get it out.

“dapat bang tumawag ng tulong?” sabi mo. nakatitig ka sa malayo, minamasid ang apoy. hindi mo man lang nakita ang napakalapit lang. nakatitig ako sa iyong mga matang sinasalamin ang kulay ng pagsikat ng araw. nakatitig ako sa iyong mga mata, iniisip na huwag-- wala kang kailangang tawagan. hindi natin kailangang ibsan ang buhay nitong liyab, nitong dagitab, nitong munting kulay na minsan lamang dumapo sa iyong mga mata.

sa pagsilip ng pula, ng dilaw at kahel sa malayo ay kasabay ang bawat pintig ng aking puso, ang bugso ng aking dugo, ang pagsuko. 

lumipas ang ilang minuto at namatay din ang apoy.

siguro i’m hung up on the thought na shet, may ganito pala. yung lagi kong iniisip na hihintayin ko, na magkakagusto sakin dahil sa kung sino ako, yung tipong we spend a hell of a night together and then boom feelings, pero puta bakit parang mali ata yung timing?

“Tell me one unique thing about yourself,” you had asked me, earlier that night, and I admit, I didn’t know what to say. I never know what to say.

“I don’t know, man. Nothing, I think,” i told you, and then I laughed, and then you laughed with me. You had me thinking, is there ever really something special about me? Something in me that had caught your eye, that had triggered these events, and then suddenly we’re listening to spoken word performances and acoustic bands, we’re sharing these feelings and memories that I know in myself can never be replaced. Later that night, you said that you had to leave at 12 midnight– 12 midnight came and I looked at you, and you smiled at me, and you stayed there with me for two more hours.

What it was in me that had caught your eye, I do not know– maybe you know me more than I know myself.

and then i have these distractions that make me forget about that, these people that take me away from the dark corner that is myself, that is my mind, that is what i feel whenever i look at myself and wonder where the girl with principles has gone. if she is still inside me, i wonder, if she is still thinking about her future, about what she wants to do, about how she should manage her grades and her studies, not her mental and emotional health. i look at myself and i see someone else, someone much, much happier, but a little less responsible. someone much, much riskier, and a little less analytical. i see someone, i see the kind of person that i’ve always sworn i would never be, i see myself coming home at 2am, sneaking around, making up lies to cover up my dirty trail, briskly brushing my teeth to cover the smell of alcohol, changing my clothes to get rid of the pungent smell of smoke, pretending to have had enough sleep when i wake up in the morning, reminding myself that i should probably go home earlier the next day but then i fail to comply, waking up late, going to class late, sleeping in class, reassuring myself that i’m still the bright person that i used to be, still the girl who could answer a test without studying, still the girl that my parents thought i was; the girl who spent her time studying, the girl who was home by sunset, the girl who swore to her mother that she would never drink or stay out too late, the girl that i thought i would be.

 the girl my mother wished i would be.

the girl that i never want to be.