CoyoteSong's Writing

As the plane touched down outside of New York City, you could feel your nerves begin to get the best of you. As the plane had gotten farther and farther from home, you'd started to withdraw more and more into yourself. Not wanting to worry Bucky, you'd pretended to be asleep. He didn't have a chance to call you on it, though because the boys kept him busy the entire flight, asking him question after question about the rest of the team.

The boys were eager to meet the Avengers at the compound. You, on the other hand, were not. You hadn't been back since you ran away. You hadn't seen the team or even really talked to most of them for longer than a quick phone call. How would the team react to your return? How would you react to your return?

Tony had arranged for a car to be waiting in the parking lot for you guys to drive upstate. You'd refused his offer to fly in on a Quinjet or be picked up by one of the team. The less attention your family drew, the better. Besides, it would give you more time before you had to face everyone. More time to come to terms with what was coming, the awkwardness where there used to be peace. There was a time when walking into the compound would have filled you with the relief of coming home. Now, it felt like you headed into the unknown, and you couldn't be sure how it would end.

George continued chatting with Bucky during the drive. It was clear he held no ill will towards him for going on the mission. James was a different matter. While he was willing to join in with conversations to learn about the other Avengers, he wanted nothing to do with talking to Bucky about his life. Bucky had tried to ask him questions to get him talking again, but James had stubbornly refused. At first, you'd considered stepping in, but it hadn't taken long for you to realize that was probably one of the worst things you could do. James was already struggling with everything, he needed to know that you were on his side - always. So, you let it be.

As you pulled up to the gates surrounding the complex, it began to feel like hornets were raging under your skin. The nerves ran rampant through you, and you found yourself thanking the years of training that you were able to hide it from the boys. They needed you to be strong right now. Bucky recognized the barely concealed panic on your face as he pulled up, and his hand found its way to yours. As your fingers intertwined, he gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

Sam and Steve were waiting out front when Bucky parked. You got out of the car slowly, forcing your unwilling muscles to move. The boys climbed out of the car, excitement shining on their faces, and you moved to stand between them, your hands resting on their shoulders and holding them close to you. James rolled his eyes playfully, smiling at you as he assumed this was just you being overprotective again. In reality, their presence was the only thing grounding you, keeping you from running from this place as you had done so many years ago.

You took a steadying breath and headed over to meet Sam and Steve, the boys still on either side of you. You and the boys gravitated towards one another, closing ranks as you moved to face the unknown. Little tells flashed across the boys' faces as they talked to one another in their heads, and you found yourself wishing desperately that you could know what they were saying. George's hand found his way to yours, and you smiled down at him. His hand in yours was the anchor you desperately needed, but it wasn't clear if he was holding on to you for his comfort or for yours. Bucky lingered slightly behind your family, and for the first time in a long while, he found himself the outsider.

By the time you reached the others, Bucky had caught up to you and had moved to stand next to James. James rolled his eyes and ducked behind you, slipping into place on the far side of George. Your eyes tracked James as he moved, but you said nothing. A quick glance at Bucky's face, and you could see the frown that settled over his features. If the boys couldn't figure this out, you'd have to find some way to step in, and you certainly weren't relishing that thought.

As you looked over the two avengers in front of you, you found yourself comparing how they looked now to how they looked then. There were new scars, and their ages were beginning to show. Sam's laugh lines had deepened over the years, and Steve's eyes had the first traces of wrinkles. A lot could change in 8 years.

Before anyone could speak, you found yourself snapped up in Sam's arms. George's hand slipped from your own as you froze in the embrace. Thoughts raced through your head, and you lingered, unable to hug him back. It wasn't until his arms began to pull back that you broke through the spell that had locked you tight, and you grabbed him tightly. When the hug finally ended, the smile on Sam's face settled your nerves. So far, it didn't seem like he was holding a grudge against you.

"It's good to see you, [Y/N]" Sam's voice was warm, welcoming and you were eternally grateful for that.

"It's good to see you too. I missed you guys," your smile was genuine this time. The butterflies in your stomach seemed to settle down a bit at least, their fluttering changing from an all-out techno dance party to a slower waltz.

"You must be the twins." Steve smiled down at the boys as he stepped back from the hug he'd given Bucky.

Before you could introduce them, James spoke up, his voice firm and sure, "I'm James, this is George." James' gaze flickered to you as if checking that this was alright before turning back to the men in front of him, "You must be Steve. And Sam."

"That's right, your dad's told us all about you," Sam spoke this time.

"I'm not sure how much Bucky knows about us, so I'm not sure what he's told you, but hopefully it's good." James' response was instant, and awkwardness settled in over the group quickly.

On the one hand, you couldn't be prouder of James' ability to throw shade. You'd never hesitated to say what needed to be said when you felt it was deserved, so you couldn't rightly blame him for it. On the other hand, you're his parent, and while you weren't stepping in on his relationship with Bucky, this was out of line. Before you could decide what to do, though, Steve interrupted the silence.

"Only the best. Do you guys want a tour?" Steve ignored the dig at Bucky, and when George immediately agreed and began to ask questions, he began to head inside, the boys hot on his heels.

"Well, he's your son alright." Sam snickered quietly once the boys were out of hearing distance.

You sighed and nudged his shoulder with your own, "Absolutely. I didn't realize I was such a bad influence on him, though."

"I don't know what else you expected, honestly. Of course he was gonna turn out like you." Sam returned the shoulder nudge, and the two of you began to follow the boys and Steve inside. You fell into conversation with him as easily as you always had, and you were eternally grateful for that.

What neither of you noticed was Bucky hanging back. He hadn't moved since Jame's comment. If you'd looked back or even glanced at him once, you'd have seen the look on his face. But you didn't. Instead, the boys had gone after Steve, and without a second thought, you'd fallen in with Sam. It wasn't until the door shut behind you and Sam that he finally moved, bringing up the rear.

~~~~~

Next Chapter ->

When you’d made the decision to quit your high paying job to take your dream job even though it paid less, you knew you’d have to be smarter with your money. It only made sense then that when you heard about a local farm offering up to 3 boxes of produce for $15 that you take the deal. You’d eat what you could fresh and freeze or can the rest to make sure you had fresh(ish) food for a while. The only downside was you had to pick it yourself. What could go wrong with that?

You’d barely slept the night before, having stayed up late binge watching your favorite show, and so you started the day exhausted. It only got better when you arrived at the farm with your 3 boxes and realized it was a rather warm day. You didn’t really see any issue with it, until you started picking in one of the hot houses. A lot of the produce was already really picked through and you were struggling.

By the time you moved to the outside fields, you were already sweating and cursing yourself for having forgotten to bring a water bottle with you. You had been working at a desk job lately, so you weren’t in the best shape of your life. As the box of produce grew heavier you decided to take it back to the car and grab one of the empty boxes, make it a little lighter to maneuver.

As you headed down the rows of vegetables, you noticed the heat stroke was really settling in. You could see your car, it wasn’t even a quarter mile away but it felt like it was going to take hours to get there. When you finally reached the shade of the barn, halfway to your car, you took a seat on the ground next to your box.

“Are you okay? Do you need any help?” her voice was pleasant and you found yourself blushing, embarrassed at being caught like this.

“I’m fine, I left my water in my car” you lied, not wanting to admit that you hadn’t even thought to bring one with you at all.

“I can watch your box if you want to run and get it?” she offered, frowning at the exhaustion evident on your face.

“No thank you, I’m not far” you pointed at your car.

She tried protesting, but eventually she gave up and headed out to the field herself when you promised her you’d be fine. After she left, you leaned back against the wood of the barn, eyes shutting as you let out a low groan. It was bad enough you’d forgot to bring water, but now people were noticing the weird girl just relaxing against the side of the barn. You weren’t a big fan of the fact that you obviously looked like you needed help, but you couldn’t bring yourself to get a move on just yet.

“Can I help you, ma’am?” a man’s warm voice spoke, and you jumped slightly. You hadn’t even heard anyone approaching.

“No, I’m fine. I’m just gonna die here and then you can have my box” you chuckled, refusing to open your eyes. You didn’t want to see whoever it was - with your luck it would be a hot guy and you’d be sitting here, drowning in sweat and dying of heat stroke.

His laugh was soft and you couldn’t help the smile that slid onto your face as he spoke, “Well we can’t have that. You’re too pretty to die here among the tomatoes.”

At that you cracked one eye open, eyebrow raised. It took your eyes a moment to adjust to the bright sunlight and you immediately found yourself wishing you hadn’t looked. You’d been right when you assumed he was of course going to be handsome, but it wasn’t until you spotted the metal arm that you realized who he was. Of course you’d meet Bucky Barnes when you were dying of heat stroke and looking like complete trash. Just your luck. Couldn’t meet him on a day when you were looking good or even just feeling good, nope. Not you.

It wasn’t until he laughed again, louder this time, that you realized you’d spoken those last thoughts aloud and you let out a groan of frustration, leaning your head back against the barn. Sometimes, you really made the worst decisions.

“Come on, Doll. Let me help you to your car.” Bucky picked up your box in one hand and held out the other one to pull you up.

“It’s fine, I am more than happy to just wait to die here, Mr. Barnes.” you groaned, but when he didn’t budge you placed your hand in his and let him pull you to your feet.

The two of you walked in silence over to your car and he slid the box of produce into the backseat. You on the other hand immediately sat down in the passenger seat, exhaustion over taking you.

“Hey, where’s your water? You really should drink something.” Bucky’s voice finally broke the quiet.

You let out a nervous chuckle, “Okay, so, don’t laugh, but I may have forgotten to bring water with me.”

“Stay here. Do not go anywhere.”

“Couldn’t even if I wanted to.” you smiled when he looked at you puzzled, “That would require me moving and I’m good here.”

Bucky rolled his eyes playfully and jogged away. You hadn’t even noticed the other Avengers were here as well until he reached them. Your eyes traced the faces and you named them as your eyes wandered. Captain America, Tony Stark and his family, Black Widow, Falcon, and Hawkeye. He leaned over the small cart and grabbed something, talking to them. Suddenly, it seemed like all of their eyes were on you and you wanted nothing more than to just go back to dying against the barn. You waved half-heartedly before placing your hand over your face, hoping you’d just disappear. Embarrassing yourself in front of one Avenger was bad enough. All of them? Well, this would be the memory keeping you up 50 years from now - you were sure of it. When Bucky finally returned, he was holding two water bottles. He unscrewed the top and handed it to you.

“Yes, sir” you saluted him playfully before taking the water from him. You chugged that thing like a frat guy at a toga party.

Bucky raised an eyebrow before handing you the second one, and when you began to sip that one he finally spoke. “I don’t think you should be driving anywhere for a while. Where do you live, doll?”

For a moment, you hesitated, unsure if you should answer. Yes he was a guy you’d never met before, but he was also an Avenger. If you couldn’t trust an Avenger with your address, who could you? When you finally gave him your address, he smiled. It wasn’t far from the compound at all.

“Can I drive you home?” his voice was soft now, reassuring.

“You don’t have to worry about me, soldier. Go have fun with the other Avengers - just stay out of the hot houses. Those things are death traps.”

“I won’t be having any fun at all if I’m worried that the prettiest girl in New York is driving home in this condition. I’d hate for you to get hurt.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere, Barnes.” you snickered before continuing, “No but seriously, I’ll be alright. You don’t have to worry about me. Besides, you don’t even know my name”

“[Y/N] [Y/L/N].”

You blinked slowly, “Well that’s not creepy at all there.”

He pointed at the security badge hanging from your rearview mirror, “Besides, you’d be doing me a favor. Clint’s really driving me up a wall and this is the perfect excuse for me to escape. Help me?”

The puppy dog look in his eyes was enough to do you in, and you sighed, handing him the keys. He waved once at the team, and as he shut your car door you could see Tony and Clint shooting him double thumbs up. He climbed into the driver seat next to you, and the smile on his face was enough to make you glad you’d met him today.

~~~~~

By noon, you were back in your room and showered, the scent of chlorine having finally been scrubbed from your hair. You’d slipped into your favorite pair of pajamas following the shower and now you sat in front of the mirror, slowly combing through your hair. As you combed your fingers through your damp hair, you soon found yourself lost in thought. A knock on the door drew you from the trance you’d slipped into.

“Come in!” you called, watching the door in the mirror.

The door opened and Nat stepped in, shutting the door behind her. She took a seat on your bed and studied you silently for a moment. Your eyebrows drew together, puzzled, and when she patted the bed next to her you got up and sat next to her.

“What’s going on, Nat? Is everything okay?”  you asked curiously.

“I should be asking you that. I know you didn’t forget to file a report - we do them together, remember?” she waited for your answer, her eyes searching yours.

For a moment, you considered keeping the lie going, but when you met her gaze you decided against it.

“I asked Steve to pull me from missions.” you offered, wondering if she’d push it farther.

“How come?”

“I’ve been really down lately. Everything’s just been so hard and the other day I woke up and realized I don’t really care if I’m alive tomorrow? Like I’m not going to race out and y’know, but I’m also not sure I would care if I was dying?”

“Oh, Солнце” her voice was soft as she placed her hand on your thigh, “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?” you tilted your head slightly.

“I should have noticed you weren’t feeling well. I didn’t mean to make you fight alone.”

“Come on Nat, that’s not your fault.” You bumped your shoulder against hers.

The flash of a soft smile lit up her face for a moment, “Well I’m here now. You’re not in this alone. No matter what your head says, this isn’t a battle you’re fighting by yourself.”

You swallowed heavily and looked down at the quilt you kept on your bed, thoughts racing through your head. Nat’s hand found it’s way to your chin, and she gently turned your head to look at her again.

“What’s going on in there?”

“It’s nothing - don’t worry about me, it’s fine.” you tried to smile, but it was more of a sad grimace.

“I’m a spy. You can’t really think I’d believe that lie. Tell me what’s going on, please.” her voice was soft, but strong, and you knew she wouldn’t let this drop.

“I feel guilty. You guys don’t need to worry about me, I’ll be okay. I didn’t mean to worry anyone, and you don’t have to help me. I don’t want you to feel guilty for not realizing it or feeling like you’re not helping. I don’t want to be a burden. My mind, my problems” you sighed.

Her hand moved to cup your cheek as you spoke, and her eyes hardened, her voice remaining soft as she spoke, “You could never be a burden. Ever. You’re one of us, and I will always be here for you because I love you - and the same goes for the rest of the team. You’re a part of this family, and if you weren’t here we’d be missing a big piece of us. You’re always here for the rest of us, no matter what. You’re always quick to comfort one of us when we need it, or help out when Clint catches the flu. But I’m not just here because of the things you do for us. You’re amazing, and I love you. I’m here with you because I want to be here with you, not because you’re a burden. And you’re not getting rid of me - I’m going to stay right here with you until you’re feeling better, no matter how long that takes.”

By the end of her speech, tears were flowing down your face. You weren’t sure who instigated the hug but you found yourself wrapped in Nat’s arms. Her grip was firm and you found yourself thanking the universe for giving you her. As you stayed in her arms, you couldn’t help but feel like maybe there was a chance to win this battle.

With Steve, Clint, Bucky, Nat, and the rest of the team by your side was there anything you couldn’t take on? Sometimes all you needed was a reminder that you weren’t fighting alone, and if the last few days had proved anything it was that you had people who loved you and would stand by you until the bitter end. With them, there was no way you’d lose this battle - no matter how long it takes.

~~~~~

If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.

The team got back the next day from their mission. Steve had been right when he’d told you they could handle it, and you were grateful for that. Everyone was glad to be home - until Tony reminded them that they were hosting a charity gala that night. Usually you enjoyed getting a chance to dress up and hang out with the team, but you just weren’t feeling it with everything going on. Steve caught your eye when Tony made the announcement, his gaze questioning. When he saw the look on your face, he spoke up.

“[Y/N], you’re grounded so you’ll sit this out. Clint on the other hand? You’re coming because I know you’ll consider this a punishment.” Steve’s voice was firm and you rolled eyes to give a good show.

When Nat tried to argue on your behalf, you stopped her and told her it was alright. As the team dispersed to go take a nap before the party, you stopped to thank Steve. You walked him with him back to his room, and he asked how you were doing with everything. You assured him that the therapist had helped but it would be a bit before you were ready to join them on missions again.

That evening, everyone filed out to the gala. When they left, you slipped down to the pool. You’d always loved to swim, but you hadn’t taken the time to swim just for fun in a long time. Lately the only time you’d been swimming was on a mission or doing laps instead of going for a jog.

Friday was playing your playlist of favorite songs, the lights dimmed slightly as you floated on your back. The water temperature was perfect, the pool was always slightly chilly so the water was warm and you found your eyes drifting shut as you floated. It was peaceful at first, but the longer you floated alone, the more you felt the emptiness begin to creep back in. Not even your favorite music could keep the depression at bay tonight, and you began to contemplate going back to your room and just crawling into bed when the door swung open.

Everyone was supposed to be at the party, so when you heard the door, your eyes flew open and you turned to look at the door, trying to be as quiet as you could in the water. You let out a sigh of relief as you locked eyes with Bucky.

“How come you aren’t at the gala?” you asked Bucky, swimming over to the side of the pool closest to him.

He was dressed in his tuxedo still, “You know me, doll. That’s not my scene.” You nodded in understanding, as he kicked off his shoes and rolled up his pant legs. He dropped his feet into the water next to you, and kicked the water once, splashing you.

You splashed him back with a tiny water wave, and he chuckled softly. When he didn’t speak again, you went back to floating in the pool. The minutes ticked by, song after song playing while you both revelled in the silence. It was different with him there, even if you weren’t talking, just knowing Bucky was there brought respite from the loneliness that had been taking over earlier.

“I owe you an apology.” Bucky’s voice seemed to echo through the room and you turned to look at him.

“What for?” you asked curiously.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, you need to know that. I was on my way to talk to Steve and I overheard you guys - super soldier hearing sucks sometimes. I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable so I left.” you could hear the guilt in his voice and you swam back to his side. You pulled out of the water and sat on the edge of the pool with him, legs almost touching.

You placed your hand on his leg until he looked at you, “It’s okay, Bucky. I know you wouldn’t eavesdrop on purpose.”

He smiled at you softly, relieved you trusted him, “Are you doing okay?”

You thought for a moment before shrugging, “I’m not doing bad? But I’m not good so I mean I guess?”

Bucky nodded, “Before Steve found me, I wasn’t in a good place. I remember wanting to die - and I almost tried once. I was going to, but someone interrupted.”

No longer caring about getting him wet, you scooted over so you guys were touching, thighs pressed together. His hand found its way to your hip and pulled you tight against him, and you began to lightly scratch his back with your nails as he spoke. Bucky told you all about the problems he’d faced since leaving Hydra. He’d struggled with depression on and off since, fueled by the guilt of what he’d been forced to do.

You found peace in Bucky’s confessions, in his admitting he wasn’t okay. Sure, you may not feel like you had reasons as good as his to feel depressed but he was always so strong that him being vulnerable around you like this left you feeling less alone. If he could learn to talk to people he trusted when he needed help, maybe you could learn to as well. Asking for help wasn’t a weakness, and that was something you sometimes still struggled with.

As the night passed and the two of you traded stories you found yourselves lying back on the pool deck, your feet still dangling in the water. At some point, the two of you dozed off during your conversation. Steve found you in the morning, your head resting on Bucky’s chest, his arms wrapped around you. Smiling, Steve left the room and shut the door behind him.

Chapter Four (Final Chapter) ->

~~~~~

If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.

After meeting with your therapist, you made your way to the kitchen. It was late afternoon and your stomach was growling by this point. The kitchen was deserted, while you were in your appointment, the rest of the team had been called away on a mission. Steve had left you a message saying don’t worry they had it under control, but guilt still ate at you for leaving the team down a member. You didn’t feel like cooking, so you settled on making a simple sandwich. As you gathered everything and placed it on the counter behind you, Clint sauntered in.

He jumped up to sit on the counter, his legs swinging and a mischievous grin on his face, “I hear Cap grounded you too.”

You hesitated for just a moment before you nodded, unsure of what Steve had told everyone. The idea that he might have told everyone the truth left you nervous. it was going to be hard enough dealing with Steve being weird around you, you didn’t need everyone treating you differently.

Clint laughed, seemingly unaware of your nerves, “I can’t believe you forgot to file your report. In all the years you’ve been here, this is the first time. I’m so proud of you for coming to the dark side”

Relief flooded through you at his revelation of Steve’s cover story. “Yeah well, we all make mistakes. I won’t forget again.” You shrugged, as you finished putting together your sandwich, “So why are you grounded?”

“Me? Oh, well, just the usual. I was too handsome of course.”

You merely cocked your eyebrow, and waited for him to tell you the truth. It only took a moment for Clint to cave in the silence and he let out a long-suffering groan.

“I may have accidentally bet Thor I could hit a tree with an explosive arrow during the last mission. We thought we’d cleared the area but apparently we didn’t because the tree went kaboom and then Hydra came pouring out of a hatch in the ground like ants from an anthill. Thor was shot in the arm - he’s okay though!”

“Dumbass” you chuckled, putting away the ingredients. As you grabbed your sandwich and began to head back to your room, Clint followed along like a stray puppy. He chattered about his latest prank plans for Tony as you went back to your room, and it wasn’t until you reached your door and turned to look at him that he stopped talking.

“How long are you planning on following me?” you sighed, exhaustion beginning to creep in.

“Well I was thinking that since it’s just you and me we could have a movie night?” Clint’s voice was pleading.

The idea of being alone right now wasn’t something you enjoyed, but a movie night meant you’d be even more sleep deprived tomorrow. With a heavy sigh, you stepped aside so he could come in too, “Fine but we’re watching movies in here.”

“Deal!” Clint raced in and jumped onto your bed, grabbing the remote in the process.

As you settled yourself against the headboard, he sprawled out, his head towards the foot of the bed as he began to flip through the channels. Clint’s voice filled the silence, your occasional hums of agreement were enough to keep him going as you ate. By the time you’d finished your sandwich, Clint had settled on The Lion King, and you moved to lay next to him.

Clint sang along to every song during the movie, and you found yourself revelling in his presence. His attitude was infectious, and you were grateful you hadn’t turned him away when he asked for a movie night. The positivity was something you needed, and his presence felt like the anchor keeping your thoughts from floating off into troubled waters.

As movie night progressed though, your thoughts began to wander in a different direction, and began to feel guilty for lying to Clint. It wasn’t a big lie, saying that you’d been grounded for not doing your paperwork, but you’d never lied to him before and you weren’t sure this was something you wanted to start. When the movie drew to a close you sighed and bumped his shoulder with your own. He turned to look at you questioningly, but you spoke before he could ask.

“I wasn’t grounded because of paperwork.” your voice was soft, almost too quiet to hear over the opening of the next movie.

“I figured” he bumped his shoulder against yours in return, “But I figured you’d tell me if you wanted to.”

You flashed him a grateful smile, and leaned over to rest your head on his shoulder, “I asked Steve to pull me” you took a moment to gather your thoughts before you continued, “I’m not suicidal, but i’m not not suicidal.”

He didn’t speak for a moment, but his arm found it’s way over you and pulled you into his side. “I know what it means to be haunted by those thoughts. I’ve been there before.”

You moved closer into his side as he told you about his battle with depression when he was younger and how even now he still had bad days. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now sucks but you’ll get through this - you’re a hell of a fighter, and you’re stronger than your darkest thoughts. And if you ever feel like you can’t win, just come get me and I’ll help you kick your own ass.”

A soft laugh escaped from you as he finished his speech and you curled yourself into his side. He pressed a soft kiss to your forehead, and you turned on the next movie, Brave. For the rest of the night you traded soft jokes and playful insults with one another. When you finally fell asleep two movies later, you slept comfortably in Clint’s arms, grateful that you had friends to rely on when the dark got too hard to see in.

CHAPTER THREE ->

~~~~~

If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.

Steve was sitting at his desk, paperwork piled high in front of him. It was late, almost midnight, but you knew he’d still be here. He’d been away with Bucky and Sam for a few weeks and now he was buried under a mountain of reports to review and fill out. He didn’t look up right away when you knocked on the doorframe, but as he finished signing off that report he glanced up at you with a tired smile.

“Hey Steve? Can we talk for a minute?” you stood at his doorway nervously, arms slightly crossed as you traced your elbow lightly with your thumb. You met his gaze for a quick second before looking down at your arms.

“Of course, take a seat” his voice was gentle, like talking to a wild animal. You weren’t usually this reserved, so it wasn’t hard for him to catch on that something was wrong.

You didn’t move from where you stood, “It should only take a minute.” Silence descended as he waited for you to speak again.

“I don’t think I should be going on any missions for a bit.”

His brow furrowed and he laid his pen down on the desk, “Why not?”

A deep breath slid through your lips, “I’m not doing too well. I don’t want to actively die. But if I did die I wouldn’t really be upset? And it’s not fair to do that to you guys. So I think I should just stay home for a while.”

The tower was quiet at this time of night, it was too late for those with normal sleeping habits to be up, but too early for the nightmares to awaken most of the team yet. The stillness seemed to drag on forever after your confession, until Steve slowly got to his feet and moved to stand in front of you.

Steve opened his arms slowly, and waited for you to make the first move. You didn’t move as tears began to pool in your eyes but as the dam broke you stepped forward into his embrace. As his arms wound around you, you clutched at him like he was the last life preserver left on a sinking ship. Neither of you spoke for a long while, the muted sounds of you crying the only sound.

Once you’d cried yourself out, you stepped back out of his grasp and smiled at him sadly, “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t ever be sorry for not being okay, Doll. You don’t have to be okay all the time. It’s perfectly okay to not be okay. Do you want to talk about it?”

You nodded and he guided you to take a seat on the couch in his office, and he handed you the blanket he kept draped over the back. As you settled in, he heated up water in the electric kettle he kept in his office for late nights. You zoned out, collecting your thoughts, and you weren’t sure how much time had passed before he handed you a mug of hot chocolate with mini marshmallows. Steve took a seat next to you on the couch and you sat facing him, your back to the armrest and the blanket covering your lap as you sat criss-cross.

The two of you talked all night, and he offered you small words of comfort as you talked, careful not to interrupt as you told him everything. By the time the first traces of sunlight crept through the window, you’d shifted to lean against his side, his arm draped over your shoulder as his thumb gently traced circles against your skin. You dozed off as the sun came up in the distance, but Steve didn’t move or say a word.

Steve stayed with you until your therapist came in later that morning, and as you headed off to meet with them, he hugged you tight. You shot him a quick smile as you headed into their office. Things weren’t magically going to get better, but as you stepped through the door you couldn’t help but remember that old saying, Things Are Always Darkest Before The Dawn.

CHAPTER TWO ->

~~~~~

If you need someone to speak to, but don’t feel comfortable reaching out to friends and family try the suicide hotline.

One month after he left, Bucky found his way home to you. He didn’t text or call first, but when you came back from your shift at the Diner he was sitting on your porch. The boys were on a scout camping trip that Ty was chaperoning, and you were holding down the fort at home. When you pulled up, you froze for a moment, unsure if you were really seeing him.

As you got out of the truck, you studied Bucky. He was covered in bruises, bandages and stitches were sticking out from under his button-up shirt. His eye was black, swollen shut. When he got to his feet, you could see he was moving stiffly like everything hurt. 

You stopped in front of him, and tears began to flow as you looked him over. “Can I..?” you held out your arms like you were going to hug him but stopped, not wanting to hurt him.

He stumbled forward into you, his arms holding you against him tight as he could, not caring about the pain. You buried your face in his shoulder, and he leaned down to press a kiss to your head. When he let out a few broken sobs you didn’t move, only pulled him closer, one hand coming up to lightly brush through his hair and soothe him. Neither of you let go until his breathing steadied, and when you did step back, your hand grasped his, not wanting to lose contact with him. You led him inside and steered him towards the couch.

Rex and Zeus bounded towards the front door but at the sight of Bucky, they seemed to realize now was not the time - or at least Rex did and he herded the young rottweiler to keep him out of the way and down the hall.

He looked down at the light tan couch then at his blood-stained clothing and shook his head, and you gently pressed on his shoulder, “Sit Bucky. I can buy a new couch. I can’t buy a new you.”

The cut on his forehead had started bleeding again, and when he finally sat you stepped into the kitchen to grab the first aid kit. Your phone chimed as you were grabbing it, and when you saw it was from Nat you stopped to read it.

Is Bucky there?!

You frowned and responded quickly, He’s here. I’ve got him, what happened?

Nat’s response was instant, Thank God. Keep an eye on him, okay? He wasn’t technically discharged yet. It was bad, I’ll let him tell you when he’s ready. Let us know if you need anything.

I will. Is there anything in specific to watch out for or know?

You brought the first aid kit to the living room and sat on the coffee table in front of him, the first aid kit sitting next to you. Your hand reached up to touch his face, and he leaned into your palm. You kept your hand there, cupping his cheek as you cleaned the cut with your other hand. You applied butterfly strips to the cut to help keep it closed. 

Slowly you pulled your hands from him, moving to the first button on his shirt. You waited for him to nod his okay before you began to unbutton his shirt. You bit back a gasp as you looked at his bruised and beaten body. If you thought what you’d seen originally was bad, you hadn’t seen anything. Every inch of him was a different color, and a long thin cut ran from his collarbone down to the left of his belly button. It was fresh, light scabbing holding it together. With Bucky’s advanced healing things never got this bad so seeing him like this was a shock, to say the least. 

“I’m sorry” his voice was so soft you could barely hear him and it broke your heart. 

You scooted forward on the table, your legs entangling with his as your hands moved to cup his face. He leaned into your touch, bowing his head as he leaned forward. You pressed a gentle kiss to his head before you spoke.

“It’s okay Bucky, you’re home. It’s alright, love” you whispered. It seemed wrong to talk at a normal volume like you’d break the spell.

“I’m sorry” he repeated, looking up at you with his one good eye. 

“You made it home Bucky, that’s enough. I swear.” 

“Are you mad at me?” he glanced down, unable to meet your eye.

“Hey, look at me.” you waited for him to look up, “I was never mad at you, Bucky. Not really. I was scared. I was scared I was going to be left alone again forever, and that the boys were going to lose you right when they started to get to know you.”

His gaze fell to your lips, and you slowly leaned in, pressing your lips to his, you moved slowly and only lightly touched him, afraid to hurt him. As soon as your lips touched his, he leaned forward, deepening the kiss. His hand came up and tangled in your hair. When he moved towards you, he let out a low hiss of pain and you broke the kiss, panting. 

“We’ll continue this when I’m not worried about you bleeding out on the couch, okay?” you smiled at him softly.

He chuckled softly, “I’m holding you to that” 

You rolled your eyes playfully and glanced over at the clock, “Do you think you can keep real food down, or do you want soup?” 

“Real food sounds good, but I don’t know if I’m up to chew steak or something like that” Bucky yawned. 

You got to your feet and headed into the kitchen, “Real food coming right up.” You turned, hearing shuffling behind you and saw Bucky following you. You raised an eyebrow in question, watching curiously.

“I just… I need to see you” he admitted softly, embarrassed.

You nodded and pulled out one of the stools at the kitchen island, motioning for him to sit. While you got to work cooking a simple macaroni and cheese, Bucky never let you out of his sight. Rex finally stopped herding Zeus, and the rambunctious pup came racing over to smell Bucky. Rex followed and took a seat next to him. 

“Is this Zeus?” Bucky asked, looking down at the young rottweiler. 

“Yeah, he’s still learning manners” you chuckled softly.

Bucky glanced over at the clock then down at himself, “When will the boys be home? I - I don’t want them to see me like this” 

“They’re on a scout trip with Ty, they won’t be back until tomorrow afternoon.”

Bucky didn’t answer, and you cooked in silence. Zeus finally settled down for a moment before bounding out the doggy door Ty had helped you put in last weekend. When you sat the plate of homemade bacon mac and cheese with a salad in front of Bucky, he smiled at you, “Thanks.”

“Hey Buck?” you paused, getting your thoughts straight, “Thank you for coming home. If you hadn’t… Just, thank you.” 

While you’d grown used to Bucky not being there, a part of you had feared he’d never come home again, and that killed you. It was different before, as far as you’d been aware he was dead and you could move on - or try to. This time, it was just a bunch of unknowns and that had killed you. If things had gone on much longer, you’d have called Fury and demanded an update. 

“I shouldn’t have left” he admitted, “There was no way I wasn’t coming home this time.”

“You’re an Avenger, Buck. Duty called, and you had to go. I get it” you rested your hand on his forearm, “I remember what it’s like, babe, even if it scares me.”

Dinner passed quickly, and after washing the dishes you led him upstairs. Bucky was covered in blood and dirt, so you slowly helped him undress and into the shower. He pulled you in with him, and you went willingly.

Your fingers lightly massaged the shampoo into his hair, and when he stepped back to let the water wash over him, you watched the dried blood and dirt leave him. The warm water didn’t just wash away the dirt and blood, but it seemed to wash away all the worries and the burden he carried. 

That night, Bucky fell asleep in your arms. A few times during the night he jerked awake, yelling and fighting. Each time, you waited for him to blink awake and as soon as he recognized where he was, you pulled him back to you. He hadn’t had nightmares like this for years. Back when you’d first got together, he’d still had nightmares from Hydra at least once a night, but over time he’d stopped having them. Whatever he’d seen, whatever he’d faced had brought them back. 

The next morning you woke up before Bucky. He was asleep on his back, and you propped yourself up on one elbow to look at him. He looked better than he did last night, some of the bruising and cuts had faded already. When he began to stir, the beginning of a nightmare setting in, you began to hum softly, carding your fingers through his hair until he stilled. When he awoke a few minutes later, he blinked up at you and smiled softly.

“I love you” his voice was heavy with sleep. 

“I love you too, Buck”

He reached out with his metal arm and pulled you against his chest. Luckily, you were asleep on his better side so you curled into him, your head resting on his chest, legs tanging with his. You lay like that in silence for a while, in no rush to leave the safety and comfort of the bed. 

“One of them… he had powers, like Wanda but not as strong. He could see into your mind and make you see your nightmare” Bucky spoke softly, “Hydra had me, and I watched. I couldn’t do anything,” his voice broke, “They killed you and the boys and I couldn’t stop them.”

“We’re alright” you pressed a soft kiss to his chest, “I’m here and the boys are with Ty and the other scouts up in the mountains. We’re all safe, I promise. And so are you.”

“I know” he swallowed thickly and looked up at the ceiling, “I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you though, doll.”

“Hey” you reached up, gently grabbing his chin and making him look at you, “You aren’t going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. We need to figure out what we’re going to do moving forward, but whatever we do, we’re doing it together, alright? We’re all gonna be on the same page.”

“Are you sure you still want me?” Bucky’s question so silent you almost missed it. 

You moved your left hand so it was in front of his face, showing off the ring. You’d taken to even wearing it at night since he had left, and right now you were grateful for that. “Bucky, you’re not going to drive me away. Ever. It’s you and me against the world, remember?” 

The nightmare he’d faced while on the mission had brought back his old fears and insecurities. It had taken him two years to accept that you were there to stay last time, and you were prepared to reassure him however many times it took. When he only nodded, you knew you’d have to keep telling him, but you didn’t mind. 

“I think we should plan a trip to the complex. All of us. As a family.” you sighed, you’d been dreading it but knew it had to come. If you and Bucky were going to decide what was best for the family, it had to be an informed one. 

“Are you sure you want to go back there?”

“Nope. But that’s why I need to. I can’t keep hiding from the past forever, right?” you hesitated for a moment, “You’ll stay with me, right?” 

“Wild horses couldn’t drag me away” he reassured you, “I promise I’ll stay with you as long as you’ll let me.”

“In New York or..?” you asked, smiling up at him.

“As long as you’ll have me.” he returned your smile, rolling to pin you under him. 

If it wasn’t for the animals, you’d have stayed in bed until noon. When you finally pulled yourself away from him and out of bed, the animals were excited for breakfast. By the time you finished feeding everyone, Bucky was in the kitchen making pancakes and bacon for you both. While he seemed to be in a better, stabler, mood right now you knew from experience the uncertainty would come back in waves. You’d just have to be ready to reassure him that you really weren’t going anywhere and he was enough. 

Over breakfast, you planned your trip to the complex. The kids had a three day weekend coming up, so you decided you’d pull them from school for the Thursday and Friday before to get you 5 days in New York, long enough to get a real feel for it but not too long. 

You sent Ty a quick text, letting him know Bucky was there but not to tell the kids yet, Bucky wanted to surprise them. While you waited for them to get back, you and Bucky cuddled on the couch, watching Food Network while you talked. 

“George won his first barrel race two weeks ago. Falcon started limping so one of the older competitors let him borrow her horse for the race, George was so excited. The vet says it’s about time for the old man to retire. George is taking it hard. He’s excited about the idea of a new horse, but Falcon’s his main man. I think he’s taking it better once I pointed out that Falcon wouldn’t be going anywhere, we’ll just have to clear out the other stall in the barn. He still feels bad though, says he’ll be betraying Falcon. The vet’s going to come back out this week to talk to him about retirement. Honestly, I think Falcon would love the idea of getting to just lounge around in the pasture and relax all the time.” you sighed, catching him up on the latest. 

“James got his cast off on Thursday and he’s already asking when he can start skateboarding again. I told him that’s up to the doctor. We had a heart to heart about wanting to try the vertical drop in ramp, and I told him he can try it again once the doctor gives his arm the all-clear IF he can get someone who really knows what they’re doing on it to show him. I’m scared he’s going to seriously injure himself, but if we don’t make sure he does it right with a teacher, he will get hurt for sure. He’s been working on training Zeus though since he can’t ride. At this rate, it won’t be long before that pup knows just as much as Rex.”

Bucky listened as you talked, offering small words of advice or encouragement as needed, but he mostly was happy to just sit back and listen as you told him about the family. Your voice was calming, smooth as you talked and he found himself thinking he could fall asleep to it. 

When the door flew open an hour later, Bucky didn’t jump this time. He slowly got to his feet and turned to watch as James and George ran in, laughing and arguing. They froze when they saw Bucky and looked over at you. Only once you smiled encouragingly at them did they look back at him.

“How long until you leave again?” James’ voice was guarded as he spoke. He’d tried to play it off like Bucky’s leaving hadn’t hurt him, but you knew the truth. You could see it in his eyes whenever Bucky had almost been mentioned while he was gone. 

“I don’t know, bud. Unfortunately, that’s a part of being an Avenger” Bucky admitted, “I don’t like it, but I’ll be here whenever I can. I don’t like leaving you guys either. I love you guys.”

You weren’t sure if Bucky realized it, but it hit you that this was his first telling the boys he loved them, and you waited anxiously to see how they responded. James and George shared a quick look before James nodded and headed upstairs without another word. George ran over and gave Bucky a quick hug before following his brother. The door shut behind James gently, not at a slam and for that, you were eternally grateful.

Once the boys were upstairs, you and Bucky headed outside where Ty was unloading the truck. You could tell from the look on his face that something was bothering him, but when you went to ask him what was wrong he shook his head quickly, glancing up at the house before he looked back at you. Bucky looked at him curiously, but you nodded once.

“Ty, can you take a look at that stall? I know you just got back and you’re tired but I think if we can fix the door we can get it usable pretty soon” you offered, glancing towards the barn. 

“Yeah, no worries.” 

You chatted about random things as you headed down to the barn to keep up appearances. Once you slipped inside and stood in front of the broken barn, Ty turned so his back was to the house. 

“I think the boys are mutants or have powers or something and I know how crazy this sounds-” he took a shuddering breath, running his hand through his hair. 

“Probably not as crazy as you think.” you sighed, part of you had always wondered if the boys would be affected by their father’s serum or DNA, and if so what form it would take. “Just start at the beginning, what happened?”

The words poured from Ty in a rush, “So we were camping and they did their whole thing where they look at each other and have a full conversation without speaking and then have a full answer ready to go. And later I reminded them not to do that in public because it might weird people out. And George said it wasn’t fair, so I asked what wasn’t fair. He asked why other people were allowed to do it but they weren’t. Turns out, the boys both think that when we do the whole ‘yes’ ‘no’ silent debate thing with our faces we’re having full-on conversations. In our heads. Like they are. So basically I think the boys can read minds or at least each other's minds and they just assumed everyone could to some degree.”

Bucky looked to you, eyes wide at the sudden revelation. Your mind raced through all of those silent conversations the boys had had in the past, your mind tracking them back. All of those weird moments, all the unspoken communication and always know what someone was looking for suddenly made sense. You pursed your lips and let out a heavy sigh, “Can’t say it really shocks me I guess.” 

“I’m sorry what?” Bucky finally spoke, looking at you and Ty like you’d both grown second heads, “I have a lot of questions.” 

“Fair enough, Buck. But right now we’ve got one thing to decide. Do we confront them and ask them? Remember, we learned sometimes powers can lie mostly dormant but once the person realizes they have them things can get real weird real fast? Do we talk to them about it now or wait until we can talk to Wanda and see what she says?”

It only took a moment for Bucky to decide, “We’re going to the complex next weekend, right? I’ll make sure Wanda’s there and we can go from there I guess? She’s our best expert in this department.”

 Bucky glanced over at the very stressed looking Ty, “Hey. What’s your deal?” 

“The whole mutant thing -” Ty started before Bucky cut him off.

“What? If the boys are mutants that’s it for you?” he growled, 

Ty waited calmly for Bucky to finish, “No. They’re still my nephews, Fartface.” you bit back a laugh, glad that apparently that nickname of them all had stuck. Ty continued, “I’m more worried about how everyone else is going to treat them. You think you were worried about people finding out they’re the kids of 2 Avengers? You don’t hear the talk about mutants that goes around. People aren’t kind to them, and I don’t like what will happen if people find out about the boy’s powers. If they have powers? Are they mutants? What’s the science here?” 

Bucky sighed and apologized to Ty before he turned to you with an eyebrow raised “When do I get to know what this whole Fartface thing is about?” 

You merely shrugged, “When you stop acting like a Fartface.” Your thoughts raced and you continued, speaking to both men this time, “So the boys are likely individuals with powers. If they have powers we’re gonna have to get them a teacher and make sure they don’t tell people about it. We’re not getting them on any registers or records as mutants anywhere, that’s for sure. If it's ever revealed or an issue, it’s a side effect of the bastardized serum running through Bucky. And to be fair, that’s probably not a lie. Agreed?”

“Agreed. I’ll go call Wanda” Bucky nodded, pulling out his phone as he left the barn and headed to the lakeshore. 

“Are you okay with him being back?” Ty asked, keeping his voice low as he watched Bucky. 

You nodded, “Yeah, yeah. We talked, and I think we’ll be okay. We just have to figure out what happens next. I think I want to stay here but maybe moving back to the complex is a good idea - or at least near it - particularly if the boys are gifted.”

“Y’know, I’ll miss you if you leave.” he sighed, pulling you into a side hug.

“You could always come with us.”

“Yeah, that won’t really sell the rumors that you and I are more than friends” he chuckled, ruffling your hair with his fist. 

“Who cares about rumors so long as we all know the truth?”

“Yeah yeah. Go get your man” Ty pushed you gently towards Bucky before he took a quick look at the stall door, “And so you know this will take like 2 minutes to fix. But I’m not doing it now. I’ve been camping in the woods with a pack of boys for a weekend. I need a shower” he chuckled. 

You stuck your tongue out at Ty and he laughed, waving goodbye as he headed back to his truck. Looking up at the house, you saw James and George looking out the window at you and you waved at them, smiling. George waved back eagerly and James made a funny face. You made one back and ended up in a funny face competition while you waited for Bucky to finish his phone call. 

The idea that your sons were gifted didn’t scare you, at least, it didn’t scare you that they had powers. You’d spent years around gifted individuals before you left the Avengers. What scared you was how the world would treat them if they found out the truth.

~~~~~

Next Chapter ->