The ruins of a crumbling Kastle

“Perhaps it was a dream, she thought. Perhaps if she pinched herself, she would wake up. But she didn’t want to wake up. She wanted to stay in this dream world where…”

she was the one who finally got the life the had longed for. She was the one in the spotlight. Even if this didn’t last, she wanted to cherish every minute of it. Her song was out there and the whole world wanted to hear it. Her talent and passion was on display and  it was accepted. Her eyes began to glow as she listened to the radio playing her voice. A tear started to fall on her smiling face. He reached over to wipe it away. “It finally happened honey. I am so proud of you.” He grasped her hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

She couldn’t feel it. She was too numb from everything that was happening. Her dreams finally came true. The hours staying up late to work on lyrics and chords, the lack of sleep from working two jobs to keep the bills paid. It all finally paid off. A million possible futures were running through her mind. He could see the worry start to cross her face. The music stopped suddenly. She looked over to him as his hand moved away from the power button. He looked her straight in the eyes, not taking a moment to glance away. “No matter what happens now, know that I will ALWAYS love you. I will always be here for you.”

“At first we thought the black liquid was oil, that we’d struck it rich and that we’d be able to retire and live in leisure. We actually started writing down all the ways we’s spend the money. Our first choice was...”

For a year and a half before moving to Colorado, I was living by myself. I didn’t have to worry about washing any dishes but the ones that I used, and I only had to worry about myself. It was so wonderful. I was able to walk around nude if I really wanted to. I was free of restrictions. 

When I moved to Colorado, I didn’t have a job yet, so I had no choice but to live with others. That actually the only reason that I did move. My friend needed someone to help her with rent, so I came to the rescue. I thought that it would be a breeze. I had lived with many people that were not a great fit for my lifestyle. My friends seemed relaxed like me and not too heavy on the parties. I didn’t see what could go wrong. 

Little did I know that living with people again would make me very self conscious. I am aware of everything that I do and most times, I try not to do it. I hide in my room and try not to make any noise. I do not to be a burden to them. This was their place before I moved in and I do not want to impose. They already have their own way of doing things, and my mind tells me that anything I do will just mess that up. I do not want to be the roommate that they roll their eyes at when they hear that I am actually alive and doing something. 

As one part of my brain is telling me to just stay in my room and not leave when they are home, the other part is saying that you pay just as much rent as they do and you have a right to use your lights and electrical appliances as much as you would like. You should be fearless in the middle of the night when you want that late night snack or glass of water. If they do not like the way that they do things, then they can find someone else to live with them and help pay the bills. 

Since my brain is having this internal battle, I drift awkwardly in the middle of it all. I can not tell you how many times I have turned the volume on my music or movies down because I thought it was too loud, then turned it up because I couldn’t hear it. I would just go back and forth.