Tsubaki Usa

But that’s the bad part about having a crush on someone. Despite knowing all of these factors, I selfishly wish that none of those factors exist and that I still have a chance. I want to be the most important person in her life. And currently she’s making me feel that way. She’s making me feel like I’m so important to her and so special to her that I’m mistaking it for a deeper meaning. Maybe it’s because I’m one of her new friends and she wants to get to know me better and for us to be forever close. Maybe that’s why she’s making me special. But it also hurts me. Because, at the end of the day, I know the truth. I’m not that special to her. There will be someone more special to her than me. 

I can tell that we live very different lives to the point that it feels like I’m such a huge outsider. I know she’s trying to get me into her life but... the closer we are trying to get, the more I can tell how different and how uncomfortable I feel trying to be in her life. Not because I like her. It’s uncomfortable because I’m trying to be a social person just to be in her life when I’m a anti-social person. I feel pressured to do things a different way that a social person would do when I’d much prefer my anti-social ways of doing them. It’s just... takes so much of my energy... so much of me not being me... and it hurts to know she wants me to be there. As a social person. And I’m bad at saying “No” to stuff like that. But it makes me so insecure. It makes me feel so isolated. 

I’m going to go recharge myself now.

Why do I still like that straight-ass girl? I don’t know but my interactions with her always make me fall for her more instead of giving up more. Until the interactions stop. And then I remember that she’s straight.

I also realize that it doesn’t help that I’ve developed an obsession through her called Beyblade. And I’m just feeding that obsession because “THESE CHILDREN ARE SO GODDAMN POSITIVE AND THEIR VIBES JAM INTO MY HEART GIVING ME POSITIVE VIBES!!!!” And so whenever I’m into Beyblade, I think about her and get giddy. Until remembering that she’s straight. 

I got plans to hang out with my crush in 2 weeks.

I watched the first Ant Man movie, just in case we decide to watch the new one.

Now to decide: Do I finish Beyblade Burst and move on to Evolution OR Do I rewatch the Incredibles in case we decide to watch the new one? Or do I jam pack my time with both? That is an option. 

Edit:

I’ve been happy for quite some time now. Actually enjoying my life. Truly thinking that I am happy and being productive. 

But today, that came crashing down. It makes me think that all of my productivity that I’ve been experiencing has just been a waste of time. It makes me think that I’m a waste of space.

But I don’t want to give up my happy vibes. So I’m sticking to my “new” habits, going to continue my actions that make me feel productive, and well... screw my life over by falling in love with an anime series I have no interest in for the mere fact that my crush absolutely loves it.

I can’t tell if I am “in love” with her or if I simply enjoy her becoming my friend. But either way, I am happy that she is in my life. I think that’s more important than worrying about how deep these feelings run.

You do not have a crush on her. You do not have a crush on her. Stop having a crush on her you don’t even fully know her. You will 100% fully regret your life choice if you let yourself have a crush on her. Besides, she is most likely straight. So even if you do develop a crush on her, you won’t be able to catch her attention. So do not get a crush on her. You are deprived of human interactions, which is your own fault, and just because she is offering to hang out with you, which none of your friends have done this summer but it’s understandable because life and because you don’t invite them to, does not mean you have to develop a crush on her. So do not have a crush on her. Act normal, do not treat hanging out with a friend as a date, and do not get your hopes so high up in the sky because it will most likely crash down and burn.

...

I probably 100% have a crush on her ffffffuuuuuuuuu--

This crush is destined to fail.

How did I even get a crush on her? I barely know her? I just thought it was cool and she was literally like a bottle of sunshine so if I got to know her or just sometimes find out how she’s doing that I’ll get some happiness from it. I didn’t think I’d fall in love with her. Aaahhh, if I don’t act natural then I’ll totally come off as a weirdo and she won’t even want to be friends with me. Friendship lasts way more than love. Think of her as a friend. Maybe your crush is because you want to develop a friendship with her but you’re so nervous that you think it’s a crush. That’s definitely it.

I am trying to figure out what I should actually watch and finish next for anime. So I put up the options I’m kinda interested in on my instagram story.

The last poll I put down

“Because I know I don’t finish anything when I should so I want to finish stuff before I move on:

Option 1: Yea you don’t finish shit

Option 2: You haven’t finished shit?”

Do you mean the anime that gives me vibes that that will be life? The anime that is predicting my future? The anime that, when it first came out, I couldn’t believe how unpopular it was but I couldn’t finish watching it all because it was way too relatable and was trying to release 100 eps and I couldn’t bother with waiting for each episode release? So that now that it’s popular because of Netflix (???) I am once again suffering from way-too-relatable things?

BTW, WHY DID IT TAKE NETFLIX TO MAKE THAT SERIES POPULAR INTERNATIONAL?!?!?! I MEAN, SURE IT WAS KINDA OVERSHADOWED BY ONE PUNCH MAN, HAIKYUU SEASON 2, OSOMATSU-SAN, AND BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA, BUT SERIOUSLY??? 

I TOTALLY THINK THAT MY REPORT IS TERRIBLE BECAUSE I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I HAD TO WRITE OR HOW TO WRITE WHAT I NEEDED TO WRITE; HOWEVER, I AM RATHER CONFIDENT WITH THE NUMBERS I GOT. WORST CASE SCENARIO I JUST FAIL THE WRITING PART AND DO GOOD WITH THE CALCULATIONS.

I AM READY TO CRY BECAUSE I AM SO DARN HAPPY I DID IT. ;A;