Californication

i wish i couldve stayed in my parents house until i was 26 like every other socially stunted motherfucker. i would have a lot more money saved up. problem is, i had another goddamn nightmare about that very same household and about my siblings suicide attempt. so maybe not!

conclusion. shes an idiot! cassie's an idiot! cassie's and idiot for trusting her friend of 13 years to behave like a normal human being again! cassie's a fucking moron for believing that people want her to be ok and be comfortable and be safe like they fucking said!

i move to a new city with some friends who are open to letting me join their polycule. taking a huge risk and upon arriving they are welcoming but clearly somewhat nervous. i get involved with one of them, and she fucks me on the couch twice, and it turns out her wife has a problem with that, they talk about it once, she assures me its fine, we do it again, they talk about it again. great, already feeling like a tool. i then begin to distance myself slightly, but still remaining open, i ask to become gfs with the one im fucking around with. she says yes, but seems uncomfortable when i refer to her as "girlfriend." fine, whatever, relationship initiaition can be slow. then, i learn that there was drama before i arrived. another trans girl had been kicked out of their entire friend group, ghosted by all of them, because she was hanging out with people they didnt like, "drug dealers" the sort, does some real shitty stuff to some other friends in the group. ok, but then it turns out, i learn from this conversation, that one of the unacceptable things she did was demand to be an equal member in the relationship. Oh, ok, so the polycule is hierarchical, and im secondary here, something i was not made aware of before getting into the fucking relationship. fine, cool. I make a simple demand to be able to keep my fucking bike out on our shared space on the outside while they take over the entire living room, kitchen and patio with their shit, they accede, fine. but then my "gf" starts fucking ghosting me havent talked in a month. they keep having people over without telling me. my friend, and also the person im not fucking, seems to be passively going along with whatever the wife wants, and is constantly having her boundries needled and overcome by passive aggressive behavior. whenever i use the kitchen i pay rent for, i find my shit has been moved around, and when i ask about it i get a passive aggressive ass fucking response from the "gf". i get it, i should have asked and communicated around a lot more boundries. i should have been far more cautious in getting into this kind of relationship, and i shouldnt have taken such a big risk.

Im so fucking stupid. im so unbelievably fucking stupid.

i say my last tags as what i consider a fairly banal observation. i would also add that in my opinion "getting armed" is a subordinate priority to "getting organized" in any case. this is not to say getting armed is a necessarily a "bad" idea either, if you hadnt noticed my phrasing. but it is something that should be carefully considered and to repeat myself, is rather ineffective if isolated to an individual. especially considering any combat role needs several kinds of noncombat support to be effective at combat, guerilla or not.

maybe im just not communicating well enough. if i just communicate better everything will be fine. haha.

im kind of sick and tired of having to piece together peoples feelings and connecting them with actions and looking for red flags and having to diffuse bomb after bomb after bomb. maybe im the fucking moron, yknow, and maybe not everybody i think i can trust to act in good faith is acting in good faith. maybe i shouldnt expect communication and mutual respect from anyone.

why is finding good roommates like wading through a hellish torture dimension.