─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Chan was twenty-two when he first met you. Seeing you across the bar, smiling widely as you sipped on your cosmopolitan and laughing with your friends. His eyes couldn’t leave you. He felt his heart sped up as he watched you say something to your friends before throwing your head back to laugh. There was something about the way you looked while you laughed, the way that he could see your eyes shine under the bar lights and the way you looked so invested in telling your story. 

He could barely hear what Woojin was telling him, or what Woojin was trying to tell him as he soon gave up when he noticed that Chan wasn’t even paying attention.

“Why don’t you go talk to her?” Woojin asks, setting his glass down and chucking an elbow into Chan’s side teasingly.

“Why in the world would I do that?” Chan laughs, before taking another look at you quickly realizing that you had left the spot. His smile instantly dropped, wondering if maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Of course it was his own fault for not having the courage to even talk to you, but how could he when you were a whole goddess? There wasn’t even a small chance for him to-

“Hey.” A soft voice greeted from behind him.

Woojin choked on his drink and sent glares at Chan to turn around. You were standing right behind him with that same cosmo in your hand and a bright smile wrapped on your lips.

“H-hey.” Chan choked out, not wanting to believe his eyes because maybe fate was playing a trick on him. Or maybe he was too drunk and he was finally going crazy.

“I didn’t mean to startle you, but I saw you staring for quite a while.” You laugh and Chan could feel his heart began to beat out of his chest. After seeing you laugh and wondering what it sounded like, he was finally able to know. “Just wanted to at least say hello or something, my friends all think you’re really cute.”

“My friend thinks you’re really cute too!” Woojin shouts before begin shoved by Chan who turned a dark shade of red.

You giggle, watching the two of them argue under their breaths before Chan turned back around to continue talking to you.

“You aren’t too bad looking yourself though.” You smile before waving goodbye to the two boys.

Chan didn’t know if his ears played tricks on him, he froze in the moment before finally snapping out of it and running to catch up to you.

“Hey!” He calls out, taking a hold on your wrist and spinning you around, “Can I take you out for dinner sometime?”

And you’d never tell Chan, but you were so glad he finally found the courage in him to do it.

It took another week and a half before you received a text message from Chan. You smiled to yourself while reading the message, thinking to yourself that he probably found more confidence because it was short but straight to the point.

‘You, me. Dinner at 7 at the High Point downtown.’

As you thought your Friday night was going to be spent sitting on your couch watching reruns of some crime show, you had to run from your boring office job to your apartment to get ready for a fancy date with one of the most attractive men you have ever laid your eyes on.

You weren’t sure what to expect from the date. Were you nervous? Hell yeah. Were you almost as excited as you were nervous? Most likely. There was something about Chan that was so intriguing to you. Maybe it was the way his dimple pressed into his skin whenever he would smile. Or the way his eyes shone so brightly whenever he would laugh after saying something to his friend.

If only he knew, you were just as interested in him when you first laid eyes on him at the bar as he was with you.

“Hello gorgeous.” He smiled, getting up to greet you. He pulled out the chair for you and called the waiter at the same time to take your drink orders.

His eyes were on you the entire time. Even after you both shared a plate of alfredo because you didn’t realize how expensive the restaurant truly was. Plus you both rather spend the money on the expensive wine that the British waiter kept recommending.

“Sweet grapes that were fermented over a hundred years.” Chan mimicked, in a snooty fake accent before laughing almost to the point of tears.

“Chan stop, he’ll hear you!” You laughed, feeling your stomach ache at the amount of laughing you’ve done the past hour.

You couldn’t help but laugh as hard as he did too. Maybe it was the entire bottle of wine you both shared finally hitting you. Or maybe it was the fact that you were quickly falling in love with a handsome Australian hopeless romantic. His words not yours.

The next few weeks were spent falling deeper in love with Chan and his smallest quirks. The way his nose would crinkle whenever he laughed. His soft curls bouncing whenever the two of you would dance at ungodly hours to music that you both loved. His honey rich accent lacing itself on every word he would say to you, whether it was just a response to you or sweet nothings into your ear while you both were cuddling. Chan had found his way into your heart… and you weren’t opposed to it.

Then on your two year anniversary, you laid on the freshly dewed grass with him. The stars shining brighter than you had ever seen in your life. Your heart racing as you thought back to the item you were dying to show Chan but were at the same time too afraid to know his response.

Chan noticed the change in your demeanor and sat up, looking down at you with a warm smile.

“What is it sweetheart?” He asks, pressing his palm against your cheek.

“Promise you won’t get mad?” You ask in return, hoping that he wouldn’t be upset with you.

“I would never baby.”

“I’m three months pregnant.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“You’re so beautiful.” Chan says through his tears, cooing at his newly born son who was fast asleep in his arms, “You look just like your mum.”

You smile peacefully at the sight of the two of them. Your two most prized loves in the universe. There was nothing that could change the amount of happiness you were feeling right now. At least, that’s what you thought for the next several months.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Leading up to your son’s first birthday, you were scrambling to work enough hours to get a vacation day. You went back and forth from work and home, with little to no hours of sleep with the thought that you were on top of the world for being able to do so. At least that was until you were waiting on your papers to print and the world around you went dark.

“Good morning, Ms. _____.” Doctor Lee greeted, a soft smile on his face. His eyes were bright, reminding you of the once life you had in your body before working way too many hours a week.

“Good morning.. Is everything okay with me? I’m sure it’s just overexertion right?” You start stammering, hoping to God that there wasn’t anything seriously wrong with you. There was too much for you to live for.

A great boyfriend and a precious son for you to come home to every night. A wonderful job that took you months to land. You were still so young. There couldn’t be anything seriously wrong. Why would there be? You were pretty healthy. You had flying colors at your last physical exam. There were the occasional migraines that began to frequent more often, but that was only because you were overworking yourself right? You were fine. There couldn’t be anything wrong with you. Right?

“We’ll have to do some more testing, but when we did your initial MRI… we might have found a tumor.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

A month passes. You had another few tests performed. Yet there was not a single word, you said to Chan throughout the entire process. You didn’t have the courage in yourself to tell him. You didn’t know how to.

You spent your son’s birthday together, smiling and laughing. Celebrating the life of your precious child, who you would give the entire world to if you could.

The next morning, you had gotten a call from the doctor’s office about the possible tumor being an actual tumor and that you needed to come in immediately for further testing.

You ended the call with tears in your eyes. Yet when you saw Chan turn the corner to walk into the room, you faked the biggest smile and kissed him goodbye, telling him you’d see him after work. He waved a loving goodbye to you with a full heart, holding your son in one hand and your heart in the other.

“There’s a possibility that it’s benign, which can be taken out with surgery.”

“And if it’s not?”

“If it’s not benign, then it would cross the territory of being malignant. A malignant tumor is extremely risky, since it can grow aggressively and rapidly. Then that goes into the talk of what type of tumor it could be, which is many different types.”

Your brain flickers to the thought of Chan and a teardrop rolls down your cheek. Why now? Why after you found your happy ending?

“How long will the testing last?” You ask, feeling your body grow weaker as you think about the series of test you’ll have to go through.

“It depends, but the sooner you start the sooner we can find out.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Five months pass. You hold your hand to your mouth to hold back the sobs that were ready to escape. Your doctor presses a firm hold on your shoulder, hoping to give you comfort yet there was nothing that could give you comfort.

“Glioblastoma. I’m so sorry. It’s too advanced to take out with surgery as it has spread towards your brain stem and most likely will go towards your spinal cord with time.”

“You’re lying.” You cry, feeling the tears continue to fall, “This can’t be true.”

“Would you like for me to call a loved one?”

“How long do I have?”

“From twelve to fifteen months. Throughout the entire process, we will continue to observe you and conduct monthly exams.”

“What if I don’t want the exams?”

Your doctor sighs and nods, almost as if he was expecting to hear you respond with this, “We send you condolences the last exam we give you, which would be today, and let you live the rest of your life the way you would like.”

Every thought you had was clouded by the pain and grief you were feeling in every ounce of your body. You weren’t thinking about your wellbeing, but instead how you wanted to spend your last days with Chan and your son.

“Thank you for everything doctor.”

And that same night, you went home crying. Crying over the fact that just when you thought the stars and planets have finally aligned in your favor, you were thrown the worse curveball you could have ever been thrown.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

“I booked a babysitter,” Chan whispers, pulling you into a hug as you batted your eyes open, “well.. It’s technically just Woojin, but I got him to watch the baby so we can go out.”

It took you a few seconds to not see stars and focus on Chan’s face, but you smiled anyways. You needed a day with just Change… even if it was just for a night.

You hummed in response, feeling a pain at the side of your head but ignoring it as you had grown used to doing.

“So, let’s get up. Get dressed in something pretty, which won’t be hard because you already are.” He laughs, pressing a kiss on your temple. Little did he know that you wanted to cry at the small gesture. Little did he know that you only had just over a year left together.

You put on one of Chan’s favorite dresses on you. It was rewarding to see that beautiful smile wrap on his lips as he twirled you around in your shared bathroom before he wrapped his arms around you.

“Let’s go live like we did when we first met.” He chuckles, pulling you down to the kitchen where Woojin was sitting as he watched your baby boy.

“We’ll be home by midnight.”

“You better or we both will go out to hunt you down.”

“I promise Woojs, thank you for this.” You smile, as you squeezed his shoulder.

You didn’t know what Chan had instore for the both of you, but you did know that he was taking a hell of a time to drive you two to the place. For most of the day, it was spending a few hours at your favorite breakfast place, laughing and dining together just like you both had done when you first started dating. Now you had been driving together for at least an hour and a half, before you got curious as to where he was taking you.

“Are we there yet?” You whine, turning the music down.

He smiled before checking the clock, “almost there. I swear.”

Then he drove onto a dirt road that lead towards a field of sunflowers. The sun was just beginning to set behind the beautiful, tall flowers. Your head was racing, almost forgetting about the pain that you had been feeling as you wondered of how Chan even knew of a place like this. A place that was almost like it was ripped out of a fairytale book you read as a child.

“What is this?” You ask, getting out of the car as Chan held the door open for you.

“Something I’ve been wanting to show you for months now.” He responds, grabbing your hand to lead you further into the field before you both reached a small fountain in the middle of it.

Now you were really wondering what Chan had up his sleeves.

He grabbed both of your hands, swinging them around softly with that cute little smile on his face. His dimples pressing deeply into his cheeks as he stared at you, almost like he knew that you both didn’t have much time left together.

“Close your eyes.” He whispered after pressing a gentle kiss on your forehead. Your heartbeat began to quicken as you closed your eyes, picturing your boyfriend and the beautiful sunset that was beginning to hide behind the tall sunflowers.

“Now,” He says, “open them.”

You opened your eyes to Chan on one knee and a small red velvet box in his hands, revealing a beautiful diamond ring to you.

“Marry me?” He asked, tears filling his eyes to the brim, “marry me because I don’t want to spend my life with anyone else. Marry me because when I laid my eyes on you at that bar, I knew I fell in love. Marry me because you are my soulmate and I wouldn’t change that for anything else in the world. Marry me… because you have my heart and all I want is to be able to call you my forever.”

Your heart sinks. Your smile fades and your eyes pool with salty tears even if you thought you had none left. You wanted to run, but your feet wouldn’t move. You wanted to scream but your voice remained silent. You couldn’t tell him no… but you definitely couldn’t say yes either.

“Baby?” Chan asks, beginning to feel the anxiety of you not answering him eating at him.

Your tears fell to the dry ground, as you fall to your knees. Your cries were silent, but you felt the pain wrapping itself onto every part of your limbs.

“I can’t.” You sob, “Chan I can’t… I’m so sorry. I can’t.”

He immediately wraps his arms around you, bringing a wave of comfort to you even if it wouldn’t fix anything. You couldn’t stop crying. You couldn't stop aching. You couldn’t stop wishing that you were given a better fate.

“Chan.. I’m dying.” You say, almost as a whisper, as you look into his dark brown eyes, “I don’t have long. I was so scared to tell you. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Wait what?” His face went pale as the box fell out of his hands. He joined you with both knees on the ground and almost losing all strength in his body to continue.

“I love you Chan. I really do.” You say, your hands finding their way to cup his face, “You were the best thing to ever happen to me baby. I love you and I always will.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Chan doesn’t realize he was crying until his son pointed it out. A shaky chuckle escaped his lips as he took another sip from his, now, room temperature beer.

“Will you tell me?” He asks, reaching out for a comforting hand to his father.

“All I can tell you is to not fall in love… because there’s just too much to lose.”

“Good morning starshine.” Jisung whispers, snaking his arms around your waist and pressing a kiss just under your ear.

“Good morning.” You greet back, before turning to face him.

You both shared the few seconds of blissful silence just in each others’ arms before the boys would come to attack you.

“Oi fellas! Little early for the PDA isn’t it?” Felix laughs, causing the two of you to split apart and laugh with him.

“It’s never too early to show my sweetheart some good ole loving.”

You crinkle your nose and cringe at the cute comment, wondering where he learned that one from this time. Probably Chan.. him and his hopeless romantic self.

“Just another week from graduation!” Hyunjin shouts as he joins the three of you. He slings his arm around Felix’s shoulders before the urge of throwing Lix into a headlock came to surface.

You laugh at the sight of your best friends just duking it out in the middle of the hallway as a small wave of sadness fills your heart. Only a week left to make high school memories with these idiots, even if you were going to university with all of them.

“Everything okay?” Jisung asks, pulling you closer to his side. He snuggles his nose into the crook of your neck as he waited for your answer.

You smile softly thinking about how different you life had become after meeting the boys, “everything’s perfect.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Even after the years of dating Jisung, your parents never approved of him. Through all the moments where they were shown he made you feel like you were living on cloud nine or through all his endless perfections that made him such an amazing guy, they couldn’t care less as he wasn’t from the elite class of riches.

Every time you heard about how they were disappointed in your choice of guys, you mentally rolled your eyes and wished they would keep quiet. No matter how many times you had to tell them that you were perfectly fine with him, with money or not, they would continue to show you their displeasure. Tonight was no different.

You sat at the dining table, quietly finishing your pasta as your mother let out a cough to bring your attention to her.

“We’re going to tell you this only once more,” She starts, as she patted away the pasta sauce with her tablecloth, “your father and I thought it would be best if you would get rid of the boy so you can make better connections throughout university. Your father even has several sons that are the heirs of their family company lined up to meet you.”

You scoff before placing down your fork, “I already told you I’m perfectly fine with Jisung. Please don’t make me repeat myself yet again.”

“I knew you were going to say that,” She laughs cunningly, “This time we aren’t letting you off. Either you break up with Jisung by the day you graduate or we will take the process to emancipate you from this family.”

You nod, with a soft laugh escaping your lips. Your parents had hit an all time low, figuring that you would want to follow their commands as they had owned most of your life due to the belongings you relied on had been purchased for them.

“Then call the lawyers mother.” You say before taking the last bite of your pasta.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Even if you had acted confident at the dining table, you felt the stress beginning to eat at you. You were completely clueless of how you were going to do this entire thing. You needed to figure out how to at least liquidate your bank account before they would close it, knowing them they wouldn’t leave it open after that.

You needed a plan and what sucks the most is that you only had less than a week to make sure that the plan would work out. One that would let you be able to laugh in your parents’ faces when you were able to leave. 

So then it began. You first went back downstairs to apologize to the both of them, telling them that they were right as you lied through your teeth and said that you would follow through with what they wanted. When your mother had accepted your apology, you made three separate withdrawals from your bank on three different days. Leading you to have liquidated five thousand dollars in cash that you stashed away in a backpack next to your duffle bag full of clothes, explaining to your mother that you needed the money for a new purse in which she believed. Idiot.

Next you needed to figure out where to stay, as you couldn’t stay with Chan as he had moved back to his home in Australia under an intern program. You were happy for him, but also sad you had to cross his name off the list of names of people you could somehow stay with until you could get back on your feet.

Every name was crossed out until you were at Jisung’s. His parents had lived in Malaysia for jobs, letting him stay in the states for school. There wasn’t much contact between them anyways, as their lives over there pretty much kept them busy. He didn’t have much besides staying with his aunt, who had expressed the want of Jisung to move out after graduation as well.

He was your last resort. Except you didn’t want to tell him that he was the main reasoning for your exile because it wasn’t his fault at all. It was due to your parents being money hungry garbage people and you not wanting to deal with them not accepting the fact you had found your soulmate. 

So you made a promise to yourself that you would never tell Jisung the real reason why you left your family.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

On graduation day, you kissed your parent’s cheeks before you left early to the stadium. Smiling as your grabbed your bags while they weren’t looking to pack into Chan’s rental car. (He was back for the weekend for graduation.) You had indirectly gave them their last goodbyes with the kiss and the official “I’m leaving” by leaving your car keys and phone on your nightstand.

“This is it.” You say, slamming the trunk close and looking over to Chan who leaned against the car.

“You sure about this?” He asks once more, looking over to you for confirmation.

“As sure as I’ll ever be,” You sigh, “All they ever cared about was money anyway.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were able to spot your parents in the crowd during the ceremony. Their big smiles on their faces as they watched their precious child walk across that stage, but little did they know you weren’t going to be coming home. 

Seconds before you were announced the graduating class, you ran over to find Jisung as everyone else did with their friends. You could feel the eyes of your parents boring into your skull. You held his hand tightly, with the biggest smile on your face.

3…

2… 

You let go of Jisung’s hand to cup his soft, squishy cheeks and stood on your tippy toes.

“Congratulations this year’s graduating class!”

1… 

The longer you stared at him, the more you fell for him even if you thought it wasn’t possible. You smiled before pressing a kiss onto his lips, feeling the sparks and fireworks just bursting out of your insides.

“I love you.” You whisper.

Jisung smiles so wide as his cheeks begin to heat up, but he did the same as you. Cupping your face and pressing another kiss on your lips and then your temples.

“I love you more.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

You were told by Chan about how your mother turned a tomato red before storming out of the stadium, with your father following cursing up a storm about how you played the both of them. You couldn’t help but to laugh the entire time, but at the same time you knew that you were no longer apart of that family.

“Do you want to go to Jisung’s now?” He asks, looking at the clock, seeing that it had been hours since you said your goodbyes to him to celebrate with Chan. Your only family left.

“Now or never at this point.” You laugh, kicking your feet up on the dash before being scolded by Chan to take them down.

“How are you going to tell him?”

“Who knows..”

The drive took almost an hour due to the traffic, leaving you to your own thoughts. What if you made a mistake? What if Jisung gets upset at you? What if-

“We’re here.”

You look to see that Jisung was sitting on his porch with his head in his hands and bags sat next to him, “Chan?”

He shrugs and mouths a ‘I don’t know.’ Which made you more confused as to what was going on. You ran over to him, falling on your knees in front of him as you heard his sniffles through the muffling of his hands.

“Jisung?” You call out, almost hesitate to find out why he was in tears.

“Oh.. oh hey.” He greets, quickly trying to wipe away his tears and laugh as he realized how pathetic he must look.

“Did something happen?”

“My aunt said I couldn’t stay anymore..”

“Funny how my parents said the same.”

He raises an eyebrow at you, wondering as to why your parents would ever kick out their beloved child, but at the same time he didn’t care at this point. You and him were stranded by the very people who were supposed to keep you safe. Maybe that’s why you were each other’s safe haven.

“Ji, I have five thousand.. We can use that to get a place and try to get back on our feet?”

“I don’t want to drag you down…”

You instantly take his hands into yours and smile as widely as you could, “You aren’t babe. It’s us against the world just like we’ve always said.”

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Three months later, you were sitting in a small apartment shared with Jisung. The five thousand covered the security deposit, first month’s rent and a few other necessities like a new phone for yourself, a mattress with your old sheets and some groceries. You weren’t living in riches like you used to, but you were comfortable because you were able to wake up to Jisung’s cute snoring face every morning.

The both of you started working full time jobs before the start of university, hoping to make enough to keep coverage over the rent and utilities. The boys were nice enough to take pity and help you buy furniture to make the apartment look more livable. Most nights you went to sleep worrying about how you would make next month’s rent, or how you’d be able to afford to eat. You laid awake most of the time, wondering why Jisung chose to stay when he could’ve gone somewhere else or back to Malaysia with his parents or even took that gig in Korea to pursue his musical dreams. You laid awake stressing over the fact that maybe you made a mistake and that some day Jisung will realize that too. Some nights, you wished that it had turned out for the better… hoping that Jisung wouldn’t find out.

Yet somehow being the best boy that he was, Jisung surprised you with dinner one night with macaroni and cheese on paper plates and a fake candle from the dollar store.

“Hey buttercup.” He smiles, feeling his heart race as he watches your eyes shine in awe and your tired face perk up with energy, “I know you’ve been worrying about everything… Chan hyung told me. I just want you to know that I’d love you under any roof.”

“Jisung..” You say, falling into his arms and instantly starting to cry your eyes out, “I just wish we had it better.”

“Babe, as long as we have each other… whats a bunch of money gonna do?” He smiles, combing his fingers through your hair, “I promise we’re gonna get through this to the point that we’re comfortable.”

Since not only did you lay awake at night worrying… Jisung did too. He wondered why you left your family for him. How you could’ve had a perfect life with a toothy grinned dentist and a big mansion, yet you chose him. Yet every time he spilled his worries to Chan, he was reminded that you’d be happier with him as the years had proved.

You had met Changbin at the age of eighteen, still young and full of life and just starting your university life. Never in a million years did you expect to meet the love of your life so young. Yet here you were, almost seven years later, sitting on the beach between Changbin’s legs listening to the waves and his heartbeat.

“Don’t you just love watching the seagulls trying to steal that man’s doritos?” Changbin laughs, looking to the side at the flock of birds.

“Changbin, why are you so interested in seagulls?” 

“Trauma,” He laughs while shrugging, “they stole my lunch one beach visit and now I have to keep an eye on them.”

“God, I love you idiot.” You laugh, pressing a kiss on his cheek before turning back to watch the waves again.

The sun began to set, letting the sky mix between beautiful shades of pink and orange while the bright blue water contrasted so wonderfully.

“I wish I could stare at this forever.” You sigh, leaning back against Changbin’s chest.

“Let’s just stay here. Forget about the world. Just us two.” He smiles, even when knowing you couldn’t see his soft smile as he looked down at you.

“You know we can’t do that.”

“But I want to.”

Changbin grabs ahold of your shoulders and turn you slightly to face him, “at least I want to have you by my side forever.”

Before you were able to say anything else, Changbin asked for you to close your eyes which you did anyways even if it confuses you. You kept your eyes close as you listened to the waves crash on the beach and Changbin fidgeting with something.

“What is it?” You ask, still keeping your eyes closed since he hadn’t asked you to open them yet.

“I bought something for you at the gas station earlier,” He replied, still fidgeting with the mysterious item, “okay now you can open them.”

“Changbin what is so special about-”

Your eyes land on the shimmering ring that glimmered in the setting sunlight. Your heart drops to the pit of your stomach as you look from him to the ring back to him. Was this real? Was this a dream?

“You’re lying.” You laugh, still in disbelief if this was really happening.

“Will you marry me?” He asks, a soft smile on his face with a flood of tears filling his eyes.

“Wait, no don’t cry baby! Of course I will Binnie, oh my God. Of course.” Your heart was racing as you were going through almost every emotion known to mankind. Changbin had finally proposed to you and you were going to officially send the rest of your life with your soulmate.

“I don’t know why I’m crying,” He laughs, taking the ring out of the box to slide it on your finger, “I thought I was going to have some extravagant speech or something but in the end I just wanted it to be simple and special for the both of us.”

You smile widely before taking your hands to wipe away his flowing tears, “Seo Changbin, I’m so glad you’re the love of my life.”

A year has passed since Hyunjin unexpectedly passed. A year since you felt your entire world crumble into pieces in front of you. Yet you could still remember the day like it happened yesterday.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

It was your average Wednesday morning. You kissed Hyunjin goodbye before he left for his classes and handed him his travel mug of coffee that you poured for him. How innocent of you to think that today would have been a normal day.  You went with your normal day. Feeding Kkami before leaving to your shift at the cafe since you didn’t have classes today. There wasn’t a worry in the world that you had.

You even wore a smile on your face the entire shift even if Jisung was talking your ear off and your feet were wearing you out. You had no reason to be upset, because even after a lengthy shift you would return back to your small, but comfy apartment to wrap your arms around your loving boyfriend and go to sleep knowing that you were perfectly content with your hectic life.

That was until Chan ran into the cafe franticly with tears already pooling in his eyes screaming about something you didn’t understand. He motioned you to follow him, pulling on your arm and yelling to your manager that it was an emergency. Your mind was spinning.

“Chan what’s going on?” You ask, trying to stay in pace with him as he ran through the hoards of people.

“It’s Hyunjin, he’s hurt.” He cries, not even turning around to look at you.

And that’s when you feel your world begin to crack under the pressure.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

It wasn’t long after that you had to say your last goodbyes to a Hyunjin that couldn’t say anything back. It felt like an eternity sitting at the funeral hall, greeting people left and right who gave you empty condolences and smiles to help ease the pain that was in your heart. Although nothing could help heal this pain that you had felt and the only thing you thought could heal it wasn’t even possible in this day and age.

You finally greeted the last family alongside Hyunjin’s family. They smiled and told you how they were hoping for the two of you to get married and start your own family together. They laughed and cried about how they wished that the wedding would’ve been when everyone came back together, not something like this.

All you could do was blankly smile before excusing yourself to cry into Chan’s arms for the tenth time that day. How could the world be so cruel?

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

Hours have passed since your last conversation with Hyunjin’s family. You could tell that both sides were hurting just as much, nobody would have wanted this. Especially for someone who was as bright and prosperous as Hyunjin.

You sat in the funeral hall, against the wall across from Hyunjin’s casket. His mother asked for it to be closed after the last family came to say their goodbyes, which meant you now sat and were staring at the wooden box. The only lights that were on were the ones in the hall as everyone had left to go home besides the staff.

You didn’t have the energy left in you to leave. You wanted to be with him every moment you could until you weren’t able to anymore. Which is why you sat and stared at the casket, at his bright smiling face in the picture, and the flowers that were sent from almost every friend and family that had heard of the devastating news.

“It’s going to be okay.” A soft voice whispers, before you felt someone sit down beside you.

You turned your head to be greeted with puffy, brown eyes and a soft smile.

“What are you still doing here Chan?” You ask, before leaning your head back.

You could hear him soft chuckle before a series of sniffles leave his system. He placed his hand on your knee and rubbed it to give you comfort.

“I couldn’t just leave you here,” He answers, “We’re all suffering without him and I know you’re taking it the hardest but you can’t keep doing this to yourself.”

“I feel like it’s my fault. That it should’ve been my time, not his.” You whisper, feeling the too familiar ache in your chest returning. Your hands begin to shake as you begin to think back to Hyunjin. “Maybe if I kept him at home a little longer. Maybe if I just asked him to take the day off because he was already stressed. Maybe if I-”

“Y/N, you really need to stop. No one could’ve prevented this.” Chan reassures, before taking ahold of your hand, “Hyunjin wouldn’t have wanted you to blame yourself. You need to go on and live your life in happiness for him.”

“But how do I find happiness when the reason I wake up in the mornings is gone?” You cry, looking up at Chan.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘

The next few days after his funeral services ended were the worst. You sat at home, empty, most of the week while your friends came in and out of your once shared apartment. Seungmin had taken guardianship of Kkami until you were back in a better mindset of caring for another being.

Chan, Woojin and Changbin had been taking turns staying the nights to make sure you were safe, which was also recommended by your, new, therapist (thanks to Chan) and Hyunjin’s family. Jisung, Minho and Felix tried their best to bring comforting things whenever they visited after their classes.

Jisung brought over a card game that you had no energy to play, but you enjoyed watching the others play it. Minho tried to bring one of his cats to help ease the pain, but all it did was remind you of Kkami and then you cried for an hour straight. Felix brought your favorite snacks and as much as you appreciated the effort, you weren’t in the mood to be enjoying life.

Jeongin was the only one you hadn’t snapped at yet throughout the week since Hyunjin passed. You had too much of a favoring towards the boy after his numerous times that he came to the apartment to hang out with you and Hyunjin. Plus he didn’t try anything extra to help you cope. All he did on his designated day was wrap a blanket around you, cuddle up against you and put on some Disney movies. Although it didn’t help ease the pain, you did go from feeling terrible to just feeling numb.

It had almost been a week since Hyunjin passed. You were too afraid to go into the once shared bedroom because you knew his scent was on everything. From the pillows to the clothes that were left in the closet. You hadn’t step foot in the room since you were carried home by Chan after the visitation services.

Hell, it took you a few days before you agreed to shower because you were scared of closing your eyes and seeing Hyunjin’s face or seeing his reflection in the mirror.

Everything hurt and you just wished it would stop. Everything hurt and you just wished Hyunjin was back to wrap you in his arms.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

You lost track of time at this point. You didn’t know what day it was nor how long it had been since you last kissed Hyunjin’s cheek in the morning. Luckily you were good friends with the owner of the cafe you worked at, which meant you were allowed as much time off that you needed. Unfortunately it meant you didn’t leave the house at all unless one of the boys dragged you outside or it was time for your therapy sessions.

You didn’t remember the last time you got a full night’s worth of sleep. You slept on the couch now, usually with your head on someone’s lap or just in the upright position from you sitting. Still too afraid to go into your bedroom alone. Still needing the boys to go in with you whenever you needed to grab clothes from the closet.

At the point, you were too broken to the point of repair. You just wanted your Hyunjin back.

“You need to eat.” Woojin presses, sliding the bowl of ramen over to you. It was instant, but better than nothing.

You let out a sigh before poking at the noodles with the chopsticks. Just like Chan said, progress even if it was baby steps.

“Wait where is Chan?” You ask, before taking another bite into the bundle of noodles.

Woojin points to the bedroom and says he doesn’t know why Chan’s been in there for so long. It left you confused and intrigued so you put the bowl down and went to the bedroom.

The door knob was cold to the touch. It sent shivers down your spine as you faintly could remember when Hyunjin used to complain about how hard you had to turn the knob to be able to open the door.

“Chan?” You call, looking around the dark room before seeing a darkened figure leaning against the closet door. You could hear his light sniffles from the door, but you knew not to question him about it in fear of him snapping.

“Sorry, I was trying to sort out your clothes so you didn’t have to come in here that often if one of us weren’t here with you.” He pulls a smile onto his saddened face and wiped his tears away with the sleeve of his shirt. 

You shake your head and mumble a thank you but you still go to sit next to him, noticing that the hoodie he was holding wasn’t even yours but Hyunjin’s.

“He loved that hoodie,” You begin, reflecting on the amount of times you remembered him wearing it, “He said he loved it the most out of every one because you bought it for him on his birthday with your first paycheck... He really looked up to you Chan.”

Chan looks over at you, placing the hoodie into his lap and beginning to tear up. His soft smile spread onto his face but the pain that reflected in his eyes were telling such a different story.

“You can’t keep taking care of us Chan,” You mumbled, softly as you could feel your voice giving out on you, “You can’t keep helping us, or just me. You can’t keep pretending that you’re okay and hiding away like this with all the pain. You need to heal, too Chan.”

That’s when you first saw Chan crying as hard as he did. For the years you had been friends with him and the boys, you never knew Chan could cry like this. He was too focused on how the rest of the boys were at Hyunjin’s funeral to cry. He had been too focused on your wellbeing to even put his into a priority.

“It’s been so hard.” He cried, “I just miss him so much and I don’t know what to do anymore.”

Just like he did for you, you wrapped your arms around Chan pulling him close and giving the comfort that he deserved. You listened to him cry and pour his pain out to you. A pain that he had been holding in because he was too worried for everyone else. A pain that he should’ve had someone there to help him with.

“I was supposed to be his older brother. I was supposed to be there to protect him.” He sobbed, his hands trembling as he kept crying.

“We all can’t be guardian angels Chan. You have to stop blaming yourself, just like you told me to do. You were his older brother and you protected him from everything that you could. You have to remember that.” You whisper, still holding Chan in your arms.

“You have to remember that he wouldn’t want us to blame ourselves.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

It’s been roughly three months since Hyunjin’s passing. Three months since you lost a part of your heart and your world, but you were making progress to living a life without the love of your life. 

You were able to sleep in your bedroom again. At first it started with needing the boys to still be in the apartment in case of vivid nightmares that ended with you sobbing until you crashed due to sheer exhaustion, but now you were at the point of being alone in the apartment. Kkami was still with Seungmin, but it was better that way you suppose.

You still left Hyunjin’s side of the bed untouched. You still had dreams of where you would wake up and he was laying right beside you, smiling brightly as if nothing happened. But you were recovering. Slowly but surely.

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

Six months in and you finally had enough courage in you to pack away Hyunjin’s things. Chan offered to help you, but you had assured him that it was a stepping stone for you. You needed this final piece of closure from your hurt.

You opened the closet full of Hyunjin’s old clothes. A soft smile spread on your face as you could remember a memory that you shared with Hyunjin with each piece of clothing.

You managed to go through most of his clothes, pulling them down and folding them to put away in the designated donation box, without crying before you had came across one of his blazers.

It was simple and black so it looked like the others, but the small heart pin stood out to you.

You remembered pinning it on his blazer on one of your date nights in the earlier stages of your relationship. His soft, but teasing smile as he joked about you pinning his heart. As much as you wanted to cry, you knew not to.

It was a happy memory, there was no reason for you to sob over it. At least, that was until you heard a crinkle of paper when you went to straight the sleeve pocket.

‘Y/N,

It’s only been weeks since we’ve started dating, but over the years of crushing on you... I think I can truly say I’ve fallen deeply in love with you. I’m too scared to say it to your face right now, so here I am sat outside your house after I dropped you off.. writing this love letter on an old receipt I found in my pocket. I can’t hide my love for you anymore. I wish I could just scream it out to the world at this point. You are my only love, the only light that I would ever need in this dark world.

I close my eyes and I see your smiling face. Please always stay by my side. My love, Y/N.. I love you.

-Jinnie’

“You’re so stupid,” You cried, holding the letter close to your heart, “I’d never leave your side Jinnie.”

∘₊✧──────✧₊∘ 

The wind blew through your hair as you sat by the river. A bouquet of roses in your hand with tears already pooling in your eyes.

There wasn’t much running through your mind as you sat staring at the water ripples or the stars that were dimly light due to the clouds. All there was unsurprisingly was just Hyunjin. Although it was expected as it was officially a year since his passing.

You held the bouquet close to your heart as you silently cried at the thought of living in a world without him. Even if it wasn’t a thought anymore, it was a reality that you had dreaded.

You missed him, but you couldn’t fall into your darkness again. You worked so hard to move on just like Hyunjin would’ve wanted.

You were finally living life again without a cloud of dread above your head. And even if you still got sad and cried, you bet Hyunjin was proud of you for still going on with life just as if he had never left. 

This is how you lived without Hyunjin with a heavy heart because there would be no one else like him, but you still kept going as hard as it was.

And as Hyunjin sat on his designated star, dressed in all white, he smiled brightly as he watched down on you. His heart still yearning for you who he could not have, but he was still happy.