crapjokes

H.P. Lovecraft walks into a bar. The barman says "Why the long face?"

What do you call an Irish drug dealer living in America? Flogging Molly.

I took my tomcats to get neutered today. No hard felines.

I bought a Venus fly trap today. All I need now are some flies from Venus to keep it alive.

My wife said she's leaving me because of my obsession with American sitcoms. Happy Days. 　

I let out a really loud fart in the restaurant last night. The bloke sitting at the table next to me said, "That's disgusting. If you do it again, I'll tell the manager." So, me being me, I decided to do it again. He instantly walked up to the manager and complained. Fucking bastard, got me sacked.

I was bearing down on the keeper with the ball at my feet, he came out shouting and waving his arms, evidently trying to put me off. He was unsuccessful, I rounded him and unleashed a ferocious shot.. And completely smashed his beehive to bits.

I saw some ducks in the park looking at their reflection in the water. I'm pretty sure they were practicing their teenage slut face.

"Doctor," says the receptionist, "the patient you just treated has died on his way out the door. What should I do?" "Just turn him around," says the doctor, "so it looks like he died on the way in."

What is six inches tall and goes 'buzz buzz buzz'? Mrs. Lightyear.

"Can I have a double Jack and coke please?" I slurred. "Don't you think you've had enough, sir?" He replied. "What? Listen dickhead, I could out-drink anyone. ANYONE! Do you hear me? I've been drinking for three days and am going to continue drinking for the rest of the week. Nobody is going to tell me I've had enough. So, can I have a double Jack and coke please?" "Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step out of your vehicle."

For lent, I have decided to give up sexual innuendos. It's so hard.

Why doesn't Mike Tyson play Playstation? He's an Xboxer.