Under the Chesnut Tree

Today I was asked of which of my children I am most proud.

Ha.

That’s not a thing for me to claim.

It was a great night for the high school freshman child and there’s no denying I loved that theatre award more than I should, because it is hers alone that she earned alone, and nothing to do with me.

There’s no denying that I didn’t mind a bit that in a gym of accomplished freshmen, sophomores, and juniors, she received the most accolades of anyone. That’s her, though. That’s not anything for me to claim. I beam, yes, and there is undeniable joy.

But all three of the people who call me Mom do amazing things, receive awards...

All three live greatness, accomplish greatness, and give all of themselves to what they do.

They all make/made amazing grades, but many do. There’s more to life than making straight As. They’re smart and they work hard enough for As. That’s swell and I don’t mind a bit.

But.

What kind of human are you? How do you treat other people? How much do you live for yourself instead of for someone else? That’s what I’m proud of though I shouldn’t be, because they didn’t learn it from me. That’s what I want to see.

-The Internet

Today these words appeared over and over. Maybe...30ish times. Please slow down. You must wait twenty seconds before you reattempt to log in. Please slow down. You must wait three minutes between attempts to change your password. Please slow down.

Why was login impossible on ticketing website I’ve used effortlessly for two years? All I wanted (read needed) to do was to print my ticket sales for the box office manager because...RECITAL WEEK!!! But today: I couldn’t log in. I couldn’t change my password. I couldn’t use my old password. I just wanted the task finished so I could move on to the next item on the to-do list. But all this website would give me today was, “Please slow down.”

Alas, I never did log in. I never did print the ticket sales.

And I never did slow down. (I’m working on it, Universe.)

But. I did I did move to the next task and the next, all the way to dress rehearsal and beyond. I drew many Sharpie lines through many to-dos and to-buys and I had a fabulous rehearsal. So there’s that, and that’s a good lesson too.

Please slow down. You’ve heard it. Maybe not from the internet on a day you will most assuredly NOT slow down. But you’ve heard it.

I hear you, Universe. But I have STUFF TO DO!

So I strive for...

Wait twenty seconds. Wait three minutes. Read a book. Take a bubble bath.

Every week I’m going to appear to talk about something random. Maybe dance. Maybe theatre. Maybe social justice. Maybe one of my many, many psychological issues I’m passing along to my children. I can promise I won’t be telling you how to live your life because I haven’t figured out how to live my own life. You’ll get to know me and you’ll want to know more. Or you won’t want to know more and you’ll long to have back those five minutes you invested in my words.

Right now I’m working on myself. I’m always saying I’m working on myself but right now I really am. So sometimes I’ll talk about where I am on that crazy journey.

That journey is what brought me to today and today is Friday and I’m casual so here we are with a post titled Casual Friday. Today I feel cute in my new theatre t shirt one of my dancers/actors gave me as a teacher appreciation gift. I look cute in it too. I look about the same as I do most days. But inside I am vulnerable and I’m moving in a direction.

I don’t know what direction. Maybe I’m moving forward and maybe I’m moving backward. But for 44 years I have treaded water. Moved myself nowhere. Some days I’ve felt like someone was holding my head under the water, some days I held my own head under, and some days I floated and breathed deeply.

When I moved , it was ife’s current that took me places; I never carried myself. I never kicked my legs and used my arms at the same time. The most I can say I really did is that sometimes when a boat passed I reached out, grabbed a styrofoam float someone tossed, and I held on for a while.

Today though... Thanks to strong currents and life savers I’ve reached the shore. I am out of the water and I move.

I. Move. It’s not luck, fate, God, The Universe, podcasts, self-help books, friends, inspirational Instagram posts, brothers, riding the coattails of others. Those were the currents that brought me to the shore, and for those things from me the gratitude flows. I will carry them with me. They are the things that fill the cute-on-the-outside, messy-on-the-inside bag I carry on my shoulder and root around in as I walk on my own feet in my Casual Friday loafers, up, down, and along this path where I cannot drown and where my destinations and lingerings are not determined by the current created by passing ships and the way of the wind.

Why is today special? Why do I celebrate Casual Friday at all when I am casual most days? Why make this Casual Friday the defining point that changes my life?