hello tumblr!! i think we are longgg overdue an update post, because shit is going DOWN. and besides a vague-as-hell vent post on may 29th, i haven't talked about it at all here, and that needs to change.
so strap in for a bittersweet and messy ride :,)
time to rant about my relationship!! tldr; it might end in exactly 2 days, and i really really really don't want it to!!
it's currently june, and i've been dating cameo for just over 9 months now (!!) he is the archetypal world's kindest guy, super smart, always going out of his way to help people, that kind of thing. unfortunately, part of the reason for that is that he doesn't value himself or his time/energy at all, and feels really guilty for missing any opportunity to do something kind, because it doesn't align with the person he wants to be.
bonus context, i am very much not like that. yes, i'm a generally nice person, but my view is that kindness should never be owed. i assume everyone has good intentions, but also that everyone has the right to put their own needs first, always. so if i'm too busy crashing out or working to support him on a bad day, i don't blame myself for it, and he doesn't blame me either. i've always given him the same grace when he isn't around to support me (and i try to communicate that, "no pressure to respond if you're busy, i promise i'll be okay" etc), but he doesn't extend that to himself, and the guilt gets him BAD.
unfortunately, we're very different people too. we have different main interests (although there is some overlap), operate in different social circles, and process our feelings in different ways (ie. i overthink and rationalise everything to death, but he represses it and keeps pushing through), so supporting each other is super non-intuitive. like, if he's struggling, the advice i'd give myself in his situation just wouldn't work on him, and vice versa.
it is possible for us to support each other, it just takes a little extra energy and communication than say supporting our respective best friends who think more similarly to us. it's just a little less intuitive.
ANYWAY, around february he suddenly turned really... something. he was quieter, more closed off and got uncomfortable with intimacy. he was kind of bad at communicating it (no surprise there lol) but it was obvious that something was up, so i asked him about it (which btw, fun fact, you're allowed to do!)
he admitted that yes, something was up, but he didn't want to burden me with it. i told him i wanted to know anyway, that it wouldn't be a burden and i wanted to support him because i knew he'd do the same for me (and often did), etc and he said that he'd tell me but not until our exams were done, since we both had academic hell coming up (we're second year uni students btw). i said ofc, whenever you're ready, all that stuff, but that i had one question: is "it to do with me at all"? he said no, and i tentatively believed him
some time passes, exams are almost done, and he tells me he wants to talk about the mystery horrors that had been bothering him, so we pick out a date. he recommends we talk at my place.
we yap for a bit, normal style, and eventually i ask him how he's feeling and he takes it from there. first up, he looks me in the eyes, super serious, and tells me that i've done nothing wrong. cool, i kind of already knew that, but sure. "no, SERIOUSLY, i NEED you to believe that you haven't done anything wrong in this situation, at all." and i assure him several more times that whatever is going on, i won't blame myself for it. i'm happy to report that i still don't, (despite what some mean friends have implied, but they all keep going back to their exes so i really don't trust their judgement) thanks to that! however! the reality might be even worse!!
he basically tells me that the guilt he feels from not being able to support me to the extent that i 'deserve' is really painful for him. i tell him about a million times that that's not his job and i can handle myself and that his ability to talk me through my bad days isn't why i love him.
i think it helped for him to hear it from me so directly, but ultimately the comically high standard he's set for himself is entirely self-imposed, and he knows that. it's a self-image thing, i think, and i was helping him pick that apart in real time on my bed, since that's kind of my strong-suit and he's not nearly as practiced at deciphering his own feelings since he just shoves them down forever instead.
he also told me that something really shitty happened in his life a few months back, and he only ever told one friend about it. i say "i wish you'd told me" and he says "how could i have?" how could he, when i was going through one of the busiest, most stressful and overwhelming times of my life? by trusting me, that's how. by trusting that i always have space for him, and would always rather know what's going on in his heart than be masked to or left in the dark. i've done everything i can to build that trust, and i've done even more since, but ultimately i can't do that work for him.
it became clear that he'd gone into this conversation knowing full-well in his mind that it might lead to a break-up. that's why he suggested my house, so i'd be in a comfortable environment when it happened and so he could tie off a loose end for an inside joke we started months ago about if/when we split up. even now he was so fucking thoughtful, and it made me want to cry.
but i didn't cry. i made myself as pragmatic as i could, and essentially told him "there's no way we're gonna end this relationship without even giving ourselves a chance to work this through. i'd rather we break up over text than on the same day that i find out there's a problem at all, or else i'll always wonder 'what if' we could've fixed it?"
he agreed, and so we methodically got out our phone calendars and set a date to check back and decide the fate of our relationship: june 21st. the day after tomorrow. we hugged for a long time until he had to head home to get a good night's sleep. i told him that no matter how our checkpoint conversation goes, all the time we've had together will have been worth it to me, and nothing can change that.
ultimately, i'd always known this was coming. i actually kind of called it a week after we started dating. we were too different to be endgame material, and i had come to terms with that months before. we'd probably never get married or live together because i kept my house too messy for him, and he'd hate how i need background music all the time. i'd want to cuddle every night, and he'd never get a wink of sleep. he'd be off at a million fancy work events with industry connections, and they'd scoff at all the best pictures of me being from protests and nightclubs. he was already growing up so fast, and i'm convinced i never fully will.
but right now, in this moment, in this timeline, i choose him because i love him. i always knew we weren't soulmates, but i love him anyway, and i chose him anyway, and i'll keep choosing him until choosing him isn't worth it anymore.
that's what i told him way back in november, and he said he felt the same way. so we agreed we probably wouldn't be forever, but we'd stay together for as long as it works for us both. i thought that point would come at the end of uni, or whenever we need to live in different cities, not some random wednesday when his guilt got too heavy to carry. but that's not up to me, and it would be wrong to try to convince him otherwise, no matter how badly a part of me wants to
since then, we've been mostly back to normal. we've both had travel plans and are on opposite sides of the country right now, but last summer was like that too and we'll be back at uni together in september anyway. i do miss him, though, so much. he gives really good hugs and i miss his hugs a lot. god. get a grip.
once, we hung out and i asked him how he felt about us and he said 'better', but i get the feeling that's not a guarantee, just a little ease from everything being out in the open. the uncertainty is kind of killing me (+ still not knowing which city i'll spend the majority of summer in for unrelated reasons), but when i get to talk to him, that mostly goes away, and i can still enjoy our time together.
unfortunately, i really do love him, but i don't want us to be together if it's hurting him so much... but i've seriously been trying to reduce that. i made little communication cards for the important things we often forget to say, and although he thought they'd be helpful, he's yet to use them. i've tried to be as open as possible, but also held back from venting to him out of nowhere. i've joked about the possibility of us breaking up a little bit so it doesn't feel so evil as a concept, but i joke about everything so i'm not sure if it helped.
i'm doing everything i can, because i'm well-practiced at this and he's told me how much he appreciates my patience, but the bulk of the work really does need to come from him, and i just don't know if he can pull that off. all i can hope is that he sees that with time, he'll make more slow and steady progress, and that that's enough to make it worth staying together for now.
i just want to know for sure, i guess, because relationship limbo SUCKS ASS, no matter what. especially when you know for a fact you've done nothing wrong, tried everything you can, and are legitimately powerless to change the outcome without betraying yourself in the process. whatever he decides, i just have to roll with it, but unfortunately that's kind of my strong suit too.
this is literally the best possible way it could end. with full transparency, time to say goodbye, on good terms and guilt-free (for me at least). but it just feels so fucking SOON. i thought we'd have more time. i really wanted more time with him.
i'll probably post another update soon after The Conversation :tm: on the 21st, so look out for that i guess. in the meantime, wish me luck in relationship limbo!! i hope i get the good ending, whichever one that ends up being. but i know i'm smart, and so is cameo, so i'm sure we will. <3
