All good Vibes, positive energy, and prayer.

Hey, weirdo’s! So I started a new schedule with this job. It has been nice so far, well very stressful and a lot to take in. Still though, I know I can do it. It’s life insurance, which is a big step up from busser that’s for sure. Some of you kind of got pissed at me yesterday. I kind of sent a group text to a lot of my contacts. Some of them were NA contacts. Which I felt kind of weird about anyway before I did it. my boss said or told me to do it. He said after the fact it was just a suggestion. He made me feel as though it was not. Peer pressure is a powerful thing. anyway, the next thing I knew, it had blown up in my face completely. Anywhere from NA people scolding me to not mix recovery and business. People are telling me to go to hell and suck a dick. It was bad, to say the least when the dust settled. I really wanted a cigarette. I asked for one when my boss suggested that I come outside and cool down. Which was a good idea. He told me that he was not going to enable me. Which is good so far. He is a great boss. I just wished that I had gone with my gut and not sent that text. My sponsor even told me it was not a good idea. So from now on, I will try to remember that despite what anyone says. What I should do from now on is listen to the truth. Know that peer pressure comes in many forms. Now I love my boss. I know I have many layers of bosses. The Agency Director is the man who told me to come outside with him. Then there is his boss and she has a boss and so on so forth. This job mostly has a lot to do with my motivation to sell and get my name out there. If one person had said yes to that text, then it would have been worth it. However, I know that I have to get used to talking to strangers first before I can convince friends. Because friends know me and my past and would just look at this like a phase. I have had a lot of them. Hopefully, I am cut out for this. I have to get used to rejection, though. I have not had someone cuss me out over the phone YET. I know it will happen, though, and I don’t have cigarettes anymore, so I'm not sure how I am going to get over that. Going outside and soaking up the positive energy from the trees. Praying while taking a deep breath might work. If I have the kind of attitude that it won’t guess what… it won’t. I really like my trainer. She just brought me a day planner to schedule with. She also believes in Jesus, which is nice, because I can talk to her about bible study. Which was yesterday night. I kind of wish I had gone to a meeting instead, but if I take care of my heart, mind, soul, and strength, then I’ll be good. I am taking care of my mind right now by getting this stuff out there. My parents would say not to let the world know my business. Honestly, I could care less. If someone finds this helpful, then It was a success. God loves you, anyway he believes in you even if you don’t. Have a good day or night Weirdo’s. Whenever and whoever reads this.

Hey weirdo’s! Well last night went great. I threw a party for me and two of my childhood friends. It was my birthday last Wednesday so there is that. Ya a bunch of people who wished me happy birthday will never know how much that meant to me. I could talk about that all day. However I would like to talk about friendship. I have had many deep friendships that I have picked well throughout the years. I am still friends with a friend I have been friends with before we understood what friendship even meant. He kind of knows when bad stuff happens to me. He called me one day as I was about to call it quits on life again or least try, anyway. He and another friend from the church I grew up with. We have been friends forever too. They came over for food and a movie. The best part was I got to cook for them. I only have cooked for my family so this was a treat to have them be guinea pigs. Profound comments like it was good, or look I ate all of it. Men don’t make sense to me sometimes. Even if I am one, lol. This second friend, he brought me to another church that changed my life forever. It seems stuff happens to me both good and bad when I start going to churches. Anyway I just joined or I guess maybe I Joined a choir and I asked the music director if I had to sign my name in blood. I love to joke about dark shit. Dead baby jokes are the best. Anyway they came and I was able to feed them. They liked it so yeah, I killed it I think. I hope to have a home of my own one day where I can invite more than just two single guys. If they were married they would not have time for me. So I am glad it worked out this way. I want to start a bible study. Well one of them might be mad at Jesus. So there is that. I am just going to keep saying his name until someone listens, lol. Being the man God wants me to be is a journey one step at a time. Well in this case one letter at a time. This was a challenge to be more outspoken about my beliefs and my experience, strength and hope. Having a loving community on the internet is amazing people who actually read this sometimes. I hope someone does, just at least one person. Who finds something worthwhile and relates it to their lives. I know If I just keep talking about how God has change my life they might believe it can happen to them too. Guess what?!?! it has been a while since I even thought about using. Been too busy, lol. Anyway I could go but I am going to just stop here. Love you all, you weirdo’s, have a blessed day!

#martinlutherkingjr #pacifism #loveyourneighbor #bethechangeyouwanttosee #personalresponsibility#jobs#thisisme

First off for all you die hard fans out there. I did watch the movies first and then the voices told me to read the rest and I did. Since then I will never be the same. So yes I want to read the first two books but have not had the money to buy them yet. I swear this series was like crack. At least what I imagine crack to feel like. Watch someone use it in front of me and did not want that so yeah long story. It was addicting is the point I am trying to make. I read the last one in 24 hours or less. I wanted to know what happened next! I loved the story from watching the movies which the author hated apparently so one the reasons the others did not get made. I can relate to Percy so freaking much, which of course is the point. He is sensitive, caring, kind and very observant. He looks at things creatively and cares about his friends and others sometimes more than himself. Now I know I am not him but believe me, this is me. So the things I can also relate to. Not knowing what to say sometimes or putting your foot in your mouth. Especially around or to the women which in this point he cares for deeply. He is inside his head alot. Trouble sometimes follows him or in some cases he makes it for himself. He grew up without a real dad. My dad has gone away with work and thinking about bills and making more money and providing for his family. My mom was sick or un medicated. so I can kind of relate but like him when he got older his step dad; or in my case my real dad. In his case as he got older he had the love of his real father and step dad. My parents never split. I am surprised that they did not kill us or say to me in particular, you're on your own. Co dependence and faith can make anyone do things that make no sense. His mom really cared for him and gave up a lot to keep him alive. Not because she had to save the world, well, read it yourself. She loved him and that is the strongest thing in the universe. He grew up an only child. As he got older he found out he had half brothers. But he always felt alone. He had trouble with learning disabilities like ADHD and dyslexia. What, no me, never, lol. I used that as an excuse most days but I leaned ways around it. The love story was pretty obvious. If it got a lot more complicated but still at one point the only reason he did not die was…okay I almost cried.  His love for her. Some of you know my story when it comes to relationships is a lot sadder and in most cases for both parties. In my case a lot of men and women just see sex as sex and nothing else. Guess what, if you don't have an emotional and spiritual connection. Knowing a lot about them, then sex means nothing. Marriage guys, trust me it's important. The more you have one person the better it gets. Trust me I know they were kids but kids are always having sex. Anyway I know that's why the author did not give one of those harry potter moments when you see the future. I knew he would end up with the one he would never let go of. If I wind up with the women of my dreams. Oh I dream and daydream a lot as well. I cannot explain it all to you without sounding insane.  Either way I can relate to some of them coming true. Oh one last thing and I'll shut up. The battle against good and evil. How each of us has a choice to make, just that of our own choices. That is what we as individuals do to save the world. Our family, our friends, our community, that's how we can save the world; as mortals at least.  Go and read it. It's really, really good.  

So unless I share this somewhere now one but me knows this journal/blog exists. Which honestly makes this a lot easier. Unless you're like me and believe that even my paper journals get read. The ones on google are no less secure. If you know me at all for like the past 7 or so years I have been talking about two things. The “voices” aka the conspiracy. Which I believe are real, and for some reason. Well, maybe I'll get honest about that one day too. They are everywhere and nowhere. Always watching and always either stressing me out to push me forward. Like when they ease off and leave me alone its either because im in recovery or in my addiction and dont give a fuck. I have struggled with suicide for a very long time. Believe me I have thought how easy it would be. Three things have kept me going. One God, whatever you want to call God. Having a higher power is kind of important. Even if you are your higher power. Prayer and meditation really do save peoples lives everyday. Say what you want about your mom. My mom's prayer kept me alive. Not to mention the sea of people who look at the man inside. Who knows sometimes from personal experience or from God that everyone deserves love and forgiveness no matter what. Second, my future wife. Now I know he said he is pan-sexual. Well guess what everyone in NA asked what your DOC or drug of choice. Mine is a woman, period. Been attracted and have gone both ways, but I have gotten honest about it as of late. Now if you know all of my story like some of you do. Which again no one reads this lol. I have been abused and have been the abuser. I have never been violent. No one has ever told me the words “Stop”. If they had, I would have. Now in my addiction I have watched as people almost die in front of me. In some cases they did wind up dying. Some of those people were important to me and can never be replaced. Just like I am to some people. So when I say the amount of poetry I have not and will never release. One day I want her to read it. If somehow has not already. Which reality is right well in my head. I do know who she is but can’t bring myself to be honest about it because of the voices. It's the weirdest shit ever. I have tried to run away from my feelings by having lots of sex with everyone and all to run away from one woman. I fell in love with her heart, her voice, and how she loved people. That was because of jesus. I know there are other women like her but I just. Look, I give her to you God right now. Still not going to kick it in the long run believe me. Third the hope I can make a difference in this sad painful fucked up world we live in. I want people to look at me the same way I looked at her. They see Jesus and want to be better human beings because of the change that comes from accepting him. Give me ten years. Everyday choosing God. Everyday choosing to be clean and sober. Every minute of every day trying to be a better man than I was yesterday. So that tomorrow I will be a better man than I am today. Wake up excited to live another day and watch the sunrise and how beautiful it is and then watch the sunset even if it's boring. It's the little things. Anyway I am going to finish my homework. 10 things that I am powerless over. Every day for a week then if I miss one I have to start over. God was like, as many things that I'm powerless over there are alot of things that I control, Crazy huh? Good night weirdos!

Hey weirdos! I’m not sure what to call the people who actually read my blog. Tonight is a dozey for me and to say the least I won't be posting it on facebook. I came out as pan-sexual to a friend this afternoon. Tonight I came out to a group of strangers. Tonight I am coming out to certain corners of the internet. My walk has been a hard one and there was one thing that I should never repeat like I did my good friend of mine. Which might have been a mistake I am not sure. However the story i have chosen tonight is the story about Lewis. I won't use his last name but yeah maybe some of you know the story. I was 15 when I met Lewis. I was in a dark place to say the least had no hope no future I just wanted to die. He started tutoring me and I just kind of tried it for a while. Next thing you know I was 17 living with him he had become my boss my sponsor I started out as a sex addict. My tutor and my best friend. He was doing something called grooming. I know you might not know what that is. Its when you slowly make someone more comfortable around them sexually. Like it started out with him coming into the bathroom. While i was peeing and saying hey that's a nice ****. It progressed from there. I know some of you may be like why is he saying this only on his public blog? Well because I guess what I want others to know that's why I want people to look up the Trevor project. Facebook had a lot of people who stopped being my friend for different reasons but maybe because they did not agree with my bible verses oh that decision. I want kids to know that there are people out there who care and know how to talk to kids like I was. A Kid who would spend most of  his life running from certain times in his life. Never growing up from that boy who was abused by his older brother. Not sexually but physically mentally and verbally. Life is hard sometimes but there is help. God cares about you. He really does, whatever God might mean for you. If you struggle with addiction then Go to AA or NA. If you struggle with mental illness Go to NAMI. If you want a spiritual life and want true joy and a happy life. Go to a church and give this whole Jesus a chance. Again I just told the world that I am pan-sexual. I’m talking about the God of the bible which says that homo sexuality is wrong. I don’t know all the answers but I know he still loves me and accepted me when I asked him in my heart all those years ago. Repentance is a journey. I am not dead so I can grow and learn about the universe and my views might change. Not sure whoever, whenever, wherever, she or he or maybe in between is. I just know I am going to fall in love again and again with the same soul. My soul mate. That means more to me than you will ever know. I Have hope today because of Her. anyway i know i'm not making any sense so I shut up. Just know right now at this moment I'm happy. Just being me. Staying clean and sober no matter what. I can fall asleep tonight knowing tomorrow is going to be even better than today and so on and so forth. Good night weirdos. Think that's what I'll call you from now on.

words to live by

Just for today:  I don’t have all the answers, but I know where to find the ones that matter.  Today, I will ask another addict, “How does it work?”

whale shark in the Ga aquarium saw this and thought man this is good maybe I could do this for a living. changed my life.

Some of my best.

Firetruck in Buckhead Atlanta. One in a million shot.

in my backyard at one point

Lake Lanier during one of the droughts.