I call everyone dude

“he’s a red flag” “she’s a green flag” I’m a white flag. I give up bitch

hey man I found a piece of your soul stuck in the text messages of old friends you don’t speak to anymore. do you want it back

hmmm why does my uterus hurt and why do i feel kinda off. weird. surely these are not the warning symptoms of a predictable biological process that occurs on a regular schedule. anyway. im going to wear white pants today.

now that i am a real adult i am starting to realise. media lied to me about the availability of rooftops to go hang out on. every day i wish i could be hanging out on a rooftop somewhere looking cool as fuck

Glasses people love to make you try their glasses on to see how fucked up their eyes are. It's a sign of respect in their culture.

guy who says "FUCK!" to every minor inconvenience x guy who says "oopsie daisies" to earth shattering catastrophes

wish i could call in bitchy to work

sorry boss can’t work today. i woke up and i feel like a total cunt. can’t be trusted with customers

does anyone hve any sin recommendations i just fell from the garden of eden five seconds ago

Sodomy

Sodomy

i don't know man, i just wish that we could [suddenly realising i'm coming dangerously close to expressing a real and earnest thought instead of filtering everything through several layers of intangible running bits] blow up the entire world. or something.

you will ALWAYS catch me being pathetic on tumblr.com

I hate the “open floor plan” that everyone is obsessed with in houses now. I want nooks and crannies and bizarre floor plans. I don’t need to be able to see what someone is doing on the other side of the house. I want places to hide and lurk and dwell in the shadows. I am the beast who awaits in the labyrinth