I could write some long tribute to 2015, about how it made me grow, a list of accomplishments, the people I spent the year with - any of that, I could spill it out onto the page and it would be nice to read again in two or three years. But all I want to say is that in 2015, I found myself. And I hate that phrase because it sounds so cliche, but I really spent this year understanding myself and watching myself grow and learn in ways I wouldn’t have expected in 2014.
In 2014, I nearly failed precalculus. In 2015, I completed the calculus series and received an award for being a distinguished student in mathematics. I tutored math all year, even though I struggled learning it the year before. That surprised me the most.
In 2014, I left the year with 2 or 3 friends, people I didn’t even see on a regular basis. In 2015, I found a group of friends and fell in love with all of them, and then lost almost all of them again to time and distance. I am not always a good friend. I am not always a good person; I struggle with being patient and kind, but instead I am selfish and quick to set aside those who I no longer agree with, or don’t put equal effort into our friendship. But I’ve found people who love me for that, who love me for who I’ve become and I appreciate them endlessly.
In 2014, I wasn’t proud of myself and didn’t think I deserved much. In 2015, I started the year heartbroken and back-broken and just feeling broken-down in too many ways. I left 2015 with a lot of tears shed. I cried every time I got my grades back at the end of a semester. I cried many times during spring semester when one of my best friends seemed to keep kicking me while I was down. I cried at my successes and failures and fears about the future. But the last time I cried in 2015, it was because I was sitting next to the boy I love, and looking at him carried up waves of emotion in me, joy for being given this gift of someone who loves me, contentment knowing we started off perfectly and made it through the semester happier and stronger, and just love. Waves of love that demanded to be felt, that I let wash over me and let myself slip under to be surrounded by that all-encompassing, inexplicable, overwhelming feeling. This boy has brought me perfect happiness. And I think I deserve it.
I’m leaving 2015 feeling sure of myself. I have a better understanding of what I’m capable of and what I can feel. Hell, I have a whole new set of emotions under my belt. I rediscovered self-control. I rediscovered anger when I finally understood what I deserved and I wasn’t given even that bare minimum. I discovered that nostalgic sadness feels a hell of a lot easier than sadness felt in the moment. I discovered nirvana and was inundated by love.
I’m leaving 2015 feeling successful and proud and I don’t know what else to say. I learned to love myself. I learned to love easier and fiercely. I learned to see the beauty in people’s faces and the beauty in forgiveness. It was a wonderful year.
Thank you for reading.
