Too Lazy To Delete

Shinjuro watching his son bring home a boy: idgaf. (i do but shh)

Shinjuro watching his son bring home the Water Hashira, who was his fucking co-worker at one point: Yikes this is awkward…

(no bc imagine your son brings home a boy and he used to be your co-worker. grown ass man and his 15 year co worker type shit. they’ve seen too much of each other in those days. the horrors omg)

Shinjuro watching as Rengoku fucks around with a guy with black hair, calm and quiet demeanor: Wait is this fucking play about MEEEEEE ? ykw maybe they’ll be the better version. blessed by the narrative type beat.

Shinjuro getting the news of his son demise, and a few days later at the funeral looking at Giyuu mourn or whatever: Omg. They were doomed yaoi. They were just me like me and Ruka fr fr. Anyways back to mourning.

Shinjuro getting the news that Giyuu, and that kid he punched one time and the corps bad luck charm Tanjiro defeated the home wrecker who killed his son: Omg he could’ve slayed as my son in law 🥺. He was my fav co worker trust.

Shinjuro is a dick yet he’s so sad and complex. I just think his pov of their dynamic would be more complex yet i love my peace sooo we’re doing humor….

ANON MY WHOLE ANSWER GOT FUCKING DELETED AAAAAAH I’M GONNA JUMP!?

I’m writing it all again for you but wow, tumblr count your days.

Although my fic is significantly less happy on the rengiyuu part, I like to imagine the spin off where Kyo lives and genuinely starts dating Giyuu. Shinjuro is watching Giyuu come to the estate every other week and he’s like 🤨🏳️‍🌈 he was a whole hashira too and even he didn’t get to see his WIFE as much as Giyuu is seeing Kyo rn. Like bro don’t you have missions to be on (Giyuu is making sure to take missions that redirect him back to Tokyo so he can see Kyo even more)

Shinjuro would think a demon possessed Giyuu or smth cause in his head this is his ex coworker, resident emo depressed kid. wtf is he doing with his mouth rn, that sound!? He didn’t even know the kid knew what a laugh was. Now Kyojuro cracks the worst joke to ever be cracked and he’s giggling his tits off. Boy if you don’t shut your mouth rn

He’s so close to being homophobic with the whole “what about the bloodline Kyojuro” but it could go either or. The way he grows to hate the demon slayer corps, he prolly wouldn’t care that much about the bloodline ending. He wouldn’t care about Giyuu until he does (mostly to demotivate Kyo though), at which stage for the first time in Kyo’s life he’ll genuinely hold his dad accountable. Like bro we’re in the middle of a demon apocalypse, worse things to be worried about than where I put my dick

It would be so funny in a Kyo lives AU if Shinjuro tries to be nicer after Kyo shouts him to high heaven and back. They’re all sitting at the dinner table, Giyuu, Kyojuro, Senjuro (who’s really happy for Kyojuro cause he always worried he never saw himself as anything but his responsibilities) and Shinjuro. They’re on their 12th “wow this food is great!” And it hasn’t even been 20 minutes yet. Shinjuro is wracking his brain tryna figure out wtf to talk about with Giyuu cause despite being coworkers for like 3 years, he actually never made an effort to talk to the kid. Speed running through every generic small talk question. ‘So what do you do for work’ fuck no, doesn’t even help. ‘Any plans for the future’ welp let’s not go there. ‘So you got any siblings?’ Yeah bro just throw me off a cliff. He is STRUGGLING but he’s trying 😭 eventually he settles on “so water breathing huh. Heard you trained under Urokodaki” which works out great for 20 seconds until Giyuu mentions some kid he used to train with now Shinjuro really does wanna jump off a cliff

(so sorry for the rant its just as much as i adore giyuu, my fav character, there’s so much angst that centers on him being bullied by everyone like guys….thats a grown ass man. stop babying him. like dynamics could be so complex yet the fandom waters them down to “oh they’ll burn his haori”, “they’ll watch as a demon kills him” like bro wtf.)

also i was reading through one of the anon asks and UM. nepo baby giyuu is a concept that i have never heard of but god am i intrigued cause you can’t tell me bro was not one of kagayas favs man. sanemi i get your hate sometimes from an outside perspective lolll. though it lowkey sound like an obsession but i’ll shh.

also the idea of sanemi being jealous or insecure about his relationship with giyuu bc of rengoku haunting the narrative means sm to me. i would love more on this bc it nice to see giyuu so loved to that point and it’s nice to see sanemi so in love. also is urokodaki gonna make any appearances in your fic? it’s cool if not. anyways i yapped too much so i’ll stfu and wait until you upload your fic (our early christmas gift fr fr).

— kasmira <3

Hi Kasmira!

I missed your ask then saw it the next day but had to lock iiiin cause I’m the idiot who forgot you actually gotta write a fic if you plan to post it😓 I’m still like crazy behind but I only plan on posting it on Sunday so I’m gonna give it my all and next time not be dumb and forget to actually write the damn thing 😭

And yes it does have platonic giyushino! I feel Shinobu is the only one of the hashira who can tell his true feelings. She might not get them all the time but she can tell when he has even a slight shift. Like in tales of water and flame when she noted he was being more compassionate just from the simplest sentence. I feel there’s too much hate for them from sanegiyuu shippers and too much hate from them for sanegiyuu shippers. Ship wars are silly and 95% of the time end up cropping out an important relationship or person in the characters life. Also he’s 3 years older than her cause they’re 18 and 21 when they fall into the IC but I don’t really care about people shipping them with such a tiny age gap. Mostly cause of the context the story takes place in and they also knew each other both when they were minors. It’s whatever to me. The only reason I probably don’t ship them is because I don’t think shipping Shinobu with someone does her story justice. I like shinomitsu but only in fanart really because Shinobu’s whole story is about revenge. I do think the one person who would get her though is Sanemi and Giyuu would be very perceptive but fail to know what to say to her with his dollar store communication skills. But he doesn’t feel bullied by her. The poking scene was very much so giving annoying ass best friend. In fact the only person Giyuu is genuinely upset by is Sanemi when he talks shit about him (and people will say they hate each other. Dude if they did, he just wouldn’t care wtf Sanemi says). Which makes the whole scene where Shinobu tells Sanemi to ask Giyuu out for salmon daikon even funnier cause 1 Sanemi agreed, if he really hated the guy he would have said fuck that but truthfully Sanemi is trying to understand this guy’s problem so bad 2 Shinobu knows Giyuu wants to be friends with Sanemi, it’s the equivalent of your friends forcing you into interacting with your crush like bro

And please don’t apologize for it cause I’m an even worse yapper lmao. But genuinely where did this Giyuu gets bullied by the whole team thing even come from. Show me one instance in the whole series where he got insulted and went and sulked or cried about it. He bites back. Even if they did get delusional enough to destroy his haori, you think he won’t fight them to the death on it? And even still it’s a nonsensical scenario to imagine because the hashira wouldn’t do that?? Like what series did these people watch. They may poke and tease each other but they’re hashira and they hold themselves with honour and professionalism. Main goal is defeating demons not messing with their coworker. Also if you think any of them, fully understanding Giyuu’s backstory, would laugh at him (genuine take I saw) then you simply misunderstood, well, everything. Even if Sanemi and Obanai think Giyuu’s a little bitch, they don’t doubt his loyalty to his duty or his capabilities as a slayer and they respect him on that turf. They just think he’s stuck up, ironically because he’s such a good slayer. They’re not gonna fuck with him like that just cause ugh

Lol nepo baby Giyuu is just a stupid inside joke an anon started here. Basically just how Sanemi had to fight for his life every day tooth and nail hunting demons till daybreak without a nichirin sword. Like he suffered so much so young, and then he meets Giyuu, same age as him but the seeming embodiment of never having to go through every bit of suffering he did. Like you mean to tell me he was cutting himself up to intoxicate demons meanwhile Giyuu was specially trained under the best water hashira’s tutelage. He was the only student to survive final selection under Urokodaki’s training? And then he has the audacity to become a hashira so young and not care about the fact he’s a hashira. In Sanemi’s eyes Giyuu acts like the position obviously belongs to him so it’s practically beneath him to be there. That they are the ones who have to prove themselves to him as being deserving rather than the other way around. And yes Kagaya loves Giyuu even if Giyuu is his most depressed emo sayer in the whole corp but it’s because he’s so miserable that Kagaya pays extra attention to him. But he basically has all the help, all the support, all the backing, all the talent, everything. And Sanemi is like yeah fuck this guy, thinks he’s so cool😒😒 (he is)

And yes, Urokodaki technically makes appearances but only through letters really. Giyuu is sort of avoiding him for reasons that become clear in the fic 😭 but they write to each other a lot.

He loves you.

He loves you.

The monster loves you.

There's also Tanjiro…just there to witness Akaza get a boner over not only Rengoku but also Tomioka. Tanjiro, rengiyuu son, witnessing the demon he have a personal beef with trying to put the moves on both of them must've had Akaza fucked up. No wonder Akaza wanted his ass dead. Tanjiro was a sole witness to both rejections. I would beef with a child too if they witness my failed rizz game 😔.

On another note, how do Tanjiro and Nezuko (in your fic) react to not only rengiyuu dating but also sanegiyuu? I always found the idea of Tanjiro + Sanemi beef to be funny especially in the context of sanegiyyu.

Hi anon!

Rengiyuu truly is such a tragic ship when you consider Akaza. They're fighting spirit and fighting skills were just way too powerful. Of course Akaza turned into the most obsessed down bad demon to ever live once he saw them. Even in the Kyo fic I'm writing on the side, Akaza still does not leave that man alone even after mugen. Like this guy was so impressed with his fighting skills he said he'd rather have him dead instead. Talking about "let's fight each other forever" YOU ARE GAAAAAY!! Smth smth men create intricate rituals to touch each others skin

Akaza needs to genuinely foot Tanjiro's therapy bill. Killed his adoptive parent right in front of him then tried to kill his other one right in front of his fucking salad. Number 1 op.

Also I feel in some way this is relevant to bring up now cause FUCK MY HEART! This fandom is like enjoying being blitzed repeatedly by sledgehammers

Hi anon!

i’ve been saying this for ages — but i wish demon slayer was longer as a manga. it would’ve been so nice to see the hashiras play more of a role and form a better bond as a group by sorting through the different dynamics they have with each other and clearing any misunderstanding through basically filler episodes or some shit. (i was dragged into this fandom by found family hashira only to find out the found family in question was a lie. the family is on fire. the family is going through a divorce and a death in the fam too.

i wish we got to see more of the hashiras now i think more on it. like obanai backstory could’ve been shown way earlier so we can witness the change he has leading up to the final battle. i wish we could’ve seen more interactions or how exactly the hashiras go by their day as pillars to the rest. omg i wish we could’ve seen more of the hashiras reactions to giyuu (third in seniority as a hashira btw) sparing a demon and placing his life in her hands too. like why wasn’t this expanded more during the aftermath of the meeting? like imagine your co-worker being so contradicting. like one minute he’s aura farming and being nonchalant then boom. he became a single mother of two.

i wish we as a fandom can understand the characters we favor more smh. like giyuu was a hashira from age 15-16 (i like to go with 15 for angst), he has such honor to him and he is a man driven by duty yet haunted by guilt. he’s so interesting yet the fandom dumbs him down to “emo” “depressed” “suicidal” like guys can we be fr. giyuu is passive at best, but isn’t almost all the demon slayer corps members are? they are in an organization doomed to ruin them. but giyuu does not cut himself, he will not let himself die without witnessing his goal of all demons to be killed. we don’t even talk more on how the corps literally recruited sanemi bc of his unorthodox methods. his own suicidal tendencies.

but lemme not even get started on that bc i will crash out guys.

sanemi and giyuu dynamic could be so complex yet everyone is a COWARD as far as ik 😭. like here’s giyuu tomioka — a hashira for at least half a decade, accomplished with so many achievements under his belt, one of the strongest amongst the hashira, and yet he can’t see his own strength and assumed he’s underserving of his position. we know why sanemi could assume he thinks giyuu is better than him but for sanemi to even have this idea, he has to acknowledge giyuu skills and strengths. he has to hate that. bc giyuu is everything sanemi isn’t and vice versa. giyuu was trained under a former hashira (lol my fav nepo baby of the corps) which sanemi may have viewed that as a privilege when he had to work from scraps (and in his eyes that must mean giyuu was all prodigy rather than hard worker when it’s the opposite).

i’m actually so intrigued by your fic and it’s not even out yet lol. i’m so interested in how you’re going to showcase their dynamic. i also saw that it’ll have rengiyuu?? loll giyuu moving from his dead childhood bf to the co worker who always saw the best in him to sanemi. his number one hater. his fav ragebait victim. also the guy who sees the worse in him…oh it’ll be funny but sad.

anyways enough of my rant here’s my actual questions or whateverrr: what motivated you to write this fic like what was your inspiration? what are you most excited to have your audience read about in your fic? also what’s your fav duo in this fic and your most underrated duo that you randomly thought of making them interact and you was like “wait…they lowkey eat as a duo. slay ig”

Anon, I’m living for these asks rn cause I have told zero people about my fic in depth except my teddy bear (he’s tired of me lol). That post exam holiday freedom is hitting me so hard, the idea for the just hit me like a pile of bricks at the perfect time and I’m having so much fun with it. I’ve always been a heavy literature and lit analysis lover so it probably helps with my analysis cause I really like reading between the lines and seeing what makes people tick. Saw a TikTok comment earlier today talking about how sanegiyuu is a fetish ship because they never showed any romantic or even platonic feelings towards each other and have nothing in common. I was like wow, it’s one thing to be a homophobic dude bro but to even go as far as to ignore the fact post war they became friends and it was clear the only reason they weren’t before was the misunderstanding is crazy. I hate mischaracterization. I don’t know why but it genuinely is my biggest pet peeve. I don’t mean like hc’s like I’m not insane and intense or anything. I love characters being hc’d as different sexualities or having different backstories etc. But I just can’t stand it when the fundamentals are changed. Like there’s this creator on TikTok with an AU where Tanjiro did kill Giyuu that day in the woods and proceeded to hunt people for Nezuko. It’s such a far cry from the Tanjiro we know because Tanjiro is just so kind, it’s difficult to imagine he’d do such a thing. But they did such a good job at maintaining the fundamentals that it feels believable. His visions of his family warped to urging Tanjiro to keep Nezuko alive. His indecisive in the swordsmith village on whether to save those people or save Nezuko was so revealing. The only reason Tanjiro ever became a slayer was to save Nezuko. Even when he saw Daki and Gyutaro he noted how close him and Nezuko could have ended up like them. Giyuu saved them from a corruption of both their souls in more ways than one.

Truly there is a lot in demon slayer but it requires deep analysis because it’s hidden between the lines due to the story being underdeveloped. I don’t pretend it’s the best most well written thought out anime/manga to ever be made. After all it was Goutoge’s first piece. But as far as criticisms go, “we wish there was more” is the best response you can hope to get from your audience. There’s so much implied that these characters interact behind scenes but we never get to see it. Even that tiny scene where Mitsuri cooked pancakes for Tanjiro made me so happy because we rarely get to see these guys interact outside of plot essential scenes. And it was so cute cause they really are just a bunch of kids

Like Sanemi and Giyuu are supposed to be so very professional and put together and they are but at the end of the day, they’re still just a couple of 21 year olds. They should be in the club, not dealing with the horrors of supernatural war. Genuinely Giyuu adopting Tanjiro and Nezuko is an insane move but you consider the fact he’s just 21, emotionally repressed and stunted, and probably hasn’t been hugged since he left Urokodaki’s place and you’re like yeah it’s like kids bringing home random ass stray cats they found on the street without thinking about rabies or anything. It reminds me of this ep in Naruto when Sasuke, Mr Nonchalant CEO, actually acts like a kid for once thinking about what was hidden below his seniors mask. Yes Giyuu was nuts for randomly coming one day and vouching for these two to the point of seppuku if they fell short, I really wish we got more reactions after that. Even with Kyojuro’s death? We didn’t even get an informal hashira meeting or anything. I don’t know something to show they were actually united and talked to each other. It could have happened on screen but we wanted to see it come on :(

Okay but on the part of nepo baby Giyuu, it’s funny to think that Sanemi already is fuming about this guy only for him to be like “hey this is my younger adopted brother. Mr Nepo Baby new gen and he gets to keep his demon relative alive with him.” Yeah I don’t know how Sanemi didn’t actually murder Giyuu after that meeting. Truly people are cowards because of mischaracterization. So much abusive alpha Sanemi who just has anger issues but not enough people want to actually go deep into understanding just why Sanemi is so angry with Giyuu and how complicated their relationship is. And the characterizations of Giyuu as an uwu can’t stand up for himself crybaby make me wanna chew drywall. That man did not go out of his way to use his yearly speech count to call Sanemi simple minded then act like he didn’t say anything when asked about it just for fandom to think he won’t bite back if somebody starts something. Even when he fought Akaza he said he did not appreciate being thrown around like a rag doll and that extends to people talking shit to his face (although considering he is the 3rd deadliest man in Japan, that list is very short). Him and Sanemi would go bar for bar, hit for hit. The hashira worry that Giyuu is trying to start a fight not Sanemi. There’s a reason why and it’s not because Giyuu is Mr Fragile. He has pride and honour. The only reason he doesn’t say anything when Sanemi starts his ‘you think you’re better than us’ thing is because either way he still thinks the hashira shouldn’t associate with someone like him so what’s the point of clearing misunderstandings when the truth is just as bad, if not worse.

Also isn’t it funny how Giyuu is upset that Tanjiro didn’t master water breathing well enough to be the water hashira. But he also thinks Tanjiro is hashira level just a month later. Yes it’s partly because of Tanjiro relying on sun breathing, but Giyuu whether he realizes it or not is using his own skills for a litmus test here. He wants Tanjiro to be better than him because he feels he isn’t that good to begin with. But he quite literally made his own water breathing form and mastered the style in a way no other breather ever managed to. The cognitive dissonance this poor guy has pls

As for my fic, yes it’ll have rengiyuu! I’m very excited for their scenes together but the fic is canon compliant (for the most part) so I think you can guess what’s gonna happen to Kyojuro. I feel the manga put more emphasis on their interactions but even then they were limited. But Giyuu and Kyojuro seem to talk even more than Shinobu and Giyuu and yet people overlook their dynamic very easily. But even in the anime when Giyuu talks about Kyojuro a little speech bubble pops up next to him saying “love him” obviously as friends and for including him but yes he clearly cares a lot about him. Why didn’t we get more? Even in Kimetsu Gakuen, Kyojuro goes out of his way to include Giyuu even when Giyuu is excluding himself. He never forgets him :( if Giyuu got cursed he’d 100% try to help him in any way to his dying breath

My inspiration for the fic was quite literally Apollo hitting me with a giant red dodgeball to the face. I was thinking of forced proximity and how good of a trope it is for these two. Then I thought about the fuck or die trope by extension. Then my angst loving brain just kept turning it until I said well enemies who have to fuck while enemies is overdone, what if they had to fall in love first? Hmmm. Then I ended up with this monstrosity of a fic. As for my most excited thing for the characters to read, it’s definitely one of the later chapters when Giyuu and Sanemi start to get closer and start to open up to each other more and more. It’s post war so the only thing they have pressuring them or holding them back is themselves. It’s very cute I think, and very ‘oh god he’s looking at me don’t panic, don’t panic, don’t panic, I’m panicking’. Fave duo is Tanjiro and Giyuu cause Tanjiro is like the little angel of common sense and opening up sitting on Giyuu’s shoulder. Underrated is Nezuko and Giyuu cause I feel the anime mostly treated her as a plot device. I feel especially post war, she’d have a lot to say and a lot of feelings on things that would help Giyuu take that final step towards taking a hold on his desires.

i’m so interested in your fic such as the details of it all and the plot. i’m so hoping that my fixation on kny doesn’t go down by the time you upload it and even if it does, i’m sure your fic will get me right back into kny.

i do wonder if you’ll write the water bros in your fic and their shenanigans bc i feel like the kny manga was too rushed to truly delve into the potential of their dynamic.

i’m also so excited to see how you develop sanegiyuu. i hope we get to read the fic of yours soon!!

Anon, I hope you know I giggled in my bed for 5 minutes after getting your ask. You’re so sweet this made my whole night and gave me even more motivation to keep pushing through my fic🥹💕

I’m really new to kny, and anime really. Kny was my first and I only watched it so my brother would have someone to watch the movie with. Didn’t even watch it properly cause I basically watched a summary then only managed to binge the first season then fell asleep during the movie cause I was just so exhausted from staying up all night trying to marathon run the show. But I watched it properly finally and I love it sm. Enough to make me feel like I can write again and actually post it. So I get kinda nervous I might be talking out of my ass when I make those little analysis posts since I’m so new but I’m happy to know you think my interpretations are good☺️

The details and the plot are lengthy. I never wrote any long fics in my other fandoms and even then I never posted them anywhere. Now I’ve decided to write a fic that could very well be pushing to 100k when I’m done with it. I don’t know what I’m thinking. I’m just hoping my own fixation won’t end before then. Just need to hold out for a couple months and speedrun this thing then even if I accidentally fixate on another show, editing the fic will make me gain my passion back. Plus I can always just rewatch lol, that always does the trick for me.

But basic outline is Giyuu gets cursed essentially by a demon and his life will end in a year unless he reverses the curse. The only person who knows is Sanemi. Will killing the demon be enough to save him? Will Sanemi keep quiet and not tell anybody like he promised to? I don’t wanna spoil too much when I’m hoping to post it just a week from now but yes, it plays with some popular tropes but in a less conventional way which you’ll see once it’s out.

As for water bros!!! I was legit just writing a scene for their main chap together. I think it’s really powerful how much Giyuu feels protective over Tanjiro despite them not even really having an arc together before hta like he did with Muichiro or Rengoku. But I still feel we couldn’t gotten so much more. Some understanding of why Giyuu feels so attached to this random boy he met in the woods (enough to change something fundamental within him). So 100% they’re in the fic and 100% Giyuu is fucking it up with his terrible communication skills but Tanjiro is very patient and perceptive. Their interactions are literally Giyuu saying “you should never have come here” to Tanjiro and Tanjiro being like does this guy actually hate me ??? Only for Tanjiro to smell all the remorse on him and to realize he means he feels bad for not keeping Tanjiro safe. But yes very much so brothers. Tanjiro isn’t letting go, no matter how bad Giyuu’s communication skills are, and neither is Nezuko.

With all the plot and everything Sanegiyuu’s development will be very much so slow burn. But every moment they share will be so absurd and intense, you’re left wondering how they haven’t realized yet. I’m very excited to slowly see them both cave into each other.

OH MY GOD I MISSED THIS COMPLETELY OMG!!

Literally never get any asks so I never check my ask box but it’s so sweet for you to so consider me :) as for 5 things that make me happy I’d have to say

1. Tea. Like gallons of tea. Bury me with my mug and a jug please

2. Watching anime with my brother (not like I’d tell him that)

3. My teddy bear. Still haven’t picked a name for him cause I never named any of my teddies as a kid but I wanna name him cause I love him☺️

4. Writing! I’d sworn to never pick it up ever again at the start of this year cause I thought I was really bad at it and was too shy to even post anything but I changed my mind and also didn’t write for like 10 months now it’s one of my happiest past times

5. Drawing. I’ve been putting it off cause I’m busy trying to write my fic but I’d started on a kyojuro drawing. I’m not stellar at it or anything even though I took art for years but I’m decent enough. Trying to decide if I should leave it pencil or add colour. Maybe oil pastels. I feel his hair would look cool like that

You think of Giyuu finally unlocking his mark with Akaza because for the first time, he felt like he had a genuine chance of truly losing, and he still lasted over half an hour fighting him. He is undeniably strong. The level of strength he holds is only dampened by the reminder that there was once someone better than him who he feels both deserved the position more and could've done the job better. He does not take pride in his work because he doesn't believe there's anything to be proud of when he's such a failure. He sees it simply as his duty, and he carries it out accordingly as efficiently and detachedly as possible. To the reader, it makes sense. His aloofness is a result of his survivors guilt. To Sanemi, though, he sees how strong he is, how easily he can defeat a demon while not even breaking a sweat, and he feels like Giyuu doesn't take demon hunting seriously. Like he's mocking the rest of them for not being as strong as him. How easily he makes his own breathing form and separates himself from the rest of the riff raff. But the reader, accounting for his survivors' guilt and his feelings of inadequacy, recognizes the quiet sadness in his breathing form being a complete control of emotions, bordering on lack thereof. Devoid of feeling, devoid of colour, just empty.

The only person who almost equally matches Giyuu is Sanemi, with Sanemi just slightly beating out Giyuu by an inch. Where Giyuu beats Sanemi out in precision and agility, Sanemi makes up for it in brute force and crude battle tactics. Giyuu having nothing left in this world, taking little to no pride in his work, sees himself as an imposter in borrowed clothes and borrowed life. Sanemi takes pride in it because it's all he has left. He sees himself as a murderer. The idea of going to heaven probably doesn't pass through his mind because he simply can not forgive himself for killing his mother. He even willingly goes with her to hell. There isn't much he's proud of, but he does take pride in his work because it's the only thing he can accomplish; murder. It's why he gets so sensitive when he thinks someone is mocking him. He doesn't have any illusions about being the smartest, or the most handsome, or personable, or likeable, or temperate, or anything. In fact, he makes sure to lean even further into these aspects to solidify his persona as a killer, as nothing but a means to an end.