Counterfeit Content

Man, I’ve been to Orlando. Visiting that city is like being full-body licked by a giant raspy snail tongue.

A less ridiculous version of that murder trial actually happened to the director of Cannibal Holocaust.

Working for an SEO company for 6 months gives you a lot of feelings about capitalism. Presenting, Eliza Vermouth of Coach Outlet Online!

Rupert Fishman, of Funny Insurance Claims Dot Com. This fake blog was just a bunch of super dry, mildly spammy articles about insurance claims. I liked the idea of the whole production being the work of a hacky anti-comedian. Also, the web dev that put Rupert onto the site accidentally copied and pasted the phrase “Ownership Bio,” maybe as his own act of avant-comedy?

I was asked to create a webmaster for a fake blog at the url “cardealera.com,” presumably meant to capture traffic from people failing to type “cardealer.com” correctly. Introducing Cartney Cotard, here to explain the dramatic and complex culture of car dealers.

Also, the fish milk thing is true (though drunk people at parties never believe me and yell really loud about it). The species that does this is called the discus fish. Yum.

2. This is the final, censored version of this bio, believe it or not. The woman who’d been editing my biographies to make them less weird actually made this one MORE weird. She didn’t remove any of my jokes, but she did add the sentence “You might go as far as saying that my content could be presented by no one other than a TV anchor,” as well as the spammy sentences at the end. She also completely redid the sentence structures of most of the post, but in completely inconsequential ways that still preserved their goofiness. I can not understand what she was trying to do with this one.

Gary Burton, of Rochester Pictures, wants desperately to be your new favorite artiste.

Olivia Slosh is floating right toward you on that great big rotating neon hovercraft we call tumblr!

Hank Durango of Home Improvement Tax has a voracious, sinful hunger for construction!

Kurt Eisenstein of Healthy Balanced Diet Dot Net is one of my most precious children. His determination stat is maxed out. He is one step away from cutting oxygen out of his diet; too many carbz

Werner Burton of Take Loan Dot Com. That is about the most predatory sounding url I’ve ever heard of, so I decided I’d better write something pretty silly for it. I didn’t want anyone taking any loan-related advice from a content farm.

The despicable Lars Fick is here to tell you about why I got the hell out of the film industry after a single internship!

Pat Clifford is the Norm Abrams of the new millennium. My manager saw this bio and laughed out loud at the line “we’re not gonna talk about age 15,” and then told me that he hated to say it, but I really needed to start toning these down a little.

I named this webmaster Lawrence Predicate, but the guy attaching the images used a photo of this lady going for a full-body sushi lunge. Well, here we are, I guess.

Today you are one lucky animal because now is your change to get acquainted with one of my more frightening webmasters, Frankline Ferdinand!

Lydia Hargraves, talkin’ about one of my favorite streets in one of my favorite cities.