letters from the crushed

...

I couldn't love you because I can't stop thinking about him. I'm so sorry.

So, you know how there's always that one person in your life that you never really get over, no matter how much time passes?

Yeah...

The love we never made still haunts me. I hope it's still haunting you, too.

why are you the way you are? i've thought it over so many times and i can't figure you out. it hurts. if you know, please tell me and help me to make sense of you.

every single cell in our body is replaced every seven years. and by my calculations that means by october 2015 the person i will be will have never even touched you.

distance has widened and new things have grown in place. nothing is really forgotten but at this point it's fluid. it's taken me this long to encourage myself to stop wishing for a return or a sincere apology, to let you go and hold the hand that's here.

have probably forgotten

you talked to me when it was a problem, and now that there's nothing holding me back you won't even look my way. just another example of your shitty, shitty timing.

i find it weird that i miss you. perhaps not you, since the you i invented never really existed ... i just twisted who you used to be into what i wanted. you were my savior, the one who saved me from drowning and carried me on backs of giant swan wings, but only in my dreams and notebooks. in real life you were the obnoxious show off that everyone detested.

but i chose to like you. i was quiet and i observed you as if i were to be tested on what you wore each day i saw you. i remember i was instantaneously turned off when your hair grew long, i eventually came to enjoy it though, as i did with your voice.

but since your brother committed suicide, its been different. you changed so much, enough that the couple times a year i see you i rarely recognize you. you wear dark clothing and swear, smoke and do drugs and i wonder if you would have ended up that way if he hadn't died.

it's like the soft hearted one doesn't live inside you anymore. but... then why do i still think about you? dream about you? dream of you kissing me? caressing my body? i don't want you, you're no good. then why does my stomach explode with butterflies whenever you enter the room, or i hear your name or your voice? tell me what to do !

BULLSHIT

K is so good to me, but no matter how hard I try it's inevitable: I am going to hurt him because I can't get over you.

i got spent on you.

i wrote a two page letter, front and back covered with words i couldn't express aloud. i gave the letter to my best friend, at the time, to deliver it. my heart beat through my throat. the next day my crush stopped talking to me, i didn't understand. my best friend told me she delivered it... two weeks later i found the letter folded in her dresser, and she said he threw it back at her without reading it. he didn't like her, and thought it was by her. after that i didn't talk to him and ignored him. he tried talking to me , and to this day we don't talk like we did so long ago. grammar school stories to be told... i've changed. he's changed.