unanswered questions, avoiding the main question.

that’s all it took to completely uphold my life, my self confidence, my heart.

On the one hand I’m happy that I found out early, that I wasn’t completely fucking blindsided. But now the pit of despair is in my chest and stomach and I don’t know how I’m supposed to ever feel okay again.

I gave birth to his fucking child. I could have died, I could have become a vegetable from seizures and this is how I’m repaid.

I feel worthless, I feel disgusting. I find myself comparing every part of my body to hers, every aspect of my personality to hers. I can’t help but feel like I’m nothing to compare to. He wants the girl with no baby, the one who still has her whole body in tact.

I spend hours searching, analyzing and overthinking every interaction, wondering what I could have done differently.

I see her, I see them, and I look at myself.

Much prettier bodies, better personalities and of course they’re white.

And I look at myself, I’m just someone’s mom now, my life devoted to my little girl who has my face. So I sit, and I try to make sense of these awful feelings.

But they always win, consume me whole while I read messages over and over of what he could have had, yet he chose me.

Or did he just settle?

I’ll never truly know, for now this jealousy devours my whole soul, never relenting, never giving me a second to breathe.

I wake up every day TRYING to be the person my daughter strives to become. I will always put her above me and my emotions, I will always put her first. I will always raise the bar for myself so that I am constantly fighting to be the best for my daughter.

I stumbled upon messages from an old friend and it was like a punch to the gut. Someone who admitted they loved me, that I was their best friend when I could never summon the courage to tell them too.

I’m sorry to those who lent their hand out to me. Hoping I would return the same love and care, only for me to bite them. Telling them I do not care and that I am not capable of love.

I wasn’t.

I’ll always be grateful for the softening of my edges, the warmth brought back to my soul and allowing myself to be loved and more importantly, show that same love back.