King Of The Stars

I posted this on twitter and had a variety of aggressive ableism thrown my way.

This is a story about changing what I can in spite of what I cannot for the comfort of my loved ones. The thing that others find to be hurtful about me is that I like to spend time in silent solitude. People who love me often feel hurt that I tend to solve my own problems instead of leaning on them.

When we spend too much time together, people find my neutrality to be concerning, and it becomes too much for people to be unable to read me.

To show the people I love that I enjoy their company in ways they can understand, I pool my energy together to be high-energy, peppy, and social. Since this is not my natural state of being, it takes effort, which can only be expended in small doses. I amplify the things people like in me while filtering out everything they dislike about me when I am in their company.

I change my behaviors for those I love, but at the end of the day, I cannot change my neutral state of being, which is the thing that they want most out of me.

EARLY PARX ERA

(in early parx years, geoff completely and wholly identifies with the male label, not thinking much further than that. she doesn't like being called a man or a boy, but she thinks nothing of that either. she loves wearing her hair longer. she uses he/him pronouns.)

DOUBLE DARE / ENTERTAINMENT

(geoff is still mildly uncomfortable with being seen as a man but she kind of chalks it up to the fact the band is getting more popular and they are starting to be called a boyband. she goes along with otto and awsten's remarks at being called a boyband, since otto was a closeted trans girl at this time. she enjoys wearing a specific jean jacket and her Zelda choker throughout the two album eras. she keeps her hair longer, enjoying it, and still goes by he/him.)

FANDOM

(geoff starts getting paranoid over how her fans view "the band" but mostly its just her. she starts staying off the internet and suspects it was because she looked too much like a girl in the last eras (this isn't really that true) so she begins her process of force-masculinizing herself, cutting her hair far shorter than she likes. she realizes she misses her long hair a lot and kind of mourns it. she still publicly goes by he/him, and the fandom teases her as the "token cis guy" in the group. she hates that.)

GREATEST HITS

(geoff keeps her hair shorter, continuing the harmful process she's put herself into. she starts getting convinced she's a confused boy and goes as far as texting awsten or otto and not following up, withdrawing herself from social events, and getting terrified and self-conscious on stage. she asked awsten to cut crave because she hated the idea of singing in a voice she was scared of to fans she was even more scared of. she... still... publicly goes by he/him.)

INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY / IP2

(geoff still tries to forcemasc herself while struggling to avoid the comments about her gender online. she leaves her hair how it is, letting it grow slightly longer and making her feel a small bit happier. after the wedding dress shoot, she half-realizes this whole thing was about her gender and how being repressed so heavily affected her early on. she embraces being called Gigi backstage by her bandmates and removes her pronouns from her bios on socials.)

GIVE ME A BREAK / JINX SINGLES / CURRENT

(geoff comes out publicly purposely during give me a break promo, so she keeps it low-key and simply changes her pronouns in her bios on all socials and makes one tweet regarding it. she leaves her hair how it is, enjoying how messy it is and deciding to grow it out later. she's fine with the fact she can easily be perceived as a male but she really envies the fact otto can be seen as a woman without further searching. she doesn't want to change but she mourns the fact she could've been so much more if she realized earlier. she publicly goes by she/her and presents androgynously.)