Aspiringdesigner.

I’m 30. I’m housesharing. And I’m incredibly lonely. After almost an hour of scrolling dating websites it just hits home even more that this isn’t where I thought I’d be.

And none of that “you need to love yourself” bullshit because I have no problems with myself or my own company, but the driving force of my life at the moment is being occupied by the fact that I’m alone.

I just want to come home and have someone ask about my day. Curl up next to me. Tell me they love me and build a life with me, but I have no idea what to do to change it. I meet people regularly through work, but it just hasn’t happened.

I shouldn’t care. At all.

But I do.

And is it because I feel sorry for you, or has it brought me some hope? Do I even want it? Or am I even glad that you’ve maybe been hurt the way I was.

I have general life anxiety and worries.

Today has been super tough even though this morning was super positive.

Im struggling to decide what I want, to motivate myself and to keep myself sturdy.

Sometimes it helps just to type it out and acknowledge it.

Sat on the train reading a terrible magazine with someone writing about their love lives.

I still miss you occasionally. I keep saying I’m over it, but In fact no one seems to match up to you. Maybe it’s just because you actually ripped my heart to shreds, who knows.

I don’t know what I want from my life today. I keep thinking I’m getting there and then remember how lonely it is compared to how I felt last year with you and find it difficult. Who do I share my stories with now? My successes? My moments of ‘holy shit why do I still do this as a job’?’ Moments.

I want to be in London, but I can’t afford it.

I don’t know what to do to make things better because it would also be lonely up there in the big city.

I still want to go back to January 2016 where I thought everything with us was perfect and I had a plan.

I miss Sex.

I’ve cried my way in. You have destroyed me and I resent it to within every inch.

Cheers.

I feel like no man will ever live up to what we had and what you meant to me.

I still wish you'd come back and this last three months could just have been a really bad dream.

I feel worse at this time of night when I remember how it felt to fall asleep next to you and for you to be the first thing I saw when I woke up.

This last two months have been horrendous. I am getting rejection after rejection and when everyone else seems to be succeeding, I seem to be barely floating.

Please. A director. A company. A scheme. ANYTHING. I don't want to keep battling to hit a brick wall.