Phantogram Three
#extradirty
Today's Document
@theartofmadeline
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
I'd rather be in outer space 🛸
Lint Roller? I Barely Know Her
noise dept.
Fieri Frames
Product Placement
blake kathryn
Keni
Claire Keane
Kiana Khansmith
izzy's playlists!
$LAYYYTER
tumblr dot com
Show & Tell
seen from United Kingdom
seen from Chile
seen from China
seen from Colombia
seen from Colombia
seen from Indonesia
seen from Indonesia
seen from Bangladesh
seen from Indonesia
seen from United States
seen from Chile
seen from Chile
seen from United States
seen from United States
seen from Italy
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
@crescenteffervescent
Almost six years out from the broken relationship, I still feel like a nomad whose homeland was burnt to ruin. It hurts to remember sometimes, still. It hurts because it was so, so good once. His scent. His smile. Our goofiness. The feeling of his arms so solid around me. The way he'd make me giggle. Life is so much more somber now. I miss the way he'd light me up.
"And I can go anywhere I want
Anywhere I want — just not home."
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I still fucking miss you. Maybe someday you'll miss me enough to reach out again. But I can't hold my breath. I can just love you in secret and hope you moved on and are happy now.
Missing you extra today. Crazy how long its been and I still miss you.
Hey, its me. I haven't written in a while, not really. I no longer ever have any delusions that you will ever read my blog again. But that gives me the freedom to write in here just like any paper journal. And its about time for another one. I think it's overdue.
So yeah. Shit's been tough. I'm not doing well in a number of areas. Not keeping on top of my work for my new job. Been physically and mentally sick, which has been hugely disruptive to my ability to show up as a good employee in my damn first week of work. Embarrassing. Then, there's my car. Its been out of commission almost since I got to this new place. And I still won't know what's wrong with it until I get it to Toyota to look at it. And they're either gonna tell me shits fucked, or they'll be able to fix it for another so much money that I don't have. Well, then I get to at least finally make another choice. Cut my damages and find a new car, somehow, or get my current one fixed and at least get it back on the road again.
Ita been terribly isolating in this apartment. Its a great apartment on the inside, but I can't really get anywhere without a car. And i don't know anyone here, so I'm always alone. My one thing I'm supposed to—*need to—be doing well with, my job, I am not doing so well with. I've been sick and depressed, unable to cope with the work I need to do and engaging in all kinds of escapism and hating myself for it. I tried to reach out to my supports. I am thankful to have them. They have been helping. My dad, Brinbro, my friend from Threads, and even my ex.
I was able to get some things done tonight that were making me freak out because I didnt have them done. So at LEAST there's that. And I checked my email, my work email. So maybe I can salvage this job and still do a good job. I have to hope. Even though I feel unforgivable shame for calling out on my clients on Wednesday. I just COULDN'T get out of bed. I wanted to so bad. I just felt so sick. Im glad I did call out though, because I would have been a mess trying to do 3 sessions that day. I needed to sleep a good long time.
Anyway all that to say that I think the damage can be controlled but it sucks and im scared about it. Scared that if I get too depressed I will lose this job and then have no idea what to do.
Well Anyway, thats most of the update from me. Im stressed and depressed and on the edge of losing employment because of my health. Tale as old as time I guess. Somehow I'm still here. Somehow I'm not fired yet. Somehow maybe I can get back on top of work things. Somehow I will get a car up and running again. And then, maybe I can finally try to finish furnishing my apartment and make friends.
I hope that you're doing okay. I hope you still miss me. I hope to see you again someday. You're still it for me. The Real love of my life. Even though its been so long. I hope to see you again. Please considered it.
I know you aren't coming back. And a part of me still waits for you even so. She never gave up on our love. In her, it still lives on. She's just waiting for you.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I don't want to be alive for a while, and there's no one I can tell. Or maybe I want to be alive differently. I feel ugly and old and behind in life. I feel not free to pursue my interests. I'm tired. I am alone. My love doesn't love me, and I don't love my more recent ex. I don't know what I want... rest. Peace. Finality. Never having to worry again. I want to just... stop. Everything. Be done. Be free to sleep. I don't need to know or experience or learn anymore. I'm ready to be done.
Another year gone. I still wouldn't mind leaving this place. I feel so, so weary and old. I've seen enough.
The best thing about death is that you don't have to be hyperventilate anymore. There's no more pain, and there's no more fear. No more problems. No more stress. No more remembering everything you've lost.
My best friend abandoned me over 5 years ago. And I texted him Merry Christmas this year. Because I miss him so fucking much, and I always will. And he won't feel the same. He doesn't care. I have to live like I haven't tried to glue the shattered pieces of me together to keep living at all. And no one will ever know how badly I broke. How I will never be whole again.
It's been more than five years since you left me. Longer since you stopped loving me. But I still think about you, all the time. I still think you were the one for me. I still miss you in ny everyday life. I am still so, so sad about how things turned out. Almost the new year. I can't stop time from moving. And I can't make you want me again. I wish I could have been enough. I wish you would have tried to make it work. I fucking miss you.
I hope you're well. Thanks for texting me the other day. It meant a lot.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
You are the only one who could make me feel better. How dare you give that to me for years and then take it away from me so carelessly?
I've worked hard to become the woman I am today. I should give myself a lot more credit.
Another night I go to bed missing you. Another morning I wake up missing you. You haunt me across the years. At my death bed, I know, I will see your ghost.
I would kill to talk to you again.
I still wish you were the one who loves me.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I remember when I shared my Tumblr link with you. You called me about it. You said you couldn't stop reading it. You told me never to stop writing like I did, honest and raw. You'd check it regularly. That told me you *saw* me. You recognized that you were really seeing me. And you *valued* seeing me. You got me, in a way I'd never been gotten by a man. It was important to you to know me.
And because of that, every other man for me is ruined. Because I will never find a man who will value seeing me, is able to get me, like you did. Ironically, I don't think you ever understood how important being seen and valued like that was to me, how much it meant. How could you ever feel not good enough for me if you knew how much it meant to me that you *got* me, and wanted to keep getting me, wanted to keep reading me, wanted to be a better person for me, so that you could still know me, so that I would still write for you, about you.
What the fuck happened to that man who was so enamored by me, who wanted to get to know me at such a deep level? Why were you willing to grow at one point, but stopped being willing later? I miss you so much, Z. I miss you like hell.
I would do shameful things just to be able to fucking talk like we used to. I hate this timeline so much. I fucking miss you and it makes me so angry I can't tell you that. I see you playing online with your boys and its like watching you through a one way mirror. I want to scream, want to reach out... but you don't want to talk to me. And fuck you for making me love you and then pulling away after 5 fucking years, and then drawing it out for 2 more years, abandoning me after telling me you still wanted to be with me when I confronted you about it, and then trying to talk like we could still be friends half the time. After fucking shacking up with her.
I hate you but I love you still. And even when I say i hate you, I can't really mean it all the way. Because you were my fucking home.
Its not fair you're still alive and I have to force myself to mind my own business because you don't want me and its been years and I still cannot fucking get over you. Years and years. I will never be free of you. I will miss you forever. And when I get old and dementia, I will ask everyone around me where you are, when you'll come back to me. If I have a new partner, I'll call him your name. I wish you had shot me instead of destroying my heart but leaving me still breathing.