Count My Ways

I have become so numb to the world, To the people around me That emotions now hit me like a tidal wave Pushing me over unexpectedly, Taking me far from the safely of these four walls And into a world of unknown I must then fight through mist and darkness To find my way back Only to be met with unfamiliar surroundings Is this how I left it? Ransacked I feel as if someone has invaded my mind Taken from me what I hold most dear My comfort and stability So I start to rebuild To place new things in the place of old I am home But what is that I hear in the distance The sound of marching feet and churning waves The water is coming And I have built my home on the sand

You try to flyhigh above the flames of hell, Into the light of heaven, Only to be shot back down again, Wings spread out beneath you, Crying out in agony and sorrow, As your brothers and sisters turn their backs, One by one, The darkness is creeping in so as a final resort, You turn your back and hide in shame so the father of all, Will not see the scars laced on your heart, As the pain spills from your eyes and down your cheeks, As your feathers fall and turn to ash, You cared enough to lock yourself away, Where no one but the tainted will ever go, Where you can do no more harm, And, in turn, no one will see your brokenness

We are the ones who walk the path tread by many, yet as they look at the sky, the crossroads ahead in life, we look at the ground. We know where each pebble, stone, pothole and brook is. They know the position of the sun, moon, stars and clouds. We know the leaves in autumn, they know them in spring. The colours of their pallet range from yellows to blues with red mixed in. Our life consists of greys, browns and black. They will see life from birth to death, all the things we are missing. So I tell you people of the lost, people of the forgotten all those who got left behind because as they were looking at the ground, minding their own business so that they didn’t get trampled on in the stamped, those around them continued on this road. Lift your eyes to the world experience the colours, the world of life, the world we are missing.

Hell hasseen into the deepest depths of my soul And ripped through the cracks turning them into cannons And yet here I am with a shovel and some dirt trying to fill them again I work in vain and will be long dead before any real progress is made With sweat on my brow and aches in my bones To fill these cannons before you see them and realize just how broken I am Don’t you see I am not pushing you away because something is wrong with you No something is very wrong with me and I am trying to save you from the darkness It creeps around the edges and sucks anyone who gets too close in Pulling them further away from me than any of my pushing will take them I learnt from the mistakes of letting people get too close Watching as they lay in my arms and the light fades from their eyes I am a curse, a disease and there seems to be no cure, keep back! Why do you insist on moving closer to me? After I left you for dead, hurt you in every way possible, still you return to me, Why? I am weak and undeserving of this attention, go, leave Give it to someone who hasn't seen war and pain and suffering like me Someone full of life, who has light shining in their eyes Leave me be . . .

Og Mandino

I am lost In aworld so wide And vast in space But yet I hide  I am unloved No family, no friends To comfort me When it ends I am hurt Scarred and torn In many places Here I mourn I am used Thrown away Like rubbish Floating through the day I am dead Nothing left for me Well, here I go One… Two… Three…

Why should werise above the waters so deep, away from the peaceful, calm, serenity of our surroundings? Rise to a place where the colours are so bright, the sounds so clear. A place where we what we do affects those around us for better or worse. Where we must learn from those before us and try not to make the same mistakes. Where a single action could make the world or break it? But maybe that is exactly why we must because if we don’t, who will?

If you can’tsee any of the brilliant qualities in yourself then wipe the dust from the mirror or the tears from your eyes for there must be something blocking your view and if that doesn’t work then use the eyes of others because they may see the world in a pallet of colours you are blind too.

Khalil Gibran

Lies. So many lies. So many lies it hurts. Lies wrapped in a slimmer oftruth smothered in lies. All around me lies fly. Lies and ... darkness. A darkness created by man todestroy man. Greed, lust and envy are but some that make up this swarming darkness. A broken man is promised power. But I ask you what is power? You could have all the power in the world but without the knowledge of how to control it you are nothing. Without knowledge the darkness and power consumes the man leaving him but a shell of his former self. Then the darkness moves onto the next broken man and consumes him and another and another and so the cycle continues. The knowledge that these broken men can no longer grasp is just out of their reach. The knowledge of truth. For truth is knowledge and knowledge is truth. But lies is knowledge and knowledge is lies. So I ask you who holds the right knowledge. The right truth

Let me burn Here in hell I will burn Oh how I fell

Some days I will write pages upon pages, some days none at all. And yet here I am trying to spill words to pages and force a whisper into a shout. Speak what must be spoken, no more, no less.

Walter Lippmann

I need to learn that everything I type here will not be perfect and that is okay. I don't need to re-write everything. These are my words, not anyone else's and what/how I write doesn't involve them. I don't know how long I will keep this up with school and stuff but it will last as long as it serves a purpose and right now that purpose is to listen.

I started this blog just so I could vent. No one will probably ever read these words, or maybe they will. I know I will. I will look back on these days and laugh at the things I said, the things I thought. Most of these moments will back me cringe and want to hide away with embarrassment but that's okay, that is why this is here. To Count My Ways. The way I speak. The way I read. The way I think. The way I live my life.