’re Not Over. ~ R.C
Summary: You should have just broke up, but Rafe would never let that happen.
Warning: DV, NONCON/DUBCON, PHYSICAL ABUSE, toxic relationship, emotional abuse, physical violence, Alcohol, addiction, pregnancy, mention or abortion, drug use (from rafe). if any of this triggers you or is in your thing, scroll away. This is fiction. 
An: heyyy yall lmk if u want a part 2 and like, comment reblog for more! Hearing what u think keeps me motived to write more fics!!
MINORS DNI
The house was quiet in that heavy way it got after everyone left. Rafe had made sure the door was locked behind the last person out. You'd felt it, the shift in him all night. The way his eyes tracked you from the corner of the room, jaw locked, fingers drumming restless on his knee while you talked to friends. He hadn't said much then. Just drank. Watched. Waited.
Now the bedroom door clicked shut behind you both. The lock turned slow, deliberate. The lamp on his dresser cast a dim yellow glow, catching the sweat on his neck, the flush creeping up from his collar.
Whiskey breath mixed with the faint chemical bite of coke still lingering on him. His shirt hung open at the top buttons, sleeves shoved up, arms tense like coiled wire.
He didn't speak right away. Just stood there, back to the door, staring at you like he was deciding something. You stayed near the bed, arms loose at your sides but ready, heart already picking up speed. The carpet felt rough under your bare feet, the air thick and stale.
"You had fun tonight," he said finally. Voice low, slurred just enough to show the liquor had settled deep. No question in it. Statement. Accusation.
"I talked to people. That's what parties are for."
He pushed off the door. Slow steps toward you. "Yeah. You talked. Laughed. Let that Pogue asshole get right up in your space. Smiled at him like he was funny. Like I wasn't standing ten feet away."
Your throat tightened.
"It was nothing. He made a joke. I laughed. End of story."
Rafe stopped close. You could feel the heat rolling off him, smell the sharp edge of his anger under the booze.
"Nothing," he repeated. Soft. Almost thoughtful. Then his hand came up, slow, like he had all the time in the world, and wrapped around your throat. Not squeezing. Not yet. Just holding. Fingers warm, thumb resting over your pulse. You felt it jump under his touch.
"You think I'm stupid?" he murmured. Eyes locked on yours. Pupils blown wide. "You think I don't see how you light up for them? How you pull away from me the second someone else is around?"
"Rafe." Your voice came out small. You hated it. "You're drunk. Let go."
His thumb pressed in a little. Just enough to make breathing feel deliberate. "Nah. We're talking now. You wanted to act like everything's fine all night? We're talking about why it's not."
You tried to step back. His other hand shot to your hip, fingers digging in hard enough to bruise tomorrow. He pulled you forward instead. Chest to chest, his heartbeat thudding fast against yours.
"You always do this," he said. Voice dropping lower. Rougher. "Act like I'm the crazy one. Like I imagine shit. But I don't. I see it. Every time."
His grip on your throat tightened fraction by fraction. Air got thinner. Your hands came up instinctively, pushing at his wrist. He didn't budge.
"Stop," you rasped.
He tilted his head. Studied your face like he was memorizing the fear there.
"You know what happens when you push me like this. You've known for a while."
The words hung heavy. He wasn't yelling. Wasn't frantic. Just calm. Cold. Like this was inevitable. Like you'd walked into it on your own.
You shoved harder at his chest. He let go of your throat only to grab both your wrists instead. Twisted them behind your back in one rough motion. Pain flared sharp up your arms. You gasped. He used the momentum to force you back until your legs hit the bed. You fell onto it, him following, knee between your thighs, pinning you down.
He loomed over you. Breathing steady now. Controlled. His free hand came back to your face, cupping your cheek almost gently. Thumb brushed over your bottom lip.
"You think you can leave?" he whispered. Not mocking. Not angry. Just stating fact. "You think you walk out that door and this ends?"
His weight pressed heavier. You felt every inch of him, solid, unmovable. The hand on your wrists tightened until your fingers went numb.
"You don't get to decide that," he continued. Voice soft. Almost tender. "Its not just your choice."
Tears burned hot in your eyes. You blinked them back. "You're hurting me."
"I know." Simple. No apology. Just acknowledgment. Like it was part of the conversation.
He leaned down. Lips brushing your ear. "And you'll still be here in the morning. Won't you?"
You didn't answer. Couldn't. The room spun slowly, fear, pain, the sick twist of knowing he was right about the pattern. The bruises he'd left before. The apologies that came too late. The way you'd always gone back.
His mouth moved to your neck. Not kissing. Just breathing there. Hot. Possessive. "Say it."
You shook your head. Small. Defiant.
His hand slid from your cheek to your hair. Gripped hard. Yanked your head back until your throat arched. "Say you'll be here."
The words stuck in your chest. You swallowed against the ache. "Fuck you."
He laughed once, low, quiet. Lacking humor. "Yeah. But you're still here."
He released your wrists suddenly. Rolled off you. Stood up. Backed toward the door like nothing had happened. "Get some sleep. We'll talk in the morning."
You stayed curled on the bed. Breathing shallow. Wrists throbbing. Throat raw. Face wet from the tears you hadn't let fall until he turned away.
He didn't look back. Just flipped the lamp off. Darkness swallowed the room.
You waited until his breathing evened out on the couch across the room. He never slept in the bed after nights like this, like he needed distance to cool off.
Then you moved.
Quiet. Careful. Slipped off the bed. Grabbed your shoes. Keys. Didn't bother with anything else.
The front door opened without a sound. Cold night air hit your face. You didn't run. Just walked fast to your car. Started it. Pulled out slowly so the engine wouldn't wake him.
Drove home in the dark. Locked every door behind you. Went to your room. Sat on the floor against the wall. Felt the bruises forming on your wrists, the ache in your throat, the hollow pit in your stomach.
Three days.
You stayed inside. Curtains closed. Phone off. Ignored the rumble of his truck outside, once, twice, then nothing.
On the third day, when the marks had turned deep purple and the fear had hardened into something colder, you turned your phone on.
Typed: We're done.
Sent.
Turned it off.
The silence after felt different this time. Sharp. Final.
You didn't cry. Just sat there. Breathing. Waiting for the fallout you knew was coming.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The beach house was already alive when you arrived. It felt warm and forgiving after weeks of hiding in your room. Music drifted out the open doors, vibrating up through the deck planks. The air carried bonfire smoke, spilled tequila, and the faint coconut of someone's sunscreen even though it was dark.
You walked in through the side gate like you always did. Sophia and Avery had texts you earlier.
𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 GROUPCHAT 𓆝 𓆟 𓆞
(6:30 pm)
Sophᥫ᭡: girl pls come out ;(
Sophᥫ᭡: just us girls seriously we need u here!!!
Averyʚɞ: mias margaritas r actually insane tn… come save me
Mia spotted you first. She waved you over with both hands, red cup already in one. "There she is! Finally." Her smile was bright, genuine enough that the knot in your chest loosened a fraction. She pressed the cup into your hand without asking. The glass was cold and slick with condensation. You took a sip…tart lime, too much tequila, the burn sliding smooth down your throat.
"Sit, sit," Sophia said, patting the wicker chair next to her. "We’ve been dying without you."
You sat. The chair creaked under you. The fire pit crackled a few feet away, heat licking at your shins. Avery leaned in on your other side, shoulder bumping yours.
"You look good. Like, really good. We missed your face."
Conversation flowed easily at first. Safe. School gossip. Someone’s new internship. A story about Topper wiping out on his board last weekend that had everyone laughing. You laughed too. The margarita helped. You finished the first one faster than you meant to. Mia was right there with the pitcher, topping you off before you could protest.
"Lightweight rules don’t apply tonight," she teased.
The second drink went down smoother. The third even easier. Your limbs felt loose, the edges of the night blurring just enough that the ache in your wrists, the faint ghosts of bruises, was easier to ignore. You let yourself lean back. Let the fire warm your face. Let the laughter wrap around you like a blanket you hadn’t realized you were cold without.
You didn’t hear the truck pull up. Didn’t notice the shift in the air until Topper’s voice cut through the chatter. "Yo, look who decided to grace us."
Your head turned slowly. The alcohol made everything lag half a second.
Rafe stepped onto the deck from the side stairs. Hands in his pockets. Shoulders hunched against the breeze. Hair messy from the wind. He looked worse than you remembered, sunken under the eyes, skin pale in the fairy light. But when his gaze found you across the fire, it sharpened. Locked. Held.
Your stomach flipped. The cup in your hand suddenly felt too heavy.
You started to stand.
Sophia’s hand landed lightly on your wrist. Not grabbing. Just resting there. "Hey. Stay."
Mia leaned in close. Voice soft, almost conspiratorial. "He’s not here to start shit. He’s been quiet all week. Like, really quiet. Just… give it a minute?"
Avery nodded on your other side. "We all miss how things used to be. One night. That’s it."
You looked around the circle. Faces lit orange by the fire. Eyes on you,concerned, hopeful, a little pleading. No one was forcing you. No one was blocking the gate. But the weight of their quiet expectation pressed in anyway. Saying no now would mean explaining why. Would mean ripping the fragile normalcy they’d all been clinging to.
You sat back down.
Rafe didn’t come straight over. He drifted instead. Slow. Casual. Grabbed a beer from the cooler near Topper. Cracked it open. Taking a long pull. Then another. He laughed at something Kelce said, low, forced, but enough to make the group relax a notch.
You kept your eyes on the fire. Flames snapping. Sparks drifting up into the dark. The tequila hummed warm in your veins, dulling the sharp edge of panic. Your head felt fuzzy. Pleasant fuzzy. The kind that made bad decisions feel distant.
He moved closer eventually. Sat on the low bench across the pit from you. Knees spread. Elbows on his thighs. Beer bottle dangling between his fingers. He didn’t look at you right away. Just stared into the flames like everyone else. But you felt it, the pull of his attention. Steady. Unavoidable.
After a while, it had been long enough that another round of drinks had been passed, and he spoke. Voice low. Rough around the edges from the alcohol or the week or both.
"You’re here."
Two words. Simple. No accusation. No demand. Just observation.
You swallowed. The margarita now tastes worse on your tongue. "Yeah."
He nodded once. Slow. Took another drink from his beer. "Good."
The group kept talking around you both. Laughing. Teasing. Pretending the tension wasn’t there. But it was. Thick. Electric. Every time someone shifted, every time the fire popped, you felt his eyes flick to you. Quick. Careful. Like he was afraid that if he stared too long, you’d bolt.
Mia leaned over again. Whispered so only you could hear. "See? He’s chill. Just stay a little longer. For old times’ sake."
You nodded. Small. Automatic.
The fourth margarita appeared in your hand somehow. You didn’t remember asking for it. But you drank anyway. Let the burn chase away the last of the clarity.
Rafe finally stood. Walked around the pit. Slow steps. Stopped a few feet from your chair. Hands still in his pockets. Head tilted just enough that the firelight caught the sharp line of his cheekbone.
"Can we talk?" he asked. Quiet. Almost careful. "Just for a second. Down by the water."
You looked up at him. The world tilted soft from the drinks. His face looked different in the low light, less angry, more… lost. The same face you’d seen in the dark of his room weeks ago, right before everything went wrong.
Sophia touched your shoulder lightly. "Go. We’re right here if you need us."
Avery smiled slightly. "Five minutes. Then come back and make fun of Topper with us."
You stood. Legs wobbly but holding. The sand was cool under your feet as you followed him down the steps, away from the fire, away from the lights. Waves rolled in steady. White foam hissing against the shore.
He stopped near the waterline. Turned. Didn’t crowd you. Just stood there. Waiting.
"I fucked up," he said. Voice rough. Low. "Bad. I know it."
You crossed your arms. The wind tugged at your hair. Salt stung your lips. "Yeah. You did."
He looked down at the sand. Kicked at a shell. "I’ve been trying to fix it. Therapy. Cutting back. All of it. Doesn’t make it right. Just… means I’m trying."
Silence stretched. Waves filled it.
"I don’t expect you to believe me," he continued. "But I’m sorry. For real."
You searched his face. The tequila made it hard to read him. Or maybe it made it easier. He looked wrecked. Eyes red-rimmed. Jaw tight like he was holding something back.
You didn’t say anything. Just stood there. Letting the words settle.
He stepped closer. Slow. Careful. "Can I…?" He opened his arms a little. Not grabbing. Just offering.
The drinks had softened everything. The fear. The anger. The memory of his hand on your throat. It all felt farther away. Muted.
You stepped into him.
His arms closed around you. Tight. Familiar. One hand cradling the back of your head. The other low on your back. He smelled like smoke and salt and him. His heartbeat thudded fast against your cheek.
"I missed you," he whispered. Barely audible over the waves.
You didn’t hug back. But you didn’t pull away.
Behind you, up on the deck, the group watched. Faces glowing in the firelight. Smiling soft. Relieved.
You stayed like that longer than you planned.
When you finally stepped back, his hands slid to your arms. Lingered a second. Then dropped.
"Stay?" he asked. Quiet. No demand. Just a question.
You glanced back at the house. Sophia raised her cup. Mia gave a small nod. Avery mouthed please.
The net was soft. Warm. Almost comfortable.
You nodded once.
Walked back with him.
Sat down again.
Took the next drink when it was handed to you.
Let the night keep pulling you under.
Slow.
Subtle.
Inevitable.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three weeks later, your period was late.
You bought the test at the small pharmacy on the Cut because no one there would recognize you. The fluorescent lights buzzed overhead. The cashier didn’t look at your face. You sat in your car in the parking lot with the plastic bag in your lap, heart hammering so hard you felt it in your teeth.
The two pink lines stared back at you from the bathroom counter like they had been waiting there all along.
You had taken the test twice. Same brand. Same result. The first time you sat on the closed toilet lid for twenty minutes, knees drawn up, staring at the stick until the plastic felt warm from your grip. The second time you did it in the shower, water running cold, hoping the steam would blur the lines or wash them away. It didn’t.
Your period was nine days late now. You had never been this late. Not once.
The night at the beach house came back in fragments. Not clean memories. Just flashes. The margaritas tasting stronger than they should have. Mia’s hand on your arm, refilling your cup again. Rafe’s arms around you by the water, the group watching from the deck like it was some kind of movie moment. Then the guest bedroom. His mouth on your neck. His hands sliding under your shirt. You remembered saying “wait” once, maybe twice, the word slurring into the music thumping through the floor. You remembered his weight pressing you into the mattress. After that the edges went soft and dark. You woke up the next morning in his bed upstairs, sheets tangled, head pounding, no clear memory of how you got there or what happened between the guest room and waking up.
You had asked him once, days later, casual, testing the water.
“Do you remember… that night? Like, after we talked on the beach?”
He had looked at you with those tired eyes, thumb brushing your cheek. “Yeah. You were drunk. We both were. You wanted it. We both did.”
You had nodded because pushing felt dangerous. Because the alternative meant admitting you didn’t remember consenting. Or not consenting. The lines were too blurry to touch.
Now the lines weren’t blurry anymore.
You drove to his house that afternoon because the nausea had started and you couldn’t keep pretending it was stress or bad takeout. Your hands shook on the wheel the whole way. The Cameron driveway felt longer than usual. The house loomed white and quiet under the late sun.
Rafe answered the door shirtless, hair damp like he had just showered. He smiled when he saw you, small and hopeful, the way he had been smiling lately. Careful. Like he was afraid the wrong expression would make you bolt.
“Hey. You okay? You look…”
You didn’t let him finish. You stepped inside, closed the door behind you, and held up the test. The plastic trembled in your fingers.
His eyes dropped to it. Then back to your face. Everything in him went still.
“Is that…”
You nodded once.
He took the stick from you gently, like it might break. Stared at the lines. His breathing changed. Shallow. Fast. Then his face cracked open in a way you had never seen before. Not anger. Not smugness. Something raw and bright and terrifyingly real.
“Holy fuck.” His voice broke on the last word. He looked up at you, eyes wet, shining. “We’re… we’re having a baby?”
You couldn’t speak. Your throat closed tight.
He pulled you into him suddenly, arms wrapping around you so hard it hurt a little. His face buried in your hair. You felt his chest shudder against yours. He was crying. Quiet, ragged breaths. Not the dramatic kind. The kind that came from somewhere deep and broken.
“This is it,” he whispered. “This is us fixing everything. You and me and… fuck, a kid. Our kid.”
You stood there frozen. His heartbeat hammered against your cheek. Too fast. Too loud. You felt the nausea roll again, sharp and sour.
“Rafe. I don’t… I don’t remember us having sex without… a condom. That night. I don’t remember any of it clearly.”
He pulled back just enough to look at you. His hands stayed on your arms, thumbs stroking slow circles like he was trying to soothe you.
“You were drunk. We both were. But you wanted me. You pulled me down there. You said my name like…” He swallowed. “Like you needed me. We didn’t use one because… shit, I don’t know. It happened fast. You were on top at one point. You didn’t stop me.”
The words landed heavy. You searched his face for a lie. Couldn’t find one. But the memory still wouldn’t come clear. Just heat. Pressure. His voice in your ear. Your own hands on his back. Had you pulled him down? Had you said his name?
“I said wait,” you whispered.
His expression flickered. Pain. Guilt. Something darker underneath.
“I know. I heard you. But then you kissed me again. You wrapped your legs around me. I thought… I thought that meant yes. I’m so fucking sorry if I got it wrong. I swear to God I thought you wanted it.”
He dropped his forehead to yours. Eyes closed. Breathing shaky.
“I would never hurt you like that on purpose. You know that. Right?”
You didn’t answer. Couldn’t.
He took your hand. Led you to the couch. Sat you down. Knelt in front of you like he was praying.
“This baby… It’s not an accident. It’s us. It’s proof we’re supposed to be together. After everything I put you through, after I almost lost you… This is how we make it right. Ward’s gonna be so fucking proud. The girls are gonna lose their minds. They already love you. They’ll love this.”
He reached for your stomach. Hesitant. Palm flat against the flat plane. His hand shook.
“Our kid won’t grow up like I did. No yelling. No bullshit. Just… us. Safe. Together.”
Tears slipped down your cheeks. Silent. You didn’t wipe them away.
He saw them. Misread them, maybe. Or didn’t care.
“I know you’re scared. I’m scared too. But we can do this. I’ll take care of everything. Doctor’s appointments. Money. All of it. You don’t have to worry about a thing.”
You opened your mouth. Closed it. The words stuck.
“What if I don’t want…”
He froze. Hand still on your stomach.
“Don’t say that.” His voice cracked again. Not angry. Pleading. “Please don’t say that. Not yet. Just… think about it. Think about how good this could be. How much better I’ll be. For you. For them.”
He leaned in. Kissed your forehead. Soft. Lingering.
“I love you. I’ve always loved you. Even when I fucked it all up. This… this is our second chance.”
You sat there. Numb.
He stood up. Pulled out his phone. Already texting.
“I’m telling Ward. And our friends. They need to know. They’ll be so happy for us.”
You watched him type. Watched the messages send. Watched the little dots appear almost immediately.
Your phone buzzed in your pocket. You didn’t look.
You just sat there.
Staring at the spot on the floor where his knees had been.
Feeling the weight of something you couldn’t name settle deep in your chest.
Something final.
Something you hadn’t chosen.
But something you were already carrying.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You met them at Sophia’s house because it felt safer than anywhere public. The living room smelled like vanilla candles and fresh coffee. Sunlight cut through the big windows and landed in sharp rectangles on the white couch. Mia had brought muffins. Avery kept refilling your water like that would fix anything.
They were smiling when you sat down. Real smiles. The kind that made your stomach twist worse.
“So,” Mia started, tucking her legs under her, “how are you feeling? Like, actually feeling? The group chat is already losing it over baby names.”
You stared at the muffin on your plate. The blueberries looked too bright. Your throat felt tight.
“I’m not keeping it.”
The words dropped into the room like a stone in still water.
For a second, nobody moved. Sophia’s hand froze halfway to her coffee cup. Avery blinked slowly, like she was trying to replay what you just said.
“What?” Mia laughed, nervous. “Come on. You’re joking, right?”
You shook your head. Your hands were shaking, so you pressed them between your knees. “I’m not ready. None of this… none of it feels right. Rafe and I are still so messed up…And now there’s a baby? I can’t bring a kid into this. I feel so guilty even thinking about it, and I’m scared. I’m really scared.”
Sophia leaned forward. Her voice was soft, careful, the way people talk to someone on the edge. “Babe, I get that you’re overwhelmed. Pregnancy hormones are crazy. But this is a good thing. Rafe’s been trying so hard. He’s different now.”
“He’s not different,” you said. Your voice cracked. “He’s the same. And I’m not ready to be someone’s mom. I can barely take care of myself when he’s… when things get bad.”
Avery reached over and touched your arm. “We’re all here for you. We’ll help. The whole group will. This baby could be what finally makes him stable.”
You pulled your arm away. The touch felt too heavy.
“You don’t get it.” Your heart was pounding now. The vanilla candle suddenly smelled sickeningly sweet. “I don’t even remember that night clearly. I was so drunk. I said wait. And now I’m pregnant, and everyone’s acting like it’s this beautiful second chance. It’s not. It’s a trap. I feel trapped.”
Mia’s face changed. The soft concern hardened into something sharper. “Okay, that’s not fair. Rafe told us what happened. You were into it. You went to the guest room with him. You can’t rewrite it now just because you’re scared.”
“I’m not rewriting shit!” Your voice rose. You hated how loud it sounded in the bright, pretty room. “I’m telling you the truth. I’m terrified of raising a kid with him. He’s literally a drug addict!”
The word exploded out of you.
The silence after was worse than the shouting.
Sophia’s eyes went wide. Avery looked away, cheeks flushed. Mia stared at you like you had slapped her.
“Jesus,” Mia whispered. “You really just said that?”
You were breathing hard. Your hands wouldn’t stop shaking.
“It’s true. He does coke all the time. He gets paranoid. And now you all want me to bring a baby into it? What kind of mother would that make me?”
Sophia’s voice was quiet but edged.
“He’s been clean for weeks. He’s going to therapy. Ward even said he’s proud of him. You’re acting like he’s so fucked up when he’s trying to be better for you. For the baby.”
“He’s not fucking clean,” you snapped. “He just hides it better when you’re watching.”
Avery stood up suddenly.
“This is fucked up. We all saw how broken he was when you left. He was crying to us. And now you’re pregnant, and you want to… what? Get rid of it? After everything we did to get you two back together?”
The words hit like ice water.
You looked at each of them. The people who had lied about Rafe not being at the party. The ones who kept pushing drinks on you that night. The ones who told you this was fate.
Guilt and rage and fear tangled so tight in your chest you couldn’t breathe.
“I can’t do this,” you said, quieter now. Voice raw. “I can’t bring a child into this. I’m not ready. And I don’t think I ever will be with him.”
Mia shook her head. Tears in her eyes. “You’re being selfish. That baby is innocent. And Rafe… he’s going to be devastated. You have no idea what this will do to him.”
The room felt too small. The sunlight too bright. The vanilla candle cloying.
You stood up on shaky legs.
“I need to go.”
None of them tried to stop you.
But as you walked to the door, you heard Sophia’s phone buzz. Once. Twice. Then three more times in quick succession.
You didn’t have to ask who it was.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Your phone started exploding the second you left Sophia’s house.
It vibrated nonstop in your pocket the whole drive home. You didn’t look. You already knew. By the time you pulled into your driveway, the screen was flooded with missed calls from Rafe, Mia, and Avery. Text after text.
Rafe: answer ur fucking phone (4:56 pm)
Rafe: you told them you want to kill my kid???
Rafe: after everything ur really doing this to me???
You turned it off and went inside.
The knocking started softly at first. Polite. Almost hesitant. Your mom answered, voice muffled through the door.
“Rafe? Honey, what’s going on?”
You heard the low rumble of his voice, calm, measured. “Can I talk to her? Please. It’s important.”
There was a pause. Your dad appeared in the hallway, arms crossed, watching. Your mom stepped aside. Rafe walked in slowly, hands in his pockets, shoulders hunched like he was trying to make himself smaller. His eyes were red, his hair damp with sweat, but his face was composed. Polite smile for your parents. The perfect Kook boy.
“Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Y/L/N. Sorry to show up like this. I just… need a minute with her. If that’s okay.”
Your dad glanced at you. You stood frozen in the living room doorway, arms wrapped tight around yourself. He nodded once. “Upstairs. Door open.”
Rafe gave a small, grateful nod. “Thank you.”
He followed you up the stairs without touching you. The hallway light buzzed overhead. Your bedroom door creaked when you pushed it open. He stepped inside after you. Closed it most of the way, not all the way, respecting the “open” rule, but enough that voices wouldn’t carry downstairs clearly.
The second he faced you, the mask slipped.
He turned. Locked eyes with you. The polite smile vanished.
“You told them,” he said. Voice low. Controlled. Barely above a whisper. “You told our friends you want to get rid of my kid. And you called me a fucking drug addict.”
You backed up until your calves hit the edge of your bed. “Rafe-”
“Shh.” He held up a hand. Not aggressive. Just firm. “Keep your voice down. Your parents are right downstairs. We’re not doing this loud.”
He stepped closer. Slow. Deliberate. You could smell the faint chemical edge on him, coke, fresh. His eyes were glassy but focused. Calculating.
“You have no idea what you just did,” he continued, still quiet. “The girls are blowing up my phone. Telling me you’re scared. Telling me you’re not ready. Telling me you think I’m gonna be a shit dad because I’m… what? A drug addict?”
He laughed once. Soft. Bitter. No humor.
“I’m trying. Every day. For you. For this.” His hand moved toward your stomach, not touching, just hovering. “And you go behind my back and tell them you want to kill it? That’s cold. That’s really fucking cold.”
You swallowed. “I said I’m not ready. I didn’t say I was-”
“You said it.” His voice dropped even lower. Almost a hiss. “You said the words. And now they’re all texting me like I’m the problem. Like, I forced this on you. Like I’m the one who’s dangerous.”
He took another step. Close enough, you felt the heat coming off him.
“I didn’t force anything,” he whispered. “That night? You wanted me. You pulled me into that room. You kissed me back. You wrapped your legs around me. Don’t try to spin it now just because you’re scared.”
His hand finally touched you, palm flat against your stomach. Gentle. Possessive.
“This is ours,” he said. “God gave us this. You think He makes mistakes? You think He’d put a baby in you if it wasn’t meant to be?”
You tried to step back. He didn’t let you. His other hand came up to the side of your neck. Fingers curling lightly into your hair. Not pulling. Just holding. Keeping you there.
“I’m not gonna hurt you,” he murmured. “Not like that. Not with our kid inside you. But you need to understand something.”
His thumb brushed your jaw. Slow. Almost tender.
“If you try to take this away from me… if you go to a clinic, if you make an appointment behind my back… I will lose it. Completely. And I won’t be quiet about it. I’ll tell everyone. Your parents. Ward. The whole fucking island. I’ll tell them you’re unstable. That you’re trying to kill my baby because you hate me. That you’re the one who’s dangerous.”
His eyes searched yours. Wet. Pleading. But the grip in your hair tightened just enough to sting.
“And Ward?” He leaned in. Breath hot against your ear. “Ward already knows. I told him the second your friends did. He’s furious. Not at me. At you. He said we’re handling this the right way. He’s already talking to lawyers. Prenatal custody stuff. Visitation. Support. He can make your life hell without ever raising his voice.”
He pulled back just enough to look at you again.
“But I don’t want that,” he whispered. “I want us. I want our family. I want to be good. For you. For the baby.”
His hand slid down to cup your cheek. Thumb wiping away a tear you hadn’t realized was there.
“So here’s what’s happening,” he said. Still quiet. Still calm. “Tomorrow you’re coming to the house. Ward wants to talk. He’s already got the guest house ready. Full doctor coverage. Money for whatever you need. But you’re staying there. With me. Until the baby comes. After that… we’ll figure it out. Together.”
You opened your mouth.
He pressed his thumb over your lips. Gentle. Shushing.
“Don’t say no yet,” he murmured. “Think about it. Think about what happens if you fight this. Think about your parents downstairs. They already let me in. They already know about the baby. They’re not gonna let you do something stupid.”
He leaned in. Forehead resting against yours.
“I love you,” he whispered. “Even when you hate me. Even when you want to hurt me. I still love you. And I’m gonna love this kid so much it scares me.”
His hand stayed on your stomach. Warm. Heavy.
“But if you try to take it away… I won’t survive it. And I won’t let you walk away clean.”
He stepped back slowly. Dropped his hands.
“I’ll be outside in the truck,” he said. Voice back to normal volume. Polite again. “Whenever you’re ready to talk. No rush.”
He turned. Opened the door wider. Walked downstairs as if nothing had happened.
You heard him thank your parents again. Heard the front door close softly.
You sat on the edge of your bed. Breathing shallow. Scalp stinging. Stomach churning.
Downstairs, your mom called up quietly.
“Honey? Rafe said… he said you’re pregnant?”
The silence stretched.
You didn’t answer.
Your phone buzzed once.
Rafe: I meant what I said. I’ll wait. (5:31 pm)
Then another.
Ward: We’ll see you tomorrow at 10. Don’t be late.
The screen went dark.
You stared at it.
The house felt smaller than ever.
And the weight in your stomach, the one you hadn’t chosen, felt heavier than Rafe’s hand ever could.
…….
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So just so we're all clear ICE straight up murdered that woman in broad daylight and the government is calling HER the terrorist
So just so we're all clear ICE straight up murdered Renee Nicole Good in broad daylight and the government is calling HER the terrorist
So just so we're all clear ICE agent Jonathan Ross straight up murdered Renee Nicole Good in broad daylight and the government is calling HER the terrorist

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Hi, I was wondering if you know about a fic?
It was a reverse clan AU, and Neteyam and Lo'ak were ash people. It was both of them x reader. I refreshed accidentally, i checked tags but I cant find it🙏🏻
hey, i've read something similar! here's the link: https://www.tumblr.com/pandoraslxna/806109798650265600/little-flame-chapter-1
if this isn't it then let me know and i'll try my best to look for you!
Tumblr is a place to express yourself, discover yourself, and bond over the stuff you love. It's where your interests connect you with your
daily reminder: fuck ice. fuck ice agents. fuck trump. and fuck you if you support them.
yayayr
𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁 Neteyam x Reader
𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗮𝗿𝘆 Neteyam and you had grown up together, had sharpened each other like two arrowheads. You thought that meant everything, until you see Ka'vina has taken your place.
ᶜʷ cannon divergence, misunderstandings, nudity, slight sexual innuendo, angst (happy ending)
ʷᶜ 11.1k
Despite the high stakes, hunting always brought you a sense of peace.
There were repetitive motions that you followed for every hunt, ones that felt as familiar as breathing at this point in your life.
Every hunter must remember first scan their area, they must be familiar with the routines of the yerik packs, must be aware of where palulukan reside and hunt, must be wise to acknowledge the territory that the angtsìk claim as their own, it is also important that they be wary of the path they take home for nantang’s are known to try and steal a clean kill when the opportunity arises.
Next the hunter must track, keeping everything listed prior in mind. If the yerik tracks stray too close into palulukan territory, the hunter should retreat. If the hunter stumbles into angtsìk grounds, they must remember to show no fear.
Once the hunter has safely tracked a yerik, they should remember to watch their footing. To step lightly, and avoid sticks, leaves or other flora that can alert the yerik that something is around. It is best to find an angle that allows you to stay hidden, a clean kill from a concealed location always fills your chest with pride.
When the hunter is concealed they can then nock their arrow. A slow pull on the bowstring minimizes noise, and leads for more time to correct your aim. But a skillful hunter can nock, draw, and release an arrow before the yerik can even raise the defensive fans that sit upon their heads.
A true aim leads to a clean kill. A spoken prayer to Eywa, sending the yeriks spirit back to hers. And thanking the yerik for its sacrifice, for feeding the clan, and providing precious materials in the form of hides.
Finally the hunter must decide on if they will haul the entire yerik back to the home tree; or if they will only take the most valuable cuts of meat, and the largest spans of hide to carry back and leave the rest for other forest creatures to feast on.
You rarely chose to leave any of your catch. Years of training left you strong, you could easily haul your kills home. It did not matter if it left an ache in your shoulders, or if a twinge settled in your lower back.
As you approach hometree you begin to wonder if you should have at least taken a bit of the breast meat. You knew it was Neteyams favorite, and it would be a good way to show him not only your hunting prowess, that you are attuned to him. That you see him.
It is a nice thought. To court someone you have been pining after most of your life. But then you find yourself too close to hometree to dismount the yerik from your shoulders and you chuckle at how much your mind wandered on the way home.
You make your way through the clan, greeting people as you make your way to the carvers. They would slice the hide from the yeriks body and hang it to dry before cutting up your kill into as many satisfying, equal portions as possible to be prepared for the cookfire tonight.
Mou comes to greet you, “Thank you taronyu.” He grabs the yerik from where you’ve placed it. “Do you wish for a specific cut? Perhaps you would like some of the hide?”
It was traditional for the carvers to ask if the hunter would like a specific piece of their kill. But that would also take away the significance of offering a piece of meat as a courting display.
“I do not wish for it. You know you do not have to ask me that every time I bring you a kill, Mou.”
He laughs at you, finding your blank tone amusing, “It is tradition.”
“It is stupid. Have I ever asked you to do this for me?”
“No, but one never knows when ferocious hunters like you may grow lazy.”
Mou tosses a grin over his shoulder as he hauls your kill away and towards the group of waiting carvers. He was never one to take your brazen demeanor as rudeness, he knew you spoke your mind and let your feelings be known even in uncomfortable situations.
You scoff at him as you leave. As if you would ever become lazy. How could he have the audacity to even think of such a concept?
The clan is bustling as you shift through; children are running around with their wooden toys, singers are practicing the ancient songs, there are bigger hunting parties returning with their kills, even the weaving circle is louder than usual.
It brings a slight grin to your face, seeing the people happy makes you happy. You had more than enough time to take a quick nap, and then head to the river to wash up before dinner would be served. Maybe if you skipped the nap you could take your beloved ikran out for a flight and wash at one of the hot springs that sparsely resided in the Ayram Alusìng.
Yes.
That would be nice, it could ease the tension in your shoulders.
It is settled. Instead of heading back to your kelku, you pivot to climb up hometree. The ikrans rest at the highest level, but you’ve been climbing almost as long as you’ve been walking so you would reach it shortly.
As you arrive at the base of hometree and start to find some solid footing a call of your name comes across the clearing. Your eyes close, a sigh heaving through your lips. With a turn of your head you survey the area, you know the voice, and have heard it almost everyday since she learned how to speak.
You spot Kiri weaving her way through the clan, her hand raised in a beckoning motion. “Come search with me for some paywll.”
“They are far Kiri. We will not arrive back before the cookfire starts.”
She is face to face with you now, her tail undulates as she speaks. “You have never minded missing a bit of the cookfire.”
Your lips purse, a crease forming between your brows in mock debate.
“Please.” Kiri grasps your hand before turning around and tugging you behind her.
Laughter bubbles uncontrollably out of your chest, “Kiri – Wait! I have not said yes yet!”
“You would have said yes regardless, now come. I will carry the gourd now, you may carry it back when it is full.”
You were only supposed to be txantxewm, lingering over her shoulder to shoo predators away. Now she wants you to work too! Unbelievable.
It’s hours later when Kiri and you approach hometree again. You’ve ended up carrying not only the gourd filled with medicinal liquid, but also the leaves of paywll, which are packed into a basket that rests on your hip.
You pass the cookfire on your way to the Tsa’hiks kelku. It’s lively as ever; drums are being beaten creating a tune for the singers to perform to, there's a group of clan members dancing, and the younger members have begun to section off into groups.
Kiri is half a step in front of you, excited to drop off the items her grandmother requested and finally be done with her Tsakarem training for the day. You allow your eyes to skim over the faces, searching for Neteyams, you’d like to know where you should move to after you deliver the materials to Mo’at.
It takes you a few moments to find him. He’s settled all the way across the gathering, surrounded by other young hunters, a few climbers and weavers as well. He normally sits on the edge of the group, saving space on one of his sides for you. You’re unsurprised to see he’s flanked by Fay’ru, the other male trying to get into the future Olo’eyktan’s good graces.
You’re unable to conceal your look of shock at Ka’vina sitting on Neteyams other side. She has never joined your group before, always softly tucked into the weavers circle or sitting with her sister where the singers congregate. You school your expression before someone can see you trying to dissect Ka’vina from the inside out.
Neteyam had always rejected anyone from closing him in. He would kindly redirect them towards another seat, reminding them that he had saved his closest friend the seat they had just tried to sit in.
Neteyam was a strong warrior, a strong hunter, and as his father would say he has a ‘backbone’. So there would be no reason for him to allow her to sit in your spot.
But he was of age, in his prime years.
He was strong. He filled out his body well in recent years. He gained some of his fathers unnatural width. His old armbands no longer fit, having to become bracelets or being stored away for his future children. His cummerbund also barely fit now, but he refused to part with it until it absolutely no longer fit.
He was kind. He took on responsibilities of other clan members when he could see them struggling. He helped the elders with carrying their baskets, he had even carved them walking sticks to steady them on their paths.
He was the youngest hunter to ever get a clean kill on a sturmbeest. Very few of the current hunters had prowess that rivaled his. He frequently led the younger hunters when they went out, making time to help them hone in on their skills.
Neteyam also frequented the training grounds, not for his own skills. He had been bestowed the honor of training new warriors. Of teaching them the ways of the Omatikaya, making sure they had every required skill to complete their Iknimayas.
Ka’vina was a stark opposite.
She spent most of her time around hometree, never venturing out into the forest unless accompanied by a warrior.
She weaved many things. Tewngs, chest coverings, chokers, bracelets, armbands, cummerbunds, bowstrings, baskets, hammocks, floor mats. The list could continue on and on.
She was knowledgeable of healing herbs, the best spices to use on meats at the cookfire, aware of how to properly prepare some tough to handle roots and fruits for consumption as well.
However she was naive.
You knew she did not know how to hunt. Did not know how to skin a yerik, how to aim at a herd of sturmbeest; you were not even sure she knew what animals were aggressive and which were kind.
Her hands were soft, not even calloused with the countless hours spent weaving. You didn’t think she even wielded a bow. Hardly believed that she knew a knife could be used to do anything other than chop roots. It showed how simple her life was, how different she was from Neteyam. How different she was from you.
Then it dawned on you. Neteyam must be courting her. As they say ‘opposites attract’ and her softness would be a perfect compliment to the firm hand he would come to lead with.
A piercing feeling shot into your chest.
You’ve been following Kiri silently this whole time. She had glanced back at you occasionally, mostly to make sure you were still following her, but she could tell you didn’t want to speak based on the carefully crafted expression on your face.
Mo’at greets you as you duck into the tent, on autopilot you respond.Then you’re asking her where she’d like the gourd and the basket, placing them down with a delicately crafted care before bidding your goodbyes.
“I will join you at the cookfire shortly.”
“Ah. I will be heading home.” You shake your head, the beads braided into your hair clacking with the motion. “Let me know if you require aid harvesting more herbs. Goodnight Kiri, Tsa’hik.”
With sudden, jerky motions you duck back out of the tent. You can hear Kiri protesting, trying to encourage you to at least pick up a niktsyey before heading home. It’s pleasant to know that she cares, but you don’t think you could face Neteyam so shortly after your realization.
Unfortunately you have to walk past the cookfire again to reach your kelku, it being on the opposite side of the village from the Tsa’hiks. You were a skilled hunter, a warrior when needed, and you knew how to camouflage, how to avoid being seen.
Taking a steadying breath, you head more towards the forest, where it would be easier to blend into the flora. Easier to slip past your friends. Easier to avoid the new reality you’d have to live in.
You’re only a few steps away from rockier terrain when a five fingered hand grasps your wrist. Whipping around you come face to face with Lo’ak.
He’s grinning, clearly happy to catch you and hinder you from heading home, “Come, I need your support in an argument with Vor’lan.”
He doesn’t listen before starting to drag you towards his friends. What is it with these Sullys and refusing to wait for an answer!
“Lo’ak. I am tired, I have been out all day.”
“That is fine. It will be quick, and you can have my last niktsyey as payment.”
You scoff, “No. I have not had time to wash, I do not wish to be around people.”
“My friends do not care.” He turns to face you briefly before continuing to drag you, “To be fair, they will probably still drool over you.”
“Lo’ak!” An incredulous gasp tears from your throat.
A boyish laugh leaves him, “It is true! So do not worry about the smell, just back me up okay?”
In reality you could dig your heels into the dirt and yank your wrist free of his grasp. You were still stronger than him, your muscles more taut, more prepared to fight back than his. But the soft spot in your heart reserved for the Sully kids aches. So you allow him to drag you to where his friends reside at the cookfire.
You allow him to shove the niktsyey into your palm, along with a carved up filled with something that he definitely should not be drinking. The food and drink loosen you up, allow you to relax a little bit, to find a way to enjoy the company you’re in.
When Lo’ak retells his story about the tslikllte he caught, all of his friends doubt him. No one believing he saw one of the creatures this far inland. But then he’s looking at you, “She was there, tell them! Tell Vor’lan specifically how I bested it.”
You take another swig of your drink, swishing it around your mouth as you decide how much to talk up Lo’ak. “I was not there when Lo’ak stumbled upon it.”
“Hey! You so wer -”
“Hush. When I arrived you were already wrestling the poor thing.” You gulp down a few more sips before beginning to swirl the drink around in your cup.
You’re barely helping Lo’aks case and he has to defend his honor, “I had thought it to be dead already!”
“Any skxawng should know that they can hold their breath. Nevermind that does not matter. I have never seen a grip as strong as Lo’aks.”
His friends are leaning in closer now, staring intently at you, the expressions you make, the way your eyes flit over each of them.
“The tslikllte are coated to make them slick, and yet, Lo’ak never faltered. He managed to keep it in his grasp even as he removed a hand to retrieve his knife.” You begin to rest against the log everyone had gathered around, knowing that your job was done and you can fall into a nice limbo until you retire for the night, “The taste was like nothing I have experienced before, I couldn’t be happier to have tried it.”
Their conversation flows freely after that. They talk about climbing tomorrow, which mountains are best, where they can get the best views, or the best ones to try tricks on their ikrans around. It then flows to why they chose the colors that decorate their arrows. It ebbs briefly into relationships, and who’d they’d like to court after completing their dream hunts. It takes a turn into how some of them would rather mess around with many people before settling and that brings a chuckle to your tongue.
The conversation had been settled into which piece of a sturmbeest was best when it suddenly goes quiet. All eyes are focused behind where you and Lo’ak sit and would make you nervous if you weren’t such a strong warrior; scratch that, it would make you nervous if you did not have so much of the fermented drink settled in your belly.
You’re about to open your mouth and ask what has everyone staring when there's abruptly hands on your shoulders. The voice that follows sends a shiver of rigidity down your spine.
“What are we talking about, hm?”
One of Lo’aks friends speaks up, “The best part of a sturmbeest.”
“Ah, it is easily the thigh.” Neteyams hands begin to lightly massage your shoulders, feeling the tension that formed, “You do not mind if I steal her, right?”
It was a rhetorical question, and everyone knew it. You may have loved Lo’ak, willing to do almost anything he had asked. But you were still Neteyams closest friend, it was a no brainer that you would hightail it out of there as soon as you were asked. Still out of respect, they shook their heads, bidding you a goodbye.
“I am exhausted Neteyam, it would be best if I head back to my kelku now.” You’ve stood to make your point. Turning around to face Neteyam, hoping he did not see the cracks in your composure.
“I will be quick,” He smiles at you, one of the genuine ones that shows his true inner happiness, “ there is someone I want you to meet.”
Oh. You absolutely could not go over there. The stories you knew of Ka’vina were enough to satiate your need to ever meet her.
Neteyam begins to tug you by your hand, as both his siblings had earlier. These damn Sullys and not taking a hint!
This time you dig your feet, you don’t let him drag you towards that woman. Your reaction would ruin your reputation in the clan.
“I really am tired, Neteyam,” You turn to Lo’ak, “Did I not say the same to you before you dragged me here?”
Lo’ak nods, remembering how you had complained hours earlier. He doesn’t understand why you’re denying Neteyam though, he doesn’t think you’ve done that in all his years of knowing you.
“Then I will walk you home.”
He turns in the direction of your kelku, seemingly pleased to just be in your presence after not seeing you all day. You let him drag you a few steps, just far enough that you’re sure his brother and his friends can no longer hear you.
“I wish to walk alone.”
Neteyams tail slows to a still in front of you, his ears flick forward to catch any and everything you say, “...But I have not seen you all day.”
What are you supposed to say? ‘I know, I’ve lived this day as well?’ or better yet, ‘I have seen you, but chosen to not acknowledge your presence as it makes me sick.’ Neither option feels right so you stay silent.
“I wish to walk you home so we can talk.”
“I do not have energy for conversation.”
“You had energy when entertaining Lo’ak’s friends.” Irritation is obvious in his tone, and his tail begins to whip back and forth harshly.
“I was not saying much, just sitting in their presence.” You finally meet his eyes, trying to drive home your point, “Just let me walk by myself tonight, please.”
The disappointment settles heavily on Neteyams features as he comes to terms with the fact that you will not allow him to do this, he grunts some noncommittal reply before heading back towards his friends who remain at the cookfire.
You should have left after that, stomped your way to your kelku, grabbed a nice warm pelt, and tucked into your hammock. Instead you watch Neteyam through the crowd, eyes following as his figure settles back onto the log, and he allows Ka’vina to settle into his side a bit more than is considered friendly.
The stabbing pain settles back in your chest. It pulses a bit the longer you watch but it does not matter anymore. You would have to fall into a new routine in the morning, sure that Ka’vina would not want you close to Neteyam as they start courting.
Before you know it four eclipses have passed and you’ve successfully avoided Neteyam for all of them. You hunt early in the mornings, leaving before most of the hunting parties have even woken up for the day. You return with your kills lighter than normal, taking enough meat to satiate yourself until the next day.
When you complete your duties you take to flying. Not the usual routes that the hunters would take, or the ones that the warriors would patrol around, just drifting with the wind patterns. Your face ends up windburnt from how much time you’ve been spending up there.
If your head isn’t literally in the clouds, you take to climbing. The hobby wasn’t your favorite, and that’s what made it the perfect diversion. You could head back out to the forest, finding a good tree to observe Eywas beauty from. Sometimes, you’d just climb hometree, heading all the way to the top to give your ikran some special treatment.
Regardless of how, you strayed from your normal paths. If you avoided them, Neteyam shouldn’t be able to track you down. And hopefully he would get the point, would understand that your paths were unwinding from each other, that they were branching off in different directions for the first time.
It hurts to avoid him. But it was better than facing him. Better than seeing him with Ka’vina. Better than watching their love flourish, and hearing the gossip spread about what a perfect pair they make.
The fifth day starts like the rest. You wake, change your tewng and chest piece, eat some fruit you had foraged the day before, slide on your knife holster and knife, and toss your bow across your back.
As you emerge from your kelku a sense of loneliness sits in your chest. You missed hunting with your friends. Missed fooling around with them at the cookfire. Missed accompanying Kiri on her foraging. Missed doing stupid shit with Lo’ak under the guise of being a responsible figure. You really missed Neteyam.
Missed flying with him. Missed hunting with him. Missed training with him. Missed indulging Tuk with him. Hell you even missed rebraiding his hair.
But your heart can only take so much. The images of him with Ka’vina flow freely into your head, reminding you of why you needed the distance, of why you needed to become a ghost in your own home.
A shout of your name halts you in your tracks. The Olo’eyktan has one of the most noticeable voices in the whole clan. You take a deep breath before turning to face him
“Good Morning, Olo’eyktan.” You raise your hand in the traditional greeting, “What can I do for you?”
Jake greets you back, “None of that formal shit kid,” then he’s yanking you into a hug. Your arms wrap sheepishly around his back, uncomfortable with the gesture due to the state of your and Neteyams relationship.
“You can say no, but Neteyams a little tied up at the moment so I was hoping you could train the young ones for a little while?”
As if you could say no to the Olo’eyktan. Jealousy claws at your heart, Ka’vina has Neteyam so busy with his courting that he can’t even tend to his duties?
“Of course, I will head there now.”
This would be good. Your friends would probably be there, and it could solve your loneliness problem, maybe you could even get a few good spars in and disguise them as ‘training demonstrations’. A skip finds your step on your way to the training grounds and for the first time in many eclipses you feel excited.
A small part of you hopes that Lo’ak would be there, that he’d force you to go on an adventure with him after training. And you could ask to bring Kiri along, satiating most of your need to hang out with the Sully kids.
You can’t think about the Sully kids without including Neteyam. You want to reminisce about happy memories, want to think about all the future good memories to come, but then Ka’vina inches her way into your mind. The image of them together at the cookfire, sitting too close for comfort.
But you won’t see them, they’ll be too busy taking strolls through the forest. Or maybe they’re flying their ikrans in spirals around each other. Perhaps they were climbing through the ayram alusìng, going higher and higher until they reached the alluring hot springs.
It’d be preferable to not think about the way Ka’vina would undress.
Would she save her modesty and undress after submerging, hoping that her loincloth and chest covering would dry before they emerged again? Or would she make a show of it, slowly unclipping her chest covering, slowly dragging it down to reveal her breast. Would she move onto the loincloth and make a show of that too?
And Neteyam. Would he watch, become so enticed with the show that he couldn’t avert his eyes? Or would he be the gentleman he was raised to be, letting Ka’vina undress and submerge in the warm water, allowing the steam time to curl over her body before finally turning around and entering the spring himself.
Oh Eywa, you were going to be sick. Why would you torment yourself with such thoughts?
A few steadying breaths flow into your lungs. The nausea is still present, but you know once you start teaching that it will subside for good.
You see the familiar shape of Tal’kren. He is performing on the archery targets, taking them from odd angles and showing off to the young ones before their lesson begins. You nock an arrow and wait, deciding when the best moment would be to make your presence known.
Tal’kren takes aim and you eye his stance to figure out which target he is aiming at. You determine it must be the target woven between many trees, the one nearly 100 meters away, farther than any of the young hunters could even dream about reaching.
You let your arrow soar just milliseconds after his does. From the angle everyone is watching from they cannot see your arrow trailing his. Tal’kren’s arrow sinks into the bullseye of the target with a satisfying thump.
Your arrow splits his a millisecond later with a much more satisfying crack. Fifteen heads start turning, searching for who released the arrow.
“Pxi kan, taronyutsyìp,” Tal’krens voice rings out. Finding you much before the trainees did.
You smile, laughing, “I am not little, just taronyu is fine.”
Tal’kren claps a hand on your shoulder before bringing you in for a hug. As you pull back, he keeps the hand on your shoulder “I assume you are my partner for today?”
“I am,” You want to show camaraderie, and encourage the trainees to cultivate similar relationships so you make no move to remove his hand from your shoulder. “The Olo’eyktan has asked me to step in for the foreseeable future.”
The young trainees murmur excitedly; your name is one that is usually spoken in soft whispers so for you to join in on their sessions for a while seemed like a blessing from Eywa. They could complain, wishing it was you and Neteyam training them, that they could have both of the best future warriors teaching them.
But they normally had Neteyam, had spent months learning from him and Tal’kren. Now they could learn your ways, and they could learn how to make their own unique style based on the two of you.
Days pass like this. The trainees soaking up your knowledge. Letting you adjust their stances, pull their strings more taught, sharpen the arrowheads that dulled from constant use.
Today you’re standing face to face with Opani when you hear the familiar timber of Neteyams voice. Your ears flick in annoyance, because of course Neteyam had to show up, but then you’re focusing on the young warrior in front of you.
Looking down towards the target you can see she is off, leaning more left than she should. It may be because of your proximity so you chide her gently, “Adjust to the right, if you were to take the shot now you would not hit a kill shot.”
She exhales roughly through her nose, you believe it to be from nerves and not irritation so you do not scold her. Then she shifts, leaning slightly more into your personal space. As she releases the arrow you hear Neteyam’s voice again.
This time you flick your head to angle it over your shoulder. Where was he? Why did it sound as if his voice was getting closer?
Beside you Opani releases a shout of joy, and that forces you to face front again. She's already staring at you, jumping a little from excitement. Flicking your eyes to the target you can see she hit the bullseye perfectly.
You ruffle her braids, giving her some words of encouragement before telling her to go retrieve her arrow and try again. After she runs off you redirect your attention in Neteyams direction.
You must be off your game, any skilled hunter should be able to differentiate from all current sounds around them. Yet, you somehow managed to miss Ka’vina’s voice. Seeing her renders you motionless; Your ears press against your skull, your tail falls flat, eyes drifting over every piece of her.
It takes you a few moments to notice Neteyam is in front of her, his back to you. They assume the same positions you and Opani were just in. It feels different this time though.
With you and Opani it was obvious that you were teacher and student. With Neteyam and Ka’vina it seemed as if it was a date. Instead of their movements being out of necessity, they had a sensual tone to them.
Neteyam uses his hand to raise Ka’vinas elbow higher, he watches the arrowhead carefully to make sure her aim is true. She turns towards him, saying something that you can’t hear.
You can see how he raises his fingers to grasp her chin. He tilts it back towards the target, encouraging her to always keep her eyes where her arrow is aimed.
The feeling that settles in your stomach makes you disgusted with yourself. They’re a well suited couple. Anyone with eyes could tell you that. They would make a good Olo’eyktan and Tsa’hik.
A good couple to lead the Omatikaya.
And here you were, upset at their presence. Upset that they were falling into love in the public eye. Upset that Neteyam hadn’t even told you he was considering courting Ka’vina.
You wondered which piece she wore was Neteyams courting gift. Was it the bracelet, the deep brown twine, mixed with blue and green beads that match her skin and the tones of the forest?
Or was it the choker, lined with polished river rocks lining her collarbone?
You couldn’t let your mind linger any longer. Couldn’t allow it to make you detest your closest friend.
So you find Tal’kren, alert him of some sudden illness you’ve come down with, and leave for the day. You could rest, and allow your mind to drift to other things. It would be smarter to head to the Tree of Souls. To make an honest prayer to Eywa for her to help you move on.
She would help you, but you weren’t sure if you wanted to let go yet.
You wanted to seem more alluring, something to attract attention at the clan gatherings. Not that you were actively seeking a mate, but it would be nice to see who is interested. Nice to see how many options you had, if any.
You knew you were rough around the edges. Knew that you spoke harsher than most liked. That your hands were rough from years of use. That you had nasty scars littering your body. That you had more muscle than the typical lithe Na’vi woman.
And you knew it had to make you less desirable. That the men must have wanted someone easier. Someone who thought before they spoke, and chose their words carefully so you could fall upon them like a pillow instead of a rock.
But that does not mean that everyone would dislike you, there has to be someone in the clan who sees your beneficial qualities. Someone who you could live your life with.
If there wasn’t you would prefer to know sooner rather than later. To decide if you should seek out a mate from a different clan.
So you seek our Kiri. A skilled weaver, knowledgeable in the proper herbs to stain cloths, and good company.
You had decided on a nice deep red. It was a color not typically worn by the Omatikaya as it did not blend in with the forest fauna - therefore it would draw the most attention.
“So, I have not seen you around the gatherings much.” Kiri drawls, keeping her head towards her weaving but angling her eyes to see you.
Your fingers don’t stop their meticulous patterns, “I have been there. Just last night I ate with Lo’ak.”
“Yes, but you skip at least 4 cookfires a week.”
“I tire easily, you know of my many duties.”
Kiri scoffs, but decides against responding. Her silence allows you to pick up a new bead, weaving it onto the side of where the cloth will hang. You’ve decided on white beads, and silvery polished river stones. They compliment the red well, they will also bring more attention to your waist, clacking and clashing with every step.
You decide on a symmetrical look. Two braided strands on each side. The farthest one shorter than the one that rests closest to the cloth. It will look nice.
Will it matter? Will the males of the clan really focus on the little details or only focus on what rests underneath?
You knew Neteyam would notice, that he would mention that the symmetry helped your internal equilibrium. Helped keep you centered in the rough moments. Not that you couldn’t function if your garments were asymmetrical, but he knew you were always a hair more sure of your aim.
But you were not wearing it for him. So what he thought did not matter. However this left you with a good idea on what to focus on when approached. Knew what you wanted to hear, and what you did not.
As you tie off the last bead on the tewng a sense of accomplishment falls upon you. You gaze upon your work lovingly; proud that even though your hands are rougher than the weavers, you can still produce a good piece.
It’s during your admiration that Kiri speaks again, “I require more twine.”
“The great mother has bestowed you with two legs and two arms, you can go retrieve your own twine.”
“I will fall out of rhythm, and then who knows how long it will take me to complete this piece.”
Your sharp words never phased Kiri, never shoved her away. You guessed it was good enough reason to go and retrieve more twine from the weavers circle.
As you stand and begin to pad away, you can hear Kiri shout some sort of thanks and you lift your hand in acknowledgement.
You were aware of many women in the weavers circle. Most of them are siblings to people you’ve hunted with, some girls you grew up with, others were elders who taught you how to weave at the beginning of your life.
A polite, simple greeting would do. You could say hello as you’re reaching for the twine. Exchange niceties, as you unspool the amount you guessed Kiri needed. And unsheath your knife and cut the twine before any deep conversations began to form.
You keep your head down as you reach for the twine and greet the circle. Everyone murmurs a similar greeting back and you are content to leave it as that. They know why you are here and do not need to indulge in conversation.
“Ma’numeyu, how have you been?” Rinak is speaking, drawing your eyes up from where the rest. She taught you how to weave when you were just a babe, toddling around camp looking for things to do.
“I have been well, and you Rinak?”
“I am also well numeyu, but I am disappointed that you have not eaten with me in many moons.”
You unsheath your knife, angling it safely to tear through the taught line of twine, “I am sorry. I will eat with you tonight if you will have me.”
“Of course I would.” Rinak chuckles, as if amused by the idea that she would shun your company away.
You smile back at her, pleased with how easily this has went. You have not run into Ka’vina or any of her friends, and have not had to exchange fake niceties with them. This will be counted as a win in your book.
But then you turn, ready to stand and head back to where you and Kiri have been hanging out as you weaved. And there, at the far side of the circle rests Ka’vina. Sitting knee-to-knee with her is Neteyam. He is weaving something, what you cannot tell, but Ka’vina is intently studying it.
Neteyam is looking at you though, his head tilted as if he is curious, and his hands only loosely grip his work. It is as if he is hunting; his eyes remain wide even after he blinks, not wanting to miss any movement from his prey.
You meet his eyes, frozen in place from his gaze. It would be improper to run, but it would be too awkward to walk over and say hello at this point. The tension grows around the circle, other members slowly noticing the way that the two of you are staring at each other.
The tension snaps like a bowstring when Ka’vina tugs on the piece in Neteyams hand. His eyes bolt to hers, ears flicking forward to catch every word that she says. That is your moment to move, so you run with it.
One of your hands raises as you bid everyone good weaving and goodbye. You force yourself to maintain a normal pace, not wanting Neteyam to see you run away. For him to know how openly you despise choice.
Upon returning to Kiri, you silently drop the twine, pressing a hand to her shoulder in greeting as you pass. She does not speak however, simply tying the two pieces together so she can continue working on her piece.
You’ve tucked your knees to your chest, resting your chin on them as you stew in your thoughts. Kiri must have known about Neteyams chosen one by now. Ka’vina must have been formally introduced to the Sullys, and therefore Kiri. And Kiri was the best judge of character, if she were to say Ka’vina was a good pick, you would believe it.
A whispered call of her name leaves your lips. You hope she misses it. Hope that it blends in with the pleasured yelps of the children, or the distant roars of the ikrans, even the chatter of the passing group of hunters.
But it does not, and Kiri responds much louder than you would like.
“What is it?”
“What are your thoughts on Ka'vina?” You can feel her eyes boring into the side of your head, but you refuse to look at her.
“She is a good weaver.”
This is common knowledge, Kiri must know you do not care about it. “What else?”
“If she did not wish to weave, she could easily join the singers.”
She must be egging you on. Wanting you to expose what you really feel before she says anything. You would think that a hunter as skilled as yourself would have more patience. You snap all the same, falling right into Kiris trap, “Yes. I know this. Everyone knows this. I want to know what you think about her deeply.”
“I think she is a good person. That she has many skills to help around hometree, and is known to assist the children and elders, but is unwise when it comes to other tasks.” Kiri is still staring at you even as she finishes her piece, “Why do you ask?”
You could not tell her the reason. Even if she sensed it, it would be wrong considering that Ka'vina was to be her sister. It could be worked out, where had you seen Ka'vina? Where had she piqued your interest?
“She has come around the training grounds recently and I could not think of why.” Finally you let your eyes drift to Kiris, hoping that there are no emotions swirling in your amber pools, “It makes sense with what you said. She needs to become fluent in many skills, not just a few.”
Kiri stares at you, eyes flicking over your face. Then to your ears, and briefly to your tail. Trying to assess how you feel internally from your body language. When she senses no showing of a lie a smile graces her face.
Then she's tossing the piece she crafted into your face. You grab it before it can slide and meet the dusty ground. As it rests in your palms you notice the red, white, and polished river stones that accent it.
“I made it so you could have a matching set tonight.”
At that, you gape at her. She had gone through all this trouble for you?
“Well don’t just look at me! Do you like it?”
“Yes, very much. Thank you Kiri.” You’ve stood now, crossing the small clearing to toss yourself onto her as a full body thanks.
“You skxawng get off of me!”
The two of you tousle a bit, acting like children getting into their first scuffle. But then you are off of her, and running in the direction of your kelku to get ready for the cookfire tonight.
It is almost eclipse, which means you have enough time to change slowly, put your braids up in a different style and meander your way back to the center of hometree.
On your way back Tal’kren calls for you. He must have also stopped at his kelku before heading to the cookfire.
“Hello Tal’kren, how were the trainees today?” You call back over your shoulder, refusing to stop for him, but walking at a slower pace nonetheless.
“They were fine. No more rowdy than usual. Though they listened les-” Tal’krens voice trails off, and when you turn to look at him he is already staring at you, “What are you wearing?”
You’re approaching the cookfire now, but you still choose to indulge him, “It is new, how do I look?” You give a childish spin, showing all angles of your new outfit.
You can feel more eyes than just his as you sit and wait for a response. But it is not worth searching for who is staring at you when you have a perfectly fine archer right in front of you. If you’re lucky he will say something that will make you believe he has more going on in his head besides arrows, bowstrings, and bows.
“It is very sevin,” Tal’kren gulps, a light shade of indigo coming to his cheeks and the tips of his ears, “You are sevin.”
It was not the best compliment, but you would not deny that it made something flutter in your stomach. It was nice to be seen as something other than a txantxewm taronyu.
“Thank you Tal’kren.” You begin to walk towards where you know Rinak likes to sit, “I will see you after I have eaten, yes?”
“Yes. I will be with some of our other friends over here.” He gestures in a general direction, not moving until he sees you nod in acceptance of his words.
The night moves smoothly from then. You talk with the elders, inform them of the current happenings of your life, what new herb you decided you liked on your meat. They in turn spoke about other things you may enjoy, what fruits could enhance the flavor of certain meats, special herbs only the most skilled climbers could eat.
It was nice to speak with them, to gain some wisdom, but it was even nicer sitting around with people you knew.
First it was Lo’ak. His group sat between Rinak and Kiris groups, and he had made fast work of snagging your arm as you passed by. They indulged you in more fermented juice, happy to provide whatever you desired to keep you with them.
You missed the way that Loak's young friends eyed you. Missed how their eyes traced over your chest covering. How they seemed to stop at every bead, or rock, that dimpled the pattern. He had said they ‘drooled over you,’ but in your eyes they were just children, and there was no way they’d be interested in you.
Then Kiri and her group came to join. She had said something about how it was ‘Forbidden to hide from her’ when she crafted you such a beautiful piece. Her friends eyed your new cloths with jealous eyes. The color combination was something they had not considered to be allowed.
You still ignored their gazes. Knowing they mostly wanted to know what weaving pattern Kiri used, and what herb was used to dye the clothes and twine. Not that they cared about you as a person or the body that rests underneath the cloths.
There was a good mix of people, the feeling of the group never becoming tense or uncomfortable. There was currently an exchange of the bravest, most death defying things they had gotten away with.
You had decided that was your time to go join Tal’kren. If you heard too much about what Lo’ak or Kiris friends got up to, you would feel the need to implore them to be safer. So you asked them to top off your drink before you headed off.
As you approach, only two pairs of eyes flick to you. The first being Neteyams, it would seem as if his eyes followed you the entire way from across the fire, but that would be a silly thought. Especially considering Ka’vina was still pressed closely into his side.
The next is Tal’kren. He grins widely as you get closer to where he rests on the log. Already moving to rise before you even fully reach him, “Would you like to sit?”
“It is fine, may I brace my back on your legs though?” You did not wish to have the rough bark mar your skin.
He plants his feet a bit away from the log, steadying them before nodding, “Of course.”
Their conversation is equally as lively as the other groups. Once again discussing trick shots they have taken during sturmbeest hunts.
They first discuss the ones that do not count. This only means they got scolded for it after as it did not result in a kill, was reckless, wasted resources, disrupted the formation, or all of the above.
Once the group had ran through those, they switched to ones that did count. Ones that ended in a kill, clean or not. These were much more important, as the elders would try to scold you, but they had rarely any footing because the clan was still fed.
The only person who could not produce a story was Ka’vina, and it did not bring a sense of pity to your chest. Instead it just reminded you how different she was. Even if she did participate in the hunts, would she want to engage in such activities? What did she even consider fun?
You’ve been avoiding where she and Neteyam were sitting. It was not against them, but you were unsure of how you would act, and you preferred to keep this night enjoyable.
So when someone grasps your bicep and yanks, you are shocked. Before you even have time to identify who it is you’re being tugged backwards.
“Hey-” You stumble over a rock, nearly falling to your knees before you regain your composure, “Just wait a second!”
“I will not.” Neteyams voice is gruff, like he had to force the words through clenched teeth.
You’re furiously pulling your arm now, the cookfire is glowing dimly in the distance, and you cannot believe the audacity of this man. “You will!”
With that final motion, you are able to tug your arm free. And you spin rapidly to face Neteyam, appalled at his actions.
“What was that?”
“It was necessary.”
“By Eywa, in what world was that necessary?”
Neteyam does not grant you a response. He stands in front of you, huffing a little bit with his eyes towards the ground. His ears flick at every sound, and his tail lashes aggressively behind him.
“You are a grown man, and I know your tongue has not been cut out, so speak.”
His eyes meet yours briefly before softly uttering, “They were looking at you as if you were a piece of meat.”
“I cannot understand mumbling Neteyam,” When he doesn’t make any move to speak again you turn to leave.
“I said they were looking at you as if you were a piece of meat.” The last words spit from his mouth like acid, like they physically pained him to say.
“So what if they were?”
“They should not do such things.”
“Why is that?” You come close to him. Because of the height difference you still have to peer up at him, but you hope your intimidating presence is enough to cut him down a bit, “Why should they not look at me?”
“It is unbecoming of a hunter. They should know better.”
And you laugh, right in his face. “Unbelievable. You are truly, unbelievable Neteyam te Suli Tsyeyk'itan.” Then you stalk off, rushing in the direction of your kelku, hoping you can make it in and tie the flaps shut before the tears run down your lashline.
One would think they would want to spare the feelings of someone they grew up with. That they would find a way to soften the blow, not make the impact harder.
If he found you so undesirable, why could he not find another way to say it?
The winds flow freely through your hair. You had unbraided it, wishing to wash it before braiding new beads and feathers into it.
You’re flying on your ikran, heading to one of the hot springs you’ve been aching to dip into for weeks now. Your favorite one rests inside a cave on one of the mountains.
There is just enough space for your ikran to land, truly hiding the space from anyone who doesn’t know it exists. However it also meant that you could never know who’s inside without entering yourself.
But you had left long after the clan had settled for the night. Only the embers of the cookfire remained, and you passed many sleeping members of the clan on the way up hometree. There was no doubt that you would be alone.
You step slowly into the space, admiring the bioluminescence that lit up the cave. Stripping quickly you almost dive into the water with your haste. The hot water instantly releases some tension in your shoulders.
There are natural ledges around the border of the pool, you find one and take a seat. You’ve been very busy recently and deserve the chance to relax.
Before you can get too comfortable you take to scrubbing your scalp. The goal is to remove any dirt, dust, or grime that may have gotten caught up in your tightly wound braids. But that quickly switches to giving yourself a scalp massage.
The motions are nice. They would be even better if it was someone else completing them however, you were not a complainer. You’re unsure how long you sit there for, but you’re sure enough time has passed that you can scrub away at your body now.
Any caked on grime or blood, has become soaked through with the warm water. It slides off your skin easily, showing the vibrant blue shade underneath. You begin to feel more like yourself again, as if you’re shedding your old skin and coming into a new one.
When you turn around, eager to retrieve your waterskin and change positions you're faced with another body. You must have mistaken the sounds of someone else entering the spring with the sounds of your own splashing.
You scoff, “What are you doing here?”
“It is a free hot spring.”
“Yes, but should you not be getting your beauty sleep?”
“Shouldn’t you?”
All the tension you felt leave your body came back. You had specifically came so late as to avoid any of this. Why couldn't Eywa give you a break, just this once. With a deep breath you shut your eyes tightly, and let you head fall against the border.
You would not allow Neteyam to bother you. You have waited many moons to come here, and you would leave when you were ready, not because you were forced out.
Soft ripples distract you from where you’ve let your thoughts drift. Your ears snap to attention, trying to discern if the ripples are moving closer or farther from your location.
Your eyes shoot open when you realize that Neteyam is moving closer to you. “What are you doing.”
You do not pose him a question. You speak the words like a warning, giving him the chance to turn back.
“I am coming deeper so the water may reach my shoulders.”
“Go to that side of the spring then. Do not come closer.”
For a moment you think he will continue moving towards you. That he will attempt to cage you in against the wall and himself, but he moves to where you told him to go. When he gets there you expect him to stay silent.
You have nothing to say to him, nothing nice especially after the cookfire a few nights ago. And whatever he has to say to you, you do not wish to hear.
Minutes tick by in silence. It is not comfortable, some may even say it is suffocating, most would leave. You got here first however, and you refuse to vacate when you came under such perfect conditions to be alone.
Let's be realistic, there were plenty of hot springs he could have picked, why did he come here? He could have left after seeing you already submerged! Quietly backed out, and climbed upon his ikran to find another spring.
The thought irritates you more. It makes you grind your teeth, the anger beginning to simmer in your chest.
“I wish to talk.”
Neteyam had said those same words to you forever ago, when this all began. They had meant less than they do now, but you still feel the same way.
“I do not.”
“Well, we must talk. There is no other wa-”
When you open your eyes, you find Neteyam already staring at you intently, “You cannot force me to talk with you. You are not Olo’ekytan yet, and you do not command me in hunting parties, therefore I do not take orders from you.”
He softly calls your name. If you didn’t know any better you would assume there is a quiver to it, a bit of unsureness. But that would be a silly thought, and you promptly will yourself to stop thinking it.
Suddenly Neteyam is moving closer again. Slowly but surely moving into your side of the spring. When he reaches the halfway point you raise your hand slightly, muttering a quick ‘don’t’ in warning.
That does nothing to deter him. His shoulders begin to glisten from no longer being submerged, droplets cascading down his arms and clavicles in rivulets that remind you how thirsty you had been just a few minutes ago.
Oh Eywa! What were you thinking? As you get your thoughts back under control Neteyam shifts ever closer. His body comes to rest just a few feet in front of yours. Slowly inching closer, truly trying to cage you like an animal.
“I said to not come closer.”
“And I said we need to speak.”
He thinks you will just sit here? Allow him to force you into speaking? Believes that your nudity embarrasses you enough, that you will allow him to speak?
There is some space between the cave wall and the border of the pool, and if you angled yourself properly you could follow it the entire way back out to where your tewng and chest covering rested. And if you called for your ikran as you were dressing you could be back to hometree within the half hour.
It is decided.
You scooch backwards, using your arms to lift up onto the ledge. It is then that Neteyam finally stops.
Neteyams eyes flick over your body. Your chest, where your nipples have begun to peak in the cooler air, the water that drips down your navel, the way your hips look without the tewng covering them. He does not speak, but an indigo tint falls on his cheeks, rises up his neck, and also hits the tops of his ears.
You stand, wringing out your hair so it does not drip on you as you fly. Pointedly ignoring Neteyams presence, but when he does not continue in his harassment you turn your eyes towards him again.
He is flustered, that much you can tell. At first it makes you a little happy, knowing that you actually do have an effect on him. Then you remember Ka’vina, and the feeling leaves.
“Oh you are disgusting!”
Neteyam sputters out of his trance, “What?”
“Staring! At an undressed woman. Alone! Especially when you are courting another.”
“Oh, yes, yes, sorry.” Then he avoids his gaze, focusing on the water directly in front of him instead.
“Wait.” His eyes raise back to yours, “My courting?”
“Yes. With Ka’vina.”
A disbelieved laugh leaves his lips, “I am not courting Ka’vina.”
“There is no need to lie. I will not tell her about this.”
“I am not lying.” He rises a bit more, grabbing your hand, “Come back in and I will explain.”
You laugh at him, “I am not going back in there with you.”
Eyes flick back towards the entrance of the cave, remembering your earlier plan. The urge to execute that plan comes back. The urge to suddenly be tucked into your woven mat with pelts submerging you in warmth, stronger than anything else.
As you’re debating your escape plan Neteyam sneaks up on you. He places a hand on your thigh another on your waist, and hauls you back into the water. You hiss, smacking his chest.
“You cannot move so rashly!”
“I would like to know how you came to the belief that I was courting Ka’vina.”
You try to thrash a bit. To use the slickness of the water on your behalf, but Neteyams grasp is unrelenting. He does not let you move an inch.
When you try to at least sit down, he still does not let you move. “I will not speak until I can rest.”
“You must lean back then. It would be unpleasant to sit directly down.”
It is then that you realize you are on Neteyam's lap. A flush adorns your face now, realizing the predicament that you’re in. But his grasp still isn't letting up, so you lean back on your haunches. Carefully maneuvering to avoid any unwanted touching.
“Now explain.”
“I saw the two of you at the cookfire, a few moons ago.”
“Yes, I was integrating her into our group.”
“Because you were courting her,” Your hand raises to cover Neteyams mouth, if he wanted you to explain he would have to hear it in entirety before trying to contradict your words.
“I only realized because she had taken my spot next to you. And then the two of you at the training grounds, the way your hand lingered on her.” You move your palm from covering his lips to grasping at his chin, the same way he had done to Ka’vina.
Tossing his head to the side you continue, “Then you were with her at the weaving circle. You had allowed her to critique your work, allowed her to undo the knots and braids you had worked on. You don’t even like to weave.”
Neteyam is peering up at you, his lashes fluttering lightly, “May I speak now?”
You nod, not trusting your voice anymore.
“I was around her because she needed help completing her iknimaya, many of the other karyus have tried and she has failed many times.”
“Her iknimaya?”
“Yes, her other karyus were too rough, they did not attune to her learning style.” One of his hands begin to travel up and down your side, “I was involving her with our friends so she could have other people to lean on.”
Your eyes stray to the side, embarrassment creeping up your spine. But Neteyam keeps staring at you, “She needed help with archery for her dream hunt. And I needed help with weaving. I wanted to make something beautiful, that would last, that could withstand harsh weather, and harsher movements by the wearer.”
The hand moving up your side travels up, ghosting over the side of your breast, and lightly settles on the side of your neck.
“It was a mutual exchange of skill.”
Your embarrassment at misunderstanding makes you snap at him, “Yes, I understand that Neteyam.”
Your voice comes again, lighter and nicer this time, “You do not desire her, even slightly?”
“Not even slightly. What else would make you think that?”
“She is soft.”
Neteyam mulls over your words. Ka’vina is soft, her body is soft, her words are soft, her weaves are soft, the way she aims her bow is soft, so he agrees, “Yes, she is soft. But I do not want soft.”
“Why?”
“Because no one knows me like you. No one can anticipate my movements like you. They cannot hit flying targets as well, and they do not like to sharpen their arrows so they pierce their kills more efficiently. I have wanted it to be you since we were children, since my parents explained the concept of a mate to me.”
“That is stupid. You were too young to understand then.”
Instead of being upset at your misplaced anger, Neteyam just smiles. Then his lips curl into a smirk, “May I kiss you?”
“May you… what?”
“Kiss you.”
Instead of answering you lean forward and press your lips to his. You’re motionless, and it’s awkward. But then Neteyam begins moving his lips, opening them slightly and tilting his head to deepen it.
Before you know it your hands are pressing against his face, trying to memorize the feel of him after months of not being close. You finally pull away when you start to feel light headed. Your eyes are hazy darting across all of his features as you greedily suck in air.
You lean back in. This time Neteyam licks into your mouth, he tastes like the smokiness of the meat that was served at the cookfire tonight. It’s something you believe you could get used to.
This is something you think you could get used to.
You’d do it anywhere. Here in the hot springs, back in your kelku, in Neteyams kelku, out in the forest, hell you’d even do it at the training grounds if Neteyam wanted.
Truthfully, you’re a bit mad at yourself. How long could you have been doing this for if you had just spoken to him? How much farther could you have gone? It did not matter now, and you clearly were not the best at thinking through scenarios.
When Neteyam leans back again you nearly whine. The fact that such a noise wanted to emerge from your throat shocks you. What was this man doing to you?
“Would you like to see what I was weaving?”
You’re lightly panting, allowing your tongue to lave over your swollen lips. “What?”
“What I was weaving with Ka’vina -”
“Do not mention Ka’vina when you just had your tongue in my mouth.”
Neteyam laughs, “I will not, but she did direct me in perfecting your courting gift,” His grip lets up a bit so that he can begin caressing you softly, “It is over with my tewng. If you will still have me.”
“Of course I will still have you, do not make jokes.” You stand, grabbing Neteyams hand, and suddenly you’re tugging one of the Sully’s around. “I am excited to see what you have made for me.”
“It will fit you well.” He kisses you one more time, acting as if he would not get the chance to after he bestows the gift upon you, “And then everyone will know you are mine.”
A realization dawns on you. The other night, Neteyam had not been mad at you for crafting a new loincloth and chest covering. He was mad at your comrades, your friends, for eyeing you in such a way, “You were jealous the other day?”
“Very much so. They were just looking at you, not seeing you.” Another peck, “I see you, that is why I deserve to court you.”
You laugh. It is a soft sound, one of the only soft things you can identify about yourself. And you don’t allow the hard parts of you to bring you down. Don’t allow them to make you insecure about how you would fit with Neteyam. He likes you as you are, and that is enough.
Forehead nuzzling to his, you repeat his words, “And I see you.” Unable to resist, you kiss him one last time before making a demand, “Now let me see my gift.”
Neteyam laughs ever amused at your personality, but he does not voice any opposition. He would continue to feed into you for as long as the two of you shall live if it meant he got to see your grin. Got to see your fangs peek out over your bottom lip, and your nose scrunch up in delight.
Yeah, Neteyam was exactly where he wanted to be.
Translations: Yerik - hexapede Palulukan - Thanator Angtsìk - Hammerhead Titanothere Nantang - Viperwolf Taronyu - Hunter Ayram Alusìng - Hallelujah Mountains Kelku - Home/House Paywll - Water plant Txantxewm - Terrifying Tsa’hik - Spiritual Leader Tsakarem - Tsa’hik in training Tewng - Loincloth Niktsyey - Food wrap Tslikllte - Mudcrawler Fish Skxawng - Idiot, Moron Pxi kan, taronyutsyìp - Sharp aim, little hunter Taronyu - Hunter Numeyu - Student Sevin - Pretty
a/n: i wrote like 7k words straight on this. i really hope yall like it. if u find anything i should be warning ab please lmk!
Dividers by @cafekitsune
Likes/Comments/Reblogs give me butterflies ʚїɞ
help me. please.
i've been searching for a neteyam fic for a total of 3 hours. i accidentally refreshed my feed and lost it😩 it was neteyam and reader and it starts off with her and kiri doing their training and they get to hometree and neteyam is talking to another girl and he tries to walk her home but she says no she's tired and wants to walk by herself, and turns to loak for validation💔💔 PLEASE I WAS SO INTO IT 🫰🏾🥹
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tis the damn season
★ summary: the road you swore you’d never take again leads you back to steve, right back to your hometown. it always leads to him.
★ pairing: ex!fiance!steve harrington x reader
★ warnings: 18+ mdni, smut, angst, arguments, jealousy, illusions to cheating but none actually, toxic relationship traits (just as a treat) ,car sex, semi public sex, unprotected sex, p in v, oral, rough sex, breeding kink, size kink, dirty mouth steve harrington, CANON big dick steve harrington
★ word count: 13.8k
★ notes: we are a week behind. no we’re two weeks behind 😁 pretend it’s christmas!!! find my steve masterlist here!
The Holidays rolling around always left a bad taste in your mouth, the subtle shift in the seasons trudging up memories you’d rather leave dead and buried. Instead, the moment the air chilled and the leaves began to fall, you were thrown back into the highlight reel of the best times of your life that now hurt with every breath you took. He still haunted your once-shared apartment; the city echoed his name wherever you turned. Even when he moved back home, you couldn’t face it. Avoiding spots you frequented together was easy. You could lose yourself in the city lights. Going back to your small hometown, you shared with him?
Not easy, not in the slightest. Small towns chewed you up and left you for dead. Everyone would associate you with him, and the risk of seeing each other was the highest it’s ever been. Your friend groups overlapped, all of them no doubt hating your guts. You could see it now, their faux empathetic looks, the glares of disgust being sent your way. The girl who dragged her fiancé to a big city, only to leave him in the dust behind her, unknowingly.
This was all you could dread while standing on your childhood home’s front porch step for the first time in a year. You tried not to think about a year ago when your left hand was heavier and your smile wider. Instead, you mustered up a pathetic smile, welcoming your family with open arms. Praying to drop the topic that was your personal life, which surely wouldn’t last as long as you’d hope.
The first crack came at dinner that night, your mother pulled out all the stops, a roasted chicken with all the sides. Before you could finish your plate, she cleared her throat loudly.
“I don’t wanna say much. But you need to know that I saw Steve at the grocery store the other day with all those kids. His parents left town again, so he’s all alone in that big house.” If she saw you flinch at the sound of his name, she didn’t address it.
“Thanks for the heads up. And the pity party attempt, mom.” You managed to get out, dropping your fork. Your appetite now undoubtedly ruined.
A few moments of silence passed before Mom took that as an opportunity to keep going. “You know they’re still family to you. They’d love to see you. I’m still planning on bringing them a pie. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without-”
“Mom, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t.” You snapped, pulling the chair out more dramatically than you should have.
“Y/m/n.” Your father sighed, pleading with his eyes for you to stay. “Let’s change the subject, shall we? How’s work been?”
Thankful for his diversion, you managed to get out some basics about work. The simple generic small talk. The only thing you could stomach. You just had to get through the next week, and everything would be fine. Right?
Word of your arrival in town spread like wildfire; you knew it would the moment someone drove past your parents' house and saw your car out front. The first person to call came as a surprise, your mother holding out the kitchen phone for you. None other than Robin on the line. The last time you spoke to her, you were choking back sobs, screaming at her to tell you where Steve had gone.
The night your life fell apart in front of your eyes was nearly 6 months ago. After 8 months of an engagement, the two of you decided to move, Chicago, calling your name. A fresh start, not too far from home. A place away from the expectations that lingered above his head, the ghosts that haunted underneath the town. You told yourself it was just stress from the move, stress from Steve having a hard time finding a job he loved. You convinced yourself that the distance that had grown between you two was normal. Wedding planning had been put on hold, simply trying to get through each day at a time. You weren’t in the city for 2 months before it came crashing down in front of your eyes.
It was a normal day, until it wasn’t. You came home from work, your home absent of the joy it used to bring. In the same kitchen he used to pick you up and spin you around in, he sat against the table. Illuminated by nothing but the city lights peering in through the window. Your keys hitting the bowl on the counter echoed through the still house.
“I can’t do this anymore.” He said, no pleasantries, no welcome home. Five words that tore open your chest, leaving you gasping for air.
“What?” You laughed because what else was there for you to do? Shock had taken over your body, feet glued to the spot. Overcoat still on, work bag dangling from your arm.
“This. Us.” He spoke through clenched teeth, tears staining his cheeks. “I can’t keep sitting in this apartment day in and day out, alone. Contributing nothing. You’re gonna end up hating me. If you don’t already.”
The bag slipped from your arm with a heavy thud. Rushing over to him, standing across from the table. “What are you talking about? Where is this coming from?”
“It’s been coming for a while, Y/n. We both keep dancing around it. I see it, you’re stressed out, pretending you’re not carrying me behind you like deadweight,” He sniffled, “I’m a fuck up, an embarrassment. Everything my dad said, I would be.”
You reached for him with shaky hands, knees falling to the floor beside him. Pulling yourself into his lap, holding his hands in yours. “Stop, stop.” You demanded, “I have never seen you like that. Ever. Steve, your father is an abusive piece of shit. Who cares what he thinks? It’s only been a few months; it’s going to take time. Everything is going to work out. I keep telling you that, and I believe it.”
“I see myself like that, and I can’t unsee it. Day in and day out, I’m here in this city, alone.” He shook his head, barely responding to your begging him to look at you, to hold you back. To pretend he wasn’t okay with all that you built to slip through his fingers. “Yeah, we were bored at home, but this is the alternative? Being alone in a city that doesn’t care if I exist.”
You scoffed. “We didn’t leave because we were bored. We left because we deserved better. Because after everything you’ve been through, after everything we’ve been through, we earned a fresh start.”
“And what if this fresh start is killing me?” He laughed, a horrible, dry laugh from the depths of his chest. His body rattles against your hands.
Your breath stutters. “You don’t mean that.”
“I do.” He admitted, the air around you two changing. Your hands slipped from his, still sitting back on your knees in front of him. He still barely looked at you, content to stare at the wood grain on the table. Committing the pattern to memory.
“So what, you want to move home?” You asked, the walls still smelled like fresh paint. The cardboard boxes you two procrastinated on throwing out lingered in the guest room. There hadn’t been enough time to make it home, the training wheels were still on.
“We can..” You sighed, rubbing your face. “We can maybe sublet the lease until it’s over. I don’t know. We have to see if there are even any places for us to rent back home.”
He turned in his seat, his eyes finally meeting yours. You could see his heart breaking on his face, and you knew. Something bone-chilling washed over you, nearly forcing your body flat on the floor.
“You don’t mean us, do you?” You managed out, tears already welling in your eyes.
His head shook, moving towards you. Joining you, knees aching on the floor you once rolled around in joy on.
“I love you,” he says, voice breaking. “I promise I do. This isn’t me walking away because I stopped loving you.” His hands gripped yours for a second before you yanked them away.
“Then don’t do this. If you love me, don’t leave me.” You sobbed, “If you loved me, you’d stay, or let me come with. I don’t care where we are; I want you. It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”
He reached for you again, his touch burning your skin.
“I have to,” he whispers. “Because I can feel myself holding you back. You deserve the chance to love this city the way you’ve always wanted to. I don’t belong here. I know I don’t. But you do. I’m not cut out for this life. Not this place, not this constant fight to prove I’m worth something. But you are. You shine here. And if I stay, all I’ll do is make you smaller so I don’t feel so lost.”
“So you go back alone,” you said, incredulous. “Back to the same streets, the same expectations from your father, the same ghosts?”
He gestured helplessly at the room, at the life you’d hauled here with too much hope and not enough certainty. “Better that than I stay here, pretending I belong.”
“You’re really going to throw this away?” You asked, tears streaming down your neck. “You’re going to throw away all the years between us because you won’t give it a few more weeks?”
“I can’t give you the life you deserve here.”
Your chest aches. “I don’t want this without you.” His thumb rubbed over the ring on your finger, a choked sob escaping your chest. You remembered the day he proposed, the reminder of the happiest day of your life turning bittersweet in a matter of minutes.
“I know,” he says, his own tears falling freely now. “And that’s why I have to let you go before I turn into something you resent.”
You sniffled, “If you walk out of that door, Steve Harrington, I will resent you. I’ll never forgive you for giving up on us, for walking out like a coward.”
He flinched at your words, understanding he deserved it. “Don’t think I’m giving up on us for nothing, I’m doing this for you.”
Then his hand falls, the space between you unbearable, a chasm building between the two of you.
“No,” You shook your head, a laugh tearing out of you like a mad woman. “You’re doing it because you’re scared. You let your father’s words get in your head, now you’re letting them ruin your life.”
“You don’t understand, and that’s okay.” He gave you a weak smile, standing up slowly. “But I love you. More than I’ve ever loved anyone before.”
“Bullshit.” You sprang to your feet, pushing his chest. He didn’t move, just stood there taking whatever you’d give him. “You can’t say you love me while you’re actively leaving me. You just don’t wanna marry me anymore? A few rough months and you’re tapping out? That’s not how the real world works.”
“You’re not listening to me,” He seethed, “I am miserable here! I miss my friends; I am alone here with no one but you. If I go home, I have a job with my dad, and you can still live out your dreams.”
“My dreams mean nothing if you’re not here.” You yelled, pushing him roughly again. His hands come out to grip your wrists. “You’re not even fighting for us. You’ve given up.”
The realization hit you like a freight train, stumbling on your feet. “You’ve given up.”
“Y/n..”
“Out.” You sobbed, taking a shaky step back. “You want to leave so bad? Get the fuck out. Run back home to the people who thought you couldn’t do it. Prove them right. End up just like your fucking father. If you want to live and die in that town, don’t let me stop you.”
He knew rationally your words were just your heart breaking, and it tore him apart knowing he was the one doing it. You’d move on, he knew you would eventually. He just wanted you to have the life here you deserved, the one you’d keep him up all night daydreaming about. It just wasn’t going to be with him. So he resigned and walked into the room, grabbing his bags. All you could do was stand there, shell-shocked. Tears streaming down your cheeks. You ignored his goodbyes, waited until the door locked behind him to throw yourself on the floor. Screaming until your voice went hoarse. The next morning, you called Robin, begging her to tell you where he was. She said it was best she remove herself from this, wishing you well. All it took was one conversation, one bad night, and your entire life had crumbled right before your eyes.
Now, as you stood there lost in the memory, you snapped back, hearing her voice on the other end of the line.
“Hello.” She asked, making you blink.
“Hi?”
“Y/n,” Her voice rang out, too cheery. “It’s good to hear your voice. I’m glad you’re home.”
It was awkward, a painful awkwardness that sat in the middle of your chest. Your best friend, the girl you used to tell everything, was now someone you could barely have a normal conversation with.
“Yeah, you too.” You mumbled, squeezing your eyes shut. “I’m not trying to be mean, but did you need something?”
She paused for a moment, “Uh, yeah. I just wanted to invite you to our Christmas party tomorrow. It wouldn’t be the same without you. We miss you.”
The honesty in her voice made your heart ache, but you couldn’t. “I don’t think that’s a great idea, Robin-”
“Steve said it’s fine.” She yelled, and you could hear mumblings in the background. “You don’t have to stay for long, just get some food. The kids really miss you, and so do I, Y/n. We miss our friend.”
You sighed, running your hand through your hair. “I don’t know.”
“Just, Steve’s house tomorrow at 7. Don’t worry about bringing anything. If you don’t come, that’s fine too, just…. Think about it.”
“Okay.” You said, before hanging up the phone. Your forehead banging the wall harshly.
The next 24 hours were spent pacing around your childhood bedroom, nearly burning a hole in the carpet. You could go and be social, see your friends. Fill the gap in your heart that formed the moment you last heard from them. If they hated you, they wouldn’t have invited you. Robin didn’t have a cruel bone in her body. But if you did go and walk into the Harrington household again, you weren’t sure if your heart could take it. It was naive to believe you could come here and not have a run-in with the man, but you didn’t prepare yourself enough for this.
On one of your last paces, you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror. The same mirror you got ready in for your first date with Steve, which felt like a lifetime ago. The mirror you cleaned both of your bloody faces in after the Starcourt Mall fiasco. You let yourself linger on your appearance, no longer recognizing the girl who stared back at you.
“Fuck it.” You grumbled, your voice echoing throughout the empty room. You plopped down, dragging over your makeup bag. You would go, but you wouldn’t be happy about it. Your hands shook the whole time, nearly covering your chin in lipstick. They continued shaking as you drove to the store, picking out the most expensive bottle of wine the Hawkin’s supermarket had. The feeling only got worse when you pulled into the driveway. A black cloud dangling above your head.
The Harrington house was always extravagant, but dull. Lifeless in the way his parents decorated, only brought to life by the love Steve himself made. Today, it looked the opposite of that, with lights lazily strung up on the porch. The soft, warm glow of a Christmas tree peeking in through the front window. You thought back to your own home, where the tree sat untouched in a box in the spare room. What good was decorating if no one was around to see it but you?
You weren’t willing to admit it to anyone, but Chicago was lonely. Steve had it all wrong those months ago; you were only thriving because he was there with you. You were so focused on providing a future for you two that you let him slip through the cracks. The city was big, big enough to hide your sorrows. But what was the point if the city didn’t care if you were there? You hated that he was right, you hated that things happened the way that they did.
Once you had had enough of licking your own wounds, you tumbled out of the car. The wind was biting, soft snow still falling. You made a point not to look at Steve’s car on the way up the drive; you knew that BMW like the back of your hand. No point in ripping off another bandage. When you were face-to-face with the door, you clutched the wine like a lifeline, telling yourself you still had time to run. No one would even know you were here if you spun your tires fast enough.
All of your daydreaming of running away vanished when the door swung open, your hand still up, going to knock on the wooden door. “Y/n?” Max spoke, her eyes wide.
Maybe you should have called, maybe you should have told Robin you were coming. Maybe Robin lied, maybe she didn’t tell anyone you were invited. Maybe you weren’t invited, and Robin was meddling again.
All these fears vanished when Max basically leaped into your arms, wrapping them around your body tightly. You smiled in a way you haven’t in months, cheeks aching from the foreign movement.
“Max.” You breathed out, squeezing the redhead back with just as much vigor.
“Holy shit,” She laughed, her face still smushed in your trench coat, “I didn’t think you’d come. I missed you.”
“I missed you more, kiddo.” The wine bottle nearly fell from your hand when she pulled back. You kept your gaze on her; she had grown so much since the last time you saw her. “God, you’re like a proper adult now, huh?”
She rolled her eyes, taking the wine from your hand gently, “Not old enough to legally drink yet, but Steve said we can get a glass at dinner if we don’t break anything.”
For the first time in months, you didn’t flinch at the mention of his name, too overwhelmed with emotion to even care. “That sounds like him.”
You stepped forward, wrapping your arms around her once more, kissing the top of her head. “I’m so sorry.” It was a quiet admission, one for her only. When everything happened, Max quickly grew to be the little sister you never had. It wasn’t fair for you not to reach out as much, but she was in college now. She had a life outside of Hawkins, just like you; she understood more than most.
“Don’t do that.” She shook her head, “All that matters is that you’re here now.”
You opened your mouth to speak, only to get cut off by a loud squeal of your name. Your head shot up, peering into the house. Within seconds, a hurricane of overgrown teenagers were barreling towards the door. Dustin’s mop of curls was the first to appear out of the doorway, nearly pushing Max aside as he leaped into your arms.
“Jesus assholes!” Max barked, the boys ignoring her as they crowded around you.
Lucas flanked your side, Mike towering over the group, El behind him, while Dustin was squeezing the life out of you.
“You smell good,” Dustin mumbled, making you roll your eyes.
“Thank god you’re here,” Lucas breathed out, “Max has been nonstop talking about you-” He was cut off, no doubt, by a smack from the woman herself.
Mike was rambling on about needing to ask you questions about school, something about wanting to intern at your job.
El had snuck up, her hands tugging at the ends of your hair. “You cut it?” She had a soft frown.
“I think it looks good!” Will spoke up, his arms wrapping around your side.
You were lost in a fit of giggles, doing your best to keep up with all the overlapping voices.
“Jesus, don’t overwhelm her!” Robin had now joined the party on the porch, her hands on her hips. That didn’t stop the kids from talking over each other; they eventually backed off a hair. Giving you time to hug each of them individually.
“Seriously, you smell really good, you look like some rich lawyer.” Dustin rambled, making Mike smack him upside the head.
“Jesus, you’re flirting with her?” He scoffed, “She works in publishing, by the way. Which is why I need to talk to her-”
“I’m not flirting, dude, that would be against bro code-”
You ignored them, wrapping your arms around El, almost picking her up off her feet. “Oh my sweet girl.”
“Y/n, I only spied on you a few times.” She smiled, making you sputter out laughter.
“Jesus, okay. You’re lucky I love you, or I’d have a stern talking to you about boundaries.” You shook your head, the smile hurting your cheeks now.
“Don’t worry, it was only because we were worried. Steve never knew.” Will spoke up, making you wrap your arm around the younger boy.
“Sorry, I worried you guys, really.” You spoke, looking around all of them. Letting your eyes land on Robin. Her hair was longer, and she seemed more sure of herself. More carefree than you remember her.
As if sensing the long-awaited reunion, they slowly shuffled back into the house. Leaving you and Robin alone for a moment.
“Robs.” You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.
“Y/n.” She smiled, tears welling up in her eyes. You weren’t sure who ran to whom first, but the next thing you knew, the two of you were in each other’s arms. Squeezing so tight you could barely breathe, your head was in her neck. Willing the tears not to slip out of your lash line.
“I missed you.” You choked out, her hand gripping the back of your coat like you’d vanish if she let go.
“Missed you more.” She sobbed, her back shaking. “God, I have so much to tell you. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry I picked a side. I promised I’d never do that, but I did anyway. Then I waited too long, and I figured you hated me-”
“I figured you hated me.” A throaty laugh left your chest. Eyes thick with unshed tears.
She shook her head, pulling her head back to get a look at you. “I could never hate you. You’re my best friend. I’ll admit I haven’t been the best one lately, but if you’ll still have me…”
“Robin Buckley…” You sighed, a toothy grin on your face. “I’ll have you. You’re never getting rid of me. Not really.”
“I do hate to cut this reunion short, but I’m freezing my ass off out here.” She said, making you throw your head back in a giggle. She looped her arms with yours, pulling you into the warm house. She helped you hang your coat up, giving the same one over everyone had.
“Dustin was right, you do look like a hot lawyer.” She whistled, making you roll your eyes.
“Please,” You scoffed, “Look at you? I know the girls at Smith are just dying for a piece of you.”
“Well doesn’t matter if they are; Vickie and I are finally going steady.” She grinned, you smacking her shoulder.
“Oh my god? Robin, that’s so awesome.”
“I’ll introduce you when I find her. I think she’s helping in the kitchen. Or in the cellar? I don’t know she’s been nervously running around preparing for today.”
You nodded, awkwardly following behind her into the living room. Nothing had changed in the house, but everything did at the same time. It was evident his parents hadn't been here in a while; it felt lived in. Warm and inviting, a stark contrast to how it was years ago.
Max caught your eye in the kitchen, putting the wine bottle you brought in the ice bucket. You spotted Steve behind her, with his back turned. You darted your eyes away, walking over to the couch where the party was draped over it. A video game console was plugged in, abandoned as they chatted amongst each other. You could only avoid him for so long, but you were going to prolong the inevitable as much as you could.
“So,” You started, plopping on the couch between Lucas and Will. “Tell me what I’ve missed.”
And missed a lot you had. You listened intently as they all told you about their freshman year in school, thankful for the break. Dustin was already a semester ahead at Princeton, go figure. Will and Jonathan had settled down in NYC. Jonathan, you learned, was not visiting until Christmas Day. Too many obligations and not enough time to travel. But his mom and Hopper would be here tomorrow to begin more holiday festivities.
Lucas and Max had just signed a lease on an apartment near Indiana State. Lucas made the basketball team, already gaining traction with recruiters. Mike was a year behind, letting El catch up with her schooling before they went to school near Montauk. Keeping Hopper and Joyce close. In the meantime, he picked up a passion for writing, no doubt why he was asking for pointers on publishing.
“I barely finished my degree, Wheeler.” You admitted, doing school while the world was ending wasn’t ideal, but you made it work. Fresh out of college into the real world, you were still finding your bearings. “But I do have some work friends, I can get some numbers.”
He seemed content with the answer, slinging his arm over your shoulder in a hug once more. It was then that the inevitable happened: Steve Harrington finally sauntered out of the kitchen. His eyes found yours in almost an instant, the room going still.
He looked panicked, his footfalls freezing. You were sure you looked the same, frozen in shock. Your hands fumbling around with your bracelets, something to occupy your shaky hands. Nearly everyone looked away, glancing at each other with nervous eyes. Unwilling to watch the trainwreck unfold. Steve took the first step, his hand coming up in an awkward wave.
“H-hey! Glad you could make it.” He stuttered out, nearly stumbling into the back of the couch. “Thanks for the wine. Do you want a glass?” He spoke too loudly, making Robin wince from behind him. It reminded her of his Scoops Ahoy days, talking too loudly when he was nervous. You stood up on shaky legs, the blood rushing to your head nearly making you dizzy.
“Yeah, I can get it though-”
“No!” He yelled, before running his hands through his hair, “No, I mean. You’re the guest. I can get it.” He was nervous, but in a way that had a pit forming in your stomach.
“It’s okay.” You spoke softly, a tone that used to be reserved for just him. “I’ll get me and Robin a glass. You can’t uncork it right anyway.”
Your words triggered a memory for both of you, one of you catching Steve shoving kitchen scissors into a half-broken cork, in an attempt to pour you a glass for dinner. He ended up pushing it further into the bottle. By the time you got it out, small pieces were floating around in your glass. You drank it anyway, straining out the small pieces with a grin on your face. Except this time, instead of the memory making you laugh, it made your heart stutter.
“Y-yeah.” He grumbled, watching you walk past him with an awkward grin. The moment you set foot into the kitchen, you were taken aback by none other than Nancy Wheeler. She was standing against the stove, stirring a pot.
“Hey?” You spoke, which sounded more like a question.
She jumped, startled by your presence. “Oh, Y/n. Hi.” She gave you a wave, her eyes wide. You and Nancy were never particularly close; you weren’t the biggest fan of how she treated Steve in high school, but you had a lot of respect for the woman. You always considered her a good friend, but something about her standing in Steve’s kitchen made you regret ever coming tonight.
“Nancy. How have you been?” You smiled, grabbing two wine glasses out of the cupboard, muscle memory taking over. But the cabinets had been moved around, you squinted. Before you could lean your head back to ask, Nancy was pointing at the cabinet next to it.
“Wine glasses are in that one,” She spoke absentmindedly, unaware of your spiraling thoughts. “And I’ve been good! Boston is… nice.”
You smacked your lips against your teeth, pulling out two glasses. Grabbing the corkscrew from the drawer. “That’s nice!” Your voice was a little too cheery when you uncorked the bottle, pouring yourself a larger glass than you needed.
“How’s Chicago?” She asked, moving to check whatever bird was roasting in the oven. It was clear she wasn’t interested in awkward small talk, but you appreciated her attempt at it nonetheless.
“Cold.” You gulped your glass, filling it up before setting it back in the ice. “Loud.”
“Yeah,” She laughed, “Sometimes you forget how nice the quiet is until you’re back home. You really can get lost in the city life.”
“Yeah.” You smiled at her, asking her if she would like a glass. She declined, but thanked you anyway. “Well, it’s been so good to see you.”
Thankfully, you found Robin, shoving the wine into her hands. “Think Nancy Wheeler hates me?” You asked quietly, Robin’s demeanor going taut.
She shook her head, taking a drink from her glass. That was all the answer you got from her before she pulled you back into the crowd. You mingled about, still not having caught a chance to meet Vickie. When Robin ran off to find her, you clung to Max’s side like following the light in the dark. You weren’t going to let her slip out of your life again; you weren’t going to let any of them. It was easy to avoid Steve, as he seemed content to step awkwardly around you most of the night.
The tension was unspoken, but everyone felt it. It hangs heavy, just like the mistletoe in the bedroom hallway that mocked you each time someone came out of the bathroom. Memories of the two of you haunted every corner of this town, but this was the epicenter. The home that the two of you shared for months, the party that called you their parents. The house that would be yours the moment his parents decided to finally buy their beach house in Florida.
Maybe this would be easier if you pretended Steve hadn’t branded every part of your body. The tan line from the diamond that sat on your finger for almost a year wouldn’t fade, no matter how much you scrubbed. You both spent too much time in the sun last summer, lounging around the lakeside for days on end. Your hair, he loved, had been cut off, your hairstylist swearing hair held memories. With each snip, you willed Steve to leave your mind, but you instead just found yourself missing the parts of yourself he held in his hands. No matter how many times you changed your style or willed yourself to be anyone else. At the end of the day, you were always going to be his. There was a part of you that would never belong to yourself again.
You turned to your left, and the redhead whom you thought was Max was now replaced by Vickie. The infamous girlfriend who had been running around all night, missing Robin at every turn. You smiled politely, “Vickie, right? Robin’s been looking for you.”
She smiled widely, teeth showing at the mere mention of her girlfriend. “Yes! I was helping with the chicken, then the stuffing, then I had to go in the cellar for wine, but it’s so dark down there, and I’ve just been running around everywhere.” She was out of breath, nervousness rolling off of her. You could see now in startling clarity just how alike she and Robin were.
“No, it’s okay. I’m fully convinced that the cellar is haunted.” You laughed, making her nod quickly.
“Literally! Also, I’m not used to rich people, because why do you need a cellar full of wine in your house? It’s beyond me.” She whispered the first part, making another laugh slip through your lips. That laugh was cut short when your eyes glanced into the kitchen yet again. This time, catching Steve towering over Nancy. His body was nearly caging hers against the counter, his hand steady on the cabinet above her head. It was clear he meant to grab something out of it, but the two of them paused. Caught in the moment. Now you were caught in it too, staring like a fish out of water.
It felt like you were intruding on an intimate moment, the way his eyes gazed down at her. Flicking back from her lips to her eyes. She did the same; it was buzzy. Even from far away, the tension between them radiated around the room, hitting you right in the chest.
“I heard him and Nancy have been close ever since she came back,” Vickie smiled widely, somehow completely oblivious as to who you were. But she caught you staring quickly. It wasn’t her fault; you hadn’t been here when they started dating. Just through the tail end of Robin’s pining. “He moved back home after he broke off his engagement. Real hallmark, you know? Holiday rekindling of old flames that never quite snuffed out, it’s sooooo romantic. Kinda like me and Robin if you think about it. High school lovers-”
Her words made the wine you drank nearly come back up your throat, your eyes still locked on the pair. Tuning out her rambling, you let yourself look at him this time, really look. Steve looked the same, his hair a little longer. Undeniably, there was a spark lit back within him, one you had missed. A wide smile on Nancy’s face as they talked, his head leaned down to hear her better. If he moved down any closer, their lips would be touching. The sheer thought of you having to witness that made you look away, swallowing down bile that had risen.
You supposed it’d make sense for him to move on; it had been months. Nothing was stopping either of you, but something about seeing it. About it being with Nancy, out of everyone. The same girl you’d compare yourself to late at night, the girl Steve swore he’d moved on from. It felt like someone had grabbed a knife and split your chest open.
“Yeah, sure.” You managed, catching Robin’s eye as she walked over. She paused midwalk, staring from Vickie to you, back to Steve and Nancy across the way.
“Oh fuck.” She said a little too loudly, all heads looking towards you all. Steve’s head pops up immediately, his eyes meeting yours. You knew this was a bad idea, a horrible, terribly bad idea. His body moved away from Nancy’s on instinct, but it was too late. Not like it mattered, not like anything mattered anymore.
“Oh my god. You’re Y/n, aren’t you?” Vickie gasped, her hand coming up to grab your shoulder. “I’m so sorry. This is so not how I wanted to meet you, Robin told me to be on my best behavior-”
You cut her off with a wave, “It’s fine. It was really nice to meet you.” You gave her a practiced smile, stepping away from the wide-eyed ginger. “I’m just gonna go to the bathroom.”
Your heels clacked against the floor loudly in the now quiet room, excusing yourself. You chugged down the rest of your glass, setting it on the table before stumbling into the bathroom. Your hand clenching your chest, searching for an open wound that wasn’t physically there.
You leaned against the door, nearly falling to your knees in anguish. It felt childish; you had no claim over him anymore. Time had stretched a chasm between the two of you. But why did it feel like you were being split in two?
You gathered your bearings, letting your hands grip the sides of the sink. Staring back at your reflection in the mirror. “Get over yourself, Y/n.” You all but slapped your own cheeks, psyching yourself up. “It’s fine. Have dinner, then leave. Have Christmas, then go home. You can just leave.”
Within your own psychotic mumblings to yourself, you realized you weren’t any better than Steve, willing yourself to run away the moment things got complicated.
Outside, back in the living room, the tension wasn’t any better. Vickie’s mouth was agape, Robin stumbling to her quickly. Steve was still frozen in place, eyes locked on where you had run to. Nancy simply crossed her arms, shrinking herself into the corner.
“What was that?” Dustin broke the silence, watching Steve slowly regain control of his limbs again.
“Vickie, honey sweetie baby. What did you say?” Robin’s voice was shaky, while Vickie continued stuttering out apologies.
“Um. I just said- I don’t know.” She cried out, “I was just speaking. You know me. I just ramble sometimes, and she was looking at them, so I blurted out something-”
“What did you say exactly?” Steve spoke up, Nancy closing her eyes.
“Uh. I said something along the lines of ‘Wow, aren’t Steve and Nancy so cute? He left his fiancée and is back home with his ex. Like a bad Hallmark movie p-plot.”
As soon as the words left her mouth, everyone in the room winced, “Vickie, sweetheart. Why would you say that?” Robin’s eyes closed.
“I don’t know,” Tears were in the nervous girl's eyes, “I’m so sorry. It’s not my business. I shouldn’t have said anything.”
“Yeah, it’s not.” Steve barked, a little too cruelly for Robin’s liking.
“Hey, it was an accident.” She glared at her best friend, “Don’t blame her for misspeaking when you don’t even know what’s going on in your own life.”
Steve’s face fell, hating his business on display like this.
“Wait,” Mike raised his hand, much like a child asking a question in class. “Are you and Nancy back together?”
“No.” Steve and Nancy both scoffed in unison, the girl still trying to hide herself in the kitchen.
“You guys have just been weirdly close,” he muttered, throwing his hands up in defense.
“Okay, can everyone please get out of my business. Jeez.” Steve said, finally, holding his hands up. “Vickie, I’m sorry. Don’t feel bad. Besides, it doesn’t matter. We’re all adults here.”
“Barely.” You spoke up, your voice making all of them jump. In the midst of the chaos, they didn’t even notice you slinking your way out of the bathroom. Posture upright, as if nothing had bothered you. A part of Steve hated how unbothered you looked, your lack of emotion sat heavily on his mind.
“W-what?” He stuttered, looking at you.
“You guys are barely adults.” You laughed, it was hollow. It didn’t quite reach your eyes, but no one noticed except for him anyway. “Jeez, who died?”
“No one!” Nancy spoke up, opening the oven a little faster than she needed to. “Chicken’s done, can you guys set the table?”
There was a mad dash around the room, everyone wanting to find something to occupy themselves. You found Vickie, wrapping your arms around the still trembling girl, promising her everything was okay. As soon as she steadied her breathing, Robin brought the two of you fresh glasses. You found a spot at the table between the couple and Max. You felt old helping Max pour herself a glass of wine.
“You kids grow up fast.” You grumbled, sliding over the full glass to her. “Let me guess, everyone else wants one too?”
A chorus of ‘yes mom’s’ made you chuckle, a flashback to just a year ago getting called mom at this same table. The bottle was emptied on Dustin’s glass, to which he gave you a playful wink, making your eyes roll.
“How many girls are you wooing back at Princeton with that charm, huh?” You teased, sitting back down in your chair.
“Oh, the ladies love me. I’m irresistible.” He purred, making the others groan playfully at him while sides got passed around. Everyone loaded up their plates, eating amongst quiet conversation.
“God, Y/n, do you remember Tommy and Carol?” Robin asked, in between bites of a roll.
You scoffed, “Unfortunately.”
“They’re getting married. Steve got the invite last week. Twenty bucks says it’s a shotgun wedding.” She laughed.
“Wait, what?” You gasped, “I didn’t even know they were back together?”
“Yup, Tommy proposed on the football field,” Steve added, slowly joining in the conversation. “Think he’s trying to be a good person.”
Robin just cringed, “Proposing on your high school football field to the girlfriend you consistently cheat on?”
“I hate the guy, but at least he’s trying.” Nancy shrugged, not meeting anyone's eyes.
“But that’s total loser behavior.” Max joined in, “If Lucas proposed to me on the basketball court, I think I’d break his ankles so he could never play again.”
Lucas just sighed, “And that’s why I love you so much.”
“I think my dad did a good job proposing to Miss Joyce,” El spoke up with a smile. You remember hearing the news of that, tears prickling in your eyes as Joyce recounted the date he had set up.
“Honestly, that was probably the best proposal to ever happen. Hard to top that.” You raised your glass. While it was honest, a simple nod to the two older parental figures in your life. It didn’t sit right with Steve, the words on the tip of his tongue.
“I think my proposal was pretty good.” He grumbled into his plate, staring intently at the piece of chicken on his fork.
How many times tonight were his words going to pause the room around him? An awkward silence fell once again, the tension rising from the floorboards. One you couldn’t blame on the haunted cellar below your feet. You downed yet another glass of wine. When the clink of the glass hit the table, you realized you shouldn’t have spoken, shouldn't have had that last glass.
And El. Poor innocent sweet El Hopper just kept speaking, “How did you propose?”
You forgot she wasn’t there, still being hidden away by Hopper in the Cabin during all the endless crawls. Murray had apparently spent weeks searching for the exact ring Steve wanted for you. Smuggling it inside an unsealed peanut butter bopper. The ring smelled like peanut butter for days after he slid it on your finger. It fit like a glove. You still felt empty without it, your hand subconsciously going to twirl the delicate band that was no longer there.
Steve’s mouth fell open, his eyes darting to yours. You saved him from the awkward stumbling, giving her the softest smile you could muster. “It was sweet. He took me on a picnic to where we had our first date. Had candles. Robin made us a cake.”
You tried not to let it show just how badly the memories hurt, instead smiling fondly at the table. There was no attempt at hiding your history together here; it bled into every memory. Being together with someone for years will do that to you; your lives are so interconnected that sometimes it is still hard to remember where he ends, and you begin.
“I spilled wine all over her dress, and a bird ate the sandwiches I made while I was proposing.” Steve added, “It was a mess.”
“It was perfect.” You shrugged, leaning over to grab another roll from the bowl. “So Mike, when are you proposing?”
His eyes widen, and he stutters out a pathetic response. Max and El are giggling wildly at each other. Steve hated how well you were at changing the topic, deflecting the attention off of you two so smoothly. Hated how well the two of you worked in unison, in everything you did.
Dinner continued without another awkwardly timed comment, plates clattered as everyone took turns helping clean up. Dessert was cookies Vickie had made, the kids no doubt getting crumbles all over Steve’s overpriced couch. An hour of goodbyes later and the teenagers had scrambled back to their homes. Nancy left with Mike, giving you an awkward one-armed hug. You had all promised to see each other again before the break ended. Whispers of a New Year's Party, but nothing concrete.
All while Steve’s gaze was burning into your back, watching your every move. It made your collar slick with sweat, your hands trembling with bundles of emotions. You needed air and a cigarette. Your effort to sneak out was thwarted by none other than Robin.
“Leaving without a goodbye, Y/l/n?” Robin caught you, your hand still on the doorknob.
“I know better than to Irish exit with you people, I’m just getting some air.” You promised her, two fingers came up to her eyes, pointing them back at you, signaling she was watching. You laughed on your way out, letting the cool air chill your skin.
You walked out to his garage, leaning under the awning. To get away from the porch and prying eyes in the windows. You let your hands shake freely, dropping the nonchalant facade you held up for the past few hours. Letting that sickly sour feeling wash over you again. It was jealousy, anger, sadness, and something else you couldn’t quite place all wrapped around you at once. It was drowning in your own feelings, begging for one drop of air.
“So, about what you heard in there. With Nancy.” That was all he said, the back of your eyes prickling. You didn’t even hear him step outside, let alone stand beside you. You told yourself the tears were just from the cold air, but you knew better.
“If I wanted to know, I would have asked.” You shrugged, “None of my business anyway, is it?”
“It’s not what it looks like.” He pleaded.
All you could do was laugh, rummaging around in your purse for your cigarettes. A habit you picked back up again, the day after he left. You shoved the filter between your red painted lips, lighting it with ease. All while he stood and watched, eyebrows furrowed.
“So it doesn’t look like you dumped me to come back home and fuck your high school ex?” You couldn’t help but let the words slip off your tongue. There it was, the anger of yours he had become familiar with. He knew it was there, boiling just under the surface.
He sighed, “Nancy is still with Jonathan, you know. We’re just… friends.”
“You seem real sure of that.” You scoffed, letting the smoke wrap around you like a security blanket. “Besides, doesn’t matter, does it? You’re single. You can do whatever you want.”
He deflated, letting his hand rest on the porch. “Yeah. Guess so.”
The silence was deafening, the snow still flurrying around the two of you. He couldn’t keep his eyes off you. In just the past few months, you’ve changed so much. Your hair was shorter, and your eye bags were evident. A hallowness was deep inside you, and the light drained from your eyes. And it was all his fault; he knew that. He watched your hand flick the cigarette, the absence of the gleaming diamond on your finger making his breathing stop.
It didn’t even occur to him until now that this was the first time he’d seen you since he left. You were on his mind so often that it was as if he conjured up a new image of you every time his eyes opened in the morning.
The guilt pressed down on his chest, thick and suffocating, and the silence between you stretched too long. Long enough for old wounds to start itching. Long enough for that anger to claw its way up your throat, hot and familiar. You’d learned how to survive by holding onto it, how to use it to pull yourself out of the days where feeling nothing felt worse.
“I wish you’d just tell me what you were really thinking.” He spoke up, his eyes drilling holes into the side of your face.
You held onto tighter to the anger, the feeling comfortable in your hands. You’d rather feel angry than nothing else at all. So the insults began to slip out. If he was going to walk away and leave you again, you were going to make sure it was on your terms this time.
“Okay, do you really wanna know Mr. Peaked in high school?” You could barely believe the cruelty in your voice when you spat out the words, “I think you couldn’t make it in the big city. So to fuel your ego, you had to go home to our piss ant hometown and try to fuck your high school ex-girlfriend, right? Right back where you were in High School. Welcome back, King Steve!”
He stuttered back a few steps, recovering quickly from the whiplash.
“At least I’m not pretending to be happy. How is it up there on your high-horse? Because after this week, you’re going back to that lonely apartment.” He cackled, “Doesn’t matter how much money you make, how nice your clothes are, how much your snotty co-workers like you. You’re all alone out there. And I’ll be here, with my friends.”
The emphasis of my didn’t get lost on you. You suppose he was right; they were his friends first before you ever joined them. His words pierced your heart, nearly knocking you off balance. You thought this was it, but oh, he wasn’t done.
“You can’t make the pain go away by treating me like a villain, Y/n.” He said, his voice softening. “I hurt you. I know I did, and I’m so sorry. I was only doing what I thought was right, for both of us. I was drowning.” His voice cracked on the word. Both of your resolves are crumbling around your feet like drywall.
“We were supposed to drown together.” You snapped, “When you got down on one knee and put that ring on my finger, it was a promise. A promise to love each other through all the hard times, and you couldn’t even try. You just gave up on us. On me.” Your bottom lip wavered, staring down the man you loved more than life itself.
“I was doing what I thought was right-”
“Spare me the fucking bullshit.” You waved him off, “You could’ve sat me down. We could have talked it out like adults; instead, you ran home with your tail between your legs. Letting everyone feel bad for the boy whose fiancée left him in the dust-”
“You don’t know anything.” He laughed dryly, his hands running feverishly through his hair. “When I came home, did you know the first thing everyone said to me? Everyone. Robin, the kids, my parents?”
You stayed quiet, watching his chest heave. “They all said, “How did you ruin the best thing you’ve ever had?” He scoffed.
“You left! That’s how!”
“Remember that you let me leave.”
“What was I supposed to do, Steve?” You were in hysterics now, “Was me on my knees, begging and crying, not enough?”
“You let me leave Y/n.” He repeated, “You changed your number, you stopped talking to everyone. The only thing left for me to do was to drive up there, but I knew you wouldn’t wanna see me.”
“If you loved me, you would've.” You sighed, running your hands over your face. You were sick of the arguing, of the back and forth.
“You could’ve visited too! You ghosted everyone. You didn’t just hurt me with the radio silence. You broke Max’s heart-”
You stepped closer, pressing your finger harshly into his chest. “Leave them out of it.”
“You can’t even be honest with yourself.” He chuckled dryly. Watching you huff down the remnants of the cigarette that now stunk up his clothes.
“You don’t know me.”
“I think I know you better than you know yourself sometimes.”
“My life is different now.” You let out a breath, stomping the cigarette butt underneath your boot. “Don’t pretend you know how I’m doing. Who I’m with. Because you don’t. You don’t know anything about me.”
You knew what your words were implying when you said them, refusing to correct yourself. You wanted to see the hurt flash in his eyes, the same way yours did, seeing him and Nancy in the kitchen. But when the flash came, you couldn’t feel anything but guilt. Something shifted in those brown eyes of his; what started as hurt faded into something darker.
“Is there someone else?” His eyes were ablaze, a darkness in them you hadn’t seen before. You stayed quiet, looking up at him through your lashes. Unable to speak, the closer he got with each step. “Tell me, is there someone else?”
“And if there was?” You challenged, tilting your head at him.
“Answer me.” He demanded softly, still walking towards you like a predator stalking prey. You took a step back, eyes never leaving his until your back from pressing his snow-covered car. He was inches away, still waiting for your answer.
“It’s none of your business.”
“Then why even mention it?” He chuckled darkly, his leg slotting in between yours. You were pushed further back into the car, his body now on yours. Nothing could change the chemistry between you two, not time. God himself couldn’t change the way your bodies drifted towards each other. You were the compass, and he was your true north. You’d always find yourself back here. On your way to him, in this town.
“Does it bother you?” You met his darkened eyes, “Thinking of someone else taking what you left behind?”
“Don’t pretend-”
“Hey-oh whoa.” Robin’s voice broke you two out of your trance. The two of you were springing apart like there was a fire. Vickie’s hand was in hers, both clad in their coats, ready to leave. “Sorry. The snow is really coming down; we wanted to get back before it got any heavier.”
Steve cleared his throat, leaning awkwardly against the hood of the car. “Yeah, course.”
You walked forward, wrapping your arms around the two girls. Bidding them farewell, promising to see them soon. Robin left with a suggestive look towards you, making you flush. You watched her car roll down the road, feeling Steve’s eyes on your back. You don’t know how long you stood there, snow pelting your skin, before he spoke up.
“At least get out of the snow, Y/n.” You turned back, stepping back onto his porch.
“I should probably leave.”
He didn’t say anything, simply walked ahead of you, opening his door. You looked around for your coat, scrambling around. Before you could get your second arm in your sleeve, he broke you out of your rushing trance.
“Does he make you feel like I did?”
You paused, letting the coat fall to the floor. “What?”
He looked pathetic, his inhibitions falling when it was just you he was standing in front of. “Does he make you feel even a fraction of what I made you feel?”
It took you a second to remember the way you avoided his question, letting him believe a false narrative he made up in his own head. It made every nerve in your body set ablaze, the idea of him being jealous. You let yourself fall into the feeling.
“Does Nancy make you feel a fraction of what I made you feel?” You barked back, the tension rising. The two of you were playing with fire now, poking the bear just to see what would happen. This was foreplay, and after months of longing, the two of you were coiled tight.
“So you are jealous,” He grinned devilishly at you.
“You’re one to talk. You’re the one who pinned me to your car, ready to take me right there.”
All he did was stalk closer, “And you liked it, didn’t you?”
You were quiet, letting the air around you thicken. Yes, you liked it. It’s the first thing that got your blood pumping in months, a heat grew between your legs. A long-neglected aspect of your life you hadn’t thought of much until now.
“Yeah, you did.” He said cockily, watching your pupils go wide. Much like his. He knew your bedroom eyes well; he knew you were soaked underneath that satin skirt you had on.
“So what?” Your mouth was dry, meeting him halfway. The two of you are standing in front of the couch.
“Did you miss me? Miss my cock?” His words made goosebumps rise on your skin. You forgot just how filthy his mouth was. You remained quiet, the two of you in a standoff, to see who would break first. Your hands were clenched into fists, shaking wildly.
“I missed your cock but not that mouth.” You regretted your words the moment they came out, because his eyes lit up. He knew he had you right where he wanted you.
He then plopped onto the couch, his legs spread wide. You looked down at him in astonishment, “What-”
“You want it so bad? Come get it.” He patted his lap, the bulge in his khakis prominent.
“You’re such a cocky asshole, you know that?” You seethed, crawling into his lap regardless. Making yourself at home on top of his hips, “Acting like one taste of my pussy wouldn’t have you begging for more.”
“Never said it wouldn’t,” he grinned.
You weren’t sure who moved first, the next thing you knew, teeth were gnashing against skin. Lips pulled together tightly, hands squeezing and scratching wherever they could. It wasn’t gentle. It wasn’t careful. It was hunger and frustration and longing wrapped up in heat, the kind that burned instead of soothed. It was animalistic. Every kiss felt like a confession, every desperate grab a way of saying what neither of you had managed to put into words.
“Did you fuck her?” You asked with a growl, pulling his head back by the hair on his neck. He let out a grunt at the movement, his eyes snapping to yours. Taking him by surprise at your sudden violence, the green monster tugs at you.
“Bet you wanna know-”
You yanked harder, his neck jerking. “I asked you a question.”
“F-fuck, no. No, I didn’t.” He whined, “She loves Jonathan.”
“Would you have fucked her? If she wanted to?”
“Probably.” The admission was sharp, his eyes pleading with you.
No words could match how you were feeling; instead, you brought your lips to his in a bruising kiss. As if you could will away any memory of her lips from his. Nails scraped against skin, leaving a painful reminder of you on his body.
No time was wasted in undressing; your shirt was pulled open. Your skirt pulled up over your hips.
“Baby, let me get you ready.” His hands slid up under your skirt, pulling your soaked panties to the side. His fingers were swiping at your entrance. He sensed your urgency, not wanting to hurt you.
You shook your head, continuing to pull his pants down to his knees. Still straddling his lap, you pulled his hand away despite his protests.
“Just need you, please.” The words were thick in your mouth, hovering on top of his hardened cock. Steve was well endowed; it took your body years to become used to his size. Now that it had been months, surely it would be difficult. But you were a masochist. You wanted it to hurt; you needed it to hurt. It’s what you felt like you deserved.
He hesitated, but nodded. Trusting you to make your own decision, his breath hitching when your wet slit rubbed against his tip. His hands braced your hips as you slid down, taking a few inches in a fast thrust.
The gasp that left your mouth was inhuman, your body falling into his hold. “Baby,” He hissed, “I told you to let me-”
You shushed him, the stretch burning in a sick twisted pleasure as you moved further down. Taking all nine inches of him in a gentle swoop. “Needed this. Just like this.” You cried out, your clit rubbing against the coarse hair that sat above his cock.
“Yeah? No one else can fill you up like this, baby.” He grunted, his hold on your hips sure to leave bruises. “Can they?”
You shook your head, grinding down on him slowly. Letting your cunt adjust to the intrusion, soaking him in your arousal.
“Have you been fucking other men, baby?” He mocked the slow, gentle circles he rubbed on your skin, contrasting with his evil words.
You didn’t respond; you couldn’t not while you were still catching your breath. “Bet every time they fucked you with their tiny cocks, you thought of me, huh? Couldn’t quite reach where I can.”
“Shut. Up.” You grumbled, pretending like you weren’t clenching around him at his words.
You lifted your hips, pulling off of him except for an inch before slamming back down. This cut him off from his next taunt, letting out a guttural moan instead. He was quiet after, helping you find a gentle rhythm. Your hips stuttered each time they met his, his bulbous tip hitting your sweet spot each time.
Neither of you was going to last long; you could feel it in the way his muscles tensed. Both of you hadn’t felt the touch of another since your last night together. You were both lost in the feeling, riding his cock like you’d die without it.
“Take that fucking cock.” He sighed, throwing his head back into the couch cushions.
“Do you ever shut up?” You stuttered, your fingernails digging harshly into his shoulder blades. Lost in the feeling of him, before he stopped you. Holding your hips down on him, you barely got a chance to speak before he lifted his hips. Thrusting up into you experimentally, your eyes rolling in the back of your head.
“Tell me how good it feels,” He panted, ignoring how you struggled to bounce in his lap. “Tell me, or I’ll stop.”
You were quiet, meeting his eyes. “You wouldn’t.” You called his bluff, but unfortunately, he was serious as he began to slide you off his lap, excruciatingly slow.
“W-wait,” You cried out, placing your hand on his chest. “Please don’t stop.”
He thrusted up into you slowly, “Be a good girl and tell me how my cock feels splitting you apart.”
“God,” You sobbed, bracing yourself in his hold as he let you bounce on him once again. “Feels so good. S’fucking good baby. Please don’t make me stop.”
“S’what I thought.” His hand slapped your ass harshly, gripping the flesh to help guide you in taking him with each swivel of your hips. In the chaos, he leaned forward, pressing sloppy kisses to your neck.
“Where’s the ring?” He growled, his teeth biting against the flesh of your collarbone.
One of your hands was now laced in his hair, the other pressed firmly on his chest. “W-what?” You slurred, his pace still unrelenting. Fucking his hips up into yours without a care in the world.
“The ring. I want it on your hand.”
“You d-don’t deserve it being on my hand.” You barked back, letting your fingernails dig into his chest. The pain only spurred him on.
“I know.” He grunted, planting his feet.“Doesn’t mean I don’t wanna fuck you with nothing but that ring on your hand.”
“Jesus.” You grumbled, nearly losing your balance. His hands gripped your hips tighter, taking over your movements completely. Fucking up into you as if you weighed nothing, your head falling back.
“This fucking pussy missed me, huh?” He grunted, as if the lewd sounds of your cunt squelching for him weren’t enough. Steve always had a filthy mouth; it only got worse when he had something to prove.
“Fuck you.” You whined, blindly covering his mouth with your hand. In return, all he did was bite down gently on your digits, continuing on.
“That’s exactly what I’m doing.” His words were muffled, your body coming apart on top of his. You screaming out his name only spurred him on, emptying his load deep inside your cunt. With each clench around him, you took him in deeper, holding onto him for dear life as you both rode out your orgasms with each other.
Sweat lined your skin. Steve’s warm lips were against your skin. Relishing the feeling of you still around him.
“You okay?” He mumbled, your eyes slowly fluttering back open. You didn’t know what you felt, now stuck in the after. After this complicated line was crossed. Where were you to go now?
“It’s late.” You said shakily, lifting your hips off of him slowly. Tears prickling your eyes when you were faced with the emptiness when he slipped out of you. You ignored his worried eyes, pulling your skirt back down. Fumbling with your shirt buttons.
“You,” He cleared his throat, pulling his boxers back up, “Don’t have to run out. You can stay. Wait a minute-”
“No, I should go.” You said clearly, stumbling around to collect your things.
“You’ve had a lot to drink, what we did-” He paused, “You need a minute to calm down.”
“I haven’t been drunk since we argued outside. I can’t use the wine as an excuse for this.” You rubbed messily at your eyes. “I’ll be safe, I just can’t be here. I need to go.”
He stopped you at the door, holding onto your hand. “Please call me when you get home. Or I’ll come over to check myself.”
You did call him that night, keeping it short and sweet before you trudged up to your room. Screaming into your pillowcase. You didn’t expect the night to go as it did, your heart unable to handle it. You woke up the next day with an emotional hangover, trudging through the next few days like a zombie.
You kept your promises, getting coffee with Robin. Going Christmas shopping with Max and El. You even spent lunch with your mother, ignoring her judgmental glares when you told her that you and Steve didn’t magically get together over one Christmas party.
Christmas Eve night, and the house was quiet, aside from the phone ringing loudly off the hook at 10 before midnight. You nearly tripped racing to the phone, picking it up in haste.
“Hello?” You spoke into the receiver quietly, praying neither of your parents would pick up the other line.
“Hey.” Steve’s voice rang out quietly, “Sorry if I woke you.”
“Couldn’t sleep.” You admitted, imagining him in his bed. The phone nuzzled between his cheek and neck.
“Me neither.” His voice was deeper than normal. Thick with sleep, and an unknown emotion. Your teeth bit down on your bottom lip, refusing to make the first move. You knew why he called you, and you hated that he knew you’d answer.
“Do you remember our old spot?” He finally spoke.
You were grateful that he couldn’t see your smirk through the phone, “I remember.”
“You can say no, but I can be there in 10.”
You should’ve said no. You should’ve told him you planned to drive home tomorrow, to leave this town with your tail between your legs. Unable to face what you’d done. But lines have already been crossed; what was one more time? So the words were leaving your mouth before you had the chance to reconsider the consequences.
“I’ll see you there.”
Minutes later, you had pulled your car into the abandoned parking lot, right between Hawkins High and Hawkins Presbyterian. It was here that you felt 17 again, sneaking behind your parents' backs to meet up with a boy. Going from one backseat to another. When the familiar rumble of Steve’s beamer pulled up beside you, it was the soundtrack to your teenage years. His engine turning off, his stumbling as he clambered into your passenger seat, as he belonged there.
His cheeks were flushed from the cold. “Hey.”
“Hey.” You replied, just as awkwardly as he did. “Merry Christmas.”
He made the first move, cupping your face in his large hand. Forcing you to look at him. “You’re so beautiful.”
No makeup on, in ratty high school pajamas, hair a mess in the moonlight. You were the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen; nothing would change that.
“What are we doing?” You frowned, ignoring the way you nuzzled into his palm.
He only repeated your words with a gentle tone, “You tell me.”
“I don’t know.” You found yourself leaning in, chasing his lips with your own.
You hated how well you knew each other, falling into a rhythm as if there wasn’t a chasm between the two of you. It took all but a few kisses before you were stumbling into the backseat, clothes getting pulled off in every direction.
“Let me take care of you, please.” He was all but begging against your lips, his hands tugging at your pajama pants. Who were you to deny him?
It took a while to get a comfortable position, grown-up bodies not quite slotting together in the leather seats as teenage ones once did. Your head was leaning against the door, cushioned by an old hoodie as Steve lay half on the floor. His lips were trailing messy kisses up your thigh, before his tongue hit your quivering clit.
“Oh my god.” Your body immediately convulsed, head twacking against the car door by accident. You couldn’t find it in yourself to care as his mouth worked magic on you. Slowly inching his fingers deep inside you, curling them just enough to have you see stars.
It was moments like this that you were reminded of just how well he knew your body, playing you like a piano. Knowing exactly how to make you scream. So there was no surprise when a short few minutes later, you were coming apart on his face, lazily grinding against his nose. Chasing every ounce of pleasure from him. He would’ve kept going if you hadn’t stopped him with a short pull of his hair.
“I might get a concussion if we don’t switch.” You giggled, sitting up slowly. Having hit your head against the car door enough. “And you don’t need anymore head injuries.”
He laughed, but paused when he saw you flip over. Settling on your hands and knees for him, your glistening cunt wide on display for him.
“Jesus, fuck.” His cock got even harder if possible, as he balanced on his shaky knees. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah, please.” You wiggled your hips at him, making more curses slip from underneath his breath. You wanted to wrap your mouth around him, but the limited movement didn’t allow for that. You heard him pull his boxers down, leaning forward with a cupped hand to your mouth.
He didn’t even need to give you directions; you were spitting into his hand. He used this to stroke his cock lazily, not as if he needed it since he worked you open this time.
Your hands were gripping the door when he slowly pushed in, the angle even deeper than the last time. His hand settled on your lower back while he pressed against your womb with each shift of his hips.
“S’fucking deep.” You babbled, “I love your huge fucking cock.”
Your praise only made him twitch deep inside you, dragging against your warm walls. “S’all yours. Your fucking cock, baby. Only f’you.”
You cried out his name when he moved. It was hot and fast. Both of you were chasing your highs greedily as the car rocked. The only sounds were the pornographic moans slipping through your lips and the harsh recoil of his hips hitting against your ass.
“Need you to cum again for me, baby.” He grunted through his teeth, his hand reaching between your legs to rub circles on your swollen clit. “Gotta feel it.”
With a fast nod, your cunt squelched around him. Your hand slid across the frosted glass, cooling your warmed skin as he trailed kisses up and down your spine. Coaxing you through the orgasm that had your legs trembling.
“Cum inside me.” You cried out, repeating it over and over. “Mark me as yours.”
“All your’s baby. Yeah, oh fuck yeah- take that cum.” He stuttered, his hips stilling as he emptied inside of you. Filling you up once more, plugging your cunt full of him. His fingers kept rubbing your clit slowly, feeling each twitch of your cunt suckling in his cum. “Good girl, taking it all.”
“Fuck.” You whined when he slowly pulled out, helping clean you both up.
He ended up on his back, pulling you onto his chest, awkwardly cuddling in the backseat. Your face nuzzled into his side, hand trailing fingers through his chest hair. A place on his side that was once yours every night.
“If you love me here, why can’t you love me there?” You asked, his chest stilling.
“I never stopped loving you. I haven’t even tried, I just know it’s not possible.” He admitted, his hand running through the ends of your hair. This hair now held memories of him, too.
“Like it. Your hair.” He admitted.
“Only cut it because it reminded me of you.” You admitted back, closing your eyes. Letting the beat of his chest echo in your ears. If this was going to be the last time the two of you were ever like this, you were going to cherish it. Even if it was in the backseat of your car, his head was awkwardly propped against the foggy windows.
“I didn’t cut my hair because I knew no one else would cut it like you.” He sighed, his hands stilling on your scalp.
“We’re hopeless.” He couldn’t help but agree, holding you even tighter.
“Do you wanna go back to my house?” He spoke quietly, not wanting the night to end. Not here, not in the backseat of your SUV like lovesick teenagers.
You didn’t even have to think when you nodded, the two of you dressing in comfortable silence. When you got to his house, he slipped your coat off your shoulders, a practiced motion you got down after years of Indiana winters. His hair was damp from the snow and sweat, tiny curls appearing on his forehead and the back of his neck. Your fingers ached to trace the spiral.
“I have some cider.” He spoke up, “Could warm us up.”
“You should steal some of your dad’s bourbon. I can spike it.” You smiled, but it didn’t quite reach your eyes this time.
“I like the way you think.” He parted with a kiss on your forehead. Leaving you to grab two mugs, warming up the apple cider. Successfully spiking it with the decanter he brought back. You migrated to the couch, settling in the spot across from him. The drink burned your throat, the spice settling deep in your chest.
“We’re gonna have to talk about it, you know?” He spoke, setting his mug down on the table. Leaning back on the couch, one arm spread against the back of it. “Like actually talk about it.”
He looked good, too good. The dark red cashmere contrasts against his pale skin, his still-damp hair falling across his forehead. Your fingers ached to run your hands through his locks again, to press your lips to his exposed neck.
“Tis the damn season.” You said sarcastically, your hand still gripping your mug tightly. Willing the spiked cider to enter your bloodstream faster. “It doesn’t have to mean anything. Just a weekend where we let ourselves pretend everything was okay.”
“It means everything, and you know that.” He spoke quickly, his eyes squinting at you.
Your mouth went dry, taken aback by his words. You knew it did the moment you two crossed the line that it was more than just sex. It could never be just sex between the two of you.
“Okay..” You slumped in your seat, “What does it mean then? Tell me. Because on the same day you were giving Nancy heart eyes, you fucked me on your couch.”
“I don’t see Nancy as anything other than a friend.” He swore, “I’ll admit, it was nice to feel wanted, I guess. I was lonely, and she was here. It was easy to slip into old shoes, harmless flirting. At first, just longing for someone. But Nancy.. We’d never work out. She still loves Jonathan, and I’d never get over you.”
“There’s no one else.” You admitted, answering his question from days ago. “I was just riling you up. Which was very toxic of me, but you’re hot when you’re making assumptions. I went on one date, snuck out through the back door of the restaurant, crying.”
While the thought made his stomach coil, he couldn’t stop the loud laugh that left his lips. “You’re kidding.”
“No, it was embarrassing,” You giggled, “He ordered garlic bread, hold the garlic, so it was just bread. And when I asked him why he didn’t just say bread, he said it wasn’t the same. The only thing I could think of was ‘Wow, Steve would make fun of him with me’. So I cried and left.”
“I would’ve made fun of him with you, but he didn’t deserve to go on a date with you.” He frowned a little through his laughs, “No one does.”
A sharp silence sat between you two. Snow was still falling from outside, and Cider still steamed in your mugs. The room smelled like pine needles and cinnamon.
“I don’t know what to do,” You admitted, feeling small under his gaze, “We both hurt each other, but have we hurt each other too much? Can we take back the things we said?”
“No,” Steve said.
Finally, after a brief moment of silence, your heart sank. So this was it, after everything, this was the closure you were avoiding. The kind that snuffed out the last bit of hope you’d been clinging to, leaving you no soft place to land.
“We can’t take it back. We said those things because we were scared and hurting, and pretending we didn’t mean it at the time isn’t gonna fix anything.”
His words hit like a gunshot at point-blank range. You took a moment to let the words sink in.
You swallowed hard, nodding. “So that’s it, then.”
He shook his head. “No. Not if you don’t want it to be.”
You looked up at him, confused. Unsure if it was the cider speaking, or him. But when you caught his eyes, they were clear and determined.
“We can’t go back to how we were. That much is obvious. Too much time has passed. We’ve both changed, I know I’ve changed.” He let out a soft laugh, “But that doesn’t mean it’s the end.”
Silence stretched between you two, no longer a sharp sting- just a heavy weight over the two of you.
“I spent months convincing myself that I made the right decision. I hurt you, I know I did. And there’s not a day that goes by, Y/n, that I don’t regret that.” He admitted, “I was lost. I was so lost and in my head, and I thought the only way to find myself again was space. I just kept thinking that if I stayed, you’d end up resenting me. That you’d wake up one day and realize you’d slowed yourself down for someone who couldn’t keep up. That you’d hate me the same way my dad hates my mom for ever keeping him in this town.”
His words were heavy with emotion, cut off by your shaky voice. “You didn’t have any right to make that decision without me.”
“God, I know,” he said. “But at the time, I couldn’t breathe. I was just treading water every day. I didn’t know who I was anymore, and I was terrified you’d end up hating me. So I did the worst thing possible and sped up the process.”
“I don’t hate you,” You spoke quickly, “Steve, I could never hate you. Trust me, I tried.”
He cracked a sad smile at that, his thumb rubbing over the edge of his now-chilled cider.
“I guess I just thought leaving would give you space to become everything you were meant to be,” he said. “And maybe give me time to figure myself out. Looking back, yeah. I’d go back in time and change it if I could, but I can’t.”
“Did it?” You asked, “Give you time?”
He shook his head, cruel amusement on his lips. “Just made me realize that losing you made my life so much worse than it was. You changed, you know?”
You raised an eyebrow at him, “The hair isn’t that big of a deal.”
“Not that. You don’t need me the way you used to. You’re more sure of yourself, I can tell. And that scares me, because I know we can’t come back and expect things to be the same.”
“I don’t want the same,” you sighed. “I just don’t want to lose you again.”
He was quiet for a moment, then said, “Maybe we don’t decide everything right now.”
You glanced back at him. “What do you mean?”
“I mean… we take it slow,” Steve said. “No promises we can’t keep. No rushing back into forever just because we miss each other. Let me earn your love again. Let me earn you putting that ring back on your finger. I’ll do it all over again. I’ll even get back down on one knee.” He brought his hand to yours, lacing your fingers together. Tracing the empty spot on your left ring finger.
You nodded slowly. “No running this time.”
“No running,” he agreed, bringing your hand up to his mouth. Pressing the gentlest kiss to your knuckles.
It wasn’t forgiveness, not in the traditional sense. No one tells you what to do when someone you love hurts you, so you hurt them back twice as hard. It wasn’t a clean slate; there was no pretending to patch over bullet holes with cheap plaster. Starting over didn’t erase the hurt or fix the cracks in the foundation. It just meant choosing each other again, knowing exactly what it could cost. But waking up every day, fighting for each other instead of against one another, felt like something worth risking the pain for.
And maybe in a different lifetime, he would have stayed, maybe in another, you were the one to go. All you knew was that in this one, the two of you weren’t going to spend another second apart.
friends don't ; joaquín torres
summary: it was only ever supposed to be casual. convenient. roommates with benefits—two rules: no kissing, no falling in love. but when joaquín returns from a week-long mission and his mother comes to stay, tensions rise, jealousy snaps, boundaries blur, and breaking those rules becomes inevitable.
notes: surprise joaquín fic?! my goodness, i've been working on this for months (so i'm sorry if it feels disjointed). i abandoned it back in july and have been slowly adding to it but just recently got the urge to fully finish it, so here ya go! i hope it's good? i hope it's enjoyable? it was really fun, more angsty than i originally planned, and a little more lyrical than i ever intended? i also did a lot of random research for this fic... so please (as always) let me know what you think!!! (and i made a playlist)
warnings: so many metaphors and similies (like seriously, i'm sorry), nevada slander (i'm sorry, again! i just chose a desert state, i promise there's no meaning behind it), jealousy, tension, a bit of angst, italics, likely incorrect spanish, denial (duh), and SMUT (dirty talk-ish, f oral receiving, making out, unprotected p in v, and sorry if it sucks i feel like i struggled with the last spicy scene) 18+ ONLY MDNI!!!
word count: 18779
It started on a random Tuesday night.
You’d been living with Joaquín for almost six months at that point—after years of friendship forged through comms static and high-stakes calls working for the United States Air Force.
You were his handler back in the day. You worked for a joint taskforce—half independent intelligence, half Air Force—coordinating tactical comms and field support. Joaquín was one of your primary field assets, and you were the voice in his ear. You watched his vitals, fed him real-time intel, and talked him out of some seriously bad situations.
After a while, he stopped feeling like an asset and more like a friend—a good friend. You trusted each other more than anyone else in the field. And even after he got pulled into Captain America's world and rotated out of your roster, you stayed close.
You left the handler life not long after—burned out from too many ops gone wrong, long hours, and the creeping sense that your whole life was passing you by. Now you’re a threat analyst contractor—still intelligence, just less intense. More sane. You pick your own hours, turn down jobs that feel like lost causes, and best of all, you get to do most of it from home.
When Joaquín officially inherited the Falcon wings, he started looping you in again—running contracts through Sam’s office, bringing you back into the fold, piece by piece. The work felt familiar. So did he. And when he brought up the idea of sharing an apartment in D.C., it made perfect sense.
Rent was brutal. Joaquín was gone on missions half the time anyway. And you already knew each other well enough to live in sync—how to read each other’s moods, how to exist in tight spaces without getting on each other’s nerves.
You trust him—always have—and the first six months were easier than you imagined.
Then… that Tuesday night happened.
You were sitting on the couch sharing a bowl of popcorn, half-watching some action movie Joaquín had put on while you complained about the lack of fuckable men in your life. Joaquín, of course, acted all offended and joked about how incredibly fuckable he was—at which you snorted, but silently agreed.
There was one long, charged second where neither of you knew what to say.
Then Joaquín said it. He offered. Asked if you wanted to have sex—no strings, just good old-fashioned stress relief between friends.
You hesitated, of course. Torn between tearing off your—admittedly sexy—best friend’s clothes, or telling him that in no way was this kind of arrangement a good idea. You didn’t want to ruin what you had. Living with him was great, and the thought of messing all that up made you nauseous.
But then he licked his lips. Raised a brow.
And something deep inside you snapped.
You agreed. With two conditions: no kissing, and no falling in love.
Simple, right?
Well, you thought so. Until you found yourself under him—or on top of him, or beside him, or in some other twisted position—every second night. Panting, whimpering, crying out his name while he made you come with his mouth, his fingers, his very impressive cock. Once you started, you couldn’t get enough.
And slowly—somehow—you started feeling different. About him. About everything. Different in a way that made your heart race, your cheeks flush, and your stomach do weird somersaults every time he flashed that boyish grin.
You haven’t quite admitted it yet, but you’re pretty sure you’ve gone and broken one of those rules.
And not even the one that should have been the easiest to break—because even after almost three months of being roommates with benefits, you still haven’t kissed him. Not once. Not even almost.
The click of the front door lock startles you. You blink hard at the TV screen you’ve been pretending to watch for the past few hours, then crane your neck to peer over the back of the couch. And sure enough, there he is.
His curls are damp from the rain, clothes a little soaked too, and there are deep purple circles beneath his eyes. He looks exhausted—but somehow, still gorgeous. Still infuriatingly hot, even though you’re pretty sure he hasn’t slept the entire week he’s been gone.
“Hey,” you call, pushing up from the couch.
He drops his duffel and kicks off his shoes. “Hey,” he says, eyes lighting up the second they land on you. “I missed you.”
And God, it doesn’t help when he says things like that.
You roll your eyes and walk around the couch, leaning a hip against the back of it while he shrugs out of his wet jacket and hangs it on the rack by the door. The apartment isn’t huge—just an open-plan living and dining space, with the kitchen off to the side—which means there are only a few strides left between you and him.
“Don’t roll your eyes when I say that,” he adds. “I’m allowed to miss my best friend after being forced to spend a week in hell—or Nevada, as the locals like to call it.”
You laugh quietly, folding your arms just to stop yourself from reaching out. Because holy shit, you've missed him—but you’re not about to admit it out loud.
He misses his best friend.
You miss the boy you’re in love with.
It’s not the same. Not even close.
“I almost cried when it started raining on the cab ride home,” he says with a soft chuckle. “The desert sucked. I’m never going back there. I told Sam he can find a new Falcon if he wants to do more recon in a state that’s more red dirt than grass.”
“Wow,” you mutter. “Maybe Sam should find a new Falcon, then. One that complains less.”
He narrows his eyes as he steps forward, slowly closing the distance between you.
“You know,” he says, stopping barely a foot away, “this isn’t the kind of welcome I was hoping for.”
You lift a brow. “And what exactly were you hoping for?”
He shrugs, lips twitching like he’s trying not to smile. “Candles. Rose petals. Romantic music.” He steps in again, eyes dragging up your body—slow and deliberate. “You. On my bed. Naked.”
Your heart thuds in your throat, and heat blooms across your skin, but you refuse to let it show. You won’t give him the satisfaction of a reaction. You’re used to this—to him. He was flirty even before you started sleeping together, but now? Now it’s like making you blush is his full-time job.
“Really?” you ask, keeping your voice level. “Didn’t think you’d be up for it tonight. Aren’t you tired?”
“Never too tired for you, baby,” he mutters—low and dangerous—as he closes the space between you entirely.
His hands find your waist and his lips drop to your neck, just above the collar of your shirt—his shirt—where he knows exactly how to make you sigh.
And you do.
Like you’ve been holding your breath all week, just waiting for his touch. And now, with his soft lips and wet tongue drawing a slow bruise into your skin, just above your shoulder—you can finally breathe again.
“Joaquín,” you whisper, “I’m your roommate, not your—”
He shoves his body against yours, the unmistakable, rock-hard length beneath his jeans pressing into your hip.
“Cariño,” he murmurs against your neck, “I’ve been living in a one-bedroom safe house with Sam for seven days. I haven’t come since you made me before I left. If I don’t come inside you tonight, it’ll be into my own hand while thinking about you. And I know which I’d prefer.” He presses a wet kiss just beneath your jaw. “What do you prefer?”
Your eyes almost roll back as he slides one hand beneath your shirt, fingers digging into the flesh at your waist. His lips continue their assault on your neck—sucking, licking, biting, soothing—while you choke back moans and grip the front of his shirt for dear life.
“Come on, baby,” he sighs, breath hot on your skin. “Don’t make me beg.”
You bite back a grin as you tip your head back, breath stuttering. “Maybe I want you to beg.”
He pulls back—lips puffy, eyes glazed, that familiar smirk still very much in place. “Want me to beg?” he echoes, brows lifting. “I’ll do it. I’m not ashamed.”
Then, slowly, he drops to his knees in front of you. His hands slide down your body, igniting fires in their wake and making your pulse stumble.
“I want to fuck you so bad, baby,” he mutters, tongue darting across his lower lip. “Please let me.”
The sight of him makes your knees weak—curls tousled, lips damp, eyes dark with lust and something darker, hungrier. God, if you said no to a man like this, you’d have to be insane.
Your breath hitches as he lifts the hem of your shirt and presses a kiss just above the waistband of your sweatpants.
“Please, cariño,” he whispers. “Please let me fuck you.”
He slowly pulls the grey fabric down, sliding it over your hips until it drops in a pool at your feet—leaving only a lacy pair of pink panties between him and what he wants.
You lean harder against the back of the couch, gripping it like a lifeline as he leans in again, lips brushing the tops of your thighs.
“Gonna need you to say something, baby,” he murmurs.
You swallow hard and let out a shaky breath. “Yes,” you manage. “Yes, Joaquín, you can f-fuck me.”
He grins up at you—boyish charm and deadly intention—as his fingers hook beneath your panties and slide them down. You gasp at the sudden exposure, and before you can say or do anything else, his hands grip the insides of your thighs and part them. Your grip tightens on the couch before your knees can give out, and you hear him chuckle as your legs shake with anticipation.
“So wet already,” he breathes, face barely an inch away. “Mierda, cariño… ¿todo esto para mí?” (Shit, baby… all this for me?)
You nod, once, because you know you can’t speak. Not with him on his knees. Not with his mouth so close to your cunt. Not after a whole week of that useless vibrator, waiting for him to get back.
“Been thinkin’ about this pussy all week,” he mutters, eyes locked on the apex of your thighs like he’s praying.
Then he hitches one of your legs over his shoulder—and his mouth is on you.
Warm, wet, and worshipful, he licks a slow stripe through your folds, lips and tongue coaxing every nerve alive. You gasp, fingers flying into his curls, and your back arches as a strangled moan slips free.
He works you open like he’s savouring every second, tongue deliberate and unhurried, lapping up every drop like it means something. A low moan rumbles in his throat—part pleasure, part hunger—and the vibration shoots straight through you.
Your hips twitch. Your grip tightens in his hair. He doesn’t flinch.
One hand steadies the back of your thigh. The other slides between your legs, fingers teasing your soaked entrance while his mouth keeps working, determined and relentless.
“Fuck,” he groans. “She missed me, huh?”
Two fingers push inside you—slow, careful, deep—and your whole body jolts. You cry out before you can stop yourself, head tipped back as he curls them just right, dragging along that spongey spot that makes your knees buckle.
His mouth stays pressed against you, tongue flicking over your clit in perfect rhythm with every thrust of his hand.
Your breath stutters. Your legs shake.
He’s so good at this. Too good. It’s almost unfair—the way he pulls you apart with his mouth and fingers like it’s nothing. Like he was made for it.
“Joaquín,” you whisper, barely able to speak. “I—fuck—”
He hums again, lips sealed to you like he can’t stand to let go. His fingers move faster, deeper, knuckles brushing as he works you open. Your whole body tightens, strung up and ready to snap.
“Come on,” he murmurs, voice ruined and reverent. “Come for me, baby.”
It builds fast—hot and sharp and blinding. His hand slides from your thigh to your ass, pulling you tighter against his face, guiding you against his tongue until you can’t think, can’t breathe.
He sucks hard on your clit, and it hits. You let out a broken cry, hips jerking, grinding against his mouth as your eyes squeeze shut and—
You shatter.
The wave crashes over you, tearing through every nerve, and you collapse forward with a moan caught in your throat. Your thighs tremble. Your lungs burn. Your hands are still tangled in his hair, holding on like he’s the only thing keeping you grounded.
And he doesn’t stop. Not until your body finally goes slack, and the only sound you can make is a soft, helpless little whimper you don’t even recognise.
He lingers for a beat, lips pressing soft, soothing kisses to your thigh, breath warm against your skin, his hands sliding gently up your sides to steady you. Then he finally pulls back and looks up—curls messy, lips swollen, face glistening. And fuck, he’s never looked hotter.
“That was—”
“Quick,” you mutter, a little breathless, cheeks burning.
He blinks, then grins—slow and wicked. “I was going to say hot. But sure, quick works too.”
“Thanks,” you mutter dryly, eyes locked on the slick shine around his mouth. “You want to clean yourself up, or—”
“Oh, no. I’m not done with you yet,” he murmurs, voice rough and low, his brows drawing together just slightly. “I’m gonna fuck you properly now.”
Before you can reply, he straightens up and grabs the backs of your thighs, lifting you easily. You let out a startled yelp, but your legs wrap around his hips instinctively, your arms locking behind his neck.
“It’s my turn, baby,” he says, eyes sparkling. “And then probably your turn again, and again if you’re up for it.” He pauses, ducking his head to brush his lips against your collarbone. “Your vibrator dead yet?”
You frown as he starts walking down the hall. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
He chuckles. “I figured with me gone all week, you’d be handling things the old-fashioned way. Thinkin’ about me while you—”
You smack the back of his head, which only makes him laugh harder.
“Just because you can’t stop thinking about me doesn’t mean I’ve been thinking about you,” you say, even though it’s a total lie.
He leans back a little, eyes narrowing as he kicks open his bedroom door and steps inside, stopping at the edge of the bed.
“Okay then,” he says, voice dark with challenge. “Guess I’ll just have to fuck you ‘til you can’t think about anything but me.”
Then he drops you.
You hit the bed with a squeal, bounce once, and barely have time to register the ceiling before his weight presses you down. He slots perfectly between your thighs, dragging the hard line of his denim-clad cock along your soaked cunt.
And God, does he fuck you.
He fucks you until you can’t think about anything but him. Until you forget your own name. Until your muscles shake and your lungs burn and your voice is hoarse from moaning his.
And then—after all of it—you fall asleep in his bed. In his arms.
And it’s the best sleep you’ve had since he left.
-
You wake before Joaquín, your nose pressed to his bare chest and his arms wrapped tight around you. One is tucked beneath your neck, the other curled over your shoulders, his hand cradling the back of your head like he’s holding something precious. His chin is resting at the crown of your head, and he’s softly snoring—a sure sign that he’s still deep asleep.
You wriggle a little, testing. He hums and tightens his hold, but doesn’t wake. He’s hard against your lower belly, and for a second you consider waking him with your mouth—but your bladder protests.
And so does your heart.
God, you should’ve made more rules. You should’ve protected yourself. You’ve always known you were soft for Joaquín—already halfway gone long before this whole thing started. And now? Now you’re all the way gone. Completely fucked. Up the creek without a paddle and regretting that you didn’t make a rule about cuddling, because waking up like this feels a lot heavier than just roommates.
You ease your way down the bed, slipping gently from his grip, being careful not to rouse him. He stirs a little, but doesn’t wake, and you realise just how tired he must be after that mission—yet somehow, not too tired to fuck your brains out last night.
You pick up the nearest item of clothing—his shirt, obviously—and slip it over your head as you pad across the hall to the bathroom. The only bathroom in the apartment, which hadn’t seemed like a problem when you first moved in—at least, not until Joaquín got very comfortable walking in on you mid-shower. Not that it matters much now. But still.
You go to the toilet, brush your teeth, wash your face, and count four new bruises along your collarbone—one a little higher than you’d normally let him get away with. Then you head into the living area to find your sweatpants—still crumpled on the floor behind the couch—and slip them on before starting a fresh pot of coffee.
You’ve got your head in the fridge, looking for the packet of bacon you know you bought the other day, when a knock at the door startles you. You stand up so quickly you bump your head on the way, cursing under your breath as you rub the sore spot and glance at the microwave clock—10:27AM.
It’s Sunday, which means no work, no plans. And you know Joaquín has this week off after the mission—so it definitely isn’t Sam here to collect his baby bird.
Another knock echoes through the apartment.
You shut the fridge, still frowning, and walk across the kitchen toward the front door. Every now and then, it does cross your mind that a dangerous criminal could show up looking for Joaquín—he is a superhero now—but today you decide that even criminals probably take Sundays off.
So you open the door.
“Hola… tú no eres Joaquín.” (Hi... you’re not Joaquín.)
It’s a woman, late fifties—you’re guessing—a little on the shorter side, with dark hair pulled into a tight bun at the back of her head. Her eyes are dark and sharp, dragging up and down your body not with judgment, just curiosity. Her dark brows are drawn slightly, forming two small creases in the middle of her otherwise perfectly tan skin.
She looks familiar. But you know you’ve never met her before.
Oh no.
“¿Tú quién eres y por qué estás usando la ropa de mi hijo?” (Who are you and why are you wearing my son’s clothes?)
You step back, eyes wide. “Uh, I—I’m sorry, Joaquín is just—”
“¡Mamá! Ay, por favor—¿por qué no me avisaste que estabas en camino?” (Mom! Oh, please—why didn’t you tell me you were on your way?)
You whip around to see Joaquín—curls messy, shirt only half on—appearing from his bedroom.
“No me dijiste que tenías novia,” the woman—Joaquín’s mother—says. (You didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend.)
Joaquín sighs. “No es mi novia, mamá. Es mi roomie.” (She’s not my girlfriend, Mom. She’s my roommate.)
She lifts one perfectly manicured brow. “¿Entonces por qué está usando tu camisa ella?” (So why is she wearing your shirt?)
“Porque ella solo—” He hesitates, clearly frustrated. “¡Ugh! No importa. Somos amigos. Don’t make it weird.” (Because she just— Ugh! It doesn’t matter. We’re friends. Don’t make it weird.)
“Lo raro es dormir con una amiga, mijo,” she says with a little smirk. (What’s weird is sleeping with a friend, my son.)
“¡Mamá!”
She shrugs. “Solo digo. Estas cosas nunca terminan bien. Además, es muy bonita—deberías salir con ella de verdad.” (Just saying. These things never end well. Besides, she’s very pretty—you should actually date her.)
Joaquín’s brow furrows, not in anger but something like defeat. “No es así.” (It’s not like that.)
“¡Podría serlo! Quiero nietos.” (It could be! I want grandbabies.)
“Mamá… ella entiende casi todo lo que dices.” (Mom... she understands almost everything you’re saying.)
His mother laughs again. “¡Qué bueno! Así sabe que necesito nietos antes de morirme.” (How good! That way she knows I need grandchildren before I die.)
Joaquín sighs, shaking his head. “Ay, Dios mío. Just speak English. If you're gonna embarrass me, just do it in English.” Then he turns to you with a sheepish smile. “This is my mom.”
You give him a wide-eyed look before turning back to his mother, who’s now grinning at you like you’ve just told her you’re expecting.
“Hi.” You give her a tight smile. “I’m the roommate.”
She grabs your hand and holds it in both of hers. “I’m Lucía, but you can call me—”
“She is not call you mamá,” Joaquín cuts in, exasperated. “We’re just friends, ¿sí?”
Lucía rolls her eyes, dropping your hand. “Okay, okay. Just friends.”
“Give me those,” Joaquín mutters, stepping up beside you to take her bags.
You move aside as he takes her things and ushers her into the apartment. Your feet feel heavy, your pulse is pounding in your ears, and your cheeks are burning so hot you wouldn’t be surprised if you spontaneously combusted.
“This place is nice, Joaquín,” Lucía says, her English carrying just the slightest accent. “Though I suppose it has a woman’s touch.”
She glances at you with a knowing twinkle in her dark eyes, like she’s already two steps ahead.
“Mamá,” Joaquín says, dropping her bags at his bedroom door, “are you going to be weird the whole time you’re here?”
She gives him a sharp smile. “And are you going to be oblivious your whole life?”
He frowns. “Oblivious?”
She looks back at you and nods. And God, you wish the floor would open up and swallow you whole.
“Joaquín,” you murmur, voice tight. “Can I talk to you for a second?”
His cheeks flush pink. “Yeah—uh, Mamá, we’re just going to—”
“It’s okay, mijo,” Lucía says, drifting toward the kitchen. “I’m going to pour myself a coffee.”
Joaquín smiles and nods, his eyes flicking back to you. “Come help me strip my bed?”
His mother chuckles softly but doesn’t say anything else.
You bite back the urge to whack Joaquín square in the chest as you walk past him, slipping into his room with him a step behind and shutting the door a little harder than necessary.
“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me your mother was coming to visit?” you snap, eyes narrowing.
He shrugs. “I was going to. I just didn’t get a chance.”
“Oh, so you decided eating me out and fucking me four times was more important?”
His eyes go wide. “Shh! That woman hears everything—she has ears like a bat.”
You step forward, brow furrowed. “Joaquín Torres, I swear to God—”
“I’m sorry, okay?” he cuts in, lips twitching as he tries not to laugh. “I honestly forgot. I didn’t think she’d be here until later tonight. She called last week, said she missed me, and got all upset that I hadn’t invited her to visit since moving.”
“You could have texted me,” you mutter.
“I said sorry. I just—” He pauses, eyes dropping to your lips before meeting your gaze again. “I got distracted. But she’s here now, and she seems to like you. So, that’s a good start.”
You blink. “You didn’t think she’d like me?”
His eyes go wide. “No, no! I knew she’d like you... eventually. She’s just not always warm the first time she meets someone.”
“Joaquín,” you deadpan. “She was talking about me having your babies before you even introduced us. Doesn’t get much warmer than that.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, she did say that.”
You raise your brows. “Do you really think this is funny?”
He shrugs. “A little.”
You sigh out a heavy breath and drop your head into your hands, wishing you could close your eyes and start the day all over again.
“She’s not going to be here long,” Joaquín says. “Two nights, that’s it. Then she’s going to Tía Carla’s in Baltimore.”
You drop your hands. “Two nights?”
He nods.
“Where’s she going to sleep?”
He glances at the bed. “My bed.” Then he looks back at you, smirking. “After I change the sheets.”
You roll your eyes. “Okay. Where are you sleeping?”
“Well,” he says slowly, “I was thinking—”
“No,” you snap. “Absolutely not. You are not sleeping with me.”
He frowns. “Why not? We slept together last night.”
“Because your mother is going to be on the other side of the wall!”
He grins—slow and wicked. “I’ve got ways I could keep you quiet.”
Your eyes go wide. “Joaquín!”
“Okay,” he chuckles, “okay. I’ll sleep on the couch. It’ll be fine. It’s only two nights.”
You nod. “Good. Couch is good.”
“Besides,” he sighs, turning toward the bed, “I think you’re the one who won’t be able to keep your hands to yourself.”
You step around to the foot of the bed and start helping him pull the sheets up. “Excuse me?”
He flashes you another grin. “You heard me.”
You roll your eyes. “Okay, pretty boy. Let’s not forget who practically mauled me the minute he got home last night.”
He bundles up the sheets and dumps them in a pile on the floor. “And let’s not forget who couldn’t stand on her own in the shower.”
You narrow your eyes, tongue running along your top teeth, watching him dismantle the bed with a shit-eating grin. You want to walk over there and slap it off his face. Or better yet, you want to shove him on the bed and let him fuck you so full of grandbabies you won’t be able to stand again.
Because like it or not, you’re hopelessly in love with Joaquín Torres—and you’re starting to worry that he might just know it.
After helping him make his bed with clean sheets and picking up all the evidence from last night, you reemerge from his room and head straight into your own. You can hear him and his mother chatting away as you gather fresh clothes and pad quietly into the bathroom.
You take a little extra time showering and getting ready, inexplicably wanting to impress his mother—as if you have something to prove.
Please, Mrs. Torres. Tell your son to fall in love with me!
You roll your eyes at your reflection as you apply a generous layer of lip gloss, then you quickly tidy the bathroom—making extra room on the vanity for Lucía—and step out.
“We could go to La Ventana Roja,” Joaquín says, his voice carrying down the hall.
Lucía sighs. “If I wanted to eat Mexican food, I’d cook dinner myself, chico estúpido.”
You press your lips together to keep from giggling as you drop your dirty clothes in the hamper just inside your bedroom door.
“Why do you come here just to insult me?” Joaquín asks, the pout audible in his voice.
“I come here to make sure you’re alive so you can give me grandbabies one day,” Lucía replies.
You step around the corner and spot them in the kitchen, each standing on opposite sides of the breakfast bar with a cup of coffee in front of them.
“Speaking of grandbabies,” she adds with a grin, “you look lovely, linda.”
You give her a soft smile. “Thanks, Lucía.”
Joaquín clears his throat, eyes flicking up and down your body as you come to stand at the end of the counter. “We’re trying to figure out where to go for dinner,” he says. “Sam’s coming too.”
“What about Oil and Salt?” you offer.
He nods. “Italian. I could do Italian.” Then he looks at his mother. “Mamá?”
She smiles. “Yes. Good boy, listening to your novia.”
Your cheeks flush, eyes going wide as you quickly turn toward the fridge, deciding to distract yourself with food.
“Ay, Mamá,” Joaquín sighs. “Stop saying that. She’s not my girlfriend.”
Lucía just shakes her head and takes a long sip of coffee while you keep your attention firmly fixed on the inside of the fridge—though you can feel Joaquín’s gaze burning into the side of your face.
Eventually he gives up on trying to get your attention and dials the Italian restaurant to make a reservation for tonight. You busy yourself making toast while he and his mom continue to catch up, muttering half in Spanish and half in English.
After two cups of coffee, they decide to head to the mall—Miami doesn’t have a Crate & Barrel like D.C., and apparently Lucía loves that place. They ask you to go with them, but your cheeks are still burning and there’s a strange tightness in your chest—because watching Joaquín with his mom, soft and attentive and effortlessly sweet, is making your heart do stupid things. So you decline.
Instead, you spend the day cleaning the apartment and doing laundry, taking extra care in Joaquín’s room to ensure Lucía won’t stumble upon any more evidence of your very not-so-friendly relationship with her son. You also take some time to plan an outfit for dinner—you haven’t gone out in a while, and you wouldn’t mind making it a little harder for Joaquín to keep his hands to himself.
By the time you hear them get home, you’re already halfway through getting ready. You’re in your room, sitting at the small mirror in the corner by the window, wondering what colour blush to use—or if you should use any at all. You’re wearing nothing but your underwear, with the silky, dark green dress you picked for tonight laid across the bed.
“We’re home!” Joaquín calls.
“I’m in my room!” you call back.
You can hear shuffling—paper bags, muffled voices—and then footsteps, getting louder down the hall.
You jump up quickly and dart across your room, planting both hands against the door just as the handle turns, stopping it from opening fully.
Joaquín gives it a shove. “What the—”
“Dude,” you hiss. “I’m not dressed.”
He peers at you through the gap, brows raised, lips twitching. “And?”
You stare. “And we’re roommates. Remember?”
“Right.” He chuckles. “Well then, roommate, are you going to be ready in half an hour? Sam said he’ll meet us there.”
“Yes,” you mutter. “If you leave me alone, I’ll be ready.”
He leans in a little, trying to see more through the narrow gap—like he thinks he’s subtle. “And if I don’t leave you alone?”
You brace yourself harder against the door. “Then you’ll be limping for the next week.”
He grins, challenging. “You wouldn’t.”
“Try me.”
He snorts. “You barely survived the week I was away. You wouldn’t add another—”
“Mijo, leave the poor girl alone!” Lucía calls from the kitchen. “Come help me unpack, and then you can get in the shower so you don’t smell at dinner.”
You can’t help but smile, laughter catching somewhere in your chest as you watch him roll his eyes and trudge back down the hall. Then you shove your bedroom door shut again and return to getting ready.
You finish your makeup, do your hair, and slip into the dress that slides against your skin like butter. It falls just above the knee—silky and forest green—draped in all the right places with a neckline that isn’t too low, but low enough to tease the smallest sliver of black lace if you lean forward just right. You finish the outfit with a pair of knee-high boots and an oversized leather jacket—for modesty, of course. Nothing to do with wanting to shed the jacket at dinner and make Joaquín choke on his own breath.
Half an hour later, you step out of your room into the bright, pungent cloud of Chanel No. 5 saturating the apartment. The bathroom door is shut, but you can hear Joaquín humming behind it, and at the end of the hall you spot Lucía waiting at the dining table.
“Just waiting on Joaquín?” you ask as you step into the kitchen.
Lucía hums. “Like always. He takes so long with the hair, I don’t know what’s wrong with him.”
You bite back a laugh. “Neither do I.”
Just as you unzip your purse to look for your lip gloss, you hear the bathroom door squeak open. The fan clicks off, footsteps echo up the hall—and then Joaquín steps into the kitchen like some kind of smug, fully-formed thirst trap the universe handcrafted to ruin your night.
His curls are damp and pushed back off his forehead, dark ringlets dripping slightly onto the collar of a clean, fitted black button-up. The sleeves are rolled to his forearms. His jeans are dark and well-worn in ways that should be illegal. And of course—of course—his shirt is unbuttoned one extra button more than necessary, exposing just a hint of warm, tanned chest.
Then he sees you.
And he stops.
His gaze drops, slow and deliberate, landing squarely on your boots.
“Well,” he says, voice lower than it needs to be, “look at you.”
You fold your arms to hide the way your hands start to shake. “Look at you.”
He hums—soft, appreciative—as his gaze drags up your legs again. “New boots?”
You shrug like your heart isn’t sprinting laps. “Maybe.”
He steps closer, leaning his weight onto one hip and folding his arms to mirror you. “Buy those just for me?"
You scoff. “Don’t flatter yourself.”
Lucía clears her throat from the dining table, not even trying to hide her amusement. “Ay, por favor. The both of you—stop looking at each other like that. We are going to eat.”
You cough, straighten your jacket, and grab your bag. “Ready to go, then?”
Joaquín just grins—slow, wicked, knowing—and gestures for you to go ahead of him. Lucía sighs, muttering something in Spanish under her breath as the three of you head out the door.
The Uber ride to the restaurant isn’t long—but it feels like hours. With Joaquín’s dark eyes fixed on you through the rear-view mirror, you can barely follow whatever Lucía is saying as she points out the window. The driver tries to make small talk with Joaquín too, but it’s useless. The two of you are somewhere else entirely—a different universe, thick with tension and eye contact, and you’re about ten seconds away from spontaneously combusting and leveling half of D.C.
“Oh, we’re here,” Lucía announces at last—and only then do you realise the car has stopped. “Joaquín, ven a ayudar a tu mamá a bajar del auto.” (Joaquín, come help your mom get out of the car.)
Joaquín shakes his head and fumbles with his seatbelt, mumbling a quick thanks to the driver before stepping out. You blink hard, forcing yourself back to reality, and follow—circling around the rear of the car to find him helping his mother onto the sidewalk.
It’s almost annoying how sweet he is with her. Sure, he’s always polite—you’ve always known he was well raised—but seeing it is something else entirely. And seeing it while trying to ignore the fact that you’re already stupidly, painfully in love with him makes the thorns tighten around your heart. Clawing up your chest. Flower buds blooming in your throat.
“There she is!” Sam throws an arm around your shoulders, pulling you into his side. “How long has it been?”
You roll your eyes even though your lips twitch. “It’s been, like, two weeks, Sam. No need to be dramatic.”
“Dramatic?” he echoes. “Try spending a week in the desert with Fly Boy over there.” He jerks a thumb toward Joaquín, whose eyes are slowly widening. “Man would not shut up about you.”
Your eyebrows shoot up. “About me?”
Sam nods with the weight of someone bearing deep emotional trauma. “Every day. Every night. ‘I wonder what she’s doing.’ ‘Do you think she’s sleeping?’ ‘Should I text her?’ ‘What if she—’”
“Sam,” Joaquín warns.
“No, no, don’t ‘Sam’ me,” he fires back. “You were a pain in my ass all week.”
You bite back a smile, heat blooming under your skin. “Wow. I know you missed me, but… that much?”
He shrugs a little too casually. “Sam exaggerates.”
Sam scoffs. “I wish I was exaggerating.”
Joaquín shoots him a glare that peel paint—but Sam just pats your arm.
“Anyway,” he adds with a grin, “good to see you again. Next time, don’t make me suffer through another mission with Lover Boy pining the whole time. You can tag along.”
Lover Boy?
Your heart starts to beat a little faster, heat crawling up your neck as you turn toward the restaurant’s front door. He doesn’t really mean that, right? Lover Boy. Sam’s just joking. Being dramatic. Trying to get a rise out of Joaquín.
Right?
You glance at Joaquín, but he refuses to meet your eyes. He just shoves his hands deep into his pockets, his cheeks a little redder than they were a few seconds ago. And when you look back at Sam, he’s already moved on—Lucía has her arm looped through his as they chat like old friends.
You follow them into the restaurant, pausing at the podium while the host checks the reservation under Joaquín’s name. Then you weave through tables until you reach a low booth, bathed in soft gold lighting and tucked away from the rest of the crowd.
Sam slides in first before Joaquín helps his mom onto the end.
“Can I take your coat, ma’am?” the host asks, almost startling you.
You glance at him, nodding. “Uh—yes. Please. That’d be great.”
You slip the leather jacket off your shoulders, and the reaction is instant.
Joaquín freezes.
His jaw drops, eyes dragging down the line of your dress, slow and hungry and stunned. He looks like he’s genuinely forgotten how to function.
“Holy fu—”
“¡Joaquín!” Lucía snaps, swatting the air. “Lenguaje.”
He swallows hard, jaw working as if he’s trying to form a second sentence and failing miserably.
Sam doesn’t even try to hide his amused snort. “Yeah,” he murmurs into his glass of water, “now I see why he wouldn’t shut up about you.”
Joaquín shoots him a murderous glare—but then his eyes flick straight back to you. The humour fades from his expression, leaving something quieter, darker, like gravity pulling between the two of you.
“You look…” His voice comes out rough, quieter than before. “Dios mío.”
Lucía clasps her hands together like this is the most romantic thing she’s ever seen, but Joaquín doesn’t seem to notice. His attention is pinned to you, every muscle in his body tense like he’s holding himself back.
Sam leans back in the booth, smirking. “Just pretend we're not here.”
And that’s when you finally look away—because if you don’t, you’re going to forget how to breathe.
Lucía clears her throat, clearly delighted. “Come, querida. Sit, sit—antes de que alguien se desmaye.” (Come, dear. Sit, sit—before someone faints.)
You keep your eyes down as you slide into the booth beside Joaquín—not across from him. His thigh presses against yours under the table, warm and solid and definitely intentional. Lucía is already telling Sam about today's trip to Crate & Barrel, but it all washes over you like white noise with Joaquín’s arm brushing yours.
Then the waiter appears.
He’s tall, all clean lines and easy confidence, a white towel draped over one arm. “Good evening,” he says, flashing a very professional—and very appreciative—smile in your direction. “Can I start you all with drinks?”
“We’ll start with a bottle of the house red,” Sam says.
The waiter nods—but his eyes stay on you. “And for you?” he asks.
“Oh—same is fine,” you say quickly, because it’s hard to think when Joaquín is sitting so close.
The waiter offers you another smile—warmer now. “Great choice.”
“Thanks,” you reply, trying to ignore the way Joaquín shifts just slightly beside you, his shoulder brushing yours like he’s reclaiming space.
“I’ll grab that bottle for you now,” the waiter says, barely even glancing at the rest of the table.
The second he’s gone, Sam looks pointedly at Joaquín, brows raised like he’s waiting for something. But Joaquín doesn’t say a word—he just clears his throat and busies himself with arranging his napkin on one knee like it’s a tactical operation.
“So, Lucía,” you say, desperate for distraction. “How long are you staying with your sister?”
She sets her glass down with a soft thunk, dark eyes meeting yours across the table. “However long it takes for me to convince Carla to break up with that criminal boyfriend of hers.”
Your brows shoot up, an amused smile tugging at your lips. “Oh?”
Joaquín sighs. “Mamá, he’s not a criminal.”
“Yes, he is,” she argues. “He has that awful little—uh, ¿cómo se dice perilla?”
“Goatee,” Joaquín mutters.
“Oh!” You giggle, turning to face him. “Weren’t you trying to grow a goatee last month?”
Lucía gasps. “¡Ay no, mijo!”
“That’s right,” Sam laughs. “Looked like he glued pubes to his chin.”
You laugh harder, pressing your lips together to keep from grinning like a maniac.
Joaquín scowls at him. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“It wasn’t good,” you mutter.
He whips around to you. “You said you didn’t mind it.”
You shrug. “I didn’t hate it, but it—”
“Tickled, I know,” he grumbles, rolling his eyes.
Your eyes go wide.
“Tickled?” Sam echoes, nearly choking on his water.
“¿Cosquillas?” Lucía repeats, looking mildly horrified.
You drop your face into your hands. “That’s not what I was going to say.”
Joaquín turns bright red. “Oh—no, I— that’s not—”
Before Joaquín can finish digging himself into a deeper grave, the waiter returns—wine bottle in hand.
“House red,” he says smoothly, presenting the bottle to you first. “Should I start you off?”
You look up, blinking. “Oh—sure.”
He uncorks it with practiced ease, and the whole table goes quiet. Even Sam stops smirking. The waiter pours a small amount into your glass and tilts it toward you with a gentle smile meant only for you.
“Tell me what you think.”
You pick it up and take a small sip. “It’s great.”
“Good,” he says—voice low and a little too warm. “I’ll pour for everyone else.”
He fills the other glasses—Lucía first, Sam second—and when he reaches Joaquín, he finally breaks eye contact with you. Just barely.
Joaquín meets his gaze, unwavering. His fingers tap once against the table. Sharp. Controlled.
The waiter doesn’t notice—or maybe he does, but his eyes slide right back to you anyway. “Have you had a chance to look at the menu, or should I give you a few more minutes?”
“Um.” You glance down at the menu, unopened on the table. “Maybe five more minutes.”
He nods once, still smiling. “Of course.”
Then he turns and walks away, hands clasped behind his back.
Sam chuckles. “Well, he’s friendly.”
“Too friendly,” Joaquín mutters.
You slide the menu off the table and finally flip it open. “He’s just doing his job."
Joaquín shifts beside you—his knee knocking yours, elbow brushing your arm—as he flips open his own menu. You glance at his other side, where he clearly has enough room to move over. But no. He’s going to stay right beside you, practically pressed against you, for some ridiculous reason.
Lucía and Sam start muttering about the menu, pointing at dishes and debating what to order. You can barely focus on any of it though—not with the heat still crawling under your skin thanks to Joaquín’s earlier slip-up. Your brain is fried, your whole body too warm, and by the time the waiter returns—not a second more than five minutes later—you haven’t even made it past the appetisers.
“Are we ready to order?” he asks, looking straight at you.
“Oh, um—” You glance at the menu, then back at him. “If you could just give me a couple more seconds, I—”
“Of course. I’ll start with the other side of the table.” He turns to Lucía. “What can I get you, ma’am?”
You drop your gaze again and start skimming the list. You’re not even that hungry—or at least, not for food—but this place has a great reputation, so you can’t not order one of the main dishes.
“You’ll like this one,” Joaquín says, pointing at a pasta dish. “Or that one.” He points to another.
You look at him from the corner of your eye. “Are you just saying that because you want to try those ones?”
His lips twitch. “Can’t both be true?”
You shake your head, eyes sliding back to the menu. “God, I know you too well, Torres.”
“And for you?” the waiter asks, turning to Joaquín with raised brows, no smile. “Sir?”
“I’ll have the chicken piccata,” Joaquín says, handing back his menu without breaking eye contact.
The waiter hums, scribbles something down, then looks at you. He’s smiling again—too warm—and his gaze flicks up to your face just a beat too late as you lift your head.
“Which would you recommend between the pappardelle and the ravioli?” you ask.
“I always recommend the pappardelle,” he says, leaning in slightly. “It’s rich. Creamy. Really indulgent.”
Joaquín’s arm tenses beside you.
“Great.” You close the menu and hand it to him. “I’ll get that.”
“Good choice.” His fingers brush yours—lingering just a second too long. “And if you need anything else, just let me know.”
You blink, the small frown between your brows slowly softening as realisation finally hits—he's flirting with you.
With one last smile, aimed only at you, he turns and walks away.
“I think—” you tilt your head, lowering your voice, “I think he was flirting with me.”
Sam snorts, and even Lucía gives a soft little laugh.
“No shit,” Joaquín mutters into his wine glass.
Your pulse trips, your heart stumbling out of rhythm.
Was that... jealousy?
No. It couldn’t be. Joaquín doesn’t get jealous. Not over you. Not when this whole arrangement is supposed to be casual and uncomplicated. Just two roommates who occasionally—and far too easily—find themselves tangled in each other’s sheets.
But there’s a tightness in his jaw now, and a stubborn set to his shoulders like he’s holding something back. Like that little brush of the waiter’s fingers just punched straight through something he’s trying very hard not to acknowledge.
And maybe you’re just imagining it.
Maybe it’s nothing.
But the warmth in your chest says otherwise, and suddenly the room feels smaller. His arm is still against yours, warm and steady, like he’s holding you there—or staking a claim.
You shouldn’t like it. You shouldn’t want the weight of it.
But you do.
You want him to be jealous.
“So,” Sam says, looking at you, “how’s work?”
You clear your throat, setting your wine down with an unsteady hand. “Good. Busy. But good.”
He nods, smirking. “Any interesting contracts lately?”
“None you’re cleared to know about.”
His brows shoot up. “Excuse me? I’m Captain America.”
You shrug, leaning back in the booth. “A spandex suit and an oversized frisbee doesn’t give you security clearance.”
Joaquín snorts beside you. “Ouch.”
You turn to him, one brow arched. “And what are you laughing about, fly boy? You think a mechanical bird costume is any better?”
“Wow.” Sam chuckles. “You actually managed to insult me twice.”
You laugh softly, fingers curling around your wine glass again. “I’m good, aren’t I?”
Sam rolls his eyes, Joaquín shakes his head, and Lucía just smiles into her sip of wine—like she knows something you don’t.
It doesn’t take long before Sam starts talking about their week in Nevada—joking about how much fun it was while Joaquín launches into a dramatic recount of why he’s never, ever going back. Lucía just laughs, muttering in Spanish about how much of a drama queen he can be.
You stay quiet, keeping your wine glass close to your chin and taking a sip every few seconds just to distract yourself from the warmth of sitting so close to him. From the way his thigh presses against yours, the way his arm keeps brushing yours every time he talks with his hands.
You’re so lost in the heat and the burn of wine at the back of your throat that you almost jump when the waiter steps up beside the table again.
“We’ve got the chicken marsala,” he says, placing a dish in front of Lucía. “And the lasagne.” He sets Sam’s plate down next.
Then he turns to your side of the booth.
He doesn’t announce Joaquín’s dish—he just sets it down without looking at him, then shifts the last plate into both hands and lowers it gently in front of you.
“The pappardelle,” he says, smiling now.
You sit up a little straighter, creating the smallest sliver of space between you and Joaquín. “Thank you. This looks amazing.”
The waiter leans in—subtle, but noticeable. “It tastes even better.”
You glance up at him. “I bet.”
There’s a beat of silence—a quiet pause where everything at the table seems to still, leaving you and the waiter holding eye contact longer than you meant to.
Then Sam clears his throat. Loudly.
“Right.” The waiter straightens, clasping his hands behind his back—but his eyes don't leave yours. “If you need anything else, just wave.”
You tilt your head, lips curving into a small smirk. “Or just read my mind?”
His smile widens. “I’ll try my best.”
When he finally walks away, the table doesn’t fall back into easy conversation—not right away. There’s a subtle shift in the air, the kind that buzzes under your skin before you even turn your head.
Sam is staring at you like you’ve just pulled off something mildly impressive and deeply inconvenient for him. Lucía hides another knowing smile behind her wine glass. And Joaquín… hasn’t moved.
You shift a little and reach for your fork. “So… this looks great, right?”
Sam lets out a quiet scoff. “Uh-huh. Sure does.”
You shoot him a look. “What?”
Lucía waves a hand. “Nada, querida. Absolutely nothing.”
But there’s definitely something glimmering behind her smile.
Beside you, Joaquín finally shifts—only just—but it’s enough to draw your attention. His fingers tighten around his napkin, smoothing the fabric with unnecessary precision. The muscle in his jaw ticks once, twice, and then he reaches for his fork.
“Eat,” he says softly, not quite meeting your eyes. “Before it gets cold.”
You watch him for a beat, unsure whether he’s annoyed, flustered, or trying very hard to pretend he’s neither. “Okay,” you murmur, twirling your pasta.
The moment you lean slightly forward, his thigh presses into yours again—firmer this time, unmistakable in its intent. And unlike earlier, you don’t move. You let him close that tiny distance between you—and his shoulders visibly relax.
But Sam notices, because of course he does, and he kicks Joaquín under the table.
Joaquín jolts. “Ow—what the hell?”
Sam just raises his brows, the universal expression for please, I am begging you, get a grip.
Joaquín glares at him, then grabs his wine and takes a long, steady drink—long enough for you to feel the heat gathering in your cheeks again, pooling low in your stomach.
You look back at your plate, stirring the pasta you haven’t even tasted yet, trying—and failing—not to smile.
Because dinner suddenly feels less like dinner… and more like Joaquín’s own personal brand of torture.
The rest of the meal settles into something surprisingly easy. A few minutes pass, then a few more, and the earlier heat simmering beneath the surface evens out into something warm and comfortable—tensions forgotten.
Conversation drifts from Nevada to work gossip to an argument about the best empanada filling, and somewhere between the second glass of wine and Joaquín stealing a forkful of your pasta, the sharp edges of the night soften.
Lucía tells a story about Tía Carla’s neighbour who owns seventeen cats and one very unhappy parrot. Sam nearly spits his wine laughing. And Joaquín mutters something ridiculous about government oversight for bird safety, which makes you roll your eyes so hard your head tips back against the booth.
And all the while, his thigh stays pressed to yours—not tense anymore, not deliberate, just there. Warm. Familiar. Like it’s the most natural thing in the world.
By the time everyone’s plates are scraped clean and the last drops of wine have been poured, the earlier tension feels like a distant echo. You’re a little flushed, a little full, and dangerously close to believing this moment could last forever.
Then Lucía sets down her glass—slowly, deliberately—and her eyes slide to you with the kind of gentle curiosity that should terrify anyone in a ten-mile radius.
“So, querida…” she begins, voice warm and sweet and laced with landmines, “how long have you and my son been so… close?”
The air stills.
Your pulse skips.
Joaquín goes rigid beside you, wine glass halfway to his lips.
Sam inhales sharply through his nose like he knows exactly how fast this is about to spiral.
And before any of you can even attempt to recover—
“How’s everything going?”
The waiter appears beside the table with a bright smile and absolutely disastrous timing, dessert menus fanned in one hand like this is the best moment in the world to ask about tiramisu.
“Ay.” Lucía’s eyes brighten. “Sí, algo dulce suena perfecto.” (Oh. Yes, something sweet sounds perfect.)
The waiter hands both Lucía and Sam a menu, then places one on the table in front of Joaquín before turning back to you with a soft smile.
“If you’re thinking about something sweet,” he says, handing you the menu slowly, “the torta al cioccolato is my favourite. Rich. Intense.” His eyes flick to your mouth—subtle, but unmistakable. “And very, very satisfying.”
You let out a soft hum as you take the menu. “Well… I do like to be satisfied.”
Joaquín goes completely still beside you.
The waiter smirks. “Then it’s perfect for you.”
You tilt your head, looking up at him through your lashes. “You sure?”
“Positive.” His voice drops. “And if you want, I can—”
“We’ll take the check,” Joaquín says—sharp, controlled, dangerous.
There’s a beat of stunned silence.
The waiter blinks. “Sir, I—”
“Check,” Joaquín repeats through his teeth. “Now.”
Lucía sighs, dropping the menu on the table. “Ay, Dios.”
The waiter hesitates—only for a second—before retreating in stiff silence, and the moment he’s out of earshot, Sam groans, dragging a palm down his face like he’s aging in real time.
“Este niño…” Lucía mutters under her breath, shaking her head.
You’ve stopped breathing. Completely. All you can do is stare at Joaquín—at his rigid shoulders, clenched jaw, the way his eyes refuse to meet yours.
“Are you—”
“Fine,” he snaps, grabbing his wine and finishing what’s left in one gulp before he sets the glass down harder than he means to. “Totally fine.”
Sam snorts. “Yeah. That’s definitely the vibe you’re giving off.”
Joaquín shoots him a warning glare just as the waiter returns with the check, placing it delicately in the middle as if worried someone might bite him. Understandable.
“Whenever you’re ready,” he offers gently.
Joaquín snatches it before anyone else can blink. “We’re ready.”
Lucía lifts a brow. “Mijo…”
“I’ll pay at the front,” he mutters.
Everyone shuffles out of the booth and gathers their things. Lucía slings her purse over her shoulder, a different waiter—female this time—brings you your coat, and Sam adjusts the waistband of his jeans like he’s eaten far more than he planned to.
You reach for your bag, but Joaquín grabs it before you can. “I’ve got it.”
Then he brushes past you and stalks toward the front of the restaurant, broad shoulders tense, every heavy step barely controlled. The host standing by the register sees him coming and visibly pales, his eyes growing wider the closer Joaquín gets.
Sam whistles under his breath. “Well. This was fun.”
Lucía pats your hand. “Don’t worry, querida. He’s just… feeling something.”
Your stomach flips. “What do you mean?”
She only smiles—too soft, too knowing. “You’ll see.”
The three of you weave through the tables until you meet Joaquín by the front door—receipt in hand, jaw still set, mouth a tense line.
“Okay,” he says. “Let’s go.”
There’s no room for argument. No waiting for anyone to gather themselves. He shifts until he's walking behind you, his hand hovering at your lower back but never quite touching—like he wants to guide you out but refuses to let himself.
The walk out is quiet. Heavy. Charged. You can feel his frustration radiating off him like heat, the kind that sinks beneath your skin and twists deep in your stomach. And the moment you step outside into the cool night air, he exhales—sharp, shaky, like he’s been holding his breath the entire time.
After Sam bids everyone a good night—giving Lucía an extra warm hug and wishing her luck—the rest of you climb into an Uber. The ride home is almost completely silent, save for the soft crackle of the radio. Not even Lucía tries to make conversation. It feels like hours before the car finally pulls up in front of your apartment block, and when you climb out, Joaquín is already offering his mother an arm—just like he had outside the restaurant.
You make your way through the lobby in that same thick quiet, ride the elevator up without a single word, and by the time the doors slide open onto your floor, the silence has turned into something almost suffocating.
Lucía exhales loudly—dramatically. “Ay, por favor. I’m done. I need a shower and a prayer.” Her eyes flick to Joaquín, then to you. “And tomorrow? I expect better comportamiento from both of you.”
Once inside the apartment, Lucía beelines straight for the bathroom, muttering something indistinguishable under her breath as she shuts the door behind her.
The moment the lock clicks, silence settles over the living room. Heavy. Awkward. Ridiculous.
Joaquín stands in the middle of the room, jaw tight, eyes flicking everywhere but you. You stay by the door, arms crossed, not moving. Not blinking. Not giving him an inch.
You glare at him.
He pretends not to notice.
From the bathroom, you hear the shower turn on—pipes creaking, water running, Lucía humming softly to herself.
Neither of you move.
Neither of you speak.
You just... wait.
After what feels like the longest ten minutes of your life, Lucía finally steps out of the bathroom, calls her goodnights, and disappears into Joaquín’s room. You hear the light switch click, the faint rustle of sheets, and then—silence.
Real silence.
Nothing but the muted sounds of the city outside, and the two of you standing in the dimly lit apartment. Still. Tense. Frustrated.
You break the silence first.
“What’s your problem, Joaquín?”
He finally looks at you. “My problem?”
“Yes, your problem. Because you spent the entire dinner looking like you wanted to throw that waiter off a building.”
He steps forward, jaw tightening. “Well, maybe you shouldn’t flirt with someone who can’t read a room.”
“Oh, you mean you?”
“Me?” he snaps. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“Keep your voice down,” you hiss. “Your mom doesn’t need to hear—”
“My mom just watched you shamelessly flirt with the waiter for two hours straight—I don’t think a little argument is going to shock her.”
“Shamelessly?” you echo, incredulous. “You really think I was the one in the wrong?”
He drags a hand over his face. “Can we not do this right now? I’m tired, I just—”
“No,” you fire back. “You've been acting like an asshole all night and you made a whole scene over dessert—so yeah, we’re doing this.”
“I didn’t make a scene.”
“You asked for the check like you were about to arrest him.”
“He was flirting with you,” Joaquín snaps. “Right in front of me.”
You frown. “So?”
He looks away, jaw flexing hard.
You take a step forward. “Answer me, Joaquín. Why is that a problem?”
“Because,” he starts, “we were—I mean, wasn’t it obvious that we’re—”
He stops.
Your breath catches.
“He was being unprofessional,” he mutters, too fast. “That’s all.”
“Oh?” You fold your arms, trying to hide the heat starting to crawl up your neck. “So I’m supposed to believe this is about restaurant etiquette?”
“Yes!” he snaps. “Friends don’t—” He cuts himself off too late, frustration spilling over. “Friends don’t do shit like that.”
The words hit you like a slap—and you go still. Very still.
“Right.” You try to laugh, but it comes out thin, broken. “Okay. You want to talk about what friends don’t do?”
His throat works once—visible, panicked—but he stays silent.
You step in, heat rising, heart beating too hard.
“Friends don’t sleep in each other’s beds,” you say, voice low and surprisingly steady. “They don’t shower together, or pin each other against walls, or—God, Joaquín—friends don’t fuck.”
His breath stutters, chest rising and falling too fast.
“And friends definitely don’t get jealous,” you finish, barely above a whisper. “So what exactly are we doing?”
Joaquín blinks. Once. Twice.
His mouth opens, then closes, then opens again.
“I… I don’t know,” he finally mutters. “I thought we were just... friends. I thought we could do this without it getting too complicated but maybe—maybe we should just stop.”
You feel the words hit like a punch to the ribs.
“Stop?” Your voice is soft—dangerous. “That’s what you want?”
“That’s not—” He drags both hands through his curls, taking a step back, panic rising fast. “Look, I’m just saying… maybe this whole thing was a mistake.”
Mistake.
The word hollows you out.
You let out a breathless, humourless laugh. “Wow. That’s great. Really, Torres—thank you so much for finally realising what a mistake I am.”
He winces. “I didn’t mean it like—”
“Save it,” you mutter. “Just... don’t bother.”
Then you turn on your heel, fury and humiliation burning hot beneath your skin as you march down the hall.
Behind you, he calls your name—once, soft, almost pleading—but you don’t look back.
You stop at your bedroom doorway, the last of your patience snapping clean in half.
“I hope the couch sucks,” you say.
Then you slam your door.
Hard.
-
You wake late and lie in bed until you can’t ignore your bladder any longer. The light leaking through your curtains is soft and grey—because of course it’s raining today. The universe would never miss a chance for dramatic ambiance.
When you finally drag yourself out of bed, you avoid the mirror, already knowing you look like heartbreak leftovers thanks to all the crying last night. You shuffle into the bathroom, hearing the faint sound of voices from the kitchen and hating the way your stomach twists with nausea. You wash your face, brush your teeth, and emerge hoping—praying—Joaquín might have left for the day.
But he hasn’t.
Of course he hasn’t.
You step into the kitchen and find him standing at the counter in sweats and a t-shirt, hair messy, eyes fixed on the mug in his hands like it personally offended him. He stiffens when he hears your footsteps, but he doesn’t look up.
You clear your throat. “Morning.”
His reply is barely a breath. “Morning.”
Lucía is sitting at the dining table watching with exasperation, her brows drawn, lips pressed, eyes flicking between the two of you—and the fourteen inches of stubborn silence between your bodies.
“Niños,” she mutters into her coffee mug. “You look like you’re in mourning."
You blink, but stay quiet. Joaquín just sips his coffee.
The silence stretches—too long, too heavy—until you finally sigh and step into the kitchen, moving around him like he’s a live wire. You keep your gaze fixed on the coffee machine, every nerve acutely aware of him standing close enough to feel the warmth of his body, but stubbornly refusing to look at you—or move away.
Lucía watches you silently, stirring her spoon with the slow, patient judgement of a woman who has already written both of your wedding vows in her head.
“So,” she says, far too innocently. “Did everyone sleep well?”
“Sí,” Joaquín lies immediately.
“Fine,” you lie right after.
Lucía hums. “Interesting. Because the couch,” she glances at her son pointedly, “is not comfortable.”
Joaquín’s jaw flexes. “It was fine.”
Lucía eyes the both of you one more time, clearly unimpressed with the silence thick enough to spread on toast.
“Voy a cambiarme,” she announces, rising from the table. “Then we go out. I didn’t fly all this way to watch you two stare at walls.”
Joaquín nods without looking up. You nod without looking at him. It’s pathetic. She knows it. You all know it.
When her bedroom door clicks shut behind her, the apartment slips into that same strained quiet as last night—all sharp edges and swallowed words. You scull your coffee while Joaquín rinses his mug. Twice. Maybe three times. Then, without a word, you head back to your room and try not to cry while you pick something to wear for the day.
Eventually, you all reconvene in the living room. Joaquín grabs his jacket. You grab your keys. And you both follow Lucía out the door like lost ghosts.
She drags you both across D.C. like a tourist seeing the city for the first time—museums, a market stall, a coffee cart where she insists you try something sweet.
Joaquín softens around her. He links her arm in his, laughs when she teases him, smiles without thinking. It hurts in a stupid, petty way. And you can’t bring yourself to walk too close. To join them. You’re just near. Hovering. Following.
Joaquín steals glances when he thinks you’re not looking.
You look away every time, pretending to be fascinated by a city you’ve known for years.
Then there’s lunch—which is worse. Much worse.
Lucía, clearly at her limit with the brooding, decides to try—bless her meddling soul—to lighten the mood.
“So, querida… Juan was very handsome, no? The waiter last night?”
You choke on air. Joaquín goes stone silent.
Lucía smiles like she’s one rude comment away from exploding into laughter.
“Yeah,” you mutter, looking anywhere but at Joaquín. “I guess.”
Joaquín’s jaw ticks, but he says nothing.
And that’s the end of lunch. No one speaks for the rest of the meal.
By the time you get back to the apartment, you’re all exhausted. Not just from walking through the city, but from tiptoeing around whatever fragile thing is hanging precariously between you and Joaquín right now.
Lucía sighs as she kicks off her shoes, then presses two fingers to her temples. “I’m going to lie down,” she murmurs.
Joaquín gives her a soft smile as she starts down the hall toward his bedroom, and when the door clicks shut, silence spreads through the apartment again, heavy like smoke—slow and impossible to ignore. You move into the kitchen just to have somewhere to stand, fingers hovering at the pantry door even though you have no idea what you’re looking for.
Behind you, Joaquín clears his throat. “I can order dinner later,” he says. “If you’d like.”
A peace offering—fragile as glass.
You keep staring at the cereal box in front of you. “I’m not hungry.”
He shifts—the kind of shift you feel rather than see. “You barely ate at lunch.”
“And you barely spoke,” you say before you can stop yourself, finally turning to face him.
His jaw tightens. “I didn’t have anything to say.”
“You could’ve tried,” you murmur. “You could have said something.”
He swallows once. Hard. “I’m trying now,” he says quietly. “I’m asking you to eat dinner with me.”
It should feel good. It should feel like effort. Growth. Something inching toward reconciliation. But it doesn’t. It just feels like someone pressing a thumb into a bruise to check if it still hurts.
You exhale hard, gaze dropping to the floor. “I can’t sit across from you and pretend we’re fine.”
He steps closer—barely—but it still feels like too much. “We’re not fine?”
Your eyes flick up, a short, hollow laugh slipping out. “You tell me, Joaquín.”
He doesn’t answer—he just looks at you, apology lingering at the edges of his gaze, swallowed by fear before it can reach his mouth.
“I’m gonna shower,” you say, already turning away. “I’ll... see you later.”
The bathroom door closes behind you without a slam—which is worse, somehow—a gentle surrender instead of rage. A reminder that you’re not angry, not really. You’re just... sad. Heartbroken. Finally at the crossroads you’ve been dreading, where you have to give up what you’ve been hopelessly holding on to.
Because it’s not real.
And you can’t keep pretending it is.
Under the hot spray of the shower, you press your forehead to the wall and let the water hide the tears you swore you were done with. When you emerge thirty minutes later, hair damp, wearing an old t-shirt you’re not even sure belongs to you, you can hear him in the kitchen with his mom—cutlery clinking over quiet conversation.
You hover in the hallway—not eavesdropping, just... overhearing.
Lucía’s voice is low, but not low enough.
“Joaquín,” she sighs gently, “¿Qué te pasa? You were cruel last night. And today? You barely spoke to her.”
“I wasn’t cruel,” he mutters. “I just—it's complicated and it got out of hand.”
Lucía sighs, exasperated. “You are so blind. How do you not see the way that girl looks at you? Desde el momento que abrió la puerta, I knew she was in love with my son.”
Your breath catches. Hard.
A chair shifts, scraping softly against the hardwood floor. You imagine him sitting back, rubbing the back of his neck—embarrassed, uncomfortable, running from the truth like it burns.
“Mamá…” Joaquín’s voice is soft, frustrated—afraid. “You’re reading too much into things. It’s not—we’re not—it’s just casual. Nothing more.”
Your heart lodges in your throat, fresh tears burning your eyes.
Lucía huffs. “Casual? Joaquín, cariño, nothing about the way you look at her is casual.”
The silence that follows is heavy. Thick. You know too well that kind—the kind full of truths that could shatter either one of you if you dared touch them.
You don’t wait to hear more.
Before anyone notices you standing there, you slip silently back to your room and close the door without a sound. You climb into bed, pulling the blankets up like armour, and stare at the ceiling as your heartbeat stutters in your throat.
Because she sees it.
Everyone sees it.
Everyone but him.
You lie there for what feels like hours. Or maybe it’s twenty minutes. Time is strange when your chest feels too tight to hold air properly. You stare at the ceiling until the shadows shift, then you roll over, curl into yourself, unfold again. You toss. You turn. You try to sleep.
But you don’t.
Your eyes burn, and you swipe at them with the heel of your hand like it might stop the ache. But it doesn’t. So you grab your phone, dim the brightness, and scroll mindlessly—news, memes, someone’s engagement announcement you want to be happy for but mostly you just feel hollow. You watch three videos of raccoons washing grapes and read half an article about hair loss you don’t absorb.
Eventually, you hear Lucía’s voice—soft, muffled—saying goodnight to Joaquín. Then a door closes, footsteps fade, and the apartment settles into stillness. The kind of quiet that leaves you alone with your thoughts. The kind you wish you could outrun.
You switch off your phone and try again—eyes shut, breathing slow, blanket tucked up to your chin. It’s peaceful for maybe sixty seconds.
Then thunder starts to roll, low and lazy across the night sky. Not dramatic, not a storm—just enough to rattle the window and stir something restless under your ribs. The kind of sound that makes you think of company, warmth, someone’s chest to press your ear against.
You squeeze your eyes tighter. It shouldn’t be like this. You don’t get to think about him right now.
He’s not yours—no matter how much you wish he was.
Then another rumble. Closer this time. Louder.
You shift onto your back and stare at the ceiling again—heart beating too loud, the air too thick, the walls too close. Every second stretches until you’re sure you could hear a pin drop.
And then—a knock.
So soft, it’s barely a tap.
You stop breathing.
Another knock—gentle, hesitant—the kind that asks for permission instead of expecting it.
You know that knock. You’ve felt it against this door before—late nights, whispered laughter, the weight of a body sliding under the sheets beside yours like it was natural.
“Hey—uh, are you awake?”
Your heart stutters hard enough to hurt.
“Um. Yeah.”
There’s a pause—like he’s gathering courage, or trying to decide if he should turn around.
“…Can I come in?”
For a moment, you consider saying no. You should say no. It’d be easier. Simpler. But your heart betrays you like it always does.
“…Yeah. It’s open.”
The door creaks, opening just enough for him to slip inside. The hallway light silhouettes him for a second—messy hair, wrinkled t-shirt, uncertainty shaped into a boy who looks like he hasn’t slept either. He closes the door softly behind him, as if a noise too loud might break whatever fragile thing hangs between you.
You sit up, dragging your knees to your chest and hoping your voice is steadier than you feel. “What’s up?”
He looks at you, then the blankets, then the window behind you.
“I… heard the thunder,” he says quietly. “Didn’t know if it bothered you.”
You huff a laugh. “It’s just weather, Torres. I’ll survive.”
He takes a tentative step closer. Then another.
“I know,” he murmurs. “But... still didn’t feel right leaving you alone.”
Your heart flips. Stupid, traitorous thing.
You tilt your head toward the foot of the bed. “You can—uh, you can sit. If you want.”
He hesitates—just a second—then sits at the edge of your bed, careful to keep space between you. Not touching, but close enough that the mattress dips toward him. Close enough that you feel him like static.
Silence settles. Not heavy like earlier—but fragile. Delicate. Like one wrong move could shatter everything.
Then Joaquín sighs, his shoulders sagging. “I hate this,” he admits.
Your throat tightens. “Me too.”
He nods, staring at his hands like the words he needs might be written in the lines of his palms.
“I keep trying to figure out what to say,” he murmurs. “But every version sounds wrong.”
You shift, not away from him but toward, the blankets rustling as you pull your knees tighter and wrap your arms around them. “You could try just... talking to me,” you whisper.
He exhales—a long, slow release that softens something rigid in his posture—and when he looks up, his eyes catch yours with a kind of tired honesty that twists something deep in your ribs.
“But what if I say something that ruins everything?”
Your breath stutters, just a little.
He notices—of course he notices. He always does.
Then, slowly, he shifts closer, like gravity is doing the work instead of intention. The mattress dips beneath his weight, and you feel it—not just physically, but in the air, in your bones, in the way your pulse picks up like it recognises something familiar approaching.
His knee brushes yours, light enough to pretend it didn’t happen.
Neither of you move.
The room is dim—only the glow of moonlight bleeding through your sheer curtains, soft and silver, painting the curve of his cheekbone, the soft dent beneath his lower lip where he bit down earlier without thinking. His curls fall messy across his forehead, still a little damp from his own shower, and he’s close enough now that you could count the beauty marks scattered across his skin.
He clears his throat quietly, eyes flicking to your mouth and back like he regrets looking—but can’t help it. “Do you remember,” he asks, voice low and too warm, “the rules we made? Back when this was supposed to be simple?”
Your heart squeezes, painfully.
You nod slowly. “Yeah. I remember.”
He leans in a fraction, voice soft with something vulnerable. “What were they again?”
You feel it then—the moment the floor drops out from beneath you, the air thickens, the entire world shrinking down to the fragile space between your bodies and that question sitting between you like a live wire.
He knows the answer.
You know he knows it.
But he wants you to say it.
He wants to hear it now—from your mouth.
And God, it’s intimate.
Intimate in a way sex with him never scared you, but this does.
He waits—eyes searching your face like whatever you say next could ruin him completely.
Your voice comes out quiet, barely above a whisper. “There were only two rules.”
Something shifts behind his eyes—recognition, regret, something carved deep and unspoken. He leans closer. Slow. Careful. Like he’s approaching something he’s wanted for a long time but never trusted himself to touch.
Your breath catches when his thigh presses flush against your hip, when you can feel the warmth of his exhale on your lips. You don’t move away. You couldn’t if you tried.
“What were they?” he asks—soft, coaxing, like he wants you to ruin him.
You swallow, hard, because saying them now feels like prying open your own ribcage and handing him your heart still beating.
“No kissing,” you say, your voice thin.
His gaze drops to your mouth—slow, reverent—as though he’s memorising the shape of the rule he’s been breaking in every touch, every look, every moment he let himself linger. He’s close enough that one tilt of your chin would erase the space between you, and he knows it. God, he knows it.
“And the second?” he breathes.
Your pulse thrums in your ears, loud enough you’re sure he can hear it. You lick your lips without thinking—and his eyes follow the movement like he’s starving.
You breathe in once. Shaky. Unsteady. Then you give him the second rule like reopening a wound half-healed.
“No falling in love.”
The words hang between you. Heavy. Bare. Irreversible.
His breath stutters. You feel it—the tiny hitch in his chest, the way his fingers curl into the sheets like he needs to hold onto something before he reaches for you instead. He leans in a fraction closer, close enough that the tips of your noses nearly brush.
“Shit,” he whispers, eyes searching yours. “We really fucked that up, didn’t we?”
Your lips part—but nothing comes out. You’re not sure you could speak even if you tried.
He lifts a hand, slow as forgiveness, fingertips trailing along your jaw in a feather-light graze. A question. A plea. Permission hanging on a breath.
“I’m done pretending,” he murmurs.
Your breath catches somewhere between want and fear.
“And I’m about to break both of those rules.” His voice drops low, wrecked. “Unless you tell me not to.”
The whole world stops.
You don’t say no.
You don’t even think it.
You just breathe his name—soft, helpless, like a prayer you’re tired of choking down. “Joaquín.”
And that’s all it takes.
He moves first—barely—just a tilt of his head, the faintest brush of his lips to yours like he’s afraid the moment will vanish if he touches you too quickly. It’s soft, tentative, a question disguised as a kiss. His mouth is warm, careful, almost reverent. Like he’s been waiting to do this for a lifetime and doesn’t want to rush the first second of it.
You inhale sharply—not out of surprise, but relief. Relief so deep it aches. You kiss him back just as gently, your fingers curling in the sheets like you need something to anchor you before gravity takes over.
And it does.
Because when you don’t pull away—when you lean in the smallest amount, when your lips part on a quiet, helpless sound he swallows up—Joaquín breaks.
His hand slides from your jaw to the back of your neck, drawing you closer with a desperation he’s fought too long to hide. The kiss deepens—slow at first, then hungry, then all-consuming—months of every touch but this, every touch but the one that mattered, breaking open between your mouths like those rules were never meant to exist.
He tastes like mint toothpaste and that fruity soda he had with dinner—familiar and new all at once, like something you’ve known forever and only just realised you were starving for. His other hand finds your waist, fingers splaying possessively, tugging you across the sheets and into him like he needs you closer—closer still—not just next to him, but against him.
You go willingly.
Your knees uncurl, your body shifting until you’re pressed chest to chest, breath mingling, heartbeats stumbling over one another. His curls brush your forehead, damp and soft, and he makes a sound low in his throat—not quite a groan, not quite a sigh—just pure want.
When you kiss him deeper, his fingers tighten at your waist; when you slide your hand into his hair, he exhales like you’ve knocked the wind out of him. The world narrows to mouths and heat and the slow drag of his thumb at your jaw as if he can’t believe you’re real.
He pulls back just a fraction, lips hovering over yours, breath shaky and warm.
“You have no idea,” he whispers, voice wrecked, “how long I’ve wanted this.”
And the way he says it—raw, unguarded, like confession and promise tangled together—makes your stomach twist, makes your pulse leap, makes any distance between you feel unbearable.
You kiss him again.
Harder this time.
His mouth meets yours, deeper this time—no hesitation, no gentleness left unspoken. The kiss steals whatever is left of your breath and gives back something hotter, hungrier. Your fingers tighten in his hair, pulling him closer, and he goes willingly, like he’s been waiting his whole life to be asked.
As you lay back, his weight settles fully between your thighs—careful, but urgent—and the low sound he makes against your lips borders on a plea. He’s everywhere at once—the warm press of his chest, the slow drag of his palm up the back of your thigh, the way his nose bumps yours when he tilts his head to kiss you harder.
He pulls back only far enough to speak, breaths mingling, foreheads pressed together.
“Tell me you want this,” he whispers—like he needs the words to anchor him. “Tell me you want me.”
Your thumb brushes his cheekbone, soft and trembling. “I want this,” you whisper. “I want you.”
Whatever restraint he had left dissolves.
He surges forward, kissing you like he’s making up for every night he talked himself out of this—slow, then deep, then deeper still, like he’s afraid to come up for air in case you disappear.
His hand slides beneath the hem of your shirt, pushing it up your ribs, reverent fingertips mapping skin he’s only ever touched in half-dark—never like this, never with your lips and your heart, never sacred.
He breaks the kiss just long enough to look at you—really look—eyes glassy like something inside him cracked open and light spilled out.
“You’re sure about this?” he asks, voice rough. “My mom’s still here, we can just—”
“Joaquín,” you breathe, “shut up and fuck me.”
He drops his head and groans against your throat, lips brushing your pulse, each word a confession pressed into skin. “I want you so bad,” he murmurs. “I want every last part of you—I need you."
He lifts the hem of your shirt higher—slow enough to back out if you push his hand away, slow enough for consent to breathe between you—but your hips arch instead, inviting, answering without words.
He exhales a shaky laugh—relief, disbelief, hunger—before pressing a kiss to your sternum through the thin cotton.
He helps you sit up just enough for the shirt to slip over your head, leaving you in nothing but underwear and the soft shadowed light. His gaze drags over you like a touch, slow and adoring, and his voice drops to something quiet and raw.
“You’re so beautiful.”
Then he leans down again, kissing the newly bared skin of your collarbone, then lower—trailing devotion like a rosary he’s repeating in reverse. His hands slide along your waist, your hips, your thighs, guiding you back into the pillows with something between gentleness and possession.
Your hands skim down his chest and curl into the fabric of his shirt, bunching it up until you can’t pull it any higher. A soft whine slips from your throat—wordless, pleading. He breaks the kiss only long enough to laugh under his breath, a low sound that vibrates where your palms rest on his skin, and then the shirt is gone—pulled over his head and tossed somewhere you’ll never find again.
He barely has it off before you’re touching him again, palms exploring lower, nails dragging lightly over the ridges of his stomach. He exhales like the contact winded him, like your touch is enough to undo him. Your fingers find the waistband of his shorts—hooking, tugging—and his breath catches as he shifts to help, pushing them down over his hips with a quick, desperate motion, never breaking the kiss for more than a second.
Your panties are last. The last thing between you and everything you’ve both been pretending wasn’t real. Wasn’t more.
His fingers hook in the waistband, dragging them slowly down your thighs with a reverence that borders on worship—slow enough for you to feel every inch, slow enough to make your whole body spark. You gasp when his fingertips brush the inside of your thigh, a shock of heat rippling through you, arching you off the mattress without conscious thought—just hunger. Just him.
When they’re finally gone, he settles between your legs again—and you gasp, sharp and helpless. He’s already hard, heavy, sliding through your slick with a slow grind that feels like he’s committing every inch of you to memory. Like he needs the friction. Like he needs it more than he’ll ever admit.
A strangled, unhinged sound tears out of you when the head catches just barely at your entrance—too close to ignore, not close enough to satisfy. Just torture.
He smiles against your mouth, voice a low murmur of affection and arrogance all tangled together. “Always ready for me, huh, cariño?”
Then he moves lower, his mouth closing over your nipple, and you break—back arching, thighs squeezing around his hips as his tongue flicks and his teeth graze just enough to make you burn. His hand cups your other breast, thumb circling lazily in a rhythm that steals the air right out of your lungs.
“Joaquín—” your voice catches when his hips roll, dragging the thick length of him over your clit, slow and deliberate.
“Shh, baby,” he whispers, breath hot against your skin as he moves to your other nipple. “Gotta be quiet for me.”
You bite your bottom lip hard—copper blooming faint on your tongue—trying to hold in the sounds clawing up your throat as your body arches beneath his mouth. He’s warm above you, solid and shaking, teasing you with slow, deliberate rolls of his hips that skim right where you’re aching for him. Heat coils low and deep, tightening with every breath, every touch.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers as his mouth trails up your collarbone, voice rough like gravel dragged over confession. “I was jealous last night.”
You let out a sound—half laugh, half desperate moan—nails digging into his back like you need something to hold onto before you break apart under him. Words scatter. Thinking is impossible.
“I wanted to kill that guy,” he breathes, lips brushing along your jaw, voice dark and sinful. “The way he looked at you…” His tone drops lower—a growl you feel in your spine. “You’re mine.”
The word detonates inside you. A shockwave of want. Of relief. Your back arches, thighs trembling as heat rushes through you like a fuse lit too fast. You swallow a moan, shoulders pressing into the mattress.
“P—please,” you pant. “Joaquín, just—”
He shifts, slow and deliberate, guiding himself against you again—teasing, sliding through your slick, dragging pleasure through you in agonising, perfect strokes that make your vision spark.
“Please what?” he breathes, noses brushing, lips hovering over yours. “Use your words, cariño.”
His forehead rests against yours, breaths shared, hot and uneven. You feel him steady himself before sliding along you again, slow strokes that have your whole body trembling, coating himself inch by inch in the proof of how badly you want him.
You whimper, hips tipping up instinctively in invitation, but he still doesn’t push in—not yet. Instead he catches your mouth again, kissing you slow and messy like he’s trying to burn the shape of your desperation into his mind, rocking his hips just enough to drag pleasure through you until your legs shake.
He groans against your lips, the sound deep and unguarded. “Dios, baby… you’re already so wet for me.”
“Joaquín—” your voice breaks, raw and pleading. “Please. I need you.”
He lets out a sound—half laugh, half pained relief—and shifts his weight to one arm, the other hand sliding between your bodies like he needs to feel exactly how ready you are for him.
“You sure?” he murmurs, searching your eyes like he’s asking for more than just consent—like he’s asking for trust.
Your hands move to cradle his face, holding him there, close. “Joaquín, I’m going to scream if you’re not inside me in the next five seconds.”
His answering laugh is wrecked, soft with something dangerously close to love. “As you wish.”
Then he moves.
He drags himself down, nudging right where you’re open for him, and pushes in—slowly, unbearably slowly—like he wants to feel every inch of you take him. Your body stretches around him, tight and warm, and his breath breaks in a shuddered moan at the sensation.
“Fuck—” he manages, voice thick and ruined. “You feel… Dios… you always feel so good.”
Your fingers dig into his back, pulling him closer without thinking, legs tightening around his hips like instinct. He sinks deeper, then stills, foreheads pressed, chests heaving together as the moment settles—heavy, holy, too much and not enough all at once.
His eyes open just enough for you to see them—dark, vulnerable, worshipful. “You’re perfect,” he whispers, like he means it. Like he finally understands it.
Then his mouth is on yours again, soft at first—an exhale, a promise—and then he sinks into you fully, slow and steady, until he’s as deep as you can take him. The sound that escapes the both of you is almost identical—relief, disbelief, something too raw to name.
For one suspended, impossible second, you just hold each other there.
Breathing. Shaking. Whole.
Then—on a breath that brushes your lips—he starts to move.
Slow at first. Deep. Each roll of his hips measured, deliberate, like he’s speaking with the motion instead of words—I love you. I want you. I’m yours. You’re mine.
Your fingers find his back, shoulders, curls, anything you can hold onto as your body moves with his like instinct. Your lips graze his jaw, a half-moaned, half-cracked sound caught in your throat.
“Fuck, Joaquín—”
He answers with a groan that sounds like it’s been waiting years to escape. He pulls back only to return with more intent, more need, and the drag of his body against yours sets your nerves alight. Heat coils low and tight in your belly, slow-building and unstoppable.
“Feels so good,” he whispers against your mouth, voice frayed. “You feel so good, cariño. I’m not—God—I’m not gonna last long.”
Your legs tighten around his waist, urging him closer, urging more, and he kisses you again—slow, hungry, desperate—even as his rhythm deepens, pace picking up like he can’t help it. Like you’re pulling it from him.
Each movement has you gasping softly into his mouth, the world narrowing to shared breath and heat and the way he holds you like you’re something holy.
“You’re mine,” he breathes between kisses, voice rough, almost breakable. “All mine. Gonna keep you right here—wrapped around me, making those pretty little sounds.”
You whimper, helpless to stop it. Every inch of him is inside you, moving through you, dragging against that tender spot that makes your vision blur. The tension between you—months of denial and longing—sparks like a live wire, lighting up every nerve in your body.
His thrusts grow harder, quicker—hungry now—each one hitting deeper, stealing the air from your lungs. Heat coils lower in your belly, winding tight, your whole body trembling under the rhythm of him. There’s nothing but the press of his chest, the warmth of his breath, the drag of his body inside yours. Too much. Not enough. Everything.
“That’s it, cariño,” he groans in your ear, voice rough. “You take me so fucking well.”
You don’t even know what sound comes out of you next—something broken, needy—and your hand slides up your chest, fingers pinching lightly at your nipple. His rhythm stutters, a shaky moan falling out of him at the sight.
“Shh,” you breathe, or try to, voice wrecked. “Gotta be quiet—your mom—”
“Fuck,” he gasps, hips snapping harder. “How am I supposed to be quiet when you—God—when you feel like this?”
His hand tightens on your hip, the other pushing your leg open wider so he can drive deeper, like he wants to carve himself into every part of you. Each thrust is devastating—deep and relentless—pleasure building sharp and fast, curling tight behind your ribs.
Skin meets skin in soft, desperate rhythm—wet, breathless, messy—the only sound in the room besides your shared panting, his soft curses pressed against your mouth, your throat, your shoulder.
Your thighs shake where he holds you open, but you barely register anything beyond the pressure building, climbing too fast, too much. Your fingers tug at your breast again, desperate for more, your voice breaking against his shoulder.
“Joaquín—” it’s barely a word, more a prayer. “I’m close. I’m—fuck—I’m already so close.”
“I know, cariño,” he grits, sweat dripping from his temples. “I can feel it. You’re gripping me so fucking tight.”
His pace stutters, then finds a slow, devastating rhythm—deep enough to bruise, tender enough to worship. He kisses you again, sloppy and hungry, like letting go would kill him. You feel how close he is too, can hear it in his jagged breathing, feel it in the way his muscles tremble with restraint.
“Gonna come for me, baby?” he breathes against your mouth, voice raw enough to break you.
You whimper, nodding helplessly. Words are impossible now—your mind gone, your body nothing but nerve endings and him. Every thrust hits that perfect spot inside you, grinding up into your clit with each downward roll of his hips. It’s maddening. Hot. Unforgiving. You’re shaking, eyes fluttering, breath catching in broken gasps.
Your fingers claw down his back, reaching for any grounding you can find, your other hand sliding down your stomach—needing more, needing something—
But he catches your wrist, pushes it away, replacing it with his own hand like he knows exactly what you’re asking for without you saying it. His thumb finds your clit and circles—slow at first, then with steady, knowing pressure that has your breath catching sharp in your throat.
Your whole body arches, breath caught in your chest, every muscle drawn tight as the pressure builds, sharp and consuming. His thumb doesn’t let up—circling, pressing, teasing—until it’s too much, not enough, and everything in between.
“Come on, baby,” he murmurs, voice thick and gone. “I’ve got you.”
Your thighs tremble around him, the pleasure twisting tight like a live wire pulled to snapping point. You choke out something broken—half a sob, half a plea. “‘S too soon—”
He lets out a wrecked, disbelieving laugh, forehead pressed to yours. “No it’s not. I’m right there with you. I—fuck—”
You crash your mouth to his, hips rising to meet the next thrust just as his thumb presses down perfectly—
And then everything goes white.
It hits you like a tidal wave—your orgasm ripping through you so fiercely it borders on pain, heat flooding every nerve as your body locks tight around him. You cry out before you can stop yourself, legs shaking, fingers digging into his shoulders like you’ll fall through the mattress if you don’t hold on. You pulse around him—slow, deep, relentless—and it feels endless.
“Fuck,” he groans, voice wrecked as he buries his face in your neck. He keeps moving through it, slower now but deeper, like he wants to feel every second of you coming around him. “That’s it. That’s my girl.”
You don’t even have time to breathe before he breaks too.
His hips falter, then stutter, and he lets out a sound you’re going to think about for the rest of your life—something raw and helpless and entirely yours. He thrusts once, hard and final, and you feel him come with a shudder that shakes through both of you, spilling into you as he gasps out a broken, devastating, “Fuck—I love you.”
You hold him as he falls apart, his body trembling against yours, his breath hot and uneven at your throat. The room is quiet except for your mixed breathing—heavy, tangled, like you’re still sharing lungs.
For a long moment, neither of you move. You just exist in each other’s arms, skin to skin, hearts trying to beat out of your chests and into each other’s.
Then he lifts his head and kisses you—slow and gentle. The kind of kiss that feels like an apology and a promise and a confession all at once.
You smile against his mouth, breath still shaky.
“I think,” you whisper, “we might have been a little loud.”
A huff of laughter escapes him—soft, breathless—like he’s too wrung out to laugh properly but too happy not to. He presses another slow kiss to your lips, then one to your cheek, then your jaw, like he can’t decide where to love you first now that he’s allowed to.
You both sink back into the pillows, limbs tangled without thinking. His weight settles partially on top of you, heavy in the nicest way—grounding, real. His hand slides under your ribcage and tugs you closer until your thigh is hooked over his hip, your chests pressed together, hearts finally beating in something that feels like harmony instead of war.
He noses your temple.
You smile.
And for a long moment, neither of you speak. You just breathe. Warm. Shared. Safe.
Your fingers trace lazy shapes up and down his spine, memorising him in quiet ways—the dip at his waist, the slope of his shoulder, the tremor still hiding in his breathing. You’re both wrecked. You’re both glowing. You’re both absolutely done for.
“Why now?” you murmur into the dark, voice soft and a little fragile. “We’ve been doing this for months. So… why now?”
He stills—not tense, just thoughtful—his thumb brushing the underside of your breast absentmindedly, like he’s touching you just to reassure himself you’re real.
“I’ve always loved you,” he says finally, voice quiet and unbearably honest. “I just… didn’t let myself say it. Or think it.”
You swallow, chest tightening.
He shifts, just enough to see your face in the low spill of moonlight, curls falling across his forehead. You run your thumb along the curve of his jaw, and his eyes flutter shut like the touch knocks something loose inside him.
“When we were in Nevada,” he admits, “I kept turning over in bed expecting to find you there. I kept looking for you in every stupid moment—at breakfast, in the hall, brushing my teeth—and you weren’t. And it felt like someone carved something out of me and forgot to put it back.”
Your breath catches. “It was only a week, Joaquín.”
“And then last night,” he continues, voice even softer, “watching that waiter look at you like he had a chance—like he could be the one to make you laugh, or hold you, or wake up next to you—I realised I couldn’t do it anymore. Couldn’t share you. Couldn’t pretend this was casual. Not when every part of me already feels like it belongs to you.”
Your eyes burn—warm, aching.
“Joaquín...” you whisper, not sure how to hold everything he’s giving you.
“I don’t know why it took me so long,” he says, thumb tracing slow circles at your hip. “But I know we broke that rule months ago. I just didn’t have the guts to say it.”
You run your hand through the curls at his nape, gentle and slow.
“And now?” you ask.
He kisses you—soft, sure—like the answer is in his breath and not his words.
“Now I’m yours,” he murmurs against your lips. “You’re stuck with me.”
You tuck your face into the curve of his throat, breathing him in—warm skin, mint, something that feels like home. His arm curls around your waist, holding you like he doesn’t plan to let go this time. Maybe ever.
This time, when you shut your eyes, sleep comes easy.
And when it finds you, it’s tangled together—his fingers laced with yours, your leg thrown over his, his breath slow and steady against your shoulder like a promise.
Somewhere down the hall, a floorboard creaks softly.
Lucía’s door, maybe.
Or fate laughing quietly to itself.
Either way, you fall asleep smiling.
-
Sunlight wakes you before anything else—soft, warm, slipping through the curtains in thin golden stripes across the sheets. The first thing you register is heat against your back. A slow rise and fall. An arm around your waist. A leg tangled with yours like he anchored himself there in his sleep and never let go.
You turn your head just enough to see him—hair a mess, mouth soft, lashes dark against his cheeks. He looks young like this. Peaceful. Like last night cracked something open and let light in.
For a few minutes you don’t move.
You just watch him breathe.
Like a creep—maybe—but you don’t care.
Eventually, he stirs—nose brushing your shoulder, fingers flexing at your hip like his body notices you’re awake before his mind does.
“Morning,” he murmurs, voice thick with sleep.
You turn enough for your noses to brush, and he kisses you—slow, unhurried, the kind of kiss that feels like a secret being shared instead of stolen. His hand slides up your spine, fingertips barely there, just tracing, memorising.
It would be easy to stay here forever.
Too easy.
But your stomach growls—loudly. You didn’t eat dinner last night.
Joaquín snorts, his laughter warm against your mouth. “Okay,” he says, “I think that was a cry for food.”
You shake your head, nuzzling into his neck. “Five more minutes.”
He kisses your forehead, then your cheek, then your lips like punctuation marks. “If we wait five minutes, we won’t leave this bed.”
And he’s right—because the way he’s looking at you makes it a dangerous truth. So you groan, flop onto your back, and let him sit up, curls messy and lit by the bright morning sun.
He offers his hand, and you take it.
You both slowly find your clothes from last night, thrown somewhere across the room. It isn’t fast, because every time you get close, you pull each other in for another kiss. Just one more. Which is a lie every time, because after ten minutes of getting dressed, you’re both still only halfway there—sprawled across the bed again, hands roaming, smiles pressed against each other.
By the time you make it to the kitchen, you’re both half-dazed, hair scrambled, wearing the kind of glow you couldn’t hide if you tried.
Joaquín moves around the kitchen with that easy familiarity he always has—barefoot, shirtless, sunlight catching the slope of his shoulders as he rummages through the pantry. You hop up onto the counter just to watch him move, legs swinging, hands gripping the counter edge. It’s embarrassingly domestic how natural it all feels.
When he reaches the coffee machine, you feel your skin warm with recognition. His hand brushes your knee on the way, thumb lingering just a second too long. And the moment the button clicks on and the machine hums to life, you wrap a hand around his bicep and tug him closer.
He lets out a surprised laugh but goes willingly—slotting between your legs like he belongs there, looking up at you with those stupidly soft brown eyes that have completely ruined you.
“Can I help you?” he asks, smile lazy and lovesick.
You hum, hands sliding up to cradle his jaw. “I don’t know. Got anything to offer?”
“For you?” His fingers tighten at your hips, warm and sure. “Anything. Everything. Just ask.”
You try to roll your eyes, but it dies halfway with a lovesick grin to match his. “God, you’re cheesy.”
“But you love me.”
You inhale, leaning in until your noses brush. “Yeah,” you breathe. “You’ve got me there.”
And then you kiss him again.
Slow at first—soft and morning-warm—but it deepens quickly, heat sparking under your skin like flint to tinder. Your legs wrap around his waist, pulling him closer, and he goes pliant in your hands, mouth parting for you like he’s been waiting all morning for this exact contact.
The kiss turns lingering. Then hungry. Then something sweeter—fed by new honesty instead of tension.
His mouth trails to your jaw, down your throat, kisses slow and sweet and sinful, and your fingers dig into his shoulders as he presses closer, hips nudging against the counter between your thighs. You gasp against his lips and he swallows the sound eagerly, thumb brushing your jaw, eyes dark with softness and hunger all at once.
And that’s when—
“Ahem.”
You jolt so hard you nearly knee Joaquín in the stomach.
Lucía is standing at the edge of the kitchen—still in her slippers and robe, smirking like God personally handed her front-row tickets.
“Well,” she says, “glad you two have finally learned how to communicate.”
Joaquín’s cheeks go pink, and you bury your face in his shoulder.
“Buenos días, Mamá,” he mutters, voice embarrassingly wrecked.
“Buenos días, mijo,” she says, smirk widening as she steps around you both toward the coffee machine.
Joaquín peels himself away from you, strategically keeping his back to his mother as he rounds the breakfast bar to stand on the other side in the world’s most obvious attempt at dignity. His ears are red. His neck is red. He is, in fact, a tomato with abs.
You slide off the counter and drift to his side, like gravity is a concept invented just for the two of you.
“Sleep well, Lucía?” you ask, trying for casual and missing by a mile.
She hums as she pours her coffee. “Very well.”
Then she pauses, takes a slow sip, and turns to face you both—with a smile so smug it should be federally regulated.
“Although,” she says lightly, “I think this apartment is embrujada.”
Your stomach drops. “Haunted?”
She nods, far too innocent. “Sí. I heard… noises… in the middle of the night.”
Heat rushes to your cheeks so violently you’re surprised the lights don’t flicker.
“Oh?” Joaquín replies, edging behind you like the coward he is. “What kind of noises?”
Lucía takes another sip—slow, dramatic, weaponised. Her eyes never leave her son.
“You know what kind of noises, hijo.”
Lucía sets her mug down, eyes twinkling with wicked amusement. You already know she’s about to deliver something lethal—and she does.
“Bueno,” she says casually, as if commenting on the weather, “if you two are finished making the walls shake, maybe we can celebrate properly. A nice dinner? Or…” she pauses just long enough to kill you both, “the engagement party later?”
You choke on air. Joaquín chokes harder, spluttering like someone handed him a live grenade instead of a mug.
“Mamá,” he manages, voice cracking in the middle. “We literally just—”
She waves a hand, dismissing his suffering. “Ay, por favor. Why so embarrassed? You’re grown adults. You don’t think I know how these things work?”
She pauses—taking another slow, theatrical sip of coffee.
“I know where babies come from, hijo.”
You’re pretty sure your soul leaves your body.
Heat floods your cheeks and you step back, searching desperately for dignity and finding absolutely none. “I’m—uh—going to… get dressed before I die of embarrassment,” you say, words tripping over each other as you retreat like you’re escaping a burning building.
You make it halfway down the hall when arms wrap around your waist from behind—warm, strong, sure—and a laugh ghosts against your neck.
“You’re really just going to leave me to suffer alone out there?” Joaquín murmurs, voice low, teasing, already smiling.
You try for stern and fail spectacularly. “Yes. Obviously. That's your mother.”
He spins you gently—not dramatic, just enough that your toes leave the floor and you let out a startled squeal you’ll deny later. You land against his chest, palms splayed over warm skin, and he looks at you like last night wasn’t a mistake or a question—like it was a beginning.
His forehead dips to yours, voices low enough that Lucía can’t hear.
“You’re not going anywhere,” he whispers. His hands slide to your hips, grounding you, worshipping you in the simplest way. “Not a chance.”
Somewhere from the kitchen, Lucía calls out—
“¡Cierren la puerta si van a hacer más ruido!” (Close the door if you're going to make more noise!)
You bury your face in Joaquín’s shoulder as he walks you backward toward your room, and he’s shaking with silent laughter, kiss landing on your cheek like it belongs there.
The world feels warm. Ridiculous. New.
And when he nudges your door open with his foot, you know exactly how your day is going to end—happy, stupidly in love, tangled up in him with no intention of ever letting go.
© 2025 geminiwritten. this work is protected by copyright. unauthorized use, reproduction, distribution, or training of artificial intelligence models with this content is strictly prohibited. all original elements of this fanfiction belong to geminiwritten. characters and settings derived from original works belong to their respective creators.
idk everyone go read this masterpiece
where are all the chicago fire fanfics
two tickets to iron maiden
pairing: teenage dirtbag!bucky barnes x popular girl!reader
warnings: 18+ MDNI, smut, college setting, banter, enemies w/ benefits, pining but semi unrequited, yearning, angst, miscommunication is heavy in this one, fluff, p in v sex, jealousy, mean soft dom!bucky, aftercare, praise, degradation, dirty talking, pet names: "pretty princess" "angel" "loser"
word count: 14.5k this is pt 2. find pt 1 on my series masterlist
a/n: thank you so much for all the love for pt 1. i love this concept sm so i decided to write a pt2. dt to @blowingbarnes for geeking out over emo music w/ me and saying "this is so dirtbag barnes core" the song that bucky and his band were playing in the garage was "hit or miss" by new found glory.
synopsis: Once your situationship with “dirtbag Barnes” becomes more public, everyone around you only seems to widen the gap—filling both your heads with the wrong ideas until communication completely falls apart. And if things weren’t messy before… well, sugar, you’re both going down swinging.
Bucky could only stare in awe as he watched you standing there in the middle of the crowd, glowing in the pink band tee he made just for you.
He had never played the drums this hard, this passionately in his life. Was this how Ringo Starr felt when he saw his wife in the crowd at their shows? He started to let his imagination run wild—maybe in the future, if Civil War ever got big, he could bring you—as his partner—along on their tours.
Maybe even make you a backup-lead singer, just like Bruce Springsteen and his wife Patti Scialfa.
He let his imagination run wild as he rocked out hard on the drum set. Every word that Steve sang out, every word that Bucky had written in his song journal, was a word that was written for you.
When he looked up from his sticks, his eyes only found you. His eyes traced the way you danced and smiled—your pretty Mac lipstick spread wide just for him. It reminded him of the night when he first saw you like this, and just that sight alone was enough for him to fall in love all over again.
Performing was his favorite thing to do, but he wanted nothing more than to pull you backstage and fuck you right behind the curtains—to rip the shirt that he designed off your body and press sloppy kisses all over you.
Their set finally came to an end, and the crowd was cheering wildly. Steve yanked the mic off the stand, the sharp feedback only seemed to rile the crowd up even more. These weird kids loved loud noise.
“Alright, alright!” Steve beamed into the mic. “Thanks for stickin’ around and listening to our...” he turned, motioning to the rest of the band, “very mediocre playing.” The crowd laughed. “We’re Civil War, which sounded way cooler when we came up with it at two a.m.! Thanks, and goodnight!”
The crowd erupted into the loudest cheer Bucky had ever heard. He was pretty much stumbling over the drum kit as he made his escape. Steve usually insisted on a band debrief post-concert with a side of beer and cigarettes, but Bucky couldn’t wait for any of that.
He had to get to you.
“Buck, where are you going?” Sam called from the stage, lifting the strap of his guitar over his shoulder.
Bucky paid him no mind. He jogged down the backstage steps and pushed the side door open, intent on getting to you. But the moment he stepped out, he collided with a group of girls camped right outside, and they all reeked of stale beer.
“It’s Bucky!” one girl gasped, and the rest swiveled toward him like a school of fish suddenly spotting a regular piece of white bread.
“Oh, fuck,” Bucky muttered, his hand flying back to the doorknob, twisting it urgently to escape.
Locked.
“Bucky, you were amazing out there!”
“I could see your muscles through your shirt. You were banging on the drums really hard—”
“Bucky! I’ve got something else you can bang on—”
“Jesus Christ,” he groaned.
This wasn’t the first time Bucky had been swarmed by girls trying to get laid by a band member. He used to be fond of the popularity and attention that came with being in a rock band. But ever since he met you, the only attention he craved was from the girl who gave him nasty side-eyes and snarky comments all while clutching a pink handbag.
He spun around, pounding on the door with his fist and rattling the knob. “Sam! Let me in!” he shouted. But his prayers were left unanswered. Seriously—that guy was shouting his name just a few seconds ago, and now he’s up and vanished?
Bucky stiffened when he felt a surprisingly strong hand clamp down on his shoulder, spinning him back around to face the girls. They stepped closer, pressing him against the door as the girl’s hand lingered on his bicep, giving it a firm squeeze through his shirt.
“He really is strong!” she said gleefully.
“Get your hands off of me,” he gritted, his hand immediately wrapping around her wrist and prying it away from his arm.
“You don’t have a girlfriend, do you, Bucky?” she frowned. “I did my research. All of the members in Civil War are single.”
One of the girls behind her gasped. “Is that true?”
He swallowed hard. Maybe if he gave this girl an answer—any answer—they would finally leave him alone.
“Not necessarily—” the word barely left his lips before his eyes caught on something at the end of the dim, packed hallway.
You.
You were standing right there, square in the middle, blocking people’s paths with your arms crossed tight. Your hip was slightly jutted out, your mini-skirt rising and falling as you tapped your heeled toe impatiently against the floor. Your manicured fingers were gripping your arms tight as you glared directly at him. Your pretty face was twisted up into the sourest expression he’d ever seen, your lips pursed in utter disgust.
Normally, that look of yours would give him a raging hard-on. But right now? He was absolutely fucking terrified.
The overheard light flickered once, and he swore that if he looked away for even just a second, you would slit his throat with your fingernail.
“—shit,” Bucky muttered under his breath. He straightened up quickly, forcing a nervous grin. “Hey, I was just—uh, on my way to find you—”
“Oh, I’m sure you were,” you interrupted, your eyes narrowed into a searing glare aimed at the girls. “You don’t want to sleep with him, girls. Trust me. I’ve also done my research. Heard he has the smallest dick size in the band and can last about thirty seconds max. Try Rogers instead.”
Silence fell as all the girls just blinked. Before Bucky, or any of them, could utter a word, you spun on your heel and stomped out of the hall. Your hips swayed and your hair swooshed like a stuck-up princess making a grand exit. The girls all took a step back as your words processed in their minds.
Fuck, you were mean.
You got the girls off his back at the expense of his pride, but Bucky didn’t care about that. He knew you were pissed. He knew you were possessive of anything that belonged to you. And although you would never say it out loud, you were most particularly possessive of him—because he belonged to you too.
“Hold on—” Bucky pushed his way through the crowd of girls, calling out for you. “Hey, baby—wait!” He caught up to you in quick strides, grabbing your arm and stopping you.
“Don’t ‘baby’ me,” you snapped, spinning around angrily in the middle of the bar and jabbing a finger square into his chest.
He furrowed his brows. “Don’t tell me you’re actually upset—”
“Upset? Why would I be?” you scoffed, clearly upset. “How do I know I’m not the only one you call ‘baby’?”
Bucky sighed, running a hand through his shaggy hair. He should have expected this. Steve was right when he said girls came throwing themselves at him after every show. Since this was your first time watching him play, he should have warned you. But to be fair, he hadn’t expected you to even show up at all.
“Come on, baby,” he flashed the smile he knew you loved. He grabbed your hand, pulling you close until you nearly collided with his chest. “Can’t you just tell me how good I played? I’m so happy you showed up, really. I mean—I played extra hard for you,” his hand slinked around your waist, pulling you closer. “And I know how much you love it when I play hard. If you know what I mean—”
You pushed him away and let out a frustrated groan. You crossed your arms again, glaring at him. Bucky had to bite his lip to keep from smiling, because... how could he not? Especially when you were standing there, dripping in designer pieces, yet wearing a cheap cotton T-shirt that read, “CIVIL WAR” in bold lettering.
“That shirt looks so damn cute on you.”
“Yeah? Why don’t you go make your little groupie a couple of matching shirts, then?” you sneered.
Bucky blinked. This was the first time he had witnessed you like this. You had been protective over your designer bags and shoes, but never over him. You were feisty, crude, yet for some reason, he was drawn to it. He felt an overwhelming sense of pride knowing that he could make you—a girl with her head so steady on her shoulders—jealous.
“I can’t believe the pretty princess is actually jealous,” he took a step closer, immediately closing the pitiful distance you created.
“It’s not like we’re... really in a relationship, are we?” He questioned, and immediately regretted his words once he saw your face twist.
Although the question sounded more like he was the one who needed reassurance, it seemed you took it the wrong way—like a taunt. He realized now just how terrible he was with words. Writing songs came naturally, but saying things out loud was another thing entirely.
He tried to backtrack before it was too late. “Okay, hold on. I didn’t mean—”
You barked out a harsh, humorless laugh. “No,” you shook your head. “You’re right. We’re not in a relationship. So really, I don’t know why I’m here in the first place.”
Your face was starting to flush, and Bucky was smiling before he could stop himself. He knew he wasn’t helping the situation, but he genuinely couldn’t hold back when you were standing there looking like Tinkerbell with a scrunched-up, angry red face. He didn’t know what possessed him to say the next words—maybe it was the adrenaline from playing just moments ago, or the insistent pressure of his cock against his zipper at seeing you riled up.
“Wait, princess—don’t you want to at least give me a kiss for playing so good?”
Your eyebrow twitched with annoyance. “I can’t believe you,” you spat, rolling your eyes and spinning on your heel, leaving him standing in the middle of the room alone with all eyes now turned on him.
Bucky continued to call after you, but you refused to listen. You were here, in his space—the odd one out—and he was taunting you rather than defending you. You knew Bucky was bad with words, but you weren’t going to stand here and let yourself get humiliated for any longer.
As you left, Steve, Sam, and Natasha were standing by the bar in silence, a drink in each hand, their faces stunned.
Natasha scrunched her face up, looking utterly confused, while Steve’s jaw hung open. “I can’t believe Bucky is—”
Sam cut in with the same realization. “—they’re screwing each other?”
“I can’t believe you’re actually playing around with her,” Sam huffed, his arm resting lazily on the couch. “I mean—when did this happen? How did this happen?”
It was the next day, and Bucky could not hear the end of it. After your little jealous outburst at the bar, the band had discovered his relation-not-so-ship with you, and since then, he had been subjected to their unrelenting teasing.
“Barnes is not unattractive,” Natasha said, her fingers idly plucking at the strings of her bass. “I’m not surprised he was able to snag one of the popular girls dressed in pink.”
“Thanks, Nat,” Bucky said, his chest rising and falling after he downed a water bottle. “I don’t know why Sam is acting like I haven’t touched a woman in my life—”
“Though I bet she tops him.” Natasha included.
“What the fuck, Nat.”
Steve snorted, letting himself fall into the open space next to Sam. “So, all the times you’ve ditched practice in the middle of the night, was for her?”
Bucky tried to hide his flushed grin, feeling sheepish. “Yeah,” he admitted bashfully, smiling behind his drum set like an idiot.
“Unbelievable,” Sam groaned, tossing a throw pillow at him, hitting the cymbal on the way. “Our boy Barnes is out here ditchin’ practice to get laid—”
“Shut the hell up, Sam,” Bucky hissed, cheeks burning as he threw the pillow right back even harder.
“She’s like the last person I expected you to be with,” Steve chuckled, grabbing an opened beer bottle on the floor and taking a swig. “How long have you two been seeing each other?”
Bucky rested his hands in his lap, fiddling his fingers like a child. “For a few weeks now. I saw her at one of the backyard gigs,” he shook his head as he recalled the fond memory. “She looked so beautiful that night.”
Sam had to hold back a laugh while Steve gave him a smack on the back, shutting him up. Steve nodded his head, urging him to continue. “Jesus, Buck. I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this head over heels over a girl since, like—” he tapped his chin, “the third grade.”
“You must really like this girl, don’t you?” Sam questioned.
“Shut up, guys,” Bucky mumbled, though the red shading on his ears and the smile he wore were clear signs he didn’t mind the teasing—because to him, it meant he got to talk about you more.
Natasha finally looked up from her instrument. “So, you two have been screwing around for a few weeks—nearing a month... and you two are... what?”
“What do you mean?”
Natasha just shrugged. “Like talking, or just hooking up?”
Bucky finally lifted his head, and his fingers stilled. “Uh—I don’t know.”
Steve and Sam exchanged a look before looking back at Bucky.
“We heard you at the bar—I mean, everyone heard you at the bar. You said you two weren’t ‘really in a relationship,’” Sam said, using air quotation marks. “But then she got jealous when you were surrounded by chicks. What’s up with that?”
Bucky shrugged, rubbing the back of his neck. “I mean… she has every right to be jealous,” he said casually, as if it were obvious. “Even if she isn’t officially mine or I’m not… hers.”
There was a brief pause, where the three of them just exchanged glances, already all thinking the same thing.
“Hold on,” Sam shook his head, trying to wrap his head around it. “You’re telling me that she gets the right to be jealous even though you two aren’t official? Is that what I’m hearing right now?”
“We don’t need a title to feel things.”
Steve exhaled slowly, fingertips idly tapping against the glass bottle. “Okay, but do you two even talk about what you are? Or are you just hoping she’ll eventually call you her boyfriend?”
Bucky’s jaw tightened, his smile slowly fading. “It’s not that simple, Steve.”
Natasha turned to him, one hand resting on the neck of her bass and the other on her hip. “Then explain this, Barnes,” she tilted her head. “If she gets to be jealous, you get to be jealous too, right?”
“Look,” Bucky sighed, resting his hands on his legs and leaning forward as he eyed each and every one of them. “If this is about Walker—she already told me they aren’t dating.”
Natasha pressed her lips together, like there was more she wanted to say but the right words wouldn’t come out—so instead, Steve spoke up first. “It’s just… every time we see her walking around campus, she’s always with Walker,” he started, eyeing Bucky’s reaction carefully.
Bucky stayed quiet, keeping his jaw tight as he picked up his drumsticks. “We should just rehearse—”
Natasha scrunched her face, oblivious to Bucky’s growing unease. “He’s practically glued to her hip. Like—every hallway, every table in the dining hall—he’s always right there. He’s like some emotional support frat boy.”
“Guys,” Bucky cut in with an awkward laugh, “we should—”
“And,” Sam added, “he keeps bragging about having her at his side. Didn’t he say something like—what was it? ‘She’s practically mine, she just doesn’t know it yet’?”
Natasha nodded. “Yeah. That.”
Bucky let out a low and agitated exhale. “Walker is full of shit. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.” He scratched his temple, his foot tapping impatiently against the floor as he kept his gaze steady on the drum set. “Look—can we just fucking practice already? We’re wasting time here.”
Steve leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, and adopted a softer, gentler tone. “Buck, we’re not trying to piss you off. We’re just worried about you, you know? You ditch our practices to go to her every time she calls you—and apparently, you two have been screwing around for weeks, and we didn’t know about it until—” he looked at the rest of the group, “now.”
Sam nodded. “And she won’t put a label on you, but she’ll happily be seen with Walker?”
Bucky kept his head down, pretending to be occupied with the marks on his snare drumhead. “It’s more complicated than that,” he muttered. “You guys wouldn’t get it.”
Sam opened his mouth, likely to push further, but Steve clamped a hand on his shoulder—a silent warning to stay quiet. “Alright,” with a groan, Steve sat up and took another swig of his beer. “We’ll drop it.”
With one last swig, he set the glass down on a crooked side table and picked up his Fender. “Let’s practice.”
Steve adjusted his strap, rolling his shoulders back. Natasha stood up straight, her hands already over the strings of her bass. Sam sat up and grabbed his pick off the table. Bucky’s grip tightened on his sticks—his palms slick and clammy. He leaned forward, trying to settle in as Steve counted them in.
“One…”
Bucky shut his eyes, his leg already bouncing up and down as he tried to keep his hands tight around the sticks.
As much as he hated to admit it, everything his friends said was true. The entire time you two had gotten close, he was your dirty little secret. You didn’t want to be seen with a guy like him. You claimed you didn’t want a title—yet you were prancing around with John fucking Walker?
“Two…”
You told him you and John were nothing—just like all the guys before—and he believed you. He wanted to believe you. Hell, he thought he could see it in your eyes every time you hung around those frat boys. Bucky knew he was special to you—otherwise you wouldn’t have shown up to his gig, wearing the shirt he made you… right?
But then your reaction to the girls after the show had thrown him off. You wanted to keep whatever you two were a secret, yet you were openly jealous—and then you hadn’t spoken to him since.
Neither of you had.
“Three…”
All the words the band told him were racing in his mind, his heart already beating faster than the tempo of the song they were about to play. His palms grew sweatier despite not having hit anything. He imagined you—hanging out with God knows who—someone who wasn’t him.
Maybe after seeing how many girls were interested in him, you grew uninterested.
Maybe he should have tried reassuring you that there was no one else but you. Maybe he shouldn’t have mocked your anger as a joke.
But why would you have the right to be jealous when you couldn’t even call him your boyfriend?
“Four!”
The song started off with Sam’s strumming—a tight rhythm, quick downstrokes. Then Bucky smacked the snare and hit his cymbals, kicking off the beat. Natasha’s bass followed right behind, and then Steve leaned into the mic as his lead guitar part came in.
Then, Bucky’s drums came in hard.
The drums were supposed to match the upbeat, punchy tempo that everyone else was following—those crisp snare hits and rapid-fire pop-punk bursts that kept the momentum alive. But Bucky slammed into the kit like he was trying to blow through the song rather than play it.
Sam tried to maintain his rhythm, but Bucky was already pushing the tempo.
Natasha held the groove, but Bucky kept speeding up.
Steve tried to sing in time, but Bucky’s snare cracks nearly swallowed his voice.
“The needle on my record player has been wearin’ thin…”
Another hit—too sharp, and too damn loud.
“This record has been playing since the day you’ve been with him—”
Bucky’s jaw clenched, his face scrunched up into an ugly sneer as he kept banging on the drums. He hit the crash cymbal hard enough that the whole kit rattled. Steve glanced at him over his shoulder, giving him a look that clearly signaled he was offbeat, but he kept singing.
But Bucky was no longer just playing the beat.
He was attacking it.
His hi-hat hits were sharper than they needed to be; it was more like he was trying to dent the cymbals. The snare cracks turned into heavy, punishing smacks that echoed through the entire garage. His fills came in too early, too strong, slamming across the toms instead of sliding cleanly through them.
Every time the chorus hit, instead of tightening the groove like the original track, he opened the crash cymbal with an explosive force, the ringing so loud Steve actually winced mid-strum.
It wasn’t a song anymore.
It was Bucky’s heartbeat—rushed, uneven, and utterly pissed off. Pissed off over the fact that still, to this day, after everything you two have been through, you still weren’t his.
The audacity to get upset seeing him with other girls—when you had a new frat boy on your hip every week. His kick drum hammered the floor like he was trying to kick his foot right through it. His shoulders were locked, his arms were flexed, and his knuckles were white from gripping the sticks too hard.
Steve’s voice was muffled by the ringing in Bucky’s ears—his face warming up with anger.
“Have I waited too long?”
“Have I found that someone?”
“Have I waited too long, to see you?”
Bucky raised his arm up and hit the snare—once, twice, and then another way too hard.
Then his sticks snapped.
The wood split clean in his grip.
“Fuck!” he shouted, the sound ripping straight out of his chest and echoing through the garage. He hurled the broken sticks; they clattered across the concrete. Steve’s guitar cut off mid-chord. Natasha’s hands froze over her strings. Sam stopped entirely.
All three turned toward him with cautious, wide-eyed glances. Then it went silent. A heavy, stunned, and tense silence. The only sounds were Bucky’s breathing, his chest heaving as he ran a hand through his hair in frustration. His leg was still pacing up and down—but he was desperately trying to keep his breathing in check.
“Buck?” Steve said softly.
Bucky didn’t look up. He just swallowed hard, made a face, then spoke through clenched teeth.
“Take five.”
Before any of them could get a word out, he quickly scrambled out of his kit, heading to the door and swinging it wide. He left a puff of angry, tension-filled air in his wake as he exited the garage and retreated back into the house.
They all looked at each other—and they didn’t even need to speak to know what to do.
With a quiet exhale, Steve slipped off his guitar, set it gently against the amp, and followed him inside.
Bucky was already pacing back and forth in the living room, his thumbs shaking as they hovered over the keyboard on his phone.
He knew he was being selfish. Irrational. Messy. But how the hell was he supposed to walk back into that garage and pretend he wasn’t falling apart? His hands could bleed from splintered sticks, he could break a dozen more, but none of it compared to the ache clawing through his chest at the thought of you—so close, yet so far from him in every possible way.
“Buck—” Steve’s voice came in rough, cutting through the static in his head.
“I have to text her, Steve.” Bucky’s voice came out hoarse and desperate. He didn’t even look up, scrolling through his contacts until your information sat there, staring back at him. “I can’t just let her walk away. I can’t let her go. Not to John fucking Walker—”
“Bucky. Hey—” Steve stepped closer, placing a solid and grounding hand on his shoulder. “Calm down.” He squeezed gently, forcing Bucky to meet his eyes.
“I hear you, man, I really do—we all do,” Steve sighed, choosing his words carefully. “You’re head over heels for this girl—I can see that. But Buck, our band is finally getting some traction. We’ve got gigs lined up, real offers coming, people finally paying attention to us. This is what we’ve been working our asses off for.”
Bucky swallowed hard, his eyes landing back down on his phone.
“And we can’t afford to lose you to this,” Steve continued gently, “to a girl who—look, I’m not saying she’s a bad person. But she’s caught up in... all that.” He waved his hand around vaguely, making a displeased face. “Handbags, social circles, cliques, who’s-who on campus. That stuff matters to her.”
Bucky’s jaw clenched. “You don’t know her like I do.”
“I know you’re hurting,” Steve said softly, leaning in closer. “And I know you’d probably burn the whole campus down for her if she asked... but Buck, she’s not giving you the same thing back. She doesn’t need you right now, man. We do. The band needs you.”
Bucky stayed silent, chewing the inside of his cheek. There was so much that Bucky wanted to say. He wanted to fight for you, to defend you, because only he knew who you truly were. But how could he? When all his friends had seen was you only giving him half your heart?
“We need you here,” Steve continued. “Not half here. I mean, we can’t even get through the first song without you—”
“I get it, okay?” Bucky finally said, the words strangled in his throat—tight, shaky, like there was a lump trying to claw its way out.
His fingers curled around his phone one last time before he let out a slow, and defeated breath. The screen dimmed and went black, and he shoved it deep into the pocket of his jeans.
Steve frowned, taking a step back and giving him some space. “I’m sorry, Buck.”
Bucky let out a dry and humorless laugh—one that didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t be.” He forced himself to look at Steve, holding his gaze even though every part of him felt like it was splintering apart. “You’re right. You are. We should just… get back to practice.”
And before Steve could say anything—to offer comfort, an apology, anything—Bucky brushed past him. Shoulders tense, jaw clenched, and his heartbeat loud in his ears as he forced himself to pick up his feet and move back to the garage.
You didn’t know why Bucky’s sudden popularity bothered you so much. The entire time you’d known him, he was always surrounded by the same three people; Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, and Natasha Romanoff. It was always those same people with the same hole-ridden T-shirts, ripped jeans, and dirty shoes. That’s how it had always been. That’s how it always should be.
So, to see him surrounded by those girls—girls dressed like him, girls who loved his music, girls who seemed like they would be a better fit for him than you—it absolutely pissed you off. You didn’t like it when people touched things that were rightfully yours.
Being in that bar, surrounded by Bucky’s crowd, you felt like the dirtbag in his world this time around—and you weren’t sure you were a fan of that, either. You were used to people flocking to you, looking up to you for attention. You were never the odd one out.
You hadn’t talked to Bucky in what felt like months, even though it had only been a week. A painfully long week.
And it wasn’t like you didn’t try. You did text him—once. Your pride was already shattering from sending the first message, so you drafted a short, simple message that sounded like you didn’t care as much as you truly did.
👑: hey, we should talk.
He saw it.
You knew he did, but he never replied. That was the part that shocked you the most, because Bucky always answered you—instantly, annoyingly, and reliably. It was like he was always waiting for your name to pop up on his phone.
Maybe you had overreacted when you saw him drowning in attention from those other girls. Or maybe your stupid pride made you say the wrong thing, walk away too fast, and slam a door a little harder than necessary. But ignoring you? That wasn’t like him at all.
Your mind was so occupied with these thoughts that America’s Asshole had to snap his fingers to bring your attention back to him.
“What, John?” you muttered, poking at your lunch.
“You weren’t at the party last Friday night,” he pointed out. “We missed you after the game. What happened?”
“I had better things to do,” you replied flatly. “I was at a show.”
“A show?” John’s face scrunched up, almost in disgust. “What kind of show? What show could’ve possibly been better than my party?”
John’s voice drowned out just as face as it came as you caught a familiar, grungy, and broody figure in the corner of your eye. Your head turned instinctively in the direction, and you caught sight of the same man who never failed to send butterflies through you since the day you’d met him.
“Bucky,” you muttered under your breath, nearly inaudible.
“Sorry, what was that?” John asked, leaning in closer to hear you.
Without further explanation, you quickly got out of your seat, abandoning your lunch and John Walker entirely as you made your way toward him. Déjà vu hit you hard as John shouted your name—which you made it a habit of ignoring.
“Bucky, wait—” you called out, your heels clicking sharply against the dining hall’s floor and catching the attention of other students. “Bucky. Hold on—”
His shoulders tensed up at the sound of your voice, and he paused for a second. But instead of turning around to face you, he continued walking.
As if you didn’t exist.
You furrowed your brows, frustration bubbling as you picked up your pace until he was finally within reach. You clamped a hand on his shoulder, his body stiffening immediately.
“Bucky, Jesus—” you huffed. “I told you to wait—”
Slowly, he turned to finally face you. He didn’t have that usual sparkle in his eyes that he usually had when you two locked gazes from across campus. He didn’t have that obnoxious and teasing grin or sheepish smile when he’d see how beautiful you are.
No words, no greeting, no warmth.
Just a look.
A look so sharp and unrecognizable that it actually knocked the breath from your lungs. Bucky had never looked at you like that—not even on the day you insulted his entire outfit to his face.
His jaw was clamped tight, his eyes flat and unreadable, a tension in his expression that felt almost... guarded. Like he’d put up a wall between you while you weren’t looking.
A part of you wanted to step back and leave him be, but pride straightened your spine before anything else could.
Plus, you missed him.
“Why didn’t you answer my text?” you asked, crisp and direct—like you hadn’t spent the last week losing your mind over it.
Bucky’s eyes flicked past you, over your shoulder, and toward the table you’d just abandoned. With John. His jaw ticked slightly, then his eyes fell back on you.
“Been busy with the band,” he said flatly.
You crossed your arms. You knew it was bullshit. Every time you texted him—even for one simple text—he was always there for you. And standing here, underneath his cold gaze, you’re realizing just how much you’d taken all that—taken him—for granted.
“Busy,” you repeated, nodding once sarcastically. “Right.”
He didn’t respond. His shoulders slouched slightly, and his hands were shoved deep into the pockets of his denim jeans. His entire body language screamed that he didn’t want to be here—and that hurt.
“Look, I’m trying here,” you said, forcing your voice to steady. “I texted you. I tried to talk to you. I know things got... weird after your gig, okay? But you don’t usually just ignore me like this.”
Still no response.
“Bucky,” you tried again, firmer. “I’m talking to you—”
“What?” he interrupted you coldly, his voice coming out louder than expected. “You expect me to always be there, answering your every call or text like some kind of lap dog?”
You blinked at the unexpected tone.
“W-what?”
Bucky pressed his lips together, looking around warily, making sure no one was close enough to hear—because that’s what you cared so much about, right? People hearing about you two, discovering you two.
He took a step closer, leaning in slightly. You thought he was going to apologize, press a kiss to your head right here in the middle of campus, and grovel at your feet. And you’d laugh, call him an idiot, and tell him to get up.
But he doesn’t. He doesn’t apologize. He doesn’t do anything of that.
“The band and I have been talking,” he started, his voice so quiet you could barely hear. “We’re actually picking up momentum. We’re starting to get recognized. And I can’t afford to—” he hesitated slightly. He swallowed hard before continuing. “I just can’t afford to waste my time with you.”
“Waste your time with me?” you repeated, as if giving him the opportunity to take his words back.
He kept his head down at your shoes, his thumb rubbing anxiously along the seam of his pocket as he exhaled hard through his nose.
“Bucky,” you leaned in closer, lifting your hand to reach for his cheek, but he leaned back slightly—just enough for you to get the hint.
“They’re right,” his voice was strained, “You and me—it’s not a good idea.”
You stared at him, stunned. Every sentence felt like a slap to the face—humiliating and unexpected. Your lips parted to speak, but his voice pushed on through.
“I just can’t understand it,” he continued. “We won’t talk for days, and then you’ll come crawling back to me when you need me. You get jealous, but you won’t put a title on us?” He shook his head like he was trying to clear it. “I can’t keep up with it anymore.”
Your throat tightened so sharply you had to swallow around the burn. “Bucky, that’s not—”
“And let’s be real,” he cut in, lifting his eyes to meet yours for half a second before they darted away again. “This would be easier for you too.”
“Bucky—”
“You can hang out with any guy you want without me holding you back. No arguing, no hiding, no getting mad at each other because some asshole looks at you or someone at my show says hi to me.”
Your face scrunched up, your bottom lip trembling slightly.
“Bucky… I never—I don’t—‘holding me back’? That’s not—”
“You were literally sitting with John Walker not even ten minutes ago,” he snapped quietly, but still loud enough to catch the attention of some people nearby. “So don’t stand here and act like I’m saying something you don’t already know.”
His eyes finally lifted to meet yours—tired, hurt, and cold. It was a look you’d never seen from him, a look you never wanted to see ever again, and a look you were already beginning to hate.
“I’m just… trying to make this easier,” he muttered. “For the both of us.”
But it didn’t feel easy.
It felt like he had clawed his way into your chest, dug deep, and pulled your heart right out.
You felt the blood drain from your face, the sting of tears suddenly sharp behind your eyes. You searched his cold gaze, refusing to accept the words you had just heard.
“You don’t actually think that way, do you?” you whispered, your voice sounding weak and brittle. “You know our relationship is more complicated than that, Bucky. They don’t know—”
“A relationship?” Bucky scoffed. “Can you even call it that?” He took one step back—just one small step, yet it felt like miles.
“I can’t do this right now,” he said, shaking his head. He didn’t sound angry anymore—he sounded tired, defeated. “I’m done making excuses for you. For myself.” He swallowed. “Just let it go.”
You wanted to reach out to him, to apologize for everything you’d done wrong, to yell at him for not fighting for you because of a few words from his friends who didn’t understand the whole situation, to hug him and never let go.
But he didn’t wait around for an answer. He turned slowly, then he walked off. No more lingering over-the-shoulder looks, no second thoughts, and no chance for you to grab his hand before it slipped away.
Just the sound of his boots thudding against the floor as he left you standing there in the campus’ dinging hall—where everyone, including John Walker, stood and sat staring at you.
Since that day, the tension between you and Bucky was palpable. You both hadn't spoken to each other—not even a single text. But whenever you two saw each other in passing, you would steal glances.
You would catch him staring at you right before he forced himself to look away, and every time he did, he swallowed hard, his face shifting into a grumpy expression—the look he’d always give to people he didn’t like. He never gave those looks to you before, and now he is.
You hated this. You hated how he was always within reach—just barely close enough to graze, yet too far to hold onto.
Was this how he felt when you kept backing away from turning the relationship into something more serious?
At first, you were heartbroken when he essentially broke off your non-official relationship. But after days of subtle glances and side-eyes from across the campus—always watching, always curious—you couldn’t take it anymore. Especially when he sat and laughed with his friends, the very ones who filled his head with doubts about you without giving you the chance to even explain yourself.
He continued playing with his band at gigs, and every time you weren't present, your mind traced back to the night he was surrounded by girls. But one thing really set you off.
Seeing Bucky laughing with some girl outside the music building.
And then jealousy filled you. Hot, white, burning jealousy filled you from your toes to the very top of your head.
Like a mental switch flipped inside your head, you started telling yourself, “If he doesn’t want me, then fine.” You were going to do what you did best, and that was pissing him off from a distance. If Bucky wanted to act cold, then you’d act unbothered.
You started dressing even hotter than usual—short skirts, and the heels you knew would always catch Bucky’s attention—he told you himself. You always made sure to walk near him, because the clacking sound of your heels against the floors always seemed to “turn him on.”
“Those heels make your legs look so fucking hot,” he’d said to you. “Wanna see them hiked over my shoulders, heels dangling in the air while I fuck you stupid.”
“Stop being a pervert, Barnes.”
You drowned yourself in the perfume that you knew he loved—the scent was another weapon. Every time he held you in his arms, his nose would find the crook of your neck and inhale deeply, his hands coming up to cup your cheeks, tilting your head to the side as he kissed and suckled on your sensitive column.
“So good, pretty princess,” he’d groan. “Always smellin’ so sweet—lookin’ so pretty. Can’t ever get enough.”
And you would always giggle. “Bucky, stop. You’re tickling me.”
Those methods partially worked. You would catch his eyes taking you in up and down from a distance—tracing your legs and calf muscles accentuated by the heels. He’d inhale deeply, his chest rising as you walked past him, your sweet perfume lingering in the air.
Just when you thought his patience would finally snap, he’d reel himself back in, going back to hanging around with his friends as if nothing ever happened.
But you knew one thing would really get him riled up. And that was wearing his shirt. The shirt he made for you.
Next to John Walker.
You were standing near the door of the union, wearing the soft pink cotton shirt with “CIVIL WAR” spread across your chest, loud and proud. John glanced down at it, raised a brow, and looked back up at you.
“Uh,” he started. “What’s with the shirt?”
In the corner of your eye, you saw Bucky, sitting with his friends as per usual. Except this time, instead of sneaking glances, he was glaring daggers at you. Sharp, cold daggers. And instead of doubling down, you took a step closer to John, batting your lashes at him.
“Well,” you twirled your hair, smiling. “Do you like it?”
Flustered, John only smiled back. “Yeah—I mean, I guess it’s cute. But what’s Civil War?” he asked, acting as if he had totally forgotten the time he was face-to-face with Bucky and his band posters.
Your eyes flickered back to Bucky’s at a distance, and this time, he didn’t look away when you caught his gaze. Your smile grew wider, and you looked back at John, raising your voice loud enough so Bucky could at least make out a few words.
“Oh, Civil War? Maybe some one-hit wonder band that disbanded? I don’t know—this shirt was passed down to me.”
Bucky still had his chin resting against his fist, glaring down at you two from across the union, his other finger tapping against the table and his leg bouncing impatiently.
Sam was talking—probably about their performance for the football game’s halftime. He should’ve been stoked for it, playing in front of the whole damn school, yet no words registered in his ears.
He had tried to get over you these past few days, but how could he when you were tempting him with those damn high heels, the sweet scent of you, and now the so-called one-hit wonder band tee shirt he made for you?
Bucky knew you were purposefully taunting him, and he didn’t know if he could take it anymore.
“—so since we’re only able to play two songs, I think we should choose—”
“I’m writing a song,” Bucky cut back into the conversation.
The rest of the band just blinked at each other. Sam chuckled awkwardly. “Uh. What?”
Bucky’s leg stilled, letting out a low exhale as his jaw remained clenched. He faced Sam slowly, almost intimidatingly. “I’m going to write a song.”
“Why?” Natasha furrowed her brows. “When we already have our own songs—”
“Trust me,” he grunted, grabbing his notebook and backpack and slinging it over his shoulder. He glanced back at you, his glare still cold as stone. “It’ll be good.”
Later that day, the band was back in the garage, practicing for the football game. Bucky had been working on a song all day, a song he had written with pent-up emotions that developed after failing to get over you. A song written out of pure, unadulterated pettiness.
And a song that would likely make the athletic director never want to bring them out to perform again.
But he didn’t care. He knew you were going to be there. And it was a song for you.
Bucky pulled out his battered notebook, tore a page out, and handed it to Steve.
“Read it,” Bucky said, crossing his arms.
Natasha exchanged a look with Sam, both leaning in as Steve lifted the paper. There were scribbles everywhere, crossed-out lines, and arrows pointing to rewritten lyrics, but it was fucking good.
“Jesus,” Sam breathed. “This has got to be a diss track or something.”
“Yeah,” Natasha huffed. “No shit.”
Steve shook his head in disbelief. “This is... we could get attacked for this, Buck. I don’t know if we—”
“But it’s good, right?” Bucky interrupted, leaning against the wall and grinning. “Even if they won’t let us perform again, people will dig it, and they’ll start coming to our gigs outside of school.”
Steve shrugged. “I suppose you’re right. Okay. Let’s practice—”
“But,” Bucky pushed himself off the wall. “I want to sing it.”
Natasha raised a brow. “But you’re our drummer. You really think you can sing this without getting winded? You can barely scream backup without losing the beat.”
Bucky shrugged. “So? Don Henley sang ‘Hotel California’ while drumming.”
Sam snorted. “Does that make your girl Stevie Nicks in this little fantasy of yours?”
“That’s not the point,” Bucky glared. “I’m singing it.”
Steve stepped forward, raising the page and scanning the lyrics again. “Buck… ‘Hotel California’ is a seventy-four BPM song. This song—” he flicked the page, “—is eighty-seven. That’s a big difference. And you’ve never sung while playing before. Are you sure you can even keep up?”
He knew it was petty. He knew it was a risk. But man, did he want to perform that song. He wanted to see your pretty little face, eyes wide when you heard the lyrics.
And he couldn’t wait to see your boy-toy all pissed off and riled up after hearing it, too.
“Alright,” Steve said, picking up his guitar. “Take one of Bucky’s song.” He squinted at the title written messily at the top.
“’Johnny Doesn’t Know.’”
You had spent the rest of the week feeling like your insides were scraped hollow.
You kept waiting, and hoping, that Bucky would crack. You hoped he’d text you at two in the morning like he used to, sending some stupid meme or asking what color your nails were that day. But not a single text went through, and every hour that passed without him felt like a painful reminder of every time you pushed him away.
You hated how close he felt just days ago, how easy everything had been—how warm he looked when he smiled at you. And now he was gone, because you pushed him. Because you didn’t want to put a label on it. Because you let your ego talk louder than your heart, and because you let his friends fill his brain with things that weren’t true.
You missed him so bad, it hurt.
The night before the football game, you sat at your desk with a pink stationery card, something you typically received, not wrote on. For the first time in your life, you were writing someone a heartfelt letter.
The pen shook as the words came out. Messy apologies, confessions, secrets about yourself that even he didn’t know. Little things you remembered about him—his smile, the way he fiddled with his drumsticks and bounced his legs when he was nervous, his dark and torn-up clothes and dirty Converse. You wrote that you were wrong, that you missed him, that you wanted him, even if the thought of being in a relationship terrified you.
You folded the letter carefully, slid it into the pink envelope, and sealed it with a cute heart sticker before you could chicken out and tear it up.
Then you added the real surprise.
Two tickets to Iron Maiden.
You’d hunted them down the second you heard they were selling locally—Bucky’s favorite band. The same one he’d rambled about for an hour while lying beside you, tracing patterns over your stomach and promising he’d drag you to a show “one day.”
Today was the day of the football game, and you’re standing in the bleachers next to a group of girls you could hardly call your friends. You clutched your purse tighter against your body—the purse carrying your sacred letter. You knew his band was going to perform today. You knew he was going to be there, and you’d stand there, holding that pink envelope, and tell him everything you should have told him weeks ago.
You were going to tell the biggest dirtbag Bucky Barnes that you were sorry, that you wanted him back, that you wanted to become something more—even if it scared you, even if he walked away again. Because for the first time, the idea of losing Bucky completely terrified you more than putting a label on whatever the hell you two were.
At first, the crowd hesitated—because everyone knew Civil War’s reputation. The misfit band that wouldn’t play anything “family friendly.” The band that made the athletic department nervous every single year. Civil War wrapped up their first song, and the crowd was now cheering loudly, fully won over. Steve stepped away from the mic, grabbing his water bottle. Sam adjusted his strap. And Natasha re-tuned her bass.
But Bucky was doing something different.
He was pulling the mic stand toward his drum kit. Your brows furrowed. You had never seen him touch a mic onstage—ever. He told you once he hated singing on stage, and that you only ever heard his voice along to the radio when he drove you home at night. He was adjusting the height, angling it perfectly toward him, his breath steady and focused, his eyes flicking up toward the bleachers—
Toward you.
Your stomach dropped. A slow, warm flush crept up your neck. You didn’t think he had noticed you at all, but now he was staring right at you. Steve mouthed a count, and instead of the usual instrument buildup they did, the song started with Bucky yelling into the mic and Steve’s heavy guitar riff—immediately hyping the crowd up once more.
And the words that Bucky started singing made your jaw drop to the bleachers.
“Johnny doesn’t know.”
“She tells him she’s out shopping.”
“But she’s under me and I’m not stopping.”
“Johnny doesn’t know.”
“I can’t believe he’s so trusting, while I’m right behind you thrusting.”
“She’s got John on the phone, and she’s trying not to moan.”
“It’s a three-way call and he knows nothing.”
“Johnny doesn’t know. Don’t tell Johnny.”
Heat exploded across your cheeks so fast you genuinely thought you might faint. Those lyrics weren’t suggestive, it wasn’t subtle, and it wasn’t a hint. They were filthy, scandalous, and a direct message to Walker—messages explicit enough to make half the student body choke on their popcorn. Your jaw hung open, your eyes wide, your pulse pounding against your throat. Because Bucky Barnes—the quiet, broody, never-sings-in-public dirtbag Bucky—was onstage in front of hundreds of people, singing about being inside you behind Walker’s back.
You probably should have felt embarrassed or shameful, but your entire body went warm because that meant he’d been thinking about you. Thinking about you like that these past few days. Angry, jealous, petty, needy, and he wasn’t hiding it anymore.
If people didn’t know you two were a thing, then they most certainly do now.
A chorus of gasps shot through the bleachers. One girl next to you gave you a side-eye, whispering to the friend beside her, “Is this… about—” “Yeah, I think it is. That’s so gross.” Meanwhile, the students behind you cheered on, simply enjoying the music.
Down on the field, John Walker’s entire face scrunched—first confusion, then dawning horror, and finally, an angry, red explosion of humiliation. He threw his helmet to the ground and took a furious step forward, like he wanted to rip the entire drum set apart with his bare hands, but his teammates grabbed him by the shoulder and stopped him. Meanwhile, the faculty area was in shambles. The athletic director’s headset nearly fell off as he sputtered into his mic, and the cheer coach looked like she was two seconds away from fainting.
Once the song ended, the crowd, if they weren’t already standing, erupted into a loud cheer—a cheer so loud it made your ears hurt. Steve delivered his outro, the band started to wrap things up, and the football teams were getting ready to play again while the cheerleaders resumed their routine.
You didn’t want to waste another second. Your mission, the messily crafted letter, the fear of losing him—all of it came rushing back, amplified by the public display of his hurt.
You raced down the metal steps, eyes scanning the area behind the makeshift stage. You moved toward the exit ramp where the bands typically packed up, and you spotted him, packing up his kit.
“Bucky!” you called out, but his friends turned to face you first. “Bucky. I need to talk to you—”
“We’re busy,” Sam cut you off, but you ignored him.
You weren’t going to let anyone or anything block your way.
“Bucky, please,” you pleaded, catching your breath. “I just want to talk.”
Bucky paused, looking up from the wires he was looping around. He gave a brief glance at the rest of the band and nodded. “You guys go ahead. I’ll catch up with you later.”
You watched as the group left; all of them threw hesitant glances at you over their shoulders. Once they completely disappeared, Bucky turned his body to face you, giving you his attention. You started digging in your purse for the letter.
“I know we’ve gone through a lot together, and I—”
“What’s the deal with you and Walker?”
You paused, furrowing your brows. “I’ve told you this a million times over. There’s nothing going on between Walker and I—”
“So then why the hell is he still attached to your hip?” he interrupted coldly again, taking a step closer with crossed arms. “And why the hell are you walking around with these damn high heels, flaunting your legs to half the fucking school?”
He took another step closer, and you took another one back.
“And that perfume, that sweet fucking perfume that you only ever wear around me,” he took another step, closing the distance until you were pushed up against a column. “I could smell you from across the campus—taunting me, teasing me.”
His eyes lingered down to your shirt. “And this shirt,” he muttered. “This shirt that got passed down to you—was that what you said?” He taunted. His rough fingers trailed down to the hem of the soft cotton, pinching the fabric.
You felt the roughness of his knuckles graze against your lower belly, making you shudder.
“Wearing the shirt I made you around Walker just to piss me off,” he scoffed. “You knew I couldn’t get over you, huh?”
His fingers tightened in the fabric of your shirt, just enough to make you gasp, tugging you closer.
“Answer me,” he demanded quietly. His voice was low, rough, a rasp of jealousy and frustration that made your knees weaken. “You knew exactly what you were doing, didn’t you?”
His forehead nearly brushed yours, his breath warm against your lips. When you were planning on confronting Bucky, you expected him to push you away or not even hear you out. You hadn’t expected this—him standing toe-to-toe, your nose brushing against his as his fingers played at the hem of your shirt.
Your body couldn’t help but naturally react to him—to his possessive touch and his words—even your body knew you missed him.
And yet, even found in a compromising position, you also couldn’t help but taunt him yet again.
“Aw,” you tilted your head, smiling. “Jealous, are you?”
A low snarl escaped his lips as he leaned in, his lips grazing yours, but not exactly kissing. “Fuck,” he growled, his hands sliding beneath your shirt and up your stomach. You wanted to break the distance right then and there and slam your lips right on his—right where they belonged, but you held back.
If Bucky was going to make a song about fucking you and perform it in front of the whole school, then he had to make the first move.
“And here you are, after everything, still trying to bait me in.” His words came out cold and crude, like he didn’t want you. Yet his eyes looked like he could eat you right up.
“I missed you, Bucky,” you teased again, your hands coming up to the back of his hair and giving it a tug. “Didn’t you miss me?”
Something flickered across his face—annoyance, or maybe pride, or that stubborn self-control he always tried to hide behind. His jaw clenched, and he tried to take a step back, to break the tension between you two for good and leave this all behind.
But you still had your fingers tangled in his hair.
And he still had his hands under your shirt.
He fucking missed you, and you were standing there, batting your eyelashes at him.
“Goddammit,” he mumbled, before he leaned in and slammed his lips against yours.
You had kissed Bucky plenty of times in the short period you’d known him, but this kiss didn’t feel like any other. It was a kiss that conveyed his anger, his frustration, and his hatred for you. But it was also a kiss fueled by pent-up hunger, longing, and love.
His mouth moved against yours wildly, his fingers digging into your waist and dragging you closer until there wasn’t an inch of space left. He held you tight, like he never wanted to let you go again, but his mouth moved like he was punishing you for making him want you this badly. You tried to breathe, tried to keep up, but you were no match against his desperation.
A soft sound slipped out of you, and the second he heard it, you felt his lips curve up into a smirk, because that little, helpless sound confirmed that you’d been needing him just as much. His other hand circled to splay shamelessly across your lower back, his touch hot against your soft skin.
Bucky’s lips broke away from yours just slightly, and you let out a soft whine at the loss of contact, already leaning in for more of his touch. His thumb dragged a slow, burning line along your waist, fingertips slipping under the band of your skirt.
“Christ,” he murmured, resting his forehead against yours, “...are you sure you didn’t miss me?”
Your breath hitched, and the smugness in his eyes sharpened instantly. He angled his head just enough to brush his nose against your cheek, lips grazing the corner of your mouth without giving you a real kiss.
“Because you’re shaking,” he whispered, dragging his hand up and down your spine, your back instinctively arching. “And that cute little sound you made tells me how much you need me.”
“Bucky…”
He leaned in closer. “Should I fuck you right here, right behind the stage, where anyone could walk by and see?” His hand trailed down to the short hem of your skirt. “Lift this tiny skirt up and have you crying my name? How about it, princess? Want this pathetic loser’s cock deep inside you again?”
Your face flushed in hot embarrassment. He wasn’t the same man who was too shy to kiss you when you were sitting in his passenger seat. He wasn’t the same man who stood there helplessly while your “friends” tore him to shreds when he gifted you the band shirt he made for you.
No. Bucky knew what he wanted from the very beginning, and that was you—the gentle, pink light in his dark days. Your soft, feminine laugh that contradicted the loud and gritty music he listened to. You were the luxury brand to his torn-up shoes with frayed laces.
You were everything he needed. And he was yours.
Your dirtbag.
Your mouth parted, ready to tease him again, but the sounds of footsteps shuffling against grass filled your ears. Sounds that were too loud, and way too close. Bucky’s hand immediately flew to cover your mouth, pressing you back hard against the column. His eyes narrowed, warning you not to make a sound. His breath on your cheek did nothing to soothe the building ache between your legs.
Bucky leaned in, lips brushing your ear. “Quiet,” he whispered, low and raspy.
You nodded against his hand, your heart pounding, and he smiled down at you.
“My dirty little secret.”
And that only made your stomach flutter even more.
He waited until the voices faded, tilted his head to make sure the coast was clear, then grabbed your hand. “Come on.”
Before you could ask, he tugged you away from behind the stage. Your heels clicked frantically behind him as you could only stare at him from behind in awe. Him dragging you out away from everyone else just to keep you to himself—it felt like it was straight out of a corny romance movie scene. And when he looked over his shoulder to make sure you were keeping up and flashed you a warm smile, you knew you were done for.
He didn’t stop tugging you along until he found the first unlocked door he could get his hands on. A small, tucked-away storage shed that was mostly used by staff and the athletics team. He pushed it open, pulled you inside with him, and kicked it shut behind you.
The lock clicked, and for a moment, the two of you just stood there—breathless, with hearts pounding in sync. Then you laughed, an exuberant, bubbling laugh that had your hand flying to your mouth as you tried to quiet yourself, which only made him laugh in return.
Bucky’s hair was slightly messy from your fingers, his lips flushed and stained with your lip gloss, his chest rising fast. He was smiling, that cute boyish smile he had when he would watch your reaction after teasing you.
You felt like a girl falling for him all over again.
And before you could think the better of it, the words slipped from your mouth as if you had said it a million times before.
“I love you.”
Then Bucky stopped laughing. His smile lingered for a second, but his eyes... they burned into yours, wide and stunned, as if all the warmth and tension you’d been feeling with him just now was nothing but a silly figment of your imagination.
“I—” you started, suddenly aware of what you had just said.
But he didn’t give you the chance to backtrack.
In one sudden, hungry movement—even hungrier than before—Bucky grabbed your waist and hauled you against him, his lips crashing into yours with a force that knocked a gasp right out of your lungs. The storage shed suddenly felt so tight; the only space that was left was completely occupied by Bucky. His mouth moved against yours—urgent, desperate, like he had been waiting longer than he knew you just to hear those three words fall from your lips.
“Say it again,” he whispered, his voice shaking, almost feral. “Please.”
“I love you,” you repeated, breathless. “I love you so much, Bucky.”
“Fuck—I knew it,” he groaned, his calloused hands coming up to gently caress your face. “I knew you’d come back to me. You were always meant to be my girl—my angel.”
He leaned back in, closing the distance as his mouth found yours again. His lips devoured yours—messy, sloppy, and wet, your favorite type of kiss from him, because it showed how much he needed you. His hands wandered your body greedily, your handbag long forgotten somewhere in this dusty shed as he pushed you up against the wall, the whole shed shaking.
“I love you too,” he moaned against your lips. “I love you so much—you have no fucking idea.”
Bucky had touched you and fucked you in ways that made your mind dizzy—but hearing those three little words come out of his mouth only made your legs tremble and your heart flutter rapidly.
“Bucky,” you clung to his shirt, pulling him impossibly closer. You hooked one leg around his waist, trapping him against you as you pleaded. “I need you.”
“Yeah?” he nuzzled his nose against yours, his voice raspy. “What do you need, baby? Tell me.”
“I need you so bad,” you whined, leaning in closer to try and kiss him again, but he pulled away just slightly, his hand tight on your thigh that was wrapped around his waist.
You groaned, your face twisting. “Stop taunting me, Barnes—”
“Oh, you’re being a spoiled little princess,” he taunted, giving your leg a squeeze. “I always give you what you want, don’t I?” He leaned in, pressing a chaste kiss to your cheek, just barely grazing the corners of your lips. “You’re always making demands and you can’t even say ‘please.’”
You swallowed hard, heat spiraling low in your stomach and pooling between your legs as Bucky held you firmly against the wall. Your thigh was still hooked around his waist, keeping him close—so close you could feel every breath he took—yet he still refused to give you what you were begging for.
“Please,” you whispered, your pride crumbling at his feet. “Bucky… I need you. Please.”
His eyes darkened, a slow, cocky smile tugging at his lips. “There she is,” he murmured. “My sweet girl. My little angel.”
His hand slid up your thigh, pushing your skirt higher until his fingers found the waistband of your panties. He hooked them, pulled once hard, and the thin fabric gave way with an audible rip, falling to your knees.
Your breath hitched, your cheeks burning. “Jesus, Barnes,” you huffed. “You owe me a shopping spree with how many pairs of panties you’ve destroyed.”
He unhooked your leg around his hip, setting it down gently as his hands started to fumble and work at the buckle of his belt and the zipper of his pants. “I’ll buy you new ones—turn around,” he gritted through clenched teeth. “Turn around. Hands against the wall.”
When you hesitated for just a second, his hands found your waist again, turning your body around roughly, making your hands scramble against the wall to keep your balance. His grip on your hips tightened as he pulled your bottom out, forcing you to arch your back and present your bare slit to him that was barely covered by your skirt.
“That’s it,” he encouraged, his hands going back to tug his belt and pants down—the sound of it making your legs tremble. “Look at you, already archin’ for me. You’re so pretty, baby."
You couldn’t take it anymore. You rocked your hips back, seeking any form of friction, and once your bare ass rubbed against his cock—hard and warm—you couldn’t help the pitiful whimper that escaped your lips. It wasn’t nearly enough, so you started to rub your ass up and down against his cock that was barely peeking out of his jeans.
“Jesus,” he groaned, his hands tight on your hips. He tried to hold you still, but the minute your wet and puffy slit ground against his pulsing shaft just right, he couldn’t help but tip his head back into a moan. “Fuck—you desperate little slut.”
He started to palm your ass, giving it a firm squeeze that made you yelp. He wrapped a hand around his cock, freeing himself completely from his pants—giving himself a couple of steady pumps that made his breath go heavy as he positioned the tip against your slit, coating himself in your slick arousal.
Your knees nearly gave out as he probed and teased the entrance, pushing just enough to make you gasp and flutter around him—your walls already ready to accommodate his size, but he doesn’t give you the satisfaction.
“Bucky—” you breathed, your fingers trembled against the wall. Your hips pushed back, desperate for more than just the teasing slide of his tip.
“That’s right,” he rasped, his breath hot against your neck as he leaned over you. “Beg for it. Beg for me for once.”
You whimpered, your forehead pressing against the cool wall. “Please—please, Bucky, I need you—”
He dragged the head of his cock slowly through your folds again, gathering the slick that was dripping down your thighs. His free hand came up to your shoulder, gripping you firmly, keeping you perfectly in place as he pushed forward just an inch.
“You didn’t fuck anyone else while I was gone, did you?”
You shook your head.
“No?” he gave you a shallow and short thrust, his tip going past your entrance and making you gasp. “Not even Walker?”
You squeezed your eyes shut. “N-no…” You tried to rut your hips back, but he held you firmly in place, unmoving.
“Are you sure about that?”
You made a frustrated sound, a whine and a sob that made him chuckle darkly, savoring your sweet torture. His hand slid from your shoulder to your throat, wrapping around it gently, tilting your head just enough to force your back to arch even deeper. “You didn’t fuck anyone else—and you will not fuck anyone else. Not while I’m here. Got it?”
“Bucky—please,” you begged, your voice cracking. “Please—for the love of God.”
His hips moved forward, pushing excruciatingly slow, your walls stretching around his length. You hadn’t given yourself the courtesy of pleasing yourself while you and Bucky were on a 'break,' because you knew nothing could replace the real thing—the real feeling of him splitting you open on his cock.
“Christ,” he groaned, leaning forward until his whole body blanketed yours, his nose buried in your hair as he breathed you in. Your scent made his breath stutter, his voice roughening. “Still…” he pushed deeper, inch by devastating inch, “…still so goddamn tight for me.”
It had only been a few weeks since he was last inside you, yet it felt like years.
“Give me all of it, Bucky—please, I need it—”
He let out a dark, low laugh that vibrated against your back, the condescending sound making your walls flutter around him. “So fucking spoiled. You’re such a spoiled little princess.” He pushed forward until he was almost fully sheathed—one sharp thrust away from filling you completely—but he didn’t give it to you.
“I keep calling you a princess, but you always seem to be—” his hand cracked against your ass, the sharp smack echoing in the tiny shed and forcing you to gasp, hands scrambling against the wall. “—getting fucked in the dirtiest places.”
He pulled back just enough to make you whimper—then slammed in, burying himself to the hilt. You choked on a cry as he grabbed your hips and began ramming into you, hard and hungry.
“Getting fucked in the bathroom… in my car…” his rhythm turned punishing. “And now in some—fuck—some dusty little shed...”
His voice dropped lower, smug and vicious. “If it were any other frat boy, you’d want him to take you all soft and sweet on a bed like the princess you pretend to be.” His fingers dug into your hips. “But with me? You’d let me fuck you anywhere. Isn’t that right?”
Your body answered for you; squeezing, fluttering, dripping around him with every brutal thrust.
He groaned, hips snapping forward, your pussy clutching him as though trying to pull him even deeper, welcoming him back exactly where he belonged. Your body went soft and trembling under him, your breath coming out in broken, needy gasps. And Bucky heard every single one—fed off them and drank them in.
“My little fucking princess,” he rasped against your ear, his hips slamming hard. “All dressed up, walking around campus like you’re too fucking good for me.”
His hand slid up your back, fingers tracing your spine before curling around the back of your neck. “—but you always come running back to me. You always do.”
You whimpered, pushing back helplessly against him, chasing every hard thrust. “Bu—Buck…”
“Aw,” he chuckled darkly. “You’re whining. My pretty little princess is whining for it.”
You whimpered again even louder, and he groaned like it was the sweetest song he’d ever heard.
“God, you’re such a fucking mess,” he breathed. “All that attitude, all that sass—but the second I get inside you, you melt. Don’t you?”
You nodded frantically, your hands sliding down the wall as your legs trembled.
“Nuh-uh.” He tightened his grip on your neck, tilting your head up. “Use your words.”
“I—I melt,” you stammered pathetically. “I always melt for you—only for you…”
“Fuck,” he moaned, his hips losing their rhythm at the sound of your helpless and sweet voice. “Cute… that’s real cute, angel.”
Your knees buckled, and the rasp of his voice alone was enough to make your eyes roll back, your cunt clenching helplessly around him as he fucked you just right. “Fuck—Bucky, I’m—”
He smirked against your ear, his stubble scraping your skin deliciously as his hand slid down your stomach and found your clit. His fingers circled it in tight, fast patterns that made your whole body jolt. And if that wasn’t enough, the way his other hand groped your breasts through your shirt—shameless and filthy—sent a shiver up your spine.
“Oh, now you’re close?” he teased, voice condescending. “My sweet girl wants to cum already?”
You nodded so fast it made you dizzy. “Please,” you gasped. “Please, Bucky— I’m gonna—”
“No, you’re not.”
Then both his hands disappeared.
Your legs shook violently, a sob ripping from your throat. You looked back at him over your shoulder—mascara streaking down your cheeks, lip gloss smudged over your chin. “Wha— Bucky, please—!”
He grabbed your hips, holding you perfectly still as he pulled halfway out—only halfway, because he knew if he pulled out all the way, you’d throw a tantrum like a brat. And as mean as he was being, he still wanted to stay buried in your warmth.
“You think you get to cum before I say so?” he murmured, voice soft but every word sharp. “Just ’cause you’re my princess doesn’t mean you get special privileges, baby. You earn them.”
You nearly collapsed, a desperate little cry shaking out of your chest. “Bucky—I can’t— I need—”
“Oh, you need.” He laughed, breath hot at your ear. “You sound so pathetic.”
He snapped his hips forward, burying himself to the hilt again. Your cry echoed off the metal walls.
“Look at you,” he mocked, tangling his fingers in your hair and yanking your head back. “Shaking. Dripping. You want it so fucking bad you’re about to cry.”
“I am,” you choked. “B-Bucky, please—”
“Beg better.”
His fingers returned to your clit—barely brushing, and frustratingly light.
“Please—please, let me cum,” you sobbed. “I’ll do anything—Bucky, please, I’m your princess, I’m your angel, I’m— I’m yours—”
He inhaled sharply, his grip on your hips turning bruising.
“Say it again.”
“I’m yours,” you cried, breaking apart. “I’m yours, Bucky—please let me—please, I love you. Fuck, I love you, and I need you so bad.”
A small, almost broken groan croaked from his throat at the sound of your words. He was buried so deep inside you, the tip of his head pressing against your cervix. His fingers dug deep into your waist, pulling you impossibly closer against him.
“Fuck,” he cursed. “You can’t just say that to me when I’m inside you—” he thrust hard, losing control. “You can’t tell me you love me and expect me to stay gentle.”
Your breath shattered as he dragged out of you, then slammed right back in—deep, hard, and possessive.
“Say it again.”
“I—I love you,” you cried.
“That’s it,” he rasped. “My girl. My fucking girl.” His fingers dropped to your clit again. No teasing this time—tight circles enveloped you, fast and desperate, making your whole body jerk in his grasp.
“God! Bucky—”
“You want to cum?”
“Please,” you nodded hard, crying. “Please—please, let me—”
He thrust hard, pinning you to the wall, his pace brutal and relentless. “Good girl. Cum for me, baby.”
“Fuck, Bucky!”
Then your vision went white. You tossed your head back, your back arching even deeper against his thrust as you fluttered and came undone. You spasmed around him, clenching hard, wet and messy.
“Good girl—fuck, that’s it,” he groaned. “Squeeze me—just like that…”
You trembled uncontrollably, your orgasm rolling through you in sharp, shaking waves, making your release drag him with you. He tried to hold on, tried to make this last longer than it should, but that broken little “Bucky” that left your lips, and the way you’re squeezing him so tight, it was impossible for him to hold back—especially when him and his body missed you so much.
“Fuck—sweetheart—” his hands clamped down on your hips, pulling you back into him. His forehead dropped to your shoulder, his whole body shuddering through each deep, hard pulse of pleasure. “God—” he rasped, his voice shaking, “you feel… you feel too good. I can’t—”
You squealed again, and it made him want to fill you with nothing but filth.
“Shit, shit,” he groaned. “I’m gonna cum inside—fuck, baby. Take it, princess.” He grabbed your hips hard, making you whimper as he held you still, his cock jerking and pulsing inside you as he let himself go—his cum, hot and thick, filling you to the brim as he stuffed you with his love.
Your eyes rolled back, your lips parting in a sharp gasp as he filled you completely. He stayed sheathed inside you, breathing hard as his hands roamed your body lazily, grasping for you as if making sure you were still there with him. Your clothes were a mess, Bucky was sweating above you, and you felt his release trickling down your thigh.
“Jesus,” he moaned, pressing a soft kiss to your shoulder. “Mine. All fucking mine.”
You tried to turn around, to pull him out of you so you could face him, but he held you still, completely inside you. “Don’t…” he mumbled, his voice breaking slightly in short pants. “Don’t move... just stay with me. Okay?”
And for a long moment, neither of you moved. The only sounds were your breathing and the occasional shuffle of feet and student voices just outside the shed.
Bucky’s chest rose and fell against your back, his breath warm as he pressed one last lingering kiss to the side of your neck. His hands smoothed up your sides, his touches gentle and kind now.
“You okay?” he murmured, his voice scratchy.
You nodded, leaning back into him, letting his weight, his warmth, his presence fill your senses. “Yeah,” you whispered. “More than okay.”
He let out a quiet, relieved sound like a laugh, and wrapped both arms around your waist from behind, hugging you tightly. His nose brushed your cheek as he held you close.
“I missed you,” he confessed, barely audible. “So fucking much.”
He didn’t let go until your breathing evened out and your heart beat at a steady, slowing pace. Only then did he ease back, turning you gently to face him. His thumbs brushed your cheeks tenderly, wiping away smudged mascara like it was something precious. Then he pressed a soft kiss to your forehead—so achingly gentle after everything that your chest tightened. He adjusted your skirt, putting it back into place.
“No panties,” he smoothed your hair down, giving you a soft smile. “But you’re still so beautiful.”
When he finally stepped back, he zipped himself back up. His eyes swept the room—and landed on your handbag discarded on the floor.
He huffed a frustrated laugh and bent down to grab it. “This thing is way too expensive to be sitting on the ground of a dusty-ass shed.” He lifted it by the straps, dusting it off. “You treat this bag worse than you treat me.” He joked.
“I treat you great, actually,” you crossed your arms with a grin.
He didn’t deny it. He grinned as he adjusted the bag, about to hand it over to you, but his hands paused in the air as he caught sight of something pink—a small envelope sticking out of the open zipper. The neat handwriting on the front read: To: Bucky.
He looked up at you slowly, his blue eyes wide. “...You wrote me something?” he asked quietly.
And before you could reply, he pulled the note out, eagerly tearing the envelope open and pulling the letter out. Suddenly, all the confidence you had in delivering him the letter before this backfired. You stood there, face flushed and embarrassed as you watched his eyes trace over each word carefully.
His face shifted into a disbelieving smile, even chuckling at your ridiculous string of words.
“Wow,” he let out a low whistle. “Did you make one of your friends write this?” He teased, though the smile and red flush on his ears said otherwise. He looked up at you, trying to hide the grin that he was failing to compose. “This doesn’t sound like you at all.”
His teasing smirk only widened when he saw how red your face got. You stepped forward to snatch the letter back, but he lifted it easily out of reach.
“Give it,” you hissed.
“Uh-uh.” He wagged the paper, backing up a step. “Not after you wrote—what was it?” His voice pitched up dramatically as he read a line from memory. “‘Your music makes me feel safe.’” He pressed a hand to his chest, pretending to swoon. “You trying to make me fall in love with you even more, sweetheart?”
You groaned, mortified. “Bucky—”
“And this?” he tapped another part. “‘I miss you even when I’m mad at you.’” He held the paper to his heart. “That’s so fucking adorable. You really wrote this for me? Little ol’ me?”
You crossed your arms, your face scrunched up into that bratty look. You nodded, unable to meet his eyes. That cute little gesture only made him want to tease you more—but he held back. He stepped closer, nudging your chin up with one knuckle. “Thank you,” he whispered. “I’m gonna keep it forever.”
You swallowed hard, and he gave your cheek a soft kiss—warm, reassuring—before finally grabbing your bag and holding it out to you.
But when he tilted it slightly to get a better grip, the envelope slid in his hands—
And two glossy tickets fluttered out, landing at his feet.
He blinked.
Then slowly, very slowly, he crouched and picked them up.
“...Iron Maiden?” he breathed.
You shrugged, trying for casual but failing miserably as you still had that embarrassing flush on your face. “They’re, um... really good seats,” you mumbled. “The Book of Souls Tour—or whatever it said online.”
He stared at the tickets. Then at you. Then back at the tickets.
“Baby,” he held up both of them. “Do you... do you know how hard these are to get?”
You shrugged again, starting to be fond of the way he was beginning to swoon over you. “I have connections.”
“You do not have connections,” he said, stepping closer, pointing an accusing finger at you. “You fought Ticketmaster to the death. You went to war for this.”
“I did not—”
“You absolutely did.” His grin stretched ear to ear, so wide it looked like he couldn’t contain it. “Holy shit. You got us Iron Maiden tickets.”
Bucky didn’t even try to keep the grin off his face anymore. He just stepped into your space and wrapped his arms around you so suddenly, so tightly, that your bag slipped from his hand and thudded onto the floor. You froze for half a second, caught between wanting to shove him away for being so dramatic... and wanting to melt right into him like you always did. He didn’t give you much time to think anyway.
Because Bucky Barnes—outcast drummer, campus dirtbag—was kissing you everywhere.
Your cheeks. Your jaw. Your forehead. Your nose. Your lips, soft and quick and warm.
You felt his smile against your skin, felt the barely controlled tremble in his hands as if he still couldn’t believe you were here—choosing him for good.
“Bucky—stop,” you muttered, trying to shove him with zero effort behind it. “It’s not that serious—”
“Oh, shut up,” he laughed. “It is serious. You care so much. You love me. It’s adorable.”
You rolled your eyes, but your fingers curled into his shirt anyway. “I do not—”
“You do,” he cut in smugly, brushing a kiss to your collarbone. “And I love you back, princess.”
Another kiss to your cheek. Another to your hairline. Another to the corner of your lips that had you biting back a helpless smile.
You huffed, trying to salvage your dignity. “You’re so obsessed with me, Barnes.”
“You bought Iron Maiden tickets,” he countered, lifting you slightly off the ground as he hugged you again. “You’re the one who’s obsessed.”
You smacked his shoulder, your cheeks burning. “Put me down!”
He finally loosened his arms—only for your eyes to land on your handbag abandoned on the filthy shed floor.
“Bucky,” you said flatly. “What happened to ‘this thing is too expensive to be on a dusty-ass floor’?”
He paused, an eyebrow raising in confusion as his eyes followed yours to the ground. There, lying forgotten on the dusty concrete, was your expensive handbag.
“Oh shit,” he scrambled immediately, dropping into a crouch like a loyal, panicked puppy. “Baby, I swear I didn’t mean—this was a moment—I got distracted—don’t look at me—”
You couldn’t help the grin as you watched him scoop up your bag like it was a wounded animal. He dusted the straps as he stood up, handing it back to you with both hands. “There,” he said earnestly. “Pristine. Untouched. Immaculate. Better than me, honestly.”
You laughed, shaking your head as you grabbed your bag, putting the strap over your shoulder.
“You’re so lame.”
“You know I’d do anything for you,” he grinned.
“Oh. Actually—there is one thing.”
His brows lifted, head tilting slightly as curiosity flashed across his face. “Yeah? What’s that?”
You made a face—scrunched nose, dramatic disgust—like the memory alone annoyed you. “You need to make a shirt that says ‘I love my girlfriend’ or something.”
He blinked. “…Girlfriend?”
You tapped your chin thoughtfully, ignoring him. “Or maybe I’ll print my face on it. Huge. Right across your chest. So every girl knows you’re taken.”
Realization hit him in real time—then he couldn’t help the slow, boyish smile that spread across his face. “Okay,” he nodded. “Yeah. Fine by me.”
“Just something that tells them the drummer is not up for grabs.”
He snorted. “Of course.”
You narrowed your eyes. “Are you making fun of me?”
He shook his head quickly, a soft laugh escaping. “What? No. I’d let you stamp your kisses with lipstick all over my face before I get on stage if you wanted.”
Your cheeks warmed instantly, and you rolled your eyes like you weren’t the one who started this.
“You’re such a loser.”
Bucky smiled, wrapping a tight arm around your shoulder. “And you’re dating me.”
guys.... i finally did it... i finally finished pt 2...... this chapter definitely had more musical influences so if you care to take a gander...
ticket two: hit or miss - new found glory mr. brightside - the killers sugar, we're going down - fall out boy scotty doesn't know - lustra
thank you for reading and indulging in my rodrick x regina hyperfixation. i hope you enjoyed it <3 masterlist
Salt in the Wound
Abandon the Ship Pt. X
And you say I abandoned the ship, but I was going down with it...
Series Summary: It starts with a chase and ends with his name in your mouth. He says it’s just for fun. Late nights. No strings. No promises. You were never supposed to matter. But he keeps coming back like a habit he can't quit. He’s bleeding time, and you’re getting too close to something meant to burn out fast.
Pairing: Mark Meachum x nanny!reader
Warnings: 18+ language, angst, actions have consequences (aka an unplanned pregnancy), minor injuries
Word Count: 6.8k
A/N: Happy Halloween, friends! 👻🎃 Our couple is getting a nice little surprise in this part. We'll see if it's a trick or treat (or if it leads to them eventually going trick or treating 🔮🍬😜)
Series Masterlist || Tag List || Patreon
Find your soundtrack to this series here: California Nights 🌌
The bathroom floor is cold beneath your thighs. You’ve been sitting here for so long even your damn new tile pattern is starting to carve into your skin. Maybe mermaid tiles were a bad idea after all. You probably should’ve listened to your brother.
But these days, you seem to be full of bad choices, the evidence of your latest one littering the floor like a crime scene. Wrappers, caps, boxes, and bottles – they resemble confetti from the world’s worst party. The entertainment? Ten little white sticks neatly lined up along the bathtub like dominoes.
The only thing that’s falling, though, is your life.
“A smiley face,” you scoff bitterly, tossing the stick on the graveyard pile of the ten others that came before it. “Who in the hell decided that was appropriate branding, huh? This is not a smiley face situation.”
“God, stop. I can’t with you.” Maya snorts from where she’s sprawled across the teal bath mat, head propped in her hand, sipping water from one of your abandoned bottles.
“You’d think they’d give you an option,” you mutter, slouching against the cabinet. “Like, neutral face if you’re… not thrilled about the news. Maybe a middle finger if it’s really bad fucking timing, which it is.”
“Please stop,” Maya groans, chuckling with tears in her eyes. “My abs hurt, okay? You’re making me laugh and cry at the same time.”
Leah, sitting cross-legged by the toilet, doesn’t even glance up from the one stick she’s double-checking, calm as a goddamn nun. “They don’t make a ‘fuck my life’ setting. Sorry.”
You wave vaguely at the mess of ripped cardboard packaging and empty water bottles on your bathroom floor in front of you. “Well, they should,” you huff, pouting defiantly. “These things are just… fucking smug, alright? Who thought a smiley face was a good idea? Like congratulations, you’ve ruined your own life, but here’s a happy emoji.”
“Hey.” Maya leans closer and nudges your knee with hers. “It’s not ruined, alright? Complicated, yeah, but not ruined.”
You exhale a deep sigh, your eyes drifting to the row of sticks by the bathtub that look like a jury delivering a unanimous verdict.
Pregnant.
The air smells like shot nerves, your throat burns from chugging a gallon of water in under an hour, and your stomach hurts from drinking too much liquid – or maybe it’s the thing that’s growing inside of it. You’re not sure. How could you be?
“I know,” you reply, defeated, and let your head drop against Maya’s shoulder.
“I hate to ask this,” Leah starts, which means she’ll hit you with the hard questions now that the jokes have died down. “But how did this even happen? You’re usually careful.”
“You think the condom broke once?” Maya muses.
“Yeah, not quite…” You smack your lips, the guilt bubbling in your belly. You do have some idea of how this might have happened. “We didn’t use one… once.”
Leah frowns. “Seriously?”
“Look, I was slightly drunk and Mark…” You stop short when you utter his name. It’s been over a week, almost two, since the hospital, but it still stings to say it. “Mark–, uhm, well, he has a… brain tumor, so… Can’t really blame us.”
Leah narrows her eyes at you and cocks her head. “Can’t I, though?”
“Okay, I know it was stupid. Obviously, alright?” you admit. Hell, it’s probably the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. “But I used Plan B right after, as in, within the hour, okay? I wasn’t completely reckless.”
Leah’s brow gets that little knit again, which tells you she’s entering full MD mode now. “Where were you in your cycle?”
Now, your brow creases. “Why? Is that important?”
Leah exhales sharply, head falling back against the porcelain with a perceptible thunk. “Dude!”
“What?” You twitch your shoulders, confused.
Leah huffs a breath through her nose and leans forward on her knees, rubbing a hand down her face. “Plan B only works if you haven’t already ovulated.”
You freeze, eyes widening. “I’m sorry, come again?”
Maya also bolts upright next to you. “Yeah, what? Since when?”
“Since always.” Leah glares at both of you like she’s teaching a remedial class. Her sigh is so loud it echoes off the tiles. “It prevents ovulation, but if the egg’s already out there doing its thing, it’s useless. I literally told you this in college, guys.”
Exasperated, you throw your arms up. “So what, I paid thirty bucks for a Tic Tac?”
“Basically.”
Maya groans. “Okay, that should be illegal. They need to put that on the box in, like, neon letters.”
“They do,” Leah says dryly. “But who reads fine print when they’re panicking, right?”
“Oh, so the smiley face actually stands for me failing a biology midterm,” you deadpan. You tip your head back against the cabinet and close your eyes for a moment. The laugh that escapes you comes out brittle and cracked at the edges. “Awesome. Love that for me.”
No one then says anything for a moment like they’re holding a vigil for the old life you used to know. But of course, Maya can’t sit quietly for too long.
“So… which time did the trick?”
“Maya,” Leah sighs scoldingly.
But she only shrugs. “What? I wanna know.”
You chuckle softly. “If it’s the one time I think it is, it would’ve been the night you guys were here.”
“No way!” Maya gasps loudly and slaps her thighs. “But isn’t that the time you guys did the handcuff thing? Wait… Did my idea get you pregnant?”
“Not how it works,” Leah comments dryly, rubbing her temple. “Also, not something to be proud of.”
“Right,” Maya says and nods before tossing you a glance. “Is it weird that I still am, though?”
You snort a laugh. “Hey, you’re welcome to step in as baby daddy.”
“I might,” Maya replies breezily.
“Alright,” Leah breathes and finds your eyes. “We can sit here roasting you, or we can talk next steps.”
You groan exhaustively and throw your head back against the cabinet again. Maya reaches for your hand and squeezes it.
“Do you wanna keep it?” she asks carefully.
Your eyes drift from her to the row of tests again. Then you give a shrug of your shoulders. “I don’t know yet. I mean, right now it’s just double lines and plus signs and smiley faces. I haven’t thought that far ahead yet.”
“You always wanted kids,” Maya reminds you gently.
“Not in recent years,” Leah notes and throws you a look.
Your head bobs musingly. Both of them have a point. “I mean, yeah, at some point I wanted kids, but that was–” You stop for a second and take a deep breath. “That was with Ollie. I didn’t really think about it after. I pretty much thought that wasn’t going to happen anymore, you know? And honestly? I was fine with it. I never figured I was gonna do this alone.”
“You’re good with kids, though,” Maya says. “I mean, if anyone of us could do it alone, it’s you.”
“She’s right,” Leah says, sending you a warm smile.
“Yeah, I guess,” you admit, sighing, and stare up at the ceiling. “I mean, I know I could handle it. It’s literally my job to deal with kids alone. I know everything there is to know. I’m good financially. Even without working for one or two years, I can pay my mortgage and bills. I still get Ollie’s pension. Maybe I’ll finally get my teaching credentials and then get a job at a kindergarten or something with better hours.”
Maya and Leah share a raised look, smiles twitching on both their lips.
“Sounds like you already have a plan,” Maya notes, amused.
“No, I–” You shake your buzzing head. Your thoughts have been running a mile a minute since the first test showed a second line. “I’m just going through my options like a responsible adult. Doesn’t mean anything.”
Maya leans her head on your shoulder. “You don’t have to decide today. You still have time.”
Time. Somehow that word tastes like ash in your mouth.
“And you’re not alone. You still have us,” Leah adds kindly, and you know she means it.
“Yeah, I could move in with you,” Maya says. “Help you with the baby while you’re at school or need a break. I’d make a great substitute dad.”
“I do have six brothers to teach the kid all it needs to know about football,” you joke lightly.
“See! Exactly!” Maya encourages you.
Leah, on the other hand, clears her throat. “Speaking of substitute fathers… What about Mark? Are you planning on telling him?”
You let out a deep sigh. “I don’t know. I mean, I don’t really see the point. He’s dying. It’s not gonna change anything. If I decide to go through with it, I’m gonna have to do it on my own either way,” you explain and watch them exchange another look. “Besides, he didn’t really strike me as a big kids guy. What good would it do if I told him? He’d either feel bad or freak out, and he’s already dealing with enough. I don’t wanna dump this on him, too.”
“He seems like a good guy, though,” Maya adds quietly, earning her raised looks from both you and Leah. “I mean, aside from all the lying…”
Leah’s eyes avert yours, and you know she still feels guilty about not telling you the truth. After leaving Mark at the hospital, you pretty much stormed her office, but you weren’t even angry at her. You knew she really didn’t have a choice if she wanted to keep her job. All you wanted was someone to talk to who understood and could explain it all to you – and she did. Still, you know she puts some blame on herself for not warning you sooner.
“No, he is a good guy,” you agree softly. “But I don’t want him to stay out of obligation. I don’t need a pity party from a guy with a brain tumor. It’s not his problem to worry about. It’s mine. And I’m fine doing it alone.”
They don’t argue further, the echoing silence wrapping around the three of you. You pick up the smiling stick again and squint at it.
Stupid happy little bastard…
The bathroom tiles are cold under Mark’s bare feet. He leans hard onto the sink, one hand clutching the orange pill bottle so tightly the plastic creaks while his head is pounding viciously. It feels like someone hit him with an ax and split his brain in two. The bottle then slips in his grip and rattles to the floor, pills scattering everywhere.
Fucking shit.
He curses out loud and drops to his knees, trying to gather them, but the room then suddenly tilts violently. For one terrifying second, he almost lets go and slides back into that black tunnel where the pain pulls him under, but he slams his palm hard against the wall and forces himself upright.
Not tonight. Not like this. This isn’t how they’ll fucking find him.
He braces his back against the wall and picks up two pills, swallowing them dry. They taste like bitter chalk on his tongue. He knows they won’t do shit, but at least it feels like he’s still fighting back and hasn’t given up yet.
By the time he hears a knock at his door, he’s steadied himself enough to look functional – not good, but functional. He at least resembles something close to control again. He then rubs a hand over his face and wipes his palms down the front of his gray t-shirt before opening the door.
“Hey,” Amber greets him.
“Hey,” he echoes, his brows drawing together as he glances at the cardboard box in her arms.
“You got a minute?”
Mark lets her inside, and she shoulders right past him into his living room, where she places the mystery box down on his coffee table, dusting her hands.
“So… what’s in the box?” he asks, smirking. “Aww, did you make me a care package? Ain’t that sweet.”
She grunts and rolls her eyes. “No, dumbass. This was sitting on your porch. I’m actually here for something else.”
Mark’s frown deepens as he curiously steps closer to the box and carefully opens the lid. His heart momentarily stops when he rummages through its contents: six t-shirts, a toothbrush, two vinyls, a phone charger, the hoodie he wore during lazy evenings on your couch, and a mug that isn’t his but was graciously included because he liked it so much.
He then bitterly realizes who dropped it off – you. Probably while he was taking a nap after getting home from the hospital today because he knows it wasn’t out there before. At least he thinks he does. His head hasn’t been working right for a while now.
“You called in sick today, so I figured it was serious and not just a hangover from your date. Just wanted to check up on you,” Amber admits quietly and studies him for a beat, eyeing him from head to toe and probably thinking he looks like shit. “You good, man?”
He swallows the lump in his throat, eyes still fixed on the box when he nods. “Yeah, uh, I’m fine.”
“What’s with the break-up box?” she asks and motions with her chin to it. “Guess the date didn’t go well, huh?”
He snorts a chuckle, and it almost sounds despondent. It truly went like shit. If there was an award for the worst date ever, he’d surely win it.
“Wasn’t a date. Was just casual,” he mutters defensively. Maybe if he keeps repeating it like a mantra, it eventually becomes true.
Amber gives a scoff of disbelief, amused. “Man, I hate to break it to you, but judging by the amount of shit in that box, it looks like you practically moved in with her.”
His fingers fish through the contents again, but there’s no note, no letter, or anything else from you. Not even a one-liner explaining the mug. Is it a parting gift from you?
“C’mon, dude, anyone with two eyes can see that you like her,” Amber quips impatiently. “So why don’t you just man up and apologize for whatever shit I’m sure you did. You know, put on the charming smile I wanna punch so badly every day and go tell her you wanna date her for real.”
He cocks an eyebrow at her. “You seriously giving me relationship advice? You, leader of the Mark Meachum hate club?”
“Honestly, I’m as surprised as you are,” she retorts easily, smirking. “But…” she adds and takes a step closer, folding her arms over her chest. “The past few weeks, you’ve been a little more bearable and haven’t been as downright insufferable as when I first met you, so if she had anything to do with that, don’t let her go so fast. It’s literally all I’m saying.”
Mark scoffs a humorless laugh. “Yeah, well, maybe she was good for me. Doesn’t mean I’m good for her.”
Amber lifts a brow. “C’mon, that’s a little dramatic, even for you. What d’you do? Sleep with someone else?”
He shoots her a glare. “We weren’t exclusive,” he grits for the umpteenth time, but then he pauses, chewing on his bottom lip. “And even then… there was no one else, okay? Happy now?”
She throws her arms up. “Then what’s the goddamn problem, Meachum? She likes you, too. I could tell.”
He huffs a bitter laugh, shaking his head. “You couldn’t tell shit.”
Mark knows the truth: if you had liked him, you wouldn’t have dodged him all night and sabotaged the entire evening to the best of your abilities. Even before he fainted, the so-called “date” had been a disaster. You made it clear you don’t want to be with him, and he doesn’t want you to stay out of obligation.
“Meach–”
“I have a tumor,” he cuts in and closes his eyes for a second as soon as those words finally leave his lips. He’s been holding onto them for too long, guarding them like a secret, but if the past twenty-four hours have taught him anything, it’s that he can’t keep lying any longer. He’s playing with other people’s lives as well and not just his own anymore.
“What?” Amber’s eyes widen before her brow scrunches, trying to make sense of it. “A tumor?”
Mark then goes through the same roll of questions again that he just went through last night with you. He wishes it’d be easier or more comfortable each time he does it, but it never is. People are always shocked before giving him a pitying look.
“When did you find out?” Amber asks at last, having found a seat in his living room a while ago before he brought her a beer to wash the news down.
“A year ago,” he replies and watches her eyebrows shoot up briefly.
“Guess that explains it then,” she mumbles almost inaudibly, and while he knows what she’s probably referring to, he refuses to get into it. She still doesn’t know shit.
Instead of arguing for once, he tries to make a joke of it. “See? You always wanted to know why I suck at relationships. Here’s your reason – death sentence. Boom. Explains everything.”
She frowns slightly, but not as much as she would’ve before the news. He already hates it – being treated differently.
“You think letting her go is doing her a favor,” Amber then states more than she asks.
“I know it is,” he says and shrugs, forcing a smile. “Kind thing’s to let her move on and not fucking tie her to a sinking ship. I’m not dragging her into my mess. Not unless Hallmark’s looking for a new tearjerker…”
She arches an eyebrow. “And which woman are you talking about exactly here?”
Mark clicks his tongue. “Both of ‘em. Don’t act like you don’t fucking agree.”
Oliveras doesn’t argue. After she leaves, there’s a heaviness that settles in his heart and the silence feels all-consuming. He stares at the box until his eyes goddamn burn and his hands curl into fists. He sees you in every fold of fabric and every careful placement. It feels like you couldn’t bear to be careless with what was his, even when you should’ve.
Fuck.
He wants to call you. He wants to go to you and show up at your house again. He wants to explain everything and beg you to stay, even if it’s just out of fucking pity.
But he doesn’t. He can’t.
All there’s left now is the job and the things he can control. The rest – the cancer, his heart, and you – are out of his hands.
That part’s done.
A week later, Mark finds himself somewhere he never thought he’d be. In fact, he knows better than to sit in a stiff waiting room chair in front of Leah’s office, expecting anything else but a slamming door in his face. Still, he taps his fingers restlessly against his thighs and glances to the door every few minutes, hoping for the best.
After a little over an hour, the door finally opens, and Leah steps out and almost strolls past him, her white coat swaying with her movements.
“Leah.”
She stops in her tracks, eyes widening when they spot him, but the shock only lasts for a second before she turns the professionalism on. “Mark,” she says, brow furrowing as she steps a little closer. “What are you doing here?”
He rises from his chair, nervously rubbing his hands. “Listen, uhm, I know I’m probably the last person you wanna see, but I need a minute, okay?”
She hesitates at first but then gives him a reluctant nod, holding the door open for him. “Alright, come in. But I just got a few minutes before I have to check on a patient.”
He raises his palms in surrender. “All I need.”
He follows her inside, her office feeling a lot warmer than the sterile clinic hallway. It’s personal, lived-in, and professional all at once and matches every story you’ve ever told him about your friend, which is why he knows he can trust her, even after all the shit he’s done.
There’s a small plant, a stack of medical journals, and a photo tucked into the corner of her desk. His eyes fix on it and freeze on a picture of you, Leah, and Maya at, what he assumes, was your high school graduation, judging by how bright and alive all three of you seem.
He’s not sure if Leah catches him staring, but if she does, she doesn’t comment on it.
“How–, uhm, how is she?” Mark dares to ask and finds Leah looking at him like she’s expected the question.
“She’s doing fine,” Leah replies graciously.
“Good,” he manages to say and swallows harshly. “Good, yeah…” He rubs his jaw and chokes the sting in his eyes back down. “I know you probably hate me, and look, you have every right to. I know I was an asshole, and you were right about everything, okay? I know I should’ve told her before–… well, you know.”
“I do know,” Leah says dryly before her expression softens into something kinder. “She’s not mad at you, though, by the way. She’s just… working through it, you know?”
Mark doesn’t know what to respond to that, so he just nods and lets the lump in his throat thicken.
“Are you here to talk about her?” Leah arches an eyebrow. “‘Cause there’s nothing I can do. I’m not getting in the middle of this.”
“No, I know,” he says, deflated, and runs a hand down his face. “I’m not here for that.”
The creases in her brow intensify. “Don’t tell me you’re already out,” she hisses, keeping her voice intentionally down as much as she can. “Those pills were supposed to last you a month. You can’t just swallow them like Tic Tacs. Unlike other things…” she mutters the last part under her breath, but he still picks up on it.
“What does that mean?”
Her eyes widen for the briefest second, but again, he wouldn’t be a detective if he didn’t notice these things. At this point, he thinks of himself as a human lie detector. Ironic, considering how many lies he tells himself. Maybe it’s the reason why he’s so good at it, too.
“Nothing.” She clears her throat, shaking her head. “Look, I can’t give you another refill, okay? You’re gonna have to talk to Condrey and come up with a pain management plan, alright? And I know your job is important to you – as is mine, by the way – but you can’t keep working like this. If last week has proven anything, it’s that you need to fucking face the facts and admit that you need help. You’re seriously gonna hurt someone if you keep this up–”
“Are you done?” he snaps.
Her eyebrows shoot up. “No, I’m not fucking done. What the hell is wrong with you?”
He rolls his eyes back and sighs exasperatedly. “I haven’t even touched the fucking stuff yet, alright? Which is probably why I fucking… passed out in front of your best friend. But can people just cut me a fucking break for once? I’m fucking going through a lot right now if you can’t see!”
Mark’s chest is practically heaving by the time he’s done. He should feel embarrassed for his outburst, but in a strange way, he only feels lighter. He's swallowed drop after drop for nearly a year till it was enough to create a storm to burst his seams.
Leah, on the other hand, doesn’t even blink. She lets a breath out through her nose and sits calmly down in her chair, gesturing for him take a seat, too.
He plops down in one of the chairs in front of her desk, shoulders slumped. “I’m sorry,” he murmurs.
She snorts. “Don’t worry about it. You’re not the first patient to yell at me. Almost all of them do at some point,” she says lightheartedly. “If you’re not here for her or for a refill, what exactly are you here for, Mark?”
“I–, uh, I need your help,” he says and leans forward on his knees, chuckling nervously. “I–… What d’you–, uh… what d’you think about Condrey?”
Her brow knits in bewilderment. “Condrey? What? Why?”
“Yeah, c’mon, just give me your honest opinion, you know?” he clarifies and looks at her. “Is he a good doctor?”
“Mark–” She’s halfway to holding another lecture before he stops her.
“Just tell me, alright? I need to know,” he insists and watches her fall back into her chair, defeated.
“He’s my boss, okay? You’ve already messed with my career enough for a month, and I’m a young doctor, alright? I’m very much still dependent on this job and my reputation. Do you know there’s about a thousand others out there ready to take my job? And they’re just as good as me, but most of them are competitive narcissists with a God complex. Trust me – I’ve been to med school with them,” she huffs. “I actually care about my patients, alright?”
Mark nods. “I know. She–, uh, she told me about your sister, you know?”
“Yeah,” Leah admits. “I–, uh, I was still little, so I don’t remember much about her, but I remember how much my parents grieved her. So, you know, I’m just trying to help other people not go through the same thing.”
“So help me,” he nearly begs, and even though he’s trying to hide it, he’s sure Leah can hear the desperation in his voice.
She caves with a sigh. “Condrey’s a fine doctor, okay? I really mean that. He has a lot of experience in what he’s doing,” she says and then pauses for a beat. “But… sometimes that can make people a little jaded, you know? And I can admit that he’s not exactly up-to-date on some newer procedures. Doesn’t make him a bad doctor, though. There’s–, uhm, just a rumor that his eyesight isn’t the best anymore, so he avoids doing surgery on patients he deems hopeless.”
Mark purses his lips, nodding. “Got a Captain like that,” he jokes. Leah shoots him a look, and he clears his throat, leveling with her. “Listen, uhm… have you looked at my files?”
“No,” she says and furrows her brow again. He figures the skepticism seems to be innate at this point. “Why would I?”
“I just figured, you know, because…” He scratches the back of his neck and tosses a look at the photo on her desk. Then he gives a casual and yet suggestive shrug of his shoulders. “Maybe you were curious.”
People can say what they want about his methods and techniques, but they work on criminals most of the time.
But Leah only sighs like she’s entertaining a child. “I see we’ve reached the bargaining stage,” she deadpans but then leans forward, elbows on desk. “Look, Mark, I’m gonna be honest with you here–”
Uh-oh. He knows what that means. It’s usually followed by a big, fat no.
“–but even if I take a look, with something like glioblastoma multiforme, it’s pretty–”
“Yeah, I know. It’s hopeless,” he finishes for her. “I’m just asking you to take a second look and give me your honest opinion just like you did now.”
Leah’s mouth opens, then closes again. Her gaze flicks to the picture on her desk, fingers musingly tapping her pen. “Fine. I’ll take a look,” she agrees but instantly stops him from thanking her with a raised palm. “I’d just like to remind you to think about your expectations here. Don’t get your hopes up because even if I advise a treatment plan for you, even with radiation and chemo, even if the tumor does shrink and we can remove it all safely in surgery, there’s a high chance this thing’s coming back within one to two years. You understand that, right?”
Mark swallows but nods nevertheless. “Yeah, I get that,” he admits and finds her eyes. “I just wanna know if there’s anything I can do, you know? I thought I was fine going out that way, but I feel like I’d bite myself in the ass if there was something I could’ve done. Something different I could’ve tried. I don’t know… Sounds stupid, I guess.”
“No, it doesn’t,” she says, giving him a kind smile. “Why did you come to me, though, for a second opinion? You know I’m a pediatric oncologist, right? As in… children.”
“Yeah, no, I know,” Mark chuckles guiltily, scratching the back of his neck. “I tried getting appointments with three others, but the earliest they could pencil me in was four months from now, so… didn’t think I had that much time left, you know? Besides, a lotta people tell me I behave like a child. Figured my brain’s probably the same, right?”
“I can see where you’re coming from with that, yeah. Glad I was your fourth pick,” she replies, amused. But then her smile fades a little, eyes drifting back to the photo of the three of you. “Look, uhm, she told me that you don’t have palliative care in place.”
“And I’m not gonna,” he cuts in instantly.
“I know you don’t wanna die this way and go out on the job, right?” Leah surmises, and he gives her the courtesy of a nod. “You’re not the only one who wants to choose their own dream death, but realistically, most of us don’t get to, okay? You’re gonna need people around you to support you. You can’t do this alone, Mark.”
He doesn’t respond. He doesn’t know how. He’s been pushing these exact thoughts away for months, hoping the problem solves itself before it ever gets too far. Before the disease gets every part of him.
Before he has to fucking solve it himself.
“You want me to call her?” Leah’s question rips him from his stupor. “I think she’d–… she’d stay if you let her, you know? Maybe you guys just need to talk–”
But Mark vehemently shakes his head. “No. Nope,” he says. “I’m not gonna drag her into this mess. Ain’t gonna happen, alright?”
Leah closes her mouth and huffs a sigh. “Fine.”
It’s been a fucking day.
You dropped off Leah and Maya at LAX at dawn before a storm came in. The sky broke open on the freeway on your way home, and the rain hammered so hard against your windshield you could barely see. And just like that, a tree crashed down onto the hood of your car, the windshield spiderwebbed in front of your eyes, and you were trapped inside.
Lucky for you, Station 41, Ollie’s old crew, were just two blocks away and recognized you instantly. Marisol and Derek, the two EMS people, then drove you to the hospital. At this point, you’ve seen the emergency room too many damn times in a short period of time.
The doctor’s verdict, though? Two cracked ribs, a sprained ankle, a few cuts and bruises, but the baby’s fine. The relief you felt after hearing those news was strange.
It had only been three days since you’ve taken your first test. You were still weighing options, balancing scales, and making pro and con lists, but after the worry you’ve felt for something you didn’t even know you had a few days ago pretty much finalized the decision.
“You need to come by the station sometime,” Marisol says and lays a gentle hand on your shoulder. “Everyone misses you.”
You shift in the uncomfortable ER bed and wince slightly, your ribs taped and your arm stitched from where some glass cut into it. “Yeah, sure. Soon,” you reply, only managing a thin smile.
You had planned to stop by the station many times over the years, but each time it seemed too hard.
She squeezes your hand. “Congrats again, by the way. We’re real happy for you.”
Needless to say, telling your dead husband’s old friends, who once treated you like family, that you were pregnant was probably the least fun part of your day.
Was this your punishment for doing the responsible thing and canceling the annual girls' trip to Cabo?
You surely thought things couldn’t get worse today. But then your eyes catch a flicker of a familiar leather jacket and land square on him.
“Shit.”
Mark.
Marisol follows your gaze to the emergency room’s nurses’ station, about twenty feet away from you, where Mark is standing and staring right at you, speechless. The navy shirt underneath his jacket flatters him, clinging just enough across his broad chest and shoulders that you remember how solid he feels when he’s close. He looks unfairly good – the kind of good that makes you forget for a second where you are.
“Who’s that?” Marisol asks, drawing your attention back to her.
“Oh, uh… he’s–, uhm…” You can’t find more words than a stammer, but Marisol seems to understand you nonetheless.
“Gotcha,” she says with a tiny grin and squeezes your shoulder gently one last time. “We’ll let you rest. Don’t be a stranger, alright?”
“Thanks, guys.” You give her a kind nod, noticing from the corner of your eye how Mark creeps closer.
Marisol and Derek pass right by him, Mark taking an inconspicuous look at them before taking a few fast strides till he’s at the end of your bed. The longer you look at him, though, the more the cracks show. His jacket hangs a little looser than it used to, and his skin’s paler than it should be, shadows pressing deep under his eyes like bruises that won’t fade. He still carries himself like nothing touches him, however, ironclad armor like always, but you still see it – the sickness is tucked just beneath the surface, hiding in the nooks and crannies of his body.
“What the hell happened?” Mark looks at you like he’s ready to fight someone, his deep voice burning gravel and smoke.
“Car accident,” you reply quickly, but you can already see his mouth opening, probably ready to threaten whatever bastard collided with you. “Tree fell on the car. But look, I’m fine, alright? They’re just gonna keep me overnight, so you can go.”
He seems taken aback by your brashness, but you don’t really care. “Fine?” His forest green eyes wander over the bruises on your collarbone, the IV in your arm, the cuts on your face, and the tape decorating your ribs. “You don’t look fucking fine.”
“Look, I appreciate the concern, but I really don’t wanna see you, okay?” you say, maybe a little too harshly, but your therapist always talks about healthy boundaries.
“Yeah, uh… sure.” Mark scratches his throat, shifting slightly on his feet, but he doesn’t move away just yet. “You–, uh, you want me to call someone? Maya? Leah?”
“No, I’m good. They’re in Cabo,” you tell him.
“Right.” He nods, probably remembering when you told him about your girls’ trip three weeks ago. “Weren’t you supposed to go, too?”
“Didn’t feel like it,” you reply with your last ounce of patience.
“What about family? You want me to call Danny or your mom–”
“No, look, I’m fine, alright?” you snap and watch him flinch, clearly not expecting the harshness in your voice. “I don’t need you to call anyone. I can still work my phone on my own. I’ll take a cab home when they discharge me tomorrow. It’s not a big deal, so you can go back to whatever you were doing now. Why are you even here? Are you okay?”
He nods, rubbing his jaw. “Yeah, uh, I’m fine. My boss got attacked, so we came to check up on him.”
“Oh. I’m sorry,” you say sincerely. “Is he gonna be alright?”
“Yeah, he’s gonna be fine,” Mark shares and then gives a crooked smile. “He’s already yelling at the nurses and doctors.” He then gestures vaguely at your injuries with his chin. “So, how bad is it?”
“Couple broken ribs and some cuts and bruises. I’ll live,” you say, still waiting for him to leave, but he doesn’t even try to take a single step away.
He lightly taps his fists against the rails at the foot of your bed. “Look, uhm, just let me at least grab your stuff from home. You know, clothes, your favorite hoodie, a toothbrush? Something that’s not a damn hospital gown. You really wanna spend the night like this?”
You’re already getting ready to argue, willing him to back down, but he cuts in before you can.
“Please,” he adds, eyes locking with yours. “Just let me do this, and I promise you won’t ever have to see my face again after.”
Somehow that thought stings, but you try to not let it show. Even if you weren’t mad as hell at him, you know that’s just the reality you have to face either way.
“Fine,” you relent, exhaling sharply. “One bag, no snooping, and stay out of my fridge.”
The corners of his mouth twitch slightly, biting back a smile. “Deal.”
The ceramic hedgehog greets him with that same stupid grin on your porch. He’s told you more than once it’s not safe to keep the spare key outside and hide it there, but you never fucking listen because you’re stubborn as hell and always have to do things your way. In the end, you just shrugged like it was his problem and not yours.
Out of his hands. Out of his control. Salt in the wound – like everything else with you.
The lock turns, and the scent of you swallows him whole. The house is exactly as he remembers, and that fucking hurts more than he expects. He hates how easy it is to picture himself here again.
He grabs the current crime novel you’re reading from the armchair and throws it into a bag. He’s oddly not a fan of crime fiction, but he remembers your soft and sweet voice mocking him when you’d read passages aloud, telling him he’s too critical – too much of a cop to ever just enjoy it. Now, the memory brings a smile to his face.
The hoodie draped over your chair is next. It’s your favorite one, and he recalls all the nights you’ve worn it, long sleeves swallowing your hands as you snuggled up against him on the couch. He folds it neatly into a bundle and lets the sting subside.
The sweats follow right after. He remembers how you giggled when he peeled them off you in the dim light of your bedroom and how you rolled your eyes when he teased you about how threadbare they were. Every memory aches in a different way as he walks with his own ghost through the house.
By the time he makes it into the bathroom, his headache’s getting worse again, his brain threatening to crack open. It claws sharply behind his eyes, forcing him to grip the counter and ride it out till the pounding recedes. But his elbow accidentally knocks over a bottle of lotion, dropping straight into the trash bin.
Mark crouches down, vision swimming as he fishes the bottle out again, but his fingers accidentally touch something else, pulling out a smooth, white stick. His brow furrows as he inspects the item, a grayscale smiley face grinning back at him.
For a moment, he doesn’t comprehend what he’s staring at till his sluggish brain finally catches on – pregnancy test.
He figures the smiley face isn’t celebrating a negative result, though. Isn’t that a little presumptuous?
He freezes, clutching the stick tightly in his hand as he stares at it. His heart hammers so loudly it drowns out everything else, but when his gaze shifts, he catches the mess underneath it – wrappers, boxes, and more sticks. Dozens of them, all telling the same story.
You’re pregnant.
He slowly settles on the cold bathroom floor, leaning his back against the cabinet as he stares at the test, fingers trembling around the plastic stick. He’s spent over a year knowing the clock was running out, burning through what time he had left on this planet. Then you walked into his life, and for a second, he let himself want more. He’s dying, and he’s making the only woman he’s ever cared about bear the consequences of his failure.
The bitter irony twists inside of him until he almost chokes on it.
His heart is pounding. His mind is spinning. The silence is deafening. He presses the heels of his palms against his eyes as the truth slams into him harder than the headache ever could.
It’s all too fucking much.
▶️ Band-Aids Don't Fix Bullet Holes
Welp, those two are about to have their hands full! Looks like Mark decided to get that second opinion just in time 😉 There also might be more bickering in their future as they're evolving to full-on idiots in love lol. Are you wondering who's gonna break and tell the truth first? Leah would surely advocate for it 😂
Coming Up:
“Wow,” you comment as you stand in the middle of his entryway, eyes still scanning every inch from floor to ceiling. “Wasn’t even sure this place existed. For a second, I thought we’re gonna arrive in Narnia after you opened that door.”
Mark purses his lips, bobbing his head. “Funny.”
“Hey, for all I know you could’ve been homeless,” you retort with a sharpness in your tone that can carve through a diamond.
He raises his brows a little and mutters, “Coulda knocked and seen for yourself when you dropped off that box.”
You shoot him a look. “I figured you wanted your stuff back. I was trying to be nice.”
“Coulda said hi. Would’ve been nice, too,” he throws back and knows picking a fight isn’t the best course of action.
You scoff exhaustively. “Thought I was doing you a solid. You made it pretty damn clear you didn’t wanna see me again.”
“Hey now, it wasn’t about that, and you know that. I didn’t wanna drag you into my fucking mess,” he argues as gently as he can with a headache roaring inside his skull.
🚀 Read the next three chapters now on Patreon
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tfatws bucky barnes 🫶🏼🤍 my husband
if you leave something behind (you gain something too.)
pairing: bucky barnes x multiverse! reader summary: you’re a TVA agent—meant to observe, never interfere—but you fall for him in every universe. every iteration. every version of james buchanan Barnes. and across centuries, across collapse and convergence, that love stays. steady. inevitable. written into the code of the multiverse like a rule it can’t break. (multiverse!) inspired by past lives (2023) and the ministry of time. for an expanded explanation and playlist, click here. word count: 15.7k content warnings: 18+ mdni, fem reader, heavy angst w/ a happy ending, oral (f and m receiving), creampie, piv, praise, overstimulation, hair pulling, breast worship, use of pet names, mentions of death and loss
This is it.
The glamorous, sparkling career of a TVA precision-field agent.
Emphasis on “precision.” Emphasis on “field.” Emphasis, mostly, on “agent,” because the term “analyst” was deemed too misleading after what happened in 1806 Prussia (one rogue spreadsheet, a very confused Napoleon, and three weeks of bureaucratic bloodshed).
You’re not like the Minutemen, stomping into timelines in those tactical chic jumpsuits, pruning anomalies with the self-satisfaction of people who still think “delete” is a solution. You’re not an auditor—thank God—squinting at branching event charts and muttering about entropy coefficients over cold tea.
No. You’re the needle. The thread. The hand that sews.
Your job is surgical. Your presence is a whisper. Where others correct by erasure, you correct by inclusion. You enter the timeline. You become part of it. You don’t push the dominoes over—you walk by, breathe funny, and trust the air will tip them just right.
There’s no glory in your work. No medals. No mission logs, either.
Everything you do is redacted—even from you. You carry the residue of other people’s lives under your fingernails, and sometimes forget which memories belong to whom.
Sometimes you wake up choking on grief that was never yours. You learn to live with that.
It’s the first thing they ask you in training, during the psych filters: Would knowing the future help you grieve less?
No one answers yes. Not honestly.
You understand now why. There’s no solace in foreknowledge, just the burden of it. Knowing that someone dies doesn’t stop you from loving them. It just makes every moment feel like a countdown.
You specialize in delicate convergences: moments in history so precariously balanced that a sneeze in the wrong direction could avalanche into centuries of collapse. Your handlers call them “softpoints.” You call them “the edge of the knife.”
Sometimes you’re a midwife in 1421. Sometimes you’re the barista who smiles just enough to make a physicist reconsider her route to work. Sometimes you’re a corpse at the right place, the right time, to remind a man of the past he keeps trying to forget.
Right now, you're really fucking hungover.
You started having the dream again.
Not a dream, exactly. A memory with the edges worn smooth. At first it came in pieces—clipped sounds, filtered light, the low hum of something old and mechanical beneath your feet. You dismissed it. Just timeline residue. A misplaced echo.
But it kept returning.
Always the same: a red-brick apartment building. New York—no file, no mission tag—in winter. Brooklyn, more specifically, from your view of the bridge. You’re on a stoop. Someone calls your name and you turn just in time to see a shadow disappear around the corner. A laugh rides the wind, low and familiar.
You wake up before you follow. Every time.
Your mouth tastes like floor polish and betrayal. Your eyes open one at a time, not out of coordination, but protest. Your skull seems like it's determined to play a high-stakes game of ping-pong against itself.
You groan.
This is how your days usually start.
You sit up slowly, bones cracking like old film reels, and assess the carnage around your quarters.
Clothes: on the chair, on the floor, one boot in the sink.
Timepad: blinking faintly on the nightstand, still charged.
Your hair is somewhere between “ungovernable” and “formerly respected.” You run a hand through it and immediately regret that decision. Your reflection in the tiny wall mirror is a damning indictment of last night’s choices. Smudged eyeliner. A smear of something neon-orange near your jawline. You shower quickly — TVA-issued water pressure: inconsistent, ironic. You pull on a button-up and slacks instead — neutral, inoffensive.
You’ll blend into whatever century they throw you into next. For now, you settle for looking like you might belong in the TVA cafeteria line.
By the time you lace your boots (twice — the first attempt ends in a mild panic attack and a missing sock), the hangover’s down to a dull roar. Your breath smells like expired mint gum and broken dreams, so you down two cups of black coffee and chew on one of those flavorless temporal hydration tablets like it might save your soul.
You do your job. Reliably. Unremarkably. The way they like it.
And sometimes you drink enough that for a few hours, you don’t remember how you got here. Or how you’ve always been here.
You toss your timepad into your holster, slap a mediocre patch on your face to cover the worst of the under-eye shadows, and mutter something vaguely threatening at your own reflection.
Time to go.
Three mugs deep into lukewarm cafeteria coffee that tastes like regret and the glue holding office furniture together, you’re hunched over yet another Form G-17 — “Suspected Non-Nexus Deviation: B-Class Branch.” Your fourth this week. You’ve logged more hours categorizing existential anomalies than actually interfering with any, which is particularly unusual, for you anyway. You've been dormant for much longer than you're used to.
The previous G-17s included such branch classics as “cow develops rudimentary consciousness,” “Steve Rogers blinks twice during a televised 2013 speech instead of once,” and “Loki starts a book club.” (Unauthorized self-improvement remains a hot-button issue.)
This one, though—this one’s different.
The case file reads:
CASE FILE: #616-BE0 MISSION CLASS: Softpoint Convergence LOCATION: Siberia, USSR DATE: February 1955 SUMMARY: A low-grade temporal softpoint has been detected. Origin ambiguous. Energy output consistent with pre-convergent instability. Divergent potential is not yet sufficient to trigger a Nexus Event, but the timeline is exhibiting signs of local timeline ‘fraying.’ Mission parameters suggest passive stabilization through presence, not correction. Duration: 3 hours. Environmental hostility high. NOTES: Embed into local context. Observe anomaly behavior. Maintain temporal camouflage. Apply Softpoint Integration Protocol if deviation escalates.
You stare at the file.
Cold, quiet dread coils low in your stomach. Siberia. February. 1955. No glamour in that assignment—just ice and silence and the kind of untraceable damage that leaves timelines limping.
Across from you, Casey is organizing his pen caddy by weight again. You catch a glimpse of the sticky note on his lunchbox: “Please do not eat my croissant. Please.” The second “please” is underlined three times.
You stole that croissant yesterday.
Honestly, he should thank you. It was a little dry.
You turn your eyes back to the file and eye the temperature index: -43°C. S. “Oh good,” you mutter to no one. “Toe amputation weather.”
You stand, suit creaking as you shift, and tug on your tie with practiced resentment. You snap your timepad into place on your wrist. The UI pings with a mild hum — dull orange light, sanctioned and soulless.
Casey looks up.
“Heading out?” he asks, hopeful. He always wants your desk when you’re gone. You have the only chair that doesn’t squeak like a dying goose.
“Yup,” you say. “Brad flagged something ‘mildly interesting.’ We’ll see if it’s another raccoon wasted off shrooms.”
“Or a bear,” Casey offers.
You click your timepad open, keying in the Siberia coordinates. “Or a hallucinating bear.”
Casey nods gravely.
The door opens, temporal energy flaring in its signature burnt-orange halo. You take one last swig of your bad coffee, grimace as it hits your tongue, and mutter, “Let’s go see what broke this time.”
Then you step through.
The light swallows you whole.
And you forget, for a second—just a second—that you were ever anything else.
EARTH-616 | SIBERIA, 1955
The walls groaned when the wind pressed against them. Not urgently. Not like they were in danger of collapse. More like an old man muttering in his sleep.
You didn’t trust the ship, not entirely. It had been retrofitted for temporal operations, but barely—still more icebreaker than chronal vessel. The insulation was patchy in places, and every vent exhaled a little breath of cold that bit at your ankles. If the TVA had a top-shelf of deployment crafts, this wasn’t on it. This was bottom-shelf. Dusty. Dinged up. Probably cursed.
Still. It was warm. Warm enough.
Outside, Siberia stretched like a battlefield already lost. White, endless, blank. Indifferent to watchers, to wanderers, to time itself. It didn’t care that the threads of history bent here. That the TVA had deemed this place a convergence zone—a softpoint where multiple outcomes were forming brittle overlaps. No Nexus spike yet. But something was pulsing.
You leaned back against the wall and let the thermos rest against your chest. The rhythmic thump of the engine hummed through your bones. You liked that. The vibration reminded you that you were still solid. Still here. Still someone with a job to do.
Observe. Do not interfere.
And yet. A flicker on the monitor caught your attention.
Unidentified movement—Quadrant C. Low thermal. Not vehicle. Not patrol. One heat signature. Steady. Moving through the storm.
Human-shaped. Probably.
You didn’t move yet. Just watched. Let it crawl across the display while you listened to the wind.
You checked your timepad again. No nexus flare. No spike. But there was a pulse. Faint, irregular. Like the anomaly was alive.
You didn’t believe in fate. But you believed in gravity. In the way some people pulled history around them like cloaks. This place? It felt pulled.
The door behind you hissed open, then shut again with a metallic shudder—just a shift in cabin pressure, but your body went still anyway. One hand tightened around the cooling thermos; the other hovered near your holster. Not paranoid. Just prepared.
You took a breath. Let it sit in your lungs like steam.
The blip on the monitor moved closer. Still slow. Still steady.
Somewhere out there, in that wide, white nowhere, something was walking toward you.
Before you can focus or fixate on the blip, you hear the bang. It’s not the ship groaning this time. Not the distant thunder of ice shifting. This is close. Inside.
Then the ping.
INTERNAL SECURITY BREACH: SECTOR 7 – SUB-HOLD ACCESS. UNAUTHORIZED MOVEMENT DETECTED.
Of course. Of course it’s the hold.
You didn't run. Running was noise, panic, a rookie move. Instead, you moved swiftly and fluidly, silent as frost.
The corridor narrowed as you descended, metal groaning beneath your boots, the walls sweating condensation from the sudden temperature drop. Ahead, you heard clear sounds of intrusion—boots scraping against metal, something sharp and metallic snapping like bone.
Voices shouted orders in Russian, clipped and urgent.
You pressed against the wall outside the sub-hold entrance, flicking your wrist to pull up the heat signatures on your timepad. Four—no, five—distinct signatures flickered on screen, scattered and frantic, like dropped matchsticks.
Far more than the single blip you'd tracked earlier.
You move anyway.
Quiet. Calculated. Not to neutralize—just to see.
Inside, the hold is chaos: crates overturned, equipment flickering, something sulfuric in the air. A soldier stumbles into your path, disoriented, eyes wrong—like the mind inside doesn’t fit anymore. You sidestep, smooth and practiced, letting him fall without intervention. Another crashes through the smoke and doesn’t even register you.
Your breath clouds the air. The hold smells like ozone and rust and something sharper—like old blood sealed in with frost. And then you see it.
In the corner of the hold, something hums—low, persistent, and thoroughly annoying. Not a cryo chamber, thank god. You've had enough encounters with frozen bodies this fiscal quarter.
Instead, it's a pulse field generator—standard TVA gear, uncomfortably grafted onto mid-century Soviet tech. You frown deeply, which is practically your default expression at this point. This thing was supposed to be dormant.
According to the updated log, this thing is officially a Temporal Dissipation Node—a fancy TVA euphemism for a safety valve that bleeds out timeline tension. Supposedly passive, no-contact. The kind of setup they drop into delicate softpoints, relying entirely on subtlety and minimal human interaction.
This node, however, isn't subtle at all. It's malfunctioning, stuttering irregular pulses instead of smooth ones. Perfect. You crouch, eyes narrowing as you spot obvious manual overrides and Soviet tampering. Wonderful. Someone's been messing around inside the casing.
“Great,” you mutter under your breath, tasting bitterness that has nothing to do with your morning coffee. “No wonder they didn’t send backup. Needed someone expendable.”
Before you can fully embrace the gravity of the situation, the far wall explodes inward in a decidedly dramatic fashion—metal screeching, smoke filling the room. You whip around, baton raised instinctively, already calculating how much paperwork this will generate—
—and freeze.
Because someone's standing there. Just standing. Breathing hard, like he ran the whole way here through the ice.
His hair is long and damp at the ends, curling slightly where the frost is starting to melt. His clothes are frayed at the edges—standard-issue Soviet combat gear, only half-zipped, soaked through. There’s snow clinging to the edges of his sleeve. His stance is wide, solid. Familiar in a way that makes your blood run cold.
But it's his eyes that hold you still.
Not the metal arm, titanium and deadly. Not his sharp-edged stance, nor the rifle slung almost forgotten across his back. It's the eyes—pale blue, intensely focused. Clear. Too clear.
Just staring.
Like you’re an answer to a question he hasn’t been able to phrase. Like he’s seen you before and forgot until now.
And maybe—you freeze, stomach folding in on itself—maybe you forgot too.
The Winter Soldier. James Buchanan Barnes.
It’s not recognition, exactly. Not full-blown. But something in you shifts, quiet and tectonic. The sensation of stepping into a half-remembered dream. Or maybe it's the ache you’ve been waking up with lately, the dream you can never hold onto, just shapes and colors and a voice you almost know.
You’ve heard plenty about Bu—the Winter Soldier from hushed whispers in break rooms and blurry security footage in restricted archives. Never once did you picture him looking so… aware.
At the TVA, he’s quietly regarded as a tragedy. Not a threat, not a glitch—just a sorrow too persistent to be useful. His story, in every version they’ve managed to scrape together, is one long unraveling. Grief braided into duty. Identity shredded and rebuilt, over and over, never the same way twice. He’s the man who keeps losing himself and somehow finding his way back—bloodied, wrong, resilient.
Maybe that’s why he doesn’t replicate well. His story’s too heavy to echo cleanly across timelines. The trauma calcifies too early or never forms at all. He fractures, or fades, or dies too soon. The man doesn’t scale. Whatever makes him who he is—the loyalty, the guilt, the staggering, stubborn will to keep trying—it’s never quite transferable.
The few variants that do emerge feel more like flickers than full lives. Glimpses. Reverberations. None of them last long. Some of them are never quite right.
In all your missions, all the cautious mentions of him across different centuries and realities and debriefs and documents, you’ve never actually met any versions of him.
Not directly. Not face-to-face. You’ve seen the aftershocks he leaves behind—cratered timelines, corrupted code, confused agents muttering about ghosts with metal arms. You’ve traced the outlines of his story across so many fractured worlds, each one slightly wrong. The scent of smoke where he should’ve stood. A silhouette in archival footage. A name carved into a resistance wall in a language long dead. But never him. Not until now.
It should be insignificant. It shouldn't matter. There should be no correlation, not even a twinge of paths intertwining.
Except now he’s standing in front of you, and it feels like being struck clean through the chest with something invisible and ancient.
In one smooth movement, he dispatches a soldier—a precise blade across the throat. No wasted motion. No hesitation. Then his eyes sweep the hold again, landing on you and locking in place like he couldn't stand to take his eyes away.
You take in the rest of him.
His face is younger, but that's to be expected. Well, not young, exactly—but preserved, like a man caught mid-sentence and left on pause. Strong jaw, a haunted set to his mouth, cheekbones that look sculpted more by winter than by genes. He looks like he hasn’t shaved in a week and hasn’t cared in far longer. You run a mental calculator, it must've been only about a decade since… the thing.
But it’s the eyes again—flicking over you, sharp and clinical. Blue, frostbitten, edged with something you’d almost call suspicion, if there wasn’t so much… exhaustion in it.
And finally—his silence. Not blank, not confused. Just... watchful. Like he's seen this play out a hundred times already. His head tilts slightly. Just a fraction. Like he’s cataloging the shift in your body language.
Realization hits you with an unpleasant jolt: he’s uncertain. Of the timeline. Of the mission. Of you.
Whatever brutal conditioning was poured into him hasn’t fully rebooted yet. There’s still too much of the man bleeding through the programming. His breath’s too ragged. His movements, a fraction too slow. His gaze—not vacant, not robotic, but… blinking too hard. Like the world’s coming in too fast, too bright, too much.
Your timepad buzzes insistently, a sharp vibration at your wrist—twenty minutes and some change until convergence. You lower your baton slightly, resigned, and open your mouth.
“Look—”
But your sentence is abruptly cut short as a shadow drops from the walkway above, gun raised. Before you can react, a powerful arm wraps across your mouth, hauling you sharply back against a solid chest. The bullet punches into the floor exactly where your head had been, sparking furiously.
“Quiet,” he rasps. His voice is rough-edged, wind-scoured—hoarse from disuse or screaming into nothing or god knows what else. The metal arm presses lightly against your abdomen. Not pinning. Just… grounding.
You nod. One deliberate motion. A signal that you understand. That you’ll play along.
There’s a beat—one heartbeat, maybe two—before he releases you. The contact disappears like breath off a mirror. Quick. Clean.
Two more figures drop from above—armed, definitely not TVA or Soviet. Fantastic. A third-party complication. Just what this mission needed.
Bucky moves first, a blur of ruthless precision. You watch him take down an attacker effortlessly: elbow, weapon disarm, throat strike. Smooth, clinical, deadly poetry.
The air shudders again—an ugly crack in the hull overhead. Your timepad screams: fracture line detected. asset instability threshold imminent. Everything’s shaking. You grab his arm and mutter, “We have to move.”
He hesitates—but only for a second.
Then he runs.
You don’t speak as you sprint through the corridor, ducking falling beams and sparking lights. He stays close. Too close. Like he’s guarding your back on instinct. Like he hasn’t figured out yet that you aren’t the one who needs protecting.
You hit a collapsed hallway and double back, darting into a maintenance shaft. The walls here sweat condensation. Bucky’s chest is heaving from exertion, breath coming too fast.
You glance back.
He’s stopped.
He’s leaning a hand against the wall, eyes shut. Not from exhaustion. From something else.
His metal fist clenches tight—so tight the plating groans—and he presses it to his temple like he’s trying to block something out. His whole body shakes, just once. A full-body flinch. Like his brain’s short-circuiting.
“Hey,” you say, softly now. No command. Just presence. “Hey.”
Nothing.
“Bucky.”
It slips out before you can catch it.
And it works.
He startles. Freezes. His eyes snap open—and they find yours instantly.
Something ancient and aching floods his expression. Not anger. Not threat. Just confusion. Recognition. Fear.
Not of you. For you.
His lips part like he’s going to speak—but no sound comes out.
You move toward him. Slowly. Hands up. Nonthreatening.
You reach him slowly, each step cautious, deliberate. His back is against the bulkhead now, shoulders rigid like he’s trying to hold himself together through sheer force of will. You stop just short, close enough to feel the heat radiating off his body.
The lighting flickers, painting sharp angles across his face. For a moment, he looks nothing like a weapon. He just looks... young. Tired. Worn raw from too many ghosts.
“I’m not here to hurt you,” you say quietly. “I swear. I’m not.”
His jaw twitches. His eyes won’t leave yours. That look again—like he knows you. Like he’s trying to dig the truth out of your face with nothing but instinct and desperation.
“I know this place is loud,” you continue, softer still. “I know your head must feel like a war zone right now. But you’re doing fine. Better than fine.”
A sharp breath. His fingers twitch at his side, metal knuckles flexing like he’s fighting the urge to reach for you. Or to run. You’re not sure which would be worse.
And then the timepad on your wrist pulses—a slow, resonant tone. The kind it only makes when a divergence has been successfully reabsorbed. You glance down.
CONVERGENCE REDIRECTED. NEXUS THRESHOLD STABILIZED.
Of course. That’s what this was. The system was waiting for the moment he didn’t break. For the second he chose not to collapse, or kill, or disappear. A single, improbable outcome unfolding exactly as needed.
It was him. He was the pulse.
You let out a shaky exhale. The node in the hold must’ve gone inert—no more timeline bleed, no more irregular pulses. Outside, the storm’s intensity drops by half in minutes. The hull creaks as pressure stabilizes. Everything’s slowing down. Calming.
It’s over.
The right call now would be to leave. Every protocol you’ve ever memorized is screaming at you to disengage, to extract clean, to leave no mark and make no memory.
But.
You’ve already—fuck, you’ve already. The moment he looked at you like that—like you were familiar, like you mattered—it was over. You are so utterly, catastrophically screwed.
“I don’t know what they told you,” you say, and your voice barely clears your throat. It’s quieter now. Gentler. Like you’re afraid of scaring him back into whatever shell he crawled out of. “About this place. About this mission. I don’t even know if you’re going to remember this tomorrow. But I wanted you to know—”
You don’t finish.
Because he speaks.
“Will I see you again?”
The words are soft. Barely voiced. Like he had to haul them out of someplace deep and rusted shut. They land heavy—denser than sound has any right to be. It knocks the breath out of you.
You blink. “What?”
He steps forward—just one measured step—but it’s enough to change the air between you. Close now. Close enough to see the uneven skin at the corner of his mouth, the wind-chapped crack at his lower lip. Close enough to notice how his left hand shakes, barely-there tremors betraying the tension he’s trying to lock down.
He doesn’t say it again. He doesn’t need to.
You could lie. You could make it easier. There are a dozen lines you’ve used before—smooth, forgettable, safe. But you don’t reach for any of them.
Instead, you smile. It’s lopsided, weary, born of too many years being the one who leaves first. It’s your shield and your surrender, both.
“Only if you start talking more,” you say, a half-hearted tease wrapped in something much more fragile. You flip open your timepad as the breach activates, casting soft gold light against the hallway walls.
The portal hums. Warm. Waiting.
But your heart’s a thunderclap now. Relentless. You’re already tucking away the tilt of his head, the way his gaze softened—not like surrender, but like a question. Like maybe he’d found something in you worth staying awake for.
And you know better—god, do you know better—but your feet don’t move. You hesitate. Just a second. Just enough to feel it. Then you step through.
You don’t look back. You never do.
But the image of his eyes—ice-clear, impossibly human—follows you like a ghost you didn’t mean to keep.
.
You wait for the hammer to fall.
You expect it in the usual ways—a recall order, a message from Oversight, a polite but unambiguous invitation to report to Subsector 8 for disciplinary review. You expect the breach notice, the system ping that says unauthorized designation use or noncompliant field contact, maybe even timeline contamination: agent-induced.
You expect something.
Because you said his name.
Because you looked at him like a person, not a variable. Because you touched him. Not in passing—not incidental. You chose to.
You’ve seen people get demoted for less. Scrubbed out. Timeline reassigned, memory wiped, consigned to desk duty or worse—shunted into the Void or the Nullspace, that softly brutal end-of-line where broken things go to dissolve.
And you—you—let your guard down in the middle of a convergence zone and called the Winter Soldier by his name. That’s not oversight. That’s not mission drift. That’s a lapse.
And yet… nothing happens.
Not a single alarm. No reprimand. No haunting message from Internal Realities. No pulled credentials. No veiled threats in Performance Management.
Instead, your timepad pings three days later with a new assignment.
Business as usual.
You run it back a dozen times, trying to parse the angle—waiting for the catch. It never comes. You go on a mission in Year 3830 where the only threat is a sentient vine and a mild temporal rash. You document a collapsing micro-timeline in 1994 Missouri. You sit through three mandatory debriefs and a cross-departmental cultural sensitivity training that somehow lasts six hours.
Nothing.
Just… more work.
You fall back into the rhythm, the TVA's particular brand of unremarkable eternity. The recycled coffee, the endless corridors, the clipped dialogue, the dozens of agents who all look slightly frayed around the edges in the same way. The paperwork is never-ending, the bureaucracy divine in its pettiness. Time moves strange here—like chewing on tinfoil. Sometimes it gallops. Sometimes it forgets you entirely.
But there’s something different now.
It’s you.
You keep seeing him—in flickers and echoes, half-formed thoughts you don’t realize you’re having until they hit the page. You start reviewing your field notes only to find entire paragraphs written in shorthand about the moment he tilted his head. About the way he said Will I see you again?
You shouldn’t care. You don’t care. It’s just a glitch in your focus. Just… inertia.
Still, you pull up his file. James Buchanan Barnes.
It’s a fractured thing. Not quite whole, like someone took sandpaper to the edges. Parts redacted, others duplicated. A timeline that can’t seem to decide if it wants to be linear. No two missions involving him look the same. There are strange annotations. Personal tags from long-retired analysts. Notations like non-repeatable trauma pattern and event recursion index unstable.
Some entries are missing dates.
You read through anyway. Not for duty. Not even for curiosity, really.
You just want to.
And then, one standard TVA cycle later, it lands. Another assignment. This time the seal is embossed in gold—Causal Preservation Division. Low-risk, softpoint reinforcement. Routine.
You flick through the details:
CASE FILE: #456-TH9 MISSION CLASS: Softpoint Reinforcement LOCATION: British Isles, Kingdom of Latveria Borderlands DATE: JUNE 1602 ASSIGNED COVER: Itinerant Herbalist, non-native, licensed under local superstition codes SUMMARY: Objective is limited to passive timeline stabilization: ensure delivery of a restorative tonic to a six-year-old child suffering from swamp fever. This act preserves a familial survival event critical to a downstream medical lineage. Mission does not intersect with major temporal figures. You are not to interfere with core narrative threads. You are not here for Bucky Barnes.
(But the file doesn't say that last sentence. You just write it down anyway.)
You frown at the file. It feels… small. Intentionally. A clean mission. An easy one, all things expected. No soldiers, no storms. Just a timeline that needs a nudge.
Still, you hesitate.
Not because it’s dangerous. Because it’s not. And because part of you wonders—quiet, insistent—if he’ll be there again. Not as the Winter Soldier. Maybe as something else. Someone else.
The TVA says every mission is randomized.
But it never quite feels like that, does it?
EARTH-456 | BRITISH ISLES, 1602
The first thing you register is the smell. Damp earth. Horse sweat. Pine sap and someone nearby frying something questionably birdlike in lard.
Your boots sink into wet loam as the time door closes behind you with a dull sigh. It’s quiet here, beneath the canopy—just birdsong and the faint crackle of something cooking over a badly constructed fire pit.
You scan the clearing.
They call it a "camp," but it’s more aspirational than functional. A few makeshift tents, some scattered crates stamped with the royal crest—recently liberated, if the smashed locks and missing inventory are any clue.
You move quietly, cloaked in the nondescript garb of a traveling herbalist—dirt under your nails, satchel full of fake tinctures, a few well-placed knives.
You watch from the shade of the trees as he crouches beside the firepit, running a cloth along the edge of a short dagger. His hair’s tied back, rough and practical. There’s mud up to his knees and blood on his knuckles, dried like old guilt.
He doesn’t see you, not yet.
Later, after setting up a modest stall in the village square (all intentional smoke and drying herbs, designed to blend in more than stand out), you’re told by a fellow field agent to visit the pub.
“The mead’s surprisingly tolerable,” they say, nudging your satchel. “Also, your contact’s not due for another twelve hours, so don’t just sit there and brood. Blend in.”
You go.
The pub is suspended in a towering yew, three stories up a gnarled trunk, accessible only by a ladder that looks like it hates everyone who uses it. The structure groans in the wind but holds, its branches creaking like tired bones. The inside smells of firewood, old ale, and something herbal—probably the same bitterroot tincture you’ve been pretending to peddle all day.
The mead is surprisingly tolerable. You settle into a booth carved into the wall, lit by low-burning lanterns. It’s warm. Quiet. You sip and let yourself feel anonymous.
Right up until the door slams open in that unmistakably theatrical way only someone with a chip on their shoulder and too much presence can manage.
You look up—and still, somehow, you’re not ready.
He’s changed, of course. That’s the constant.
His hair is pulled back in a low tie, streaked with ash and caught with a bit of red cloth. He wears a leather cloak patched with scavenged velvet. The left arm, impossibly, is still metal—but shaped like something out of myth. Not sleek. Not sterile. Forged. Etched in old runes that flicker faintly in the lantern light.
A blacksmith’s nightmare. A knight's inheritance.
And then there’s the way he moves—like someone used to silence, used to watching the world from its edge and only stepping in when absolutely necessary. He doesn’t walk so much as arrive, and the moment he does, the tavern seems smaller. Quieter.
His eyes—those same pale, searching eyes—find yours almost immediately.
He pauses, mid-step. The look on his face isn’t surprise. It’s that ache of recognition, buried too deep to name. Like catching your reflection in a mirror that doesn’t quite match.
He walks toward you without invitation. Controlled. Coiled. Not hostile. Just inevitable.
“My lady, you shouldn’t be out this late,” he says, voice worn at the edges, smoke-scoured and rough from a life that’s clearly involved too many cold nights and too few comforts. “Not alone.”
You take a slow sip, meet his gaze. “It’s always late here. And rarely alone.”
He studies you. Not just your face, but your posture, your stillness. The way you speak like you’ve been somewhere else too long to fully belong here.
Something flickers in his expression. Not memory. But something adjacent.
He lowers himself into the seat across from you without asking. He’s still damp at the collar—rain, or sweat, or both. He’s got a scar running from his jaw to the hollow of his throat, clean and straight like a blade meant to silence. But his voice doesn’t shake.
“Have we met?”
You offer a small, unreadable smile. “I don’t believe so.”
But he keeps looking. You can feel him doing it—mapping the angles of your face against some invisible sketch, something etched into his bones that refuses to fade.
“You look lost.”
“Just passing through.”
His mouth pulls tight at the corner, like that answer doesn’t satisfy. You can tell he doesn’t believe you—but he doesn’t press.
He nods toward a table in the back, where a small crew drinks from shared mugs and watches the door. They wear scraps of stolen uniforms and carry themselves with the weight of people who’ve stopped pretending they’ll live long lives.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he says again.
You glance at them. “Neither should you.”
His silence is telling. It confirms what you already guessed.
He’s part of something. A resistance, sure, but not just that. He’s the center of it. The calm in the chaos. The one who moves supply through enemy lines and burns bridges behind him. His coat bears a crest he’s tried to remove—once royal, now repurposed. His fingers twitch when he’s still too long, and there’s something reverent in how the others look at him when they think he’s not paying attention.
This version of him is no less dangerous. But more visible, somehow. More known. To these people, he’s a savior. To himself, probably a liability.
Always the same story: a man pressed into myth by the weight of his own regrets.
And still, he looks at you with that same protective wariness. Like something in him knows you don’t quite belong here—and wants to guard you anyway.
“Come on,” he says quietly. “I’ll walk you home.”
The words strike you harder than they should. Like something remembered from a dream that felt real long after you woke.
The night outside is so still you can hear the wind whispering between the boughs.
He pauses under the lantern hanging from a bent branch. Looks at you, shadow-draped and silent.
“Why are you here?”
You should lie. You want to lie.
But instead, you say it softly. “Because I said I would be.”
He blinks. The words hit something deep. Maybe he doesn’t understand them. But he feels them.
You step closer. Just close enough to reach up, cup his jaw gently, feel the sharp edge of his breath catch in his throat. And then you kiss him.
The moment your lips touch his, the rest of the world blanks. Not gone—just irrelevant. The pub, the low burn of lanterns, the sound of rain tapping against the wooden slats—it all slips away. All that remains is this.
His mouth is warm, unexpectedly so, and still. Cautious. As if he’s holding still for a test he doesn’t know the answer to.
You’re the one who moves first. Just slightly. Just enough to let it mean something.
And gods—it does.
It means everything you haven’t said aloud. Every hour you spent since Siberia rewatching that moment when he looked at you like he knew you. Every line of his file you traced with your eyes long after you were supposed to close it. Every anomaly he left in his wake, the hollow prints he pressed into timelines like fingerprints you couldn’t scrub clean.
You’d told yourself it was curiosity. Professional interest. A harmless fixation. Just trying to cover your own ass in the event that the TVA catches up to you, foolish, foolish girl. But now you know better.
Because kissing him feels like gravity finally catching up to you.
He doesn’t pull away.
His hand twitches—just once—like he might lift it, might anchor you there with the metal one, or with the other, the one that remembers touch. But he doesn’t. He just breathes against your mouth like he doesn’t know what he’s doing. Like no one’s kissed him like this in years.
Like no one’s ever kissed him like they remembered him.
The kiss is brief. You make yourself pull back before it deepens, before it turns into something hungrier, something you won’t be able to file away as incidental.
But you linger close.
He sends you off with a kiss to your forehead.
You complete the mission in silence.
The child is easy to find—just as the file described. Freckled nose, limp in his mother’s arms, fever-bright. You hand over the tonic with a reassuring word and a warm enough smile to pass for human. The woman weeps when the boy stirs minutes later, the color already returning to his cheeks.
And just like that—it’s done.
Softpoint reinforced. Future intact.
The door opens in a grove just outside the village, where moss curls over tree roots like sleeping hands. Golden light hums at the edges of the breach. You don’t look back. You’ve learned your lesson there.
But as you step through, the last thing you hear—carried faintly on the wind—is his voice.
“I never got your name,” he says into a room that’s not as empty as he thinks it is. Not yet.
.
You try to stay detached. Try to mark each version of him like a data point—distinct and catalogued, filed neatly beneath coordinates and context. But it never works. The lines blur.
There’s the one with the scar over his brow and the wild dog stare, who watches your hands like they’re a threat and touches you like they’re a prayer.
The one in 2049 who doesn’t speak until the third encounter but holds out his hand like he’s known you forever. The one who plays cello in a city that shouldn't exist, who smiles only for children and flinches at thunder. The one who dies before you can reach him. You stay by his body anyway, until the timeline resets.
Each time, it’s different.
Each time, it’s him.
You start to think: maybe he’s not a variable. Maybe he’s the constant. The fixed point the multiverse can’t help but echo. A gravitational pull in human form—tethered to something your soul must have signed onto long before the TVA ever handed you a timepad.
You wonder if the multiverse is trying to teach you something. Or if it’s punishing you instead—showing you every version of the thing you can’t quite keep. Like a lesson in longing, rerun on loop.
You try not to hope. But the hope comes anyway. It always does. Soft and bright, a bruise you press on just to feel.
Then you get your next assignment.
The file is clean. Neat. Sanitized in that way TVA summaries always are—euphemisms in place of grief, percentages instead of people. But you read between the lines. The divergence happened on the train. Or rather, didn’t.
You read it twice. Three times. It doesn’t change.
This Bucky Barnes didn’t fall. The train held. The mission succeeded. Captain Carter rescued him and helped dismantle the remains of Hydra’s European cell before the war even ended. He was never captured. Never reprogrammed. Never dragged through a Hydra chamber like something to be melted down and reforged.
You try to imagine him without the weight.
You picture Bucky Barnes smiling easily, untethered to the guilt of fifty years of carnage he never chose. A man who still cracks his knuckles but not because they ache with remembered pain. One who walks into sunlight without flinching.
You wonder what that would be like.
So you go.
Of course you go.
You always do.
EARTH-838 | LONDON, 1944
You’ve never liked the long assignments.
Short ones are surgical—get in, disrupt or observe, slip out before the timeline notices the echo of your footsteps. This one, though, is different. Your mission folder is three times thicker than usual. Paper-clipped pages in brittle brown envelopes. Dossiers printed on carbon-smudged letterhead. Photographs tucked inside, blurred by time and memory.
You’re embedded with the 107th, slotted in as a specialist from Intelligence, the kind who shows up with forged credentials and a quiet knack for being in the right place just before things go wrong. Your cover holds. Mostly. They think you’re here to coordinate logistics for Hydra base strikes. They’re not entirely wrong.
The first time you see him again, he’s making a sarcastic remark about British rations and butterless toast. He’s not in uniform—just a pressed shirt with rolled sleeves and a cigarette dangling loosely between two fingers, a smear of grease on his wrist. He laughs when Howard Stark tosses a wrench and almost breaks a window.
It’s different sound from what you've heard over the years.
But then Bucky Barnes notices you.
Not all at once. Not like in the stories people tell themselves after the fact—love at first glance, magnetic fate, sparks across a battlefield. No, it starts in pieces. A glance held a beat too long during mission briefings. A muttered thank you when you slip him a replacement knife requisition that definitely wasn’t cleared. The way he starts lingering near your tent in the evenings, offering lazy conversation while the others clean weapons or sleep.
“You always write that fast?” he asks once, elbow braced on the flap of the entrance like it’s casual, like he didn’t cross half the camp just to talk to you.
You don’t look up. “Only when I’m trying to drown out poorly played harmonica.”
He grins. “Hey, Dugan’s doing his best.”
You snort. “His best sounds like a wounded mule.”
He laughs again, quieter this time. You feel it settle between your ribs like a warm coin. It’s nothing. Just noise. You tell yourself that.
Weeks pass like that. Quiet orbit. You take longer walks to the mess hall because he always times his exit to meet you halfway. He asks questions—about where you're from (a place you name off a pre-approved list), what brought you to London (the war, obviously), if you believe in fate.
You lie when you can. You dodge when you must.
But not everything you say is false. You like coffee too bitter and books too sad. You write letters you never send. You don’t sleep well. You’ve lost people.
He listens. He remembers. He starts showing up with extra coffee. Offers to walk you back to your quarters even though it’s technically against regulations. You start lingering in his doorway.
He never pushes.
And you hate it—how much you want him to.
The first time he touches you, it's an accident. Your fingers brush as he passes you a pen. Your skin sparks. It’s stupid, how much you feel it.
He notices.
"You ever get that sense," he says one night in the empty mess, voices low, "that you’ve known someone longer than you’re supposed to?"
Your breath catches.
You laugh it off. "I get that about my dentist."
He grins. But his eyes stay on yours too long.
You’re not supposed to fall in this one.
But God, it’s so easy. So familiar.
Bucky tells you about his family. His sister. The stoop of his childhood apartment and how he used to sneak Steve a flask when the nurses weren’t looking. He draws out your laugh like it’s a map, like he's been trying to find it for years.
And all the while, you feel it coming.
One night, two months in, he walks you back and you don’t stop at your door. You let the silence linger. The city is dark and rain-slicked, war planes humming overhead like ghosts.
"You’re not like anyone I’ve met before," he says, leaning against the wall.
You smile sadly. "You’ve said that to a lot of girls, Sergeant."
"Yeah," he murmurs, voice suddenly quieter. "But none of them felt like déjà vu."
You almost kiss him. But not yet.
The war ends not with silence, but with song.
London spills into the streets like a wound unstitched—men and women dancing in front of blown-out buildings, children painting flags onto brick walls, sailors kissing strangers with the urgency of borrowed time. The city doesn’t sleep. Neither do you.
You’ve stayed longer than planned.
Your official timeline expired a couple of hours ago. But your timepad’s been blinking quietly in your coat pocket since sundown, like a secret you’re not quite ready to confess. For long-term infiltrations, the TVA grants a small window of flexibility—two to three extra hours, soft margin. Enough to wrap up loose ends. Enough to say goodbye without saying it.
Bucky doesn’t know. He’s too busy laughing—really laughing—face lit by the amber glow of the pub sign behind him, arm draped lazily around your shoulders. He’s had two pints and a victory cigar, and you’ve never seen him look so alive.
He’s in his shirtsleeves again, collar open at the throat, hair mussed from the wind. He smells like tobacco and soap and something citrusy he must’ve stolen from Stark’s ration stash. His hand grazes your shoulder as you step outside the crowded pub and into the cool night air. He’s warm, even in the London chill. Always warm.
“I’ve been thinking,” he says, suddenly serious, voice low in your ear.
You turn, startled by the shift. “About?”
He runs a hand through his hair, eyes flicking to the cobblestone street, then back to you. The revelers blur behind you—drunk joy and blurred music, a world gone soft at the edges.
“You could come with me,” he says. "To New York. Brooklyn."
Your stomach drops.
“We’ve got peace now. There’s gonna be rebuilding. A hell of a lot of it. I know it’s chaos but… I don’t know. I thought maybe…” He trails off, then forces a laugh, too bright. “Forget it. It’s dumb.”
You step in close. The timepad at your hip vibrates again—EXIT NODE ACTIVE. TEMPORAL STABILITY REACHED. RETURN IMMEDIATELY. You ignore it.
“Say it,” you whisper.
“I’ll get a job,” Bucky says.
His Brooklyn accent is thick with hope, slipping out between the cracks like sunlight through boarded windows. His voice is rough and low, but urgent—like if he stops speaking for even a second, this moment might collapse under the weight of everything it’s not allowed to be.
“You’re so… so fucking smart it gets me dizzy sometimes. I watch you in a room and—Christ, I’ve seen tacticians, I’ve seen war heroes—but no one moves the way you do.”
He’s closer now, just a breath away, like proximity might be enough to anchor you to this place.
“I’ll get us a place of our own. A tiny walk-up with drafty windows and floors that creak every time you step wrong. The kind of place where no one knows our names, but we’ll learn the neighbors’. I’ll fix the heater when it breaks. I’ll learn to make your coffee the way you like it—two sugars, not too sweet, extra hot. I’ll write it down if I have to. You won’t even have to ask.”
He swallows, his voice breaking just a little.
“I’ll make pancakes on Sundays, even if I suck at it. I’ll burn the first batch every damn week and pretend I meant to. We’ll fight about the dishes and who left the radio on. I’ll learn to fold the sheets the right way, your way. I’ll leave notes on the fridge. I’ll rub your feet when you’ve had a long day, even if you pretend you don’t want me to.”
His eyes are wet now, but he doesn’t blink them away. He wants you to see.
“I’ll build a life where you can rest,” he says, so softly it barely carries over the celebration in the street. “No secrets. No war. Just mornings and bad coffee and a bed we don’t have to leave unless we want to.”
His hand lifts, hovering like he wants to touch you but doesn’t dare. He’s unraveling. And he’s never been more sure of anything.
“You walk around like you don’t belong to anyone,” he whispers. “But you belong somewhere. You belong with someone who sees you.”
His eyes search yours, bright and raw.
“Darling,” he breathes, “I just want—”
You don’t speak. You want to. You want to say yes so badly your teeth ache with it.
Instead, your hand reaches for him—cups his cheek, thumb brushing the scrape of stubble there. You lean in before you can stop yourself.
The kiss is molten.
Not soft, not chaste. It’s everything you aren’t supposed to want: greedy, aching, desperate. It tastes like smoke and honey and war’s aftermath. You can feel the imprint of his hands at your waist, grounding you, like he already knows you’re slipping.
You gasp against his mouth when he deepens the kiss, his hand moving to cradle the back of your neck like he’s afraid you’ll vanish if he lets go. And you—you clutch at his coat, fingers fisting in the fabric like it’s the only solid thing left in the world. The city roars around you—drunken songs, laughter, heels on cobblestone—but none of it touches this moment. It belongs to you. To him.
He kisses like he’s starved for something he can’t name.
Like every version of himself has been waiting for this.
Somehow, you make it back to his quarters—barely remembering how. The door slams shut behind you and he’s on you again, mouth warm and insistent, hands trembling now as they trace your jaw, your hips, the shape of your spine like he’s mapping it to memory. You let him. You want to be remembered.
“Tell me this is real,” he murmurs against your throat, breath hot. “Tell me I’m not dreaming you.”
You tip your forehead against his, eyes fluttering closed. “You’re not dreaming.”
You pull his shirt free from his waistband, palms skimming over bare skin, warm and ridged with scars you recognize from dossiers—scars you’ve imagined tracing with your mouth, with your hands, in every universe that told you not to.
Bucky's mouth finds the edge of your jaw, your collarbone, the hollow of your throat. Each kiss feels like a confession, like an apology, like a promise. "You're so fucking pretty," he moans into your skin, moving and moving and moving, until you feel his thigh part yours, giving you just the right amount of friction to drive you crazy.
Your shirt's off in turn, and all at once, he drifts down to your tits, cupping them with both palms and burying his face in them. For a moment, your brain short-circuits—he's groaning, tender kisses against your nipples and sucking, nipping at the swell of your breasts. "You taste so good, darling. God, I can taste you all day."
You pull on his hair—hard. "Bucky, please. Give me more."
"Ask and you shall receive."
You're rewarded with a beautiful view of him shedding the rest of his clothes off. You can't—won't—look away. It never ceases to amaze you, how pretty his cock is. You lick your lips as he gives it a stroke, slow and soft and positively ready for you.
Then Bucky leans forward, capturing your lips again with a certainty that makes your heart near burst out of your chest.
Your hand wraps around the base of his cock and you smile when he wrenches his head back, eyes shut in almost agony. Bucking against your hand, like he can't get enough of it. He says your name, and despite yourself, you grin before pulling yourself away from his kiss to lower your head, tongue swiping out to taste what leaks from him at the tip.
"Oh, god," His hands come to twist around your hair, the pull making your eyes water with something delicious, something filled with need. You keep going deeper, until he hits the back of your throat and you both moan. "You're so good to me. So, so good."
He's babbling now, as your lips stay wrapped around your cock and you're pressing the flat of your tongue against his veins, a hand stabilizing you underneath. "Sweetheart, you're perfect. I'm going to—oh, yes, right there—god, I'm gonna marry you. We're never gonna stop doing this. I'm never gonna get enough of you."
You take him there, all the way up, until he's almost to the edge and he has to ground his hands against your cheeks and pull you off. He looks down at you with that goddamned earnest look that makes you fall in love with him in the first place. "Not—not like this. I want to be inside you."
Of course, of course. "Of course, James."
He pushes you onto your back, and you can't help the giddy feeling in your chest, seeing how much of a mess you've made of him. His cock's shining with your spit and saliva, your wetness all over him. When Bucky sees where you're looking, he licks his lips. A preliminary swipe against your folds when you, very intentionally, thrust forward against his hips impatiently.
"So eager."
You glare at him, lips curling even as he takes both of your thighs until he's slotted between them. "There's no need to be a tease—Oh."
He sinks in, inch by agonizing inch, and you're moaning, jaw dropping as his cock disappears inside of you. You're so full. You've never been this full before and it makes you pant, sighing breathlessly, and when his thumb finds your clit, you whine and clench around him. Both of you moan in harmony.
His pace speeds up from there, hard and fast, and it's intensified by the way he looks at you. Eyes dissecting you carefully, trying to remember every expression, every second, every move that makes you keen further into his touch.
"Look at me, baby, please," Bucky growls and you do. "Look at me when you make me come."
You can't look away, feeling the stars gather up behind your eyes as your own orgasm catches up to you—fuck, it's nothing compared to how his release feels inside of you, the warmth, the way he feels so strong under your fingertips. His chest vibrating, mouth falling open in a prolonged, beautiful groan. He pushes himself deeper inside of you, until you feel his release slipping out of you onto the mattress.
You press a kiss to his forehead and let yourself fall asleep like that—him inside of you, tangled up in him.
The light is different when you wake up in the morning.
Soft, pale, almost shy. It seeps through the parted curtains like it doesn’t want to intrude, spilling over the uneven floorboards and up the rumpled edge of the blanket half-draped across your hip.
His arm is still around you. Heavy in sleep. Warm. Bucky Barnes is still asleep.
You don’t kiss him goodbye.
Instead, you whisper something he won’t hear. “I wish we had more time.”
And then you activate the timepad.
.
Time passes strangely in the TVA.
There are clocks, yes. Digital ones on walls, analog ones in desks, internal ones ticking behind your eyes. But none of them matter. Days don’t pile up here—they just... repeat, under different names. Tuesday is a fiction. Sunday doesn’t exist. Lunch breaks happen when the lights flicker just right, and sleep is what you do when your body gives out mid-report.
You stopped counting after the first month. You stopped pretending to count after the second.
Instead, you worked.
Harder than anyone. Longer than anyone. You took missions no one else wanted—scrubbing nexus events off apocalyptic wastelands, ghosting through centuries where empires rose and fell before you’d even finished breakfast. You volunteered for side branches, anomaly audits, recursive sync loops. Anything to keep moving.
It didn’t go unnoticed.
A plaque went up in the Hall of Merit. "Agent of the Month." Your name, etched in fake gold. Mobius clapped you on the shoulder with a proud little smile. Brad brought you the worst celebratory cupcake you’ve ever tasted. (Vanilla. Dry. Sprinkles like gravel.)
You smiled. You always smile.
You don’t let yourself say what you’re really thinking.
That all of it—all the assignments, all the accolades, all the long nights pinning divergent strands back into place—is just inertia. Just mass multiplied by pain. Because you know what happens when you stop moving.
And you’ve tried. God, you’ve tried.
You dodge his branches when you can. You pass them off to junior agents, citing temporal redundancy. You tell yourself it’s not cowardice if it’s protocol. You let yourself believe it, for a while.
Until the file lands on your desk.
CASE FILE: #2149-BE0 MISSION CLASS: Collapse Softpoint Reinforcement LOCATION: Earth-2149 — Brooklyn, United States / Geneva, Switzerland DATE: April 2018 (Post-Outbreak +1 Day) ASSIGNED COVER: Civilian logistics runner, no official alignment, false survivor credentials SUMMARY: Objective is to reinforce critical softpoint during global collapse event: ensure Scott Lang, Peter Parker, and T’Challa successfully board Wakandan quinjet. This evacuation preserves three downstream nexus threads essential to limited multiversal salvage. Do not interfere beyond softpoint parameters. Infected superhumans active.
You stare at it for a long time. You could say no. You should say no.
But your hand moves anyway. Signs the form. Accepts the mission.
No backup. No reassignment.
Just you.
EARTH-2149 | BROOKLYN, 2018 (+1 DAY POST-OUTBREAK)
Out of all the missions you've had so far, you think you hate this one the most. Which is saying something. Zombie apocalypse timelines are the worst.
The air reeks of ash and ozone. You’re used to strange skies by now, but this one feels wrong in your bones. The light doesn’t fall the way it should—too sharp at the edges, like the sun’s been split into shards and you’re walking through the aftermath.
You arrived forty hours ago. Standard infiltration and alignment. The assignment brief was brutal in its simplicity.
Bucky doesn’t make it out of this timeline. He dies at Camp Lehigh. He buys them time.
And you’re supposed to let that happen.
Your first glimpse of him isn’t cinematic. No slow reveal, no stirring strings. Just a sliver of profile through the cracked door of an old deli, combat boots pacing, rifle slung over his back, the metal arm glinting dull and scratched. He’s talking to Parker—low and firm, the kind of voice meant to ground someone younger, more fragile.
When you step into the light, he turns toward you like he was already waiting. Eyes blue, shadowed. Jaw set. And there it is again—that look. Recognition.
Your breath stutters. You don’t say anything. You just nod, like you’ve been here all along. Like you’re meant to be here.
You don’t know if you can watch him die.
Not when you’ve held versions of him in your arms, heard him laugh half-asleep beside a campfire, watched his hands shake after battle and pretended not to notice.
Peter introduces you. A name you chose at random from a TVA list. He doesn’t flinch when Bucky says it aloud. But something shifts behind his eyes—quiet and soft and gone before it settles.
You get through the introductions. Kurt, smiling nervously. Sharon, bloody but unbowed. Okoye nods once at you, sharp and appraising. Happy makes a joke that doesn’t quite land.
For the next two weeks, you stay with them.
You don't mean to get close to Bucky in this one. (You mean it this time. Seriously.) For the first couple of days, you try your best to stay away. You do your best to focus on the mission and he's… he's just another person in the crowd. You think that would make it easier, when he—when he eventually—You can't even say it.
But it happens one morning, anyway—fog pooling low across the park, the air thick with that awful, metallic smell of rot. You’re both on perimeter watch, standing on opposite ends of a shattered greenhouse. He catches you glancing toward the skyline, what’s left of it, jagged teeth against the pale pink sky.
“Pretty, isn’t it?” he says, voice low, scratchy from disuse.
You blink from your thoughts. “In a doomed, post-apocalyptic sort of way.”
He huffs a laugh. Almost smiles. “I was gonna say the same.”
Silence settles between you, but it’s a companionable thing. Not awkward. Not forced.
You speak first this time. “You always this poetic?”
“Only when I’m tired. Or scared.”
You glance at him. “Which is it now?”
He doesn’t answer right away. Just shifts his weight, runs a hand through his hair, and says, “Both.”
You don’t touch. You don’t need to. It’s all there in the space between you—heavy with implication. Unspoken, but not unfelt.
You sleep on opposite ends of the same room. He never touches you. Never asks. But some nights you wake up to find his jacket draped over your legs. Once, during a particularly bad storm, he nudged a cracked thermos of lukewarm coffee toward you without a word.
He doesn’t have to say anything. You feel it.
All of it.
And the worst part—the most unbearable—is knowing it’s temporary. You feel the convergence approaching like a bruise beneath your ribs. Two days now, maybe three, before you lose him again. Before he dies. Before you vanish back into the timeline like a ghost leaving no fingerprints.
You try not to show it. You smile when Peter cracks a joke. You run drills with Sharon. You help Kurt fix a busted radio, even though it’s hopeless.
But every time you look at Bucky, your heart tightens in your chest like it’s trying to keep him there.
And then it's here.
The journey to Camp Lehigh was fucking gut-wrenching.
You've lost practically everyone—Sharon, Hope, Kurt, Happy, Okoye. It sits in you like a shard of ice. Not grief—there’s no time for grief. Just weight. Just the bitter gravity of survival. The quinjet is prepped and waiting. The remaining survivors—Peter, T’Challa, Lang’s floating head in a jar—are already climbing aboard. You’ve done everything the mission brief demanded. You met the moment. You held the line.
You’ve done everything the mission brief said—down to the minute, the location, the final headcount. And you… you’re standing beside Bucky.
And still, you’re standing beside him.
Bucky’s chest rises and falls with the kind of steadiness that makes you ache. His metal arm glints in the firelight, streaked with ash and blood, fingers twitching in a rhythm you can’t decipher. There’s soot on his cheek, a rip in his sleeve, and when he turns to you, there’s something too clear in his eyes. Not fear. Not even pain.
Resolve.
You taste it in the back of your throat: the copper of a timeline ending.
“We have to go,” you say softly, not to him, not really. Just to the air.
Bucky doesn’t move.
He turns his head slightly, enough for you to see the hard line of his jaw. The wear around his eyes. There’s something about this version of him—familiar, but not calloused like the others. Still earnest enough to believe in sacrifice. Still sharp enough to choose it without flinching.
You hate that.
“I’ll hold her off,” he says, and you feel something break, neat and irreversible, in your chest.
“No,” you breathe. Too fast, too raw.
His brow furrows. “Someone has to. You said it yourself—if we don’t get the jet off the ground, we lose everything.”
“That doesn’t mean it has to be you.”
He smiles, and it’s that same damn smile that’s followed you across time. The one that says it’s already decided.
“I think it always was.”
You want to scream. You want to tell him he’s not disposable, not fated, not just a name on some cosmic itinerary that keeps getting torn out and rewritten. You want to confess that you’ve met him over and over, and every time he’s left a bruise somewhere deeper.
But the timepad at your hip begins to beep.
MISSION END: T-MINUS 2 MINUTES
You ignore it.
“You’ll make it,” he says gently, like a goodbye.
“No, I won’t,” you whisper. “Not really.”
There’s shouting near the quinjet ramp. Peter calling your name. Bruce waving you over. The others are loading in. You should be there. The moment is closing. The window is narrowing.
You don’t move.
Instead, you step forward and press your hand to his cheek. Your skin is cold from the wind, but he leans into it anyway. His eyes flutter closed for half a second—just long enough for you to memorize it.
Then you kiss him.
It’s not gentle. It’s desperate. Greedy. A kiss that says remember me. Your hands fist in his jacket. His mouth moves against yours like it’s something he’s missed without knowing. You drink in every inch of him—the scrape of stubble, the roughness of his palms against your back, the low sound he makes when you pull away.
“I’ll find you again,” you say. It's a promise.
He nods once. His hand lingers at your waist for a breath longer than it should. Then he turns back towards Wanda.
You watch him go. You always watch him go.
The quinjet door hisses shut behind you. The engines roar to life. The pad at your side flashes, like some sick, fucking joke—
Mission Successful. Extraction in Progress.
You don’t look back at the ground. You’ve learned that much, at least. Looking back doesn’t stop the bleeding. But when the jet lifts, when the trees blur below and you can’t see him anymore—
You swear something rips loose in you.
And this time, you don’t think it will grow back.
.
You’ve seen him in snow.
In bloodied ice, in rusted Soviet hulls, in the shadow of burning quinjets and crumbling castles. You’ve seen him with death behind his eyes and guilt threaded into every line of his face. You’ve seen him careful, methodical. Kind in all the ways no one notices—quiet in a world that demands noise. Someone who doesn’t ask for gentleness, but gives it anyway.
And now you’ve seen him in the dark, too. In 1602, under soot-smudged moons and flickering gaslights, a knife twirling between clever fingers. He hadn’t known you—not really. Not as the woman who’d held his gaze in a cryo chamber. Not as the silhouette slipping into the quinjet before he turned to face the Scarlet Witch. But he’d looked at you like he wanted to.
The thread stays taut between you, no matter the timeline.
So when you get the assignment to go—
It doesn’t land with ceremony. No formal debrief. Just a flicker on your desk monitor, a soft chime that cuts through the static hum of the TVA’s perpetual fluorescent haze. You almost miss it. You almost ignore it. Because everything still hurts.
The kind of hurt that doesn't pulse—it seeps. It rots. You move like you’re wearing someone else’s body, like your own bones are too loud. You haven’t been sleeping—not really.
You open the file with a numb hand. Just procedure, you tell yourself. Just another timeline. Until you see the numbers.
CASE FILE: #616-SV1 MISSION CLASS: Passive Observation LOCATION: Bucharest, Romania DATE: March 2016 ASSIGNED COVER: Independent tenant, upper flat SUMMARY: Subject Barnes, James B., presumed alive and in civilian hiding following HYDRA data exposure and the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D. Timeline approaching critical inflection. Target is not actively breaching; no temporal instability present. Assignment is preventative: monitor for signs of deviation or catalyst behavior.
Do not engage. No interference unless softpoint destabilization occurs.
You let out a sound that might be a laugh. Or a sob. It’s hard to tell.
There’s a reason TVA protocol avoids revisiting timelines. Too risky. Too messy. History isn’t built for recursion. But this—this is a spiral. A closed loop. Like something unfinished trying to write its own end.
And now you’ve been assigned to watch him again.
After all this time. After what you felt splinter through you like glass.
You should tell someone. Flag the conflict of interest. Recuse yourself.
You don’t.
You close the file and begin packing for Bucharest.
EARTH-616 | BUCHAREST, 2016
You land in Bucharest in the dead quiet of early morning, the sky still purpled with sleep.
The city feels brittle—like something trying very hard not to splinter. Your cover’s thin again: traveling contractor, repair work, nothing that draws attention. You rent a room across from a narrow building with stained windows and a faulty streetlamp that flickers at 2 a.m. every night like clockwork.
And you wait.
The first time you see him again, he’s carrying plums.
You’re leaning on a railing, nursing coffee that’s more soot than bean, watching the street in that not-watching way you’ve perfected over decades. And there he is. Gray hoodie, boots worn to the stitching, a canvas bag slung across one shoulder.
He walks like someone trying to be smaller. Eyes down. Shoulders rounded. Every muscle still taut beneath the fabric, but pulled inward. Controlled.
You almost don’t recognize him like this. Then he glances up. Brief. Casual.
But it slams into you anyway.
Because there it is—that flicker. That impossible, unplaceable pull. Like gravity, but sideways. Like someone whispering your name in a language you forgot how to speak.
He doesn’t stop. Doesn’t linger. But you feel it. That taut little wire between your ribs goes taut again, humming faint and low.
You’ve seen him across centuries, across madness and ruins and impossible skies. And now, here he is, just... buying fruit.
You observe him for seven days. No contact. No breach.
Each morning, he walks the same path. Plums one day. Bread the next. He pauses at the corner every time—checks the shadows, the mirrors. Still sharp. Still trained. But dulled at the edges like he’s trying not to be. Like he’s tired of being a weapon, and doesn’t quite know how to be anything else.
He never takes the same route home.
You map them all anyway.
There’s a rhythm to his caution. It’s not paranoia. It’s preservation. You know the difference. You’ve watched enough shattered timelines to recognize when someone’s not trying to escape the world—just survive it.
And through it all, you pretend not to ache.
You keep the timepad dim, tucked under your coat like a second heart. The updates are clean. No deviations. No instability. He’s not a threat. Not a spark.
Just a man. Still whole, somehow. Still holding.
But you find yourself watching anyway. Not for fractures or fault lines—but for the quiet, ordinary proof that he’s still him. The way he double-checks his change at the fruit stall. The soft apology he gives a stray dog he nearly bumps with his boot. The habit of pausing in the stairwell, just long enough to listen for another pair of footsteps behind him. You memorize all of it like it’s going to disappear.
You don’t. Of course you don’t.
Until the night you lose him.
It’s raining. Thin, indecisive drops that fall more like static than water. You’re two streets behind, just enough distance to not spook him, when someone yells, and a car backfires, and you look away for a single goddamn second.
And he’s gone.
You circle three blocks. Then six. Nothing. It’s half an hour later when you feel the grip.
Quick, precise. A hand closes over your arm and pulls you sideways—into a narrow alley between buildings that still wear their war damage like it happened yesterday. The wall hits your spine. The air knocks out of you. And then he’s there.
Close. Too close.
Hood down. Eyes sharp. Rain slicking through his hair.
You don’t move. Don’t breathe.
Because he’s looking at you like he’s been waiting.
“You’ve been following me,” he says, voice low, rough. No heat in it. Just truth.
Your mouth opens. Closes.
He tilts his head, studying your face like he’s comparing it to something half-forgotten. Then he says, quiet, like a memory. “Siberia. 1955.”
The words gut you.
“I remember,” he says. “You said my name.”
His name. That night. The way he shook—like his own mind was something turning against him. The tremor in his breath. The metal arm pressed tight to his temple, like he could hold back whatever wave was cresting inside. And then your voice, just a whisper: Bucky.
And it worked.
He startled like the sound reached deeper than his programming. Like it found something still human.
You don’t mean to—but you reach up, slowly, and press your hand over his where it still grips your coat. His fingers tighten for a second. Then release.
You look at him. Really look.
The rain has soaked through everything, and he’s shivering. Not from cold. From memory. His breath ghosts in the narrow space between you, and his eyes—God, his eyes—don’t look like a stranger’s.
It looks like home.
He takes a step back and mutters, “Come on.”
You follow him through back alleys and slick cobblestone streets to a squat building with iron balconies and doors that stick. His apartment is a few flights up, small and clean in the way that feels practiced—surfaces scrubbed, not decorated. A cot, a kettle, a folded stack of shirts too neatly pressed. No photos. No noise.
He doesn’t speak at first. Just watches you watch the space, like he’s trying to guess what you’ll say.
“Not what you expected?” he asks eventually, voice rough.
You shake your head. “No. It’s exactly what I expected.”
He scoffs. Sits on the edge of the cot, elbows on knees. “How do you know me?”
And you could lie. You could stall. But you’re tired of running out of time.
But you’re tired of running out of time. Siberia. The hold. The pulse. The kiss in 1602. The quinjet, the gaslight, the plague-soaked rooftops and the boy who lived because you were there. The mission you botched. The rules you broke. The dozens of timelines where he didn’t make it. The handful where he almost did. The way it was always him. And when you finally stop—when the words have left you empty and open and raw—he doesn’t flinch.
He exhales, long and deliberate. His fingers twitch against his knee. Then he looks at you—really looks, and you can feel the moment shift.
“When I saw you again,” he says, voice quieter now, but steadier, “on the street… it wasn’t like remembering something. It was like finishing something.”
You blink. “Finishing?”
He nods, slowly. “Yeah. Like… you know when you’ve had a song stuck in your head for days? Not the lyrics—just the feeling of it. The rhythm. The echo. And then one day it comes on the radio, and your chest just—unlocks. Like something you didn’t know was broken gets put back together.”
He glances down at his hands, then back at you.
“That’s what it felt like. Seeing you.”
You stay silent, afraid to interrupt the thread he's following.
“At first I thought I was losing it,” he admits. “Some hallucination leftover from Hydra. A ghost memory I couldn’t place. But then you moved, and—Jesus—I knew it wasn’t just in my head. The way you looked at me. Like you knew me. Like you weren’t afraid of me.”
His jaw clenches, not from anger, but from something deeper. Held longer.
“I’ve seen that look before,” he says. “Fear. Disgust. Pity, sometimes. I’m used to people stepping back. Or pretending they don’t see me. But you… you didn’t flinch. Not even in the alley. You looked at me like I was—” He falters, and then tries again. “Like I was real. Like I had a name worth saying.”
Your chest aches.
He laughs, a short, unsteady breath. “God, and hearing you say it again—Bucky—like it was the first time all over. I don’t know why that hit so hard. But it did. It felt like… like I’d been underwater for years, and suddenly someone opened a window.”
You don’t say anything.
You’re still trying to breathe around the weight of him.
“I don’t remember everything,” he says. “Not clearly. Flashes, maybe. Cold metal. Smoke. That light—on your face, in that hallway. But I remember how I felt. I remember peace. For like… five seconds. It was the only thing that made sense.”
His gaze flickers to your lips, then back to your eyes.
“I think I’ve been looking for that feeling ever since.”
You don't answer—not with words. There's nothing left to say that would hold the weight this moment needs. So instead, you cross the small stretch of floor between you, slow and deliberate, and sink to your knees in front of him.
Your hand finds his, trembling with some emotion neither of you dares to name, and he lets out a sound—half-breath, half-confession—as your fingers thread together.
“Okay?” you murmur.
He nods, once. But it's not enough. His hands rise, hesitant, then hungry—one brushing the curve of your cheek, the other settling at your waist like he’s still afraid you might vanish. Like if he touches you too hard, you’ll be another dream, another phantom gone by morning.
And then he kisses you.
It starts soft, reverent—his lips just ghosting yours, like he's asking permission. But the second you respond, the second you lean in and kiss him back with everything you’ve carried through centuries of almosts, it shatters something in both of you.
He surges forward.
Kisses you again, deeper this time. More desperate.
Your back hits the wall with a muted thump, and suddenly his hands are everywhere—one splayed across your lower back, the other cradling your jaw. He kisses you like he’s starved for it, like he’s trying to map your mouth, your breath, the corners of your teeth. Like he's trying to memorize you from the inside out.
And then—God—he breaks away just enough to kiss the line of your jaw. The soft spot beneath your ear. Your temple. Your forehead.
“You’re real,” he breathes against your skin, almost like a prayer. “You’re here.”
His lips trail lower, find the bend of your knee as you hitch your leg around his waist. He presses a kiss there too, slow and aching, like it means something. Like everything means something.
You’re both breathing hard now, hands roaming, hearts pounding in rhythm too fast to be calm, too synchronized to be coincidence. He kisses your collarbone. The corner of your mouth. The space beneath your eye, where something like grief still lingers.
He's so gentle. Gentle all the way through until he manages to shove you to the bed, kissing his way down the column of your throat and then it shifts. His hands find their way inside your jeans and he gasps, shakily. "You're so wet, fuck—you're so wet. For me?"
You nod, breathless.
It's another slow dance, as he rolls your jeans off, only to quickly find his way back like he can't stand to be parted from you. His fingers find your entrance, the rough pads of them swiftly finding your entrance and spreading the heat, the wetness around, like he's playing with his meal.
Then Bucky brings his mouth, that beautiful, beautiful mouth, to your cunt to replace his fingers and you swear you may have just died. He's so—he's so passionate, devouring you with a hunger until your spine's arching off the bed, your hands tangling in his soft brown hair. He doesn't stop licking and sucking.
"Bucky, please—oh god, please, don't stop."
You get closer and closer to the edge, hips rutting against his jaw. You feel everything so, so deeply. The way his stubble leaves goosebumps in its wake, his hands digging into your thighs to keep you in place—and then, he slides a finger back inside you as he hums, satisfied with the moans he's wrenched out of you.
It's like coming home. Your orgasm's like a strike of lightning, crying out as you release, close to tears as he laps up the rest of your orgasm.
When he finally stands to start taking off his clothes, you've been reduced to nothing more than a boneless heap on his bed. Your knees are wobbling slightly, but you force yourself to get up anyway, helping him shed the rest. "I'm–here. Let me help."
Bucky smiles. Softly.
"You're so sweet. You're too good for me."
You think you lose another shred of your sanity.
The look in your eyes lights something up in him. He joins you back on the bed and you can feel him, the weight of him, and it's all so familiar. He rests heavy on your thigh and your heart feels like it's about to come out of your chest.
"Bucky, please."
His cock slips inside of you, with a gasp and a groan, and suddenly, Bucky's locking his hands with yours. "Promise me you'll stay."
It's almost overwhelming, but he keeps you grounded. There's just so much of him. There's his teeth on your neck, the burn of his stubble on your collarbones, the way he sucks off marks against your skin and looms over you, like he never wants you to leave him again. His strength is addicting, the way he pushes you so close to breaking.
He says your name again. "Promise me."
You tell yourself—you're never letting him go again. You wrap your arms around him like something fierce, kissing him as he thrusts deeply, hitting the spot that makes stars light up behind your eyes. "Bucky—fuck—I—"
Your name falls from his lips with a groan. "Sweetheart, I'm—"
"Me too," You nod, whining when his pace quickens and it—you don't mean to, but it makes you clench around him. "Let go for me. It's okay."
Bucky looks at you, his grip around your hands tightening, and suddenly, it's a rolling wave of pleasure, over and over and over until you're trembling. You can feel him, his warmth, so fucking much of it, it's addicting. He's still groaning, hips thrusting, like he's trying to carve a home out of you.
You’re not sure how long you stay like that—twined together in the stillness, forehead pressed to his, breath shared in the hush of a room that suddenly feels too charged, too fragile to last.
You don’t want to break it. But you have to.
“Bucky,” you whisper, your voice threading through the quiet like a thread pulled taut. “They’re going to try to take me away.”
His eyes snap open. “What?”
You rest your hand against his chest, feel the beat of his heart stutter beneath your palm. “The TVA. They monitor softpoint drift. I’ve pushed too many lines. Stayed too long. This—” You gesture softly between you, “—this isn’t sanctioned.”
He stares at you like he wants to argue. But he doesn’t. Because he knows you’re not wrong.
“Let them try,” he mutters, jaw tight. His hands tighten where they rest on your waist, grounding. Possessive in the way a storm anchors to the sea. “I won’t let them.”
You smile—sad, crooked, fond. “You might not get a choice. But I will. I always find a way back.”
He swallows hard. “You promise?”
You nod. Press your lips to his again—gentle this time, slow and deliberate, like sealing a vow with your breath. Then you whisper against his mouth:
“I’ll come back. I always come back.”
His eyes close for half a second. And when they open again, they’re full of something wild. Unspoken. Undeniable.
“Next time,” you say, voice shaking with certainty, “next time I’ll stay.”
THE NULL SECTOR | TVA DETENTION LOOP C-9
You broke protocol.
Not for the mission. Not for the stabilization of a softpoint. For him. For a man with a haunted gaze and a heartbeat you should never have memorized.
And the TVA caught up to you.
They always do.
They didn’t drag you out of the field. There was no team of Minutemen, no sirens or threat display. Just a pulse through your timepad, a freeze-frame of motion—and then static. You never even got to say goodbye. Just watched as his apartment in Bucharest faded from view. The world around you disassembled. You didn’t fall through time; it collapsed around you.
And then: nothing.
But nothing wasn’t quiet.
Nothing was the absence of coordinates. A place with no variance, no measurement, no entropy. A sealed chamber of cognitive suspension—standard punishment for agents who breach emotional integrity clauses.
They called it “nullspace” in the manual. But that word doesn’t tell the whole story.
Sometimes you remembered his voice. Sometimes you forgot your own. Time didn’t move here. Not in any way that mattered. You floated in it—bodiless, unraveling, stitched together by a thousand what-ifs that all ended in silence. At first, you tried to count days. Then heartbeats. Then regrets.
You stopped when you couldn’t tell which were yours and which belonged to the lives you’d watched but never lived.
You thought of his hand on your back. His voice rasping low when he asked you to stay. The way his eyes crinkled when he smiled—not every Bucky, but that Bucky. The one who knew without knowing. The one who held out hope like it was a knife and an offering both.
Maybe they’d left you there forever.
But something changed.
When the light shifts again, it’s not like waking.
It’s like surfacing—like clawing your way out of a dream that was also a coffin. You blink against it, vision blurred and lungs tight with the phantom taste of ozone.
The TVA fell, you realize. Or maybe it evolved. The pruning stopped. The sacred timeline shattered. The multiverse stretched open like a wound and you—like so many others—were set loose without fanfare.
Just a blinking cursor on a timepad.
You’re on a bench. Clean metal. White walls. No restraints. Just a single timepad laid neatly on the seat beside you, like it’s been waiting.
You reach for it cautiously. No alerts. No directives. No timeline embedded. The screen flashes once and then settles.
“Welcome back, Agent.”
“Status: Cleared.”
“Assignment Log: Vacated.”
You sit in the silence that follows, your fingers trembling.
“You are free to go.”
They’ve never said that before.
There's no debrief. No memory wipe. No analyst knocking at your door to escort you back to a cubicle and a world of recycled coffee and unread reports. Just… release.
It doesn’t feel real. Then you notice the neatly packaged case file.
When you wrench it open, your eyes gaze upon a few simple words. Your name. Not your alias. Not your designation. Your name. Next to a birthplace.
Earth-616. Brooklyn.
And suddenly that dream… that dream you've always had isn’t a metaphor. It isn’t psychic bleed or misaligned memory. It’s real.
The stoop. The red-brick building. The muffled laughter on the wind. It wasn’t timeline residue.
It was home.
You see it all now: the way the sun hit the side of that building in the dream—your building. The stairs you must’ve climbed a thousand times before the TVA unmade you. The shadow rounding the corner wasn’t just any figure. It was him. That version of him. Bucky Barnes in his sergeant uniform, calling for you before you could catch up.
And you never did. Until now.
The words fall into your chest like stones. Every suppressed instinct, every redacted name, every unexplainable ache when Bucky looked at you like you were someone he’d loved in a dream—all of it clicks into place.
You were never a ghost in the machine. You were a person. You were his.
You stare back at the screen of your timepad. At the quiet, singular prompt at the bottom:
“INPUT COORDINATES.”
Your breath shakes.
For the first time in your life, there’s no mission waiting. No protocol. No watchers behind two-way glass. Just the choice you were never allowed to make.
You don’t hesitate.
EARTH-616 | BROOKLYN, 2026
You're not sure when you first fell in love with him. Maybe it was the 1940s, maybe it was in 1602, maybe it was earlier than language and names.
But you’ve always been sure about how he looks in silhouette—how his shoulders hunch slightly when he’s thinking, how his hands twitch when he’s fighting the urge to reach for something he knows he’s not allowed to want.
And maybe that’s why you keep searching for him in the in-betweens.
In lives that never finished writing themselves, in branch timelines that evaporated before they touched soil. You comb through the TVA archives like a woman possessed—not for intel, not even for closure, but for slivers. A timestamp where his name is scribbled in the corner. A blurry photo of someone with his gait. An anonymous field report that ends with, “target disappeared into snow.”
Everywhere, he disappears. And still, you follow.
You love Bucky Barnes the way fire loves oxygen: recklessly, instinctively. Not just for who he is now, but for every life he never got to live.
For the kid in Brooklyn who dragged Steve out of alley fights, for the soldier who fell off a train and was turned into a ghost, for the man who woke up decades later in Wakanda with a name that felt too big for his mouth. You love him for the quiet moments the world didn’t see—chopping wood in the forest, feeding stray cats on apartment balconies, the way his thumb brushes over his dog tags when he thinks no one’s watching.
Bucky, who made you laugh over terrible coffee in a mess hall in 1943. The one who handed you a damp handkerchief in a zombie-scarred train depot, saying nothing as you wiped blood off your hands. The one in 1602 who watched you from beneath a soot-black hood, eyes squinting through torchlight, and still let you pass.
You remember something he once said—maybe it was in 1955, maybe in 2016, maybe in a fever dream. “People like us… we don’t get soft landings.” And you think that’s the tragedy of it.
He has always been built to break. And you—you keep getting assigned to the wreckage.
There’s a concept you came across once, while embedded in a minor deviation out of Seoul, 1957. Not part of the assignment—just a detail on a bookstore receipt someone left behind.
In-yun. Fate through friction. The belief that even a passing graze between strangers means your souls have already brushed, thousands of times before.
It’s nonsense, by TVA standards. Sentiment dressed up as spiritual determinism. No measurable coefficient. No supporting data. But you haven’t stopped thinking about it since.
You’ve crossed paths with James Buchanan Barnes in more than a hundred timelines. You’ve logged the hours, cataloged the events, archived the footage. On paper, it’s coincidence. Strategic convergence. The mathematics of softpoints aligning with the gravitational pull of significant individuals. He is, after all, a heavily-indexed Variable.
But paper doesn’t account for the way he looks at you—each time new, each time the same. Like he recognizes your silence before you speak. Like your presence reads to him not as anomaly, but inevitability.
He's not supposed to remember you. He can’t. And still, he always sees you.
That’s the part that undoes you.
You ache because in every timeline, you find him. In every universe, you lose him.
But you think—no, you know—if you had to live and comb through thousands more universes just to stand in front of him again, in the year 2026, you’d do it. You’d do it a thousand more.
Because even if all he says is, “Took you long enough,” you’d still believe it was worth the wait.
EARTH-616 | BROOKLYN, 2026
The year is 2026. This Earth breathes uneasily in peacetime. Stark’s foundation has pivoted to disaster relief and neural rehabilitation tech. Wakanda opens its fourth embassy—this one in Seoul. Post-Blip survivor benefits have just passed preliminary legislation in three states. And James Buchanan Barnes—former assassin, occasional Avenger—has just won his election for the U.S. House of Representatives.
Redistricting helped. So did the veterans’ vote. So did the way he looked people in the eye when he told them he remembered what it was like to be used, to be weaponized, to be hollowed out and told to smile for the cameras. But mostly, it was him. The myth re-forged as man.
You find him at the VA in Brooklyn. Technically off-duty, technically supposed to be celebrating. But of course he’s here. Rolling up shirt sleeves to take constituent questions. Translating bureaucratic-speak into something that feels like compassion. He looks like a U.S. History textbook illustration—white dress shirt, tie slightly loosened, blazer draped over the back of a chair.
And somehow still the same soul you’ve met in a hundred different guises. The same gravity. The same ache. Like no matter the universe, he’s always trying to make something right.
You step into the lobby, boot heels echoing on tile, and the gravity of him pulls you forward before you’ve fully decided to be brave.
He’s facing away, head slightly bowed in conversation with a nurse, his hair still too long for Washington norms, tucked neatly behind his ears. The sight of him hits low in your stomach—familiar and wild, as always. The sound of his laugh, rare and rumbling, sends a tremor through your ribs.
“Excuse me,” you say, steadying your voice like it’s just another assignment. “I’m a deeply concerned constituent, and I’d like to register a complaint about your policies.”
He turns.
And the moment lands like gravity reasserting itself.
His eyes go wide. Then narrow. Then go soft in that way only you’ve ever seen—like he’s witnessing a miracle he doesn’t trust yet. He doesn’t say your name. Doesn’t need to.
You only just open your mouth to say something else when he’s already in front of you. And then—
He kisses you.
Not tentative. Not questioning. Just real. Like this has always been the ending he was holding out for. His hand cups the back of your neck like he thinks you might vanish again if he doesn’t keep contact. You let yourself press into it—mouth to mouth, memory to body. The weight of the years falling off both your shoulders.
You pull back, breathless. Smiling.
“You came back,” he says, wonder tucked beneath the rasp of his voice. “You came back.”
Your hands are on his chest now, smoothing fabric just to touch him, to confirm he’s real. “Took me long enough,” you echo, and his smile breaks wide and unguarded, rare and all for you.
Then he stills, just a little.
“You staying?” he asks.
You don’t hesitate.
“Yes.”
And that, his laugh, short and disbelieving, his forehead pressed briefly to yours like a prayer, is the softest landing either of you has ever known.




