a robby whoâs been repressed for so many years and a whitaker who gets off on it (f slur and general homophobia/transphobia warning. not angst tho.)
as w some of my previous yappings, I like a trans whitaker headcanon for this, because itâs interesting to me for a repressed robby to see his attraction towards whitaker asâŚnot quite gay. (in this hc, whitaker hasnât changed his name or shows up as F or smth in the system, so robby knows from the get.) yes, this is a very transphobic sentiment, but I do think itâs realistic to robbyâs characterâI believe he has biases that he doesnât fully accept. so, I donât think heâd ever say it aloud, but heâs not having an identity crisisâŚbefore whitaker becomes fully lodged under his wing. it quickly becomes apparent to robby that this is a man, not just for lipservice, but in the way whitaker carries himself, moves through the world. whitaker has full confidence in his manhoodâand it makes him all the more attractive to robby. oops. maybe robbyâs identity crisis happens on his own, but maybe his identity crisis becomes apparent to whitaker eventually. because robby canât stop asking questions, the type of questions that would typically annoy a trans person.
âwhatâs it like being trans?â is the overarching one, asked multiple times (and meant to be neutral, like âwhatâs it like living in [neighborhood]â âoh thereâs this great coffee shopâŚâ). whitaker doesnât know how exactly to answer, saying something vague about the state of the world, so robby has to get more specific. âwhatâs your dating life like?â (âoh, hah, Iâm not reallyâŚseeing anyone. too busy.â) âis it any different being trans?â (âyeah, I guess? I wouldnât know the, uhm, other way around?â) âhow long have you been on hormones?â (âa few years now. on and off. moneyâs tight, yâknow?â)
but the kicker is: whitaker gets self-conscious about a loud, squeaky voice crack in the middle of a particularly-challenging intubation, and even more self conscious when garcia/park (take your pick) tease him. he complains later about it to robby, and robby says, âwell, youâre still early in your transition; the voice cracks will let upâ.
whitaker wasnât early in his transitionâhe passed 99.9% of the time, save for one particularly drunk femme at a lesbian bar santos dragged him toâand for a few days, it really made him even more self-conscious. he even complained about it to santos, and though she and robby also have a good relationship themselves, santos is quick to a pshhh sound and âwhat does he know? heâs so fuckin gay for hoorah semper fi soldier that he doesnât know twinks existâ
whitaker hadnât seriously considered robby being gay before that point, maybe besides some guilty jerk-off fantasies. suddenly, the questions from before click into focus. robbyâs having an identity crisis over his attraction to whitaker. when whitaker realizes, heâs standing, and he feels his knees wobble just a bit at the weight of the realization settling on his shoulders.
when they finally have a sexual encounter after months of mutual crushing, robbyâs still in the stage of [whitaker is a man + Iâm attracted to whitaker = gay????], and heâs trying so hard to deny it, but whitaker is just as much a man in bed as in life. heâs got initiative, frankly, pushing robby onto his back and holding down one of robbyâs wrists as he rides him and leans down to kiss him.
but instead of the doubt and worrying thatâd plagued robby before, he feels that deep pride that comes from self-discovery, especially of this kind. and when whitaker teases him by calling him a fag, he comes early and harder than he ever has in his life.
both of them continue to use the word to their advantage, the pulse in their intimate areas whenever itâs used. âyou like it, you fuckin fag?â is muttered by robby as he shoves whitakerâs head into a pillow, AND by whitaker as he palms robbyâs package through his pants, whispered in the older manâs ear.