Barely Born a Virgin is What the Star Said

This is a message to Sophie. I don’t know if you still ever come to see how I’m doing. I’d like to think that after the history we had you are still curious to know if I’m around. But then again, I made it clear that I would never use this blog again. So maybe you’ve stopped checking now. 

At any rate, whether you ever see this or not, I need to vent and I can’t message you because I made a promise that I would never bother you with my struggles or problems again. 

I miss hearing from you. I wish I knew what’s happening in your life now that our time together is over. You’ve still got a few more months to go,I believe, of your vet tech training. I know that the last few terms are hellish and strenuous. Nonetheless I’m confident you’ll do fine, as I’m sure you’ve been doing these last few months. 

I’ve gotten a lot better, emotionally, since our breakup. I’m getting better at not letting the thought of you break me. Though I still fail at times. It’s my own fault, and I remind myself that the pain we endure is a measure of the love one has. That is why I hurt so much now. I loved so much then. 

Sometimes I dream that you contact me to ask how I’m doing, like you used to when you cared. I see that you still check my snapchats. So you’re at least curious to see what I’m up to. I wish I could hear your voice again. Everything is a trigger to me. I hear a person laugh and I think of how you laugh, I take a shower and I think of showering wit you, I make ceviche and I think of when I made you food. I go grocery shopping and I think about when we did. I think of anything and you’re there, you invade all my thoughts. I’m trying hard to make that happen less. But truly I’ve had little success. For maybe a month and a half I was able to diminish the amount of time I spent thinking about you. But it was fleeting and in you came once again, like a season. I don’t know why either, it’s not like anything has changed. Maybe because this around is the time we met. 

I think about your birthday, and well, it’s some time away, but I hope maybe I can wish you a happy one. But I’d only ever do that if by that point you contacted me. 

But honestly, maybe it’s best that we keep this distance. Maybe it’s just best to let us never be a part of our lives again. Maybe it’s best that  we let dead things be dead.