Just A Pen

When this scar hurts it reminds me of how I’m living in this half survival that’s much crueler than the brick that would’ve done the trick..

just ended it all right then instead of leaving me here to carry all of this pain.

Some memories just resurface no matter how hard you work to beat them down.

I went to sleep content and woke up with a split lip.

More than he ever has when I was awake

My sheets twisted into confessions

And the ceiling is bending, inhaling my every exhale

Did I invent this beautiful man or am I remembering him?

He’s talking but he sounds a bit like the box fan

I don’t feel his weight in the bed

I’ve never been the praying type but

I want the truth

Lover, leave those flowers in the ground

Hand me your troubles

I’d wear the attention like a jacket

pulling laughter and tears from an audience and hushing them with a single note

when a thousand hearts leaned in it was the kind of embrace I’d long for, that I could count on

Hands meeting hands in applause felt like forgiveness for the things I couldn’t forgive myself for

I was someone worth gathering for

but now the spotlight has been replaced by the dull light I can’t sleep without

and that jacket hangs in the closet of my mind. I’ll visit sometimes but leave in a hurry

I’m tired of the pull

Tired of the tug

My body hurts

If I closed my eyes

And they chose to never open again

I’d be okay

Touched one final time

words for someone else

I could feel it

the sudden dimming makes sense now

your warmth not gone, but rationed now

and then the comparison creeps in

There must be a brighter and easier option

one that’s more brave with a lighter past to carry

and the most wrenching part?

they don’t become cruel

they actually begin to tiptoe around you

as if they are trying to spare you

and my feelings are too hard to hold

just like the pieces I’ll never fit in the frame

never kept

never put together

There’s a certainty in the way their hands belong on each other that should never be questioned

Let everyone see

How desire to this degree should never be hidden

They’ll lay it all on the pavement and dare them all to look away

The same embrace that crushed just moments before now rock me gently

Pressing his chest to the bruises that he made

His voice before stern and demanding now smooth and careful

He places me back together after the damage

Did you feel me think about you?

Those thoughts..

They spill out honest, really.

Tripping over a bit of pride maybe..

But I mean every word

Though they may lean on memories I thought were buried..