Californication

anyways! thats tmi! who wants to slap a girl very very hard as she pathetically humps your leg!

i think ive been sexually assaulted several times. i say i think because again. fucked in the head.

really way more than the depression thats really why i yay! post as much as i do. its easier to imagine enjoying the release of experiencing horrendous and terrible violence than it is a satisfying orgasm from somebody who makes me feel safe and loved.

realizing im not so much jealous of people having a lot of sex but rather that they enjoy it as easily as they do. realizing that im fucked in the head in ways that make that hard kind of fucking sucks.

theres only so many years we have together on this earth, so many moments. its beautiful we happen to exist on this earth at the same time, isnt it? today i met a woman again who i have told people about for years, i admire her greatly and i got the chance to tell her that.

you should be friends with me! im literally sweets cassie. i love to listen to things that people are passionate about. no matter what it is. tell me about birds, or that old video game youre obsessed with or drama about a forum you still frequent or just a funny story from your life. i love it. ive met so many incredible people in my life and id love to meet more. show me your art fuck it ive met people by sharing weird porn. its w/e. its cool. it adds to the richness of my life.

i gotta get my shit together fr tho. like i gotta find a job that pays me enough to not just survive (if it even does that) so i can get more cute clothes and actually go out and have fun. i gotta find more hobbies and i gotta find more ways to live. i have to stop being an avoidant bitch and confront whats bothering me and move beyond it. i have to thrive.

theres so much to life. theres so much to people. i really wish i could be the type of woman to help those younger than me but i lack a maternal personality. i can offer help and advice and i do frequently but it really seems like so many people younger than me are so much more interested in self destruction than i can handle. all i can say is one day you will reach an age where you will realize that you are far more interested in living than you are prepared for.

i find it a lot easier to talk with people older than me. so many in their early to mid twenties prioritize the wrong things and since im not immediately sexually available it seems they very rapidly lose interest in talking. im interested in people who see life as worth living and forming connections and finding community. id like to garden, and read more, and watch movies and play video games. i even complain like an over 30 yr old.

id like to make more friends. im becoming less and less interested in sex and far more interested in making meaningful connections. everything is so transient these days though, ive moved cities so often and changed jobs that trying to find people that actually interest me and can also tolerate how goddamn uh, weird, i am is so difficult. starting to actually be alive 10 years too late.