Smosh For The Soul

She was falling for Amanda again. Shockingly quick, because her heart hadn’t forgotten what it felt like. The feeling was so familiar, Courtney couldn’t help but be comforted by it. It was cozy. It was like coming home. It was where she wanted to be, living inside that circle of warmth and safety. She hoped it was safe, anyway. It wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t. Courtney was in it now. The feeling was back, and she was being consumed by it. She was thinking about Amanda constantly and it was driving her just a little bit insane. It was growing increasingly difficult to keep her distance, which she’d been trying to do since the morning they made out and nearly fucked on Courtney’s couch. Courtney couldn’t lose her composure like that again. She had to maintain a level head. Dropping her guard around Amanda was terrifying. They hadn’t physically been in the same room since that morning.

There’d been texts, though, and Courtney was answering every single one. Amanda wasn’t an ordinary texter, either. She didn’t send memes or TikToks or insta reels. No. She was a yapper, and Courtney remembered it fondly, and was indulging it like crazy. It was making her realize that she’d missed Amanda in far more than just the romantic sense. She’d missed the friendship and the closeness and getting texts about random things throughout her work day. It was part of that familiar feeling, that comfort that Amanda brought so effortlessly. Was there a world where Courtney could survive simply being friends with Amanda? Probably not. The thought of watching Amanda give all her attention and desire to someone else made Courtney’s stomach turn over.

And that was her answer, wasn’t it. Her body gave it to her so easily. The image of Amanda putting her hands on or kissing someone else…Courtney could’ve vomited right there, right in the middle of a set of bicep curls. So much for using a workout to distract herself. She put the dumbbell down on the floor beside the bench, one hand reaching into her pocket for her phone. She wasn’t surprised at all to find that she had a bunch of notifications. One from Amanda. Two from Arasha. Courtney swept a sweaty lock of hair back from her face and sighed. She opened Arasha’s first.

Hey girlie. Are you free to get breakfast soon?

Just wanna go over wedding stuff

Courtney grinned to herself. What a welcome distraction. Hey! Yes, absolutely. ❤️❤️

She didn’t wait for Arasha’s reply. Instead, she clicked over into Amanda’s texts, a smile subconsciously coming back to her lips as she read the message.

I’m officially moved in btw. Do you like my new bathroom?

The text was accompanied by a photo. A selfie, actually, of Amanda in the mirror, wearing just a towel, her dark hair wet and fanned out over her shoulders. Courtney lost her breath for a moment, had to take a second to glance around her to make sure there were no gym patrons close enough to see her phone. She swallowed, her mouth suddenly dry, her eyes fixated on Amanda’s bare shoulders and the swell of her breasts, barely being hidden by the towel. She must’ve been staring for far too long because another text came through.

Do you like my new kitchen?

Courtney wasn’t surprised to see another photo come in a second later.  A selfie, again, and one that showed none of the kitchen in question. It was just Amanda sitting at the table, chin resting in one hand, giving bedroom eyes and pursed lips to the camera. At least she had clothes on in this  one. Her dark hair was fanned out in immaculate waves, curling so beautifully at the ends. Courtney was staring again, her heart doing backflips, her body filling with warm emotions. She loved Amanda so damn much. Why was she fighting it so hard.

Another photo popped up. In this one, Amanda was sitting on the couch, phone raised above her head while one hand rested on the empty cushion next to her.

My new couch is soooo comfy but there’s this big empty space 🥺

Courtney snorted at how simply adorable the message was. Why don’t you invite Ang and the boys over?? 🤔

Amanda was typing just like that. Courtney pictured her playfully rolling her eyes. I had someone else in mind.

Who??? Arasha??? Didn’t realize you guys were so close lol

Thinking of someone who’s NOT engaged

Courtney laughed out loud again. She probably looked fucking insane, sitting on a bench in the middle of the gym texting on her phone. Gonna have to give me more details. I really don’t know who you’re talking about.

Blonde. JACKED. Gorgeous green eyes. Cute as shit. Hotter than hell. Sexiest woman alive. Could literally rule the world if she showed her demos to a record label like I want her to.

Courtney bit her bottom lip. Amanda was so…God, she couldn’t even finish that sentence. She was just doomed. Her heart was already in Amanda’s hands. It wouldn’t be long before the rest of her was, too.

She sounds pretty great. Keeping up the teasing was her only chance.

Amanda ignored the feeble attempt. Come see me Court. Pls.

She closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing thoughts. She didn’t know what to do. She was terrified. I haven’t made a decision about us yet.

It felt impossible, actually. If she gave in, she could end up heartbroken and destroyed again. If she didn’t give in, she’d be miserable trying to be friends with Amanda while Amanda fucked other people. What if she fell in love with someone else. What was Courtney supposed to do then. Suck it up? Not a chance.

Her phone rang. Amanda had given up on texting all together. Courtney muttered a curse under her breath and stood up. She retreated across the gym floor, zig zagging through machines and coworkers and people just going through their routines until she was outside in the fresh air. Then, she answered the phone. As calmly as she could.

“Hi.”

“Hey.” Amanda sounded contemplative and quiet. “I’m sorry. I don’t want to pressure you into anything.”

Courtney sighed, eyes looking out into the parking lot and not really seeing a thing. “You’re not.”

“All right.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah. Of course. Anything.” Amanda was suddenly eager, like a dog being offered a treat.

“If I decide that I don’t want to get back together, what’s your plan? Are you going to move away? Abandon all of us again?”

“No, I wouldn’t.” Amanda’s answer was quick and steady. “I told you: this is where I want to be. No matter what happens with us.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Amanda paused for a moment. Then: “are you saying that’s your decision?”

“I’m just curious, I guess, how serious you are about staying.”

“I’m staying, Courtney.” Amanda replied. “Fucking Spielberg could call me tomorrow and I wouldn’t give a shit. Everything I want is here.”

The convictions weren’t changing. Every time she pressed Amanda, the sentiments were the same. She really wasn’t bullshitting. It wasn’t a trick. It wasn’t a game. Somehow, that made it even scarier.

“This feels so fucking surreal.”

“Why?”

Courtney shoved a hand into the pocket of her gym shorts, aggravated. She was starting to pace back and forth on the sidewalk. “I’ve imagined this so many times, Amanda. You coming back. You saying all these things, just like this. Maybe that’s why I’m having such a hard time believing you. It feels like a dream I’m going to wake up from.”

“Oh, Court.” Amanda let it out on a sigh. “Court, honey, it’s not a dream. I’m here. I’m real. I mean every single word I’ve said.”

God, it was so unfair. There was nothing Courtney could do. She was fucked.

“I’m so scared, Amanda. You know? I’m just scared.”

“I get it.” Amanda replied, once again steady as could be. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

Courtney took a second to breathe. She stopped pacing, choosing instead to close her eyes and stand there like an idiot. People were walking by probably thinking she’d lost her damn mind. She had. She really had. Amanda was running away with her common sense. “You can stop being so you.”

Amanda guffawed on the other end of the phone. “I’ve only ever been me, babe.”

“No. No. You’re an actress.”

“This isn’t an act, Courtney. Please don’t think that way.”

She knew that. Amanda was a lot of things. A liar wasn’t one of them.

“I just don’t know what to do, Amanda.”

There was silence for what felt like an hour. She imagined Amanda just sitting on her new couch, eyes shut, brain going a thousand miles an hour as she tried to figure out how to win Courtney over. “Courtney. Just come over. We can discuss it.”

That tactic was as good as any other, Courtney supposed. She was screwed, anyway. She wanted to go. Denying that to herself would get her nowhere. “Fuck. Okay. I’ll come over.”

“You will?!”

Courtney felt her stomach twist at Amanda’s enthusiasm. “Yes.”

“Perfect. I’ll order dinner right now.”

“Amanda…”

“What?”

“It’s not a date.” Courtney stressed the word as hard as she could. “I just want to talk.”

“You got it.” Amanda replied softly. “Whatever you want.”

Crazy choice of words. Courtney had to make herself breathe in deep again. “Thank you. Send me your address. I’ll be there soon.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

--

Somehow, Amanda knew tonight was make it or break it. She couldn’t fuck it up. She couldn’t press Courtney too hard or do anything to spook her. She had to be patient and let Courtney come to her. She couldn’t keep being an annoying, impatient asshole. It didn’t matter that she was still thinking about Courtney all over her. The confidence in her kisses and in her touch and the rasp in her voice when she threw Amanda’s flirtations back to her. Amanda could be normal. She could have a conversation. She just needed it to be the things she wanted to hear. She wanted Courtney to be with her. And while she didn’t think buying her own place in LA was the perfect solution to the problem, she thought it would prove her point that she wasn’t going anywhere any time soon.

Ten miles outside of downtown. Three bedrooms, two bathrooms, a huge backyard, fully furnished. Perfect for all the family gatherings she wanted to have. A place that she hoped would be her and Courtney’s home together. Obviously, she was going to keep that to herself for now. She wasn’t trying to spook Courtney, remember. That line of thinking was going to spook her, but Amanda was serious. She was so damn serious. So, she sat in her new recliner and waited patiently for the sound of a knock on the door. She had a bunch of unread texts and emails. She ignored them for now. None of it was important tonight. Her group chat with Angela and the boys included. They mostly sent links and memes anyway and Amanda never understood half of it.

Her anxiety was climbing, and she decided to have a bit of wine to subdue it. Just one glass. Just to take the edge off. It was going to be okay. She’d win Courtney over. The last two weeks of texting was enough evidence for her to know that she was getting those walls down. Courtney was starting to trust her. She could feel it. And it had nothing to do with the hot kisses and even hotter touches that’d happened last time they saw each other. It was the conversation and the banter and the feeling of connection and closeness that Amanda had missed so desperately. 

There came the knock on the door. Amanda practically sprinted to it, her heart lodging itself in her throat. This was it. Her last real chance to get Courtney back. For good.

She opened the door and there Courtney was, wearing a black muscle shirt and sweats. Her arms and biceps and tattoos were just out, and Amanda swallowed down a rush of need at the sight of her. “Hey there, sexy.”

Courtney gave her a warm smile as her hands slid into her pockets, and she walked over the threshold. “Hi. This place is fucking huge.”

“Yeah.” Amanda laughed, clicking the door shut behind Courtney. “I picked it with group hangs in mind.”

“You didn’t want to do a big blow out as a housewarming?” Courtney wandered over toward the living room, where she plopped right down on the couch. Good. She wanted Courtney to feel comfortable here. “Damn, this is comfy.”

Amanda laughed again, warmed to the core by Courtney’s laid-back demeanor. “I didn’t want a blow out, no. You’re the only person I wanted to see.”

“I think Shayne and Angela would be very offended by that.” Courtney teased, the smile returning to her lips.

“Eh, probably.” Amanda smirked. “But they know how crazy I am about you so they wouldn’t be surprised.”

Courtney’s pale skin lit up pink in a blush. “Come sit.”

Amanda went, putting her phone face down on the coffee table so she couldn’t be distracted tonight. She dropped onto the space beside Courtney and put out a hand toward her. “Hi.”

Courtney giggled. “Hi.”

Their hands stayed a few inches apart on the couch cushion. Amanda wasn’t going to dare to attempt it. Courtney was going to come to her. Amanda felt it. There was no reason to fret. “So, what’s going on? How was your day?”

Courtney furrowed her brow cutely, green eyes soft and bright. “Pretty average. Only had two sessions, so I was basically fucking around for three hours afterward.”

Amanda eyed her bare arms again. Swallowed sudden dryness in her mouth at the thought of them keeping her legs open while Courtney devoured her. Green eyes studied her a little closer. She wondered if Courtney could see her line of thinking. “Fucking around is doing wonders for you.”

Courtney dipped her head, flattered and a little shaken. Amanda remembered that Courtney took compliments like she didn’t quite believe them, which was absolutely insane. “I mean it, Court. You’ve always been hotter than hell, but all this muscle you’ve got now is such a turn on. If you don’t pin me down and fuck me senseless soon, I might go insane.”

Courtney’s eyes were on her again, and this time, they were flashing with hunger. Amanda licked her lips, thought maybe if she couldn’t get Courtney to be with her, she could at least get Courtney to put those gorgeous hands on her.

Except a switch flipped. Courtney’s eyes lost her and then she was scooting backward to get more distance between them. She ran her hands along her pant legs nervously, like she was trying to keep them to herself. “God damn it, Amanda. Stop that.”

Amanda laughed low and deep in her throat, absolutely unraveling from the need that was pulsing inside her. “Listen. If all you can handle with me is a friends with benefits situation, then I could be okay with it. It’s obvious you want me. And, fuck, do I want you.”

Courtney put a hand up, shook it back and forth in annoyance. “Amanda, stop. Stop.”

The distress in Courtney’s voice was like a bucket of cold water over Amanda’s head. “Fuck, okay. I’m sorry.”

Courtney sat forward and nervously played with the ends of her hair. When she turned to look at Amanda again, her expression was thoughtful, but her body language stayed tense. “We’re supposed to be having a serious conversation.”

Amanda let out a breath through her nose. Yeah, that’s what she was afraid of. No matter how times she kept telling herself Court was going to come to her, she wasn’t so sure she believed it right now. “I guess we are. I’m just terrified of what you’re going to say.”

Courtney shifted again, this time pulling her legs up onto the couch until she was nearly curled into a ball, forearms against her knees. “I’ve really thought about this a lot.”

Amanda didn’t like the way that sounded at all. “I’m listening.”

“I’ve been sitting with this for weeks now. And look, Amanda, I swear that I’m not doing all this thinking just to punish you or anything like that.”

“I don’t think that.” Amanda said quickly, just to quash any negative assumption Courtney could make. “I really don’t want to pressure you. I know I came back and just started saying all these things that I’ve never said to you before. I understand how that looks. You have every right to doubt me.”

Courtney’s green eyes watched her intensely. “It’s funny that you brought up the friends with benefits thing, because I thought about that, too.”

“Do you want that? I can give you that.” Amanda said, sounding pathetic even to herself.

Courtney huffed a laugh. “Amanda, let me finish.”

“Sorry.”

“It’s okay. And, no, I don’t want that. I can’t be friends with you. I can’t be any kind of friend with you because I don’t want you to see other people. It would make me so disgustingly jealous, Amanda, you have no idea.”

Amanda opened her mouth to shut that down, but Courtney stopped her with a hand again. The nerves were so clear in her body language as she sighed and began to wring her hands in her lap. “That was my thought process, you know. I was like, what if I can’t get over what happened in our relationship and we have to be friends? I was sick at the idea of you wanting someone else or falling in love with someone else. And for me, it’s like well, I haven’t been able to get past my feelings for you in three goddamn years, so there’s no chance I’d be able to move on if I saw you all the time and told myself I couldn’t have you.”

It was so honest and vulnerable that Amanda wanted to run from it. She was so used to running from it. She knew she couldn’t. That was the only surefire way to end up with nothing.

“So then, I was back to square one, right. What happens when you go back to your career? What if there’s another big project that you can’t turn down and it’s three months in another country again? You’re gonna leave me, and we’ll have to do the long-distance thing, and what if we just…dissolve? It happens, you know.”

“I’m not going to let it happen, Court.” Amanda surged forward to grab Courtney’s forearm, thumb rubbing circles into her skin. “You’re my priority. No matter what.”

Courtney’s expression grew even more serious, her bottom lip trembling as she tried to rein in her emotions. “See, you keep saying that, but how do I know that? They’re just words, Amanda. Words are fucking easy. And the truth is that you don’t know what’d you do if you were faced with the decision again until it happens.”

“I do know.” Amanda shot back, insistent and a little defensive.

“I don’t.” Courtney replied, eyes slipping into a look of defeat. “I’m sorry, Amanda, but I don’t. And I really don’t think…God, I really don’t think I can be with you if I’m going to constantly be in fear of that.”

It felt like being stabbed in the chest. She was open and exposed and left bleeding while Courtney flat out rejected her. She deserved it. She absolutely deserved it, but that didn’t make it hurt even an ounce less. She knew she needed to just accept that as Courtney’s decision and leave. She knew. Her mouth wouldn’t let her.

“I won’t go back.” She said the words plainly, easy.

Courtney rolled her eyes. “You have to go back.”

“I don’t have to do anything.” Amanda shot back. “If you didn’t have to live in fear of me leaving, you’d be with me, right?”

“Amanda, no. I’m not going to give you an ultimatum.”

“Can you just answer the question?” Amanda watched Courtney nervously fret some more. Shifting around in her seat, crossing her arms, looking away.

“Yes.”

“Yes, you’d choose me if there wasn’t a possibility of another role that could take me away from you?”

“Yes.” Courtney looked dead in the eye on that one.

“Then, I’m not going back. I want to be with you. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I’m so in love with you, Courtney. I can’t go back to living the way I was. If my options are you or being miserable without you, then the answer is pretty fucking obvious.”

Courtney stood up, an action that startled Amanda. There was a brim of tears in her eyes. “You’re not giving up half of your life for me. It’s your passion, Amanda. It’s your life’s work. It put this roof over your head.”

“And I’m grateful, but I don’t want it anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

Amanda got up, too. Frustration was breaching the surface of her emotions. “So, your answer is no either way. That’s perfect.”

“I don’t know what you want me to say, Amanda. We might love each other, but we don’t work.”

“Because you’re not giving us a chance to work. I fucked up, I get that, Court. Just please. Please.”

“I’m sorry. I’m in love with you, too, and part of that is knowing who you are. You’ll be happy for awhile, sure, but eventually you’ll miss it, and you’ll want it back and you’ll blame me for taking it from you. The same way you blame it for taking me.”

Amanda wanted to dig a hole in the fucking ground and live in it. She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t listen to Courtney blow up her entire life. If she didn’t find some way to get through, she’d be going back to New York with nothing. She put a hand to her hip and rubbed her eyes. She was surprised she wasn’t bawling.

“We have to be realistic, Amanda. You know? Maybe we aren’t meant to be.”

She lifted her head, offended by the idea. No. No. Her feet were moving without her brain fully processing it. What she did was reach out to gather Courtney to her, and crush their mouths together. It was her last-ditch effort. A literal Hail Mary. Courtney’s initial surprise gave way to surrender, her hands stroking along Amanda’s arms, her body arching close. Amanda kissed her deep and slow, tongue dragging against Courtney’s and drawing a heady moan out of her. Amanda whimpered back, repeated the action, ended up with one hand tangled in Courtney’s hair as she changed the angle and dove in again. She wanted to touch so badly. Wanted to slide her free hand down the front of Courtney’s body and feel exactly what the kiss was doing.

She pulled back from Courtney’s lips with a soft pop. Green eyes were dark and blown out. Amanda felt horribly smug. She wrapped her own hand around the one Courtney had pressed to her collarbone. It was cheesy as shit, but she gently led it until it was resting right over her racing heart. “You feel that? It does that every time I’m anywhere near you. It does that when I think about you and for God’s sake, Courtney, you’re all I think about. I could never resent you. I came back here for you. I knew what the risk was, and I took it, anyway, because that’s how badly I want to be with you. Nothing felt right without you.”

“I don’t want you to give up your career all together.” Courtney’s eyes were pleading with her now, hands sliding up until they were locked behind Amanda’s neck.

“Then, I won’t.” Amanda said, low and warm. “I’ll take an extended break. Make sure that you and I are rock solid. Then I’ll go back. I won’t pick any projects until we discuss them. Together. Then, I can fly you out to wherever I am for a couple days at a time.”

Courtney pondered it and pondered it and then pondered it some more. Finally, she looked back up at Amanda. “Do you mind if I step outside for a minute? Kinda need some air.”

Amanda instantly released the hold she had on the shorter woman. “Yeah. Yeah, of course. Take your time.”

--

The cool night air wasn’t helping at all. Amanda’s neighborhood was fucking huge, and her new house was way up on a hill, practically off to itself. The next closest neighbor was a mile or so away, down at the very end of the road. Everything was so damn still. She stood leaning on the hood of Amanda’s SUV, gazing up at the twinkle of stars. All the peace out here, and Courtney felt none of it. Her brain was reeling. Her body was in a tailspin. She’d never been so confused.

There were risks involved, obviously. She could say yes, and then she and Amanda could very easily crash and burn. Maybe it wouldn’t be Amanda’s career to undo them at all. They very well could just not be meant for each other. Emotionally and sexually compatible didn’t always mean forever. Courtney had to be prepared for that possibility. It would shatter her heart again. It would shatter Amanda’s heart and who knew what they’d be at the end of it. Friends? Acquaintances? Nothing at all? Their friend group would be a minefield. Still. Still.

Courtney wanted it. She wanted Amanda so desperately. To some extent she didn’t even give a shit about the risk of it failing. She just didn’t want to say she didn’t try. It was terrifying how much a certain part of her just wanted her to dive in. Do it. Fuck it. What was the difference. She was going to be miserable trying to ignore her feelings for Amanda, anyway. Why not attempt to be happy. If Amanda was to be believed, she was going to do everything she could to keep them together. And Courtney would, too. They wouldn’t fall apart from a lack of effort.

Wasn’t that all that mattered?

Even if it wasn’t, Courtney could live with it. At least their relationship would get the proper chance it didn’t get the first time. When it worked, it really worked. Courtney missed it. Why couldn’t she just let herself have it.

Fuck it. She was going to let herself have it.

She let her eyes wander up Amanda’s driveway, to the front door, and made her decision. If they were going to crash and burn, they would crash and burn together. It was like a weight came off Courtney’s shoulders as she walked right up the path back to the house. She felt lighter with the heaviness of the choice finally alleviated. She was about to make Amanda so happy and fuck, she was going to make herself happy, too.

She strode back in with an extra pep in her step, and found Amanda in the kitchen, sitting on the edge of the table, cell phone pressed to her ear. She grinned at Courtney’s entrance and lifted her phone away from her ear to put it on a speaker. A voice erupted from the other end.

“What’s up?!! Is that all you have to say? You’ve been ignoring me for like a solid month!!! Plus, you ditched me at that fucking meeting, which I’m pissed at you for. That movie was a fucking A24 production, and you ghosted.”

The context clues told her it was Chanse, Amanda’s apparently very pissed agent.

“I’m sure they found someone better.” Amanda said, eyes on Courtney.

“Amanda, they were going to give you 1.5 million to be in it!! It was like half the budget!!”

“Money’s not tight for me. It’s fine.”

“What? What the fuck are you even saying, Amanda? What’s this all about?” Chanse’s volume was hitting screeching levels.

Courtney laughed a little to herself, felt herself get warm with the knowledge that Amanda was serious about the extended break. That she really would focus on them first. That Courtney really was her priority. It made her feel so much more secure in her choice.

“I already told you.” Was Amanda’s reply, calm and still as could be.

“Oh, my God. Is this about the Courtney thing? I didn’t think you were serious.”

“I was – I am – very serious.”

“What does that mean, then?!” Somehow, Chanse grew more agitated. “Have you even looked at your emails?”

“I haven’t. It’s not important right now.” Amanda hadn’t stopped looking at her. Courtney wanted to combust.

“What the fuck, Amanda? Did you call me just to aggravate me?”

“No. I called you to tell you I’m taking an indefinite hiatus.” Amanda was even keeled, the smallest smile hiding in the corner of her mouth. “You can put it out in the press if you want. I really don’t care one way or the other. I just need to focus on my real life right now.”

“Are you insane? You have so much momentum. Why are you going to throw it away?!”

“I’m not throwing anything away, Chanse.”

“I really can’t talk you out of this?”

Amanda chuckled. “No.”

“Jesus. Whatever. I’ll put out a statement.”

“Thank you.”

“Yeah. You’re welcome.” Chanse huffed and puffed dramatically. “Just keep me updated. Please.”

“Will do. Bye, Chanse.” Amanda hung up the phone, didn’t even bother to glance at it as she put it down on the table behind her.

Courtney just stood there, glued to the floor, her emotions so overwhelming. Amanda was choosing her. What else could she do but choose Amanda right back.

“Are you okay, baby?”

She realized she was slack jawed and standing a good twenty feet away from Amanda. Clearing her throat, she crossed the distance. “Yeah, I’m good. Sorry if that was dumb and dramatic.”

“You’re not dumb or dramatic. You’re so fucking smart and so fucking beautiful and I love you so much.”

“Amanda.” She tried to hide her face as the blush heated her all the way up.

Amanda just smirked at her. “I’m sorry.”

“Sure, you are.” Courtney shoved her hands into her pockets to not touch Amanda. Yes, she wanted to get back together, but they needed to have an adult conversation first.

“Court, just tell me what’s on your mind.” Amanda put out both hands to grab at Courtney’s forearms and lead her closer.

Courtney obliged and found herself standing between Amanda’s open legs, thighs against the table. “I know what I want.”

“You do?” Amanda’s tone rose to a hopeful register. Courtney felt it worm its way right through her. Her heart thrummed along inside her, thrilled that she was finally listening to it.

“Yeah. Yeah, I do.”

“Well, don’t leave me in suspense.” Amanda laughed at her and slid her hands up Courtney’s arms until they were splayed over her shoulder blades.

Courtney rested her own hands on Amanda’s hips. Amanda inhaled sharply at the touch and took it as permission to lock her fingers together behind Courtney’s neck. Courtney just smiled. “I missed you.” She let the words just sit for a minute and studied the way Amanda’s expression became a little forlorn. “Everyone missed you, but I couldn’t even handle how much I missed you. Angela had Arasha and Spencer had Tommy and Shayne and Trevor are best buds. I didn’t have anyone to help me deal with just how fucking badly I missed you. They talked about you every time we hung out. I think that was part of why I’ve had such a hard time letting you go. You weren’t here, but you were everywhere.”

She didn’t want to elaborate on just how many songs she had written in her notebook during her time without Amanda. That’d been her only real way to cope. Herself and her guitar at 4am, working through anger and heartache and bitterness and everything in between. One day she’d show them to Amanda but today wasn’t that day.

Amanda leaned in close, used gentle fingers in Courtney’s hair to meet her halfway. “I’m here now. You don’t have to miss me anymore.”

Courtney closed her eyes and let the words wash over her. Amanda was there, and she was real, and Courtney didn’t have to keep imagining what it might be like to have Amanda back. “I love being able to text you whenever I want. I love getting to see you. I love being around you. It makes me feel calm and safe.”

“You are safe.” Amanda murmured. “I’m never going to hurt you again.”

Courtney opened her eyes. “You can’t promise that.”

“Maybe not, but I will never hurt you on purpose. I’m here, Court. I want you. I want us. I’m in it this time. No bullshit.”

Courtney couldn’t do a thing about the breathy laugh that came as her reply. It was her only defense from the tears that wanted to leak out. “I haven’t even told you my decision yet.”

“Shit. You’re right.” Amanda breathed. “This would be really embarrassing if you were about to send my ass packing.”

She laughed harder at the joke. No one could make her laugh like Amanda could. She supposed it was just further evidence of how down bad she was. She reached up to brush a stray curl behind Amanda’s ear and pretended not to notice the way Amanda’s breath hitched at Courtney’s fingers touching her cheek. “I’m not sending you packing. I want you, too.”

“Fuck. Seriously?”

“No bullshit.” Courtney gave her a smile and fluttered her lashes. “I want to be with you again.”

Amanda, visibly overwhelmed, tears shining in her eyes, leaned in and dropped a series of pecks to Courtney’s lips. Repeatedly. Courtney gave in to every single one, their veracity making her giggle.

“Holy shit. Holy shit. This is incredible.” Amanda pulled back to say it, though she stayed a breath away. “You really mean it?”

“Yes, I mean it.” Courtney beamed.

“What made you change your mind?” Amanda squeezed her close, legs hooking around Courtney’s waist.

Courtney used a fingertip to draw patterns along Amanda’s thigh, through the fabric of her leggings. “I just heard that you turned down 2 million dollars to stay with me.”

It wasn’t the only piece of it, of course, but it was stunning. Amanda really was going to put her career to the side so they could build their relationship.

“I’d do anything for you.” Amanda replied. “I just need you to trust me.”

“I do trust you.” Courtney whispered the words and brushed a kiss on Amanda’s lips. “I do.”

“I’m going to get it right this time, baby. I promise.” Amanda tugged at her. Brown eyes looked Courtney up and down. Hungry. Heated. “Now please come back here and kiss me again.”

Courtney did. Their lips met in a slower, longer connection, Amanda’s hands sliding down her back, Courtney’s fingers teasing at the hem of Amanda’s T-shirt. She wanted to touch, but she feared if she felt even an inch of Amanda’s skin under her fingertips, she’d turn feral. Amanda probably wouldn’t mind it, to be fair. Not with the way she was taking control of the kiss, shamelessly sliding her tongue against Courtney’s, body shifting forward into Courtney’s grip on her. Amanda sitting the way she was made their significant height difference a non-issue, though Courtney was grateful for her own upper body strength because Amanda was anchored to her, legs hooked over her waist, arms fully around her shoulders. It was the most pleasant way to be trapped. Her body was thrumming with need and want; the whimpered noises Amanda was letting out into their kiss were only fanning the flames.

She summoned her waning self-control to make an inch of space. “Holy shit, Amanda.”

Amanda chuckled, all raspy and throaty, brown eyes so dark with want. “Yeah. Holy shit.”

Courtney felt like they needed to slow down. They’d been back together for three minutes. “Hold on. Hold on.”

Another laugh, just as deep, just as turned on. “You’re really making a habit of blue balling me.”

“I’ve barely done anything.” Courtney teased, smirk on her lips.

“Nothing except get me all hot and bothered and leave me to take care of it myself.” Amanda’s tone was so low and sexy, Courtney was losing her composure. “I want your hands on me. Your fingers inside me.”

Courtney nearly choked on her own saliva. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” She stroked Courtney’s arm until their fingers were tangled together and proceeded to guide their joined hands to the waistband of her leggings.

Against her better judgement, she slipped her fingertips past Amanda’s waistband and then her panties and oh, God. “Fuck, you’re really wet.”

Amanda rolled her hips against Courtney’s touch and dug her blunt nails into Courtney’s shoulders. “It’s all for you, Court. Please.”

The nickname passing Amanda’s lips in that desperate, strangled tone was enough to send Courtney surging forward onto Amanda’s mouth. The kiss was deep and dirty on impact and Courtney used the distraction to sink her index finger inside. Amanda moaned into the kiss, only to reach a higher pitch when Courtney abandoned it to trail her lips along Amanda’s jaw. Courtney gave a slow, testing thrust. Amanda’s inner muscles clutched at her finger. Courtney grunted at the feeling and nibbled at Amanda’s pulse point.

Amanda was breathless, turning her head so they were making heated eye contact. Courtney could’ve collapsed from the crashing wave of lust that hit her. It was making her lightheaded.

She claimed Amanda’s lips again and added her middle finger. The whimper Amanda let out hit Courtney in the back of the throat as she began fucking the taller woman in earnest, despite the kitchen table and the slightly awkward angle.

So much for slowing down.

--

Angela and Arasha were coming over, and Amanda had never been quite so bummed out. Look, she loved them dearly. Angela was so important to her. She was very excited about the wedding and being the maid of honor. It was just that, selfishly, she wanted to keep having blistering hot sex with Courtney in the privacy of Courtney’s apartment. Three nights in a row she’d slept over and three nights in a row, they’d been hotter and heavier than ever. There was no more taking it slow. They were making up for lost time and Amanda was thrilled about it. The sex and the relationship both, of course. If Courtney was having life-altering sex with her while not being in love with her, Amanda wouldn’t have been able to handle it. She needed both and both was what Courtney was giving her in spades.

Everything was going better than Amanda could’ve even imagined it and that fact made her grin to herself as she sat on the edge of Courtney’s bed, watching Courtney pull on a pair of leggings and a baggy t-shirt. Amanda wasn’t dressed yet. She was sitting on the bed in just her towel, running a brush through her wet curls, smile growing when Courtney looked over at her. The boundless affection in Courtney’s gaze made Amanda feel warm and hot all at once.

“Come here.” Her tone was quiet, her eyes doing most of the imploring. She could’ve just reached out and tugged Courtney over. They were less than a foot apart. Courtney by the dresser. Amanda still on the bed. Amanda didn’t reach out, but Courtney came, anyway, lips turning up into a smirk.

Amanda did reach out now, arms circling around Courtney’s waist and lifting her chin to coax Courtney into a kiss. Courtney obliged and lingered, her own hands sliding against Amanda’s thighs where the towel was riding up. Amanda hummed at the touch and hooked her calves over the back of Courtney’s legs to draw her closer. Courtney let out a giggle right into Amanda’s mouth, both hands squeezing affectionately at her thighs.

Amanda pulled back. The energy was shifting away from something clearly headed in a sexual direction. Courtney’s expression was light, but Amanda could see something hiding underneath it. “What’s funny?”

“Nothing. Nothing.” Courtney said quickly, lips brushing Amanda’s again. “I just can’t believe you’re here.”

“Where else would I be?” Amanda smiled, and slid her hands down Courtney’s back, right over her ass. She wanted to get back to the quickie thing. Immediately. “I want you back in this bed so bad.”

Courtney made a low noise in the back of her throat. It sent a pulse of need right down the front of Amanda’s body. She pecked Courtney on the lips again. “What if we just don’t answer the door when Arasha and Ang come over?”

“I think we’d make them very suspicious.” Courtney replied, giggling as Amanda nuzzled her.

“Is that a bad thing?” Amanda thought they were being playful, but Courtney’s expression fell into a look of seriousness.

“Not necessarily, but do we want them to know right away?”

Surprise smacked Amanda right in the face. She hadn’t been expecting Courtney to be so…hesitant. Maybe she should’ve. “Are you saying you don’t want to tell them?”

“I don’t know, Amanda. I would prefer that it stays between us. At least for a little while longer.”

Amanda’s hands fell away from Courtney entirely, and her mood deflated. “You’re not like, ashamed of being with me, are you?”

“No, baby. No.” Courtney grabbed at Amanda’s hands and led them back to rest on her waist. “I don’t mean it that way. I just want us to be able to build this on our own first before we give it out to everyone else.”

Amanda sort of got that, but she also didn’t at all. “I want to scream it from the rooftops. I don’t want to hide it.”

Sympathy and affection slotted themselves into Courtney’s green eyes. “I just want to know we’re good before we get everyone else involved.”

Amanda hated everything about the explanation. She wanted to sink into the fucking floor. She knew her pain was obvious because Courtney’s hands were cupping her face in an instant. “Are you having second thoughts?”

“No, not at all.”

“You think I’m gonna fuck up again.” Amanda said the words before her brain had time to process them, but they didn’t feel like a false accusation.

“Amanda, honey, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“Maybe not, but it’s what’s you’re thinking.” Amanda let out a frustrated groan and yanked herself away from Courtney’s grasp. “What is it? Did you lie about trusting me?”

“No!”

“Then you’re embarrassed that you chose me.”

“What?! No.” Courtney kept her distance for a second, visibly shaken by Amanda’s reaction.

“Why don’t you want anyone to know, then?”

Courtney came closer, locked a gentle hand around Amanda’s forearm and inhaled sharply. “Baby, please, just hear me out for a second.”

Amanda allowed that touch and the other hand coming up to cup her jaw so she wouldn’t look away. She knew she was overreacting, could feel it all the way to her bones, but fuck, she was so scared of losing Courtney again.

“I don’t think you’re going to fuck up. Okay? I really don’t. I just want you to myself for a little while. Maybe that sounds selfish, but one day, you’re going to go back to your career and I’m going to have to share you with the whole world. And I already share you with the group, you know. They all missed you as much as I did and they all want to hang out with you, and I just want a few more days of privacy. Just you and me.”

It calmed Amanda down. Every word of it coupled with Courtney’s intensely warm gaze, and the gentle touch of her thumbs against Amanda’s cheekbones made everything ease. Just like that. “No one’s more important than you, Court.”

“I know.” Courtney grinned at her and dropped her head close. “I promise it won’t stay between us forever. I just want to be selfish for a minute.”

“Okay.” Amanda sighed out in relief and reached to grab Courtney around the waist again. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to be sorry. I get why you reacted that way. I probably didn’t word it all that well at first.”

“You’re fine.” Amanda leaned in to kiss her softly. “I’m honestly just scared. I really don’t want to fuck this up.”

The vulnerability was rough. Amanda was caught off guard by her thoughts coming out so precisely.

Courtney stroked a comforting hand through her hair, sympathy once again writing itself all over her. “You’re doing pretty great so far.”

The words brought Amanda a sense of calm. Courtney was so good at that. “Am I?”

“To be fair, it’s been less than a week, but yeah, definitely.”

Amanda playfully rolled her eyes and felt herself relax even more. “Thanks, Court.”

“You’re welcome.” Courtney kissed her on the lips firmly and pulled back with another cheesy grin. “You should get dressed.”

She stepped back and put both hands out in front of her like she was trying to control herself from touching Amanda some more. Amanda was suddenly bummed the quickie didn’t happen, but she stood up, anyway, and walked toward where her overnight bag sat beside Courtney’s dresser. From behind her came the sound of Courtney getting a text notification. Ding. Ding. And then in quick succession, her own phone going off with a notification sound that meant Angela was texting.

Amanda glanced over her shoulder as she hooked her bra. “Can you check that for me, babe?”

Courtney was reading her own text and typing out a response. “Yeah, of course. One sec.”

Amanda went back to putting her clothes on, wasn’t even remotely focused on Courtney holding Amanda’s entire life in her hands. That was what trust and love were all about. You don’t even have to question it or wonder. It was so fucking real. “What’s your passcode?”

“0814.” Amanda said, tugging a light half-zip sweatshirt over her head. Her plan once Angela and Arasha were gone was just to have a cozy day in the apartment and look, she doubted clothes were going to be in the equation for long.

“Like August 14th? The day we met?” There was an emotional tremble in Courtney’s voice.

She turned around fully, adoring smile on her face. “Yes, my love.”

Courtney swallowed the emotion down and handed the phone over. “It’s Angela wondering how far away you are.”

“About ten feet.” Amanda laughed at her own joke. She sent closer than you to Angela and pocketed her phone. Closing the distance toward Court, she pulled her girlfriend into her arms again. “I’m going to go downstairs and pretend like I just got here.”

Courtney squeezed her affectionately around the waist and nodded. “I’ll see you in a few, then.”

“Yes.” Amanda agreed, ducking down to steal a kiss. It was the last one they were going to have for at least two hours, and she was already dreading it. She lingered a bit too long, because Courtney had to playfully shove her away.

“Go. Go.”

“Fine.” Amanda chuckled at the flush on Courtney’s face, and how her tongue darted across her lips. “I love you, baby.”

Courtney ran a hand through her own hair and readjusted the hem of her shirt. “I love you, too, Mandy. Now, go before I don’t let you leave.”

--

Angela was a little peeved that Arasha was driving. Not because she didn’t trust her fiancée to drive, but because the fact that Arasha was driving meant her left hand was on the wheel and her right hand was in Angela’s lap. Whereas if she’d let Angela drive, Angela would be holding her left hand, and yes, running her thumb against the diamond ring on Arasha’s finger and feel the same awe and adoration she’d been feeling for the entire week they’d been engaged. She couldn’t do that from the passenger seat, but she could hold Arasha’s ringless right hand and stare at the diamond twinkling in the bright ass California morning, perched on the steering wheel.

“Did Amanda respond to you yet?” Arasha asked, not looking away from the road.

Angela was broken from the contemplation of how perfect her life was, but it was fine. She looked at her phone and sure enough, Amanda had replied. Closer than you.

Angela was confused by it. She’d been expecting Amanda to be more hesitant about meeting up at Courtney’s apartment. It was bound to be awkward if she got there before Angela and Arasha did. As far as Angela knew, Courtney and Amanda’s reconciliation was going very, very slowly. She decided not to ponder on it too much and sent back a reply. Okay. Hang tight. We’ll be there in like ten minutes.

“She said she’s almost there.” Angela said to Arasha.

“Wow. That’s surprising.” Arasha spoke Angela’s thoughts out loud. “She must be excited about wedding planning.”

Angela snorted out a laugh. “I doubt that’s it. Maybe it’s the only opportunity she’s had to hang out with Court.”

“I was trying to make it about us, but yeah, that makes more sense.”

“You and I both know Amanda’s one-track minded right now.”

“Yeah.” They were at the stop light one block away from Courtney’s apartment building now. “I just hope Courtney lets her down easy.”

Angela turned her head toward her fiancée like she’d just heard the craziest shit. And she had. “You think Courtney’s going to end it?”

“Every time I’ve asked her about it, she just seems so hesitant. Like, I know damn well she’s still into Amanda, but I don’t know if she’s willing to get her heart broken again.”

Angela wasn’t the biggest fan of what Amanda had done, but her instinct was still her defend her best friend. “Amanda seems pretty damn serious about it this time. Way more than the first time. She was so casual about it before. Like, yeah, Courtney’s hot and adorable and we’re getting along great, but I gotta focus on acting. I haven’t heard her talk about anything but Courtney the whole time she’s been back.”

“I know, Ang. I just can understand Courtney being trepidatious.”

They were pulling into the parking lot, and into a space a few rows down from the spots reserved for the people who lived in the building.

Angela was furrowing her brow. “Please don’t use big words I don’t know.”

Arasha laughed as she shut the engine off and leaned over to kiss Angela on the temple. “You know plenty of big words.”

“Not that one.” Angela pouted, looking at her phone again. She texted Amanda. Here. Where r u.

Amanda was typing immediately. She must’ve been scrolling Instagram or something. Lobby.

“Come on. Amanda’s waiting for us.” She opened the car door and stepped out. It only took a second for Arasha to join her, and this time, Angela made sure to grab her left hand, so she could mess with her engagement ring.

Arasha gave her a knowing glance. “Yes, Ang, it’s still there.”

She didn’t know why it made her blush and giggle that Arasha was noticing her hyper-fixation. Thankfully, Angela didn’t have to comment on it because they were striding up to where Amanda stood, leaning against the wall near the elevator, dressed in a half-zip striped sweatshirt and a plain pair of capris.

“Hey, guys.” She greeted, stepping up to crush Angela in a hug. Angela was on the tippiest of tip toes squeezing Amanda around the shoulders and feeling the warm pulse of affection she always felt around her best friend. Arasha got a hug, too, and then Amanda was standing a foot or so away, looking very unsure of herself. Not typical for Amanda at all.

“You doing okay, Amanda? I haven’t heard from you in a few days.” Angela didn’t worry about Amanda often, but she was being vulnerable in a whole new way recently and that was scary for her. Angela knew Amanda was just leaving her heart out on the chopping block for Courtney.

“I’m sorry about that, Ang. I was working out a statement with my agent about my hiatus.”

“Hiatus?” Arasha asked, stunned as they all got on the elevator.

“Yeah. Yeah. Indefinite. I signed the deed for my new place just a couple days ago.”

Angela was shocked by the influx of information. “So, you’re staying, then.”

Amanda looked down at her, brown eyes sparkling. “I sure am.”

Her demeanor changed, just like that. Instead of seeming unsure, she was elated, one arm shooting out to grab Angela around the shoulders. She allowed the hold and the distance from Arasha, who was just shaking her head like she knew the behavior well. They all started down the hall to Courtney’s apartment, Arasha walking ahead of them so she could be the first to greet Courtney. Angela guessed she was about to tackle Courtney in the doorway. Which she did the moment the door to the apartment opened.

Courtney caught Arasha in a huge hug, letting out a bellowing laugh the whole way. “Damn. Hi to you, too, Rash.”

Angela felt Amanda’s arm fall away from her, but she ran a soothing touch between her best friend’s shoulder blades when she looked up and noticed the forlorn look in Amanda’s eyes.  “Hey. You good?”

Amanda glanced at her with a half-smile. “Yeah. Yeah. I’m good.”

She used a gentle shove to lead Angela forward. Arasha was heading in, right past Courtney, and Courtney was holding out both hands to Angela. Angela suddenly felt like a kid standing between her divorced parents, being forced to make a choice. She went for Courtney and squeezed her friend close, hoped to God that Amanda’s heart wasn’t being utterly broken. She didn’t want to see Amanda shattered. Anyone with eyes could see how hard Amanda was working this time. Angela hoped Courtney was at least considering. She couldn’t focus on that now, though. Her wedding was the most important thing happening in her life. Getting taken off that by Amanda’s personal drama was unacceptable. And Arasha wouldn’t be happy about it, either. Speaking of Arasha, Angela was grabbing at her fiancée’s hand as they entered Courtney’s apartment, and they both turned to watch Amanda and Courtney interact at the now closed door.

Amanda was standing a bit awkwardly, arms crossed over her chest, that uneasy half-smile still on her face. Courtney returned a smile. “How are you, Amanda?”

Angela couldn’t handle Amanda’s yearning gaze, so she stepped right into the conversation. “She’s doing well, apparently. You said you signed a deed for your new place, right?”

Amanda gave her a grateful look. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

“Really? That’s exciting.”

“It is.” Amanda’s smile was real now. “The previous owners gave me a great deal on it. And they left all the furniture and everything, too. They even had a fucking movie room.”

Angela yelped. “Excuse me? And you haven’t invited us over yet?!”

“Ang, it hasn’t even been a week yet.” Amanda said, chuckling at her.

Arasha grabbed Angela’s elbow and dragged her over to the living room. “Baby, come sit.”

Courtney and Amanda headed that way, too, keeping an insane distance between them. Amanda settled onto the recliner way on the other side from where Courtney sat on the edge of the couch. Arasha sat thigh to thigh with Angela on the couch. Angela put an arm around her and then went to address Amanda again. “Seriously, though, when can we come over?”

“Whenever you want, Ang. What kind of question is that?”

“We should make a thing of it, though! A housewarming. Invite the boys and all.”

Amanda swallowed and instantly looked a bit uncomfortable, eyes sliding over toward Courtney. Arasha did the same. She spoke up, too. “What about Court?”

“Court can come, too. If she wants.” Amanda said matter-of-factly. “She’s our friend.”

Courtney’s smile was barely there, but Angela caught it. “I wouldn’t turn down an invite.”

Angela reached across Arasha to happily smack at Courtney’s knee. “Fuck yeah.”

“You really want to?” Amanda sounded surprised, but her eyes lit up.

“Yeah.” Courtney replied. “I miss hanging with everyone. It’s been a while.”

“Okay. Great. I guess it’s official, then.”

“Fuck yes.” Angela exclaimed again. “Is next Friday good? I’ll text the group chat right now.”

“Yeah, that works.” Amanda was laughing at Angela’s enthusiasm.

Arasha clapped her hands to get the room’s attention back on her. “Anyways! Can I borrow your laptop, Court? We gotta check out these venues!”

Courtney was on her feet in an instant. “Yeah, let me go get it.”

Angela watched Amanda’s gaze follow Courtney down the hall. The yearning look was back. Angela tapped at her forearm. “Hey. Amanda.”

“Hm?” Courtney wasn’t in their line of sight anymore, so Amanda was looking at Angela again.

“Pick your jaw up off the floor, will ya?”

Arasha joined right in. “She’s always looked at Courtney like that, Ang.”

Amanda wasn’t laughing at all. Her expression was dead serious. “I want her back so badly, you guys.”

Angela felt the words hit her in the chest. She felt awful for Amanda. She really did. Then again, like Arasha said, she couldn’t blame Courtney for being unwilling to give it another chance. “We know, girlie. We know.”

Amanda let out a helpless sigh, head falling into her hands. Angela just squeezed and stroked her forearm. “It’ll be okay, Amanda.”

“Court will come around.” Arasha said. “I have a good feeling about it.”

That wasn’t at all what Arasha had said in the car, but to be fair, that was before Courtney agreed to attend the housewarming party. Maybe that was a good sign. Maybe Courtney was warming up to the idea of Amanda being around all the time. Angela wondered if Amanda told her about the hiatus.

“Does Courtney know you’re taking a hiatus?”

“Yeah. I texted her last night.”

Angela rose an eyebrow at her friend. “You didn’t just randomly text that, did you?”

“No, Ang, of course not. We’ve been texting on and off for a couple days.”

“And how’s it going?”

“Good, I think. She hasn’t flat out rejected me yet, so…”

Courtney’s footsteps sounded down the hall and Amanda lifted her head, back toward the direction Courtney was coming from, laptop in hand. She handed the device to Arasha and made fleeting eye contact with Amanda, who was still staring at her helplessly. Maybe she’d heard the conversation. Angela couldn’t be sure.

Regardless, she felt helpless. She didn’t know how to move her friend’s predicament along. If Courtney was going to say no, Angela almost wished she’d just say it, so Amanda wasn’t held in this weird limbo. She was taking it well, Angela had to admit. The old Amanda wouldn’t have even been sitting there. She would’ve run for the hills by now, absolutely humiliated by the consequences of her actions.

Angela put her attention back on Arasha, so she didn’t have to keep thinking about it. Wedding. Right. Not Amanda’s drama. No matter how much Angela wanted to fix it and see her friends happy again, it wasn’t her business. Courtney sat back in her place on the opposite side of Arasha, intent on the computer screen. Angela joined in because she had to send her thoughts elsewhere.

“So, Ang and I made a list of our six favorite venues.”

“Six? Damn, you guys have been busy.” Amanda guffawed, causing Angela to smack her on the arm. “Ow.”

“Yes, six.” Arasha reiterated, shooting Amanda a teasing glare. “Obviously, we like some more than others, but I feel like we can’t decide for real until we see them in person and also find out what dates are available.”

“Makes sense.” Courtney offered.

“Right?” Arasha beamed over at her best friend. “Anyways, I had the thought that we could visit all six in a couple days if we split up.”

“Wait. Split up? How?” Amanda could barely contain her excitement. Angela almost laughed out loud.

“I mean, obviously, Ang and I have to go together and since you guys are maids of honor…”

Amanda and Courtney made eye contact across the chasm of the couch. “Are you okay with that, Court?”

“I’m fine with it.” Courtney said it a little too quickly. So much so that Arasha looked at her wearily. “It’s cool, Rash. Amanda and I are adults. Aren’t we?”

Amanda nodded. “Yup.”

Ostensibly, Angela knew it was true. They were both in fact adults. She just wanted them to work their shit out and she was positive Arasha did, too.

“Thanks, guys.” Arasha squealed. “I’m so excited.”

Angela smiled at the sound and leaned over to kiss her fiancee on the head. “We’re so excited.”

“That’s what I said.” Arasha said with a wink.

Angela could only roll her eyes.

—-

Courtney was set to leave work at 4 o’clock that afternoon. Amanda was parked and waiting outside the gym at 3:30, contemplating whether she wanted to walk inside and make her presence known. Courtney didn’t want their friends to know just yet, but Amanda had to wonder if coworkers counted. Surely, it wouldn’t do any harm. As far as Amanda knew, Courtney didn’t hang with any of her coworkers outside of work. Except for that one girl who manned the front desk that Courtney had a fling with. Amanda didn’t know if that girl had met any of their friends. She was curious, though. Had Courtney attempted to replace Amanda at all or had she known it was a fruitless task from the start. It was a terrible feeling to know that she’d ruined Courtney’s love life by being such a hapless jerk. Then again, she’d got to just come back and win Courtney over, and teach the Amanda of three years ago a lesson. Choosing a career over love was a fool’s errand. All Amanda had accomplished with it was make herself and the woman she loved miserable. To the point where neither of them could even have a healthy relationship with someone else.

Amanda was determined to be better this time around. Present. Adoring. The kind of attached she hadn’t quite reached before. Leaving Courtney had been too easy for her, and she hated that more than anything. It was why Courtney was still so scared around her. Trust was such a hard thing to earn back. Courtney was trying, but Amanda didn’t believe she was fully there, no matter what she said to the contrary. Just the fact that she wanted to keep their relationship a secret was proof of that. She was going to drive herself insane thinking about it all alone, so she picked up the chocolate banana extra protein smoothie she’d bought for Courtney and got out of her car. However Courtney addressed or introduced her was fine. Amanda wasn’t going to be upset about it. They were working through it together in private and that was totally okay. It didn’t need to be plastered on a billboard to be real.

She walked through the gym’s automatic door, and right up to the front desk. A dark haired woman sat behind a computer. She plastered on an obvious customer service smile. “Welcome in. You can scan your member card right here.”

Amanda leaned against the circular desk. There were other attendants walking in and out of the cubicle. Trainers grabbing their work badges, Amanda assumed. “Oh, I’m not a member. I’m just here to pick up Courtney.”

The woman gave a look of surprise, like she’d never heard anything so crazy. “Really? Uh, okay. She should be in the break room. I’ll call over there. May I ask your name?”

“Amanda.”

The woman’s dark eyes became as big as saucers. “Amanda? Like, the Amanda?”

“That depends what she’s told you.” Amanda laughed so she didn’t cry to this stranger instead.

“Only that she couldn’t be with anyone else because she was too hung up on you.” The woman replied. “She didn’t get any kind of closure.”

Amanda noticed in that moment that the woman’s name was written on the lanyard hanging around her neck. Kimmy. Yeah, that tracked. Courtney’s fling. “Are you saying I ruined something for you?”

“Kinda.” Kimmy said, eyes growing a little sad. “No wonder Courtney’s been blowing me off for months.”

“I apologize?” Amanda actually wasn’t sorry at all, but that would come off the wrong way, so politeness it was.

“Just don’t hurt her again. She’s got a heart of gold, you know.”

“I know. Trust me, I know.” Amanda smiled.

Kimmy just sighed in defeat and picked up the desk phone. She dialed a three number extension and waited. “Hey. Can you tell Courtney that her ride is here? Cool. Thanks.”

She hung up and addressed Amanda again. “Make the first right after the lat machines. Break room is down that hall. First door. She’ll meet you there.”

She pointed a thumb over her shoulder toward the gym floor. Amanda nodded gratefully and left Courtney’s conquest behind. Of course, she’d known already that Courtney hadn’t had anything serious in their time apart, but there was something about hearing from someone else that Courtney had a hard time moving on. Amanda felt awful and transcendent about it all at once. It was a strange combination of emotions. She hated that she’d broken Courtney’s heart and her trust and her ability to make a new relationship, but it was the only reason she was getting another chance. Courtney still loved her. Had never stopped loving her, despite the disgusting way Amanda abandoned her. She didn’t want to feel superior to Kimmy. She did, though. She was the person Courtney wanted. No one else compared.

Amanda was floating on a cloud as she made her way toward the break room. She didn’t care that the place was heavy with the sound of men and woman grunting and sweating and blasting bad music. She didn’t care that she’d just interacted with one of Courtney’s exes. She didn’t care. She just cared that Courtney was leaving the break room, sporting an open white and gray flannel over a black half-shirt and a pair of sweats. Her eyes must’ve been bothering her today because she was wearing her square frame glasses.

Her expression was showing a bit of surprise at Amanda’s presence, but she was smiling, so maybe it wasn’t a bad sign. “Hi. You’re early.”

Amanda nodded and held out her gift. “Yes, and I brought you your favorite post work out smoothie.”

“Oh, my God. You’re an angel.” Courtney took a long, grateful sip, and reached out her free hand to take one of Amanda’s. “Come on. I have to go clock out at the desk.”

Amanda laced her fingers through Courtney’s and followed dutifully, her heart pitter pattering inside her. She didn’t even care when Courtney let go so she could type in her information and sign out. Cared even less when Courtney said goodbye to Kimmy like Kimmy was an old friend. She didn’t care because Courtney was hers, and she was not going to sacrifice that for anything. They climbed into Amanda’s SUV and Amanda was handing her phone over to Courtney in the passenger seat.

“Do you want to co-pilot? Arasha narrowed down our half of the list to just one venue because apparently, the other two we were supposed to look at have no openings for the next two years.”

“Goddamn.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Amanda laughed. “The address is in my texts with Arasha.”

“Okay.” Courtney typed in Amanda’s passcode, her smile hiding in the corner of her lips. “GPS says it’s like an hour drive.”

“Perfect. You’re stuck with me.” Amanda winked over at her as she rested her free hand in Courtney’s lap. Courtney grabbed it with both of her own and began stroking and squeezing at Amanda’s fingers.

--

The silence that fell between them was comfortable. Courtney didn’t need to fill it with anything. She just wanted to exist inside it and know that it was Amanda providing her with that peace of mind. It was magical and Courtney was hoping more every day that it wouldn’t fade from their relationship. Would Amanda get stir crazy the longer she was away from her career? Would Courtney not be able to handle the distance once Amanda was back on a set? There were a bunch of unknowns piling up, and Courtney needed their relationship to become strong enough that she didn’t have to keep worrying. It’d only been about a week and a half, though. She didn’t know why she was trying to rush it. Their friends didn’t even know and that was her own doing.

A distraction from all that came in the form of Amanda’s phone lighting up from where it was nestled against Courtney’s thigh. She could make out that it was a text message from ‘Steph.’ Courtney untangled one of her hands from Amanda to reach for it. She didn’t want to snoop or anything. She was just supposed to man the GPS. She wasn’t supposed to wonder who the hell ‘Steph’ was and what she wanted. Amanda hadn’t even heard the notification. Courtney had put on some driving music because no trip was complete without it.

Fuck it. She swiped down the notifications and looked. Amanda had her previews on, so Courtney could read the text without unlocking the phone. Amanda was trusting that way. She didn’t have anything to hide from anyone.

Hey Hollywood!! Don’t forget our show premieres tonight. It’s live streaming. HMU if you want to. I miss you.

Courtney didn’t have any clue what any of it meant, but the name Steph was vaguely familiar. She decided she was going to ask Amanda about it. Amanda would explain it, and it would be something wholesome, and sweet and Courtney wouldn’t have to worry. She didn’t know why she was intent on finding something to worry about. It was like the lack of anxiety was giving her anxiety. What the fuck.

She put the phone back down and listened for a second as the GPS quieted the music to tell Amanda to get onto the highway. Courtney put her head back against the seat and closed her eyes. After a moment or so, she felt Amanda’s hand leave hers, only to feel it settle on her leg, fingers lined along her inner thigh. She’d thrown on a pair of sweats in her haste to clean up in the locker room. She had the thought that she should’ve found something slightly fancier to wear to the venue, but it wasn’t like it was her and Amanda’s wedding. There was no dress code for walking the grounds.

Amanda’s touch stayed innocent. She just squeezed at Courtney’s thigh and let her thumb rub in a soothing pattern. “You’re awfully quiet, Court. Something on your mind?”

“Hm? No, I’m fine.” Jesus, what was she so fucking scared of.

“You’re not upset at me for not waiting in the car, are you?”

“What? Of course I don’t care about that.” It was true. She hadn’t been the least bit peeved to see Amanda outside her break room. She’d found it adorable, actually. The same way she’d found Amanda surprising her at her old desk job from way back in the day a highlight of their past relationship.

“I didn’t know if the whole ‘let’s keep this from our friends’ thing extended to coworkers, that’s all.”

“It doesn’t.” Courtney said simply.

“Kimmy knew who I was.”

“Yeah.” Courtney sighed. “I used her as a shoulder for a bit.”

“Sounds like you used her as more than a shoulder.”

She knew Amanda was teasing her. She knew it was lighthearted. She knew, and it still got under her skin just that tiny bit.

“We’ve already had this conversation, Amanda.”

“I know. I didn’t mean anything bad by it, Court. Just thought her sizing me up was funny, that’s all.”

Courtney looked away from the window to study Amanda’s profile. She was totally calm, her left hand relaxed on the wheel, eyes trained on the road. Okay, so she wasn’t jealous. That was a good sign. “You don’t have to worry about Kimmy. Or anyone else.”

“I’m not worried.” Amanda replied.

The text crossed her mind again. Now was as good a time as any. “Who’s Steph, Amanda?”

Brown eyes glanced away from the road for half a second. “Huh?”

“You got a text from her. Apparently, your show is premiering tonight. Whatever that means. Oh, and she misses you.”

“That’s good for her. I don’t give a shit.” Amanda said, stern and angered.

“Who is she? That name is so familiar.”

“My ex-girlfriend. And my ex-writing partner now, too, I guess. I doubt she’ll want to collaborate anymore.” Amanda said, laughing sardonically.

“The show that’s premiering is yours?”

“We wrote a pilot together like two years ago. It got picked up as a limited series.” Amanda shrugged. “I forgot about it entirely, actually.”

“You forgot about a whole TV show that you wrote?”

“I didn’t produce it or anything. It was her script. I just helped her punch it up.” Amanda’s voice picked up a hint of fondness. “That was how we bonded at first.”

Courtney was normal about it. Truly. “Does she still love you?”

“She’s the one who broke up with me, Court. It doesn’t matter one way or the other how she feels. I’m exactly where I want to be and who I want to be with.”

It was exactly what Courtney wanted to hear.

“I’m sorry for interrogating you.”

“No, it’s okay, Court. You’re allowed to ask me anything you need to. I’m an open book.”

It was a good thing they’d caught bumper to bumper traffic. It gave Courtney the opportunity to lean over the center console and kiss Amanda soundly on the lips. Amanda grinned at her as she shifted back into her seat and Courtney felt the whole world righting itself. Amanda was right. This was where they were supposed to be.

Together.

--

Sometimes, Amanda forgot she was technically famous. Not like Leo famous or Meryl Streep famous, but she was a star in a popular movie that was less than a year old. People were finding it everyday, and the character of Sarah Christ for whatever reason resonated with people. Amanda wasn’t in the mindset to figure out how or why. She was too busy trying to remember how to be a normal person. Ordinary. Unknown. Happy. In love. For the last few months she’d been back in LA, she’d been recognized only three times. The only difference was, she hadn’t been with Courtney any of those times. And she hadn’t been with Courtney, either. Today was not the day to be recognized, but of course, no one cared what Amanda wanted. If the dominos were going to fall, they were going to fall exactly when everything was going far too well. Right when Amanda’s guard was down.

At the venue, she and Courtney had somehow managed to ditch their tour guide. They were just freely walking the grounds, hand in hand, Courtney pointing out the huge archway leading out to a green and yellow and pink colored garden that would be a beautiful backdrop for Arasha and Angela’s ceremony. It didn’t feel fully like Angela to Amanda. Arasha would love it, though, and Angela would love it simply for that reason. The grounds were gorgeous, regardless. The place was practically paradise, way off in the far reaches of the Valley, overlooked by a wine vineyard. Now that was an aspect Angela would die for.

Amanda was smiling and feeling lighter and happier than she had in so long, her eyes constantly looking over at Courtney, just to take in her reaction to everything. Who was she kidding. She just wanted to stare at Courtney. For as breathtaking as the scenery was, it just couldn’t compare. They were walking down a cobblestone path that surrounded the gardens, and Amanda had no cares in the world. She was staring at Courtney, and thinking about her possible future with Courtney, and hoping someday they’d be doing this exact thing except the wedding they were planning would be theirs. It was in middle of that thought that Amanda’s peace was obliterated.

“Oh my God, Amanda Lehan-Canto!”

She wasn’t used to hearing her full name out loud. Especially not from the lips of an overly-excited young woman bouncing up and down beside a man who was probably her future husband. He didn’t seem nearly as excited by Amanda’s presence and fuck, Amanda related more to him in that second.

“I suppose I am.”

Courtney had already let go of her hand and fallen a bit back, out of the danger zone. It was fair, Amanda supposed. It didn’t stop her from feeling disappointed. One day she’d get to brag about Courtney to everyone on the planet and she was going to fucking bask in it.

“Oh I knew it. I knew it! I’m a huge fan. Holy shit. Holy shit.”

Amanda couldn’t help how she was grinning ear to ear, hopelessly endeared by the woman’s enthusiasm and the man’s obvious desire to disappear. “Thank you. I appreciate the support.”

“Oh my God this is so insane! Can we get a picture?!”

“Yeah! Of course.”

She had to glance over her shoulder at Courtney, who was standing a bit awkwardly, her hands in her pockets, but an encouraging expression on her face. She looked so fucking adorable, Amanda had to blow her a kiss. Courtney ducked her head away, utterly smitten. Amanda’s heart almost exploded right there, a red smear on the path for everyone to see.

The woman’s boyfriend was the one who’d been tasked with picture duty, and Amanda couldn’t help but notice how he took it very seriously though he was obviously uncomfortable. She posed for a quick picture, and shook both their hands, told them again she was grateful for the support, and then they were on their way. Amanda went right back to Courtney.  

Her whole body was singing as she leaned down to catch Courtney in a warm kiss. She wanted to linger and taste and slide her tongue against Courtney’s, but she would take what she could get in this scenario. There were prying eyes now.

Courtney was licking at her lips as the kiss broke, eyes fluttering back open, the foot that had popped off the ground lowering itself. “They were nice.”

“Yeah.” Amanda smiled, squeezed Courtney against her. “I love when they’re like that and not ya know icky and invasive.”

“Makes sense.” Courtney replied, giggling. “My girlfriend’s a movie star.”

“I’ve been in two movies.”

“That’s two more movies than most of the population has been in.”

“Not in California, babe.”

Courtney gave her look that said ‘shut the fuck up and take a compliment.’ “Doesn’t matter. Sarah Christ is iconic.”  

Amanda couldn’t tell if Courtney was just messing with her. The blonde loved to joke and tease. “You’ve watched it?”

“I might have.”

“Really?” She didn’t know why it made her feel vulnerable. A little insecure, maybe. Like her two lives colliding in an unexpected way.

“Yes. I watched it just to see you.” Courtney said, one hand putting a strand of hair back behind Amanda’s ear. “The movie came out when I was going through a low point of missing you. Arasha went with me.”

“I’m so sorry, Court.”

Courtney shook her head, tiny smile on her lips. “It’s okay, baby. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not.” Amanda insisted. “I hate that I treated you that way.”

“Amanda, honey, we don’t have to keep having this conversation.” Courtney smiled up at her fondly, thumb swiping along her bottom lip.

“You’re right.” Amanda eased out a slow breath to make herself calm down. She just couldn’t stand being reminded of how she’d utterly disregarded Courtney. She’d been such a jerk. “Do you want me to take you home from here or do you want to come back to my place?”

“Maybe just drop me home so I can grab some stuff? Everyone’s coming over tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah. I told them all 6 but you know how Angela and Shayne are.”

“So, they’ll all be there at 5:30.” Courtney laughed.

“Pretty much.” Amanda stroked Courtney’s forearm where it was resting over her shoulder. “If you want to go home and come back tomorrow, that’s totally fine, baby. I won’t be offended.”

“No. I want to sleep over.” Courtney said firmly. “And also, I think we should tell them.”

Amanda’s eyes widened. She must’ve looked insane. She just couldn’t believe the words. “You want to?”

“Yes. What’s the point in hiding it? I don’t know what I’m so worried about. They’re our friends.”

“Only if you’re sure.” Amanda replied, while her stomach flipped excitedly. “I don’t want you to feel obligated or anything.”

“I am sure.” Courtney smiled at her and led her down into a soft kiss. “I love you and I love all of them and that’s what matters. Right?”

Amanda wanted to jump for joy. “Right.”

--

It felt like a silly thing to be so excited about. After all, he saw his brother and sister nearly every day. And their group chat with Spencer and Amanda was always lit up. This felt so different, though, and Trevor really couldn’t pinpoint why. None of them had let Amanda leaving change their dynamics. Courtney stayed as an integral part of the group. Angela and Arasha were as strong as ever. Shayne had been bummed but didn’t show it. Spencer disappeared for a few days once he realized Amanda wasn’t coming back, but he’d come around relatively quickly. Still, there’d been a piece missing and they’d all felt it. Angela crumbled once or twice. Shayne kept his composure, but Trevor knew his brother well and saw the cracks in his emotional armor. Trevor and Amanda hadn’t had the closest relationship, but he felt her absence, too. It was hard to ignore. She’d been there for fifteen years and then she was just gone. Angela was the only one who’d kept any kind of contact with her, and that was only because she’d been persistent in her pursuit of Amanda’s attention.

Shayne wasn’t the type for that. Neither were Courtney or Spencer. Trevor respected their stance on it. They’d all refused to reach out, even though Shayne confessed he’d regretted it. A grudge was a hard thing to hold onto, and Trevor was so glad they could all let it go now. Amanda was back. Their family was whole again. Everyone was happier for it. Angela and Shayne especially. They got their best friend back in their lives, and the difference in their demeanor was obvious. Trevor was jovial about it, obviously. His siblings were high on his list of priorities, after all.  

On the night of Amanda’s housewarming, Shayne and Angela were in his driveway at 5 o’clock. Trevor was dressed and ready because he knew exactly what time they’d be there. Shayne was never late to anything, and he’d raised Angela to be the same damn way. So, there Trevor was, climbing into the backseat of Shayne’s Jeep beside Arasha, his excitement palpable.

“Damn, Trev.” Arasha said the moment she saw him. “Calm down.”

He grinned at her. “Look, man, I missed this shit.”

Shayne locked eyes with him in the rear-view mirror as they backed out of the driveway. “What do you mean? We never stopped doing this shit.”

“Sure, but Amanda’s back! And Court’s coming, too. Even Spencer’s decided to show his face. We have the whole gang back together.”

“Easy there, Scooby Doo.” Angela teasingly admonished from the passenger seat. “I can hear your tail wagging.”

“Come on, guys. Leave him be.” Arasha was always his defender against Angela and Shayne. “The two of you are acting like you both aren’t obsessed with Amanda.”

“Hey! Hey!” Angela turned in her seat. “You’re supposed to be on my side!”

“Why?”

“Because you’re gonna be my wife.” Angela pouted.

“Yeah, well, that makes Trevor my little brother.”

“You’re the same age.” Shayne was glowing, he was so pleased with himself.

“Not mentally.” Arasha shot back, laughing at Trevor’s immediate pain. “Only because I’m a woman, Trev.” She added a second later.

“You know what? That’s fair.”

--

She found Amanda sitting on the recliner in the living room scrolling through her phone. She’d left Courtney in the bedroom to get ready for the party, apparently to control her urges to touch and make them late for their own gathering. Courtney admired self-control, even if she preferred when Amanda just couldn’t keep her hands to herself.

All the same, she strolled into the living room, wearing biker shorts and a razorback tank top. Amanda didn’t look up from her phone, so Courtney slid a hand along her shoulders. Her head was up before Courtney could take another breath, and then she was led to sit in Amanda’s lap. She obliged, of course. To that, and the soft kiss Amanda gave her.

Amanda pulled back with a twinkle in her eye. “Wanna see something funny?”

Courtney furrowed her brow and pecked Amanda on the lips again. “Sure. What is it?”

“You remember that girl we ran into at the venue?”

“The Sarah Christ fangirl with the embarrassed fiancée? Yeah. Why?”

Amanda held out her phone so Courtney could see what she’d been looking at. An Instagram post from some random account. The couple in the photo was definitely the couple they’d met, though. She swiped to the next picture in the post to see that yes, it was in fact the woman who’d asked for a photo with Amanda because there Amanda was, smiling brightly and putting a peace sign like the adorable dork she was. Courtney spotted herself hanging awkwardly in the background and diverted her attention to the caption.

Went to see a potential wedding venue with the future hubby and ran into the one and only ALC @filmingamanda. Thank you for being so gracious and congrats on the upcoming nuptials!!!

Courtney’s brow furrowed even more. “Does she think we’re the ones getting married?”

Amanda took her phone back and shrugged. “Seems that way. To be fair, I didn’t say otherwise.”

“How many people are gonna see this post?”

“I don’t know, Court. She’s a random person and it’s her personal account.”

“Yeah, but she tagged you.”

“I don’t think that many people search my tag, Court.”

“Can’t you reply in a comment and be like ‘haha thanks but it’s my best friend’s wedding, not mine’?”

“Is that what you want me to do?”

“Yeah, kind of!” She shot up out of Amanda’s lap, a bit irritated by Amanda’s casual response to the whole thing.

“I didn’t think you’d feel so strongly about it. I’ll do it right now, if it’ll make you happy.”

“It’s not about making me happy, Amanda.” Courtney pressed her fingers into her eyes and groaned.

“What’s it about, then?”

“You really don’t see the issue with some stranger airing out our relationship before we do?”

“Court, you’re barely in the photo.”

Courtney groaned again. Amanda was really not seeing the forest for the trees. “First of all, I’m stillin it. Second of all, you know damn well how the internet works. Anyone with the means will figure out who I am by the end of the day.”

“Okay, so I’ll get out ahead of it. I’ll DM the account right now and ask her to take the photo down. Easy.”

The solution was logical. Amanda’s tone was even and calm. It did what it had to do to relax Courtney. Slightly. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Amanda reached a hand out toward her. “Come back. I’m sorry.”

“I know. It’s okay. I just don’t want to be all over TMZ or some shit.” Courtney sighed in relief as she watched Amanda click into the girl’s DMs and send exactly the message she’d said she would. It was life-changing to have an Amanda who stood by her word.

“I understand.”

It didn’t matter one way or the other. The photo was already making the rounds in fandom spaces. It was just that neither of them knew that yet.

--

The night was young. And by young, she meant that no one had gotten past two of Shayne’s famous martinis. She didn’t know if Courtney was still going to go through with the plan to tell everyone. They’d spent the entire night on opposite sides of the house. Court was off with Arasha and Angela and Spencer playing Mario Kart while Amanda was hanging out on the patio with Trevor and Shayne. It was a gorgeous night, and they were just shooting the shit. Trevor and Shayne were, at least. Amanda was distracted. Helplessly distracted. She’d upset Courtney without really meaning to and she didn’t know if they were still good and she didn’t know if anyone would ever find out about them now. Courtney might call it off before that became a thing. Amanda wouldn’t blame her, really. She was such an idiot. She couldn’t get it right, and that was on her.

She needed another drink, so she stood up. Shayne still had a full glass, and Trevor was babying a beer because he was driving them all home. “I’m gonna grab another. Be back in a sec, guys.”

They both waved at her as she went. She felt sick to her stomach on a night where she should’ve felt happy and accomplished. Walking back through the sliding glass door and being greeted by the excited shouts of her girlfriend and their friends didn’t fill her with any kind of joy. She was just frustrated. Frustrated at herself, mostly. Why was she so bad at being Courtney’s partner. What did Courtney even see in her at this point. Amanda hadn’t even made it two weeks before she’d fumbled the fucking ball. She didn’t deserve Courtney anymore. She never had.

She leaned back against the counter and threw both hands over her face so she could muffle her grunt of irritation. “God damn it.”

She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t. If Courtney gave up on her, she’d have to go back to New York. She knew it wasn’t the promise she’d made, but how was she supposed to look any of them in the eye after blowing it up in the dumbest way imaginable. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

She heard soft footsteps enter the kitchen. She didn’t have to look up to know it was Courtney. Courtney’s presence was distinct. When she walked into a room, it was like a hush fell over it. Like even inanimate objects knew that Courtney was special and gorgeous and perfect. She was perfect, and Amanda was going to lose her. She lifted her head, and lo and behold, there Courtney was, so casually stunning. So effortlessly irresistible. Amanda wanted to fall to her knees and beg.

There was a soft look on Courtney’s face. “What are you doing in here by yourself?”

“Oh, you know, just trying to figure out how drunk I want to get.” It was a joke, but it wasn’t, really. Maybe if she got drunk enough, Courtney breaking up with her wouldn’t hurt so badly. It would be easier to face what a failure she was. Easier to accept that she just wasn’t good enough.

Courtney winced at the words. “If you’re upset about earlier, just talk to me about it.”

Amanda was terrified that she was going to crumble to pieces any second. She used to be so damn strong and put together. Now, she could barely look at Courtney without wanting to spill her guts. How had Courtney done that shit to her.

“I’m not upset.” She huffed. “I wish I knew why the idea of anyone knowing about us seems to annoy you so much, but I’m not upset.”

“You have to see that there’s a difference between people knowing about us and people thinking we’re getting married.”

She didn’t want it to sting. It still stung. “I get that, Court. I do, but someone’s gonna have to know eventually. That one girl isn’t going to be the only fan I ever run into again. You’ll have to be seen in public with me at some point. Unless we just never leave the house again.”

“Okay. Okay.” Courtney waved a hand through the air like she was trying to banish the words away. “I never said that I don’t want to be seen with you.”

“No. You’re acting like it, though.”

“Amanda. Jesus.” Courtney closed the distance between them until their bodies were flush. Amanda didn’t move to touch her. She just stared down into green eyes and hoped her hurt was clear. Courtney let out a shaky breath. “I don’t mean to make you feel insecure. I hate that you’re feeling that way. I swear that I’m not trying to hide you. I just want this to be on our own terms, Amanda. I want you and I to have control of the narrative of our own relationship. It’s ours, baby. I’m protective of it. I’m possessive of it.”

Amanda clenched her jaw and flexed the grip she had on the countertop behind her. “I just don’t want to keep the best thing in my life to myself, Court. That’s all.”

Tears sprang to life in Courtney’s eyes. “Well, when you put it like that…”

“That’s what you are.” Amanda reiterated. “I get that you don’t want our privacy invaded, but that doesn’t mean we have to lock ourselves away.”

“You’re right.” Courtney nodded. “You’re right. It’s just that you aren’t a regular person, Amanda. You’re a big deal now, and it wasn’t like that when we were together before. I’m trying to ease into the idea that there’s going to be eyes on us.”

“I get it. I’ve had awhile to adjust to it. We can hold onto it for as long as you need.”

Amanda didn’t want to sound selfish and unsympathetic. Courtney really hadn’t seen any of it. Running into people who recognized her was just the tip of the iceberg. There was the goddamn internet, too. That was where the real freaks hung out. Thankfully, Amanda had yet to deal with any of them person to person, but she saw the kind of shit they posted about her and Steph. She was going to protect Courtney from it.

“Thank you.” Courtney smiled so sweetly at her, Amanda forgot that she was upset at all. “I’m not ashamed or embarrassed of you at all. I just want us to be solid so all that shit out there can’t break us.”

Amanda felt all the tension leave her body like a balloon deflating. “I know. I want that, too.”

Courtney pressed both hands against Amanda’s collarbone and tilted her head up for a kiss. “Are we good, baby?”

“Yes.” Amanda gave a soft smile of her own.

“Great.” Courtney giggled as Amanda kissed her again. “Mm, wait. There’s something we have to do real quick.”

The word choice was suspect, so Amanda used it as an opportunity to smack Courtney playfully on the butt. “Oh, yeah? Do you want to use the counter this time? The table’s probably seen enough.”

Courtney laughed harder and tried to dodge Amanda’s lips brushing her jaw. “Very funny, but that is not what I’m talking about.”

“Bummer, but enlighten me, then.”

Courtney grew serious. She tapped both hands against Amanda’s shoulders. “Just wait right here for a sec, okay?”

“Okay.” She returned Courtney’s teasing little smirk, felt her insides doing a back flip. Courtney was walking out toward the sliding glass door and calling Shayne and Trevor to come inside. Then, she went out to the living room and did the same to the others.

Amanda had completely forgotten there were five other people in her house, but suddenly, there they all were, standing in a semi-circle, staring at her expectantly. It dawned on her what Courtney was doing. “Hey, guys, so uh, thanks for coming over and breaking in the new place. It’s been a real good time so far.”

Angela booed her, which made Shayne and Trevor start snickering.

Amanda gave them all a death glare as Courtney strode right between Angela and Arasha and didn’t stop till she was standing beside Amanda. “Guys, what Amanda’s trying to say is that we have something to tell you.”

“Yes. Yes, we do.” Amanda threw an arm across Courtney’s shoulder and pulled her in close. Courtney’s arms circled her waist, head falling into the space between Amanda’s neck and her shoulder.

The whole room started cheering.

“Holy fucking shit.” That was Angela, bug eyed. “You actually pulled it off.”

Amanda wanted to fly through the ceiling. She felt incredible seeing everybody’s excited reactions. “Yeah. Yeah, I did.”

Trevor came next, half skipping over to them to engulf them both in a hug. His big, lanky frame fit right between them. “I’m so happy for you guys.”

“Thanks, Trev.” Amanda smiled madly at him, so full of affection for him it was crazy. He was so damn sweet.

When Arasha and Shayne came over, Courtney was tugged out of Amanda’s arms and into Arasha’s. Amanda couldn’t even be upset because Shayne was squeezing the life out of her. She dropped her head to his shoulder and squeezed him even harder.

“I’m proud of you.” He said as he pulled back. “You put in the work.”

“I just wanted my life back, Shayne.”

“And you fucking got it.” Angela was beside them, one hand on each of them, Arasha letting Courtney go.

Amanda grabbed at Courtney’s hand in an instant. Everything was exactly the way it was supposed to be.

She was never going to let anyone, or anything take it from her.

--

Half an hour later, they were separated again. This time, it wasn’t so bad. Spencer had pulled Amanda to the patio to have a private conversation and Arasha and Angela and the boys convinced Courtney to get in on a game of ‘drunk’ Flip 7. Which was really just that every time you busted, you had to take a drink. They were all starting to feel it and they’d only gotten through 2 rounds. Arasha was the only one who hadn’t had to drink a drop yet. Courtney gave her a dirty look as she had to down the rest of her martini.

She was getting tipsy enough to want to be touched and held and it was making her miss Amanda. Especially because she was being subjected to Arasha sitting between Angela’s legs and leaning back into her literally five feet away. They were all sitting around Amanda’s massive coffee table, cross legged on the floor like little kids. Aside from the alcohol, obviously.

Courtney was zoning out instead of paying attention to the rest of the round. She’d busted on her second card. 2 12s in a row. Her luck was shit tonight, but hey, at least she’d managed to talk Amanda off a ledge. She’d never seen the woman she loved so insecure and afraid. It was a whole new emotional side to navigate. Amanda really was different. Courtney felt like she was learning things every single day.

“Whoa. Whoa. Hey, Chanse, slow down.” Amanda’s voice seemingly came from nowhere, quick and concerned.

Courtney glanced over her shoulder to see Amanda and Spencer crossing the threshold at the sliding glass door back into the house, Amanda holding her phone to her ear. Spencer nonchalantly walked into the living room and plopped down onto the floor with everyone else.

“What? What are you even saying?” Amanda went on, heading down the hall toward her own room. Courtney’s eyes followed her. The conversation faded behind a closed bedroom door.

“What’s that about?” She asked Spencer. He gave her a shrug.

“Her agent called once, and she ignored it and then he called two more times. Seems kinda important.”

Everyone’s gaze was on Courtney. Cool. All right. She picked herself up as gracefully as she could. “Take my spot, Spence. And don’t fuck it up for us. We have 75 points.”

“Aye aye, captain.”

She didn’t look back. Her feet were carrying her on auto pilot. She didn’t even feel like she took a breath until she was in Amanda’s bedroom. Amanda was sitting on the edge of the bed. The phone call was over, but she was scrolling through something, the expression on her face something Sarah Christ would wear. A detective’s scrutiny.

“Hi, baby. What’s up? Everything okay?”

Amanda startled at the sound of her voice, head shooting up and one hand going to her chest. “Jesus, Court. You scared me.”

Courtney let out a light laugh. “I’m sorry. Is everything okay? Did Chanse have bad news or something?”

Amanda put her phone down and shook her head. “No. No. Everything’s fine. He’s got it covered.”

“Are you sure? Spencer said it sounded serious.”

Amanda stood up and draped both her arms over Courtney’s shoulders, eyes trained down on her in a look of affection. It was in such contrast to her words that Courtney felt dizzy. “Just somebody trying to stir some shit, but Chanse has it covered.”

“What kind of shit?”

“Court.” Amanda admonished her gently. “I promise it’s okay. We can talk about it tomorrow.”

“All right.” She did her best to relax under Amanda’s hold. “I think everyone has to crash here because Trevor really wanted to play drunk Flip 7 and now he’s just as wasted as everyone else.”

Amanda burst out laughing. “That’s perfectly fine. Arasha and Ang can crash in one room. The boys can share the other. I’ll make everyone eggs and bacon and toast in the morning to soak up their hangovers.”

“Spoken like the true mom friend.” Courtney replied, smirking at her girlfriend.

“Yeah, well, what can I say. Everyone missed me for a reason.”

“I missed you for a hell of a lot more reasons than that.”

“Please provide an itemized list. I could use the ego boost.” Amanda joked as they began to walk back down the hall to the cacophonous sounds of their drunken friends.

“I think you could guess most of them.” Courtney said, sliding her fingers through Amanda’s and dragging her over to a spot on the couch, above the coffee table where everyone was still playing. She made Amanda sit first and then she plopped down right into her lap, leaning to the side so she was practically cradled in Amanda’s arms.

“What the hell, Court?” Spencer piped up. “Are you not getting back in the game?”

“No. I’m good here for now.”