☾ 𝒲𝐸𝐼𝑅𝒟

No one will, and that’s the beauty of it. As far as the world is concerned... or, my world, at least, I don’t exist. It took a lot outta me, but... man, isn’t it amazing what a little helping hand from some friends in high places can do?

I’m of the utmost certainty that I’ve left no part of myself for anyone to hold on to. I’m just a faint outline of a memory... a piece of history, with neither a face, or a name to put to it. This is the way it’s meant to be... at least for now. 

And it’s a big, bold, beautiful world out here! It’s a gigantic universe, and I’m bound to fit somewhere into it. There’s no rush... I wanna see it all before I decide. I wanna know everything there is to know before I figure out how I fit into it all. 

It’s agony being away... thinking about who I left behind. How their lives might have grown over the empty spaces like creeping vines. What they’re doing now... who they are, and who they might be, now that I don’t get to see them thrive.

But that’s only for now. It’ll fade, in time. I’ll learn to live with it... move past it. Keep moving, because I can’t handle what it feels like when I stop. This will pass. Scars will fade. And I’ll trace them, and remember what a thrill it was to receive them. 

I’ve... nearly died more times than I can count. I’ve watched my world fall away to nothing beneath my feet. I’ve felt the agony of loss, the torment of failure, before the game was even over. I’ve held souls in my hands... and I felt their pain.

It’s often steep, and not necessarily equal in value to what you’re paying for. But the thing is... usually, the price is a test. You have to prove your mettle by paying it. ( How far would you go? How much would you sacrifice? How badly do you want it? )

The answer to these questions, in order: all the way. Everything. More than I could ever say. I don’t do things in halves, y’see, and I would give anything and everything... absolutely everything... to make things right. So, it comes down to that moment.

The moment when you have to make a choice. When you have to decide whether everything you’ve endured, everything that has pushed you to this point, is worth trading for what you think you could have been. It should be the hardest choice you’ll ever make.

But not for me. Because I, being me, have never had a single hang-up on going all the way with anything. I push... and I push, and I bleed, and I cry, and I fall to pieces, and I keep on pushing, because I think I can put it all back together. I’ve learned to have thick skin. 

Whether or not you meddle... whether you could forgive yourself, knowing what you did... god, it’s unimaginable. And I know for a fact I don’t have that much power all on my own... I’d need more. More people. More people to agree to this, and it’d have to be them. 

That place just feels like a museum. It’s full of old things that I never touch, and I never think about, and I’m always confused when I find them after however many years.

Jonas and I talked tonight about moving, maybe... so he can be closer to Alex, Clarissa, Ren, and Nona. (who’s always kind of around, but visits Clarissa more often than not.) 

It’d be kind of cool. I could be closer to school, and Lili, and everyone, if nothing else. But Jonas is pretty happy where he is, so we’re not really looking that far into the future. 

People change. I get that. In fact, I'd be disappointed in myself if I didn't; if I was still that snivelly little girl I was ten years ago, or even five. A constant uphill battle to be braver, smarter, and better than that person. It's a battle that I sometimes feel like I'm losing, because it's never enough. I'm never enough. Can you ever really win it.

I keep making all these choices I don't get. I push people away because I don't know how to keep them close. I forget how to be myself beyond the thin of it, and I just don't understand the person I put myself forward as. How have I gone so long without learning how to care? How has anybody put up with me for all this time, knowing that I can't give back what they give to me?

If I could set myself back just - a year. Maybe two. Maybe I'd see that turn before I took it, and I'd have the sense not to take it. If I could be uncomplicated, and maybe not a total mess, then maybe I could make sense of myself enough to recognize this person who destroys everything good that happens to her out of fear. God knows, the only person keeping me alive is Jonas, and it must be back-breaking for him.

Maybe if I just admit now that I've completely and totally failed, I might be better off. Just - write it off. Write this girl off, and discard her life, and start all over again. Remember why I do all these things that I do, and do them for the right reasons. I can't keep feeling this way. I can't keep feeling helpless when everyone around me needs help. I can't put anyone back together when I'm falling apart.

But is it worth it? Do we ever really learn anything if we can’t be angry, or scared, or dismayed, or heartbroken? And what about the times when we’re embarrassed, or content, or so unbelievably happy? You keep it all, or you lose it all.