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There are people out there climbing hills on a bike and I can't even walk without tripping on level ground.

Is it just me or does anyone else place their unsupported boobs on the table to stop it from sagging?

If you're wondering how I look, let me give you some perspective.

I have such prominent dark circles, it looks like God started making a raccoon eyes first, and then ran out of raccoon parts so made me instead.

When dudes get fat, do their penises get fat too?

We came from cutlery, and we go back to cutlery.

I remember the exact minute I decided to start cracking my knuckles. I was on the bus, on the way back home after school in 2nd grade, standing near the driver and I saw one of the older girls I was friends with do it. I thought it was a very mature thing adults do cause I'd seen my mum do it a lot. So that day on that bus, I remember the exact minute I decided to do it. It hurt like fucking hell. 22 years later I've found every which way to bend my knuckles to crack them and I hate it but I can't stop. All because I thought it would make me look more ✨mature✨

Imagine you're an author. You've decided on the title, "No" . Then your neighbour’s dog-walker’s niece’s tutor (who is never going to read your book) suggests adding a full stop after No. You take the suggestion and even credit them in the acknowledgements. Next thing you know, this rotten toenail wants half your royalties, demands to choose your book tours, dictates your entire career and your diet.

If I want to send a meme to you and I see that you've already liked it, don't think it would stop me. I'll send it anyway.

I used to put Vicks VapoRub in my eyes and tell people I had the pink eye so I could wear sunglasses in school.

If dragons existed, I wouldn't keep one as a pet. I'd volunteer to be the pet.

I once wrote a borderline erotic poem about water and a tumbler and won 2nd place. I'm 93% sure the judges were on viagra.

Fuck it we ball